Sausage?

Vegan.

Since I was 15, I haven't eaten anything with a face.

So...

So?

Uh, the baby... the one upstairs?

Right.

... has been bothering me.

Not the baby per se, more like the entire situation.

I mean, it is pretty f*cking weird when you get right down to it.

Did I make a wrong turn through a wormhole into some f*cked-up Victorian novel...

[voice echoing] ... where a top secret baby is being cared for...

[heart beating]

... by a demonic she-servant and her brain-dead sidekick Lurch?

[kettle whistling]

I mean, where did you even find those two, open-mic night at the mortuary?

Seriously, Roman, what's the deal with the kid?

Roman?

[shrieks]

[screaming]

[French pop song playing]

Are you going to talk to me about any of this or should I just go f*ck myself?

[kettle whistling fades]

Did you hear anything I just said?

Yeah. You're a vegan.

[eerie, melancholic theme music plays]

[Pryce] You have reached the office of Dr. Johann Pryce.

After the beep tone, please speak clearly, state your name, the time you called, and leave a detailed message.

I will return your call at my earliest convenience.

[beep]

We need to talk now.

It's important. I don't want to get into it over the phone.

Call me back. It's important.

Roman Godfrey.

[beeping]

[sighs]

The baby...

Whose is it?

I mean, well, are you the father?

Not that it's any of my business, but with all the secrecy and the weird baby bunker...

I mean, what's up with that?

It's a very... [clears throat] It's a very complicated situation.

How complicated can it be?

Everyone comes from somewhere. You did. I did.

Where did the baby come from?

I mean, if you don't want to tell me, fine, but... since I seem to be the kid's major source of nourishment these days, I thought I'd ask.

The father's not in the picture, and the mother's dead.

And you're taking care of this child because...

Look, Miranda, it's really not something you need to worry about, OK?

Now, I really need to get going.

Well, I am f*cking lactating.

Who f*cking lactates?

Mammals, mostly.

Who have been pregnant and have had offspring.

I have not been pregnant. I have not had offspring.

I... I do not even like children.

Children are sticky. They smell funny.

This town is giving me the creeps. I have got to get out of here.

I am sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for what you're going through.

There is something wrong here.

Very wrong! My Aunt Margo died at a young age...

This isn't fatal!

I promise. Maybe a little messy.

And uncomfortable, and...

You're not gonna die!

Aunt Margo did, because she carried the death gene, and I bet it means that I do, too.

If you're that worried, we'll get you to a doctor, OK?

One who specializes in spontaneous freak lactation?

Arnold Spivak. He's good. The family doctor.

Dr. Arnold's been in Hemlock Grove as long as anyone can remember.

Conway will drive you. Have the bill sent to me, OK?

But what if...

Everything's gonna be OK, Miranda.

Deputy said you needed to talk.

Ready to explain why you're going around making death threats?

They weren't death threats.

Look, I'm gonna lay something on you, and you're not gonna believe me.

Hm! I can't wait.

There's been a series of accidents where people have died, only they're not accidents.

They're made to look that way so they fly under police radar.

And you know this how?

I see what's gonna happen in dreams before it goes down.

And I have a pet unicorn I bought on the planet Zorknoin.

I told you weren't going to believe it!

And you knew that on account of you being psychic?

I had another dream, here last night.

There was this kid that was in trouble, he was underwater, like on that Nirvana album cover.

And then there was a German shepherd!

Look, if you're not gonna do something about this, I need to figure this out so I can do something about this, but I can't do that in here!

Lucky for you, the woman you threatened scrammed out of town.

No one's around to press any charges.

I'm obliged to cut you loose.

I catch you stimulating your too-fertile imagination with weed or whatever you're hopped up on... you'll be sitting down for a long time.

Let's have a look under the hood.

Oh, yes. No scarring.

Good soft palate.

Hm!

Do you pee with excitement every time you marvel at your genius with a scalpel?

I pride myself on my superior bladder control.

Someone's in a buoyant mood.

Roman called.

Judging from his tone, which could only be described as verging on the desperate, I think we may be coming to an understanding.

This is good news.

That he's calling a third party instead of his mother?

Well, given the historically rotten relationship between you two, I'll take the win.

What's this?

Nicked myself.

It will heal.

Well, you're overdue for lab work anyway.

I'll update you on my meeting with Roman.

[gasping]

Guess what?

It's my parents'.

We can play a game.

[beeping]

[boy sighs]

Are you gonna play?

Where the f*ck have you been?

It's a long story.

We were supposed to be at the lady lawyer's 15 minutes ago.

What?

She worked out a plea, and we're supposed to go over it with her before we see Lynda.

I need to make a call first.

Well, do it on the way.

I'm out of juice.

Let's go!

[line ringing]

I had another one. We need to put our heads together.

I'll call you later.

Let's f*cking go.

New charges have been filed.

Your mother's alleged to have received stolen property: a shipment of Christian Louboutin Palais Royal luxury shoes.

I wear the pair she gave me all the time.

She's being hit with 15 counts of grand larceny and conspiracy to distribute stolen property.

It's nonsense!

Anything involving the rich and famous is like catnip to a prosecutor with political ambitions.

How is this Lynda's problem?

It just is.

How big of a problem?

Ten years.

You told us you were gonna make this go away!

I told you that I would give your mother the best defense possible, which I have, but these new charges...

Ten years is totally unacceptable!

Peter!

Then what was the 20 grand for?

Mr. Rumancek, I am exploring every remedy available, but you have to understand...

I know a hustle when I see one. I'm a gypsy for f*ck's sakes.

And this is a low-rent, rat-shit hustle!

Jesus.

[elevator dings]

You have a two o'clock with the company photographer.

They need a portrait for the annual report...

Cancel.

The chamber of commerce, they want...

Not interested. Has Pryce called?

No. Should I try him?

[rapid beeping]

[elevator dings]

She's come quite a long way since you saw her last.

But you probably don't remember.

Say hello to Prycilla, the first human being ever to be created in an extra-uterine environment.

But enough about me, let me introduce you to another of my creations, one that will set you free.

Once and for all.

The work product from a wide spectrum of genetic experiments we've been conducting, repurposed here as a nutrient concentrate to satiate the upir appetite.

[coughs]

Takes some getting used to, I know, but for your kind, this is on a par with the development of agriculture 8,000 years ago.

A reliable supply of sustenance that turned the hunter-gatherer into civilized man.

No more foraging in the night to ward off starvation.

No more preying on helpless victims, taking innocent life.

You've come home, Roman, and you have me to thank.

Drink.

Right now, you feel like Jesus's son.

No more, Roman, it's too soon!

[choking]

[grunts]

Your metabolism needs to adjust.

All right, another deep breath.

[breathes deeply]

Good.

Yeah, the wife and I, we took a trip to Norway once, and we were, you know, we're tooling around the fjords in this rust bucket rental, and, uh, you know, the tranny goes out.

Neither of us drive stick, which I'm sure was a contributing factor, but there we are, you know, marooned in Trondheim, Norway.

Look at my nose.

Now, neither of us speaks Norwegian... which is not a crime by the way.

Here, you can lean back.

But the Norwegians... Oh, my Lord... took it as this personal affront.

That you didn't speak Norwegian?

Oh, don't let the reindeer sweaters fool ya.

They are just a loathsome bunch, the Norwegians.

Never ever go there.

All right. Here we go! Bottom line.

All right, young lady. You are a perfectly healthy 21-year-old female unremarkable for any pathology or illness, all right?

I'm not saying you're not remarkable. OK?

It's just doctor speak for "you ain't sick." OK?

Thank you, Pearl.

Hey, I bet you the guy who ran you off the road's a New Yorker.

They tend to drive through here like a bat out of hell.

So how come I'm lactating for no known reason?

There's your answer: no known reason. Lactation is a physiological response to a whole complex of stimuli. There's emotional, there's hormonal, there's environmental, there's, uh... you know, etcetera, etcetera. My guess?

It probably has to do with this infant you've been hanging around.

Without ever being pregnant?

Yeah. It's not common, but it's not unheard of. It's called pseudocyesis.

The body acts like it's pregnant when it's not.

[laughing gently] It's surprising, sure.

It's, uh, you know, it's inconvenient, sure, but...

Yeah.

No cause for alarm.

You don't have to worry.

OK.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do though.

I'm gonna give you an analgesic for your stiff neck from the car crash, and a calcium supplement.

I have some samples around here someplace.

So you're staying with Roman Godfrey?

Um, yeah. Temporarily.

Ahh.

I haven't seen Roman since he was like, uh... had his chicken pox, whenever that was. How's he doing?

Oh, he's good, I guess. I don't... Just met him the other day.

He's a good boy. Tries to do the right thing, you know.

But... given his family history...

Oh, good heavens.

He doesn't really talk about that stuff.

Can you blame him for that?

All right, there you go.

Thanks.

Mrs. Blaylock is on line one.

Oh, brother!

Hello, Mrs. Blaylock. How are you?

Oh, that good, huh? Hey, I wanna see you in two weeks.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can just give me a call, OK?

Yes, I'm right here, Mrs. Blaylock.

[whispering] Psst. Any time, call me day or night.

Well, that would rule out appendicitis, Mrs. Blaylock, 'cause you need an appendix.

[bell ringing]

[Destiny] There's no excuse for what you did.

Frieda what-the-f*ck's-her-name stole our money.

You broke her stuff for chrissake.

I told you this would happen on account of...

This has nothing to do with the moon, I'm fine!

I have every reason to be pissed at that shyster.

You are not fine. You're turning into a total basket case.

Disappearing to God knows where, losing your cool all the time...

My mom's rotting away in prison.

Did you do it again?

What?

Turn.

No.

Look me in the eye.

I have not turned.

And you haven't been fooling with those dreams?

On my gypsy's honor.

[scoffs] That's what worries me.

When we go in there, we need to accentuate the positive.

There's no point sugarcoating this, D.

It's just another Romancek getting totally f*cked!

She hears doom and gloom coming from her only son, you're gonna destroy whatever hope she has.

[indistinct chatter]

You ought to see what the other three chicks look like.

Um... we just came from the lady lawyer's.

She says there's plenty of reason for optimism.

Right. Uh, something about improper warrants or something.

She thinks there's a good chance we can get a lot of these charges tossed out.

Next time she's in front of the judge, she's gonna kick ass and take names, OK?

OK. Don't you kids worry about me.

The good news is I'm being transferred.

Transferred where?

Who knows? But the food has got to be better than here.

No glum faces, this too shall pass.

It didn't go as well as hoped.

He resisted?

Quite the opposite. He showed no restraint whatsoever.

Oh, dear. He had an uncle like that. Never knew when to stop.

Well, now Roman wants nothing to do with any of it at all.

This thing about becoming upir can be quite disorienting at first.

I'm worried about the damage he could do in the short term: exposing the lab, shutting down my research.

Don't overreact, Johann. If you'll recall, I was quite a handful when I first began the treatments.

I have the results of your blood tests.

These anomalies you've been exhibiting lately: normal human emotion, the diminishing rate of healing consistent with a non-upir metabolism...

Hate it.

There are specific changes taking place in your bloodstream I had not noticed before.

I measured your telomeres as a baseline for my research prior to Roman's attack, then again today.

They've shortened much faster than anticipated.

Jesus, Johann, get to the point!

You're aging at an accelerated rate.

Clearly one of your lab retards made a mistake.

I double-checked the results myself.

How long does this condition last?

We're in unchartered territory.

There's no clinical data for the effects of upir neurotoxin on another upir.

Are you telling me I only have a couple of hundred years left?

More like a normal human lifespan.

Human lifespan is over like that.

Hardly worth going to the trouble of being born.

And it's also possible it could reverse itself.

Creeping mother of Christ.

You know, it's Roman who should be concerned about his longevity... if he disrupts my Ouroboros research.

I need to help him get his footing in this new chapter of his life.

Even after what he did to you?

He and the baby are all I have left.

Compassion doesn't suit you, Olivia.

I miss that venomous disposition and that heart the size of a caraway seed.

Well, despite what she says, our marriage is not boring.

I'm not boring. I do lots of exciting things: crosswords, archery...

Well, it's your wife you need to convince, not me.

I hold the record in western Pennsylvania for constructing 37 ships in bottles in a one-year period.

I mean, if that isn't not boring, I don't know what is.

Another thing she doesn't give me enough credit for is pitching in around the house.

Last night I made dinner. Meatloaf and gravy with peas and mashed potatoes.

I thought about making baked potatoes, then I changed my mind and went...

[Shelley] Dear, Uncle Norman. I'm OK.

But there are so many reasons why I can't accept your kind offer of help.

You have already done so much. Not believing all the terrible things they say about me committing all those awful crimes.

You have stood by me through all of it.

That's what gives me the strength to go on.

Helping me any more would only get you in trouble.

Goodbye, Uncle Norman. Whatever happens, I will always love you. Shelley.

[man] I mean, let me just tell you, that is the pot calling the kettle beige.

Mmm!

Don't! Not unless you want your brains dripping out of your ears.

Those are my 'shrooms.

Uh, it's for a good cause.

[chuckles]

Hi.

Hey.

Thanks.

[Destiny] Hand me that spray bottle.

So who are you trying to assassinate?

I'm not an assassin.

I'm a freedom fighter.

[man] Take a seat on the right. Spread your feet.

Have a nice ride.

We need to get this van washed.

Tree sap or some shit all over it.

Mm-hm.

How long's the trip to the next squirrel cage?

Three and a half hours. And no potty stops.

You two won't mind driving back with the windows down then, huh?

You know Miss Piece-of-Shit back there assaulted one of our colleagues yesterday?

Well, that's not right.

No, it's not right.

But she'll have many, many years to reflect on her poor behavior.

Your boy had it coming. He tried to cop a feel.

Now, if I'm not mistaken, we were just verbally assaulted while performing our duties as correctional officers.

Requiring us to report the incident to our watch commander when we arrive.

No wonder your hands are sticky, the way you two jerk each other off.

[man] Hot in here all of a sudden.

What the hell?!

Uh...

What the f*ck!

What?

What the f*ck?

What's going on, man?

What are you guys doing?

[panicked whimpering]

Hello?

Hello?

Hang on, Lynda, we'll have you out of there in a second.

Do not touch the door handles. I repeat, do not touch the door handles.

I love you guys!

[groans] OK.

Plane ticket to Bucharest and a Romanian passport courtesy of...

Andreas Vasilescu at your service.

Joe's funeral?

Now the fortunate boyfriend of my darling Creamsicle.

That'd be me.

And may I say what an honor it is to meet the loins of Rumancek from which Peter sprung.

Is this what I think it was?

Grandma Lumilda's psychoactive gypsy brain fog, absorbed transdermally through the hands.

Poor bastards!

All right, come on, you've got a plane to catch.

[clock ticking]

[Pryce] There are specific changes taking place in your blood cells.

You are aging at an accelerated rate.

Like a normal human lifespan.

[ticking slows]

[Olivia] I am not sitting around waiting for death to find me.

[electronic music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

A shot of tequila. Top shelf please.

[man on PA] Let's welcome our first brave soul.

[singing badly] ♪ Beautiful dreamer

♪ Wake unto me

♪ Starlight and dewdrops

♪ Are waiting for me

[woman continues singing]

The gentleman would like you to join him at his table for bottle service.

Thank the gentleman and his bottle service, but I'm waiting for a friend.

OK.

♪ Awake unto me ♪

[man on PA] Thank you very much.

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a spot open for karaoke.

Any takers?

We have an open spot. Any takers?

There are very few things in life I haven't done.

This is one of them.

[up-tempo music playing]

♪ Creature with the atom brain

♪ Creature with the atom brain

♪ Why is he acting so strange?

♪ Do you think he's one of them?

♪ He threw the dog right down

♪ Ripped its guts off

♪ And threw it on the ground

♪ Creature with the atom brain

♪ Why is he acting so strange? ♪

[Leticia] First break we've had since you've hired me.

Yeah. She's been out there, hunted like an animal for seven months.

Surviving God knows how.

Now all we have to do is convince her to turn herself in.

You do not want to catch an aiding-and-abetting beef.

You know, at least if she's in custody, Shelley will be safe.

Is there, uh, anything new on Marie?

I spoke to the sheriff, did some poking around in his background, just 'cause I'm nosy, uh...

Michael Chasseur served in the 101st Airborne.

Death from Above. He must be a hard-ass.

He did three tours in Iraq. He was recruited by the Army Rangers.

After that, it was a stint with Chicago PD Homicide.

He was involved in a questionable shooting.

IAD had put a righteous face to it, Chasseur resigned from under a cloud. Landed him in Hemlock Grove.

He give you anything?

Nada.

Searched his place, canvassed the neighbors.

You know, Marie's not so reckless she's just gonna take off without telling anyone.

I've done enough rooting around this place looking for Shelley to know that whatever Marie's situation is, it isn't benign.

Seven girls were murdered.

Yeah, which my niece had nothing to do with.

And a second one just went missing. They're all related.

The question is how.

[sighs]

Chasseur interviewed your girlfriend.

Yeah. Olivia told me.

She was the last person who saw her.

I've already been over this.

I think you should put me in a room with her.

What for? She's already told the guy everything she knows.

Olivia has cooperated in every conceivable way.

I don't want her bothered any more than she already has been.

It's no accident that, you know, Marie, she threatens to sue the White Tower and then she goes missing?

Maybe you should be looking into that.

[footsteps approaching]

[breathing deeply]

[beeping]

[baby cooing]

You... are so beautiful.

Honey, I'm home.

How'd it go with the doctor?

Headline: Turning into a Dairy Cow, Who Knows Why, While Completely Bizarre, Is Not Life-threatening.

Didn't I tell you?

Dr. Spivak says hi, by the way.

Hm! Nice guy.

Yeah, and completely hilarious.

He said this is... mostly happening on account of me being around the baby.

You told him?

Yeah.

After I specifically told you not to?

Well, gee, in a conversation about mother's milk, the subject of a baby just happened to come up. Imagine that.

Now somebody else knows.

And why is that such a big f*cking deal?

Because it is. It's a big f*cking deal, OK?

It's not like he's gonna tell anyone.

You don't know that!

There's a little thing called the Hippocratic oath. "Thou shalt not run your mouth about your patient's business."

But nobody else.

Not a soul outside the walls of this house, understand?

Jesus, Roman, I wish you could hear yourself.

You sound like some kind of paranoid loon.

There's a history of abuse in the baby's family.

I want to keep her as far away from that as I can.

I have to ask, is any of that even remotely true?

A hundred percent.

Her grandmother's dangerous.

And that's why you're keeping this... deep dark baby secret?

Yeah.

Then why didn't you tell me instead of having me walk around on eggshells with no f*cking clue? It's really not fair.

You're right. It's not fair.

Pretty selfish, actually.

Jeez, you look like the dog's dinner.

I haven't been feeling too good lately.

If you're coming down with something, don't give it to me.

I don't want the baby getting sick, too.

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

What's wrong?

Are you OK?

So here's... here's what's up with the baby.

It's mine. It was an unplanned pregnancy.

The mother died in childbirth.

I'm trying to be a father. Obviously not a very good one, but...

No. You're there for her.

That's huge.

So this, um, crazy granny...

Is my mother.

Wow.

My daughter and I, we're... we're terrified of each other.

She starts screaming as soon as I get close to her.

So I panic and head for the hills. I don't... I don't know how to...

These things will settle down soon enough. It just...

It takes some time.

Look, I know you didn't sign up for any of this, but you need to know how grateful I am. We are.

I don't... I don't know what's going on.

I'm just dealing with what's being presented to me, is all.

I guess that's how the universe works.

Or doesn't work... 'cause it's all just smashed to hell and we're just a couple of broken pieces and none of this means anything.

Go take a look in your kid's eyes, and tell me you still believe that.

Come here, ice man.

[slow, melancholic ballad playing]

If there's any place on Earth that you can lay low and never get caught, it's probably Romania.

Because nobody wants to go, including me.

Actually, it's quite beautiful.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful for all you guys have done, but I don't know anybody there. It's not like I have any friends.

We have plenty of family there.

I barely speak the language, Peter.

Am I never going to see you again?

Of course.

Of course, you're gonna see me again. As a matter of fact, I'll have Andreas whip me up a new identity and we'll start over together in Bucharest.

Your life is here, Peter.

My life is wherever I am. You taught me that.

I know, but the people in Hemlock Grove, they need you.

How do you know?

I'm not sure. It's just...

It's very important you stay.

Mama's has a feeling about this, and I'm never wrong about these kind of things. Be a good boy.

Man, I mean man.

Drive up here wasn't too bad, but the wait at the border, getting through customs was a nightmare.

No way are we going back home until I'm sure everything's OK.

I mean, Jack almost got run over by a truck.

Some sicko kid tells me it's not safe 'cause people are after me.

More than happy to spend a couple weeks up here with Mom, watching hockey and eating poutines.

Even though my thighs are gonna hate me, eh?

[chuckling] He's upstairs having a bath.

[crickets chirping]

[dog barking]

[man] Excuse me. Yeah, looks OK. Neighborhood watch.

[banging]

Hello?

[man] Anyone down there?

Negative!

Lets go, let's go!

[panting]

So I met this guy at work. Fortyish, nerd cute.

Another refugee from the divorce wars.

His name's Jeremy. Capricorn. Loves all things Walking Dead.

Asked me to smuggle some Cuban cigars back to the States for him, which I'm not going to do because then he will smell like cigar smoke.

No, I haven't slept with him yet, I'm not a complete slut.

Jack! Jack!

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Jack.

Jack.

[sobbing]

Jack.

Her GFRs are back to normal, and the creatine composition indicates robust renal sufficiency.

Good. At this point, extraction is wholly dependent on her monoclonal antibody development.

And now, on a more pressing matter, I need the enzyme inhibitor I asked for posthaste.

I'm getting an anomalous molecular weight in the purified polypeptide chain.

So what are you telling me?

The gel filtration of lysate...

No excuses, I want that inhibitor now.

I need few days more...

Unacceptable!

I am not understanding the urgency of something that has almost no practical application beyond killing host organism.

Why or how I choose to use that enzyme is of no concern of yours.

Yes, but it is matter of allocating resources.

Hear me... and hear me well, you Bolshevik stool sample.

Unless you want to find yourself on trial in the Hague for war crimes like your asshole buddy, Chemical Ali... get me my f*cking enzyme.

How about we go raise a glass to new life in the old country?

Not really in a glass-raising mood.

We did a good thing today.

Yeah, we did.

Good evening, Sheriff.

I need you to come down to the station.

Is there a problem?

That woman and her kid you scared the crap out of over in Greensburg...

Just got off the phone with the sheriff there.

She and her boy are dead.

Jesus. How?

She drowned the kid in the bathtub, then jumped out a window ten stories up.

And I'm willing to bet there's a German shepherd in the mix somewhere.

Either you're part of a multinational gang of killers with a field office in Toronto...

Or what? You actually did buy a unicorn on Zorknoin?

Let's just say I'm not unfamiliar with events and situations that are out of the ordinary.

[clock ticking]

[heart beating]

I couldn't sleep.

Yeah, well, you're creeping me out.

You shouldn't drink so much coffee.

I should probably feed the baby.

I can't believe I just said that.

[inhaling]

[panting]

[thud]

[gasps]

Don't hurt me. Whatever you want, take it, just don't hurt me.

Please. I'm f*cking freezing!

They stop fighting, you know, when they understand it's OK to die. It's OK. Sayonara, life.

Roman...

I gotta live like this.

They don't get to die. Am I making myself clear, Dr. Pryce?

Absolutely clear. Let's just take a moment and calm down...

Do not tell me to calm down! That great big f*cking bird's coming.

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Pecking at my f*cking guts.

Make it stop, it hurts so f*cking bad.

I'll make it stop, Roman.

Will you?

I'll do anything you want. Here, keys to my car.

Take 'em, take 'em, take 'em!

The White Tower, it's yours.

I'll make it stop.

Thank you, thank you. I don't want to be this thing.

I don't want to be hungry all the time!

[Roman crying]

I have to warn you, what's on my mind has never been tried before. It might not work.

Just no more whoop, whoop, whoop.

Please, no more.

[sobbing] Please, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

You're safe now.

Don't let me be like her.

I'll take care of you.

Everything's going to be OK.

[blues rock song playing]