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  2x02 - Katie
 Posted: 09/27/12 21:34
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Well, it took a year, she's finally cooking and cleaning.

I knew this would pay off eventually.

Does everybody like egg pie?

Jess, I believe the word that you're looking for is

"frittata."

Oh, Schmidt, stop staring at my fritta-tas! (laughs)

You gotta do something, Nick.

My sister's coming, my mother's coming.

I love being unemployed. I love it!

If I'd lost my job a week ago, I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.

Five-second rule.

The images, the things I would have seen by now. It's...

Jess, are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison?

Jar.

Jar. That's a jar for sure.

Yeah, I know.

I already got the money ready.

No!

What? Oh, no!

SCHMIDT: Damn it!

No!

Jess! What is this?!

I just finished that last night. Isn't it great?

SCHMIDT:

Felt art?

Nick?

I'm on it.

What?

What photograph were you working from? My hair hasn't looked like that in three weeks.

Your hair looks just like that, Schmidt.

Yeah, your hair looks just like that.

You are perfect in that.

This is making me furious.

It's multi-cloth collage.

Insane!

Jess, can I have a word with you?

Take a break!

You're looking at this the wrong way.

This is the first time you don't have to be anywhere or do anything.

Right.

You could make weird art or don't make weird art.

But the point is you can do whatever you want.

You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw.

I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick.

Whoo-hoo! I'm off the grid!

I'm so far off the grid, that everybody's all, "She's off the grid!"

And then I'm all,

"I don't play by your rules."

I can drink at 11:00... a.m.

Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly.

High five.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪Who's that girl?♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

Look at that, look at that, look at that.

My mom always said I was a late bloomer.

Wait till she sees this mustache! Bam!

That's not a shadow?

What?

'Cause your nose makes a shadow right over your...

Oh, now it is a mustache. You look adorable.

Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay?

Yeah.

Does your mother not like me?

Yes.

She does, she does not like me?

Schmidt, she loves you.

Good, good, because, you know, historically speaking, I'm like, catnip to tough-talking African-American women.

It's 'cause I don't front, know what I mean?

Don't do that.

A'ight.

What is that?

What's your name?

I'm Nick.

Nick's name is Nick!

Nick, meet Nick.

Hi, Nick.

You guys even look alike.

Look at that turtle face.

Nick, want these kegs behind the bar?

Yes.

Yes.

He was talking to me.

He was talking to you.

NICK: Andy, I'll go get your check, bud.

Oh, hey, Winston, you know, you can just have the hummus in there, okay? It's giving me the toots.

Hey, Schmidt.

Hey, Alisha.

You look great. Wow.

Thanks.

It's like they stretched the ugly out of Winston.

Hmm.

How's the hoops?

Good, it's good.

Yeah?

Very impressive, pro ball.

I mean, women's pro, but still. Swoosh.

I was working in real estate, but I got laid off, so...

I got laid off last week!

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I just told myself it was a chance to start over.

Yes.

Be someone That I've always wanted to be, you know?

I'm Jess.

Hi. How are ya?

I'm Bearclaw!

Bearclaw helps me with the deliveries.

Hey.

Here's your check, my man.

Thanks, man.

Maybe I'll see you around. I'm in the phone booth.

Um, oh, it was nice to meet you, Jess.

Nice meeting you, too.

And, Jess, you met me.

Nice to meet you both.

Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna do with all my free time.

Him.

You like him?

Mother, may I? Can you give him my phone number?

Yeah, absolutely.

(purrs)

Winston, your sister got so hot.

I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her.

Schmidt.

May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be, Like, dribbling up the court.

Schmidt.

Boom. Technical foul.

Boom. Illegal use of the hands. Boom.

Hello, Schmidt.

Charmaine.

Charmaine!

The loft just became Big Mama's House!

Give me a hug.

You gonna take care of this?

He's dead to me.

Okay.

Hi. Excuse me. Are you Katie?

I'm Sam from Cupid Match.

And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.

You are Katie, right?

Yeah.

Finally.

I am. I'm Katie. Hi.

Hi. So many e-mails back and forth.

How's the little dog of yours?

I had to put her-im down on the way here.

Oh, my God!

I know.

Can I tell you something?

Uh, not really.

I'm you from the future.

Well, that's a first.

Nick, I traveled from the future to find you.

I'm a time traveler.

Does everybody tip badly in the future, or is it just you?

You don't believe I'm you, do you?

Absolutely not.

Well, I know you didn't shower this morning.

Well, good guess. It's a Wednesday.

I know a girl broke your heart and you gave up on love.

I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why.

I know you're a bartender because you like three feet of bar between you and everyone you meet.

Well, I mean...

Chew on that, you clown.

Wait. Hey, don't-don't say all that weird stuff and then just leave!

You were wrong about the bar!

But everything else was right.

What was the band that we...? I know...

I'm in.

I've been to

48 Creed shows, so...

Forty-two.

No way!

Way!

Are you serious?

Wow!

Way to go, Cupid Match.

Yeah. Hey, hold still.

You got a little hair...

on your nose.

(mouthing)

Let's just say, hypothetically, we live in a world where time travel exists, okay?

So if that is the case...

One, Marie Antoinette. Two, Cleopatra.

Three, young Ann-Margret.

Four, old Ann-Margret.

Would you shut up, you clown?! I'm being serious!

I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty.

And I made an astute observation off of that.

I might have met future me.

Who knows about this?

Nobody. You're the first person I've told, obviously.

Whoa.

If I find out how you die, Do you want me to tell you?

Don't worry. I already know. It's one of these moles.

See this little S.O.B. right there?

That's the guy?

I've been eyeing him for a while.

That's one's gonna turn green one day, and then (snaps fingers)

there you go.

Schmidt's dead.

I met me in my bar!

Ask him when I meet Kanye.

'Cause I vision...

I'm talking about real time travel.

I have visions of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...

I could figure out what happened...!

Hey, can I talk to you guys?

What's up, baby?

Don't call me baby. Seriously, stop.

Come on, spill. - Don't wink at me.

What?

Okay, look, I had the best sex of my life last night.

He brewed me like a fine chamomile.

Oh, so that was you.

I thought that was a couple bums fighting.

It wasn't.. It was me having sex.

Mm. - I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, Thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers.

I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie.

And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

SAM:

Katie?

KATIE:

Hey, Sam.

These are my roommates.

Hey.

Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.

Yes. Oh.

We're wondering if we're doing leg warmers today...

Leg warmers.

Oh, we are. Leg warmers?

You guys are dancers, too?

Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie, Yes, yes.

But yeah.

What, do we not look like dancers?

No, I mean...

This one's a leaper.

No, I knew he was gonna go there.

You're a leaper. You are.

Yep. He is. They call him, uh, Cricket.

Yeah, Cricket the leaper.

Let me see you leap.

Cricket, show him how you leap.

I'd love to see you leap.

Don't get self-conscious now. You've got this.

You've got it.

You're really getting a show here,

'cause he normally doesn't do this for a private audience.

Do the tribal stuff.

All right. Yeah.

SCHMIDT: Beautiful.

SAM: Is he okay?

I'm kind of hearing some popping.

SCHMIDT:

No, no, Look at that vert.

Breathtaking.

Faster. Faster.

SCHMIDT:

Grasshopper.

And I'm done.

All right, you know what? I'm gonna go to a couple brunches, maybe take a nap, rehydrate. Come here.

(grunts)

NICK:

This is so normal.

This isn't upsetting at all.

Yah!

(laughs)

Oh, man.

All right, I'm gonna text you later.

Yep.

And if you find my underwear just, uh...

keep it.

(whispers):

I got to go.

SCHMIDT:

Wow, Katie's an animal.

Katie's the best.

Nice.

I love being Katie.

Vintage Katie.

Like an animal you are.

Katie knows how the sausage gets made.

Ew.

Katie...

Has a job, y'all.

I think I should just stay Katie.

Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

What's Katie gonna do, Nick?

She's got some pretty dark needs.

Well, I hope you don't like him,

'cause you're not coming back from, "Just kidding. My name is actually Jess."

(phone chimes)

"Hey, I got your number from Nick. Want to hang?"

What's this?

I gave your number To the guy that you like from the bar. You asked me to.

Oh, my God.

I forgot.

I've never had two guys into me before.

What's happening?

Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening.

Okay, there comes a time in every person's life when...

for no reason whatsoever they are irresistible to the opposite sex.

For me, it was the third night of Hanukkah '96, which I like to refer to as The Night of the Shoshannas.

For me, it's every time I Jet Ski.

This is not fair.

It is gonna take all of my game to sleep with Winston's sister.

What?

What?

And then there's you, Who has this raw animal magnetism just dropped in her lap like a sack of taters. What a waste.

I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.

Oh, it's a waste.

Jess, look, you don't have the skill to juggle men.

You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan.

We all know you're not the best with doorknobs.

You can barely hold one thing in each hand.

You tripped the other day just standing there.

What's happening?

Okay, but Katie can juggle men.

She's out the door before you even know your wallet's gone, son.

(phone chimes)

Ooh.

He wants to cook for me.

Is there a hot way of saying I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese?

I would say no.

WINSTON (whistles):

Didn't know this was a butter knife type of place.

Don't worry, the team's paying.

If anybody asks, you're the ball boy.

Hey, Coach, put me in.

Schmidt.

Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here?

Come on, move over. Hey, y'all.

Everybody scooch, a little scoochie down.

Okay, teamwork. Defense.

Really?

A lot of money that I want to deposit into your Tyra Banks.

If he touches your sister, I'm gonna stop paying your cell phone bill.

The L.A. Sparks.

So many Sparks in one place, you're about to start the world's sexiest fire.

Am I right?

JESS:

Andy and I have been sending each other some pretty dirty texts.

Come to the professor. Let me see.

He says, "Can't stop thinking"

about what you're gonna wear tonight."

How do I respond?

With a simple...

Mm-hmm.

"Or not wear."

Okay.

Okay?

"Or not wear because sex happens naked."

Send.

Okay, let me help you with that.

"Just kidding.

Get ready for a night you will never forget."

Okay?

"Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss."

Send.

Oh, no.

Autocorrect changed "body"

to "meat bar."

(knocking on door)

Bearclaw, what are you...

Yeah!

Oh, you're so hot.

Come here.

(sighs, whispers): I can't wait to see your meat bar.

That's why they call me Bearclaw.

You did that yourself in middle school.

See now it's retracting its claws.

Now it's contracting its claws.

Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna attack you in the wild."

(phone rings)

Oh, my God, phone's ringing.

Oh.

Got to take this.

I'm so sorry, it...

No, no, no, I...

It's very important.

I'll just be cooking.

I love cooking.

It's my only outlet.

Nick, Nick.

You gave my number to the wrong guy.

Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?

Andy.

Andy is so boring.

Bearclaw just told me a ten minute joke about squirrels with the punch line,

"eat these nuts."

Seriously, he is so awesome.

Nick, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Tell me what to do because you got me into this mess; this is your fault.

This is not my fault. I just wanted you to stop cleaning the kitchen so much, Jess.

(phone chimes)

Oh, my God.

Who's Katie?

I'm Katie.

What is happening?

Hey, mama bear.

Hey.

Yeah.

Can I tell you some... thing?

Me first.

Um, when Nick...

When Nick told me that you wanted my number, I was all like...

(bellows)

And then I was like, Nick, this might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now you go.

Um...

what I was gonna say was, um...

You're...

an old soul.

Hey, I wanted...

I wanted to tell you.

When I, uh, I got your text from before, and I have figured out my sex character.

And it's Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.

Hey, if we... if we make love later, and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, are you gonna be weirded out by that?

Bearclaw, I'm sick.

Oh.

In my... face.

Oh, no, um, I've got an anal thermometer in my bag.

I'm really good at telling myself, and I think that I'm... I feel very feverish.

I don't think I need the thermometer.

Oh, yeah.

No, you do feel hot.

Yeah.

Now you feel even hotter.

Alisha, have a drink with me.

Schmidt, I only go out with guys who play basketball.

Well, let's play for it.

I win, you have a drink with me.

You win, I take you to brunch.

Shoot me.

Schmidt, I'm a professional basketball player.

Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in marketing that wants to give it to you.

We both have jobs;

Get over it.

Do I ever finish writing my zombie book?

Z is for Zombie?

Great title.

Do we ever get rich and famous?

Three words:

Hot, air, balloon.

Do we invent them?

No, they've been invented.

Jess or Katie?

Not now, Nicks.

Hey, tell her you're sorry.

What for?

You'll find out.

I mean, I'm sure I did something stupid, but what did I do?

You just tell her you're sorry.

What did I do?

You did something stupid.

So tell her you're sorry.

Now I know why people get annoyed with me.

It's hard to talk to us.

Hey, you know, I can't believe she asked Nick for your number and then...

Yeah, yeah, you know what, man?

We-We're perfect together.

It's like I finally found my lady bear.

See, I felt like we had a connection, too.

You know, I don't know if you ever get that feeling like, I don't know, like maybe I could marry this woman.

Oh, God.

(gasps)

Is there a woman in that bathroom being harmed?

No.

I don't buy it. Get out of the way.

I was trained for this.

Now you're gonna get the Bearcl...

Jess?

Hi, Bearclaw.

I thought you were sick.

I'm feeling better.

Why are you... if you're sick, why are nothing but your breasts covered, Jess?

Are you a doctor, is that why?

Are you a doc... is he a doctor?

Do you know these guys, Katie?

ANDY: Who's Katie?

What is going on in... Jess?

No, Nick.

I... Katie?

What is happening?!

Liar! You...

Liar!

I'm sorry, Bearclaw, but I meant Nick to give my number to Andy.

Silver lining, you have a huge fan in Nick.

She's not good enough for you, Bearclaw.

None of these people are good enough for you.

And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you from real Katie, but ugh, look at you.

He's so handsome.

Very handsome.

I'm only human.

You know what, Bearclaw?

I would have take you to the bathroom, big guy.

He would've.

You guys are terrible people.

I want to die.

SAM: Hey, hold on a second.

Everyone just calm down. Are you really a dancer?

Are you an idiot, Sam?

JESS: Yes!

Did I tell a lie? I did.

But in my defense, I'm off the grid.

We're all off the grid. Hey, hey, we are all off the grid.

Every single one of us, especially you, handsome.

I loved you!

I think that's a little bit of an exaggeration.

You're gonna tell him how he feels after everything you've just done?

Why don't you shut up, Andy?

Yeah, shut up, Andy.

What is this, recess? Come on.

Shut up. - Shut up.

Shut up, Andy!

Nick.

It's time.

Good-bye.

No, no, Nick.

Old Nick, don't go!

(door closes)

Nick!

Nick, wait.

Please.

There's so much more I need to ask you.

I got to get back.

Why do I need to apologize to Jess?

What did I do wrong?

Make her an old-fashioned.

(chuckles)

Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.

Beep, boop, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Beep, beep, boop, beep, ba, ba, ba, beep.

(groans)

Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo.

(rolls tongue)

I believed you.

Olde England.

Have a good trip, man.

When I was a kid, Yeah.

Watching MTV, I thought that if I played my cards right, I could grow up to be Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny McCarthy? You?

Don't make that face.

She was so beautiful with all that swearing, but you know what?

I'm not Jenny McCarthy.

I know that now.

I'm back on the grid, Nick.

You know, I always wanted to be Kurt Loder.

Kurt Loder? He never even went to the Spring Break House. He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam.

He is the elder statesman of our generation.

Why are you making me a drink? You never bring work home.

All right, this is gonna sound really weird, but in the future I might do something really bad to you, and I hope you'll forgive me.

Do you like old-fashioneds, Jess?

I've actually always wanted to try one.

How did you know?

(knocking on door)

What are you gonna do to me?

I don't know.

But it could be bad.

Like me getting drunk and peeing in your closet on all your pretty dresses.

(laughs)

I forgive you.

(knocking resumes)

Imagine all that pee on your pretty dresses, Jess.

I still forgive you.

Hey.

Sam, hi.

Katie?

Not Katie.

Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come over here unannounced.

I didn't... I just wanted to tell you that I don't... I don't care that you lied to me.

I lied, too. Half my profile is a lie.

I am not a shy food blogger who wants a destination wedding in Scotland, okay?

I don't open up the more you get to know me.

I mean, I, you know, Internet date so I don't have to sleep with people I work with.

I do like Creed, though.

I hate Creed.

I don't care what you like or what your name is, or... anything about you.

And the good news is you don't have to care about me either.

And we can still tear each other apart.

What do you think?

You know what?

I'm gonna say yes, I think.

Yeah, let's do this.

Um...

Do we start now or later or now?

Congratulations. I see you've met the one.

(thump)

Watch out for the wall.

♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, that's right, this cut ♪
♪ Goes out to all y'all that's been ♪
♪ Missing us for mad years, one love, yo ♪
♪ Yeah, that's right, he's got game ♪
♪ PE, 1998. It might feel good ♪
♪ It might sound a little something ♪
♪ But damn the game if it don't mean nothing... ♪

You ready, ma?

'Cause I'm about to dribble this hard all the way to the hole.

Come on, Schmidty.

All right, let's do this. Come on, ma.


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