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  5x08 - Everyone
 Posted: 02/07/14 11:54
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- Hi.

That's nice.

Do you love her? I love you.

But do you love her? If you care then why did you fuck my best friend? Mins! I have decided that you will be returning to Mayberry's after all.

What?! So marry me, Grace Violet Blood.

I do.

I do.

I do, I do, I do! Alo! Alo! Alo, get me off the fucking roof! Shit, my balls! Stay away from Franky today.

What are you, her bodyguard? No, I'm her best friend.

And I've been looking after her.

Is she OK? No, she's not OK, OK? You've made her ill.

I haven't done anything.

We all have to make an effort today and that includes you, amazingly.

I mean, you've done a pretty great job ignoring her calls, so, please, do not fuck with her head today.

Promise me.


I promise.


Toodles! Where are you off to so early? To, um, Liv's.

To, like, say goodbye to everyone.


But we need to leave the Mayberry's by one.

I could pick you up en route? - No It'll be fine.

I'll be back.

I have a little something for you.

Oh thank you.

To new beginnings.

There we go.

Give Daddy a huggy-wuggy, then.


Just a trim, OK? Trust me, mate.

Grace is gonna love it.

Ooh! A-a-ah! There, that's it.

That's it, good lad.

Good, good lad.

I feel violated.

It's called wind around your ears, mate.

I look like Justin Bieber.

You take that back.

All right, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You, you look like a man who's just made the ultimate sacrifice, for lurve.

Right, er rain check.

Rings? You should know, best man.

Oh, yeah.

Er - Suits are all sorted.

Dare I ask how? Da and Dewi used to be in a Beatles tribute band together.

I fished 'em out - I'm going to ignore that.

Matty and Nick are taking care of Catering's sorted, boss.

Oh, my days, Justin Bieber! - Oh, shit.

Fuck's sake.

Hey, guys.

All right? What's in the box? Ta-da! Dad made the cake.

And I made the dress.


Awesome, Franks.

It's amazing, Franky.

Put it on, then.


Let's chill those jitters out, yeah? Better get the glad rags on, then.

Need a hand? Um, VBL.

Visible boxers' line.

You smooth while I pull, OK? Do I look like a dick? No.

You look amazing.

Now, remember what I said.

You - I deserve better.

Oh, my God, they're here! Let's get these fuckers to the slaughter! So, the vicar? All sorted.

He's a bit back street.

But it's all cool.

Dewi had a word.

They used to be in a Beatles tribute band together.

If one note of All We fucking Need Is Love plays, I'm gonna piss all over his organ, Al.

I swear.

Yes, all right, Richard.

What's that? Dewi did it himself.

What, when everyone thought the Earth was still flat? Alo, you do know how to get there, don't you? Yeah, all sorted.

Turn right here, we'll be there in no time.

Er, Alo, you sure about this? Where are you taking us through? A special sort of short cut, B route, Rich.

What, through fucking Helmand? Well done, Alo.

It's a dead end.

Nah, it's fine.

I can get round that.

Alo, no.

I can make it.

No! See? Shit! Fuck's sake, Alo! I told you, you never listen.

I'm sorry, OK? There's your answer.

Fucking idiot! - Everyone good? - Yep.

All good.

Yeah, all good.

Shit! It's going nowhere.

Everyone out.

Anyone got reception? - Nope.

Right Let's get this show back on the shitty road.

I thought we had discussed the Matthew situation.

What? What the fuck were you doing back there? I don't know, Mini, OK? Woo-hoo! - Put a donk on it, people! - What the fuck is he on? - Franky? - That's called grooming.

May I have this dance? This isn't the motherfucking reception, Franky.

Guys, she's dead.

What do you mean by "dead", Alo? You can fix it, right? Look! It's it's a freaking angel! Oh, my God! Oh, no, it's a car.

Of course it's a fucking car, Nick.


We have to get married in two hours at Chepston.

Well, isn't that an alignment? We're off to sell our creation at their craft fair.

What about the others? They've got to be there.

Well, we have to be.

And they will be.

Right? My angel! - No, that's an angel.

Leave the angel alone, Nick.

What direction's it in, man? Cross country as the crow flies, about an hour.

Veer southwest.

Thank you, my henna-handed honcho.

Fingers! - Don't worry, dude.

Everything will be OK.

We'll be there.

Bye, guys.

Have fun, kids.

Bye, honey.

I won't let you down, man! - Bye.


Maybe they're post-apocalyptic savages, that'll eat them alive and make, like, pants from their skin and a fucking glockenspiel from their bones and shit.

Shut the fuck up, Nick.


South south Alo A horse shit! Farm boy, what the fuck? Once more unto the breach, my friends.

Now, who's with me?! Hey, Alo, you've got to teach me that trick, man, with the shit.

Luncheon already? It's nearly one, David.

How my idle morning has flown.

Where on earth are you going? To retrieve our fugitive daughter.

Pit stop, you beautiful wankers! We've only just started, you prick.

One for the road, Mini.

Beer rain! There is a God! What the fuck was that for? We've got our friend's wedding to get to, Mr I Don't Give A Fuck About Anything Or Anyone.

You're wrong, I do.

What about our agreement? Mini? - What agreement? - You deserve better, remember? Have you been saying shit behind my back? I told him to stay away, OK? I can't hack this any more.

Let's go.

I'll see you at the church.

No, no, no, we can't split up.

I can get us there, I promise.

Come with us.

If you like.

No way! She's staying right here.

Come on, Franky.

Franky, I I'm trying to protect you.

Mini, I'll see you later, OK? He just wants to fuck you and then fuck you up! Good.

So you put an insect thingy on her? A bug.

We'll catch her soon enough.

She isn't a dog, David.

Could you unwrap another Werther's for me, please, Sonia? And each child rings a year on the tree of our love we planted on our wedding day.

How many do you have, Crystal? - 13.

No more travelling the world like a scag-injected tumbleweed.

I rooted in the soil of our marriage.

Diesel was a roadie.

Oh, really? Who for? Throbbing Gristle, er, Alien Sex Fiend, er Napalm Death No fucking way! Way, way wayward, spiritually bereft.


Now I hunter-gather! And I tend to his loin-fruits.

I wonder how the gang are doing.

Alo'll get 'em there.

We're shafted and it's all my fault.

Some fucking best man I am! Er, Als, you know the negative shit's a real downer.

I'm worried about Franky, we shouldn't have left her.

Something bad's going to happen and I and I can't stop it now.

Well, if anyone can, McGuinness can.

Go or you'll regret it.

Slide off me, sweatbox.

But Nick needs a come-down cuddle.

See you at the church, Alo! Ho-bag.

I dunno.

I mean, we've still got to get there, right? Let go.

You want to, right? A bit of mandy will help us along.


OK, cool.


I'll ask him where we are.

Watch my back.

Er, good day squire.

Might this be like Chepston, perchance? Can you tell me or does my boyf have to give you a BJ first? Next one along.

Thank you kindly.

This is what we do.

Er, Franks? We need to find a cab.

Yeah, I'm just gonna get some booze for the wedding first.

Impressive! Come on, guys.

Shit, Franks.

Have you done this before? Game on Mattster.

It's OK.

Let's go.

Here, take this.

I'll have your heads on the wall! And don't come back! It's called grunge revival, OK?! Oh, ground, swallow me whole, please.

Oh, erm Hi! Have you by any chance seen, erm, two girls and a boy? Bugger off! Er, rudeness! Why did you stop me? - She isn't a fucking experiment.

I thought that was what you wanted.

I'm trying to fix us, Matty.

I want you.

I love you.

But But it's not enough, is it? And all the chemicals in the world can't make it enough.

I'd swallow razor blades to see you smile, but even that wouldn't do it.

Look, Liv, please, let's just catch her up.

I don't want her with us now, OK? - She's off it, she'll get lost.

And I won't?! No, Liv.

You'll always be OK.

And that girl will always be lost! Sure you ain't got pills, Al Capone? One more time.

One more fucking time! - Al! Al! Al! Have you double-double-checked? No! I do not have any pharma-fucking-ceuticals, Nicholas! Argh! Oh, don't take your dependency out on me, all right? Now, come on, pick up the pace.

One, two, three, four! Look, I'll roll you a spliff if you pick the pace up to ten I'm trapped! Ah! Fucking hell! Right, easy, easy, easy.

Aaah! Like serpents coiled in perpetual yin-yang mating.

Spiritual Siamese twins with male-to-female body parts.

Your lives are one.

My key fits her lock.

His cotton bud cleans my ear.

To hear the glory of our union! Slit my wrists now.

What? Not long before You're welded together forever.


Go on without me! I'll die here alone.

It's all I deserve.

Just keep your leg still, all right? You're in a rabbit snare.

Ow! Save yourself andleave me to the bears! We're in Somerset, Nick! To the fucking squirrels, then! Ah! - Go! - Just shut up, all right? Shut up and keep your frigging leg still! Oh, bloody hell, Nick! - When did you last change these?! - It's not them.

That's the smell of a loser's death.

You're not a loser.

You're a bit of a prick, but peel away that prick and there's a good man in there.

Come on, big boy! - No No! - Arise, sire! - Argh! My beer.

I want my beer.

No, let it go.

You're a good good bloke, Alo.

Yeah, I know.

Liv! Where is, er everyone else? Like Franky? - Your girl crush is so blatant.

What?! Where's your man, then? I think I've fucked things up, big style.

So where is he? Looking for her.

Oh I'm afraid you've missed your slot.

I'm just starting the born-again-agains' baptisms.

But I could fit you in in an hour? Potentially.

Oh, right.


Oh, 16.

23! And a Refresher! Done.

Where's that young Creevey and the rest of your party? Oh, well, there's almost an hour yet.

All you need is two witnesses.

Uh - They'll be here.

You reckon? They have to be - they're our friends, Rich.

Let's just find two people for, like, backup.

Two people - easy.

Oh, my God! - Come on! - We're gonna live! - A road! - We're gonna live! We're saved! But there's loads of room! Oh, very salubrious, Bertie.

Er, hi.

Oh, hello, lad.

Will you be here in an hour? - Oh, can't say! - We've not got long.

Oh, yeah, good one.

No way.

We need two witnesses so we can get married, cos everything's gone wrong and Please.

Of course, dear, of course.

In an hour, then.


Yeah, yeah! - Yeah.


Thank you.

Liv? Matty? Are you OK? I'm sorry I'm sorry, I thought Where's Liv? I tried to stay away from you and I can't.

Here we are It's not random.

You feel it, right? I really want to fucking kiss you, but I can't.

Then why are you head-fucking me?! Franky, don't Just as fucked in the head as you are.

You know, when I was six, teacher asked me to think of something beautiful.

I said 9/11.

Saw it on the TV in this care home with the sound on mute.

Teacher told me how many people had died.

And all the other kids in the class cried, and I knew then that I was wrong.

I guess that's why my parents gave me up.

Because they knew, too right from the beginning.

Franky? - Get off me.

Get off me! Franky, wait! Franky! Franky, come back! Franky! - Please - What the hell happened? What the fuck have you done? Franky! Franky, please, come back! Franky! Franky! Franky! Franky! Can you see her? She's here! Franky, hold on! - Take my hand, Franky.

Go away.

Please, Franky! Franky, take my hand! Franky, please, please! I'm so sorry, Franky! Come on, please, take my hand.

OK! Want a hand? OK? Franky did he hurt you? It's not what it looks like, Liv.

I swear, she just lost it.

I just wanted to feel normal.

Ah! David fucking Blood! Shit.

Oh - Oh, fucking Hey, stop! Stop! Stop, please! - They went and got battered.

They're supposed to be our friends.

Just us now.

This is so not what I dreamed of.

Why did you cut your lovely hair? I asked for a trim.

Guess I look the part, I suppose.

Mr and Mrs Mainstream.

Did you actually think that's what I wanted? Grace! Blood is coming! But my bridesmaids! - Nick, do the honours.

Bring it on.

All we need is love.


All we need is To get on with the service.

Not on God's holy earth.

How did you know I was here? He put an electric insect thing on you.

A bug, for the billionth time.

I'm your daughter, not al-Qaeda.

You are coming home with us.

Hey, Grace.

You're all here! Look at what this motley crew have done to our little girl.

I'm not your little girl.

Her future's hers, David, not ours.

You you corrupters are all, all, expelled.

You can't do that, sir.

Oh, look how the mighty have fallen.


I fell down a f reaking k-hole, actually, but these guys caught me.

It's what mates do.

Cos it's screwed up out there.

I don't know if you've been outside lately, but it is.

But we have a go.

Whatever comes, we have a good go at it.

Cos it's all we can do.

Right, then, so be it.

But we shall take no further part in this ridiculous melodrama.

Sonia! So, are we going to, you know get married? Don't ever cut your hair again.

Not gonna.

It'll grow.

You're still my metal man, my own Tin Man.

So things are good, right, with us? Yeah.

So do we really need to change things? You could just take me to be your boyfriend.


I can't walk any more.

Like, ever again.

Hark! I sense merriment afoot.

Let's go! Alo! Oh, please Alo! I can't even walk! Alo, where the fuck are you going? Woo-hoo! Woo! Take a piece of cake.

Take it, take it.

I told you! Yes! Yes! Ta-da! OK! It's not your fault.

We had a good day, didn't we? What? The day we met.

I don't want to fuck with that memory any more.

Let's just see it out in style.

Are you OK? I used to beam myself away, go somewhere in my head where I felt less weird.

You're not.

Who'd have thought, the three of us sharing a peace pipe? Let's try not to fuck it this time.

You're missing my not-wedding-after-party.

We are a mess, we are failures and we love it! We are a mess, we are failures and we love it! We are a mess, we are failures and we love it! We are a mess, we are failures and we love it!

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