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The Trial of JK
by Hotspur and Star2000Monkey
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, they belong to the WB. We just borrowed them for a little while.
Summary: The following was written as a humorous attempt to allow some Roswell fans to help themselves "get over it" and "move on."
Category: Attempted Humor
Rating: PG-13. Mild Language - okay, a couple of 4 letter words.
Author's Note: No spoilers at all.
Players:
Judge - Willowfan
Bailiff Bob - HHF
Prosecuting Attorney - KayCM
Defense Attorney - SterlingSilver
Mr. K - Scotlore
Tess - RosGMom
Two or so Victims
Audience Member or Two as stooges
The Trial of JK
Bailiff Bob enters the courtroom.
Bailiff Bob: Hear Ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! All Rise for the Honorable judge Willowfan!
Judge enters and takes her seat.
Judge: Thank you, bailiff. (looks at audience) You may be seated. Ms. Bailiff, if you will announce the next case please.
Bailiff Bob: The Case of The Dreamers Vs. JK, Alias Mr. K, Katims, Jason Katims, that idiot, that utter idiot, and that stupid hack et., al. (looks closely at casebook and mutters to self) What's this about the granilith and his bu . . . (looks up, clears throat, says) Er, nevermind. Your honor, the charges are:
That the defendant did commit willfully and knowingly the following offenses:
Charge 1: Breach of promise with the Dreamers by claiming a M/L reunion would begin by the third episode
Charge 2: Perjury and reckless endangerment of fans' feelings by claiming to be a Dreamer
Charge 3: Perjury by claiming that he would never break up M/L, just give them obstacles
Charge 4: Perjury by claiming that Max would find out about FM before the season's end
Charge 5: Criminal assault and attempted murder with the butchering the character of Max Evans
Charge 6: Complete idiocy by creating the character of Tess. (Here, there should be a slight murmur in the courtroom, followed by JK saying almost inaudibly: Complete idiocy?!? But that's not a criminal charge. That remark should then be followed by the prosecutor saying: In Denial Land, not only is it a crime, it's a capitol offense.)
(Here, Judge will rap gavel and call room back to order.)
Judge: Order in the courtroom! Defense, if you can't keep your client in line, I'll have Bailiff Bob remove him from the court for the remainder of this hearing! Now proceed!
(Underneath this, we should hear JK mutter)
JK: (whining) But this isn't fair.
Charge 7: Murder in the first, second, and third degree. He killed the Dream.
(JK should protest here to his attorney that they shouldn't be allowed to charge him with all these counts of murder. His attorney should look up from filing her nails and tell him to shut up.)
Judge: Thank you, Ms. Bailiff. Please be seated.
Bailiff Bob is seated
Judge: Is the Prosecution ready with their opening statement?
PA: We are, Your Honor.
Judge: Is the Defense ready with their opening statement?
DA: (Defense looks up from blowing on wet nail polish) Huh? Oh, uh, yes, we are, Your Honor
Judge: Madam Prosecutor, you may begin.
PA turns to the audience.
PA: Ladies and gentlemen, we intend to prove that this man is a compulsive liar, a obtuse hack, and ... an evil murderer!
Audience: general grumblings, cheers
JK: But, but . . .
Judge: Need I remind the defendant to shut his pie hole?
JK: Er, no, your honor.
Judge: (to prosecutor) Is that it? (PA nods) Wow, nice job. I love those shoes by the way.
The Judge and the PA beam at each other for a long moment then:
PA: Thanks, Judge. (sits down in a flurry)
Judge: Madam Defense Attorney?
DA looks up from cleaning out hairbrush.
DA: Huh? Oh yeah, um.
DA rises, faces the audience.
DA: Well, we'll try to prove that he's not such a bad guy. I mean, um, I guess, anyway.
JK protests under breath. Judge shakes gavel warningly at him. He subsides.
Audience sits in total silence, PA hisses.
DA: Your Honor! I object!
Judge: What is your problem, Ms. D?
DA: The Prosecutor made noises during my speech!
PA: Did not!
DA: Did so!
PA: Did not!
DA: UH-HUH!
PA: NUH-UH!
DA: UH-HUH!
PA: NUH-UH!
DA: UH-HUH Infinity!
PA: NUH-UH! Infinity Infinity!
DA: There is not such thing as infinity infinity!
PA: Is too!
DA: Is not!
(JK puts head in hands and whimpers, "I'm screwed" or the equivalent.)
Judge: Children!
They both turn to the Judge, PA looks innocent as a lamb. DA is fuming.
Judge: Madame Prosecutor, if you did such a thing - and I am sure you did not! - please don't do it again. And of course, there's such a thing as infinity infinity. You all watched Season Two, did you not? (grumbles from audience) Well, that went on forever twice over in a very unpleasant way didn't it? (agreement sounds from audience) Okay, then. No more arguments about it!
When judge looks down for a moment, PA thumbs her nose at DA, who flops back down into her seat and sticks her tongue out at PA.
Judge: Madame Prosecutor, you may begin your case.
PA: The Prosecution calls Mr. K, alias Jason Katims, Katims, the idiot, the utter idiot, THAT RAT BASTARD to the stand.
Someone from Court audience yells: You forgot stupid hack!
PA: Oh yes, of course, my bad. And stupid hack.
Bailiff Bob rises, facing the audience.
Bailiff Bob: Mr. K, come to the stand!
(General stirring in the court. Mr. K stands, looks at his DA, obviously waiting for her to object. She does not, as she is busy looking through her hairs for split ends. Finally the judge looks questioningly at Mr. K).
Judge: Mr. K, is there a problem?
Mr. K: But I thought I didn't have to testify against myself!
Judge: Again, Mr. Katims, you must be thinking of the rules in the US, Mr. K. This is Denial Land. We have our own rules here. Better rules.
Mr. K thinks for a moment then goes to the stand.
Bailiff Bob steps up and faces Mr. K.
Bailiff Bob: Place your left hand on a copy of The Pilot script and raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth so help you Buddha?
Mr. K(pauses): I do.
Judge: Madame Prosecutor, you may proceed
PA approaches him.
PA: Mr K, did you on or about August of last year tell Roswell fans that: "I will never break up M/L, just give them obstacles."
Mr. K shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
Mr. K: Er... I might have.
(General restlessness in the court. Judge smacks gavel down to restore order.)
PA: (to judge) You know, I love it when you do that. It's so cool.
Judge: It is, isn't it?
JK: Um, aren't we having a trial here?
Judge: Be quiet, you!
PA: That's okay, your honor. I do have some more questions.
Judge: Please. Proceed. (Judge and PA smile happily at one another for a moment,
then . . .)
PA: Mr. K, could you define a Dreamer for us?
JK: A dreamer? Uh... someone who wants M/L to be a couple?
PA: Okay then. Perhaps you can answer this. Did you and your minions tell Dreamers that M/L would start being reunited in Episode 3 of S2?
JK: Yes, we said that.
PA: Mr K, are M/L together as a couple in SAB?
Mr. K: Uh, no.
PA: Mr. K, are M/L together as a couple in AN?
Mr. K.: No.
PA: Mr. K, are M/L ever together in S2 Roswell?
Mr. K: No.
PA: Mr. K, did you have M/L break up in Destiny?
Mr. K: Uh, well sort of.
PA: Mr. K, did you have M/L break up in EOTW?
Mr. K: Well, it was to save the world, you know! And it was Liz' fault for not thinking up something better!
PA looks on in amazement.
PA: Mr. K, did you write that script?
Mr. K: Uh, yes, yes I did.
PA: Mr K, you wrote what Liz Parker said and did in that script, right? I mean she is a fictional character, correct?
Mr. K: Well, of course. She is my creation.
(General disagreement in classroom. Thania St. John's and Melinda Metz's names are distinctly heard. Judge pounds gavel and then asks PA to continue.)
PA: Thank you, your honor. Then, sir, I will ask you one more time. Did you break M/L up again in EOTW?
Mr. K: Well, you know...
PA: Your honor, will you instruct the defendant to answer yes or no?
The judge looks perturbed at JK
Judge: Mr. K, please answer the question directly with a yes or a no.
JK: Well, (looks with defiance at courtroom) yes! Yes I did! So it was a lie! So sue me! I didn't want to lose those damned dreamer fans. I had to lie! They made me! They made me!
(Courtroom in general disarray. Judge is seen starting to raise gavel and put it squarely on JK's head, then seems to think better of it and begins to pound the gavel on the bench.)
Judge: Order! Order! Order in the courtroom!
(One audience member slowly raises hand.)
Judge: (acknowledging audience member) Yes?
Audience member: I hate to point this out but um, did that just happen because you wanted to say, "Order! Order in the court!"
Judge looks slightly sheepish but grins and says: Yes.
S2M: (stands up slightly and addresses audience) Well, it looked cool.
(General agreement in courtroom.)
Audience Member: (grinning) Oh sure, I just wanted to say I thought it looked cool, too.
Judge: (simpers slightly, adjusts robe, looks at audience) Do you want me to do it again?
General agreeable rumble of audience.
Judge: Order! Order in the court!
PA: That is so cool.
DA: That is very cool.
PA: You are always copying me.
DA: Am not.
PA: Are too.
DA: Am not.
PA: Are too.
Judge: Children! Children! Back to the problem at hand. (gestures at JK)
JK: Hey!
Both PA and Judge glare at JK, and he subsides into silence.
PA: Mr. K, did you promise fans in the December, 2000 chat that Max would find out about FM before the end of the season?
JK: Yes.
PA: Did Max find out about FM by the end of the season?
JK: Well, ... he was supposed to! We had to cut the scene! But it was there, I promise!
Snorts from the audience
JK: Really! We had to show that other scene ... you know, where Isabel and Max say goodbye to each other.
PA: But Mr. K... Didn't they leave together?
JK: Well, yes, but this was a key moment... I had to show it.
PA (in amazement) : You had to?!
JK: (nodding frantically) Yeah! I had to show that. I mean it was vital. (looks at PA, who regards him cynically) It was important. (his voice trails off as he looks appealing at the Judge, who shakes her head) It was . . . never mind.
PA: Well, let me ask you this, Mr. K. Max Evans has been described as sweet, loyal, faithful, loving, brave. Do you agree?
JK: Oh, yes!
PA: Mr. K? Did Max Evans kiss another girl while on a date with Liz?
JK: Uh... Yeah, but...
PA: Did Max Evans express fear that Liz' investigation of Alex' death would bring trouble down on him?
JK : Yes.
PA: Did Max Evans verbally attack Liz Parker in BIY because Liz asked Tess one question?
JK: Uh huh (sinking lower in his seat.)
PA : So, Mr. K. You took the hero of this show who had admirable qualities all agree upon, and by the end of s2 you had him have sex with someone he was embarrassed to be seen with, attacked his sister, attacked Liz Parker verbally, and manhandled her?
JK: Yeah, but you have to understand... Max Evans had to grow! He had to explore his alien side! It was his Destiny!
Hisses from the audience!
PA: Mr. K, could you please explain how boinking Tess was an exploration of his alien side?
JK sputters, PA decides to help out.
PA: Well, then, perhaps you can explain to this court why - if it was necessary for Max Evans to have sex with an alien to explore his alien side and fulfill his destiny --- Why did Michael Guerin and Isabel Evans NOT have to do the same?
JK: Well, the audience wouldn't have liked seeing Michael and Isabel together.. (sounding like he will get support on this one!)
PA (Astounded): Mr. K, did the audience enjoy seeing Max and Tess together?
JK: Well, ... er... no.
Audience grumbles angrily.
PA: Mr. K, did you create the character of Tess?
JK (proudly) : Why, yes!
PA: Tess AKA the GERBIL?
Turning to the Judge:
PA: Your honor, I have no further questions of this... gentleman
Judge: (to PA) Nice job!
PA: (smiles back) Thank you, honor. The Prosecution rests.
Judge: Madame Defense Attorney, do you have any questions of the witness.
DA: (looks up from cleaning out purse) Huh? Oh. Nope.
Judge: JK, you may step down. (mutters under breath) Though I'm not sure how much further you can go.
JK: (turning) What?
Judge: (smiling with innocence) Nothing. (turns to DA)
Judge: Madame Defense Attorney, you may begin the case for the Defense.
Long pause as DA realizes someone is speaking to her.
DA: Defense?
Judge: Madame Defense Attorney, surely there is someone you can call to defend this man? I mean, we want to be fair in Denial Land.
DA: Oh, yeah, sure.
DA and JK confer.
DA: The Defense calls Tess Harding
Furor breaks out in the room.
Judge bangs gavel and restores some order to the court.
Bailiff: Tess Harding to the Stand!
Tess Harding comes in...
Bailiff Bob steps up and faces Tess
Bailiff Bob: Place your left hand on a copy of The Pilot script and raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Buddha?
Tess (pauses): Well I don't believe in Buddha so I'm really not sure I can answer the question.
Judge: Ms. Harding that isn't an option. Do you swear to tell the truth?
Tess: Yeah, sure.
Judge: Madame Defense Attorney you make proceed
She takes the stand.
DA: You are Tess Harding?
TH: Um, yeah.
DA: Do you like JK?
TH: Um, yeah.
DA: Were you a big part of S2 Roswell?
TH: Oh, Yes! I helped save them all. I saved the show. I saved Max. I know so much more than the other hybrids.
Long pause while DA looks at witness and shakes head.
DA: Your honor, I am finished with this idi . . .er I mean witness.
DA, knowing this is the best she will get, sits down.
PA stands up: Ms Harding, you saved Roswell?
TH: Yes!
PA: You know so much more than the other hybrids?
TH: Oh, yeah!
PA: Then, Ms. Harding, perhaps you can tell us the name of the home planet.
JK: (under breath) oh crap.
TH looks confused, looks around, stares at JK sinking in his chair.
TH: What do I do now, Jason?
Courtroom erupts with laughter and jeers.
PA: I am finished with this witness, Your honor.
She turns to nod at the audience, sure they are on her side - which of course they are! They clap.
Judge: Well, Tras . . I mean Tess you may sit down.
(Tess goes to sit, occasionally looking appealing in JK's direction. Judge turns back to DA.)
Judge: Well? Any more witnesses?
The DA looks up from adjusting her makeup, puts makeup down, rises.
DA: Your Honor, let's face it. There is no defense for this SOB. The defense rests.
The audience claps and cheers loudly. Mr. K stands to protest.
Mr. K: Your Honor, this isn't fair! I didn't get my way... er say!
Judge: Mr. K. Sit down and just enjoy the journey! Aren't those your words?
Audience hoots, Mr. K sits down.
Judge: Well, then let's get to the closing arguments. Madame Prosecutor, you first.
PA: Your honor, members of the court, Dreamers everywhere. The defendant himself admitted his guilt on every charge. He himself admitted that M/L were NOT put back together by the third episode - indeed, not even by the 21st episode! He claimed he would never break M/L up, just give them obstacles, but admitted here to breaking them up not once, but over and over! He admitted that contrary to his promise that Max would find out about FM before the end of the season, Max still didn't know! And that it was cut so that some trivial nothingness could be added, while this important - No! Pivotal moment of the season was totally lost.
And did any of us need to hear Mr K affirm his destruction of the character of Max Evans? But we did hear it - right from his lips.
Then let us turn to the charges of idiocy in the creation of the character of Tess. Well, you heard her on the stand yourselves! (gestures to Tess) She is an idiot. (Tess nods agreeably. PA grins, looks at Judge, rolls eyes and continues.)
And finally - perjury by claiming that he is a Dreamer? What, ladies and gentleman, constitutes a dreamer? Well, if the simplest requirement is that the two are a couple, well, then we can see that is violated from the beginning of the season. And Mr. K broke them up not once, but 3 or 4 times! He wanted to KILL that dream - the dream that they were special, that they belonged together! He had Max choose Tess over Liz while on a date with Liz, he had Max attack Liz in defense of Tess (who hardly needed defending), and your honor, he had Max have sex with Tess while professing that M/L are soulmates?
Tess interjects, "Ugh. Soulmates? JK! Make them stop."
JK: Shut up, Tess.
PA: (looks scorchingly at Tess, who subsides) So, in conclusion, I think all of us - with any common sense at all - can see that JK is NOT a dreamer. He is the Dreamer's nightmare.
Audience applauds the PA's summation.
Judge: Madame Defense Attorney, you next.
DA stands, looks at JK and turns to the audience.
DA: Madame Judge, members of the dreamer community, you heard the defendant the same as I did. He's full of @#%$ so don't acquit!"
Audience reacts.
Judge: Madame Prosecutor, you get the final word.
PA: His fibs have stung so he should be hung!
Judge sits for a moment, thinking, shuffling papers.
Judge: To determine the guilt/innocence of the client is now in the hands of your peers, Mr. K.
Judge: turning to the audience:
As to Charge 1: Breach of promise with the Dreamers by claiming a M/L reunion would begin by the third episode
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
As to Charge 2: Perjury and reckless endangerment of fans' feelings by claiming to be a Dreamer
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
As to Charge 3: Perjury by claiming that he would never break up M/L, just give them obstacles
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
As to Charge 4: Perjury by claiming that Max would find out about FM before the season's end
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
As to Charge 5: Criminal assault and attempted murder with the butchering the character of Max Evans
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
As to Charge 6: Complete idiocy by creating the character of Tess. A capitol offense.
How do you find?
Audience: Guilty!
Audience erupts in applause, etc.
Here, Judge will rap gavel and call room back to order.
Judge: Mr. K, you have been found guilty - unanimously - of all charges! Now as to your sentence... do we have some victims who would like to make statements about how they have been harmed by this person's criminal actions?
S2M: Your honor, I would like to give such a statement.
Judge: You may do so from where you are standing.
S2M: Your honor, esteemed members of the court. I would like to speak for the millions of fans who could not be here with us today. I do the weekly synopsis, and over the year, I spoke to thousands of people. I actually started doing the synopsis because people were so excited to know what would happen on the show that week, they didn't even want to wait just 60 hours more until they could see for themselves. But that changed from excitement at the beginning - to disbelief after EOTW - to absolute horror after Departure. Over that time, my audience started waiting not in excitement but in dread! Not to see how good the show was but to see how bad it was that week. Some used it to decide if it was too raunchy to show their children. Others used it decide if they would watch it at all, or simply tape it in the hopes that someday they could stand to see it. Many wrote me telling of heartbreak as real as if this had happened to them, rather than to M/L. Many wrote to tell me they couldn't stand anymore after a certain episode and would not be writing me anymore nor watching anymore. And some wrote me in such anger. An anger that only comes when something so wonderful is so thoughtlessly destroyed and the person doing the destroying refuses to listen.
I have no clue what will happen in the next year, but I DO know what happened in this one. And someone should pay for that. This court today decided Mr. K is that person. And he should be punished, your honor, for mis-using the trust all those fans put in him because he kept telling them he was the biggest fan and believed in him. He should pay for all their hours of sadness and tears. And he should pay for destroying their dream.
[We then proceed with victim statements from around the courtroom.]
Silky1111 stands and addresses the court, looking specifically at JK.
Mr. Katims,
I wish to congratulate you on the destruction of Roswell. I fail to understand why you went to such trouble in Season 1 to create a luminous and critically acclaimed relationship between Max Evans and Liz Parker only to turn around and systematically destroy it in Season 2. Max devolved from a true romantic hero into an abusive, violent weak character and Liz became the self-sacrificing martyr and whipping boy for the entire show. I have seen you attributed as the biggest dreamer around and if that's true, perhaps you could share your definition with me. Obviously our definitions diverge. What I witnessed in Season 2 was by and large a nightmare. Without an uncompromised relationship between Max and Liz Roswell has no heart.
In addition, the failure of you and your staff to fill the many huge gaping plotholes in the story is astounding. Roswell will be paired with Buffy, The Vampire Slayer in the fall and unless you begin to improve the continuity problems your show has the comparison will not be flattering. Just a few for your consideration:
1) The Granolith. An incredibly powerful iconic figure known to the people of 5 worlds capable of time travel or a one-time use rocket? You decide, but please make it consistent.
2) The End of the World. You torture your viewers with the destruction of Max and Liz's relationship only to render it worthless by revealing that Liz made this sacrifice in vain because Tess was a murderous betrayer all along.
3) The deal between Nasedo and Kivar. We're to believe that Nasedo was both in league with the Skins and killed by them? Why?
4) Nicholas and the Dupes. What role do they play in the story now?
5) Liz's powers. Given that Liz has been established as a character with a scientific bent we're to believe that she has made no efforts to discover the extent of the ways that she has been changed? Why?
6) The destruction of Max Evans. What you've done to this character is nothing less than assassination. With no apparent indication that Max was being mindwarped then we must conclude that he is solely responsible for the abusive behavior displayed towards Isabel and Liz and the totally aberrant behavior of unprotected sex with Tess. Max did not have sex with Liz when he loved her, but I'm supposed to understand that he would have unprotected sex with Tess? No thank you. An audience's willingness to follow the hero's journey only works when the audience doesn't despise the hero.
While speaking of the hero, continuing to script lines better suited between lovers than siblings when you were aware of viewer concerns regarding incestuous undercurrents between the characters of Max and Isabel absolutely defies reason.
Finally, your apparent decision to play the sex and baby as real is appalling. To see the prevailing theme of Season 3 be a quest for the spawn of a mating between a weak-willed teenage father and a murderous teenage mother disgusts me. The King Arthur story has been done before and done much better. You might want to rethink your journey. The final destination might not be exactly what you anticipated.
On a personal note, it is my understanding that your office condoned the deliberate leaking of untrue spoilers to pacify your Dreamer fanbase and keep them on board as active campaigners for the show. This shows a contempt for your audience that it unbelievable and comes across as malicious as well.
I have definitely learned valuable lessons from my Roswell viewing experience. 1) I will never again become emotionally invested in a television series. You used your viewers love for the characters of Max and Liz as a weapon against them repeatedly this season for reasons that I still fail to comprehend. 2) I will also never view another show that you create. You are unworthy of the trust of your viewers.
Another audience member stands and begins speaking.
San Luis Valley: Your honor,
The defendant, Jason Katims, has asked me, a long time fan of sci-fi and romance, to testify on behalf of his plea: Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity.
It is patently clear the defendant was working with diminished capacity as the Executive Producer of Roswell, Season2. The series, a rare and beautiful example of what television can sometimes be in season1, became an unlovely example of what television too often is in Season2.
Season1 subtly wove a luminous romance, an intriguing mystery, and low key sci-fi into a compelling story that captured the hearts and minds of its fans. It was wrought on a small, but very precious canvas.
Season2 had very different ambitions. Proclaiming its new direction of increased sci-fi and less teenaged angst (of which very little actually existed until the new direction was introduced at the end of Season1), the result was sleazy soap opera cliches and poorly conceived sci-fi. The charm and continuity that made for compelling televison Season1 was sorely missing.
No one in his right mind would have so thoroughly destroyed the gem that was Season1. Mr. Katims is clearly working under severe perception deficits. In this vein, I would request that Your Honor consider placing Mr Katims in a facility for the criminally insane, without benefit of parole, for the remainder of his days. Further, I would request he be divested of all his pencils, crayons, and/or any other writing implements so that he may be prevented from ever again corrupting the written word.
Audience cheers wildly as SLV completes her statement on behalf of JK. Attention now turns to the Judge.
Judge: Mr. K, your crime is so heinous, that coming up with a fitting punishment is very difficult.
Audience members: Fry the bastard...Hanging is too good your honor!
Judge: After due consideration, Mr. K, it seems fitting that your punishment be the very things that you created.
Pause.
Judge: I hearby punish you to be incarcerated in the granilith for the next ten years, continually spinning like a poorly balanced washing machine. Inside, you will be forced to watch S2 Roswell episodes, over and over, until such time as you have served your sentence. That is not enough, however. Your cellmate will be Tess Harding.
[Here, the audience can hear Tess saying brightly that that's not so bad, while JK gasps no in a shocked voice.]
Judge: Bailiff Bob, if you will escort Ms. Harding and Mr. K from the courtroom, their sentence is to begin now! (Audience laughs) I hope you enjoy your journey, sir. I know none of us did!
JK: No! No! that is cruel and unusual punishment... no!...
Tess: [clinging to his arm crying over and over as the bailiff hauls them both away] "What do we do now, Jason? What do we do now, Jason? What do we do now, Jason?"
End.
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