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  06x19 - Lovelines
 Posted: 05/04/03 15:15
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Episode 619 - Lovelines

In this episode: Joey and Eddie's emotional and sexual relationship is played out on stage during a counseling center benefit with special guests Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla. Meanwhile, at the same event, Jack and David deal with the insecurities in their relationship, a sober Audrey returns to Boston with her eye on Dr. Drew, and Jen opens up to C.J. about Grams' cancer.

Original Airdate: April 16, 2003

[Scene: Joey's Dorm Room. Joey and Eddie are sitting on her bed. Joey is trying to study from one of her text books, while Eddie is trying to kiss her neck.]

Eddie: Mmm--mmm--mmm. Joey.

Joey: Studying.

Eddie: Joey.

Joey: Still studying.

Eddie: How come you don't want to get with me?

Joey: What are you going on about?

Eddie: Since I've been back, nothing. Nada. A drought of epic proportions. Is there a hygiene issue I'm not aware of?

[The door to the room flies open and Audrey comes in carrying a bunch of suitcases.]

Joey: Audrey?

Audrey: Hi, bunny!

Joey: Oh, my god!

Audrey: Hi! Ohh, you flunked out of school. How sad. Death of a dream and all that. So, guess who was on my plane?

Joey: Audrey, you're back a day early.

Audrey: Yeah, I got early parole for good behavior. Well, actually, the rumor has it that Courtney Love was checking in, and they needed the extra room. So, guess who was on my flight.

Eddie: Pilots, stewardesses, and assorted passengers?

Audrey: Well, that's funny, but no. I'm only talking about the sexiest man in all of America.

Joey: Audrey, don't you want to maybe relax, get settled?

Audrey: Oh, come on. No one's ever too busy for a quick game of "guess who was on my plane." Trust me, this one's really good.

Joey: Ok, fine. Uh, uh, uh... Bad Pitt?

Audrey: [Sighs] Will you work with me, Potter? That is so obvious. No, this guy is way hotter. I'm talking like the thinking girl's dream.

Eddie: Oh, Ian Ziering?

[Both laugh]

Audrey: Duh. Dr. Drew.

Joey: Impressive. I would have thought he was a little too, uh... clinical for your tastes.

Audrey: It's kind of a rehab thing. You start to crave men based on who'd look cutest in a white lab coat.

Eddie: Who's Dr. Drew?

[They both turn and look at him like he is crazy]

Audrey: Are you serious?

Joey: You know. Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? Of Loveline fame? Popular radio call-in show where they espouse advice to pathetic losers with massive sexual hang-ups. He used to be on MTV.

Audrey: Uhh. Jeez Louise. Looks like Mr. Good wrench has been too busy throwing his back into his living to soak up a little pop culture.

Eddie: What's MTV? Kidding.

Audrey: So anyway, what are the odds?

Joey: Well, pretty good, considering they're going to be at Boston Bay tomorrow.

Audrey: Wh-wh-what? Where the hell have I been? Oh, right. I've been in rehab.

Joey: Yeah, they're putting on some fund raiser for the counseling center, and Jen gets to play host.

Audrey: Oh, my god. This is perfect. She can totally intro me to the doc. I knew it was destiny. I gotta pee.

[Audrey runs into the bathroom]

Joey: She's baaaaaack.

[Both laugh]

[Opening Credits]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The Help Center. Jen is frantically attempting to untangle the phone cord on her phone, as CJ is walking in the background with a clip board. He looks over and sees her and smiles]

Jen: Is it too much to ask that we invest in some cordless phones around here?

[CJ comes over to join her.]

CJ: You excited about the hosting gig tonight?

Jen: Mm-hmm.

CJ: Yeah? Who knows? You could become the next Ryan Seacrest. You could borrow one of his man-blouses. Something wrong? You seem a little tense.

Jen: No, I'm really not. I'm fine.

CJ: Come here. Sit down.

Jen: No, that's ok.

CJ: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

[He sits her down on a chair in front of her, and then begins to massage her shoulders.]

CJ: There, doesn't that feel better? So I was thinking, after tonight's soiree, you and I can slip back to my place for a little night capper? You, me, some cheap champagne, a little Fleetwood Mac.

Jen: I can't.

CJ: Ok, no Fleetwood Mac.

Jen: No, um... it's not that. I mean, I just... I can't. I can't.

CJ: Why not?

Jen: I have to help grams.

CJ: I can help grams. Let me come.

Jen: I don't think that's a very good idea.

CJ: Why not? Because, C.J., I'm breaking up with you. I'll see you tonight.

[She gets up and leaves and he can do nothing but sit there and stare.]

[Scene: Joey's dorm room. Joey is getting ready for class, as Eddie is sitting on the bed watching her get ready.]

Eddie: Joey?

Joey: Yes, Eddie?

Eddie: Um, we never got a chance to finish our conversation.

Joey: And what conversation was that?

Eddie: About how you're repulsed by me.

Joey: I am not repulsed by you.

Eddie: Then why won't you get with me?

Joey: Would you stop saying "get with me?" It's creeping me out.

Eddie: Sorry.

Joey: And I... I don't want to talk about that.

Eddie: What?

Joey: You know.

Eddie: What, sex? You don't want to talk about sex?

Joey: No!

Eddie: Why?

Joey: I don't know. I just... I don't.

Eddie: Oh, I get it. I understand. I repulse you.

Joey: You don't repulse me.

Eddie: It's ok. This happened to me before.

Joey: It has?

Eddie: No.

Joey: Eddie, you know what? You don't get anywhere talking about sex. You just make me uncomfortable.

Eddie: Clearly.

[Suddenly the covers on Audrey's bed burst forward and Audrey comes out of under them]

Audrey: Oh, my sweet lord! Will the two of you just do it already and be quiet?

Joey: I have to go. I have a quiz.

Eddie: Well, fine. Maybe we can not talk about this later.

Joey: Gladly.

[She leaves]

Audrey: Do you want to make out?

Eddie: No.

Audrey: [Laughs] Good. That was your test, buddy. You break her heart again, and I'm going to kill you. You got it?

Eddie: Yeah.

[Scene: The ticket stand. David and Jack are working the Ticket stand for the Loveline show, and selling tickets to the long lines of people who are there. David is just finishing up selling a ticket to a girl, when a guy has some questions after buying his ticket.]

David: Have a good one.

Fred: Hi.

David: Hi.

Fred: So, is there, like, assigned seats, or how does this work?

David: No, it's general admission. First come, first served.

Fred: Great. So if I wanted to sit by someone specific, the best way would just be to ask him?

David: Uh, yeah.

Fred: going with anybody?

David: Me?

Fred: Yeah. Is that a problem?

David: Oh, well...uh, no... normally, I wouldn't mind, but, uh... you'd have to ask my boyfriend Jack.

[Jack turns an look at Fred]

Jack: You rang?

David: Uh, yeah. I thought I'd introduce you to this guy who just had the good taste to hit on me. Uh, Jack, this is...

Fred: Uh, Fred.

David: Fred.

Jack: Hi.

Fred: Sorry about that.

Jack: Not a problem. It's cool. I mean, you know, it's not cool, of course. Although I do like to pimp him out from time to time.

Fred: [Laughs] Gotcha.

Jack: It was nice meeting you.

Fred: You, too.

David: Hi. .He seemed nice.

Jack: Yeah.

[Scene: The set for the Loveline show. Jen is pacing on the stage with a bowl of cheese cubes in one hand and a clipboard in the other.]

Jen: Why am I doing this?

David: Eating cheese?

Jen: No, no, this. I'm not--I'm not cut out for this. What if nobody talks? I mean, at least at the help line I can hang up on them. But what if nobody asks any questions? What am I going to do?

David: Run and hide and curl up in a fetal position hoping nobody finds you?

Jen: I need a ringer.

David: A what?

Jen: A ringer-- somebody to ask pre-planned questions during uncomfortable moments of silence.

David: Well, don't look at me. I suffer from glossophobia.

[She just looks at him in confusion.]

David: It's a fear of public speaking. So my duties tonight will be strictly limited to ticket taking, which I will now go do. Good luck.

Jen: Thanks.

[He leaves her to go back to her pacing. CJ comes from back stage and walks over to her.]

CJ: Hi.

Jen: Hi.

CJ: So...

Jen: so... [Sighs] What are you doing here?

CJ: I'm helping you host the event, remember?

Jen: Yeah. Right.

CJ: Um, about what happened earlier—

Jen: You know what? I can't really talk about that right now. I'm sorry. I... I've got so many notes to go over, and...cold cuts, I have these really wonderful cold cuts that I don't want to go to waste.

CJ: Ok. Fair enough. Yeah. I'll just go get ready. Good.

[Jen goes backstage and Audrey comes running up to Jen.]

Audrey: Oh, my god! Where is he?

Jen: Who?

Audrey: Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen. Sweet, sweet, Jen. Such an amusing facade, but it's of no use. You can't keep us apart. It's destiny, I tell you. Destiny. Jen, he was on my plane.

[Adam Carolla takes this as his opportunity.]

Audrey: Ladies, put the claws back. No need to fight. Plenty of room on the Carolla coaster for everyone.

Jen: I'm afraid I won't meet the minimum-height requirement. It's nice to meet you. I got to go.

[Jen leaves them alone]

Adam: Well, what about you? You want to hop on board?

Audrey: I wasn't talking about you, doofus. I'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew.

Adam: Pinsky?

Audrey: Yes, yes! Do you know where he is?

Adam: That geezer's probably out casket shopping. He's old. He's an old man. He's old enough to be your grandfather. Whereas I, I'm just old enough to be your daddy. And plus, the guy's a bore. He's an amazing bore. He never stops talking about gonorrhea and hepatitis G. Believe me, I know. I have to share a hotel room with the guy. Cheap bastards.

Audrey: Oh, my god. You've shared a room with him? Tell me something. [Whispering] Have you seen him naked?

Adam: [Whispering back] Yes. Yes, I have.

[Scene: The Seats for the show. Jack is sitting on the end chair with an empty chair next to him, with his coat sitting on it. The rest of the seats are already full, and Fred comes over and stops next to him.]

Fred: I hate to tell you this, but in about 2 minutes, there's going to be a riot for that seat.

Jack: [Laughs] Hey.

Fred: Hey. Jack, right?

Jack: Yeah. Yeah.

Fred: Fred. So...where's the boyfriend?

Jack: Well, that would be the question of the hour. Clearly not where he's supposed to be.

Fred: But it is taken, right? The seat?

Jack: Uh...yeah, you know, I was, um...

[He grabs the coat of the empty chair and stands up so Fred can get by him]

Jack: What the hell. It's all yours.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The Seats for the Loveline show. Joey and Eddie are making their way over to some empty seats towards the front.]

Eddie: Just so you know, it's over.

Joey: What is?

Eddie: The trust.

Joey: Are we still talking—

Eddie: Done. Gone. Finito. Deader than disco. You allowed me to think that I was good at it.

Joey: Good at what?

Eddie: The sweet, tender lovemaking that couples tend to engage in upon day's end.

Joey: Look, you are good at it, ok? Now could we please stop talking about this?

Eddie: No. No, we can't. And I thought the whole point of this evening was for people to get together and talk about their problems.

Joey: We're freaks, but we're not those kinds of freaks. Sit!

[She points at one of the two empty seats.]

[Scene: Over by Jack's seat. Jack and Fred are joking with each other, when David comes walking up to them and has a dirty look on his face.]

Jack: Lying on the ground, his tongue is just hanging out of his mouth, vultures flying over his head. And he goes to the farmer, he goes, "shh. They're just about to land."


Fred: Oh, man. You're definitely going to get punched for that.

David: I could think of worse things. Like not saving your boyfriend a seat?

Jack: David, hey. You remember, um...

David: I remember. It's nice to see you again. I thought we said the right side of the stage.

Jack: We did. We, uh... see, I meant from the front.


Jack: From the front, it's the right, but if you're coming from the back, I could see how you could have... uh... you know... I'm—

Fred: I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'll move.

David: Good idea.

[Scene: The stage for the Loveline show. Jen comes out to announce the arrival of Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla as they come out and take a seat on a couch that has been set up on the stage.]

Jen: They are both the hosts of the wily popular radio show Loveline. I'd like to go ahead and take this time to introduce our esteemed guests Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla.


Jen: Um, ok. Well, since our time here is limited, and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows how this works. With no further ado... who has the first question?

[No one speaks]

Jen: Ok, not everyone at once.

[Still no one, then Audrey begins waving her hand in the air]

Audrey: Oh, Jen. Jen, pick me. Lindley!

Jen: Uh, anybody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?

[Adam takes this chance to try and prod them on]

Adam: Come on. You people are in college. Your crabs have gonorrhea. Where's the questions?

CJ: I'd actually-- I'd actually like to pose a question, if I may?

Jen: Actually, C.J., I think it's your job to field the questions, not ask them. You field, they ask. Field. Ask. Field. Ask

Dr. Drew: It's that's ok, Jennifer. We're not exactly worried about form here. So go on, C.J., Ask your question.

CJ: Uh, ok. Well, there's this, uh... girl that I have-- or had a relationship with.

Adam: She was a sex buddy?

CJ: No, she, uh... she was a girlfriend, actually, and we were together for several months up until this morning, when she dumped me like a sack of rotten trash. No explanation, no warning, no nothing.

Dr. Drew: Were there any warning signs? Any problems in the relationship?

CJ: No, none. Well... I did sleep with one of her friends.

Adam: But just one, right? Women don't--they don't mind that kind of stuff. Can't be that.

CJ: But she knew about it and it was before we got together, so that doesn't really count, right?

Dr. Drew: Have you simply tried asking for an explanation?

CJ: That's the thing. Every time I try to talk to her, she treats me like I'm father Damien.

[They look at him strangely]

CJ: He was a leper.

Adam: Oh, sure. The famous leper, father Damien. Drew, you wrote your thesis on father Damien, did you not? All right. Listen, I say run. I mean, this chick's a head case. She's going to take you down, I promise.

Jen: Thank you, Adam, for that astute insight, but if you don't mind me saying so, I think that C.J.'S problems here are really subordinate to those of the many members of this audience who have actually paid good money to listen to your vastly under qualified advice.

Adam: You're so lucky I don't know what "subordinate" means, honey.

[Audience laughs]

[Scene: Else where in the audience. Eddie is still trying to get Joey to talk with him about their situation.]

Eddie: So I guess we should probably just break up then, huh?

Joey: [Whispering] Would you be quiet?

Eddie: Well, I need to know what's going on here!

Joey: Shut up.

Eddie: [Whispering] Don't tell me to shut up in front of all these people. What I don't understand, Jo, is why is so hard for you to talk about sex?!

[Adam sees Joey and Eddie arguing in the audience]

Adam: Whoa. What have we here? We got to hear more about this. We got a wiener in the crowd here, Drew.

Dr. Drew: Let's get a mike over to these guys.

[Someone hands them a microphone]

Dr. Drew: This will make a good question.

Joey: Uh, no, that's ok. There's no problem.

Eddie: Nope. Nope. No problem at all.

Adam: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a problem, or you wouldn't have been screaming like a girl 10 seconds ago. We need to hear this problem. What is it?

Eddie: No, it's really—it's ok. It's not--it's not that bad, actually.

Joey: Yeah, he likes it that way. He prefers it, actually.

Dr. Drew: I'm sorry. I think I missed something. What's your name?

Joey: Joey.

Eddie: I'm Eddie.

Joey: But like I said, we have no problem.

Dr. Drew: Oh, if you say so. But you can't help but wonder, Adam, should a couple that's not even mature enough to talk about sex be having sex?

Adam: Yeah.

Eddie: Give me this. That's what I'm saying, dr. Drew. It's exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly what I'm saying. I mean, she is a little, like, uptight about the whole thing.

Joey: I am not.

Eddie: Yes, you are.

Adam: Listen, listen. This long-distance relationship is breaking my heart. Let's get you two up on stage where we can thump you like melons. What do you guys say?


Eddie: [Sarcastically] Thank you.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The Loveline show. Jen is helping Joey and Eddie put on some Microphones as Joey gives Jen a dirty look. Audrey is trying to get Jen's attention.]

[Cheering and applause]

Audrey: Jen! Jen! I really have one. Jen!

[Jen ignores Audrey]

Joey: Just so you know, I'm going to kill you afterwards.

Jen: Ok.

Dr. Drew: Now why don't you two start by telling us about this relationship?

Eddie: Well...I'll start. It's all very simple, actually. Today, I realized that the girl that I have been opening my life and baring my-- my naked soul to for the past 6 months is a phony.

Dr. Drew: 6 months. Is that how long this thing's been going on?

Joey: Well, it's hard to tell exactly. I mean, we met in the fall, but we really didn't like each other—

Eddie: Oh, hey, stop. Ok, look, I had no beef with her, but she--she obviously... you know, was in love with me... in her own emotionally unstable way.

Joey: Emotionally unstable? I'm emotionally unstable?

Eddie: Yes, look in the mirror, Joey.

Joey: Who packed up and left with no forwarding address at the first sign that this thing was getting serious?

Eddie: Oh, I came back, didn't I?

Joey: No, not willingly.

Eddie: I'm sitting here.

Joey: I had to come looking for you, didn't I? At a significant loss to my personal dignity, thank you very much. And then, to celebrate... he left again.

Dr. Drew: And throughout all this, you kept having sex?

Eddie: Oh, yeah.

Adam: No wonder she's screwed up.

Joey: Thank you. Wait a second--

Adam: Listen, I don't like the cut of your jib, son. I mean, you have sex with her, then you dump her. Then you try to get her trust back, except for you abandon her again. So you've abandoned her twice, and now you're perplexed as to why she won't trust you when you've dumped her 2 times? Are you high, son? I mean, no wonder she's cut you off. Drew, if you treated me this way, I'd cut you off... in a heartbeat.

Dr. Drew: That's why I treat you the right way.

Adam: That's right.

Dr. Drew: Joey, is this abandonment a big issue for you?

Joey: No.

Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication?

Joey: No!

Dr. Drew: Is you dad around? Is he a big figure in your life? Is anything going on with him?

Joey: You know what? Dr. Drew, I thank you for everything, but I--I think I've had enough, and I'm going to head back to my seat now.

Dr. Drew: Not so fast. Listen, Joey, nothing to be ashamed of. Common problems, all right? Tough to talk about. Jennifer, I'm sure people call the help line all the time with things like this.

Jen: Oh, yeah. Constantly. There's really nothing to be embarrassed about. You're very normal in your abnormality.

Joey: Jen, perhaps there's someone else in the audience that would like to ask a question.

Jen: Oh, yes, yes, with the raised hand. Who is that?

David: Uh... my name's David, and I need to know what the proper response might be when you find your boyfriend openly flirting with some other guy right in front of you?

Jack: I wasn't flirting.

Adam: Since when is having an idle chat considered flirting, my friend? We have a couple of dates, he thinks he owns me, Drew.

Dr. Drew: Adam wants to be your boyfriend. He longs to be gay. David, uh, was this a monogamous relationship?

David: Yeah. I thought it was.

Dr. Drew: I see. So you're kind of wondering whether it actually is monogamous. Well, obviously, you guys need to talk about this. Um, you know, one possibility is that he's acting out right in front of you, because he's trying to give you a message, and he just doesn't have any other way to tell you.

Jen: Or maybe he's just one of those people who's really super-nice to everybody so it seems like he's flirting, but actually, he's not, 'cause nobody's that stupid. So, my advice on this would just be forgive and forget.

Adam: Are you high, missy? You got to dump this guy, and I'm not saying that because he's a gay.

Jen: Um...ok, why don't we go to Mandy behind the screen? Mandy, what's your question?

[They turn to a silhouette screen, and a girl is behind it when another comes in and pushes her out of the way.]

Jen: Mandy?

Audrey: Oh. Hi. Sorry, no. Actually, my name is Audrey, and my question is specifically for Dr. Drew. Um, I'm about 5'7". I've got blond hair, blue eyes, great rack.

Jen: Audrey, question. Find it.

Audrey: Oh, right. Ok. Well, um... several months ago, I realized that I had a serious problem with alcohol. I had all these negative feelings about my life, and I was using alcohol as my escape. And in the process, I hurt a lot of people that were very close to me. And if it hadn't been for those very same people, I probably would not have gotten the professional help that I needed. So after spending several weeks in a rehab facility in southern California, um... I guess my question to you is this, Dr. Drew-- how would you like to go back to my dorm room and play a little game I like to call "dirty doctor and naughty nurse?"

[Audience laughs]

Jen: Ok... Audrey, that was touching. Let's move on, shall we, to-

CJ: You know, we really haven't had a chance to get a woman's perspective on some of these matters. Uh, tell me, Jennifer, getting back to my problem, why do you think this girl decided to rip my heart out without any explanation?

Jen: Well, if you ask me, C.J., I think the time for your problem has come and gone. Now, since we have with us here the experts onstage who are here to answer people's questions—

Adam: Oh, experts, huh? A minute ago, I was hack, now I'm back to expert? That's nice.

Dr. Drew: Actually, Jennifer, that's not a bad idea. You should answer this question. Everyone's here to support the help line. Why don't you give them a sample of what they can get when they call in?

Jen: Ok. If think that that question has many parts. One, it seems to me that this girl isn't really out to get you, that maybe, in fact, she's just confused.

CJ: To say the least.

Jen: And 2, maybe she has a lot on her plate at the moment, so she doesn't feel like she has the time for a relationship.

Adam: And 3?

Jen: That's it.

Adam: You can't just start stringing together a list of reasons and stop at 2.

Jen: Says who?

Adam: Says who? Says--says me. Says Drew. Says our parents. Remember your mom said that to me, Drew?

Dr. Drew: Yes

Jen: Ok, fine. You get 3. Listen, I just don't want a boyfriend at this point in time, ok?

Adam: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Dr. Drew: "I don't?"

Adam: This is the head case he's talking about. He's talking about her.

Jen: No. Yes. I am the girl that he is referring to, but no, I'm not a head case.

Dr. Drew: Oh, wow. This is so, why did you dump this guy unless you don't feel comfortable talking about these issues.

Jen: No, it's just, um...

Adam: He beats you, right? I knew it. I could see it in his eyes, Drew.

Dr. Drew: Seriously, is there something about this guy you don't like? Or is it something about him, or something about the relationship?

Jen: No, no, I like him. I like him. What's-- what's not to like? He's perfect. He's the perfect living embodiment of everything that I've ever wanted in a boyfriend, but never thought that I would actually find. You're kind, you're caring, you're sensitive, you're not wigged out by gay people.

Adam: He is kind of cute. He's got a bit of the Spader working for him.

Jen: If I were to start a boy from scratch, this is what he would end up as.

Dr. Drew: All right then. So, why would you sabotage this? Why would you take someone good, someone you described as wonderful, perfect, and just drive him away?

Jen: Can we turn this back to Joey? She's more screwed up than me.

Joey: Hey.

Dr. Drew: Were either of you abused when you were kids?

Jen: No.

Joey: No.

Eddie: Joey's dad did some time in the big house.

Joey: Maybe we could bring Jack up here for some humiliation.

Eddie: No, no, no. Don't Change the subject again I still intend to get some answers from Sally Albright—

CJ: Hey, get in line, pal. At least you still have a girlfriend.

Audrey: Jen, I really need to know what kind of undergarments—

Adam: When we get back to L.A., I'm putting this knee in my agent's groin.

Jen: You know what? It's over. I'm obviously not equipped to be here. So if you have questions and you need answers, you should all call the help line.

[Jen leaves and goes back stage where she runs into Audrey.]

Audrey: Oh, my god. Jen, what was it like to be that close to him? Did you get to touch him? What does he smell like?

Jen: Audrey, how would you like to see him up close and personal?

[Jen hands Audrey the Microphone.]

Audrey: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Jen: Yes. Take over the hosting duties.

Audrey: Oh, I thought you wanted me to sing. Oh, well. A gig's a gig. Thanks.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The Loveline show. Audrey is now hosting the show. She begins the question answer session and we jump from question to questions and answer to answer.]

Audrey: Ok, people, since our lovely hostess with the mostess Jen Lindley picked now to have a mental breakdown, I'll be your Ricki lake for the rest of the evening. Now, who's got the next question? You! Up top! Funny shaped head. What do you got?

Guy: Um, Dr. Drew, is it true that men only want sex and women only want relationships?

Audrey: I can tell you first hand that ain't true. I could tell you stories that would boggle your pea-sized little brain. I once—


Adam: Asked this girl to do it while I was driving once, but she got all sketchy. Said it wasn't safe—


Dr. Drew: To engage in high risk behavior. If you have, you should see a doctor immediately, and then ask—


Guy: Is someone under 5 feet considered a midget?

Adam: Official midget height is if I'm wearing a pair of stilettos and I can rest my—


Adam: This laser's not a magic wand.

Dr. Drew: Not a panacea, yeah.

Adam: Yeah, people think it's a—What did you say it was?

Dr. Drew: Panacea. Cure-all.


Guy: During sex, she likes to listen to pop goes the weasel. Is that--is that weird?

Dr. Drew: The may be where the source of your sexual dysfunction comes from.


Girl: Is it ok to use a vibrator?

Dr. Drew: Great question. But I think he has some feelings about that. Adam?

Adam: Well, I did a test with Drew once, where I just covered the left side of his face with—


Adam: Whenever you have an abnormality that way, it increases your chances of being an evil genius.


Guy: Well, what I really want to know is—


Dr. Drew: are you taking any medication?


Girl: Is it true I can't get pregnant on a full moon?


Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication?

Guy: I've got this bad burning sensation.

Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication?

Girl: What is the average size of the male genitalia?


Dr. Drew: Fluoxetine.

Guy: I mean really bad.

Dr. Drew: Citalophram.


Guy: It's like I'm on fire.


Dr. Drew: Fluvoxamine. Sertraline. Proprion. Buspirone.


Guy: How small is small?


Dr. Drew: Which is a genetic biological disease which could lead to consuming progressive amounts of—


Adam: Whipped cream. And make sure you have plenty of it, or else!


Audrey: The men that want their women to look like little boys that cause them—


Dr. Drew: Depression and anxiety, which can have both psychological and biological elements to it, and hopefully—


that answers your question.

[Audrey decides that it is time to wrap up the show.]

Audrey: Ok, people, that's all the time we have for this evening. Remember something—if you find yourself alone and depressed in a room sitting under a bare bulb if a pile of your own sick, please don't call me, call the help line. Have a great evening.

[Audrey puts down the microphone and unhooks herself. Dr. Drew leaves stage and Adam is getting ready to leave.]

Audrey: So, what would you say to you, me, a couple of non-alcoholic beers, and a shiny new thermometer?

Adam: Baby, you're reading my mind.

[She looks at Adam in disgust.]

Audrey: Ugh!

[Scene: Backstage of the Loveline show. Joey and Eddie come backstage looking four Audrey and are still arguing with one another.]

Eddie: What exactly are we doing back here?

Joey: We're looking for Audrey. Hello. We drove her here. Then we get home and put this horrid night behind us.

Eddie: Yeah, but we haven't solved our little problem.

Joey: Eddie!

[Adam comes walking around the corner.]

Adam: Good god, son! Are you still harping on that? Why don't you give the girl a break? Have you taken a look at her lately? You're lucky a chick that hot let's you get naked in the same building she's in. You gotta move on. How old are you? 15, 16?

Eddie: I'm 25.

Adam: 25. You know what I was doing when I was 25?

Eddie: No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

Adam: That's right. I'm gonna tell you. When I was 25, I only dreamt of getting with chicks this hot. I was in my parents' basement looking at my raft box. Had a picture of a gal on it. She was wearing a bikini and floating on a raft, and I just stared at that thing until I was cross-eyed. I miss that raft box.

Eddie: That's...weird.

Adam: Yeah, you're damn right it's weird. And that's my point. I'm tired of you college kids complaining and bellyaching all the time. When I was in college, we didn't have chicks that dressed like this. With their belly tees, and their hip huggers, and their thongs hanging out the back. No, no, we had it tough. Let me ask you a question. You'd be with this guy if you thought you could trust him, right?

[She stops and thinks]

Joey: Yeah.

Adam: There you go, sport. All you gotta do is gain her trust and you're in like flint, all right? All right. Well, my work is done here. I'm gonna get some cheese.

[Adam leaves them alone]

Eddie: So, is that true? You don't trust me?

Joey: Well, can you blame me?

Eddie: No.

Joey: Eddie... we're living this fantasy. And--and we've... been doing it ever since you got back. And as nice as the fantasy is... it's gonna have to end sooner or later.

Eddie: Well, since you put it that way, Joey, I choose later. Look, I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time. But there's nothing I can say to earn your trust. So, you're just gonna have to take a leap of faith. Ok, and know that I love you more than anything in this world. Ok?

Joey: Ok, come on.

Eddie: Were we going?

Joey: Back to my room before Audrey gets back.

Eddie: But we drove her here. She's not gonna be able to get back to the—

Joey: Exactly!

[Scene: The Exit of the Theater that the Loveline show was in. David and Jack are getting ready to leave, and you can see that David is still upset.]

Jack: You know... tonight doesn't have to be a complete disaster. If we hurry, we can still make it to the bars. Maybe you can find some nice guy for me to openly flirt with.

David: Am I supposed to be amused by that?

Jack: Yes, David, you are.

David: Oh.

Jack: But since you're not, maybe you should just say what you want to say and let's get this over with.

David: And you don't have anything that you want to say?

Jack: Honestly, no, because in my mind there's nothing worth even talking about.

David: Ok.

Jack: It's just a stupid misunderstanding that you seem intent on blowing up into a much larger deal.

David: Ok. So, just to clarify, I'm crazy, and you're not gonna even attempt an apology.

Jack: I was just talking with the guy, David. That's it. It's like Jen said. All right, I'm just-- I was being nice. It's not like I'm trying to communicate anything. It's not like I'm trying to make you feel bad.

David: You know what? I'm beginning to think maybe I should've trusted my original instincts about you.

Jack: What the hell is that suppose to mean? Look, if you want to break up with me over something this minor, just do it.

David: Wow. That's the first place you go?

Jack: What?

David: You're worse than Jen. Or maybe you two have been hanging out so long you've just become the same person.

Jack: What the hell are you talking-- you know, for a master communicator, you're not expressing yourself too well right now.

David: We were having a tiny little argument, and in 2 seconds, you just managed to snowball it into something catastrophic.

Jack: Oh, right. I manage. And you weren't at all being passive aggressive.

David: I am not the one who's looking for a way out of this.

Jack: And I am? And I am?

David: Do you know what? If you're bored, if you're in over your head, than just say so.

Jack: Did I say that?!

David: Fine, fine. But I am not just gonna dump you so that you can walk away from this guilt-free.

Jack: Guilt f-- David, I am guilt-free. I didn't do anything wrong.

David: Right.

Jack: What? Oh, great, what? You're leaving now?

David: Yes. But before I do, I'm gonna make this really simple for you. Either apologize to me or break up with me.

Jack: Oh, fine, ok, whatever. Sorry.

David: No. No, no, no. I deserve better than that. Take a day. Hell, take a week. Think about it, and let me know what you decide.

[Scene: Outside the Loveline stage building. CJ is leaving the building when he turns the corner to see that Jen is already outside waiting for him.]

Jen: Wait, C.J. Wait. Let me explain. Wait, will you please just let me explain?

CJ: You know, Jen, I think I've heard all I need to hear tonight.

Jen: Look, I need to talk to you. I--I need your help.

CJ: Oh, you need my help? Well, you said it earlier. Why don't you call the friggin' help line?

Jen: Ok, I will. Ring-ring! Aw, man, I really hope somebody picks up. Ring-ring!

CJ: I'm not gonna do this.

Jen: Oh, come on. You've got a crazy girl on the other end of the line and she might do something irrational if she doesn't have somebody to talk to. Ring-ring.

CJ: Hello?

Jen: Hi. Is this the help line?

CJ: Yes.

Jen: Uh, because you didn't say help line when you answered.

CJ: Hello. Help line.

Jen: Uh, who am I speaking with? Because you didn't give me your name, either.

CJ: Hello. Help line. This is C.J. Do you have a crisis?

Jen: Hi, C.J. You have a very sweet voice.

CJ: Do you have a crisis or not?

Jen: Yes, I do. And you should like somebody that I could trust, and somebody who could be endlessly sympathetic with a girl who has a lot of problems.

CJ: Oh, well, isn't that ironic? Considering I just got dumped today by a girl with a lot of problems. Or maybe she doesn't have any? Maybe she doesn't have any problems. Personally, I wouldn't know because she doesn't have enough trust to confide in me.

Jen: [Sighs] Well... the thing is that maybe... this girl realizes that she made a mistake, but she doesn't really know what to do about it.

CJ: Well, maybe she needs to start by realizing that whatever the problem is, her boyfriend's not the enemy.

Jen: Right. Well, see, now, that's the thing about this girl, is that she has a tendency to subscribe to self-destructive behaviors in her life, and that when one part of her life isn't going well, she has this desire to destroy everything else going on, and plus, she's never really been able to trust anybody before, so—

CJ: Everybody's gotta start sometime.

Jen: So--so, what? So what do I do? I just--I just-- I just say what it is that's bothering me, and then I look up and you're still there?

CJ: Yes. That's what this whole boyfriend thing is all about. But if you're not interested in having a boyfriend, I can certainly—

Jen: She's sick. My Grams is sick. And she has been keeping it from me, and it's the reason that she broke up with your uncle Bill, and--and I don't know what else she's been keeping from me. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know anything about anything, and so I had a freak-out, one freak-out. Is that ok?

CJ: Yes. Yeah. Take as many as you need.

[He wraps her up in his arms, suddenly realizing what she must be going through]

[Scene: Backstage of the Loveline show. The show is over, and Audrey comes walking into the backstage looking for Dr. Drew. She sees Adam, and goes running up to him.]

Audrey: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Just the man I was looking for.

Adam: I knew you'd come around. They always do.

Audrey: Yeah. Where's Dr. Drew?

Adam: Oh. Again with the Pinsky? Listen, I hate to tell you, but your beloved Dr. Drew, not so great with the staying power.

Audrey: What?

Adam: He went to the airport right after the gig.

Audrey: But... I never got any personal face time with him. What are you still doing here?

Adam: Eh, I like to hang behind at these things. See if I can scrape up a little coed tail.

Audrey: Yeah. Has that ever worked for you?

Adam: No. No, it hasn't.

[Audrey leaves Adam back stage and goes out onto the stage looking for Joey.]

Audrey: Joey? Jen! Jack! Anybody! Ugh! Can this night suck any harder?

Dr. Drew: You know, there are more productive ways to manage aggression.

Audrey: Listen, buddy—

[She Turns to see Dr. Drew.]

Audrey: Oh! Hi! Dr. Drew, I-- I wasn't angry just now. I was just--I was practicing for a play. You know, "Stella, Stella," all that.

Dr. Drew: So you're an actress?

Audrey: Well...I am. But, you know, more so in life, I guess, than in art. I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic.

Dr. Drew: You don't say.

Audrey: Yeah. Although... I should kind of point out I--I wasn't entirely lying about... the whole rehab thing. I mean, it happened, that whole part of my life. And it wasn't pretty, having to face myself and all that. But every night after a long day's whining, I would lie in bed and I would bug my roommate by listening to you guys give advice to all those other losers out there in radio land, and...I don't know. It just, it... made me feel less alone. So... well, I guess I just want to say thank you. For being you, and... the truth is... I don't know if I could've done it without you. Plus, you're, like, totally hot.

Dr. Drew: Ha ha ha! Audrey, do you want a ride?

Audrey: Oh, I would love one. But I know that you're married, so we must keep our distance, Drew.

Dr. Drew: I'll try.

Audrey: So, you guys must have a boat load of groupies, huh?

Dr. Drew: We have a few.

Audrey: Yeah. Don't you just hate girls like that?

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