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  01x02 - Vagina Panic
 Posted: 08/27/14 19:02
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Yeah, do you like that?

Yeah, I like that.

What do you like?

I like everything. I like what you're doing.

( Panting )

I knew when I found you that you wanted it this way.

Found me where?

In the street, walking alone.

But we didn't meet in the street.

We met at a party.

( Moans )

Uh, my God, on the street. Yeah, the street.

Oh, yeah.

You were a junkie and you were only 11.

Okay. - And you had your fuckin' cabbage patch lunchbox.

Yeah, and I was really scared when I saw you.

( Both moaning )

Okay, okay.


You're a dirty little whore and I'm gonna send you home to your parents covered in cum.

Oh, don't do that. They're gonna be so angry.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck. Fuck.


Where do you want me to come?

Uh, where--


What are the choices?

Face? Tummy?

Those little tits?

Oh, my God. My tits-- it seems like you wanna come on my tits, so I think you should come on my tits because I want you to come and it seems like you're gonna do it.

Touch yourself.

Okay. Where?

You know where. Touch yourself.


It's a little hard from this angle.

( Panting )

From now on, you have to ask my permission whenever you wanna come.

If you're touching yourself and you think you're gonna come, you'd better fucking call me first.

You want me to call you?

( Slapping )


I'm gonna make the fucking continent of Africa on your arm.


( Moans )

That was really good. That was so good.

I almost came.

You want a-- a Gatorade?

Um... no, thanks. I'm good.

( Theme music playing )

Oh, God.

How does it feel?

How does it feel for you?

It feels good, fine.

It's good.

Yeah, it does.

Oh, hey, look at me.


Look at me.

Let's look at each other when we come.

I'm gonna turn around.


But-- but you hate doggie.

No, I don't.

I just don't like doing it all the time.

No, you said it makes you feel like a piggy bank.

No, I said it makes me look like a piggy bank.

Okay. You ready?

I'm ready.

F-ucking Jesus, this feels so good.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, I gotta go slow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

( Music playing over headphones )

Could you not smoke inside?

Oh. Could you just--

Could you not smoke ins--

It's, like, I'm totally cool, but--

It's pot. Do you want some?

Oh, no, I'm hyper enough already.

What are you making?

It's my manifestation board. I use it for inspiration.

Like, when I'm not feeling inspired, I just look at the board--

Can I make one?

"Oh, my God, totally."

You should totally make one.

We should make one together.

No, I wanna make my own.

Yeah, much better idea.


You know, Jessa, I'm--

What you're going through is, like, really, really hard for any young woman, and it totally makes sense that you would wanna escape through drug use, but you have to know that you're not just my cousin, you're my friend.

And I could not be more proud of you for getting this abortion.

Thanks, Shoshanna.

Hannah: Okay, I think I got everything... testicles, spectacles, wallet, watch...

Adam: 'Kay, bye.

Did I leave anything in there with you?


Where are you headed?

Um, don't you remember?

I'm a dirty little whore going home to my parents covered in cum, your cum.


That was a joke about the thing you said last night when we were having sex, about how you were gonna send me home to my parents covered in cum.

I, um-- I'm just going home to get my cell phone charger, and then I'm going to a job interview, and then, um...

I'm actually accompanying a friend to her abortion.

So that's what I'm doing.


That's kind of a heavy fucking situation.

Is it really? I feel like people say that it's a huge deal, but how big a deal are these things actually?

I don't know.

Right. Yeah, it's just an abortion.

That's silly.

No. I'm not saying that.

I just mean, what was she gonna do, have a baby and take it to her babysitting job?

It's not realistic.

No shit, fucker.

I never thought of it that way, but it's a good point.

Mean, I guess I don't really know, because this is the first abortion I've ever been to.

No, you don't say.

I really hope you didn't find that flippant, because I did not mean that abortions aren't a big deal.

I just meant that I have very little sympathy for people who do not use condoms, because that is how you get pregnant and that is how you get diseases.

Well, I don't know what it is about me, but girls never ask me to use condoms.

Girls never asked you to use condoms?


I do what I'm told.

( Panting )

We always use condoms.

Do we?

Yeah. We used one last night.

Oh, yeah, I guess we do.

That's probably why it takes me 25 years to nut whenever I have sex with you.

( Laughing )


Oh, you're totally freaking out right now.

You have total freak-out face.

I'm not freaking out right now.

Yes, you are.

How would you even know what I look like freaking out?

You've never seen me freak out.

It's okay.

I'm totally fine, okay?

And you're totally pretty.

Okay? - Stop trying to kiss me. Stop trying to kiss me.

Stop trying to kiss-- okay. I'll see you later.

If you tell me what I am doing, then I will immediately stop doing it.

That's the point-- you shouldn't stop doing something just because I tell you to.

You should be able to just be yourself.

But it seems like myself is making you very frustrated.

Who cares, Charlie you should just be able to go about your business, piss me off, and not give a fuck.

That's what men do.

It's like I don't even know how to m-- make love to you anymore.

Make love to me? You mean, fuck me?

It's like you want me to be like some dude who just doesn't give a shit.

Like, "Oh, fucking suck it", and then fucking lay down and take a nap."


"You want these fucking nuts in your mouth?"

No, I don't want to suck on your nuts.

Oh, come on. Really?


Have you seen your nuts?


Like, I know you're joking,
but that's not funny to be like, "ew."


( Door opens )

( Panting ) I never get used to those stairs.

Charlie: We'll talk about it later. Have a great day, ladies.

Oh, I mean, sluts.

You're a slut.


I'm sorry about him.

No sweat off my back.

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

I mean, he's so busy respecting me, you know, that he looks right past me and everything that I need from him.

Okay, you are a 23-year-old girl who's had the same boyfriend for four years, so you're also allowed to be bored.

That's an okay excuse, too.

That is a really simplistic explanation for what's going on.

I'm sorry if I minimized it.

I'm just unwilling to accept the idea that you have too great a boyfriend.

Although, if you want someone to feed you abusive rhetoric, just send him to Adam's house for the night.

He'll learn a lot.

Oh, more hooker stuff?

Hooker stuff, daddy st-- a combin-- a platter of stuff.

Hannah, Adam cannot do that to you.

He can't. He's not allowed. He's not your boyfriend.

( Keyboard clicking )

( Phone rings )

Hello, Kwartler Gallery. This is Marnie speaking.

Hannah: Hi.

Hey. 'Sup?

Oh, nothing. Actually, I was just wondering if maybe-- no big deal, but you could get me an appointment for this afternoon, too?


Oh, you know, for an std test.

I mean, since we're gonna be there anyway.

And it's like, I'm gonna be there, you're gonna be there.

Maybe we both get them. Maybe we all get them.

No. Thank you, though.

Well, when's the last time you did that?

Well, Charlie's been tested twice since we've been together, so I figure that's--

Not the same thing.

I've only had sex with two and a half men, and I'm gonna start doing it every few months, I think, just to be responsible.

You were just bragging to me about how you always use condoms.

Julian, stop listening.

I mean, if that's true, then don't you think you probably don't have anything?

Yeah, but what about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms, okay?

What about that stuff? Have you thought about that stuff?

Okay, crazy one, I'll schedule you an appointment.

So this guy's making you bananas?

I've never experienced anything like it.

The thing is I have absolutely no sense of how he really feels about me because when we are together, he's so there and he's so present.

And then he disappears for two weeks and doesn't answer any text messages, and I feel as though I invented him.

Did you invent him?

If I'd invented him, then I wouldn't have a giant bruise on my ass.


I have something to contribute here.

"Listen, ladies: A tough love approach to the tough game of love."


Okay, I'm gonna admit that I have hate-read that book.

Oh, my God!

It, like, totally changes your perspective, right?

Okay, "If a man doesn't take you on a date", he's not interested, point-blank.

'Let's meet up with friends' is not a date, it's a date for him to decide whether you're truly good enough to date, and that's unacceptable, ladies."

There have to be exceptions to that rule.

"Sex from behind and that is degrading, able, point-blank.

You deserve someone who wants to look in your beautiful face, ladies."

What if I want to focus on something else?

What if I want to feel like I have udders?

This woman doesn't care about what I want.

But here's my question: Who are "the ladies"?

Obvi-- we're the ladies.

I'm not the ladies.

Yeah, you're the ladies.

I'm not the ladies.

Yes, you are. You're the ladies.

You're being unfair. You can't force me to be a lady.

I'm not forcing you to be a lady.

You just--

Okay, I'm a lady, she's a lady, you're a lady, we're the ladies.

Fuck that silly little fucking book.

I told you, I just read it in a weird moment of desperation at the Detroit airport.

How could you even finish a book like that?

That book is so idiotic, I couldn't even read it on a toilet.

It might be pink and cheesy, but there's actually some very real wisdom in there about how to deal with men and--

That woman is a horrible lady.

Why is this bothering you so much?

I'm offended by all the supposed tos.

I don't like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it.

Every time I have sex, it's my choice.

Yeah and if I wanted to go on some dates, I would.

But I don't, because they're for lesbians.

Are you okay?

What is wrong?

( Sighs )

I mean, I know what is wrong, but how is it wrong?

Are you scared?


Are you angry?

Who would I be angry at?

Maybe you're a little angry at yourself.


So are you angry at me?

You are so self-involved.

Are you sad?

I am not a character for one of your novels.

Stop staring at my face so hard.

Fine, ok.

And also, I write essays.

You know, I want to have children.

I really wanna have children.

Yeah, of course, you do.

And you will have children at a time when your life is actually set up--

I'm gonna be amazing at it. I'm gonna be really good.

I know that you are.

I've never doubted that for a second.

And I wanna have children with many different men of different races.

So, I have this job interview and I'm gonna meet you there at 1:00.

I love you, okay?

That's okay.

( Hannah laughs )

This-- you know, I mean, the truth is it's pretty boring and we're just like a trade journal.

No. My God, I mean, I would be so excited to work here.

And I'm also, I should say, responsible, decisive, and all the other qualities you're weirdly allowed to name in a job interview.

Yeah. I think the only other place that you're allowed to brag like that is on your online dating profile.

Not that I have one.

Oh, no, of course not.

So-- so you live in Brooklyn?

Is it Williamsburg?

No, I live in Greenpoint.


You know, big difference, Williamsburg and Greenpoint.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Are you in Brooklyn or...?

Yeah, cobble hill.

Oh, that's like grown-up Brooklyn.

Yeah, I'm like a real live grown-up.

Can't you tell?

( Laughs )

So, in your neighborhood, do you ever drink at that place weather up?

That's a little bit hip for my taste.

Are you kidding? You're very hip.

But I do object to any bar that calls its bartenders "mixologists."


And they wear tiny vests.

I know.

If I'm gonna drink in your neighborhood, then I wanna go to Washington commons.

Washington commons!

Oh, my God, I love that place.

Hands down.

I like a bar where the median age is about 55.

I like a bar where the average patron would be described as "crotchety."

Crotchety's good.

Crotchety's great.

Crotchety's undervalued.

( Laughs ) It's true.

In our modern society, crotchety is undervalued.

So, I should probably look at your resume as a formality.

I'm totally fine if you don't, too.


And so-- yeah, this is great.

This is really--

Where did you go to school?

Oh, I just went-- I went to Syracuse, upstate.

I have so many friends who went there.

Yeah, me, too.

Because you went there with them.

Yeah, a few of them up there.

I read a statistic that said Syracuse has the highest incidents of date rape of any university.


Which weirdly went way down the year that you graduate that was just a joke, because I was saying that there was no more date rape, because they figured out who it was who was doing it, and it was you.

Maybe you're not used to office environments like this, but, um, jokes about rape or race or incest or any of that kind of stuff, it's not office okay.

And so, I just don't think this is gonna work out right now, but call us back.

Maybe six months, eight months down the road, and we'll stay in touch.

( Music playing )

♪ I want to spend my life ♪
♪ with a girl like you ♪
♪ ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ♪
♪ and do all the things ♪
♪ that you want me to ♪
♪ ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ♪
♪ till that time has come... ♪

What can I get you?

What time is it?

It's 1:00.

These things never start on time.

I'll have a white Russian, please.

All right.

I am really sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

You are 10 minutes late.

I'm eight minutes late.

You're 10 minutes late.

Okay, well, where's Jessa?

Well, she's not here, because she's never fucking here when she needs to be.


Well, she was really upset before.

I think you should be a little bit sensitive.

I mean, you think? She's about to get an abortion.

It's about the most traumatic thing that can ever happen to a woman.

I'm telling you, I don't know why you're being so casual about this.

I was getting really, really worked up on the train on the way here.

You don't need to worry about her, okay? This office is beautiful.

I'm sure they've done this a million times before.

I was just thinking--

I have been sexually irresponsible enough in my life thus far that I should've gotten pregnant by now, and I never have.

Like, I get my period at the same time, on the same day of every monthly cycle my entire life.

Like, it's never strayed from that.

Then you're really lucky.

I never know when I'm gonna get my period, and it's always a surprise.

And that's why all my underwear are covered in weird stains.

Seriously, I need to become a mom, Hannah.

I was put on this planet to be a mother.

Well, maybe Charlie has a really low sperm count.

I'm sure Charlie has a really low sperm count.

What if I'm barren?

No, you're not barren.

Shoshanna: Hi! Hi!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I stopped at Dylan's and got some snacks because I don't know how long these things take.

When my sister had a baby, it was like hours, and I was like starving, so, you know, I was just--

Shoshanna, you should sit down.

So you know Venice is sinking.

So I'm like, "We gotta get out of here. We gotta move."

This place is going down. It's happening faster than you think."

Nobody fucking moves.

I was like, "Are you guys crazy?".

Hey, do you guys have a pay phone?

Why would we have a pay phone?

Here, you can use my cellular phone.

Oh, thank you.

You have a bunch of texts and stuff.

Mind your own business.

Hey, mom, it's Morgan.

Just calling to let you know I will call you back in a few hours and I hope you're feeling better.

Love you. Bye.

Thank you.


What's that you're drinking?


Jessa, it's Marnie.

It is 1:30, and your appointment was at 1:00.

So call me, please. Bye.

Hey, a little bird told me that you were getting an S.T.D. test. Fun!

Do you really think that sounds like a lot of fun?

I mean, like, just to get to have sex and then have a test about it?

This thing asks you if you wear a seat belt and if you operate machinery.

Those are important things if you're gonna have a baby.

You need to wear a seat belt and stop operating machinery.

She's obsessed with getting AIDS.

She thought she was gonna have it since she was 10 years old.

So that's what this is about.

I don't have an obsessive fear of AIDS.

I have an obsessive fear of H.I.V. that turns into AIDS.

I'm not a fool.

Well, you don't have H.I.V.

You just don't. It's not that easy to contract.

It's really not that hard to contract either, though.

Haven't you seen "rent"?

Please, I've seen it 12 times.

It's basically why I moved to New York.

So use condoms if you're so scared.

I do use condoms. I always use condoms.

But what about all the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms?

What about that stuff?

Like what? What kind of stuff?

Okay, so when a guy finishes, there's... the material, okay?


And then, that stuff can leak out from around the sides of condoms.

And here's how I figure it.

He will leave his penis in you from when it's hard to when it shrinks, because that is what guys are wont to do.

Are they really wont to do that?

Yeah, like, with me-- with me they're totally wont to do that.

Yeah, they usually do that.

And then, when they pull out, it's fucking mayhem.

I've been diagramming it in my head all afternoon.

And then, and no one speaks about this.

Hannah Horvath.

Okay, that is me.

Please, don't yell at Jessa too much when she gets here, okay?

I won't. I won't. I mean, it's just-- it's a bummer because, like, she ruined it, but it's not--

How could she ruin the beautiful abortion that you threw?

Hannah, that is not what I meant.

You're a really good friend, and you threw a really good abortion.

Oh, stop it.

You did.

I'm just worried, you know?

What if she's in a gutter or changed her mind?

She seemed really excited about it this morning.

Whoa. This is wild.

Put your hands down my pants.




( Jessa moans )

Like that?

Is that okay?

Don't ask me that ever again in my life.



You're bleeding.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Jess-star, it's Shosh.

It's-- it's like 2:15, and I'm just calling to see where you are and how you're feeling and, um, if you're-- oh.

Uh, hey, you're pregnant when you don't wanna be, so you might wanna come have your abortion now.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

There is seriously nothing flakier in this world than not showing up to your own abortion.

I mean, honestly, can you think of anything less respectful than that, other than getting pregnant in the first place?

Seriously, she should just fucking, you know, return our calls or something, or at least send us a text.

She doesn't really know how to text.

She calls it a "word alert."

I don't even know why I bother anymore.

Honestly, every time I put myself out there with her-- nothing, just brick wall.

She does not respect my time, my efforts, my friendship, my kindness-- none of it.

I mean, would you do this?

Would you get pregnant after having sex with some weird foreigner and then just not even show up to the abortion?

I've never had sex.


I've never had sex, okay?

A.K.A., I'm almost 22 and I'm a virgin.




It's like everyone and their mother has had sex except for me.

No, sex is-- sex is really, really overrated.


It is.

I mean, you've given a blow job, right?


Yeah, so--



Yes. I have not.

You haven't?

There was this one time at camp, and it was a few strokes up and down, but we were in the woods and it was kind of spooky, so...

You think I'm a loser.

I don't-- I don't think you're a loser.

I just told you that I'm a virgin.

I don't--

I don't know what to say.

I mean, I hit-- I hit a puppy once with my car.

I only had my learner's permit.

Doctor: 24 years old?

Hannah: Mm-hmm.

Doctor: 145 pounds.

Oh, I'm 143 pounds.

The nurse weighed me with clothes on,
so that was a rude thing to do.

Sexually active?

Just one partner or...?

Should I get more?

Because the one I've got is kind of a handful.

Yeah, it's just him.

And do you use protection? Condoms?

I always use condoms, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms.

What is the deal with all of that stuff, you know?

You mean... the semen?

I mean, all of it.

I have a very bad fear of AIDS.

Have you known someone with AIDS?

It's more of like a "Forrest Gump"-based fear.

That's what Robin Wright Penn's character died of.

Okay, just lie back for me, okay?

Yeah. Just...

Yes, legs up.


Yeah. Oh, okay.

Perfect, thank you.

The thing is that these days if you are diagnosed with AIDS, you know, it's actually-- it's not a death sentence.

There's so many good drugs and people live a long time.

Also, you know, if you have AIDS, there's a lot of stuff people aren't gonna bother you about, like, for example, no one's gonna call you on the phone and say, "Did you get a job?" or "Did you pay your rent?."

Or "Are you taking an HTML course?".

Because all they're gonna say is, like, "congratulations on not being dead."

And it's also a really good excuse to be mad at a guy.

It's not just something dumb like, "you didn't text me."

It's like, "You gave me AIDS", so deal with that... forever."

Maybe I actually am not scared of AIDS.

Maybe I thought I was scared of AIDS, and what I really am is wanting AIDS.

That is an incredibly silly thing to say.

You do not want AIDS.

Do you know that every 35 minutes a woman is newly diagnosed with H.I.V.?

And a third of those women are under the age of 30, and many of them will die of AIDS.

So, you're saying that if Adam gave me AIDS, that I'm definitely going to die of it?

No, I'm not saying that.

Can you op up, please?

You could not pay me enough to be 24 again.

Well, they're not paying me at all.


Is that painful?

Yeah, but only in the way it's supposed to be.

( Music playing )

♪ Everything is so, so clear inside your head ♪
♪ your hobbies look so good ♪
♪ to all of your imaginary friends ♪
♪ sidestep, two-punch ♪
♪ fight it, tra la la ♪
♪ you caught the scent ♪
♪ you need it, tra la la ♪
♪ hold your head up higher ♪
♪ I know the surface, it can seem so far away ♪
♪ but you don't need to hold your breath anymore ♪
♪ it's crystal, it's oh, so clear ♪
♪ those winning speeches look so great ♪
♪ to all of your imaginary friends ♪
♪ sidestep, two-punch ♪
♪ fight it, tra la la ♪

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