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[St Mary's Church]
(The bride's father has his arm linked through hers instead of the other way around. She changes it.)
GEOFF: Sorry.
(The organist strikes up the Wedding March. The bride and her father begin to process down the aisle. There is a strange sound, the bride screams and then zooms up through the roof and away in a golden sparkle.)
WOMAN: Where'd she go?
[Tardis]
(The golden energy flies into the Tardis and solidifies back into the bride.)
DOCTOR: What?
DONNA: Who are you?
DOCTOR: But
DONNA: Where am I?
DOCTOR: What?
DONNA: What the hell is this place?
DOCTOR: What? You can't do that. I wasn't. We're in flight. That is, that is physically impossible! How did
DONNA: Tell me where I am. I demand you tell me right now where am I?
DOCTOR: Inside the Tardis.
DONNA: The what?
DOCTOR: The Tardis.
DONNA: The what?
DOCTOR: The Tardis!
DONNA: The what?
DOCTOR: It's called the Tardis.
DONNA: That's not even a proper word. You're just saying things.
DOCTOR: How did you get in here?
DONNA: Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me. Who was it? Who's paying you? Is it Nerys? Oh my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it.
DOCTOR: Who the hell is Nerys?
DONNA: Your best friend.
DOCTOR: Hold on, wait a minute. What are you dressed like that for?
DONNA: I'm going ten pin bowling. Why do you think, dumbo? I was halfway up the aisle! I've been waiting all my life for this. I was just seconds away, and then you, I don't know, you drugged me or something!
DOCTOR: I haven't done anything!
DONNA: I'm having the police on you! Me and my husband, as soon as he is my husband, we're going to sue the living backside off you!
(Donna runs down the ramp to the doors.)
DOCTOR: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't!
(She opens the doors and looks at a pretty gaseous nebula.)
DOCTOR: You're in space. Outer space. This is my space ship. It's called the Tardis.
DONNA: How am I breathing?
DOCTOR: The Tardis is protecting us.
DONNA: Who are you?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. You?
DONNA: Donna.
DOCTOR: Human?
DONNA: Yeah. Is that optional?
DOCTOR: Well, it is for me.
DONNA: You're an alien.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
DONNA: It's freezing with these doors open.
(The Doctor slams the doors shut and goes back to the console.)
DOCTOR: I don't understand that and I understand everything. This this can't happen! There is no way a human being can lock itself onto the Tardis and transport itself inside. It must be
(He grabs an ophthalmoscope and uses it to look into Donna's eyes.)
DOCTOR: Impossible. Some sort of subatomic connection? Something in the temporal field? Maybe something pulling you into alignment with the Chronon shell. Maybe something macro mining your DNA within the interior matrix. Maybe a genetic
(Donna slaps the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: What was that for?
DONNA: Get me to the church!
DOCTOR: Right! Fine! I don't want you here anyway! Where is this wedding?
DONNA: Saint Mary's, Hayden Road, Chiswick, London, England, Earth, the Solar System.
(Donna grabs a blouse that is hanging over the railing.)
DONNA: I knew it, acting all innocent. I'm not the first, am I? How many women have you abducted?
DOCTOR: That's my friend's.
DONNA: Where is she, then? Popped out for a space walk?
DOCTOR: She's gone.
DONNA: Gone where?
DOCTOR: I lost her.
DONNA: Well, you can hurry up and lose me! How do you mean, lost?
(The Doctor takes the blouse from Donna and throws it through a doorway.)
DOCTOR: Right, Chiswick.
[St Mary's Church]
(The bride's mother is on her mobile phone.)
SYLVIA: No, she didn't run away. We're not talking jitters. She literally vanished. Now, go and check the house and see if she's there. Oh, Angelica, that's not helping, is it? Now, smarten up.
ANGELICA: Right, sorry.
SYLVIA: Lance, any sign?
(Lance is the groom.)
LANCE: I've looked all around and I can't find her. Where the hell did she go?
SYLVIA: Showing off, that's what she is! First day at school, she was sent home for biting.
GEOFF: Well, it's a bit more serious than that. She's never disappeared before.
SYLVIA: She didn't disappear, it's a trick! It's one of her silly little look at me party pieces. But what if she's dead?
GEOFF: Oh, don't say that.
[Courtyard]
(The Tardis has landed in an area surrounded by buildings.)
DONNA: I said, Saint Mary's. What sort of Martian are you? Where's this?
DOCTOR: Something's wrong with her. The Tardis, it's like she's
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Recalibrating! She's digesting. What is it? What have you eaten? What's wrong? Donna? You've really got to think. Is there anything that might've caused this?
(Donna is making the traditional circuit of the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Anything you might've done? Any sort of alien contacts? I can't let you go wandering off. What if you're dangerous. I mean, have you, have you seen lights in the sky, or did you touch something like something, something different, something strange? Or something made out of a, box of metal or. Who're you getting married to? Are you sure he's human? He's not a bit overweight with a zip around his forehead, is he? Donna!
[Courtyard]
(Donna cannot cope with the reality of dimensional transcendentalism and is walking away.)
DOCTOR: Donna.
DONNA: Leave me alone. I just want to get married.
DOCTOR: Come back to the Tardis.
DONNA: No way. That box is too weird.
DOCTOR: It's bigger on the inside, that's all.
DONNA: Oh! That's all? Ten past three. I'm going to miss it.
DOCTOR: You can phone them. Tell them where you are.
DONNA: How do I do that?
DOCTOR: Haven't you got a mobile?
DONNA: I'm in my wedding dress. It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets? When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say is give me pockets!
DOCTOR: This man you're marrying. What's his name?
DONNA: Lance.
DOCTOR: Good luck, Lance.
DONNA: Oi! No stupid Martian is going to stop me from getting married. To hell with you!
(Donna runs away.)
DOCTOR: I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not from Mars.
[Street]
DONNA: Taxi!
(It drives past.)
DONNA: Why's his light on?
DOCTOR: There's another one!
DONNA: Taxi! Oi!
(Another drives past with its For Hire light on.)
DOCTOR: There's one!
DONNA: Oi!
DOCTOR: Do you have this effect on everyone? Why aren't they stopping?
DONNA: They think I'm in fancy dress.
DRIVER: Stay off the sauce, darling!
DONNA: They think I'm drunk.
MEN IN CAR: You're fooling no one, mate!
DONNA: They think I'm in drag!
DOCTOR: Hold on, hold on.
(The Doctor does a very piercing whistle and a taxi does a quick U turn to pick them up.)
[Taxi]
DONNA: Saint Mary's in Chiswick, just off Hayden Road. It's an emergency. I'm getting married. Just hurry up!
DRIVER: You know it'll cost you, sweetheart? Double rates today.
DONNA: Oh, my God. Have you got any money?
DOCTOR: Er, no. Haven't you?
DONNA: Pockets!
[Street]
(The taxi driver dumps them back where he picked them up.)
DONNA: And that goes double for your mother! I'll have him. I've got his number. I'll have him. Talk about the Christmas spirit.
DOCTOR: Is it Christmas?
DONNA: Well, duh. Maybe not on Mars, but here it's Christmas Eve. Phone box! We can reverse the charges!
DOCTOR: How come you're getting married on Christmas Eve?
DONNA: Can't bear it. I hate Christmas. Honeymoon, Morocco. Sunshine, lovely. What's the operator? I've not done this in years. What do you dial? 100?
(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver and gets a dialling tone.)
DOCTOR: Just call the direct.
DONNA: What did you do?
DOCTOR: Something Martian. Now phone. I'll get money!
(The Doctor joins the queue at a cash machine.)
DONNA: Oh, answer the phone!
[St Mary's Church]
SYLVIA: Hello? Oh no, the battery's gone dead. Has anyone got a charger?
LANCE: Have you tried the hotel? Hello? Hello? Vicar, is your phone working? Mine's run out!
(The Vicar is using his phone.)
VICAR: I've got one wedding about to arrive and another wedding refusing to leave, so yes, I do think it's a police matter.
[Street]
DONNA: Mum, get off the phone and listen. I'm in. Oh, my God, I don't know where I am! It's a street, and there's WH Smith but it's definitely Earth.
(The Doctor gives the London Credit Bank ATM the sonic treatment, and goes straight to Please Take Your Cash without the rest of the preamble. Donna accosts a woman in the street.)
DONNA: Excuse me. I'm begging you. I'm getting married, I really am and I'm late and I just need to borrow a tenner and I'll pay you back I promise and it's Christmas.
(The Doctor takes the money from the ATM then spots a trio of Santas playing God Rest Ye Merry on brass instruments.)
DONNA: Taxi! St Mary's Chiswick. Thanks for nothing, spaceman! I'll see you in Court.
(Donna gets into the taxi, which is driven by another Santa.)
DOCTOR: Donna!
(Donna drives away. The Santas point their instruments at the Doctor, so he zaps the ATM, which sends banknotes flying across the street. Lots of people rush to grab the money and he runs away.)
[Taxi]
DONNA: I promise you, mate, I'll give you the rest when we get there. Oh, I look a mess.
(She takes off her veil)
DONNA: Hurry up.
(The Doctor returns to the Tardis.)
DONNA: Hold on a minute. I said Chiswick. You've missed the turning. Excuse me, we should've turned off back there. We're going the wrong way!
(The Doctor starts the Tardis going as the taxi pulls onto the flyover, missing another car by inches.)
DONNA: What the hell are you doing? I'm late for the wedding. My own wedding. Do you get that?
(The Tardis is tracking Donna.)
DONNA: Turn around! Turn this cab around right now! Are you deaf or what?
(Donna tugs at the Santa's hood and its mask falls off to reveal that it is a robot.)
DONNA: Oh, my God.
(She tries to open a window.)
DONNA: Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Get me out! Help me! Help me! I'm being driven by a robot!
[Tardis]
(Sparks are flying. The Doctor hits the console with a hammer.)
DOCTOR: Behave!
[Taxi]
(The Tardis swoops down and bounces off the tarmac.)
DONNA: You are kidding me.
(The Tardis weaves through the traffic as the Doctor ties a piece of string around a control lever. It comes alongside the taxi. The Doctor opens the doors holding the other end of the string in his teeth.)
DOCTOR: Open the door!
DONNA: Do what?
DOCTOR: Open the door!
DONNA: I can't, it's locked!
(The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver. Donna gets the window open.)
DONNA: Santa's a robot.
DOCTOR: Donna, open the door.
DONNA: What for?
DOCTOR: You've got to jump!
DONNA: I'm not blinking flip jumping. I'm supposed to be getting married!
(The robot accelerates away. The Doctor pulls on his string, there are more bangs from the console and the Tardis gives chase, bouncing off the roof of a car. When it is close enough, the Doctor tries the screwdriver on the robot driver. It clamps its hands onto the steering wheel.)
DOCTOR: Listen to me. You've got to jump.
DONNA: I'm not jumping on a motorway.
DOCTOR: Whatever that thing is, it needs you. And whatever it needs you for, it's not good! Now, come on!
DONNA: I'm in my wedding dress!
DOCTOR: Yes, you look lovely! Come on!
(Donna opens the door. The Doctor reaches out for her. The kids in the Range Rover ahead shout jump!)
DONNA: I can't do it.
DOCTOR: Trust me.
DONNA: Is that what you said to her? Your friend? The one you lost? Did she trust you?
DOCTOR: Yes, she did. And she is not dead. She is so alive. Now, jump!
(Donna launches herself out of the taxi and lands on top of the Doctor. The children celebrate. The Tardis doors slam shut and it zooms upwards.)
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
(3.30. The Doctor is emptying a fire extinguisher in through the Tardis doors. A lot of smoke is coming out.)
DOCTOR: The funny thing is, for a spaceship, she doesn't really do that much flying. We'd better give her a couple of hours. You all right?
DONNA: Doesn't matter.
DOCTOR: Did we miss it?
DONNA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Well, you can book another date.
DONNA: Course we can.
DOCTOR: You've still got the honeymoon.
DONNA: It's just a holiday now.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.
DONNA: It's not your fault.
DOCTOR: Oh? That's a change.
DONNA: Wish you had a time machine, then we could go back and get it right.
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah. But even if I did, I couldn't go back on someone's personal timeline. Apparently.
(Donna sits on the edge of the roof, looking towards St Paul's Cathedral and the City beyond. The Doctor takes off his jacket and puts it around her shoulders.)
DONNA: God, you're skinny. This wouldn't fit a rat.
DOCTOR: Oh and you'd better put this on.
(A gold ring.)
DONNA: Oh, do you have to rub it in?
DOCTOR: Those creatures can trace you. This is a bio-damper. Should keep you hidden. With this ring, I thee bio-damp.
DONNA: For better or for worse. So, come on then. Robot santas, what are they for?
DOCTOR: Ah, your basic robo scavenger. The Father Christmas stuff is just a disguise. They're trying to blend in. I met them last Christmas.
DONNA: Why, what happened then?
DOCTOR: Great big spaceship hovering over London? You didn't notice?
DONNA: I had a bit of a hangover.
DOCTOR: I spent Christmas Day just over there, the Powell Estate, with this family. My friend, she had this family. Well, they were. Still, gone now.
DONNA: Your friend, who was she?
DOCTOR: Question is, what do camouflaged robot mercenaries want with you? And how did you get inside the Tardis? I don't know. What's your job?
DONNA: I'm a secretary.
(The Doctor scans her with the sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: It's weird. I mean, you're not special, you're not powerful, you're not connected, you're not clever, you're not important.
DONNA: This friend of yours. Just before she left, did she punch you in the face? Stop bleeping me!
DOCTOR: What kind of secretary?
DONNA: I'm at HC Clements. It's where I met Lance. I was temping.
[Memory - office]
DONNA [OC]: I mean, it was all a bit posh really. I'd spent the last two years at a double glazing firm. Well, I thought I'm never going to fit in here. And then he made me a coffee. I mean, that just doesn't happen. Nobody gets the secretaries a coffee.
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
DONNA: And Lance, he's the head of HR! He don't need to bother with me. But he was nice, he was funny.
[Memory - stairwell]
LANCE: She's not that bad!
DONNA: She is!
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
DONNA: And it turns out he thought everyone else was really snotty too. So that's how it started, me and him. One cup of coffee. That was it.
DOCTOR: When was this?
DONNA: Six months ago.
DOCTOR: Bit quick to get married.
DONNA: Well, he insisted.
[Memory - bar]
DONNA: Will you marry me?
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
DONNA: And he nagged, and he nagged me
[Memory - stairwell]
(Lance is trying to run away.)
DONNA: Go on, just think about it. We'd make a great couple. And I'd get rid of the dog, and we could do up that back bedroom.
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
DONNA: And he just wore me down. And then finally, I just gave in.
[Street]
DONNA: Please? Oh, please? Please? Please, please, please, please, please.
[Shoe Lane rooftop]
DOCTOR: What does HC Clements do?
DONNA: Oh, security systems. You know, entry codes, ID cards, that sort of thing. If you ask me, it's a posh name for locksmiths.
DOCTOR: Keys.
DONNA: Anyway, enough of my CV. Come on, it's time to face the consequences. Oh, this is going to be so shaming. You can do the explaining, Martian boy.
DOCTOR: Yeah. I'm not from Mars.
DONNA: Oh, I had this great big reception all planned. Everyone's going to be heartbroken.
[Reception]
(Everyone is bopping to Slade, under a big disco ball, and having a great time when the Doctor and Donna enter.)
NODDY: Does he ride a red nosed reindeer, does he turn up on his sleigh? Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? So here it
(Her entrance stops the fun.)
DONNA: You had the reception without me?
LANCE: Donna, what happened to you?
DONNA: You had the reception without me?
DOCTOR: Hello. I'm the Doctor.
DONNA: They had the reception without me.
DOCTOR: Yes, I gathered.
NERYS: Well, it was all paid for. Why not?
DONNA: Thank you, Nerys.
SYLVIA: Well, what were we supposed to do? I got your silly little message in the end. I'm on Earth? Very funny. What the hell happened? How did you do it? I mean, what's the trick, because I'd love to know.
(They all start talking at once.)
LANCE: Where were you the whole time?
(They finally shut up with Donna bursts into tears. Lance hugs her and everyone applauds, except Nerys. Donna winks at the Doctor. Later, as Lance and Donna are dancing together, all happy again.)
SINGER: I have wandered, I have rambled, I have crossed this crowded sphere. And I've seen
(The Doctor gestures to a man holding a smart phone, and borrows it to look up HC Clements.)
SINGER: Oh, my girl, my girl, my precious girl, what is this man to do. So reel me in, my precious girl.
(HC Clements, sole proprietor - Torchwood.)
SINGER: Come on, take me home. Cos my body's tired of travelling and my heart don't wish to roam.
(The Doctor hands back the phone. As he watches the dancers, he remembers the fun times with Rose.)
SINGER: Well, you took me in, you stole my heart, I cannot roam no more. Cos love it stays within you, it doesn't wash up on a shore. Then a fighting man forgets each cut, each knock, each bruise, each fall. But a fighting man cannot forget
(The Doctor spots the man making the video record of the wedding.)
CAMERA MAN: Oh, I taped the whole thing. They've all had a look. They said sell it to You've Been Framed. I said, more like the News. Here we are.
(He watches the replay of when Donna turned into gold energy and flew off.)
DOCTOR: Can't be. Play it again?
CAMERA MAN: Clever, mind. Good trick, I'll give her that. I was clapping.
DOCTOR: But that looks like Huon Particles.
CAMERA MAN: What's that then?
DOCTOR: That's impossible. That's ancient. Huon energy doesn't exist anymore, not for billions of years. So old that it can't be hidden by a biodamper!
(The Doctor runs outside to see robot Santas approaching.)
DOCTOR: Donna! Donna, they've found you.
DONNA: But you said I was safe.
DOCTOR: The bio-damper doesn't work. We've got to get everyone out.
DONNA: My God, it's all my family.
DOCTOR: Out the back door!
(There are robots out there.)
DOCTOR: Maybe not.
(They look through the French windows.)
DONNA: We're trapped.
(A robot has a remote control.)
DOCTOR: Christmas trees.
DONNA: What about them?
DOCTOR: They kill. Get away from the tree!
DONNA: Don't touch the trees!
DOCTOR: Get away from the Christmas trees! Everyone get away from them! Everyone stay away from the trees! Stay away from the trees!
SYLVIA: Oh, for God's sakes, the man's an idiot. Why? What harm's a Christmas tree going to. Oh.
(The plastic baubles are floating off the trees, which are real. Then they start to zoom at the people and go Bang! when they hit something. Panic, the presents go tumbling, and one man gets thrown into the air and lands squarely on the wedding cake. Donna and Lance hide underneath a table. The Doctor looks up over the DJ's sound desk to see six Santa's all lined up in front of the bar.)
DOCTOR: Oi! Santa! Word of advice. If you're attacking a man with a sonic screwdriver, don't let him near the sound system.
(He jams the screwdriver into the deck, and the resulting harmonics shake the robots to pieces.)
GEOFF: It's all right, Stan. You'll be all right. It's all over.
DONNA: Michael? Connie? Oh, Senita, do something useful.
LANCE: What is it? What were they?
DONNA: Just stop wittering. Just help them.
DOCTOR: Look at that. Remote control for the decorations, but there's a second remote control for the robots. They're not scavengers anymore. I think someone's taken possession.
DONNA: Never mind all that. You're a doctor. People have been hurt.
DOCTOR: Nah, they wanted you alive. Look.
(He throws a bauble to Donna.)
DOCTOR: They're not active now.
DONNA: All I'm saying, you could help.
DOCTOR: Got to think of the bigger picture. There's still a signal!
SYLVIA: Donna, who is he? Who is that man?
[Outside the reception hotel]
DOCTOR: There's someone behind this, directing the roboforms.
DONNA: But why is it me? What have I done?
DOCTOR: If we find the controller, we'll find that out. Ooo! It's up there. Something in the sky.
[Spaceship]
(A large red claw touches the screen showing the Doctor looking upwards.)
EMPRESS: Clever, clever, clever boy. Eat you up all snicker snacker, travelling man. He shall come to me, and the beautiful bride. Such secrets to unlock! I shall descend this night. I shall descend upon this Earth and shine!
(The spaceship is a seven pointed star, with spiders web accessories, and the Empress looks like a giant spider.)
[Outside the reception hotel]
(The ambulances have arrived.)
DOCTOR: I've lost the signal. Donna, we've got to get to your office. HC Clements. I think that's where it all started. Lance! Is it Lance? Lance, can you give me a lift?
[HC Clements office]
DOCTOR: To you lot this might just be a locksmiths, but H C Clements was brought up twenty three years ago by the Torchwood Institute.
DONNA: Who are they?
DOCTOR: They were behind the battle of Canary Wharf. Cyberman invasion. Skies over London full of Daleks?
DONNA: Oh, I was in Spain.
DOCTOR: They had Cybermen in Spain.
DONNA: Scuba diving.
DOCTOR: That big picture, Donna. You keep on missing it. Torchwood was destroyed, but HC Clements stayed in business. I think someone else came in and took over the operation.
DONNA: But what do they want with me?
DOCTOR: Somehow you've been dosed with Huon energy. And that's a problem, because Huon energy hasn't existed since the Dark Times. The only place you'd find a Huon particle now is a remnant in the heart of the Tardis. See? That's what happened. Say, that's the Tardis. (He picks up a coffee mug.)
DOCTOR: And that's you. (A pencil.)
DOCTOR: The particles inside you activated. The two sets of particles magnetised and whap.
(He shakes the mug and the pencil, then drops the pencil into the mug.)
DOCTOR: You were pulled inside the Tardis.
DONNA: I'm a pencil inside a mug?
DOCTOR: Yes, you are. 4H. Sums you up. Lance? What was HC Clements working on? Anything top secret? Special operations? Do not enter?
LANCE: I don't know, I'm in charge of personnel. I wasn't project manager. Why am I even explaining myself? What the hell are we talking about?
(The Doctor gets a computer screen to work. It shows a plan of the building.)
DOCTOR: They make keys, that's the point. And look at this. We're on the third floor.
[Lift]
DOCTOR: Underneath reception, there's a basement, yes? Then how come when you look on the lift, there's a button marked lower basement? There's a whole floor which doesn't exist on the official plans. So what's down there, then?
LANCE: Are you telling me this building's got a secret floor?
DOCTOR: No, I'm showing you this building's got a secret floor.
DONNA: It needs a key.
DOCTOR: I don't.
(He sonics the LB button.)
DOCTOR: Right then. Thanks, you two. I can handle this. See you later.
DONNA: No chance, Martian. You're the man who keeps saving my life. I ain't letting you out of my sight.
DOCTOR: Going down.
DONNA: Lance?
LANCE: Maybe I should go to the police.
DONNA: Inside.
(Lance gets in the lift.)
DOCTOR: To honour and obey?
LANCE: Tell me about it, mate.
DONNA: Oi.
[Spaceship]
(The Empress watches the lift coming down.)
EMPRESS: The bride approaches. She is my key.
[Lower basement corridor]
(Lit in eerie green.)
DONNA: Where are we? Well, what goes on down here?
DOCTOR: Let's find out.
DONNA: Do you think Mister Clements knows about this place?
DOCTOR: The mysterious HC Clements? I think he's part of it. Oh, look. Transport.
(Those weird two wheel electric stand up jobs. Donna can't help laughing. They arrive at a bulkhead door labelled Torchwood. Authorised personnel only. The Doctor turns the wheel to open it to reveal a ladder.)
DOCTOR: Wait here. Just need to get my bearings. Don't do anything.
DONNA: You'd better come back.
(The Doctor starts up the ladder.)
DOCTOR: I couldn't get rid of you if I tried.
LANCE: Donna, have you thought about this? Properly? I mean, this is serious! What the hell are we going to do?
DONNA: Oh, I thought July.
(The Doctor climbs up to another sealed cover operated by a wheel, like in a submarine. He opens it and climbs out onto the top of number 8 in the Thames Barrier. Back with Lance and Donna -)
DOCTOR: Thames flood barrier right on top of us. Torchwood snuck in and built this place underneath.
DONNA: What, there's like a secret base hidden underneath a major London landmark?
DOCTOR: Oh, I know. Unheard of.
[Laboratory]
(Lots of bubbling tubes.)
DOCTOR: Oo, look at this. Stunning!
DONNA: What does it do?
DOCTOR: Particle extrusion. Hold on. Brilliant. They've been manufacturing Huon particles. Course, my people got rid of Huons. They unravel the atomic structure.
LANCE: Your people? Who are they? What company do you represent?
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm a freelancer. But this lot are rebuilding them. They've been using the river. Extruding them through a flat hydrogen base so they've got the end result, Huon particles in liquid form.
DONNA: And that's what's inside me?
(The Doctor turns a knob on top of the container, and the liquid glows gold. So does Donna.)
DONNA: Oh, my God!
DOCTOR: Genius. Because the particles are inert, they need something living to catalyse inside and that's you. Saturate the body and then. Ha!
(The Doctor jumps backwards.)
DOCTOR: The wedding! Yes, you're getting married, that's it! Best day of your life, walking down the aisle. Oh, your body's a battleground! There's a chemical war inside! Adrenaline, acetylcholine. Wham! go the endorphins. Oh, you're cooking! Yeah, you're like a walking oven. A pressure cooker, a microwave, all churning away. The particles reach boiling point. Shazam!
(Donna slaps him.)
DOCTOR: What did I do this time?
DONNA: Are you enjoying this? Right, just tell me. These particles, are they dangerous? Am I safe?
DOCTOR: Yes.
DONNA: Doctor, if your lot got rid of Huon particles, why did they do that?
DOCTOR: Because they were deadly.
DONNA: Oh, my God.
DOCTOR: I'll sort it out, Donna. Whatever's been done to you, I'll reverse it. I am not about to lose someone else.
EMPRESS [OC]: Oh, she is long since lost.
(The wall in front of them slides up to reveal a tiered hole descending into the earth.)
EMPRESS [OC]: I have waited so long, hibernating at the edge of the universe until the secret heart was uncovered and called out to waken!
(Lance runs away. Black robed robots turn their guns on the Doctor and Donna.)
[Drilling site]
DOCTOR: Someone's been digging. Oh, very Torchwood. Drilled by laser. How far down does it go?
EMPRESS [OC]: Down and down, all the way to the centre of the Earth!
DOCTOR: Really? Seriously? What for?
DONNA: Dinosaurs.
DOCTOR: What?
DONNA: Dinosaurs?
DOCTOR: What are you on about, dinosaurs?
DONNA: That film, Under the Earth, with dinosaurs. Trying to help.
DOCTOR: That's not helping.
EMPRESS [OC]: Such a sweet couple.
DOCTOR: Only a madman talks to thin air and trust me, you don't want to make me mad. Where are you?
EMPRESS [OC]: High in the sky. Floating so high on Christmas night.
[Spaceship]
DOCTOR [on screen]: I didn't come all this way to talk on the intercom. Come on, let's have a look at you!
EMPRESS: Who are you with such command?
DOCTOR [on screen]: I'm the Doctor.
EMPRESS: Prepare your best medicines, doctor man, for you will be sick at heart.
[Drilling site]
(The Empress transports herself in.)
DOCTOR: Racnoss? But that's impossible. You're one of the Racnoss?
EMPRESS: Empress of the Racnoss.
(Lance climbs the ladder, then runs.)
DOCTOR: If you're the Empress, where's the rest of the Racnoss? Or, are you the only one?
EMPRESS: Such a sharp mind.
DOCTOR: That's it, the last of your kind. The Racnoss come from the Dark Times, billions of years ago. Billions. They were carnivores, omnivores. They devoured whole planets.
EMPRESS: Racnoss are born starving. Is that our fault?
DONNA: They eat people?
DOCTOR: HC Clements, did he wear those, those er, black and white shoes?
DONNA: He did. We used to laugh. We used to call him the fat cat in spats.
(The Doctor points to a pair of feet sticking out of the web across the ceiling, wearing black and white shoes.)
DONNA: Oh, my God!
EMPRESS: Mmm. My Christmas dinner.
DOCTOR: You shouldn't even exist. Way back in history, the fledgling Empires went to war against the Racnoss they were wiped out.
(Lance is on a balcony above the Empress. He makes the shush gesture.)
EMPRESS: Except for me.
DONNA: But that's what I've got inside me, that Huon energy thing. Oi! Look at me, lady, I'm talking. Where do I fit in? How comes I get all stacked up with these Huon particles? Look at me, you! Look me in the eye and tell me.
EMPRESS: The bride is so feisty.
(Lance is sneaking up behind the giant Empress with a fire axe.)
DONNA: Yes, I am! And I don't know what you are, you big thing, but a spider's just a spider and an axe is an axe! Now, do it!
(Lance starts to swing the axe. The Empress turns and hisses at him. Lance laughs, and the Empress joins in.)
LANCE: That was a good one. Your face.
EMPRESS: Lance is funny.
DONNA: What?
DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
DONNA: Sorry for what? Lance, don't be so stupid! Get her!
LANCE: God, she's thick. Months I've had to put up with her. Months. A woman who can't even point to Germany on a map.
DONNA: I don't understand.
DOCTOR: How did you meet him?
DONNA: In the office.
DOCTOR: He made you coffee.
DONNA: What?
LANCE: Every day, I made you coffee.
DOCTOR: You had to be dosed with liquid particles over six months.
DONNA: He was poisoning me.
DOCTOR: It was all there in the job title. The Head of Human Resources.
LANCE: This time, it's personnel.
DONNA: But, we were getting married.
LANCE: Well, I couldn't risk you running off. I had to say yes. And then I was stuck with a woman who thinks the height of excitement is a new flavour Pringle. Oh, I had to sit there and listen to all that yap yap yap. Oh, Brad and Angelina. Is Posh pregnant? X Factor, Atkins Diet, Feng Shui, split ends, text me, text me, text me. Dear God, the never ending fountain of fat, stupid trivia. I deserve a medal.
DOCTOR: Oh, is that what she's offered you? The Empress of the Racnoss? What are you, her consort?
LANCE: It's better than a night with her.
DONNA: But I love you.
LANCE: That's what made it easy. It's like you said, Doctor. The big picture. What's the point of it all if the human race is nothing? That's what the Empress can give me. The chance to go out there. To see it. The size of it all. I think you understand that, don't you, Doctor?
EMPRESS: Who is this little physician?
LANCE: She said Martian.
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sort of homeless. But the point is, what's down here? The Racnoss are extinct. What's going to help you four thousand miles down? That's just the molten core of the Earth, isn't it?
LANCE: I think he wants us to talk.
EMPRESS: I think so, too.
LANCE: Well, tough! All we need is Donna.
EMPRESS: Kill this chattering little doctor man.
DONNA: Don't you hurt him!
DOCTOR: No, no, Donna. It's all right.
DONNA: No, I won't let them.
EMPRESS: At arms!
(The robots point their guns at the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Ah, now. Except.
EMPRESS: Take aim!
DOCTOR: Well, I just want to point out the obvious.
EMPRESS: They won't hit the bride. They're such very good shots.
DOCTOR: Just, just, just, just, just hold on. Hold on just a tick. Just a tiny little, just a little tick. If you think about it, the particles activated in Donna and drew her inside my spaceship. So reverse it, and the spaceship comes to her.
(The Doctor turns the knob on the Huon container.)
EMPRESS: Fire!
[Tardis]
(The Tardis builds itself like smoke around Donna and the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Off we go.
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: My key! My key!
(The Tardis dematerialises.)
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Oh, do you know what I said before about time machines? Well, I lied. And now we're going to use it. We need to find out what the Empress of the Racnoss is digging up. If something's buried at the planet's core, it must've been there since the beginning. That's just brilliant. Molto bene. I've always wanted to see this. Donna, we're going further back than I've ever been before.
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: If a key is lost, then another must be cut. At arms!
(The robots turn their guns onto Lance.)
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: We've arrived. Want to see?
DONNA: I suppose.
DOCTOR: Oh, that scanner's a bit small. Maybe your way's best.
(He goes to the door.)
DOCTOR: Come on. No human's ever seen this. You'll be the first.
DONNA: All I want to see is my bed.
DOCTOR: Donna Noble, welcome to the creation of the Earth.
(Lumps of rock floating around a dust covered sun.)
DOCTOR: We've gone back four point six billion years. There's no solar system, not yet. Only dust and rocks and gas. That's the Sun, over there. Brand new. Just beginning to burn.
DONNA: Where's the Earth?
DOCTOR: All around us in the dust.
DONNA: Puts the wedding in perspective. Lance was right. We're just tiny.
DOCTOR: No, but that's what you do. The human race makes sense out of chaos. Marking it out with weddings and Christmas and calendars. This whole process is beautiful, but only if it's being observed.
DONNA: So I came out of all this?
DOCTOR: Isn't that brilliant?
(A large rock drifts past.)
DONNA: I think that's the Isle of Wight.
DOCTOR: Eventually, gravity takes hold. Say, one big rock, heavier than the others, starts to pull other rocks towards it. All the dust and gas and elements get pulled in. Everything, piling in until you get
DONNA: The Earth.
DOCTOR: But the question is, what was that first rock?
(A seven pointed star spaceship comes out of the dust cloud.)
DONNA: Look.
DOCTOR: The Racnoss.
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: Now I have measured the bride's catalysis, I can force feed it.
(A robot pours Huon particle water down Lance's throat.)
EMPRESS: Drink the particles. Become the key!
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Hold on. The Racnoss are hiding from the war. What's it doing?
DONNA: Exactly what you said.
(The rocks and dust are attracted to the spaceship.)
DOCTOR: Oh, they didn't just bury something at the centre of the Earth. They became the centre of the Earth. The first rock.
(Bang!)
DONNA: What was that?
DOCTOR: Trouble.
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: My wonderful key. Now, my servants, bind him.
(Lance glows gold.)
[Tardis]
(The Tardis is throwing them about.)
DONNA: What the hell's it doing?
DOCTOR: Remember that little trick of mine, particles pulling particles. Well, it works in reverse. They're pulling us back!
DONNA: Well, can't you stop it? Hasn't it got a handbrake? Can't you reverse or warp or beam or something?
DOCTOR: Backseat driver. Oh! Wait a minute! The extrapolator!
(The surfboard device from Boom Town.)
DOCTOR: It can't stop us, but it should give us a good bump!
[Drilling site]
(Lance is ensnared in web when the Tardis appears.)
EMPRESS: The bride shall join her groom. What a wedding there shall be.
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Now!
(The Tardis dematerialises.)
[Lower basement corridor]
DOCTOR: We're about two hundred yards to the right. Come on!
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: She is close, the holy bride in white. Find her. Find her!
[Lower basement corridor]
DONNA: But what do we do?
DOCTOR: I don't know. I make it up as I go along. But trust me, I've got a history.
(The Doctor uses a stethoscope on the Torchwood door.)
DONNA: But I still don't understand. I'm full of particles, but what for?
DOCTOR: There's a Racnoss web at the centre of the Earth, but my people unravelled their power source. The Huon particles ceased to exist but the Racnoss were stuck.
(A robot grabs Donna from behind.)
DOCTOR: They've just taken hibernation for billions of years. Frozen, dead, kaput. So you're the new key. Brand new particles, living particles! They need you to open it and you have never been so quiet.
(He realises she is gone.)
DOCTOR: Oh!
(He sonics the door open to reveal a robot pointing a gun at him.)
[Drilling site]
(Donna is ensnared in the web, next to Lance, directly over the hole.)
DONNA: I hate you.
LANCE: Yeah, I think we've gone a bit beyond that now, sweetheart.
EMPRESS: My golden couple, together at last. Your awful wedded life. Tell me, do you want to be released?
DONNA + LANCE: Yes!
EMPRESS: You're supposed to say, I do.
LANCE: Huh. No chance.
EMPRESS: Say it!
LANCE: I do.
DONNA: I do.
EMPRESS: I don't. Activate the particles. Purge every last one.
(Donna and Lance glow.)
EMPRESS: And release!
(The Huon particles zoom straight down into the hole so kindly dug by Torchwood.)
EMPRESS: The secret heart unlocks, and they will waken from their Sleep of Ages.
DONNA: Who will? What's down there?
LANCE: How thick are you?
EMPRESS: My children, the long lost Racnoss, now reborn to feast on flesh! The web star shall come to me.
(The spaceship starts to move towards the Earth as lots of somethings start to climb up the hole.)
EMPRESS: My babies will be hungry. They need sustenance. Perish the web.
LANCE: Use her, not me! Use her!
EMPRESS: Oh, my funny little Lance! But you are quite impolite to your lady friend. The Empress does not approve.
(The web releases Lance, and he falls into the hole.)
DONNA: Lance!
[London]
(The spaceship comes down over the city, shining like a star.)
LITTLE GIRL: It's Christmas!
[Drilling site]
EMPRESS: Harvest the humans! Reduce them to meat.
(Energy lances out from the spaceship's lower four arms, wreaking havoc in the streets. The little girl screams as one beam cuts through the road until someone snatches her out of its way.)
EMPRESS: My children are climbing towards me and none shall stop them.
(A robot walks up the steps.)
EMPRESS: So you might as well unmask, my clever little doctor man.
(The Doctor removes the robot mask and robe.)
DOCTOR: Oh well. Nice try. I've got you, Donna!
(He points his sonic screwdriver at Donna, and the web starts to give way.)
DONNA: I'm going to fall!
DOCTOR: You're going to swing! I've got you!
(Screaming, Donna swings across the hole, past the Empress and stops underneath the landing where the Doctor is standing. The strand of web was just six feet too long. She drops to the ground with a clang.)
DOCTOR: Oh. Sorry.
DONNA: Thanks for nothing.
EMPRESS: The doctor man amuses me.
DOCTOR: Empress of the Racnoss, I give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you and your children a place in the universe to co-exist. Take that offer and end this now.
EMPRESS: These men are so funny.
DOCTOR: What's your answer?
EMPRESS: Oh I'm afraid I have to decline.
DOCTOR: What happens next is your own doing.
EMPRESS: I'll show you what happens next. At arms! Take aim! And
DOCTOR: Relax.
(The robots slump.)
DONNA: What did you do?
DOCTOR: Guess what I've got, Donna?
(A robot remote control.)
DOCTOR: Pockets.
DONNA: How did that fit in there?
DOCTOR: They're bigger on the inside.
EMPRESS: Roboforms are not necessary. My children may feast on Martian flesh.
DOCTOR: Oh, but I'm not from Mars.
EMPRESS: Then where?
DOCTOR: My home planet is far away and long since gone. But its name lives on. Gallifrey.
EMPRESS: They murdered the Racnoss!
DOCTOR: I warned you. You did this.
(He takes some Christmas tree decorations from another pocket.)
EMPRESS: No! No! Don't! No!
(The Doctor throws the baubles into the air then uses the remote to direct them. He uses some to blow holes in the corridor wall to let the Thames in, whilst the rest surround the Empress. Fires break out, and manhole covers burst under the pressure. Water comes flooding into the lair and down the hole. Alien screams come upwards.)
EMPRESS: No! No! My children! No! My children! My children!
DONNA: Doctor! You can stop now!
EMPRESS: My children!
DOCTOR: Come on. Time I got you out.
(Soaked to the skin, the Doctor and Donna head up the stairs.)
EMPRESS: Transport me!
[Spaceship]
(The Empress is beamed up.)
EMPRESS: Oh, they will suffer! So suffer! This planet shall be scorched!
[Ladder]
DONNA: But what about the Empress?
DOCTOR: She's used up all her Huon energy. She's defenceless!
[London]
(An army tank rumbles down a street, then aims its turret at the spaceship.)
COMMANDER [OC]: Orders from Mister Saxon. Fire at will!
SOLDIER: Fire!
(Missiles pound the spaceship, which falls to pieces then explodes over Canary Wharf.)
[Thames Barrier]
(The Doctor and Donna stand on gate 8.)
DONNA: Just there's one problem.
DOCTOR: What is that?
DONNA: We've drained the Thames.
[Outside the Nobles' home]
(The Tardis is parked across the road.)
DOCTOR: There we go. Told you she'd be all right. She can survive anything.
DONNA: More than I've done.
(He gives her a quick sonic scan.)
DOCTOR: No, all the Huon particles have gone. No damage, you're fine.
DONNA: Yeah, but apart from that, I missed my wedding, lost my job and became a widow on the same day. Sort of.
DOCTOR: I couldn't save him.
DONNA: He deserved it. No, he didn't. I'd better get inside. They'll be worried.
DOCTOR: Best Christmas present they could have.
(Sylvia and Geoff hug each other.)
DOCTOR: Oh, no. I forgot you hate Christmas.
DONNA: Yes, I do.
DOCTOR: Even if it snows?
(The Doctor makes the Tardis lamp turn yellow and fire off a bolt of energy into the sky. Instant snow shower.)
DONNA: I can't believe you did that!
DOCTOR: Oh, basic atmospheric excitation.
DONNA: Merry Christmas.
DOCTOR: And you. So, what will you do with yourself now?
DONNA: Not getting married, for starters. And I'm not going to temp anymore. I don't know. Travel. See a bit more of planet Earth. Walk in the dust. Just go out there and do something.
DOCTOR: Well, you could always
DONNA: What?
DOCTOR: Come with me
DONNA: No.
DOCTOR: Okay.
DONNA: I can't.
DOCTOR: No, that's fine.
DONNA: No, but really. Everything we did today. Do you live your life like that?
DOCTOR: Not all the time.
DONNA: I think you do. And I couldn't.
DOCTOR: But you've seen it out there. It's beautiful.
DONNA: And it's terrible. That place was flooding and burning and they were dying, and you were stood there like, I don't know, a stranger. And then you made it snow. I mean, you scare me to death.
DOCTOR: Right.
DONNA: Tell you what I will do, though. Christmas dinner. Oh, come on.
DOCTOR: I don't do that sort of thing.
DONNA: You did it last year. You said so. And you might as well, because Mum always cooks enough for twenty.
DOCTOR: Oh, all right then. But you go first. Better warn them. And don't say I'm a Martian. I just have to park her properly. She might drift off to the Middle Ages. I'll see you in a minute.
(The Doctor goes into the Tardis, and the engines start up.)
DONNA: Doctor! Doctor!
DOCTOR: Blimey, you can shout.
DONNA: Am I ever going to see you again?
DOCTOR: If I'm lucky.
DONNA: Just promise me one thing. Find someone.
DOCTOR: I don't need anyone.
DONNA: Yes, you do. Because sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Thanks then, Donna. Good luck. And just be magnificent.
DONNA: I think I will, yeah. Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, what is it now?
DONNA: That friend of yours. What was her name?
DOCTOR: Her name was Rose.
(The Tardis starts to dematerialise, then shoots straight up into the sky before vanishing.)
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