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  1x02 - Kryptonite
 Posted: 09/29/11 11:31
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Can I ask you something?

You want my help?


You consider me a sexy man, correct?

I don't know how to answer that question. - Okay, look, I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably going to bring her back here for sex.

I have to get to school

'cause it's Astronomy Day and I'm dressing up like Galileo so I have to put on my beard.

I get that, but as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest?

You know, like, like where am I best on display ... here?

Here or... here?

Hey, what is going on...?

Um, Schmidt wants to know where in his room he looks the sexiest.

Well, it's a big room.

What are your choices?

Okay, I'm glad you asked.

All right, here.



or here, you know, maybe just reading a book or...

That's a lot of options.

Could you do 'em again really fast?

You want to see 'em again?


Okay, here, here, here.

Wait, what was the first one again?


Okay, I get it, all laugh at Schmidt, great.

Here, here...

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

I'm so excited to meet him.

No, Jess, he's sleeping.

He flew in late last night.

We took him straight to the bar.

Took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed

"I love America,"

now he's happily passed out.

Let's let him sleep.

Guess I'm not the new kid anymore.

Just one of the guys.

You're still the new kid.

Winston lived here before Coach did.

So Coach said that they used to play basketball together in college, but then Winston went pro?

In Latvia, okay, he went, went pro in Latvia.

It's a big difference. Well, the team logo is a fig, just a, just one single fig.

Oh, you're jealous ... that's so cute.

Of Winston? No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not jealous of Winston.

Okay, it's been two years.

He's gonna have to recognize.

I'm a lot flyer now. Want to see me flex my base?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Put your shirt on.

Let me flex my base, man.

Put your shirt on.


It's the morning.

He's going to love it.

Jess, what are you doing?

What is, what is she doing?

Who, w-what, what, what, who...?

I'm Jess.

♪ I'm Je... ♪

What's happening?

Why are you doing that?!

♪ ...ess. ♪

I can't believe you didn't tell me he was hungover.

I totally told you he was hungover.

I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.

Hi, Winston.

Hey, I apologize for what happened before.

Not cool, bad call.

I've been talking to the guys about boundaries, so I totally get it.

Perfectly fine, no problem.

Do you have a tank top I could borrow?

You look like you're about my size.

It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now 'cause I broke up with my boyfriend.

Oh, God. I caught him cheating, and I just, like, grabbed whatever I could and...

Jess, you know what?

I'll let you check my lost and found.

It's where I keep all the stuff that girls leave behind in my room after we fo'nicate.

Got sizes zero through ten.

What have you done to me, Nick?

I am so happy you're back.

You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.

Oh, man, look at these.


Oh, look at that.

Rosh Hashanah,


Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.

Winston seems nice.

Did he say anything to you about the room?

What room?

The big room.

I kind of took it from him when he left.

I used to be in the small room.

This happened in the small room.


Never going back there again, Jess.

He's never going to give you that room back.

Come on, man, it's Schmidt.

You know, they have a saying in Latvia:

That guy is so stupid, we could easily take things away from him.

That's a saying?

Yeah, it is.

What do you think?

Jess, I've been telling you this for weeks, but you got to call Spencer and you got to get your stuff back unless, you know, unless you're scared.

No, I am not scared.

It's just complicated.

That stuff was, that stuff was ours and the house was...

Jess, look, it's a ball.

Oh, a little b-ball, huh?

I'm actually pretty good.

I used to play with my mom.

♪ Defense, defense, watch out for the defense ♪
♪ Sneaky, sneaky, wah-wah. ♪

You get used to her.

Hey, Schmidt.


My bad.

I'm sorry, you guys.

That was my TV, Jess.

It's kind of all he had.

I'll get you a new one.

I just can't afford it right now.

If you don't mind me asking, what's the plan?

You don't know me like that, but I need a TV.

Do you have a TV at Spencer's?

Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and bright.

Go get it.

Go get it.

No, I can't call Spencer, I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho.

Actually, that's not fair ... she might be a really nice ho.

I just don't want to get in a big fight with Spencer. I want to be friends with him eventually.

Why do you want to be friends with your ex?

I don't want to be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart with her perfect, perfect hands.

He has a power over me.

It's like he's a wizard and I'm his mage.

I think it's his hair.

He has this, like, really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it, I get the whoo-whoos.

Oh, my God, I hate my life.

All right, guys ... Jess, look, Jess, I know.



Am I right?

I don't know at all what you're saying right now.

Okay, Jess, think about it.

Schmidt, it's not that complicated.

Jess, just get the TV back.

I need a TV.

It's important.

It's a television.

It's what brings all of ... just get us the TV!

Okay, it's not a big deal.

I'll do it, I'll call Spencer and I will talk to him and I will talk to him, so yay.


Hi, Spencer.

Hi, Jess-Jess.

Wow, I missed this place.

Mmm, mmm.

How's your yogurt thing, Schmidt?

Oh, the parfait?

It's parfait.


Oh, hello, you look beautiful today and smart.

Stop talking to me, Schmidt.

So you're making all the calls now, Schmidt.

Sure. This must mean you are the top dog.



You know, I'm glad you guys think that because, you know, I think that, too.


I mean, when I moved out, obviously there was a power vacuum.


Yeah, I needed a leader.

I didn't know which end was up.

No, Nick's a bottom ... you know what I mean.


Say, Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room or, I don't know, is that kind of cheesy, is it a little overkill?

No, no, no, no, but I definitely see what you're saying, though, definitely.

Um, every top dog is different, every top dog is different.

Hey, Schmidt, what, uh, kind of top dog are you?

The kind with the big room.

I'm so glad we're talking.

Last time I saw you, you were so mad.

How is, um...?


Rochelle ... fancy name.

She's great.

Rochelle ...

like a mermaid.


Hello, I'm Rochelle.

I eat fish.

Yeah, we have a lot in common.

Obviously we both love bikes.

I love bikes.

Not enough.

Um, Spencer, I need my stuff back ...

my TV and all my winter clothes...

Yeah, of course.

...and my plants.

I would have brought it today, but I rode my bike here, you know, without the basket.

Okay, well, when would be a good time for me to come...

It's so good to see you.

Spencer, I really need my stu...


I need something, too.

♪ She's dressed in yellow, she says hello... ♪

Thanks for taking me to the airport, Jess.

Of course.

All you have is your bike, Rochelle.

♪ You want it ♪
♪ You got it ♪
♪ You want it, baby ♪
♪ You got it, uh ♪
♪ Just bust a move, uh ♪
♪ You want it. ♪

$550 for the TV?

Seems a little steep.

I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go.

You drew a smiley face.

I'm a teacher.

Do it for the kids.

For the kids, $550.

I can't go home without a TV.

I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or ... let's be honest ... sexually.

I'll just... just get out of here.

Are you trying to rob me?

Hey, where's Winston at, man?

I think he's in his room, Schmidt.

You really think I'm top dog?


You think I'm head baller, shot caller?

Yes, Schmidt, I feel that way.

See that, man?

That's my new thumb ring. How choice is that?

Little skull ... it's so nectar.

Did you just make up "nectar"?

No, it's a volleyball term.

What is Winston doing in there?

He can't hang out in there ... it's too small.

What's up?

Yeah, what up ****.

Hey, are you all right?

I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.

What happened?

Ugh, I'm a terrible roommate.

I mean, seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer?

That is not your job.

That is my job.

All right, so what happened?

He needed a ride to the airport.


For his new girlfriend.

Are you kidding me?

Are you serious?

I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.

Oh, my God, Jess.


What's wrong with me?!

I figured it out.

This guy's your Kryptonite.

You need to stand up, and you need to fight him.

I tried to fight him, but I can't, 'cause I'm powerless.

'Cause you're not ready to let him go.

I think you know deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's over over.

I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but I agree with him.

No, you guys are wrong.

I really... I really want to move on.

Then you got to fight.

All right, I want to fight.

And get mad.

I want to get mad.

All right, then let's do this.

Pretend this is Spencer's face. Punch it.

Get him.

Come on, do it again.

Punch it like a man...

Harder than that!

C'mom, Jess.

C'mon, Jess. Get angry!


Get angry! Real angry.

That's dancing, that's punch-dancing.

He broke your heart.

He did terrible things to you. You hate him.

I'm mad!

Good! - There you go.

I'm bad!

You're ready. Go get your stuff.

I'm gonna go get my stuff!

Go get him!

Come on, Jess.

I'm really mad!

Proud of you.

Gonna go get it!

Get your stuff.

I'm gonna face the facts.

I'm gonna ask you guys right now to come with me.

Seriously, guys.

All right, yeah, yeah.

'Cause I can't carry everything alone, and I can't be alone.

Yeah! Loud music!

Loud. It's loud.

Okay, you are ruining my pre-game mix.

What am I gonna say?

Hey, Spencer, give me my TV back.

Hi, Spencer. Give me my TV back, buddy.

No "buddy."

How about "jerk" or "idiot"?

Mr. Crabs.

Mr. Crabs is an option.

Your hand is on my leg.

Oh, your hand's on my leg.

No, it really isn't.

Classic he said, she said.

Okay, Jess, just pull over right there.

What are you doing? It was right there.

Okay, you know what? Just one more shot.

One more time around, Jess, and then we're good. You got this.

Here we go. This is the one.

All right, you got this, Jess. Come on.


Just one more time.

...didn't want to, you know.

Ok this is the time, this is the time...

One more shot, one more shot.

Just one more. Just one more.

You know, I'm on to you.

What do you mean?

Okay, you told me that I'm top dog, but secretly, you think you're top dog, all right?

And now you're just trying to out-top dog the top dog.

Jess, can you please take these doors off child-lock so I can kill myself?

Men working.

Look, things are different now, man, all right?

You're not top dog anymore. I am.

Okay, you know what? You are absolutely correct.

You are the top dog.


What are you doing?

There's no top dog crown.

What, are you trying to make me look stupid?

Look, man, this is about respect.

I'm a lot flyer than I used to be.

Yeah, much flyer. I respect you, Schmidt.

No, you don't.

Because if you did, you would have told me that the small room is the top dog room.

♪ Just when I thought our chance had past ♪

What? I own this song.

♪ You go and save the best for last... ♪

What's happening?

What's happening is that this is a great song.

I'll be out here if you need me, Jess.

Oh, hey, Jess-Jess.

That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.

Looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.

Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.

Didn't you just kind of assume he'd have a handlebar moustache?

Come on, Jess, just go in there and get that TV.

I miss you, Jess.

Don't hug him back.


Oh, that's not good.

I told you to water the plants.

Huh? Oh. Oh, you know it's not my thing.

I told you to water the plants.

What is she doing?

Oh! Oh, what a mess!

I'm coming in!

Jess, take your shoes off!

We keep an Asian household.

Didn't see that coming.

She going to be okay in there?

I've got it!

It's really heavy, but I got it!

Oh, my God, we created a monster.

She looks like Helena Bonham Carter.

Soft hands, Jess.

Jess, come on, let's share it. You know, work out a system.

Hey... Hey, that's my shirt.

No, this is my T-shirt.

No, that is my shirt.

It has my name on it.

Don't drop it. Jess, don't...

Don't drop the... No, no, no...

Come on, everybody out now.

Ugh! Give me my shirt!

Come on, I like this shirt.

Hey, Jess, no, no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Sorry. Don't mind us, pal. We're just here for the TV.

Who are these guys?

They're my roommates.

Cece, hi. - I'm gonna go in and get the rest of your stuff, Jess.

Wait, Jess, let's just talk about this, okay?

You know, rap it out.

No, we can rap it out. We're not together anymore.

It's not the same.

It doesn't mean we can't talk about things.

There's nothing to talk about. Give me my shirt back.

No, you gave this to me. I want to keep it.

Give her her T-shirt, man.

No, I don't want to, you know, and I gave her this hat, too, so I'm gonna take this back.

This one? - Yeah. You want that?


Then I dare you ...

come take it off my head, pal.

I dare you.

You guys look ridiculous.

Look, dude, give her the shirt back.

I bet she worked hard on that jamboree.

Yeah, it's a play on words ... Jam-boree.



Girl made a lot of jam, Spence.

You know how time-consuming that can be?

You need a jar funnel, a canner, some fresh fruit ... strawberries, raspberries, maybe a tayberry, maybe a ripe...

No more fruit, Schmidt.

You live with these people, Jess? Seriously?

You can stay here until you find a better place to live.

You know what? I don't like you, stretch.

I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...

I got this.

I've got a place to live, Spence.

It's over.

I spent six years trying to figure you out.

All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair.

I'm happy you cheated on me.

Thank you.

Because if you hadn't, I would have married you.

And then you would have hurt me all over again.

And, yeah, I was scared to start over.

I didn't know what to do, and yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet.

And yeah, stranger danger is real.

But I love these guys.

I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.

I would just take it easy with the love stuff.

All of them.

Give her the shirt back, man.

What happens if I say no?

You know what happens?

Schmidt happens!


What was on your hand?

Thumb ring, bitch.

You got some Schmidt on your face.

You know what? Fine! Here, take it!

Keep the bell.


You know, I thought we were gonna handle this like adults, Jess.

Yeah, well, I thought you were the love of my life, so...

Suck it, Mr. Crabs.

You hit that guy.

Whatever. You know.

You know what?

Maybe I didn't have respect for you before, because if this is what respecting you feels like, this is definitely not how I felt.

So, you recognize. Represent, what?

Okay, look, I'm gonna be completely honest.

I've been messing with you.

But it's just that I wanted my old room back.

You know, you're right.

I've been away a long time, and things have changed around here, so I guess I kind of got to get used to that.

You can keep the big room.

See, now you're just deep dogging me, man.

I'm not scared of your mind games.

I'm taking the small room, Winston.

Schmidt, that's not what I mean, but...

No, no, no, no, no. Why don't you listen to what I mean?

You can double reverse dog me until the cows come home.

I'm not falling for it.

What do you take me for, some kind of idiot?


Can't believe I got all my stuff back.

You did, but most of it's broken.

Yeah, it's broken, but ... I don't know ... it's mine.

Yeah, but it's broken. Hey, look at that.

I think it's working.

Oh, my God!

We got a TV again.

It's a TV, and it's working.

Hey, we got the TV back!

All right!

You guys are awesome.

I'm going to make you so much jam.

Please don't.

♪ Oh, we're gonna have a jam sess. ♪

Absolutely not.

Okay, what are we watching?

I have some DVDs.

Um, Adventures in Babysitting,

uh, Prancer, Newsies, Curly Sue.

I'm going out.


Wait. Where are you guys going?

These are heartwarming films.

Curly Sue. Let's do this.

All right, let me go get it.

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