( Cell phone chimes )

Hannah: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What? What's up?

Oh, my God.

( Laughs )

What is this?

Charlie: What's going on?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! That's a dick.

Somebody please explain this to me.

That's a semi-hard dick with a squirrel's skin wrapped around it.

Adam just texted that to me.

I have no words.

I am sorry that I woke you up, but... are you kidding? I'm so glad you woke us up.

This is mental.

That is a big dick.

How can you tell? It's so close up.

You need, like, more context to know how big the dick is.

No, trust me. I can tell.

I feel like I can smell it through the phone.

You never send me dick pics.

Do you want one?

No.

Ew.

( Laughs )

( Cell phone chimes )

Oh.

It's him.

Oh, my God.

I don't... it's probably, like, his asshole wearing a friendship bracelet.

( Laughs )

It's a text.

It says, "sorry, that wasn't for you."

"Sorry" is spelled s-r-y and in capitals.

What are you doing? Don't respond to that.

Why not?

Because he basically just told you that picture of his penis is meant for another girl.

He never mentioned a girl.

You're smarter than this, Hannah.

Okay, if there was another girl, he would never be this obvious about it.

Yes, he would. He's a noted psychopath.

You don't know. You've never met him.

No one has.

This is the first evidence of his existence.

Okay, what would you write?

Or just ask him if you can borrow his dick to club some baby seals.

( All laugh )

Do not respond.

Just trust me on this one.

Don't respond.

Do not respond.

Good night.

Good night.

( Door closes )

( Music playing )

( Clicks )

( Theme music playing )

Man: Hannah.

What are we gonna do with you?

I really apologize.

I thought I had a better handle on windows, and I am more of a Mac girl, but if you give me an hour with the manual...

I'm just giving you a hard time. I know you'll get there.

Thank you so much.

"Work with the chart wizard."

You look tense.

Oh, no, I'm good. I'm just a hunchy person naturally.

Mm.

Thank you.

( Sighs )

Okay, now, just lean into the pain.

My wife and I took a Reiki healing course at Club Med.

Fascinating stuff.

Uh... okay.

You need to sit up a bit straighter.

Yeah, my mom tells me that all the time.

And open up the solar plexus.

And just breathe.

You feel that?

Hannah: I do.

Man: Oh, much better. Much better.

That's really much better.

Shoshanna: 'Cause it's like an exclamation point next to "hi" makes it, like, a little bit overeager, but, like, a period is kind of okay... you know what the weirdest part about having a job is?

Um, I'm... no, I'm a student.

You have to be there every day, even on the days you don't feel like it.

Do you not feel like it today?

Today's fine.

I just don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.

Shoshanna. Hey, you remember me?

It's Matt, Matt Kornstein.

Camp Ramah.

Y-yeah, hi.

You led the most intense kitchen raid I ever saw in my time as a junior counselor.

That was pretty intense.

No, it was the most intense.

We planned it for, like, weeks, but...

It was really awesome.

You know...

Okay, I'm gonna leave you guys to...

Whatever this is.

Yeah, but didn't you go home early that summer? Like, what was with that?

Because I think I heard a rumor that you tried to kill yourself by sucking all the air out of a raft.

No way.

Okay, I'm anxious, not depressed.

I did that on a dare.

( Laughs )

Oh.

I will never forget the time that you saved that girl who was stuck between two kayaks.

Oh, yeah. A leg in each kayak... you can die that way.

Like, seriously, you can split your ass.

( Laughs )

Totally.

We should hang out.

Yeah.

Um, I... I kind of have class right now, but I could, like, totally cancel it.

Like tonight.

Okay.

Yeah, we should hang out tonight.

Um... yeah.

( Toilet flushes )

Hey, Lesley.

Hey, Hannah.

How's your first week going?

It's good. It's been good.

Listen, I'm just wondering if there was anything specific you thought I should know about rich.

Mm. He touch you?

Yeah. Like my breasts a little bit.

I know. Rich massaged Hannah.

Oh, yeah? You'll get used to it.

What?

Look, I know it's gross, but he's really nice and he got Tommy health insurance.

He doesn't complain if I come in or if I don't and stuff.

And he paid for my sister to go to camp.

Oh, and he got me an iPod for my birthday.

That was very nice of him.

I know. It's a Nano.

So you've never said anything to him about it?

No, never.

Why?

Wow.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

What happened to your eyebrows?

My eyebrows?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they're really, really patchy.

Oh, well, I plucked them all out in eighth grade and I feel like they just grew back differently.

Here, let me... let me see something.

I'm gonna do something with them, okay?

Yeah, she's gonna make them good.

Wow, your eyelids are oily, really oily.

Yeah.

Have you noticed that?

No. What would that be from?

Probably your diet.

Yeah. You eat salad?

Um, y-yes.

Vegetables, lots of vegetables, right?

You're a vegetarian?

I was. I'm not anymore.

I can tell you're a vegetarian. It's okay.

Lesley: You know what's good for your skin?

What?

Sugar.

Mm-hmm. Brown sugar.

No, white sugar.

( Banging )

Right? So, I mean, the melody was...

♪ Oh, wherere you going... ♪

( Imitates drums )

♪ In those keds? ♪

And then I would just sing that twice and then you would help me out on the... sing along with me on the...

♪ in those keds? ♪

On the last one? Just the last one, right?

Yeah.

Both: ♪ in those keds? ♪

Nice. Maybe I'll do a little, shh, rubout on the bongos.

Yeah. That's beautiful.

Yeah.

And are you comfortable... like, does the concept of the song... is that clear to you?

You're walking behind a girl on the street and she's wearing keds.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah.

Right.

Thanks for helping me with this, man. I really appreciate it.

Marnie's been completely on edge lately and I just wanna surprise her with something nice.

Mm-hmm. Like a coffee table made out of street garbage.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like that, but it's in the style of this thing that she likes from restoration hardware.

Your girlfriend is my own private nightmare.

Do you understand that?

Someone should just fuck her to teach her a lesson.

( Banging )

You know, just fuckin' chain her up to a post and just fuckin' fuck her hard.

And just whip her. Just fuckin' whip her until she fuckin'...

Whatever.

But that's what I'm saying. It wasn't always like this.

I mean, it wasn't like this in college.

I think she's just going through some kind of temporary adjustment into adult life.

It's not adult life if your parents pay for your BlackBerry.

She pays for half of her BlackBerry.

Bullshit.

Where are you going?

Well, we've never been in the girl apartment without the girls being here, right?

There's no way I'm not gonna fondle some girl stuff.

You were late.

What do you mean I was late?

I was like five minutes late.

You're such a little Nazi, you know that?

I just don't like school.

I know.

Well, that's because you're not insane.

How was your day?

I ate my snack, but I lost my barrette.

You smoked a pack of cigarettes?

( Louder ) I ate my snack, but I lost my barrette.

Hold on. You ate a pack of cigarettes?

Do you realize how out of line that is?

Daddy, daddy! Terry!

Oh, my goodness!

Hey! Fancy meeting you here.

What's up, you little turds?

Monkey, so Uncle Terry just got back from... rehab!

Tahoe.

Swear to God, I told her Tahoe.

Can we stay with you?

No, sweetheart, because daddy and Uncle Terry have to go talk about some work stuff.

What work stuff? You don't even have a job.

( Ughs )

Busted.

Okay, come on. We're going to the park.

It's raining.

Okay, well, a woman should know when she's not wanted.

All right, we'll see you later.

Girls: Bye, dad! Bye, Terry.

Terry, don't quit before the miracle.

Yikes. Where'd you find her?

Back of the "village voice"?

Katherine found her. She's great, very present.

Present.

Who cares if she's present?

She has the face of Brigitte Bardot and an ass like Rihanna.

So clean, so blond.

Yeah, they're nice.

When you see a family like this, don't you just wonder if they're all having sex with each other?

No.

Just locking the doors, drawing the curtains, and just plowing through the family tree?

( Opens drawer )

No, no, no, no. Come on.

What are you doing? Stop. Stop.

Just once in my life, I'd like to have sex with someone who looks like me, you know?

Just to see what it's like, try it out.

My sister's a fuckin' fatty. My parents are dead.

( Laughs )

So I've got nothing.

Okay, so where have you always wanted to look that you've never looked before?

I've never thought about it. Marnie's not very secretive.

Well, we know where she keeps her vagina massager.

Um, you mean vibrator?

( Buzzing )

Because that's what I call it.

And that's a share tool.

( Buzzing stops )

( Sniffs )

You're a share tool.

'Kay.

For you, rich.

Thank you, my darling.

Boy, this weather, huh?

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

It was beautiful earlier.

Oh, well, rain, shine... what the hell?

I'm feeling lovely today.

Now, you'll tell me if the touching ever bothers you, right?

I'm just a touchy kind of guy.

Ray: Hello, Hannah!

Crotchless panties.

Nothing makes me erect faster than a girl's... these are holes.

This is underwear with holes in the crotch.

Okay.

I wonder where she hides her chocolate.

She's...

( laughs ) Ding ding ding ding ding.

No, no, no. Come on, dude.

Don't read that. That's Hannah's journal.

Of course she keeps a journal, like all girls who listen to Tori amos and masturbate.

Come on, this is making me very uncomfortable.

Please don't read that.

She's kind of funny.

I mean, I don't really care how she feels about keeping bread in the house, but she's kind of funny.

She's a writer, man. That's her thing.

What?

Hey?

Huh?

What's up?

Nothing. Let's go back to that table.

We've got a lot of work left to do.

No, no, no, no.

What?

Let me see it.

Dude, your girlfriend is the most boring person on the planet, all right?

And this girl is a very, very close second.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, this is drivel.

There's nothing to see here, Charles.

I mean, this is... I think you're right.

Like, it's a violation of...

So why do you have it in your hand?

Well, I just think, you know, this is creepy and we shouldn't be looking at other people's... can you stop being fucking weird about it, man?

Take it easy, man.

You're being so fucking secretive about it.

Let go! Shit, relax!

It's fucking annoying.

I wanna go on the slide!

Woman: I hate my boyfriend, but he work at the verizon store and I get such a good phone plan.

Which ones are yours?

Beatrix and Lola. They're by the slide.

Lola's being such a see-you-next-Tuesday, you know what I mean?

I can't wait to get her home to her mother.

You're the babysitter?

Yeah, of course I'm the babysitter.

What do you think, I have kids?

I'm 24 years old.

You're the babysitter?

I thought for sure you was an actress with some baby.

No. I'm just like all of you.

And Mercury was in retrograde.

Oh, my God.

Girl, I could not get anything right.

When is it not in retrograde?

What is my sign?

Gemini.

Thank you.

Good night, ladies.

Bye.

Bye, Hannah. Good night, mama.

Wait, wait, wait. How was the rest of your day?

You know, weirdly, I think I'm kind of getting used to it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, because it takes a little time.

Yeah.

Oh, don't tell your boyfriend about that handsy stuff.

I told my man. I thought he was gonna go buck.

I probably shouldn't even call this guy my boyfriend.

Well, that's like a different thing, yeah.

Yeah.

But do you wanna see something weird?

Yes. Please.

Uh, wow. Okay.

You know, I like a dirty pic, but this right here is weird.

What is that?

It looks like a rapper's fur coat.

( Gasps ) It does. Do you know my mother used to have a hat like this?

I know. He sent that and then he sent another text that said, "sorry, that wasn't for you."

"Sorry" spelled s-r-y.

Okay, first of all, who spells "sorry" wrong?

Okay, how old are we?

Girl, definitely.

This is ridiculous.

This picture wasn't for you? That is fucked up.

I know. It's so disrespectful.

Damn. You need to leave him.

Here, get it away from me.

You need to break up with this guy on the immediate.

Thank you. On the immediate.

This is ridiculous.

But we put up with rich touching our butts all the time.

That's a hella different.

Different.

A hella different.

Different.

You need to have a little self-respect.

Yeah, that picture was fucking disgusting.

Have some self-respect.

You know the difference.

That's insane me how little you make.

Personally, I'm offended by that.

You know, you need to tell your bosses that you are valuable, that you have their children's lives in your hands.

You know, maybe... have nannies ever unionized?

Maybe there could be like a local one just for this neighborhood.

I could write us the charter.

I don't know what that is, but that sounds awesome.

So I would take a pay cut just for the good of the group.

I really would. I don't consider myself to be a political person, but when there's a cause that I find meaningful... excuse me, where did your kids go?

( Music playing )

They were... shit.

♪ Let your hair down, girl, you already know ♪
♪ when I grab your ass, i ain't gonna let it go... ♪

Lola!

Beatrix!

Fuck!

Lola! Beatrix!

♪ Ooh, I'm the shit and you're the poo-poo ♪
♪ let a nigga fuck you with that uptown voodoo... ♪

Hey! I found them!

There's babies hiding under the gazebo!

♪ And you already know who's your daddy ♪
♪ who's your daddy, who's your daddy, ho? ♪

You little fuckers! Come out right now.

Beatrix: No.

Do you know how much you scared me?

Come out right now.

No!

( Music playing on TV )

Did you like the movie?

Yeah. You know, it's chill.

We could, like, watch something else if you're not into it.

I have, like, other movies. I have, like, five things from Netflix.

I have, like, an animated one, and a few Jen Aniston ones.

I have, like, an original James Bond with Pierce Brosnan if you're into that or something else.

No, it's not the movies, it's just my knee.

It just, like, really starts to ache if I can't stretch it out.

Oh, um, I'm sorry.

No. It's fine.

You could put it on me if... if that'll help or whatever.

Okay.

You could touch it if you want.

I don't wanna touch if we haven't kissed.

Oh, God, you smell like a baby.

'Cause I wear lady speed stick.

God, you got a hot rod little bod and everything.

Uh, thank you.

You know, people always say that city girls are much hotter than long island girls, but I'm not about to be agreeing with that.

Oh, oh.

Oh, and I like to eat pussy, too.

I know, it seems really weird, but I freakin' love it.

Oh, okay. Okay. Um...

Wow. Okay.

Um.

( Soft slurping )

Um...

Do you wanna have sex?

Do... um, do you wanna have sex instead?

Now? If you want?

Uh, you want to?

Like, uh, yeah, if... if you want to.

This is so chill, the way this is happening.

I love it.

Um, cool.

Okay, so, uh, I just thought you should know something just in case it's, like, weird or I'm weird, which I totally shouldn't be, but, like, just in case I scream, which I won't, um, I'm like totally ready to have sex.

I've just never had sex before.

So, like, I thought I'd tell you that.

What?

What?

Yeah, it's just really not my thing.

What's not your thing?

Virgins.

Oh, okay, but, like, except for the fact that I haven't had sex, I'm, like, totally not even a virgin.

I'm, like, the least virginy virgin ever.

Yeah, no offense, okay.

I'll totally have sex with you once you've, like, already had sex.

I just... you know, it's like, virgins get attached or they bleed.

It's like, you get attached when you bleed.

I so don't get attached when I bleed.

You know, it's, like, amazing.

I'm, like, totally not an attached bleeder.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

The guy's definitely gay.

( Laughing )

Not like you are, fucking sicko.

Beatrix: Mommy!

Hi, you guys!

Daddy! Daddy!

Wow, I thought you guys would be sleeping.

They wanted to wait up for you.

Katherine: Oh, well, I'm so happy to see you guys.

How was your day?

Beatrix: A gerbil was born and it looked like a chewed tomato.

It was sick.

Katherine: Oh, that sounds sick.

Lola: Jessa lost us.

Jeff: What?

She lost us. After school.

But where would that have happened?

At the park.

Jeff: Wait a second. Come on, Lola, I saw you guys all together.

It was after.

Lola.

You can't pull a fast one on me.

No more lies.

I'm not lying.

No, no, no.

Now let's get to bed, bugs.

It's really, really late.

Girls: No!

All right, mommy and daddy's bed.

Special occasion.

Girls: Yay!

Sorry.

Beatrix: This is awesome!

Hey, thank you so much for staying late, Jessa.

You saved us tonight. Thank you.

Of course.

Katherine: Okay, kids.

I... I did lose your kids.

I wasn't properly looking on, and I lost them.

And if Lola doesn't hate me already, she certainly hates me now.

We've all done it.

We have?

I have, once with Lola when she was three.

We were at the union square farmer's market.

I was holding her by the hand.

I let go for, like, a second, and she was gone.

She just tore off.

Where'd you find her?

She was in the back of a soy milk truck with a very nice lady.

I get that.

I mean, I... actually, I used to do stuff like that myself.

When I was little, I would run away and tell lies all the time.

Like what?

Like, my mom's this awesome mom, and, you know, we're best friends.

Well, things like that.

Hopefully, Lola will turn out as well as you did.

( Siren blaring )

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is up with your eyebrows?

I'm not saying.

I don't... I didn't come here to talk about that.

You look like a Mexican teenager.

It rules.

I came here to say that I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I don't think we should see each other anymore, and it makes me feel stupid and pathetic to get a picture of your dick that I know was meant for someone else, and you didn't even bother to explain, because I made you think that you don't have to explain.

So...

( Door opens )

( Door closes )

What are you asking?

I'm not asking anything.

( Wheels squeaking )

I'm really not asking you for anything.

I have never asked you for anything.

I don't even want anything, okay?

I respect your right to see and do whoever you want, and I don't even want a boyfriend.

What do you want?

I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.

And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this, because it makes me sound like a girl who wants to, like, go to brunch.

And I really don't wanna go to brunch, and I don't want you to, like, sit on the couch while I shop or, like, even meet my friends.

I don't even want that, okay?

But I also don't wanna share a sex partner with a girl who seems to have asked for a picture of your dick.

And also, I don't want a picture of your dick because I live very near you, so if you wanted me to look at your dick, I could just come over and look at your dick.

And I don't really see you hearing me and I don't really see you changing.

So...

I just summed it up for you.

And I'm sorry that I didn't figure it out sooner, and you must think I'm even stupider than you thought I was already.

But consider it a testament to your charms, because you might not know this, but you're very, very charming.

And I really care about you.

And I don't want to anymore, because it feels too shitty for me.

So I'm gonna leave.

( Sighs )

Oh, my God.

I don't like it when you talk to me that way.

Well, I don't like talking to you that way, okay?

I just wanna be sweet to you. That's the thing that's... but I also wanna know why you didn't text me back.

What, to the picture? I jerked off to it.

You jerked off to it?

No, you looked like you were getting fucked with a cucumber.

( Both laugh )

I can't take a serious naked picture of myself, okay?

That's just not who I am.

Then just be who you are.

( Music playing softly )

( Chatter )

♪ My heart sped up ♪
♪ when you picked your ked up off the pavement... ♪

Would you have sex with a virgin?

Depends on the virgin.

Me.

Oh, Shosh.

If I had a cock, it's all I'd do.

♪ Oh, where are you going ♪
♪ in those keds? ♪

Hey, hey.

Hi. Where have you been?

They're on their third song.

I'm coming from work.

And why do you look so pink and smiley?

Will you be dead before you learn to recognize a recently fucked person?

I just told you that we didn't fuck.

Are you allowed to go to the bathroom during?

No.

♪ In those keds? ♪

Girls: Whoo!

Charlie: Wow, thank you all very much for coming.

My name is Charlie.

And I'm ray.

And together we are questionable goods.

Crowd: Yeah!

This next song is... it's a new one, so bear with us.

It's our first time playing it.

And it is for my g-friend Marnie and for her friend, too, Hannah.

And this is called "Hannah's diary."

Good name.

Charlie: Yep. One, two.

A-one, two, three.

( Music playing softly )

♪ What is Marnie ♪
♪ thinking, oh? ♪

♪ she needs to know what's out there ♪
♪ what is Marnie thinking, oh? ♪

♪ how does it feel ♪
♪ to date a man with a vagina? ♪
♪ doesn't she want to feel an actual penis? ♪

Is this a love song?

This is the bridge.

"Marnie has to stop whining and break up with him already.

Of course it'll be painful, but she's already in so much agony, stuck in a prison of his kindness.

Just because someone is kind doesn't mean that they're right.

Better to end it now and cut off the limb and let the stump heal.

He'll find someone else, someone that appreciates his kind of smothering love."

( Strumming rapidly )

Thank you very much for all coming out.

Everyone have a great fucking night.

( Crowd murmuring )

You're such a fucking bitch!

Aah!

Fucking hell.

That was awesome!

I think I'm gonna puke.

♪ I make the same mistakes ♪
♪ feels like I'll never learn ♪
♪ always give way too much ♪
♪ for little in return ♪
♪ I haven't changed a bit ♪
♪ I'm still not over it ♪
♪ I make the same mistakes ♪
♪ I make the same mistakes ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ I never did grow up ♪
♪ feels like I never will ♪
♪ my friends are all adults ♪
♪ I'm still a teenage girl ♪