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  03x03 - None Of The Above
 Posted: 10/31/99 17:42
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Episode 303 - None of the Above

[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Eve and Dawson are there watching videos, and making out on his bed.]

Dawson: This isn't... , Working out exactly the way I planned. Um... The whole point of us spending normal time together was to actually talk and get to know each other.

Eve: And then can we have sex?

Dawson: I'm not ruling it out, I'm just-- you know... First things first. Movie night we're supposed to watch movies.

Eve: I prefer TV.

Dawson: You've got to be kidding.

Eve: Actually, no.

Dawson: But...Movies are an art form. T, this is just the pab um they stick between beer commercials.

Eve: Don't be such a snob, Dawson. I mean, a TV show is just like a movie... Except shorter... With built-in bathroom breaks, and you get a new sequel every week.

Dawson: Sequels I hate on principle.

Eve: Then suit yourself. I'm hooked.

Dawson: Oh... All right, you know what? Take Felicity, for example. Aw, come on, if you've seen one hour of whiny, over analytical teen angst, you've seen them all. Don't get me wrong. She's pretty, but what kind of a heroine is she? Well, she's-- she's indecisive. She's basically...Paralyzed by some romantic notion of the way things are supposed to be. If you ask me, she kind of chatty.

Eve: She's you.

Dawson: Excuse me?

Eve: She's you, Dawson. Except she's in college and a girl and...

Dawson: A fictional character on a television show.

Eve: Exactly. Think about it. You're straight out of central casting. Perfect hair, perfect skin-- our hero.

Dawson: Well, obviously you weren't watching last season. It was far from perfect. You know, which is, in general, my complaint about television. It's not reality, it's perfection. I mean, nobody ever blows it or gets tested in any real way or ever makes the wrong choice or bad choice or...

[She kisses him then grabs the remote.]

[Television turns off]

Eve: Don't you know that's where I come in? You know, second season, shake things up. Screw the status quo.

Dawson: Ah, a temptress... Who will test our hero's very moral fiber.

Eve: Will he survive unscathed? Stay tuned.

Dawson: You know what else I hate about television? They always cut to commercial at the best part.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey's Bed room. She is asleep in bed, and her alarm clock is going off.]

[Ringing]

[ringing stops]

[Joey Gets up throws on her shoes, and runs to class. We come to the door, and there is a sign on it saying PSAT testing in Process. She sees Dawson in the room taking the test. And begins banging on the glass.]

Joey: Dawson. Dawson! Dawson!

[She starts banging on the glass more.]

Joey: Dawson! Dawson!

[Alarm ringing]

Radio: Good morning. It's 6:45, and it's 65 degrees...

[Joey wakes from her dream up and turns off the alarm.]

[Scene: Andie's House. She is doing exercises in front of the TV.]

TV: Another glorious day on the cape. Coming up next, as millions of teens around the country cram for this weekend's exam, we'll talk with John Katzman, author of the best-selling Cracking the PSAT.

[Andie grabs a book next to her.]

Andie: One step ahead of you, baby.

TV: For your college bound teenager in this most competitive year ever.

Andie: Competitive, ha! Try this on for size. Dogmatic. Synonyms: Single-minded, stubborn, obdurate, adamant. Antonyms would be...

[Scene: The sidewalk outside School. Jack and Jen walking to school, and quizzing one another.]

Jen: Wishy-washy, ambivalent, um...Equivical. What, you thought that dawson was the only one with such a prolific vocabulary?

Jack: No, I just didn't think we really had to study. With our new found extracurricular activities.

Jen: Easy, tiger. You haven't won that football scholarship yet. Ok, your turn. Pick a card, any card. [he picks a card] Ok, nonchalant.

Jack: Ok. The synonyms would be... Carefree, languid...

[Scene: Inside the School, library. A study session is going on.]

Student: Oblivious.

Principal Green: Ok, good. Now antonyms. Mr. Leery.

Dawson: Alert, attentive, concerned. That is, provided you believe that the PSAT is a true measure of intelligence and not a culturally- biased weapon against the poor and disenfranchised.

Principal Green: That's a good point, Dawson. Standardized testing isn't perfect. In fact

some might say that it's designed to trip you up... Mess with

your mind, generally convince you that you're not as smart as

you think you are. But if you want to go to college, it's the only

game in town.

[Bell rings]

Principal Green: All right, hang on, hang on. Now, look, don't forget. Tomorrow: Sample math section. Ok, I need you to bring a number 2 pencil and your brains, both of them sharpened. Thank you very much.

[The students start to leave.]

Principal Green: Uh, Joey, would you hang on for a moment, please?

[Scene: School Hallway. Andie is walking down the halls looking at her notes.]

Andie: Belligerence... Uh...Cryp—

[She turns the corner and runs into Pacey.]

Pacey: Oh!

Andie: God is not orless.

Pacey: Ow! Damn.

Andie: [Sighs] don't worry, Pacey. This isn't going to be one of those horribly awkward hope-boy-didn't-mean- all-those-hurtful-things- he-said-during-the-breakup moment.

Pacey: Well, that's a relief, 'cause I sure don't want to play the guy-feels-guilty- about-breakup-even-though- it-was-girl-who-had-an-affair- with-the-mental-patient scene.

Andie: Fair enough.

Pacey: Not that it's any my business anymore, Andie, but have you ever heard of over preparing for a test?

Andie: What, as opposed to not preparing at all?

Pacey: As opposed to making yourself crazy over something with the word "practice" in front of it.

Andie: If you want to throw away everything we've-- I mean, you've worked for... That's fine by me.

Pacey: Here. Me, on the other hand, I am not gonna let our little bump in the road throw me off my chosen course. See you around.

[Scene: School Library. Principal Green is talking to Joey alone.]

Principal Green: You keep your wits about you, Joey, and you got a legitimate shot at a national merit scholarship.

Joey: Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me... And telling me and telling me.

Principal Green: Too much pressure on you, huh?

Joey: [Sighs] I couldn't sleep again last night.

Principal Green: Hmm. Trust me, I know. I've been there.

Joey: I just keep thinking that if I don't ace this exam, I'm going to end up making beds and cleaning toilets at the dead end motel for the rest of my life.

Principal Green: Listen, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the night off... Just to relax. I don't know. Hang out with a friend. Rent a Movie. You're going to do just fine. You're going to do better than fine... And the faculty and I have all the confidence in the world in you.

[Scene: School Hallway. Dawson is at his locker and Joey comes up to him.]

Joey: Dawson.

Dawson: Joey, hi.

Joey: Um, since we've agreed to peace with honor, would it be against the rules of engagement to ask for your help?

Dawson: Of course not.

Joey: Good. 'Cause I could use some.

Dawson: What do you need?

Joey: I don't know. A night of mindless entertainment. Um, Jurassic Park or maybe one of those meteorite-asteroid- atomic-bomb movies where Bruce Willis or George Clooney or someone with a receding hairline somehow manages to save the entire planet without breaking a sweat. I just need something to take my mind off the test.

Dawson: Yeah, you've got a lot riding on it, I know.

Joey: Uh, just my entire future.

Dawson: You tell me when and where.

Joey: How about tonight?

Dawson: Tonight? Um...

[Eve comes up from down the hall.]

Eve: Hey, sports fans.

Joey: How's 9:00?

Dawson: Uh... Um, actually, tonight, she and I were thinking that, um... Hey, why--why don't you come with us?

Joey: Yeah. I might, um... On another planet, in a different universe. No offense. Ha.

Eve: What was that about?

[Scene: Football field. Mitch is working the team through some exercises.]

Mitch: I'd appreciate some contact, people! Come off the ground hard and pop, pop! Put some hurt on! Execute! You're up, McPhee.

Henry: All right, Jack, you can do this. Now, just remember, when you're hit, button up, become fetal. Hug that ball.

Jack: Hug that ball! Hug that ball. Hug that ball.

teammate: Take it to him.

[Whistle blows]

[Jack runs and gets tackled.]

Mitch: How to hit, baby! How to hit! Get up, McPhee. You're defacing the

landscape. Again.

Jack: Come on, coach. Can't you see what's goin' on here? They're singling me

out.

Mitch: Yeah, but not for the reasons you think.

Jack: Give me a break. It's obvious.

Mitch: Look, jack, gay or straight, you are still the new kid on the block, and

you are not protecting the football the way that you should. Now do it

again. Mcphee! 3-point stance!

[Whistle blows]

[He run's through several tackles before finally going down again.]

Henry: Can you hear me, Jack? Jack, you know where you are? How many fingers?

Jack: I think I'm gonna hurl.

[Scene: The Marina, where Joey works. Rob is telling her a story.]

Rob: I mean, this guy's not exactly what you would call a ladies' man. Heh. But I tell him, it is easy. There's only one rule, plain and simple: Give the ladies what they want.

Joey: How about giving me what I want, rob?

Rob: I thought you'd never ask.

Joey: Friday night off so I can study for the Psats. They're Saturday.

Rob: Yeah, sure. Why not? No sweat. I remember what it was like. Of course, I didn't take the PSATs.

Joey: What, daddy built the university?

Rob: No, no. Just endowed it. Actually, I hired a ringer. Seriously. Paid some brainiac a couple thousand dollars to take it for me. Won me a scholarship, too.

Joey: Well, since I don't have that kind of cash... Thank you. I owe you one.

Rob: Well, uh, here's a thought. You let me take you out for a post-PSAT celebration. Saturday night. You and me.

Joey: Uh, thanks, but, um... Husband doesn't really like me seeing other people.

Rob: Oh, sure. Thought you were gonna say you had to wash your hair.

Joey: No, that's Wednesdays. Actually, Rob, the truth is... I'm a lesbian.

Rob: Oh... Anyone I know? So, is it a date? Saturday night. What do ya say?

Joey: Would it be all right if I just said no?

Rob: Yeah. Sure thing, Potter. No problem.

[Scene: Outside the window to Dawson's Room. Eve pops her head in the window.]

Dawson: I was starting to worry about you.

Eve: I was searching for the perfect apple. Go ahead take a bite. See if it tastes as good as it looks.

Dawson: And if I do?

Eve: You will forever know the difference between good and evil. Get out here, Dawson. It's a beautiful night.

[He climbs out the window to sit on the roof next to her.]

Dawson: [Sighs] Well, I haven't been out here since... Since Joey and I were—

Eve: Joey? You mean the ubiquitous brunette? The one who hasn't yet learned the power and sway she holds over the hearts of men?

Dawson: She lives down the creek. She would sleep over all the time. Before we developed secondary sexual characteristics.

Eve: I had a boy-next-door.

Dawson: You did?

Eve: Doesn't everybody?

Dawson: What was his name?

Eve: Monroe. We literally lived in adjoining houses on the base

Dawson: You were a military brat?

Eve: U.S. Army, born and bred. Matter of fact, we could see into each other's bedrooms.

Dawson: Really? That must have been... Convenient.

Eve: No kidding. Only problem is... He was my dad's commanding officer. I brought you something else.

[She hands him an envelope.]

Dawson: What is this?

Eve: Call it a study aid.

Dawson: That is not...

Eve: Oh, It is. An advance copy of saturday's PSAT.

Dawson: Why are you showing this to me?

Eve: Well... I was planning on giving it to you.

Dawson: There's no way I could do that.

Eve: Oh, don't be so foolish, Dawson. I mean, if it goes against your moral code, fine, but... Surely there must be somebody you know who could use it. The apple was a metaphor. This is the real thing.

[Scene: Inside the School Library. Dawson has gotten everyone together around a table in the back.]

Pacey: An envelope? This is why you covertly hushed us into a corner?

Joey: Pacey, read the fine print. It says E.T.S., As in educational testing service.

Jen: Dawson, this is not what I think it is.

Dawson: Think again.

Andie: Oh, god.

Jack: How'd you get this?

Dawson: Does it matter?

Andie: Of course it matters. When we're all incriminated and sent to federal prison, I'd like to know just who I'm taking the rap for.

Dawson: Someone gave it to me.

Joey: A certain someone with blond locks and a name that rhymes with Steve?

Pacey: Oh, she's good. I like that girl. She's good.

Joey: Once again, Dawson Leery proves the groin is mightier than the brain.

Andie: Well, I mean, have you looked inside? It could be a joke. Anybody can just whip up a label.

Pacey: Well, there's only one way to find out.

Andie: Oh, go ahead, Pacey. Way to complete your return to the halls of academic loserdom.

Pacey: Maybe you'd like to open it up, Andie. I mean, after all, cheating seems to be an activity that you're real comfortable with these days.

Jack: Look, nobody's opening anything. Dawson, just bring it back to where you got it, and none of us ever saw it.

Jen: Gee, not to sound like the only typical high-school student here, apparently, as the only typical high-school student, what's the arm in peeking?

Pacey: Peeking? I can have us a detailed crib sheet in half an hour.

Dawson: Guys, look, admittedly, my first reaction was to dump it. But...You heard Principal Green. I mean, these things are a game. And as wrong as cheating sounds, I thought I would bring it up to you guys for discussion.

Joey: Ok, morals to Dawson. Come in, Dawson. This is wrong. Besides, it's the PSAT. No one's even required to take it, let alone do well.

Dawson: Unless you want to qualify for a national merit scholarship.

[slides the envelope over to Joey.]

Jen: Or if you've been too busy gettin' the crap beaten out of you to study.

[Slides the envelope over to Jack.]

Jack: Or…[Clears throat] If you really want to go to Harvard.

[Slides the envelope over to Andie.]

Andie: Or if a failed relationship has put you through the emotional ringer, and you just don't care these days.

[Slides the envelope over to Pacey.]

Pacey: Or if you've just been too darn busy gettin' busy.

[Slides the envelope back to Andie.]

Dawson: The point is, we could all use it for something.

[Principal Green enters the room. Dawson turns the envelope over.]

Principal Green: All right, people, let's take our seats. One sample math section coming your way.

[Fire alarm rings]

Principal Green: On second thought, all right, you all know the drill. Leave everything exactly where it is and file out in an orderly fashion.

Principal Green: Mr. Leery... Now, please.

Dawson: Ok.

[They go out for the drill and return after a period of time. Dawson is looking all around an empty table.]

Joey: Dawson...

Dawson: It's gone.

Jack: What's gone?

Dawson: It.

Joey: Very funny.

Dawson: I already checked.

Jack: You just left it here?

Dawson: I had no choice. Green was hovering.

Jen: Ok, I took it. [ Eveyone looks at her.]Ah, ha ha! Joking. Good god.

Dawson: That's not funny. Pacey, please tell me that you circled around and saved all our lives.

Pacey: Excuse me?

Dawson: It's missing.

Pacey: What?

Dawson: It.

Pacey: Uh-uh.

Dawson: Uh-uh, is it missing, or uh-uh, you don't have it?

Pacey: Uh, both...Or neither. I really don't even know what you guys are talking about.

Andie: Pacey, will you quit screwing around?

Pacey: Oh, I'm not screwing around, Andie. I'm just as upset as you are. Dismayed... even broken hearted.

Principal Green: The McLaughlin group, right here at Capeside. Oh, I love the early-morning debate. What's today's topic? Hey, wait a minute. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Why is the PSAT not an oral exam? Well, unfortunately, boys and girls, you're on your own on this one. So, let's do me a favor and get back to it independently, ok? Let's go. Come on.

[Scene: at the Marina. Joey is filling up a gas tank on a boat, but not paying attention, when it overflows.]

Rob: Joey, what the hell?! What do you think you're doin'?

Joey: It was a mistake. Calm down.

Rob: [to boat owner] Look, I'm-- I'm sorry about that. She's new here. Your gas is on the house.

Joey: You didn't have to do that. I filled the tank. So I spilled a little. It's not exactly the Exxon Valdez.

Rob: That 38 bucks is comin' out of your paycheck, Potter. And consider your precious night off canceled.

Joey: What?

Rob: You heard me. You're workin' tomorrow night.

Joey: Ha Oh, so, that's how it's going to be?

Rob: That's how what's gonna be?

Joey: Oh, this is not about me messing up on the job. This is about your bruised little ego. Not used to female rejection, are you, Rob?

Rob: I have no idea what you're talkin' about, Potter.

[Scene: Inside Gram's house. Jen is wrapping a bandage around Jack's ribs.]

Jack: Ow! Damn, Jen.

Jen: Jesus, just try not to make any sharp movements, all right?

Jack: It tends to happen when there's a surging pain striking my chest cavity.

Jen: I thought that you guys wore pads out there.

Jack: Yeah, well, I must be wearing the placebo pads.

Jen: Well, at least you can maintain your sense of humor through all this.

Jack: Until it gets beaten out of me, too.

Jen: Here.

Jack: Sorry. Tomorrow I'm turnin' in my helmet.

Jen: Jack, you can't.

Jack: Yeah? Watch me.

Jen: All right, my friend, you want to be a quitter? Go right ahead. Be a quitter.

Jack: Ok, Ward, uh, I'm not Beaver Cleaver, and we're not in black and white here. And no half-ass layman's use of reverse psychology is gonna stop me from preventing my corpse from being carried off that field.

Jen: All right, all right, mock the sentiment, but you can't deny the truth. When you quit something, you're telling yourself that you're not good enough.

Jack: Ok. So what you're saying is that, uh, what I learn out there on the gridiron about sacrifice and pain will be of infinite value later on in life

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Jack: And that if I quit right now, I'll most surely quit in the more important contest of the future?

Jen: Exactly.

Jack: Yeah, well, I'm quitting.

Jen: Ok, smart ass, how about this for a reason? You caught the ball. Now, call me corny, or superstitious, but fate tossed you that ball, Jack. Who knows why, but it did. Maybe you're meant to be a well-known gay athlete who inspires others to come to terms with who they are. Maybe you're meant to help this school actually win a few games and develop a sense of morale... Or maybe this is just the first step towards meeting someone else in a similar situation. You don't know the reason, but until you do, hang on to that ball.

Jack: Oh, that was cheesier than your first response.

Jen: Mmm.

Jack: Ow! Come on.

Jen: Never talk back to somebody who co ld cut off your air supply.

[Scene: School Library after dark. Dawson is looking all around the table they were at.]

Eve: Hey-- you're wasting your time, Dawson.

Dawson: It's gotta be here somewhere.

Eve: How do you figure?

Dawson: Eve...Could you at least pretend to help me save my ass?

Eve: Well...It is a cute ass, but...

Dawson: But what?

Eve: But we don't have a chance in hell of finding what you're looking for.

Dawson: How do you know thaw, Eve? The test was on the table one minute. The next minute, it's gone. Obviously, it has to have gone some--

Eve: Quick, Dawson, someone's coming. Kill the light.

Dawson: [Whispering] Question, What would look better on my high-school transcripts... a--cheating, b--possession of stolen materials, c--breaking and entering, or d--all of the above?

Eve: You're right, Dawson.

Dawson: About what?

Eve: Let's get out of here. Besides, if you really want that exam back, it shouldn't be too difficult.

Dawson: What do you men?

Eve: It didn't disappear, Dawson. Somebody took it.

Dawson: How do you know that?

Eve: Call it female intuition.

Dawson: God, if you're right, it could've been anybody. There were dozens of kids in that room when the alarm went off.

Eve: Process of elimination. Of those kids, how many knew what was in the en elope?

Dawson: 5. 6, including me.

Eve: Who would steal something they didn't know the value of? See my point? Face it, Dawson. In the privacy of their own room, one of your friends is right now slipping a finger between the pages and breaking the seal.

[Scene: Principal Green's Office. All 6 of them are there in the office with him.]

Principal Green: One month into my tenure here as principal at Capeside High, and I got a national cheating scandal on my hands! Look, it makes no difference whether one of you takes the fall for this, or you all go down together in some sort of grand gesture of teenage loyalty. But somebody better fess up and better fess up soon! Otherwise, you are all expelled!

Dawson: Joey?

[Alarms off]

[alarm clock ringing]

[ringing stops]

Joey: So, what kind of black-market booty do you have for us today, Dawson? Just happened to find out what Microsoft will be trading at tomorrow?

Dawson: Look, I called you guys here because I wanted to give you all-- to give us all-- a chance to rectify this situation.

Jack: How?

Dawson: Whoever stole the test give it back.

Jen: Well, wasn't it already stolen, Dawson?

Pacey: I love the way that this girl thinks.

Dawson: Look, the point is, it's missing. Yesterday it wasn't.

Joey: So what's the harm in just letting it be lost, Dawson?

Jack: I agree. Whoever needed it was no more desperate than the rest of us, only quicker.

Andie: Doesn't it bother anyone what this says about our group's level of integrity?

Pacey: Well, I think I speak for our group when I respond with a hearty "no!"

Jen: I'm starting to feel like some sort of psychologically abused lab rat.

Joey: You're not the lab rat, Jen. Dawson is.

Dawson: Watch it, Joey.

Joey: Throwing parties, crashing boats, upstaging marching bands? Dawson, if your rope was any more yanked, you'd be a church bell.

Dawson: Joey, Eve has nothing to do with this.

Joey: Oh, no. It's typical Dawson Leery behavior to offer your friends contraband.

Dawson: She didn't tell me to do anything with that test.

Joey: You are so blinded by her cover-girl looks, that you wouldn't even notice if she did. I bet when she offered you that test, you didn't fire one ethical comment her way, did you? It's just your friends who have to sit here and-- and suffer through the dawson leery morality play. Bleached blonde ho-bags willing to put out need not audition.

Dawson: Are you finished?

Joey: I could go on.

Dawson: Look, I'm sorry I brought you all into this, but one of us has taken this charade to another level. Here's the deal: I'm gonna leave my locker unlocked. Whoever has the test will put it inside by 5:30 today.

Pacey: Oh, come on, Dawson. The petty thief among us already left the crime scene. They're not gonna return that thing now. What's the incentive?

Dawson: To do the right thing.

[After the group has broken up. Andie goes over to Pacey.]

Andie: You got a second? It's important, Pacey.

Pacey: Sure. You know, Andie, I'm really not in the mood for some sordid heart-to-heart today, so if we can just kind of cut this thing short...

Andie: Ok. Consider this final negotiations.

[She hands him a box.]

Pacey: What's this?

Andie: Look for yourself.

Pacey: Well, it's some t-shirts, my panthers cap... And... Dumbo, which is the first thing that I ever gave to you.

Andie: Everything you've ever given me is in this box. All pictures, CDs, jewelry--it's all there.

Pacey: You don't think maybe this is a little harsh?

Andie: Pacey, this isn't going to be one of those long-drawn-out breakups. You're not dealing with the basket case you met last year. I have my life in order, and I intend on doing everything I can to keep it that way. I have a plan.

Pacey: Right. Harvard, Harvard. Uber alles.

Andie: I wanted you to be a part of it, and if you can't, then you get nothing.

Pacey: Not even memories?

Andie: Especially not those.

Pacey: Fine. Look, if those are the terms, where do I sign?

Andie: You just did.

[Scene: Football Field. Henry is working With Jack.]

Henry: Hyah! All right, Jacky boy! Move 'em out! How to go! We hit! We hit! Jacky boy! Work! Work! Work! You know what you need?

Jack: What?

Henry: A mantra. A private word or sound. Everyone's got one.

Jack: Really? What for?

Henry: Something to focus on, to take your mind off the fact that you're about to be annihilated by a 250-pound lineman snorting fire at you from the other side of the ball.

Jack: Oh, that's great.

Henry: Seriously, Jack. Anything to stop from thinking. In this sport, thought equals death.

Jack: Let me ask you something. Why are you doing this?

Henry: What do you mean?

Jack: Helping me. I don't know-- I don't ..

Henry: That's easy. 2 reasons. First, I want to win football games, and without your magic hands, we don't stand a chance. And 2 is... Well... --you're gay, right? I mean, it's not supposed to be, like, a secret or anything?

Jack: No.

Henry: Whew!

Jack: Why the sudden interest in my sexual orientation?

Jack: Uh, well... There's this-- this girl that you know. More like an angel, really, or a goddess.

Jack: Who? I dream about her, Jack, every night, heavy dreams, about her lips, her breasts, her legs... If she would just allow me near her to smell her sweet smell, maybe even kiss me or take me in her arms-- deliver me from suffering falsehood! It would prove that there wasn't anything bad or--or empty-hearted in this world that couldn't be corrected.

Jack: Just slow down. Get a grip on yourself.

Henry: See how I am? You gotta help me, Jack. I'm begging you.

Jack: You're not--you're not talking about who I think you're--

Henry: A certain Head Cheerleader.

Jack: Jen Lindley?

Henry: What?

Jack: Word to the wise. This is no reflection on you, Henry, at all. But, um, you're a freshman. Ok? You have about as much chance with Jen Lindley as I have making it through that chute tomorrow.

[Scene: The marina. Joey is working, when Pacey comes up, ringing a bell, and he is not all together there.]

[Bell rings]

Joey: I'll be there in a minute.

[Clangs louder]

Joey: No loitering, Pacey.

[Clang]

Pacey: Listen. I am a legitimate customer, and I demand some service missy.

Joey: Have you been drinking?

Pacey: Only liquor, I promise.

Joey: What's wrong?

Pacey: Ah, it's nothing a little bonfire won't fix. You see, our friend Andie... decided that she needed to cleanse me from her life to maintain her sanity. The casualties were the contents of this box. Behold… [He falls over] unh! Oh, hello, Mr. Dock.

Joey: Pacey...

Pacey: Hey, Joe...

Joey: Yeah?

Pacey: Do me a favor. I probably shouldn't go home like this. You think you could call my dad and tell him I'm hanging here?

Joey: Yeah.

Pacey: That's my girl.

[Scene: School Hallway. Dawson and Eve are walking down the hallway to his locker.]

Eve: You' e like a saint bernard, Dawson, loyal and faithful to the last.

Dawson: In about 30 seconds, I'm gonna open that locker and prove you wrong.

Eve: How can you be so certain?

Dawson: 'Cause I believe in happy endings, Eve. You always have. Happy endings.

Eve: There's a contradiction in terms if I ever heard one.

Dawson: You're enjoying this.

Eve: Not really. It's just that my taste in fairy tales usually runs more towards... The Brothers Grimm.

Dawson: How can you be so relentlessly cynical?

Eve: How can you be so profoundly naive?

[He opens the locker and there is no envelope.]

Eve: All is not lost, prince.

Dawson: You know what, eve, just... Leave me the hell alone, ok?

Eve: Are you sure? Bet I can help you get the test back.

Dawson: How?

Eve: By telling you who took it.

Dawson: I'm listening.

Eve: Tell me who you think it is.

Dawson: I don't know.

Eve: Yes, you do. Whoever you were just thinking of, that's the thief.

Dawson: [Scoffs] It's that simple?

Eve: It is. Simple and obvious.

Dawson: I don't buy it. If there's one thing that I've learned from those stupid PSAT prep books, it's that the most obvious choice is usually the wrong one.

Eve: We're not talking about standardized tests here, Dawson. Take a look at your yearbook. It a crystal ball. The ones most likely to succeed usually succeed. And the one most likely to wind up in a chain gang... Usually has some rock-breaking in his future. Welcome to the real world, Dawson, where the first person to stab you in the back is your best friend.

[Scene: At the Marina, later in the evening. Pacey is sitting outside when Dawson comes up to him.]

Pacey: Well, if it isn't inspector get-a-Clouseau. What brings you to these parts at this late hour?

Dawson: You're drunk.

Pacey: You're quick.

Dawson: It's the night before the PSAT, Pacey. Why are you drinking?

Pacey: I don't need to study. I mean, I got the test, right?

Dawson: If you have it, give it back.

Pacey: Oh, I wish I did, hombre. I mean, I really wish I did. But I don't. I don't. It's not here. It's not at home under my bed with my playboys. It is nowhere to be found.

Dawson: Pacey, we've been friends for 16 years, and I'm not stupid.

Pacey: Friends, huh? Friends, you know, that word "friends"... it's an interesting word. It implies that you would actually believe your friend when he's telling you something.

Dawson: When they tell me the truth.

Pacey: When he's tell-- ha ha! You want to know what I find so very amusing about this situation? I mean, what i think is so really, really rich about all this is that you yourself were capable of stealing this test. All right, you thought about it. You didn't throw that test away. You didn't give it back to Eve. You brought the test to us!

Dawson: No. I wanted to consult the people I trusted to determine what the best thing was to do. I never thought that anyone would be so weak or so self motivated to actually swipe it.

Pacey: Weak and self-motivated, huh? Now, which one of those 2 colorful adjectives would I be?

Dawson: You are who you are, Pacey.

Pacey: Yes, I am, Dawson. And so are you. You, Dawson Leery, are a self-righteous son of a bitch who cares more about his rose-colored defunct 1950s belief system than the people who fail to live up to it, huh?

Dawson: Interesting choice of words, coming from a smug, cold-hearted son of a bitch who just dumped his girlfriend after she begged him-- pleaded for an ounce sympathy!

Pacey: At least I didn't send her father to prison.

Dawson: No. You just made her go crazy.

[Pacey punches Dawson in the face. And Dawson immediately decks Pacey in one punch.]

Pacey: Ahh...

[Joey comes running out at the end of this.]

Joey: Pace--Dawson, what are you doing?

Pacey: It's my fault. I'm sorry.

Joey: Dawson, this has got to stop.

[Dawson leaves]

Joey: [To Pacey]Are you ok?

[Scene: Later at the marina. Pacey is nursing his mouth and Joey comes out carrying a can of pop.]

Joey: Hey... Brought you a pepsi.

Pacey: No, thanks. I'm not thirsty.

Joey: It's for your lip, moron, in lieu of ice.

Pacey: I can't believe he thought I took it.

Joey: So what, Pacey?

Pacey: I thought if I'd earned anyone's respect, it was Dawson's. I mean, if the guy who knows you better than anybody on earth thinks you're a loser, then maybe--

Joey: Then maybe you are one? Come on. I mean, I've thought you were a loser for years, but you've never believed me.

Pacey: It's just... You know, when does a person start believing the general consensus about themselves?

Joey: When it's right.

Pacey: Do me a favor.

Joey: What?

Pacey: Would you tell your friend Dawson that I'm innocent? I mean, he'll believe you.

Joey: My friend? Look, he's your friend, too. And you know as well as I do that he's somewhere right now sulking over the gravity of his wrongful accusation.

Pacey: Oh, good. Let him stew in his own pride for a while.

Joey: We're all guilty of that.

Pacey: Hey, I'd never accuse him of cheating.

Joey: Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure he would never take the first swing at you.

Pacey: He started that whole thing.

Joey: I'm not getting into this.

Pacey: Ok. So, tell me...

Joey: What?

Pacey: What do you think happened to that test?

Joey: I don't know. And to be honest, I... I don't want to know. You know, there are certain things in life you just... You're better off not knowing, certain things that you wish you never knew, never asked, and, um... Never saw.

Pacey: Ok, so tell me honestly... Does it look that bad?

Joey: On your face, any reconstructive surgery whatsoever is a definite improvement.

[laughs]

[Scene: Dawson's Back Yard. Dawson is there looking out over the creek, when Eve comes up.]

Eve: Did you get it back?

Pacey: Not exactly.

Eve: What happened?

Pacey: That's what I've been sitting here trying to figure out.

Eve: And?

Pacey: The only thing I can come up with is you, eve. You happened to me. You and that stupid test.

Eve: Which one of us gave y u the black eye?

Pacey: Look, Eve, I accept my blame in this, but don't even try to tell me that you didn't know what giving me that test would do.

Eve: Look, if crafting me as the villain in your little mystery is what it takes for you to sleep at night... Go right ahead. The fact is, we're all criminals, Dawson, in one way or another. It's just the stupid ones who get caught.

Dawson: Nice knowing you, eve.

Eve: Ha! Is that how it works? Someone offers you a view of human nature that's even remotely truthful, and you just walk away from them? It terrifies you, doesn't it? That wholesome Dawson Deery could be so overwhelmingly attracted to someone so flawed... so real. You know, the purpose of our spending time together was to get to know each other.

Dawson: You know what? Now that I know you... I don't really like you.

[Scene: Football field. The Cheerleaders are practicing, and the team is getting ready to practice.]

Cheerleaders: ...Chicken? How loose is your goose? So come on, all you minutemen, uh! And shake your caboose.

Jack: Parker, come on. Remove yr tongue from the turf. I need some words of encouragement.

Henry: Well... Sure thing. How's your ribs?

Jack: Well, I can still breathe, but then again, practice isn't over yet.

Mitch: All right, people! Put your helmets on! McPhee, you're first getting the chute.

Henry: You got your mantra?

Jack: Yeah.

Henry: What is it?

Jack: Fug.

Henry: Fug?

Jack: Well... F-U-G. It's the only word I got in my head right now. Fug. Fug. Fug!

Henry: Then go with it. All right.

Jack: Fug. Fug. Oh, fug.

[Whistles]

Jack: Fug!

[He tackles the chute and this time makes it through.]

Mitch: All right, man! Way to go! Way to go!

Jack: Thanks, coach.

Jen: Good job! Yeah, baby! Whoo! Way to go! Whoo! Unreal!

Jack: Fug... fug... Fug!

Henry: Fug! What the... Fug!

[Runs towards Jack and then right past her.]

Jen: What the hell was that?

[Scene: inside the School Library. Principal Green is handing out the PSAT.]

Principal Green: Today's PSAT test will be 2 1/2 hours long. As you know, there are 5 sections: 2 verbal, 2 mathematics, and one writing. There will be one 15-minute break. Are there any questions? All right. You people have 30 minutes to complete sections--

[Dawson stands up.]

Principal Green: Can I help you, Mr. Leery?

Pacey: What are you doing?

Dawson: It's a long story.

[He leaves the room.]

Principal Green: Ok. If there's no one else...

[Chair slides and Pacey stands up]

Pacey: I left the oven on.

[Scene: Outside the School. Dawson is out there and Pacey come right up to him.]

Dawson: What took you so long?

Pacey: Ah, it's those analogies, man. They're killer. Remind me why we just did that again?

Dawson: Because if we're gonna beat the crap out of each other, it should at least be over a chick.

[Scene: Inside the Library.]

Principal Green: You may begin.

[Everyone breaks into the packets and starts taking the test. Andie. Start filling in circles on her answer sheet, before she has even broken the seal. Then she breaks the seal, after a few questions.]


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