Episode 610 - Merry Mayhem

In this episode: Dawson and Gail invite everyone back to Capeside for Christmas, but things aren't very merry. Dawson confronts Natasha about her night with another man; Joey's happiness that Eddie accepts her invitation quickly turns sour when her father, on temporary parole, expresses his disapproval of their relationship; Pacey returns home with an expensive new car and fancy gifts to impress his family; Jen spends her time consoling Grams whose boyfriend dumped her; and Audrey gets loaded on a combination of liquor and pills and crashes in more ways than one.

Original Airdate: December 11, 2002

[Scene: A toy store window. The camera is panning across a miniature city they have set up in the window. The camera goes from building to building and finally pans out to see Joey looking in the widow at the display with Eddie.]

Joey: [Voice Over] Once upon a time in a galaxy not entirely unlike our own, there was a girl. There was nothing extraordinary about this girl. She was by her own estimation a relatively simple sort, yet she was cursed. For as long as she could remember, her romantic life had been something of a disaster. Boys either fell too hard, too fast, or not at all. She had long since given up on the notion of a functional relationship, which is why, in the winter of her 19th year, she was surprised to find herself in the company of a boy who made her feel as if the curse had been lifted... if only temporarily.

Joey: [Joey humming] Heh heh he so...chocolate or vanilla?

Eddie: Chocolate.

Joey: Cake or pie?

Eddie: Pie.

Joey: Coke or Pepsi?

Eddie: Coke.

Joey: Christmas or Halloween?

Eddie: Halloween.

Joey: That settles it. We have nothing in common.

Eddie: Well, the sex is good.

Joey: Please, I had better sex in elementary school.

Eddie: Ok. Are we done with this month's Cosmo compatibility test? Can we just get on with our lives?

Joey: M! Not so fast. I have one more question.

Eddie: Ok, shoot.

Joey: Christmas in Boston in your squalid little apartment or Christmas in Capeside with yours truly?

Eddie: Heh heh.

Joey: I just said that out loud, didn't I?

Eddie: Yeah, pretty much.

Joey: Wow. I just crossed a line into that world where girls pressure their boyfriends into doing stuff with them, and then-- I just referred to you as my boyfriend. I'm a mess. I apologize.

Eddie: Apology accepted.

Joey: You know... actually... Eddie, I take that back. I want you to meet my dysfunctional family. I want you to help me convince my retarded sister that we should buck tradition and throw out our stupid fake Christmas tree and get a real one for a change. Is--is that wrong?

Eddie: Ok. First of all, I have a dysfunctional family all my own, so I won't be celebrating with a TV dinner under a bare bulb, if that's what you're worried about. And second-- I don't know if it's such a good idea at this juncture.

Joey: What juncture is that?

Eddie: Well, the juncture of too much and too soon.

Joey: We're even, then.

Eddie: What does that mean?

Joey: [Giggles] It means that clearly I'm a typical girl and, based on what you just said, you're very much a typical guy.

Eddie: Hey, you know, meeting the family's a huge deal, especially this time of year. I mean, I'd probably have to put on some kind of a sweater. You know, like a holiday sweater. And I gotta tell you, I hate sweaters. I look stupid in sweaters.

Joey: I bet you look very nice in sweaters.

Eddie: All right, pencil me for president's weekend. I'll be there. I promise.

Joey: Fine. But don't think we're ever having sex again.

Eddie: Heh heh heh!

Joey: What?

Eddie: What a typical girl, using sex as a weapon.

Joey: Shut up.

Eddie: You're very pretty. Have I told you that?

Joey: Sucking up will get you nowhere.

[Opening Credits]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Joey is packing a bag, when Audrey comes into the room and surprises Joey who wasn't expecting her.]

Audrey: Allow me to count the ways in which I suck.

Joey: What happened?

Audrey: I missed my flight, which, to the best of my knowledge, only happens in the movies, but apparently not. Apparently, it can happen in real life, too, especially when you spend too much time in the airport bar letting creepy Willy Loman types buy you drinks.

Joey: Isn't it a little early to be knocking 'em back, Audrey? Even for you?

Audrey: Drinking doesn't count on days when you fly. You know, I always have to get sauced to fly the friendly skies, you know. It helps keep the voices down in my head that tell me I'm seconds away from plummeting to my death.

Joey: I don't know, Audrey. You better be careful. You might be spending the next semester in rehab.

Audrey: No, rehab, rehab is for quitters.

Joey: Ok, so what's the plan?

Audrey: Well, I couldn't get another flight out until tomorrow. Christmas on a plane. Whoo, mama.

Joey: So why don't you come home with me?

Audrey: No. Really, I can't. I'll be fine.

Joey: Audrey, I'm not letting you spend the majority of Christmas day drunk on an airplane with a motley assortment of sad travelers.

Audrey: To tell the truth, it sounds way better than intruding on someone else's holiday.

Joey: Look, you wouldn't be intruding on anyone's holiday. Trust me. Dawson's mom is inviting everyone to Christmas dinner, which...sounds like a recipe for disaster, but at least we'll all be together.

Audrey: I don't know, Joey. Ok, it seems like the only thing that I have accomplished this semester is alienating everyone. You know, and now, all of a sudden, I'm your friggin' Christmas charity case. And let's not forget the fact that I've already done the Capeside thing, and quite frankly, it was a stultifying bore.

Joey: Well, you're preaching to the choir on that one, but you're still coming with me.

Audrey: I don't know.

Joey: My father's gonna be there.

Audrey: Can I ask him about prison?

Joey: If you want.

Audrey: All right, you talked me into it.

Joey: It'll be fun, I promise.

Audrey: All right. Better be.

Joey: I'll be back.

[Joey goes into the bathroom, and Audrey grabs a bottle of alcohol out of her bag and takes a quick swig]

[Scene: Outside the Witter Household. Pacey comes pulling up to the house in a new BMW convertible. Doug is outside and sees her, and is surprised to see that it is Pacey driving.]

Doug: Pacey, is that you?

Pacey: Merry Christmas, Dougie.

Doug: Yeah, right back at ya. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could you tell me what you did with my little brother?

Pacey: I murdered that punk and stuffed his body into a dumpster behind the red lobster in Centerville.

Doug: Yeah, good to know. Well, you look, uh...

Pacey: Hip, handsome, hetero?

Doug: I was gonna slick, sleazy, and smarmy, but sure.

Pacey: Ok. Your sexuality, on the other hand, is just as dubious as ever. Good to see that some things never change, Doug.

Doug: What happened to the mustang?

Pacey: It made for a most excellent trade-in. [Opens the trunk and it is full of gift.] And, uh, you think you can give me a hand with all this stuff?

Doug: Jeez, Pacey! Don't tell me somebody actually had the poor sense to give you a credit card?

Pacey: Well, you seem to forget, man, I actually work for a living.

Doug: Oh, right. So you finally bailed on the cooking thing and got yourself a nice little crack cocaine franchise.

Pacey: If only it were that glamorous. No, I'm a working stiff much like yourself. Except for that when you go home at night and you have the nice warm satisfaction of knowing you've made the world a better place, I just have a big, fat stinking wad of cash. Ain't life grand?

Doug: Ha ha ha!

[Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson is decorating the tree, when Natasha leans over and plants a huge kiss on him.]

Dawson: What was that for?

Natasha: Must you question my every impulse, my every romantic whim? If you must know, it was simply a thank you.

Dawson: For what?

Natasha: Oh, for taking me deep in the heartland for an old-school American Christmas, for introducing me to your mother, who I must say is quite a trip, and for just being you. I's a lucky girl, Dawson.

Dawson: Did my mom ever stop grilling you?

Natasha: Not so much, no. I think she's curious about my intentions.

Dawson: What'd you tell her?

Natasha: Well, I said, aside from banging in the new year with her one and only son, I didn't much know or care.

Dawson: Nicely put.

Natasha: Mm-hmm.

Dawson: Heh! Do you think she's safe in there with Todd?

Natasha: Oh, I don't think anyone's safe from a drunk and horny Todd. I'll go pry them apart.

Dawson: Thank you.

[She goes into the kitchen and Gale comes out to join Dawson]

Gale: Ah, well, that Natasha is a trip.

Dawson: That's, uh, one way of putting it.

Gale: So, uh, what's the deal with you two?

Dawson: Whatever do you mean, mother?

Gale: Well, is it serious? Is she like your girlfriend, or is this some kind of casual sex thing?

Dawson: Ok, first of all, that's disgusting. That's--second, I have no idea. I don't know. I'm in a relationship, and I have no idea where it's headed or how to define it.

Gale: Hmm. And that's ok with you?

Dawson: I don't really have a choice in the matter. It's just...

Gale: What, the way they do things in California?

Dawson: Uh, yeah, apparently.

Gale: Hmph. Well, if someone had told me the day would come when my son would be bringing home his movie star girlfriend and some big-time director for Christmas, I would've laughed in their face.

Dawson: Yeah, me too, probably.

Gale: You know who'd get a kick out of this, don't you? Your father.

Dawson: Yeah. God, he'd have loved it.

Gale: Although I don't think he'd enjoy watching your boss hit on me.

[Todd and Natasha come into join them. Todd is carrying a tray of the eggnog he made.]

Todd: Now snag your eggnog.

Gale: I'll take those.

Todd: Me mum's favorite recipe. Here, get some of that down ya. [Dawson takes a swig, and sees that Todd has really spiked the eggnog] Bloody hell, Leery, didn't I teach you how to drink better than that?

Gale: Uh, well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on our dinner.

Natasha: Do you need any help, Mrs. Leery?

Gale: Uh, no, but you could keep me company, and you can tell me all about working with Max Winter. Is he like beautiful in person or...

[Gale and Natasha go into the kitchen]

Todd: Speaking of all things beautiful, your mom's quite a handsome woman Leery. Do you mind if I have a go at her?

Dawson: What?

[Scene: A montage of scenes. First is Dawson, Gale, Lilly, Todd and Natasha sitting in the living room by the fireplace. Next is Jen and Grams in Church sitting alone together. Followed by the Potter B&B. Joey, Bessie, Alexander, Mr. Potter, and Brodie are all sitting by the fireplace and setting up the Christmas tree and moving gifts around. Audrey is watching them, while she sits alone by the window. She looks outside into the darkness. ]

[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey is asleep in bed, when Alexander comes running into the room, and begins trying to shake Joey awake]

Alexander: Auntie Jo, Auntie Jo. It's Christmas.

Joey: Unh. Alexander. Honey, I know you're excited and all, but it's way too early to open gifts.

Alexander: Noooo.

[Continues to shake her]

Joey: Oh, be nice to auntie Joey. She's very tired. Her crazy friend Audrey kept her up all night.

[Mr. Potter comes into the doorway, and stands there looking at them, and then Alexander runs off into the other room.]

Mr. Potter: Joey.

Joey: I know. Coming. What does a girl have to do to get some sleep around here?

Mr. Potter: Well, merry Christmas, to you, too, sweetheart.

Joey: Oh, sorry, dad. Merry Christmas. Well, I guess we should get to it, then. Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old on Christmas morning.

Mr. Potter: Not so fast. There's someone waiting for you at the door.

Joey: Well, who is it?

Mr. Potter: I don't know. If I were you, I wouldn't keep him waiting much longer. He looks a little nervous.

[She gets up, and Mr. Potter leaves. She reaches over and grabs a sweater and heads to the front door, taking notice of the fake Christmas tree on the way. She opens the door to see Eddie standing outside next to his car. As she walks out onto the porch she sees that he has a real tree tied to the top of his car, and a huge smile crosses her face.]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The Potter B&B. Audrey is in the bathroom going through the medicine cabinet, then closes it, and looks at herself in the mirror and takes another swig from her now almost empty bottle of alcohol. She then heads out into the front room where she finds Mr. Potter. We can tell in the way that she is talking that she is already drunk.]

Audrey: [Sighs] Nobody likes you. You are a loser. And don't forget it.

[She heads out into the front room.]

Audrey: Hey! Where's Tony and Maria?

Mr. Potter: Out on the porch.

Audrey: Ohh. Ditched for the boyfriend yet again.

Mr. Potter: What do we know about this guy, Audrey?

Audrey: Hmm. Chip on his shoulder, blue on his collar. I don't know. Joey seems to like him.

Mr. Potter: Is it serious?

Audrey: Oh, well, like a heart attack, because you see, Eddie seems to be able to incorporate all the best elements of Pacey and Dawson, so it's like the t-1000 of love interests.

Mr. Potter: Interesting.

Audrey: Quid pro quo, Mr. Potter. What can you tell me about prison?

[Scene: Outside on the porch. Joey and Eddie are outside and Joey is wrapped up in Eddie's Arms, as they look at the sites talking together.]

Joey: I was right, you know.

Eddie: About what?

Joey: You do look very nice in a sweater.

Eddie: Yeah, well, I still hate 'em.

Joey: So what made you change your mind?

Eddie: I missed you.

Joey: I missed you. Well, you can go now. I wouldn't want you to be at the critical juncture of too much too soon for too long.

Eddie: Oh, shut up. Come here.

[]

Mr. Potter: Ahem.

Joey: Heh heh heh. Hi, dad.

Mr. Potter: Your sister needs some help in the kitchen.

Joey: I thought that's what Brodie was for. Oh. Are you gonna be ok out here?

Eddie: Well, as long as your father promises to go easy on me.

Mr. Potter: I'll be gentle, I promise.

Eddie: I'm ok.

Joey: Ok.

[Joey goes inside leaving them alone. You can see the tension in the air.]

Eddie: Ahem. It's beautiful out here, huh?

Mr. Potter: Yeah, it is. So, uh, tell me about yourself, Eddie.

Eddie: Sure. What do you want to know?

Mr. Potter: Uh... where do you go to school?

Eddie: I don't, actually.

Mr. Potter: You graduate?

Eddie: No. I never really went. College and I, it never really took, you know.

Mr. Potter: Yeah, I see. So, what do you do for a living?

Eddie: Well, I'm actually in between occupations at the moment. I was tending bar for a while, but that didn't work out. So I guess now I'm just take some time off, you know, figure out my next move.

Mr. Potter: I see.

Eddie: Hey, you know, your daughter is great, Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter: Yes, she is.

[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. He putting some of his clothes away, and begins looking at the pictures of the gang on his wall, when Natasha comes into the room.]

[Door opens]

Natasha: Your mom is in the kitchen, your little sister is napping, Todd is passed out in the living room, and the rest of the guests aren't due to arrive for about another hour. Let's go, Dawson. You got work to do.

[She throws him down on the bed and climbs on top of him]

Dawson: Where are we going?

Natasha: To heaven and hell and back again. We're gonna have sex in your childhood bedroom, a place where you've probably only had sex with yourself.

Dawson: Is it that obvious?

Natasha: Doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Dawson: Heh heh heh. The thought of doing it in this room doesn't creep you out just a little bit?

Natasha: Hell, no. Turns me on. Let's go, citizen.

[She begins kissing him and moving her way down his neck, but stops when Dawson is just lying there.]

Natasha: [Sighs] What's wrong with you?

Dawson: Nothing.

Natasha: I'm not sensing the appropriate degree of enthusiasm. I don't seem to have your full attention here. Is it the whole childhood bedroom thing? Because I just thought that would add a nice splash of kink to the proceedings, but we don't have to do it.

Dawson: No, it's not that.

Natasha: Then what is it?

Dawson: Max winter.

Natasha: Well, no wonder you're not here with me, then. You're not supposed to be thinking about hunky matinee idols, Dawson. You trying to tell me something about your orientation, perhaps?

Dawson: You know what I'm talking about.

Natasha: [Sighs] Yes, I do. And while your jealousy is sweet and all, you have nothing to worry about. Max Winteris long gone.

Dawson: You lied to me.

Natasha: What are you talking about?

Dawson: You lied to me. You said you were alone in your room watching TV.

Natasha: Yeah.

Dawson: I saw him leave your room.

Natasha: So what's your point?

Dawson: My point is it bothers me. Ok, look, I--I--I thought I could play the game and just keep my mouth shut, but I can't, ok? That's not who I am. I need to know what the hell we're doing.

Natasha: We're having fun, Dawson. At least... that's what I thought we were doing.

Dawson: That's crap. If it was just fun, you wouldn't have been so upset when you found out about Joey.

Natasha: Well, I was just being dramatic.

Dawson: Come on. I don't believe that for a second.

Natasha: Believe it. It's all about ego, Dawson. No girl wants to be dumped by some guy that she's embarking on a fun little fling with, especially when he's the director's assistant.

Dawson: So that's what this is to you-- is some fun little fling.

Natasha: Ugh! Are you on your period right now, Dawson?

Dawson: I just wasn't clear before, but now I am. You--I get it. You get some perverse little thrill out of screwing the help.

Natasha: You know what? Heh. You crack me up, Dawson, because you stand here and you say these incredibly noble, incredibly self-aggrandizing things about how you don't want to play the game, when the truth is you brought me home for Christmas, and you can't tell me that you don't get some kind of perverse thrill out of showing me off to your friends and family. It's really quite a shame, Dawson, because they'll be a day when you're old and gray and not even the Viagra's doing it for you anymore, and you could've looked back fondly on that time you banged the living daylights out of that actress in your childhood bedroom while she still had her looks. But I guess that's what you get for thinking with your brain when you really should be thinking with your-- well, I think you know.

[Door slams shut]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House later that night. Joey and Eddie come walking up to the porch.]

Joey: Thank you.

Eddie: You're welcome. So, this is the guy from the no doubt concert who's also the same guy from the movie set?

Joey: Dawson. Yeah.

Eddie: Dawson. Right. Yeah, and why are we here again?

Joey: Is it gonna be all right for you?

Eddie: Yeah, I got no beef with the guy, and if he's got beef with me, you know, I think I could take him.

Joey: Well I don't think it'll come to that, but it's good to know.

Eddie: The question is, Jo, is that will it be weird for you?

Joey: Well, yeah. I mean, that's just the way it is. That's the way it'll always be, but look, don't worry. We're gonna have a nice, civil Christmas dinner, and then we're out of here.

Eddie: What, no dessert? I do like pie, you know.

Joey: As I recall. I was hoping we could find some time to be alone tonight.

Eddie: Yeah, well, you know, I have to spend some own time with my family, you know, but I was thinking maybe—

Joey: I'd love to.

Eddie: You don't even know what I was gonna say. For all you know, you could be agreeing to an act of sexual congress.

Joey: So you weren't asking me to come home with you.

Eddie: No, I am.

Joey: Well, like I said, I would love to.

Eddie: Cool. And I promise my family will be a lot less intimidating.

Joey: What do you mean?

Eddie: Nothing. It's just, you know, is your dad always so hard on prospective suitors?

Joey: Why? What did he say to you?

Eddie: Nah, I'm just teasing. Forget it.

Joey: I'm not gonna forget it. Eddie, if my dad was rude to you, I want to know about it.

Eddie: You know what? He wasn't rude at all. He seems like a really great guy.

[They go inside.]

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Pacey and Doug comes pulling up to the house, and Doug is driving. They stop the car, and stay inside it talking to one another.]

Doug: [Chuckles] Sweet ride, Pacey. Thanks for the test drive.

Pacey: Any time. Isn't the navigation system amazing?

Doug: Yeah, you're right. It's amazing.

Pacey: Hey, do you think dad liked his palm pilot? 'Cause he didn't really seem all that excited.

Doug: Well, I think he was a little overwhelmed, Pace. I think we all were.

Pacey: Hey, there's one other thing I wanted to give you. [He pulls a box out of the glove compartment] I didn't want to break it out in front of the whole family, but check it out.

Doug: Pacey, you have been extremely generous. I don't need anything else.

Pacey: Oh, come on. Open it up. You're gonna like it.

[Doug opens it to see a very expensive watch inside.]

Doug: [Exhales] Pace, this--this is above and beyond.

Pacey: Yeah, and, you see, now you can get rid of that one you've had since the Reagan administration.

Doug: Hey, I'll tell ya, I love this watch, ok? It lights up and everything.

Pacey: Sure, but can it tell you the time in Portugal? I think not.

Doug: Pace, can I ask you something?

Pacey: Sure.

Doug: This job of yours, is it on the up and up?

Pacey: "On the up and up"? You sound like you're 50 years old, Doug. You sound like dad.

Doug: Look at it from my perspective, Pace. You come home with this new car, you got flashy new clothes, expensive gifts for the whole family. Excuse me if it seems just a little too good to be true.

Pacey: Right, right. I forgot. Yet another reason why it sucks to be a Witter, 'cause you can't just be happy for me. You couldn't just, I don't know, say, be proud of me. You actually have to accuse me of being involved in some sort of illegal activity.

Doug: Pacey, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just wondering how much you know about your place of employment, that's all.

Pacey: What is this, man? You should be happy for me. Are you jealous or something? Is this about how much money I've been making?

Doug: I don't know. Maybe you're right, Pace. Maybe I am jealous, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just worried about you.

[Scene: Dawson's Bathroom. Audrey is going through the medicine cabinet and comes across some prescription bottles, and finds one and takes a pill from it. She swigs it down wit h a glass of water.]

Audrey: [Hums Santa Claus is coming to town] Santa Claus is coming to town

[She makes her way to the dining room where everyone is already there. She is staggering while walking showing she is really drunk now.]

[People chatting]

Audrey: So where the hell is Jack?

Jen: Are you drunk?

Audrey: Yes, but that does not explain where Jack is.

Jen: In Europe with his dad and Andie.

Audrey: Dope.

[She sits down in the chair that Grams was just about to sit in.]

Gale: Evelyn, would you like to say grace?

Todd: I wouldn't mind leading us in prayer, Gale.

[Todd is really drunk and luring a lot]

Gale: Oh, well, that would be lovely, Todd. Thank you.

Todd: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of your son. Now I'm at a disadvantage here. Not knowin' any of you, I'm sure, know who I am. I am a filmmaker, celebrated on many continents, but I don't know any of you, which is a travesty because people like you, regular people, are my target audience.

[He notices Jen sitting on the other end of the table]

Todd: Except you, blondie. You look very familiar to me.

Jen: You hit on me on a-- on a plane once from Boston to New York.

Todd: Did we shag?

Jen: No.

Todd: Are you sure? Because I'm flashing on some sort of mile-high club activity.

Jen: [Laughs] No, that wasn't me.

Todd: Well, good, 'cause that'd be embarrassing.

[He looks back to the ]

Todd: Where was I? Oh, yes, the birth of Christ. Let me start with what I am thankful for. I am thankful for Gale... for inviting us into her lovely home. And I am thankful to her progeny Dawson. Progeny. Progeny. Her progeny Dawson. This kid has been an invaluable member of my production team. He's helped me through one of the roughest productions known to god and man, and I love him. I love him very much, Dawson. And the funny thing is he's managed to get himself involved in a sexual relationship with a beautiful woman, which reminds me of my first film actually, except she was what we call underage, so we don't talk about that.

Dawson: Todd?

Todd: Yes, Dawson?

Dawson: Well, could we wrap it up?

Todd: Forgive me. Forgive me, Gale.

Mr. Potter: I, uh, have to say that I'm really impressed with what you've done with your life, Dawson. I mean, I've known this kid since he was running around making movies with a video camera. It's really amazing to see how far he's come.

Dawson: Thank you, Mr. Potter. That means a lot.

Mr. Potter: Maybe you guys have an opening for Eddie here.

Dawson: You're looking for work, aren't you, Eddie?

Todd: I like Eddie. We never found a replacement for Phil the P.A., Did we?

Eddie: Yeah, well, film's not really my thing, but thanks for thinking about me, Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter: What is your thing, Eddie?

Joey: Dad.

Mr. Potter: What? I'm curious.

Joey: No, you're not. You're being a dick.

Mr. Potter: Joey.

Audrey: Mr. Potter? Yes, Audrey? Can I ask you another question about prison?

Mr. Potter: Sure, Audrey.

Audrey: Yeah. So... why is it that you don't think Eddie's good enough for your daughter?

Joey: Audrey. Back off.

Audrey: What is your problem, princess? I was sticking up for Joe dirt over there.

Pacey: This isn't gonna end well.

Audrey: Would you shut up, Pacey?

Pacey: You're out of line, Audrey.

Audrey: Of course I am. Anyone messes with the one that got away, and you get all up on your high horse, don't you?

Jen: Audrey.

Audrey: Oh, excellent. Another party heard from. What's your problem, Lindley?

Jen: I think you're the one with the problem.

Audrey: Oh. Devilishly clever of you, Jen. Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy? Because I am sorry about that.

Jen: What are you even doing here?

Audrey: I missed my flight, bitch, which is really terribly unfortunate because if you think that spending Christmas here on Walton mountain is my idea of a good time, then you all are about as high as I am right now.

Gale: Audrey, why don't you go lay down?

Audrey: Oh, you know, thanks for that, Gale, really, but I think I'm kind of just getting started here. Do any of you have any idea how incredibly hypocritical this whole little gathering is? I mean, I may be flying high on a pleasingly potent cocktail of vodka and painkillers-- and thank you, by the way, Gale, for the painkillers, but I seem to be seeing things a little bit clearer than any of you. Dawson. Pacey. You guys hate each other, don't you? You're never going to be able to-- to mend this little rift that exists between the two of you, so why do you even bother with the charade? And Dawson and Joey, [Audrey laughs] Here you are, both of you, all grown up and so very pleased with yourselves, and each with your little significant other by your side respectively, and while, you know, I will give you that it does make for a pretty picture, the truth of the matter is you guys finally slept together, and you've never really dealt with it, and neither of you are going to be able to have a relationship with anyone else until you just finally deal with your crap once and for all and-- as for you, Pacey, I am really sorry that Audrey Hepburn next to you broke your heart all those years ago, and it's prevented you from ever fully committing to an adult relationship, but you know what? Just grow up. Merry Christmas, scum suckers. Peace Out.

[She gets up and storms out of the room.]

Dawson: Well, that was fun.

Todd: Merry Christmas.

[She grabs Pacey's keys off the table by the door and storms outside. She makes her way over to Pacey's car, and is obviously very drunk now, even dropping the keys a couple of time trying to get into the car. She gets into the car stars it up.]

[Car starts]

[Car accelerates]

Doug: Pacey, isn't that your car?

[She pulls out quickly, and begins to pull around the house when she crashes into the house into the room next to the dining room where everyone is sitting]

[Debris cracks]

[Audrey climbs out of the car as everyone rushes to see if she is ok. She gets out with a little blood on her lips.]

Audrey: Yeah. I kinda think I zagged when I should have zigged.

[she walks over to the couch and throws herself down onto it.]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House on the porch. Doug and Pacey come outside to talk alone.]

Doug: Pacey, do you have any idea what you're asking me to do here?

Pacey: Yes, I'm asking you to keep her out of trouble and just make this go away.

Doug: Listen to me, your girlfriend in there is in trouble. She needs some serious help.

Pacey: Ok, look, she's not my girlfriend anymore, and right now she hates me, so she's not going to listen to anything I have to say to her. This is the only way I can help her, Doug.

Doug: Did you ever think that it might actually be better for her if she does get into trouble for this?

Pacey: That's ridiculous. I'm asking you for a favor here, and in my lifetime, I have not asked you for much, but I'm asking for this. Doug, do this for me, ok? Make it go away. Please, Doug.

Doug: You willing to take all the blame for this?

Pacey: Yes, absolutely.

Doug: [Laughs]

Pacey: What? What's so funny?

Doug: No, nothing. Nothing. It's just that, um-- you know, you've given yourself quite the makeover, haven't you, Pace? You know, you've grown some facial hair, you got yourself a real job, nice car, fancy clothes, but you're still the same Pacey. You're still looking for a quick fix, aren't you? You want me to sweep this under the rug? Fine, I'll do that. I don't know what good that's gonna accomplish because Audrey is gonna live to drink and drive another day. And you know what? It may not end up so happy next time. Ok. If anybody asks, you did this. All right? New car, you lost control, you're a moron, people will believe you. Trust me.

Pacey: Thank you.

Doug: And I'll pay for whatever else needs taking care

Pacey: Yeah, ,throw some money at it 'cause, you know, that fixes everything.

Doug: Come on, Doug. What do you want from me?

Pacey: No, I'm not done. You know, maybe I never told you this, Pacey, and if I didn't, I am so sorry, but last year, when you were a cook, I was proud of you. I was happy for you. I actually admired you, Pacey. There was something, I don't know, honest about it. Almost noble. Guess it didn't suit you, did it?

[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Audrey is lying on his bed, as Jen is standing in the room watching over her.]

Jen: [Sighs] How do you feel?

Audrey: How do I look, Lindley?

Jen: Like complete and utter crap.

Audrey: [Snorts] Well, that sums it up nicely, thank you.

Jen: Do you want me to call your parents?

Audrey: No. Jen, if you do that, if you-- I swear I will make it my life's purpose to kick your ass all the way back to New York.

Jen: Ok. Why are you so angry, Audrey?

Audrey: Ok, dr. Melfi, you know, is this some sad attempt to impress C.J.? Because, you know, like, the last time I checked, he's not here.

Jen: No, I was just trying to help you.

Audrey: Well, don't. Ok? Just... pretend that I am too far gone, which isn't that far from the truth anyway. I just--I wanna be left alone, Jen. I'm so sick and tired of you people. You all say that you want to help, but it's all just... posturing, because none of you really noticed how screwed up I was until tonight. With friends like you, who needs enemas?

[Jen leaves her alone.]

[Scene: The stairwell by the front door. Natasha comes downstairs with her coat on, and her bags in her hands. She goes to put a note on the table by the door, when Dawson comes walking around the corner and sees her.]

Dawson: Hey.

Natasha: Hey.

Dawson: Where are you going?

Natasha: Back to L.A. My manager got me on the last flight out.

Dawson: You're gonna leave just like that? Just like that. Listen, Natasha, I'm sorry for everything.

Natasha: Don't be sorry. You were right about everything. I slept with Max Winter.

Dawson: That's fantastic.

Natasha: I'm just being honest. Isn't that what you wanted? Yeah.

Dawson: Yes. Honestly, I mean, that's great. That's—

Natasha: Look, Dawson, I'm sorry if I was reckless with your emotions. I didn't mean to be. I thought we were having fun. I don't-- I don't love you. I never did. It was fun. Sleeping with you made me feel sexy and beautiful, and, to be honest, I never thought it would last much past wrap.

Dawson: Yeah. Well... you know what? I don't love you either.

Natasha: Of course you don't, silly. Listen, you're not built for this kind of relationship. It's kind of what I dig about you. I am too young and too self-absorbed to be entangled in something so serious, and if I'm too young, you're way too young. You know, you're gonna make some girl's dreams come true someday, in a big way, which is why I have to stop this now before I break your heart and turn you into a bitter cynic.

Dawson: Don't flatter yourself.

Natasha: [Whispering] Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dawson. Oh. Todd's passed out in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure he's still breathing, but you might want to hold a mirror up to his breath just to be sure.

Dawson: Thanks.

Natasha: [Whispering] Bye.

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. Joey and Eddie come walking outside and stop at the stairs at the end of the porch.]

Eddie: So is this what all your Christmases are like, Joey Potter?

Joey: Um, you know, not so much. Usually we smoke crack and worship Satan. This was pretty tame by comparison.

Eddie: Uh, look.

Joey: What?

Eddie: I don't think you should come back with me, Joey.

Joey: Why?

Eddie: Because you have plenty of stuff to deal with right here.

Joey: Why do I sense some subtext here?

Eddie: You know, your father was kind of a jerk tonight. You know, but-- he wasn't altogether wrong about me. You know, I'm not the most together guy on the planet, Joey.

Joey: Who asked you to be? Who even knows what that means?

Eddie: It means that I should have trusted my gut. I shouldn't be here.

Joey: Why?

Eddie: Because it was-- it was all too much too soon. I shouldn't be dealing with a father who thinks I'm a loser. I shouldn't be dealing with all of the ghosts of relationships past. It's too much. You know, I--I-- we need to be in the here and now.

Joey: Ok. Well, then, that's what we'll do. From now on, we'll be in the here and now, I promise. Ok?

Eddie: You know, the same thing would have happened if you were at my house, you know. I mean, you'd meet my family, and they'd be very impressed, but also very suspicious because you are so damn beautiful, and they'd wonder, "what the hell is she doing with Eddie?" And after, when you were gone... they'd pull me aside and they'd say, "what the hell are you doing, kid? That girl's gonna break your heart."

Joey: Eddie, I have no intention of breaking your heart.

Eddie: Yeah. Merry Christmas, Joey.

[She watches as Eddie leaves, and then turns to go back inside when she notices Dawson at the end of the pier.]

[Scene: The end of the pier. Joey comes walking up to join Dawson who is standing at the end of the pier, leaning on the rail looking off into the water.]

Joey: Didn't I sleep with you once and never talk to you again?

Dawson: You know, I thought that was you.

Joey: Sorry about that.

Dawson: Don't worry about it. Happens to me all the time.

Joey: So... some night, huh?

Dawson: Yeah. Yeah. Kinda puts things into perspective.

Joey: How do you mean?

Dawson: Well, you know, if Audrey had managed to take us all out in a blaze of glory tonight, I'd hate to think that the last meaningful conversation you and I had was that one in your dorm room.

Joey: Mmm. Yeah. She was right about one thing, though, you know.

Dawson: What?

Joey: We never really dealt with what happened. I don't know about you, but I kinda put it all into a little box and pushed it far, far away.

Dawson: I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how it all went so wrong.

Joey: I spend a lot of time trying to forget we ever meant anything to each other.

Dawson: Fair enough. I deserve that, I guess.

Joey: No, you don't, and the thing is, Dawson, it never works. A night like this, it does put things into perspective. See... I think sometimes it's easy for me to kind of hate you because I know that you're out there, and if anything ever happened to me or if I ever really needed you, you'd be there for me.

It's true.

Joey: Dawson, if that's true, then how come we only ever end up hurting each other?

Dawson: Well, we're not hurting each other right now.

Joey: Well... right now is an illusion, though. Right now it's a truce. But right now, I just want to stand here and talk to the one person who can maybe help me figure out how everything got this way. We can go back to hating each other in the morning.

Sounds like a plan.

Joey: I don't really hate you, you know.

Dawson: I don't really hate you either.

[Dawson puts his arm around Joey and she puts her head on his shoulder and hey start watching the freshly started snow fall.]