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  1x11 Jess and Julia
 Posted: 02/02/12 12:05
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Your sheets are so soft.

They've actually been in my family for almost 40 years.


If these old things could talk, huh? Ew.

I was just trying to paint a picture.

Read the room.


Hey, Julia. Hey.

It's so fun having another girl around here.

There are tampons hidden all over the apartment.

Ah! Damp towel! Damp!

Here we go... It's like a really big Wet-Nap.

Ah. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.

Look at this bathroom.

There should not be two girls in this bathroom.

You're too humid. You make everything damp.

80% of the products in here are yours.

Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes.

I use sculpting chutney.

Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes.

Hair everywhere... Yo.

The multicolored rubber bands.

I'm fine with it. It's all okay with me.

But a damp towel is where I draw the line.

Sorry, so what are your thoughts on damp towels?

Oh, you'd better watch it, Nick's Overnight Guest.

Julia. I know your name.

Are you flexing, right now? No.

Hey. Hey.

So, I'm gonna just get ready in your room.

Sure. Feeling a little weird and uncomfortable in here?

Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight.

Yeah. See you later.

She's helping me get out of a traffic ticket.

Jess, are you seriously using the girl I'm sleeping with for free legal advice?

Oh, I'm sorry, the girl you're sleeping with?

I mean, you can't call her your girlfriend?

We're not labeling it. Oh, you're not labeling it,

'cause you're too sophisticated.

Don't do your

"sophisticated guy."

That's now how a sophisticated man dances.

How does a sophisticated man dance?

# I'm too sophisticated

# I don't believe in labeling. #

You gotta get laid, man. You gotta get laid, man.

Yeah, I need to get laid.

This is bad. Get out of here.

# Who's that girl?

# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl?

# Who's that girl? #

# It's Jess.

You know, maybe I should call Shelby.

I haven't seen her since I got back from Latvia.

We did have an amazing time together.

Whoo! That was amazing.

Yeah. All right, bye.

I'm gonna call her.

Yeah, over in Latvia they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink.

Whole country runs on the stuff. Called.

was definitely one of my biggest endorsements.

I mean, I have a lot of endorsements, but that was probably my biggest endorsement amongst other endorsements that I had.


So, um... your place or mine?

What are we laughing at?

How much I'm not going home with you tonight.

You show up after two years, out of the blue, and all you do is talk about yourself.

You don't even let me get a word in edgewise.

Why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks?

Winston, you took me out for a drink at the place where I work!

Here's your bill.

Thanks for the water.

Man, I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted.

You chose water.

Have a seat.


Let me get you a blanket.

Why would I want a blanket right now?

Just to get toasty. Oh.

Would you like a cookie, or a cupcake? I made them.

Oh, no. I'm okay. I'm not really a dessert person.

I just don't eat it, usually. Okay. Okay.

I'm just gonna put this, like, right here.

I don't... okay. Just...

Why don't you just take me through what happened with the ticket?

Okay. They got a photo of you?

# At the scene of the crime

# Meh, meh, meh, meh.

Is this it?

Yeah. Okay.

Hmm. This may actually be kind of hard to argue with.

Well, there's actually more there than meets the eye.

Um, there was a bird ... he's not in the shot ...

but he was injured, and he couldn't get out of the road, and so I braked, and then I had to accelerate out of the intersection.

You missed your first court date on this.

My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me before the court date, because he doesn't believe in mail, which has to do with his thoughts on government spending.

Now it's an $800 fine.

That's why I need, like, a really awesome lawyer, like you.

So... can you help me?

I mean, I can try. You never know.

A judge might buy into this whole thing, so...

What "whole thing"?

Your whole thing.

With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and... bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.

Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby.

I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.

Hey, so...

living here, it's probably fun, right?

Yeah. There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?

Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s.

He accepts everyone.

Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...

I probably shouldn't...

Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to... Plead the Fifth!

No, that's not what... Objection!

Nick, hey! Hey, Julia!

You want to hang out in your room? Sure.

Jess, if you'll excuse us, Julie's about to be very disappointed.

Okay, so I will look at this stuff some more, I-I'll call some people, see what I can do.

Here's your blankie back.

Power blazer. Hey. Ha ha.

What's going on with the ticket?

She has a problem with me, Nick.

Okay? She doesn't like me. What are you talking about?

You don't understand,

'cause you're a guy.

She does not have a problem with you. She's just...

Nick, your girlfriend's not a dessert person.


She said you have

"a whole thing"?

I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?

Where is she right now?

Look, I think I know what she meant.

I mean, you do like girly stuff.

I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first.

When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.

My ribbon hat. I love that hat.

Screw her. And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat.

Go get it, right now.

Be right back.

Whoa. There she is.

Nick, where is this bitch?

Gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth.

Okay, this is getting excessive, guys.

She's actually helping her get out of a ticket.

By being condescending and judgmental?

What did she say?

Ugh, just drop it, Nick.

Okay, what did Julia do wrong?

It's just how girls fight sometimes.

There's a lot unsaid.

Like one time, a girl said to me,

"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

Ooh. How did she say it?

"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

That is diabolical. I'm really sorry.

And it ruined our friendship.

I mean, I couldn't get over the polka dot incident.

Warning! Spoiler alert.

Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier to plug in their flatiron.

I will be putting my dehumidifier, and my towel, in my room, where nothing ever gets wet.

All right, you know what, Jess? Julia's one of those girls where she doesn't have, like, a lot of girl friends.

Because she thinks like a guy. She doesn't play mind games.

So blind! Look, all I know is she's totally up front with me.

No subtext, no codes.

Oh. Okay. So did she come right out and ask you if you were seeing other girls?

Because... she asked me.

She did? You didn't know that?

'Cause I thought you guys were so up front with one another.

I thought you guys told each other everything. Yeah.

She told him she didn't want to label it.

Oh. I mean, that's a classic move, even in the lesbian community.

What are we talking about?

Did you just hear the phrase

"lesbian community"

and come running out of your room?

I did. Uh...

question, for you.

This community you speak of, do the ladies look, uh...

more like this one or, you know...

kind of Nickish? Aw, shut up, Schmidt.

I did date a woman who looked a lot like Nick.

You did. Felicia.

Why can't you just admit that she's your girlfriend?

I know, I just thought it was uncomplicated, and now I'm freaking out.

I'm not good at being a boyfriend.

I'm good at being that guy that you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.

All right. So, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.

And blueberries. Barkeep.

Get this man a drink.

Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months.

Come and get it, ladies.

I seriously hate you, Schmidt. Why?

It didn't go well with Shelby?

I gotta say, I thought it would be easy.

You know? Maybe...

maybe I don't have game. Maybe I never had game.

Maybe it's always been about basketball.

Yeah, you don't have any game.

It's always been because you play basketball.

Are you seriously just realizing that you don't have game?

What is your secret, man? How do normal guys get girls?

Let's not say "normal."

Just, you know, say what it is ... "average."

You've had the most game, out of any of us.

Because for years now, you've been working with absolutely nothing.

He makes a good point. Okay.

I've been working with nothing. Zilch.

You're right, I've got nothing.

Except this.


Oh, my God.

Miller! No Cocktail!

Sorry, Julio.

Julia! Hey, Julia!


Ooh. You guys are using names?

That's not too labelly for you?

Hey. Hey, hey, Jules.


Thought I'd drop by and say hello.

Oh, I didn't know we were doing drop-bys.


Here's a scenario that's paid sexual dividends, particularly in the Asian markets, and I think, Jess, you can back me up on this.

Inform her that you're an aerialist for the Cirque du Soleil.

Winston, just ask questions, pay attention to her, listen to her, don't listen to him.

Oh, believe me, I don't take advice from Schmidt.

Never have, never will. Ever.

So Jess told me what you asked her yesterday. What?

That you asked if I was sleeping with other people.

That is not even... I... what?

I don't want to play games. That's not what happened, okay?

I just said something to h, because I was feeling kind of guilty, because I'm, uh...

I'm dating other people, and I just, you know...

wanted to see if you were also dating other people.

You're dating other people? Yeah, yeah.

No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.

Good. Good.

I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman.

Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.

I've had to start carrying, like, athletic shoes in my purse,

'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another.

Can't wear heels.

Well, I'm having sex right now.

Under the bar.

And she's on top.

So figure that out.

Was that her? Yeah.

Well, great. Great.

Then we're both doing the exact same thing.

And we're on the same page.

Kudos for not putting labels on things.

That is exactly what I want. It's my dream.

Just going to go to the bathroom really quickly.

Okay. Great.

Hey. Julia?

Are you serious?

Did Nick say some stuff to you?

Because I'm really sorry, and I want to explain...

Why would you tell him that I said that?

Do you know what that makes me look like?


I see what you're doing.

I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl who wears suits and works too much and you... you're the really fun teacher girl with all the colorful skirts and you bake things.

And eventually, Nick is going to come running to you and you'll tuck him in under his blankie and...

What is it with you and the blankie thing?

I never said the word blankie.

I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.

If I acted the way that you act when I was at work, nobody would listen to me.

Well, if I acted like you at work, my students would turn in really weird, dark dioramas, so...

I don't like you.

And I don't want to be your friend, so...

Fine. Can you leave, please?


I am about to start crying, and you are the last person that I want to cry in front of.

I want to cry, t, and...

where am I supposed to cry?

You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space.

Please go.

What are you doing, Jess?

Get out! I'm sorry.

Winston, what are you doing? Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

I have come here to listen to you.

Should I have interrupted you to tell you that?

Probably not.

So how... how are you?

Tell me about your life, and how is everything?

Winston, what am I supposed to do?

I was a booty call for two years, and then I was nothing for two years.

You show up bragging after all this time like nothing has changed.

What do you want me to think?

That I'm an idiot.

And you know what?

You're right, and I'm sorry.

It's just that since I've stopped playing ball, I realize I'm not that good at this.

And, quite frankly, you are way out of my league.

That is clear now.

But... I do hope this is not the last time I see you, but whatever you want, I'm cool with.

I got to get back to work.


Yeah, I'll help you.


I'm the manager.

Oh, you're the manager? Yeah.

Wow, that's amazing. It's okay.

Case 73.

Mr. Sandoval.

I see you have dressed for the occasion.

Oh. Hi.

You didn't have to come.

I'm sure you're very busy.

I said that I would be here, so I'm here. Don't worry.

I think I can handle it. Let's just get this over with so we can get out of here.

Your Honor.

Your Honor.

Your Honor.

These are the facts, Your Honor.

# Your Honor.

Case 74 ... Jessica Day.

Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir. Okay, listen.

You just have to enter the plea yourself, all right, and then I'll do the rest.

Okay, okay. I got it, all right?

So you know, all you have to do is say... I got it! Thank you.

Okay. Okay. How do you plead?

Guilty. What?

Great. Pay your fine upstairs.

Well, I guess we're never going to know if the bird defense works.

Such a bummer, too.

We have this pool at my office.

Okay. Hey!

I got something to say to you, man.


I brake for birds.

I rock a lot of polka dots.

I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours.

I spend my entire day talking to children.

And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person.

That's just weird, and it freaks me out.

And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown.

And I hate your pantsuit.

I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter.

And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.


And I know you like Nick, and I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.

Are you done?

I am almost done.

I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.

That's the wrong way.

You moved.

You remember my old place?

The place in the hood?


It was hood-adjacent. Whatever.

So, um... so this was nice.

Yeah, it was.

You want to know what I want to do now?


Take you on a real date.

Why don't you call me?

Good night, Winston.

Winston, what's happening? Huh?

Yeah, good night.

What is wrong with you, man?

You got no game. That was so stupid.

Hey! Anyone!

My towel!

Can someone please get my towel?

It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape.

The... the bigger towel.

Not... do not touch the small one.

Okay, I left my towel in my room.

Nobody look.

Nobody look, yo.

We don't want to. Nobody look.

Seriously, no... no one's looking?

All right, forget it.

Aah! Damn it! See, he's a natural blond.

What shape is that supposed to be shaved into?

Think he's trying to force perspective.

Very funny. I got to get something off my chest.

No, Schmidt, there is an apron right over there ... go cover yourself.

You are Jewish. You're making me gayer.

Are you going to go on, like, a big wet towel rant?

No. This is now a sex rant.

To wit, six months ago, I thought getting a girl roommate would mean sex all the time ...

definitely with her friends and probably with her.

Are there women here?

Yeah, sure, more than ever.

But you ... not going to happen.

You, I will never give up.

And you... well, you sample from the gumbo pot.

I am in a damp bathroom full of naked women every day, and I hate it.

It's like a nightmare. I'm in a...

watermelon-themed apron with a...

A tampon?

Why would you need this for cooking?

I just had an idea.

Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars instead of hooks, and that'll make them dryer?

That is the...

that is... that is a great idea.

Quick question for you.

As a lesbian gynecologist, perhaps, one of these days, the two of us could sit down and talk about OSI.

What is OSI? Our shared interest.

Schmidt, clothe yourself! All right, all right.

It was just a suggestion.


Hey. Hi.

Nick's not here.

That's okay.

Uh, because I came here to...

well, I kind of came because I-I thought it would be good if you and I...

Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck in the yarn because... Oh.

I didn't realize that you had people over. Sorry.

No, it's just... crochet time.


Nick's not here right now. No, I know.


I'll just come back later.

Hey, Julia.

Do you want to crochet with us?

I mean, growing up was brutal.

I went to an all-girls school.

The worst ... girls can be so mean to each other.

Yeah, Cece and I hid in the bathroom for four years.

This is... this is really nice, guys.

Thank you for letting me join in.

It's totally relaxing.

Except that I don't know why, if I put the fox through the cave, it doesn't... the yarn is broken.

I don't know why this is not turning into...

What you making?

A hat.

If you're making a hat for a baby, it is done.


Hey, Julia.

What are you doing here?

Could I talk to you for a second?


Hey, Julia.


No, there's something that I need to say to you.

All right. Then go ahead.

Okay. Okay.

I'm going to say it.

Okay, I... Just say it.

All right. I-I wanted to say that...

I don't want to date anybody else.

I just want to date you.

Well, that's what I was going to say to you.

Really? Yeah.

So, then... so, then, what does that mean?

You're, like, my boyfriend now?

I'm not really into labels.

Yeah, all right.


That's so lame.

You're totally going to...

carry my books home from school.

I will if you wear my leatherman jacket.

It's "letterman" jacket. No, I'm pretty sure it's a leatherman jacket. You letter...

The leather sleeves that the football guys wear?

I'm right. I'm right.

I'm glad you pitched a fit, because my towel is very dry.

I didn't pitch a fit. I just...


Damn it!

Everybody ... bathroom now!

What's up, Dad?

What, Schmidt? Is someone playing a joke on me?

Honestly, why is my towel still damp?

cause it's not your towel;

it's my towel, Schmidt.

No, it's not your towel. Your towel is the red one.

I'll tell you this, pal.

I've never used that.

I do use that one every single day.

Oh, God.

This towel's so warm and fluffy.

It's like it's been in the sun forever.

This means you two have been drying your junk with the same towel. Intimate.

Are you out of your mind?! What do you mean, am I...

How do you think this is your towel? Do you even wash it?

No, I don't wash the towel;

the towel washes me.

Who washes a towel?

You never wash...? You wash your towel?

You never wash the towel? What am I going to do?

Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?

You got to think here, pal. I'm furious right now.

I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, and I use the towel. Let me ask you this.

Have you been wearing my underpants?

Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

You guys don't wear each other's underpants?

You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.

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