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  04x15 - Planet of the Dead
 Posted: 05/11/13 08:31
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[International Gallery]

(London, night. In a top-notch museum, armed security guards are taking up their positions around a golden goblet on a stand.)

GUARD: Positions.

(He enters the key code 654 into a pad and turns a lever. A series of lasers surround the artefact.)

GUARD: Night, boys.

(He leaves. A hole is opened in the cupola overhead and a masked figure lowers itself on a set of wires, switches the contents of a bag for the goblet and goes back up. One of the guards hears a noise and turns around to see a golden novelty cat waving a paw at him. The thief runs along a corridor then takes off her mask. An alarm sounds and the lights come on.)

[Outside the gallery]

(She goes outside into an alleyway to see a man next to what is presumably her getaway car being arrested.)

CHRISTINA: Sorry, lover.

(She runs through the streets, seeing police everywhere.)

POLICEMAN: We've got the place surrounded, sir.

(The route 200 bus to Victoria pulls up at a stop.)


CHRISTINA: Hello. I'm so terribly sorry. That card paying device thing. That's a Lobster card, am I right?

DRIVER: Oyster card.

CHRISTINA: Ah. Well, that's the problem, you see. I only use my Oyster when there's an R in the month.

DRIVER: It's April.

(The policeman in charge is nearby.)

MACMILLAN: Go, go, go.

(Christina takes off her earrings.)

CHRISTINA: Diamonds. Genuine. Drive.

DRIVER: Works for me.

POLICEMAN: No sign of her.

(Christina takes her seat. A man in a long brown coat and wearing plimsolls get on board.)

DRIVER: You're just in time, mate.

(The man swipes his card and the doors close. The bus moves off. The man sits next to Christina and offers her a piece of his chocolate egg.)

DOCTOR: Hello, I'm the Doctor. Happy Easter.

[Outside the gallery]

MACMILLAN: Right, close off the area. Get all these people cleared. She has got to be here somewhere.

POLICEMAN: Robinson, clear the roads. Get the whole place sealed off.

(The bus drives past the Detective Inspector.)

MACMILLAN: She's on the bus! She's on the. Kevin, get the car. It's definitely her. Come on. Move it. Jackson, follow that bus.


DOCTOR: The funny thing is, I don't often do Easter. I can never find it. It's always at a different time. Although I remember the original. Between you and me, what really happened was.

(Beep, beep.)

DOCTOR: Oh. Sorry, hold on to that for me. Actually, go on, have it. Finish it. It's full of sugar and I'm determined to keep these teeth.

(The Doctor produces a hand-held gizmo which has lit up.)

DOCTOR: Ah. Oh, we've got excitation. I'm picking up something very strange.

CHRISTINA: I know the feeling.

[Police car]

MACMILLAN: All units in pursuit registration Whisky nine seven four Golf Hotel Mike. They're heading for the Gladwell Road Tunnel. Please stop all traffic. Seal off the north end.

[CCTV centre]

OPERATOR: The bus has entered the south entrance of the tunnel. Officers in pursuit. Units now arriving at the north entrance.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

DENNISON: Tango one eight three up at the far end, sir. I've sealed off the exit. There's no way out. Over.

[Police car]

MACMILLAN: I'm right behind. We've got her.


DOCTOR: Rhondium particles, that's what I'm looking for. This thing detects them. Look, this should to round, that little dish there.

CHRISTINA: Right now, a way out would come in pretty handy. Can you detect me one of those?

(The West Indian couple sitting a little way behind on the other side talk.)

CARMEN: Lou, can you hear them?

LOU: Hear what, sweetheart?

CARMEN: The voices. So many voices calling to us. Calling so far.

DOCTOR: Ah, the little dish is going round.

CHRISTINA: Fascinating.

DOCTOR: And round. Whoa.


(The blonde woman in front brushes the sparks off her hair.)

ANGELA: Excuse me. Do you mind?

DOCTOR: Sorry. That was my little dish.

CHRISTINA: Can't you turn that thing off?

DOCTOR: What was your name?

CHRISTINA: Christina.

DOCTOR: Christina, hold on tight. Everyone, hold on!

(There is a sudden jolt and everyone is thrown around.)

CARMEN: Oh, the voices. The voices. They're screaming.

(Windows break and sparks fly.)

NATHAN: (young white man) What's going on?

(A bright light floods the bus then more jolting.)

[Tunnel - north entrance]

DENNISON: Tango one eight three. Units in position, sir. Er, sorry to report, but, er, no sign of the bus. Over.


MACMILLAN: It's gone. Right in front of me. The bus has just gone.

[Tunnel- north entrance]



(The bus has stopped. Golden light shines in. The Doctor goes outside, followed by Christina.)

DOCTOR: End of the line. Call it a hunch, but I think we've gone a little bit further than Brixton.

(The orange sands go stretch to the horizon. An alien is watching them on a monitor. It chitters to its companion.)


LOU: We should get out. Even if that's the Sahara, we can't stay on board this thing.

CARMEN: I'm not going out there. They're still calling. All around us. The voices are crying.

LOU: What voices, sweetheart?

CARMEN: The dead. We're surrounded by the dead.


ANGELA: It's impossible. There are three suns. Three of them.

BARCLAY: (a young black man) Like when all those planets were up in the sky.

NATHAN: But it was Earth that moved back then, wasn't it?

BARCLAY: Oh, man, we're on another world.

DRIVER: It's still intact, though. Not as bad as it looks, and the chassis's still holding together. My boss is going to murder me.

ANGELA: Can you still drive it?

DRIVER: Oh no, no, no. The wheels are stuck. Look at them, they're never going to budge.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MACMILLAN: Dennison, listen. We've sealed off the far end. Nothing is to come through.

DENNISON: But I don't understand, sir. How can a bus just disappear?


(Christina gets a pair of sunglasses from her rucksack.)

CHRISTINA: Ready for every emergency.

(The Doctor sonics his spectacle lenses black and examines the sand grains.)

DOCTOR: Me too.

CHRISTINA: And what's your name?

DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.

CHRISTINA: Name, not rank.

DOCTOR: The Doctor.


DOCTOR: The Doctor.

CHRISTINA: You're called the Doctor?

DOCTOR: Yes, I am.

CHRISTINA: That's not a name. That's a psychological condition.

DOCTOR: Funny sort of sand, this. There's a trace of something else. (he tastes it) Glah. Not good.

CHRISTINA: Well, it wouldn't be. It's sand.

DOCTOR: No, it tastes like. Never mind.

CHRISTINA: What is it? What's wrong?

BARCLAY: Hold on a minute. I saw you, mate. You had that thing, that machine. Did you make this happen?

DOCTOR: Oh, humans on buses, always blaming me. Look, look, if you must know, I was tracking a hole in the fabric of reality. Call it a hobby. But it was a tiny little hole. No danger to anyone. Suddenly it gets big, and we drive right through it.

DRIVER: But then where is it? There's nothing. There's just sand.

DOCTOR: All right. You want proof? We drove through this.

(He throws a handful of sand into the air and a wibbly thing appears both there and -)

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MACMILLAN: What the hell was that?


CHRISTINA: And that's?

DOCTOR: A door. A door in space.

DRIVER: So what you're saying is, on the other side of that is home? We can get to London through there?

DOCTOR: The bus came through, but we can't.

DRIVER: Well then, what are we waiting for?

(The driver runs towards the wibbly thing.)

DOCTOR: No, no, don't.

DRIVER: I'm going home, mate!

DOCTOR: I said don't.

(The driver enters the wibbly thing and screams. We see him burn briefly and his smoking bones totter out of the tunnel before collapsing.)

BARCLAY: He was a skeleton, man. He was bones. Just bones.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MACMILLAN: Dennison, er, I think we're out of our depth here. We need experts. Get me UNIT. Emergency code one.


DOCTOR: It was the bus. Look at the damage. That was the bus protecting us. Great big box of metal.

CHRISTINA: Rather like a Faraday cage?

NATHAN: Like in a thunderstorm, yeah? Safest place is inside a car, because the metal conducts the lightning right through. We did it in school.

CHRISTINA: But if we can only travel back inside the bus? A Faraday cage needs to be closed. That thing's been ripped wide open.

DOCTOR: Well, slightly different dynamics with a wormhole. There's enough metal to make it work, I think. I hope.

CHRISTINA: Then we have to drive five tons of bus, which is currently buried in the sand, and we've got nothing but our bare hands. Correct?

DOCTOR: I'd say nine and a half tons, but the point still stands, yes.

CHRISTINA: Then we need to apply ourselves to the problem with discipline. Which starts with appointing a leader.

DOCTOR: Yes. At last. Thank you. So.

CHRISTINA: Well, thank goodness you've got me. Everyone do exactly as I say. Inside the bus immediately.

NATHAN: Is it safe in there?

CHRISTINA: I don't think anything's safe any more, but if it's a choice between baking in there or roasting out here, I'd say baking is slower. Come on. All of you. Right now. And you. The Doctor.

DOCTOR: Yes, ma'am.

CHRISTINA: (to Barclay) Up. Come on.


CHRISTINA: Point five. The crucial thing is, do not panic. Quite apart from anything else, the smell of sweat inside this thing is reaching atrocious levels. We don't need to add any more. Point six. Team identification. Names. I'm Christina. This man is apparently the Doctor.

DOCTOR: Hello.


NATHAN: Nathan.

BARCLAY: I'm Barclay.

ANGELA: Angela. Angela Whittaker.

LOU: My name's Louis. Everyone calls me Lou. And this is Carmen.

CHRISTINA: Excellent. Memorise those names. There might be a test. Point seven. Assessment and application of knowledge. Over to you, the Doctor.

DOCTOR: I thought you were in charge.

CHRISTINA: I am. And a good leader utilises her strength. You seem to be the brainbox. So, start boxing.

DOCTOR: Right. So, the wormhole. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was just an accident.

CARMEN: No, it wasn't. That thing, the doorway? Someone made it for a reason.

DOCTOR: How do you know?

LOU: She's got a gift. Ever since she was a little girl, she can just tell things. We do the lottery twice a week.

CHRISTINA: You don't look like millionaires.

LOU: No, but we win ten pounds. Every week, twice a week, ten pounds. Don't tell me that's not a gift.

DOCTOR: Tell me, Carmen. How many fingers am I holding up?

(He has his hand behind his back.)

CARMEN: Three.

(He changes it.)


DOCTOR: Very good. Low level psychic ability, exacerbated by an alien sun. What can you see, Carmen? Tell me, what's out there?

CARMEN: Something, something is coming. Riding on the wind, and shining.

DOCTOR: What is it?

CARMEN: Death. Death is coming.

ANGELA: We're going to die.

BARCLAY: I knew it, man. I said so.

NATHAN: We can't die out here. No one's going to find us.

CHRISTINA: This isn't exactly helping.

BARCLAY: You can shut up too. We're not your soldiers.

CHRISTINA: That's not doing any good.

LOU: Quiet.

NATHAN: Will we be bones, like the bus driver?

CHRISTINA: Stop whimpering, all of you.

DOCTOR: All right now, stop it. Everyone, stop it! Angela, look at me. Angela? Angela? Answer me one question, Angela. That's it. At me, at me. There we go. Angela, just answer me one thing. When you got on this bus, where were you going?

ANGELA: Doesn't matter now, does it?

DOCTOR: Answer the question.

ANGELA: Just home.

DOCTOR: And what's home?

ANGELA: Me and Mike. And Suzanne. That's my daughter. She's eighteen.

DOCTOR: Suzanne. Good. What about you?

BARCLAY: Don't know. Going round Tina's.

DOCTOR: Who's Tina? Your girlfriend?

BARCLAY: Not yet.

DOCTOR: Good boy. What about you, Nathan?

NATHAN: Bit strapped for cash. I lost my job last week. I was going to stay in and watch TV.

DOCTOR: Brilliant. And you two?

LOU: I was going to cook.

CARMEN: It's his turn tonight. Then I clear up.

DOCTOR: What's for tea?

LOU: Chops. Nice couple of chops and gravy. Nothing special.

DOCTOR: Oh, that's special, Lou. That is so special. Chops and gravy, mmm. What about you, Christina?

CHRISTINA: I was going so far away.

DOCTOR: Far away. Chops and gravy. Watching TV. Mike and Suzanne and poor old Tina.


DOCTOR: Just think of them. Because that planet out there, all three suns, wormholes and alien sand, that planet is nothing. You hear me? Nothing, compared to all those things waiting for you. Food and home and people. Hold on to that, because we're going to get there. I promise. I'm going to get you home.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

(UNIT arrives in force.)

SERGEANT: Section one, assume positions. Section two, assume positions.

CORPORAL: Section three, assume positions.

SOLDIER: Section four, spread out.

SERGEANT: Take places, intervention mode.

(The lady African Captain takes charge.)

MAGAMBO: Isolate the area.

SOLDIER: Yes, ma'am.

MAGAMBO: Establish an exclusion zone. Any media, move them back. Any trouble, arrest them,

SOLDIER 2: Yes, ma'am.

MAGAMBO: I want the vehicles in the standard Procedure Five layout. All outreach officers will report to me via Sergeant Calhoon, is that understood?

SOLDIER 3: Yes, ma'am.

MACMILLAN: Captain, I'm Detective Inspector McMillan.

MAGAMBO: Clear the area, thank you.

MACMILLAN: Yes, but I was here when the thing, the bus with the

MAGAMBO: I've read the report. Now clear the area. Pandovski, get these men out of the zone.

MACMILLAN: Yes, but there's somebody on board that bus. She's mine.

PANDOVSKI: Just move back, sir.

MACMILLAN: All right.

MAGAMBO: Perimeter guard, stand ready. Stay alert. Any hostile activity, shoot to kill.


(Nathan and Barclay fetch seats from the bus.)

BARCLAY: Here we go.

DOCTOR: That's my boys. See, we lay a flat surface between the bus and the wormhole, like duckboards, and we reverse into it.

CHRISTINA: Let some air out of the tyres. Just a little bit. It spreads the weight of the bus, gives you more grip against the sand.

DOCTOR: Oh, that's good.

CHRISTINA: Holidays in the Kalahari.

BARCLAY: Yeah, but those wheels go deep.

CHRISTINA: Then start digging.

BARCLAY: With what?

CHRISTINA: With this.

(She takes a spade from her rucksack. The Doctor hands it to Barclay.)

DOCTOR: Got anything else in there?

CHRISTINA: Try that. It might help with the seats.

(An axe.)

NATHAN: Thanks.

ANGELA: I can't find the keys.

DOCTOR: Oh no, buses don't have keys. There's a master switch, then it's one button to start, the other one to stop, yeah?

ANGELA: Right. Hold on. Oh, I've got it. Here we go. Hold tight. Ding, ding.

(She starts the engine. Graunching sounds come from it so she turns it off.)

DOCTOR: Ooo, that doesn't sound too good.

(The Doctor and Christina look at the smoking engine at the back.)

DOCTOR: Oh, never mind losing half the top deck. You know what's worse? Sand. Tiny little grains of sand. The engine's clogged up.

CHRISTINA: Anyone know mechanics?

BARCLAY: Me. I did a two week NVQ at the garage. Never finished it, but

DOCTOR: Off you go, then. Try stripping the air filter. Fast as you can. Back in two ticks.

CHRISTINA: Wait a minute. You're the man with all the answers. I'm not letting you out of my sight.

(The alien watches them walk away from the bus and off into the dunes.)

DOCTOR: Easier if you left that backpack behind.

CHRISTINA: Where I go, it goes.

DOCTOR: A backpack with a spade and an axe. Christina, who's going so far away, and yet scared by the sound of a siren. Who are you?

CHRISTINA: You can talk. Let's just say we're two equal mysteries.

DOCTOR: We make quite a couple.

CHRISTINA: We don't make any sort of couple, thank you very much. Come on then. Tell me. If Carmen's right, if that wormhole's not an accident, then what is it? Has someone done this on purpose?

DOCTOR: I don't know, but every single instinct of mine is telling me to get off this planet right now.

CHRISTINA: And do you think we can?

DOCTOR: I live in hope.

CHRISTINA: That must be nice. It's Christina de Souza. To be precise, Lady Christina de Souza.

DOCTOR: Ooo, that's handy, because I'm a Lord.

CHRISTINA; Seriously? The Lord of where?

DOCTOR: It's quite a big estate.

CHRISTINA: No, but there's something more about you. That device you were carrying, and the wormhole. Like you knew. And the way you stride around this place, like.


CHRISTINA: Like you're not quite

DOCTOR: Anyway, come on. Allons-y.

CHRISTINA: Oui, mais pas si nous allons vers un cauchemar.

DOCTOR: Oh, we were made for each other.

(They crest another dune.)

DOCTOR: Ah, don't like the look of that.

(The horizon is hazy.)

CHRISTINA: Storm clouds. Must be hundreds of miles away.

DOCTOR: But getting closer.

CHRISTINA: If that's a sand storm, we'll get ripped to shreds.

DOCTOR: It's a storm. Who says it's sand?

(They run away.)


CARMEN: Closer, and closer, and closer.

DOCTOR: Where is it?

BARCLAY: There. There on the seat.

(Barclay's mobile phone.)

CHRISTINA: You're hardly going to get a signal. We're on another planet.

(The Doctor sonics the phone into unlimited roaming.)

DOCTOR: Oh, just watch me. Right. Now, bit of hush, thank you. Got to remember the number, very important number.

VOICE [OC]: Hello, Pizza Geronimo?

DOCTOR: And again. Ah. seven six, not six seven.

COMPUTER: This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Please select one of the following four options. If you want to

DOCTOR: Oh, I hate these things.

ANGELA: If you keep your finger pressed on zero, you get through to a real person. I saw it on Watchdog.

DOCTOR: Thank you, Angela.

WOMAN [OC]: UNIT helpline. Which department would you like?

DOCTOR: Listen, it's the Doctor. It's me.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

CALHOON: Captain. Urgent call, ma'am, relayed direct from HQ.

MAGAMBO: Who is it?

CALHOON: It's him, ma'am. It's the Doctor.


MAGAMBO [OC]: Doctor?

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: This is Captain Erisa Magambo. Might I say, sir

(She salutes.)


MAGAMBO [OC]: It's an honour.

DOCTOR: Did you just salute?

[Tunnel - north entrance]



DOCTOR: Erisa, it's about the bus. HQ said you're at the tunnel, yeah?

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: And where are you?

DOCTOR [OC]: I'm on the bus.


DOCTOR: But apart from that, not a clue, except it's very pretty and pretty dangerous.

MAGAMBO [OC]: A body came through

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: Here. Have you sustained any more fatalities?


DOCTOR: No, and we're not going to, but I'm stuck. I haven't got the Tardis, and I need to analyse that wormhole.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: We have a scientific advisor on site. Doctor Malcolm Taylor.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO [OC]: Just the man you need. He's a genius.

DOCTOR [OC]: Oh, is he? We'll see about that.

MAGAMBO: It's the Doctor.

TAYLOR: No, I'm all right now, thanks. It was just a bit of a sore throat. Although I've got to be honest, a cup of tea might be nice.

MAGAMBO: It's the Doctor.

(She holds out the mobile phone.)

TAYLOR: Do you mean the Doctor Doctor?


MAGAMBO [OC]: I know. We all want to meet him one day, but

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: We all know what that day will bring.

DOCTOR [OC]: I can hear everything you're saying.

TAYLOR: Hello, Doctor?


TAYLOR [OC]: Oh, my goodness!

DOCTOR: Yes, I am. Hello, Malcolm.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: The Doctor. Cor blimey. I can't believe I'm actually speaking to you. I mean, I've read all the files.


DOCTOR: Really? What was your favourite, the giant robot? No, no, hold on. Let's sort out that wormhole. Excuse me.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: On speakerphone, please. I don't want anyone keeping secrets.


DOCTOR: Malcolm, something's not making sense here. I've got a storm and a wormhole, and I can't help thinking there's a connection. I need a complete full range analysis

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: Of that wormhole. The whole thing.

TAYLOR: Well, I've probably got the wrong idea, but I've wired up an integrator. I thought it could measure


TAYLOR [OC]: The energy signature.

DOCTOR: No. No, no, no, no, no. That'll never work. Listen.

TAYLOR [OC]: It's quite extraordinary, though.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: I'm measuring an oscillation of fifteen Malcolms per second.


DOCTOR: Fifteen what?

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Fifteen Malcolms. It's my own little term. A wavelength parcel of ten kilohertz operating in four dimensions equals one Malcolm.


DOCTOR: You named a unit of measurement after yourself?

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Well, it didn't do Mister Watt any harm. Furthermore, one hundred Malcolms equals a Bernard.

DOCTOR [OC]: And who's that


DOCTOR: Your dad?

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Don't be ridiculous. That's Quatermass.


DOCTOR: Right. Fine. But before I die of old age, which in my case would be quite an achievement, so congratulations on that

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: Is there anyone else I can talk to?

TAYLOR: No, no, no, no, but listen. I set the scanner to register what it can't detect and inverted the image.


DOCTOR: You did what?

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Is that wrong?


DOCTOR: No. Malcolm, that's brilliant. So you can actually measure the wormhole. Okay.

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: I admit that is genius.

TAYLOR: The Doctor called me a genius.

MAGAMBO; I know. I heard.


DOCTOR: Now, run a capacity scan.

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: I need a full report. Call me back when you've done it. And Malcolm?


DOCTOR: You're my new best friend.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: And you're mine too, sir.


DOCTOR: Barclay, I'm holding on to this.

BARCLAY: Hey, you'd better bring it back.

(The Doctor and Christina leave the bus. Nathan is still patiently trying to dig out the wheels.)

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: You're, you're mine. He's gone. He's gone.


(The aliens watch the Doctor and Christina trudge out to the dunes again to take pictures of the approaching storm.)

DOCTOR: Send this back to Earth. See if Malcolm can analyse the storm.

CHRISTINA: There's something in those clouds. Something shining. Look.

DOCTOR: Like metal. Why would there be metal in a storm?


CARMEN: So fast and strong. They ride the storm. They are the storm.

LOU: But what are they?

CARMEN: They devour.


CHRISTINA: Did you hear something?

DOCTOR: Hold on. Busy.

CHRISTINA: There was a noise, like a sort of.

(Something looks at them with multifaceted eyes.)


(An alien is standing on the skyline.)


CARMEN: There's something new.


(The alien, a biped with an insect head, chitters and points a weapon. The Doctor replies in clicks and chitters.)

DOCTOR: That's wait. I shout wait, people usually wait.

CHRISTINA: You speak the language?

DOCTOR: Every language. (chitters) That's begging for mercy.

(The alien gestures with its weapon.)

CHRISTINA: That means move.

DOCTOR: Ooo, you're learning.

CHRISTINA: These fly things, they must be responsible. They brought us here.

(They are taken to a wreck in the desert.)

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. Look at the ship. It's a wreck. They crashed, just like us.


CHRISTINA: Oh, but this place is freezing.

DOCTOR: Mmm. The hull's made of photafine steel. Turns cold when it's hot. Boiling desert outside, freezing ship inside. Since I met you, Christina, we've been through all the extremes.

CHRISTINA: That's how I like things, extreme.

DOCTOR: Oh, this is beautiful. Intact, it must have been magnificent. A proper streamlined deep spacer.

CHRISTINA: I'll remember that as I'm being slowly tortured. At least I'm bleeding on the floor of a really well designed spaceship.

(Two aliens chitter at them. One of them touches a round purple device on his overall.)

DOCTOR: Oh, right, good. Yes. Hello. That's a telepathic translator. He can understand us.

CHRISTINA: Still sounds like gibberish to me.

DOCTOR: That's what I said. He can understand us. It doesn't work the other way round. (translates) You will suffer for your crimes, etcetera. You have committed an act of violence against the Tritovore race. Tritovores. They're called Tritovores. You came here in the two hundred to destroy us. Sorry, what's the two hundred?

CHRISTINA: It's the bus. Number two hundred. They mean the bus.

DOCTOR: Oh. No, look, I think you're making the same mistake Christina did. I'm the Doctor, by the way, and this is Christina. The Honourable Lady Christina. At least I hope she's honourable. We got pulled through that wormhole. The two hundred doesn't look like that normally. It's broken, just the same as you.

(The alien lowers his weapon.)

CHRISTINA: What are they doing?

DOCTOR: They believe me.

CHRISTINA: What, as simple as that?

DOCTOR: I've got a very honest face. And the translator says I'm telling the truth. Plus the face. Right. So, first things first. There's a very strange storm heading our way. Can you send out a probe? Oh, they've lost power. Hmm, the crash knocked the mainline crystallography out of synch. But if I can jiggle it back.

(He kicks the machine and it comes to life.)

DOCTOR: I thank you. Yes, I am. Frequently. Okey doke, let's launch that probe.

(They look at an image that zooms in to the planet.)

DOCTOR: The Scorpion Nebula. We're on the other side of the universe. Just what you wanted. So far away. The planet of San Helios.

CHRISTINA: And that's us? We're on another world.

DOCTOR: We have been for quite a while.

CHRISTINA: I know, but seeing it like that.

DOCTOR: It's good, isn't it?

CHRISTINA; Wonderful.

DOCTOR: The Tritovores were going to trade with San Helios. Population of one hundred billion. Plenty of waste matter for them to absorb.

CHRISTINA: By waste matter, you mean

DOCTOR: They feed off what others leave behind from their behind, if you see what I mean. It's perfectly natural. They are flies.

CHRISTINA: Charming. Just remind me never to kiss them.

DOCTOR: San Helios City.

CHRISTINA: That's amazing. But you've seen this sort of thing before, haven't you?

DOCTOR: Thousands of times.

CHRISTINA; That Lordship of yours. The Lord of where, exactly?

DOCTOR; Of Time. I come from a race of people called Time Lords.

CHRISTINA: You're an alien?

DOCTOR: Yeah. But you don't have to kiss me either.

CHRISTINA: You look human.

DOCTOR: You look Time Lord. Anyway.

CHRISTINA: So if that's San Helios, all we need to do is find that city. They can help us.

DOCTOR: I don't think it's that simple. We're in the city right now.

CHRISTINA: But it's sand. That first image, the temples and things, what's that then, ancient history?

(The alien chitters.)

DOCTOR: The image was taken last year.

CHRISTINA: It became a desert in one year?

DOCTOR: I said there was something in the sand. The city, the oceans, the mountains, the wildlife, and a hundred billion people turned to sand. All those voices in Carmen's head. She's hearing them die.

CHRISTINA: But I've got sand in my hair. That's dead people. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh.

DOCTOR: Something destroyed the whole of San Helois.

CHRISTINA: Yes, but in my hair.

(The phone rings.)

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: Malcolm, tell me the bad news.

TAYLOR: Oh, you are clever. It is bad news. It's the wormhole, Doctor. It's getting bigger.


TAYLOR [OC]: We've gone way past

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: One hundred Bernards. I haven't invented a name for that.

DOCTOR [OC]: How can it get bigger by itself?

TAYLOR: Well, that's why I'm phoning. You'll work it out, if I know you, sir.

MAGAMBO: Doctor, we estimate the circumference of your invisible wormhole is now four miles


MAGAMBO [OC]: Heading upwards. I've grounded all flights above London.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: We can't risk anyone else falling through.


DOCTOR: Good work, both of you.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: But I have to know. Does that wormhole


MAGAMBO [OC]: Constitute a danger to this planet?


DOCTOR: Oh, sorry. Call waiting. Got to go.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: Call waiting?

TAYLOR: He's a devil, that one.




NATHAN: Doctor, it's Nathan.


NATHAN [OC]: We got those duckboard things down, but


ANGELA: It's my fault.

NATHAN: No, it's not. Don't say that.


DOCTOR: Why, what's happened?


NATHAN: We kept on turning the engine, but, we're out of petrol. Used it all up. Even if we can get those wheels out


NATHAN [OC]: This bus is never going to move.

CHRISTINA: What is it, what's wrong? Doctor, tell me.

NATHAN [OC]: You promised you'd get us home. Doctor?


NATHAN: Are you still there?


CHRISTINA: Doctor, tell me. What did he say?

DOCTOR: It's the probe. It's reached the storm.

CHRISTINA: And what's he saying?

DOCTOR: It's not a storm.

(An image of stingrays flying through the air.)

CHRISTINA: It's a swarm. Millions of them.

DOCTOR: Billions. Oh, we've lost the probe. I think it got eaten. Everything on this planet gets eaten.

CHRISTINA: How far away is that swarm?

DOCTOR: A hundred miles. But at that speed, it'll be here in twenty minutes. No, no, no, they're not just coming for us. They want the wormhole.

CHRISTINA: They're heading for Earth?

DOCTOR: Show the analysis. Incredible. They swarm out of a wormhole, strip the planet bare, then move on to the next world. Start the life cycle all over again.

CHRISTINA: So, they make the wormholes?

DOCTOR: They must do.

CHRISTINA: But how? They don't exactly look like technicians. And if the wormhole belongs to them, why are they a hundred miles away?

DOCTOR: Because they need to be? No, that's bonkers. Hang on. Yes. Oh, do you see? Billions of them, flying in formation, all around the planet. Round and round and round, faster and faster and faster, till they generate a rupture in space. The speed of them, and the numbers, and the size, all of that rips the wormhole into existence.

CHRISTINA: And the wormhole's getting bigger?

DOCTOR: Because they're getting closer.

CHRISTINA: But how do they get through? Because that wormhole's a killer. We've seen it.

DOCTOR; No, no, no, look. See the exoskeleton.


DOCTOR: They've got bones of metal. They eat metal and extrude it into the exoskeleton. So their velocity makes the wormhole, then their body makes it safe. Perfect design.

CHRISTINA: Those things are going to turn the entire Earth into a desert. So why exactly are you smiling?

DOCTOR: Worse it gets, the more I love it.



(The occupants hear a noise.)

NATHAN: It sounds like a storm.

ANGELA: If it rains, we've got water.

CARMEN: No water. All of it dust. But the girl.

LOU: Don't now, sweetheart. What girl?

CARMEN: The girl. She will fly.


CHRISTINA: The thing is, Doctor, you're missing the obvious. We came here through the wormhole, yes? But our Tritovore friends didn't. They came here to trade with San Helios. Therefore, the question is, why did they crash?

DOCTOR: Ah, good question. What a team. Like she said, why did you crash?

(The Tritovores take them to a large hole in the spaceship.)

[Engine room]

DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Gravity well. Look, goes all the way down to the engine. So what happened? He says the drive system stalled. Ten miles up, they fell out of the sky. But what caused that?

CHRISTINA: Which means no idea.

DOCTOR: Yeah. But wait a minute. That's a crystal nucleus down there, yes? And it looks like it survived the crash. If the crystal's intact? Oh, yes. That's better than diesel.

CHRISTINA: What, you can use the crystal to move the bus?

DOCTOR: I think so. The spaceship's a write-off, but the two hundred's small enough.

CHRISTINA: How does a crystal drive a bus?

DOCTOR: In a super clever outer-spacey way. Just trust me. There's the crystal! It's fallen to the bottom of the well. Have you got access shafts? All frozen? Well, maybe I can open them. Ah! Internal comms. Put that on.

(The Doctor hands Christina a bluetooth unit.)

DOCTOR: You stay here. Keep an eye on the shaft. Tell me if anything happens.

(Christina sits at the edge of the gravity well and looks down as the Doctor runs back through the spaceship.)


DOCTOR: If I can use that sunlight to start the automatic maintenance. Christina? If you see a panel opening in that shaft, let me know.

[Engine room]

(Christina is buckling on her harness.)

CHRISTINA: Nothing yet.


DOCTOR: Anything now?

[Engine room]

CHRISTINA: Afraid not.


(The Doctor connects various cables together.)

DOCTOR: Any sign of movement?

[Engine room]



DOCTOR: How's that?

[Engine room]

(She's not even looking down the shaft to check.)



DOCTOR: Any result?

[Engine room]

(She has her pulley rigged up.)

CHRISTINA: Not a dickie bird. So let me get this right. You need that crystal? Then consider it done.


DOCTOR: Why, what do you mean? Christina? Christina!

[Engine room]

CHRISTINA: The aristocracy survives for a reason. We're ready for anything.

(Christina dives into the shaft just as the Doctor runs in.)


(He sonics her pulley to stop.)

DOCTOR: Come on. Come on, come on, come on. That's better.

CHRISTINA: I decide when I stop, thank you.

DOCTOR: You're about to hit the security grid. Look.

(Lots of energy crackling across the shaft.)

CHRISTINA; Excellent. So what do I do?

DOCTOR: Try the big red button.

(The security grid goes out.)

CHRISTINA: Well done.

DOCTOR: Now come back up. I can do that.

CHRISTINA: Oh, don't you wish.

DOCTOR: Slowly.

CHRISTINA: Yes, sir.

(Christina continues down head first.)

DOCTOR: Quite the mystery, aren't you? Lady Christina de Souza, carrying a winch in her bag.

CHRISTINA: No stranger than you, spaceman.

DOCTOR: I had this friend, once. She called me spaceman.

CHRISTINA: And was she right? Do you zoom about the place in a rocket?

DOCTOR: Well, a little blue box. Travels in more than space. It can journey through time, Christina. Oh, the places I've been. World War One. Creation of the universe. End of the universe. The war between China and Japan. And the Court of King Athelstan in 924 AD.

(He takes the stolen goblet out of her rucksack.)

DOCTOR: But I don't remember you being there. So what are you doing with this?

CHRISTINA: Excuse me. A gentleman never goes through a lady's possessions.

DOCTOR: It's the Cup of Athelstan, given to the first King of Britain as a coronation gift from Hywel, King of the Welsh. But it's been held in the International Gallery for two hundred years, which makes you, Lady Christina, a thief.

CHRISTINA: I like to think I liberated it.

DOCTOR: Don't tell me you need the money.

CHRISTINA: Daddy lost everything. Invested his fortune in the Icelandic banks.

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. If you're short of cash, you rob a bank. Stealing this? That's a lifestyle.

CHRISTINA: I take it you disapprove?

DOCTOR: Absolutely. Except. That little blue box, I stole it from my own people.

CHRISTINA: Good boy. You were right. We're quite a team.


CHRISTINA: What the blazes was that?

DOCTOR: We never did find out why the ship crashed. Christina, I think you should come back up.

CHRISTINA: Too late. I can see it.

DOCTOR: Careful. Slowly. Have you got an open-vent system?

(The Tritovore chitters.)

DOCTOR: I thought so.

CHRISTINA: What does that mean?

DOCTOR: It's like when birds fly into the engines of an aircraft.

(Christina is within touching distance of the crystal when she sees a steel stingray through the girders.)

CHRISTINA: One of the creatures.

DOCTOR: It got trapped in the vents, caused the crash. Christina, get out.

CHRISTINA: It's not moving. I think it's injured.

DOCTOR: No, it's dormant because it's so cold down there, but your body heat is raising the temperature.

CHRISTINA: I tend to have that effect. Almost there.

DOCTOR: Not just the crystal. I need the whole bed, the plate thing.

CHRISTINA: I've got it!

(The Doctor sonics the pulley to pull her up fast, just as the stingray moves.)

DOCTOR: Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on. It's going to eat its way up.

(Christina reactivates the security grid on her way past and the stingray gets zapped.)

DOCTOR: Ooo, she's good.

(Christina returns to the top of the shaft.)

DOCTOR: That's it, that's it, that's it. I've got you. I've got you. Isn't she just.


DOCTOR: Commander? Mission complete. Now, we've got to get back to the two hundred, all of us. Oh, don't be so daft. A captain can leave his ship, if there's a bus standing by.


CHRISTINA: What the hell was that? Is this place safe? It's the creature. It's not dead.

DOCTOR: Maybe you didn't hit just one of them. If you hit a swarm?

CHRISTINA: Do you mean if there's more on board?

DOCTOR: This ship's built inside a metal sleeve. They can move through the infrastructure, all around us. And those things wake up hungry. Commander, you've got to come with us right now.

CHRISTINA: Come back to Earth. We'll find you a home.

DOCTOR: And that's the word of a lady. Come on.

(One of the Tritovores goes to a control panel. The stingray appears and eats him. The Commander raises his weapon.)

DOCTOR: No, don't.

(And gets eaten too.)

DOCTOR: There's nothing we can do. Run!


ANGELA: What sort of storm is that?

CARMEN: Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.

[Mobile HQ]

(Malcolm Taylor phones the Doctor as he is running down a dune.)

TAYLOR: Doctor?


DOCTOR: Not now, Malcolm!

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Fair do's. He's a busy man.

[By the bus]

NATHAN: At last. Where've you been?

DOCTOR: Get inside. Get them sitting down. Now then, let's have a look.

CHRISTINA: So what does that crystal do?

DOCTOR: Oh, nothing. Don't need the crystal.

(He throws it away.)

CHRISTINA: Oh, I risked my life for that.

DOCTOR: No, no. You risked your life for these. The clamps.

(They magnetically attach to the wheels.)

DOCTOR: One there. One there. One there. And one there.


CHRISTINA: But what are the clamps for? Do they turn the wheels?

DOCTOR: Yeah, something like that. I just need to fix this. Have you got a hammer in that bag?

CHRISTINA: Funnily enough.

DOCTOR: Phone, phone. Press redial.

(The Doctor fixes the rest of the crystal assembly to the steering wheel.)

DOCTOR: Malcolm, it's me.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: I'm ready.


DOCTOR: Ready for what?

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: I don't know. You tell me.


I'm going to try to get back.

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: But listen, there might be something following us. You need to close the wormhole.

TAYLOR: Would that be a compressed burst of feedback on a


TAYLOR [OC]: Counter-oscillation, perchance?

DOCTOR: Oh, Malcolm, you're

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: Brilliant.

TAYLOR: Coming from you, sir, that means the world.



MAGAMBO [OC]: What sort of something?

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: That wormhole is now measuring ten miles and growing. I need to know the exact nature


MAGAMBO [OC]: Of the threat.

DOCTOR: Sorry, got to go.

[Mobile HQ]

MAGAMBO: All troops, mobilise and stand ready. Possible Code Red. Unknown.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

CALHOON: Understood. Code Red. Repeat, Code Red unknown.

(The soldiers take aim with everything they've got.)

SERGEANT: Section two, armed.

CORPORAL: Section three, armed.


DOCTOR: Oh, it's not compatible. Bus, spaceship, spaceship, bus. I need to weld the two systems together.

CHRISTINA: And how do you do that?

DOCTOR: I need something non-corrosive. Something malleable. Something ductile. Something gold.

CHRISTINA: Oh no you don't.

DOCTOR: Christina, what is it worth now?

BARCLAY: Hey, hey, use this.

(His wristwatch.)

DOCTOR: I said gold.

BARCLAY: It is gold.

DOCTOR: Oh, they saw you coming. Christina.

(Barclay returns to his seat, and Christina reluctantly takes the Cup from her rucksack.)

CHRISTINA: It's over a thousand years old, worth eighteen million pounds. Promise me you'll be careful.

DOCTOR: I promise.

(The Doctor takes the hammer to the Cup.)

CHRISTINA: I hate you.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Done it. Transmit that, and the wormhole should close.

MAGAMBO: Then do it.

TAYLOR: Well, after the Doctor's come through, obviously.

MAGAMBO: I'm sorry. Believe me. That wormhole constitutes a major threat, and I have a duty to every man, woman and child on this planet. It's got to be closed immediately. That's an order.

TAYLOR: No, no, no, no. No, we can't just abandon him. He's the Doctor. How many times has he saved our lives? I won't let you, ma'am. I simply won't.

(Captain Magambo points her pistol at Taylor.)

MAGAMBO: Right now, soldier.


DOCTOR: This is your driver speaking. Hold on tight.

BARCLAY: But what for? What's he doing?

CHRISTINA: Do as he says. What are you doing?

(The Doctor fires up the bus.)

DOCTOR: Come on. That's it. You can do it, you beauty. One last trip.

(The bus rises out of the sand and into the air.)

BARCLAY: Ah, you are so kidding me.

NATHAN: We're flying. It's flying.

LOU: He's flying the bus.

ANGELA: It's a miracle.

DOCTOR: Anti-gravity clamps. Didn't I say? Round we go.

CARMEN: Doctor, they're coming.

(The swarm is close behind them.)

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: I will never surrender. Never.


CHRISTINA: Do you think this thing will survive the journey back?

DOCTOR: Only one way to find out. Next stop.

CHRISTINA: Planet Earth!

(The bus dives into the wormhole, closely followed by the swarm. Everyone is screaming as it shakes, then comes out of the tunnel and up into the air.)

BARCLAY: It's London!

ANGELA: We're back home.

NATHAN: He did it. He did it!

[Tunnel - north entrance]

CALHOON: Captain!

[Mobile HQ]

CALHOON [OC]: Captain, they're back. It's the bus, ma'am, it's come back and it's flying.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

(The first of the stingrays come through.)

MAGAMBO: Code Red. Fire at will.

SERGEANT: Concentrate your fire!

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: Malcolm, close that wormhole.

TAYLOR: Yes, sir. My pleasure, sir.


DOCTOR: He's hung up on me.

[Mobile HQ]

(Malcolm hits F8 and sparks fly.)

TAYLOR: Oh, no, no. No.

(Something goes bang and he gets thrown backwards. He gets an extinguisher to put out the resulting fire.)


DOCTOR: Malcolm!

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: Not now, I'm busy.


DOCTOR: He's hung up again.

(He redials.)

DOCTOR: Malcolm, listen to me.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR: It's not working.


DOCTOR: I need that signal. We've got billions of those things

[Mobile HQ]

DOCTOR [OC]: About to fly through.

TAYLOR: Well, what do I do?


DOCTOR: Loop it back through the integrator, and keep the signal ramping up.

[Mobile HQ]

TAYLOR; But by how much?


DOCTOR: Five hundred Bernards. Do it now!

[Mobile HQ]


(The wormhole collapses at both ends.)


[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: Target at nine o'clock.

(A rocket takes down a stingray.)

MAGAMBO: I don't believe it. Guns that work.


NATHAN: Doctor, it's coming for us.

DOCTOR: Oh no, you don't.

(The Doctor turns the bus, hitting the stingray.)

[Tunnel - north entrance]

MAGAMBO: Twelve o'clock. Take it out.

(The last one gets blasted and crashes to the ground in pieces.)

MAGAMBO: Cease fire.

CALHOON: Cease fire!

MAGAMBO: Arms down.


CHRISTINA: Did I say I hated you? I was lying.

(Christina kisses the Doctor. The passengers applaud.)

DOCTOR: Do not stand forward of this point. Ladies and gentlemen, you have reached your final destination. Welcome home, the mighty two hundred.

[Tunnel - north entrance]

(The Doctor lands the bus, and UNIT applauds. The passengers disembark.)

CALHOON: Welcome back. If you could step away from the bus, just to be safe. As fast as you can, thank you. It's standard procedure. We need to screen you and then you'll all be taken to debriefing.

(The Doctor flashes his psychic paper.)

DOCTOR: I don't count.

CHRISTINA: No, but Doctor?

CALHOON: With me, thank you.

TAYLOR: Doctor.

DOCTOR: You must be Malcolm.

(Taylor hugs the Doctor.)

TAYLOR: Oh. Oh. I love you. I love you. I love you.

MAGAMBO: To your station, Doctor Taylor.

TAYLOR: Yes, ma'am. I love you.

MAGAMBO: Doctor, I salute you whether you like it or not. Now, I take it we're safe from those things?

DOCTOR: They'll start again. Generate a new doorway. It's not their fault, it's their natural life cycle. But I'll see if I can nudge the wormholes on to uninhabited planets. Closer to home, Captain. Those two lads. Very good in a crisis. Nathan needs a job, Barclay's good with engines. You could do a lot worse. Privates Nathan and Barclay, UNIT's finest.

MAGAMBO: I'll see what I can do. And I've got something for you.

(The Tardis is being unloaded from a truck.)

DOCTOR: Better than a bus, any day. Hello.

MAGAMBO: Found in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.

DOCTOR: Oh, she doesn't mind.

MAGAMBO: Now, I've got three dead alien stingrays to clear up. I don't suppose you fancy helping with the paperwork?

DOCTOR: Not a chance.

MAGAMBO: Till we meet again, Doctor.

DOCTOR: I hope so.

(Angela phones home.)

ANGELA: I said I'm back, Suzanne. I'm home. They didn't even know I was gone.

(The Geiger counter registers on Christina.)

CHRISTINA: That's quite enough of that.

(Christina runs to the Doctor.)

MACMILLAN: She is not getting away this time.

CHRISTINA: Little blue box, just like you said. Right then. Off we go. Come on, Doctor, show me the stars.



DOCTOR: I said no.

CHRISTINA: But I saved your life. And you saved mine.


CHRISTINA: We're surrounded by police. I'll go to prison.


CHRISTINA: But you were right. It's not about the money. I only steal things for the adventure, and today with you. I want more days like this. I want every day to be like this. We're made for each other. You said so yourself. The perfect team. Why not?

DOCTOR: People have travelled with me and I've lost them. Lost them all. Never again.

MACMILLAN: Lady Christina de Souza. Oh, I have waited a long time to say this. I am arresting you on suspicion of theft. You do not have to say anything, etcetera, etcetera. Dennison, take her away.

(Christina leaves in handcuffs.)

CARMEN: Doctor? You take care now.

DOCTOR: You too. Chops and gravy, lovely.

CARMEN: No, but you be careful. Because your song is ending, sir.

DOCTOR: What do you mean?

CARMEN: It is returning. It is returning through the dark. And then, Doctor? Oh, but then he will knock four times.

(Just as Christina is about to be put into a police car, the Doctor sonics her handcuffs. She gets in one side and straight out the other.)


MACMILLAN: Stop that woman! Stop that woman! Stop her. Don't just stand there, stop her.

(Christina runs onto the bus and shuts the doors.)

MACMILLAN: Open the door. I'll add resisting arrest.

DOCTOR: I'd step back, if I were you.

MACMILLAN: I'm charging you too. Aiding and abetting.

DOCTOR: Yes. I'll just step inside this police box and arrest myself.

MACMILLAN: Out, now.

(Christina starts the bus, and up it goes.)

MACMILLAN: No! Come back!

ANGELA: Go on.

CHRISTINA: We could've been so good together.

DOCTOR: Christina, we were.

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