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Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, and Marshall and Lily were the first to visit the happy new parents.
Marshall's and Lily's friends' appartment
Marshall: So, have you guys landed on a name yet?
Stuart: We're trying, but it's tougher than you think. You see, I like "Tiffany."
Claudia: And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name.
Stuart: That's my mother's name.
Claudia: I know.
Stuart: Oh, I got it. How 'bout we name the baby after you-- "Frigid Shrew."
Claudia: Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no. Let's call her "Vodka." Then at least we know you'd hold her tight and never let her go!
Stuart: Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it.
Marshall: Stuart, you are so... That's not gonna be us, right? I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?
Lily: Right? I mean, just look at her. Yeah. She's clearly a...
Marshall: Emily.
Lily: Lisa.
Marshall: Lisa?!
Lily: Emily?!
[OPENING CREDITS]
The Bar
Marshall: Okay! I made a list of awesome baby names. Starting at the top: number one...
Ted: I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall. You name a chubby white kid "LeBron," and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.
Marshall: Then I'm also crossing off, um, "Shaquille"... Mm-hmm. "Hakeem," and "Dikembe." Hey, what about "Rob"?
Lily: "Rob"? No.
Marshall: Why not?
[FLASHBACK]
(Lily is in class)
Lily: Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make? A turkey?
(Rob puts his hand on Lily's breast)
Rob: Honka, honka!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Rob."
Marshall: um, how about "Ryan"?
Ted: Ooh.
[FLASHBACK]
(all screaming, Lily has a something stuck in her leg)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Ryan."
Marshall: "Johnny?"
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Hey, where's the goldfish?
(A child is eating the fish)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Not "Johnny." Or "Gil."
Marshall: "Jeremy."
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: Jeremy, no!
(Jeremy is throwing paint around the room)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Definitely not "Jeremy." His stuff was so derivative.
(Robin comes in and sits next to Ted)
Marshall: Well, I mean, geez, Lily.
Robin: Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby "Becky," right?
Marshall: Why? What?
Robin: Becky. My new co-anchor? Don't you guys ever watch the show?
Lily: Oh, honey, I really try.
Marshall: Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program.
Ted: I watched. Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is, so last night I checked it out.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Peace talks in the region have been described as, "productive." Becky?
Becky: (in baby voice): Last night, in Staten Island, a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint. Aww... That's so sad.
Robin: Becky, we're-we're journalists. We can't get emotional about the news, we...
Becky: Oh, no! They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! Who would do that?
Robin: Well, if you read the story, we might find out.
Becky: Oh, can I do this one, about the horse? I love horseys. Mm-hmm. Aww, the horse died. Guys! This news is all really sad.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of Becky?
Ted: Mmm... (muttering) I thought she was charming.
Robin: You, too? Can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men?
Barney: You want the long version or the short version?
Lily: Short version.
Barney: Short version. Who's your daddy?
Lily: You know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy.
Marshall: No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?
Robin: Okay, uh, let me get this straight. So, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, she is now your daughter.
Marshall: No, she is not my daughter. I'm just her daddy.
Ted: Wow. That is disgusting.
Robin: Exactly. And it's not like the opposite would work. There's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy.
Barney: Challenge accepted.
Robin: No.
Barney: I, Barney Stinson, will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy.
(all grumbling in protest)
Lily: Okay. Here's my list of baby names.
Marshall: Oh.
Lily: What about "Tara"?
Marshall: No. Not "Tara." Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. We were all, like, obsessed with her.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her... We wrote songs about her.
Marshall and his friends, singing: * Tara, your booty is so smooth; And I hope this isn't rude; But I want to get up on it. *
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Not "Tara."
Lily: What about "Esther"?
[FLASHBACK]
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Coming up on the main stage, give it up for Esther!
Marshall: Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney. That prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 10:30 in the morning. I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney: Oh, Esther gets naked. But she doesn't dance.
Marshall: Then what does she do? Sweet mother nature!
Barney: That was my card!
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther!
(explosive pop, men cheering and whistling)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Not "Esther." I need a drink. Ted? Ted?
(Marshall and Ted go away)
Ted: Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?
Marshall: Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. I don't want to think about having a girl. Tara, Esther -- can you imagine being one of those girls' dads?
(Marshall is visualizing high school boys singing a song for his daughter:
* Marshall's daughter; Your booty; Your booty's so smooth. *;
then in a club:
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter.)
He screwed up my childhood. That's why I do this.
Marshall: I have no idea how to raise a daughter! What if she makes bad choices? I mean, what if she winds up dating some... Oh, God.
Marshall's daughter: Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
Barney: Hey, bro. Thanks for making such a hottie. (weak laughter) Who's your daddy?
Marshall's daughter:You are, 'cause of all the sex we have.
(Barney chuckles salaciously)
Marshall: I don't want a girl. I just want a little boy.
Ted: It's not what it sounds like, folks.
Marshall is on a visio conference with his parents
Marshall: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Judy: Marshall? Is that you?
Marshall:Oh, okay, um... You guys, you're a little too close to the camera. Can you back up a bit?
Marvin: How's this?
Marshall: Every time. Um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? Perfect! Perfect.
Marvin: What's up, shooter?
Marshall: Um, to be honest, I'm getting a little freaked out about the idea of having a daughter. I know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. You had all boys.
Marvin: Oh, well, that was just dumb luck. Hey, honey, would you get me a brewski from out of the shed?
Judy: Sure. You want anything, Marshall?
Marshall: I'm in a computer, Mom.
Judy: Oh.
Marvin: Yeah, all boys. Total co-winky-dink. It was no co-winky-dink. Since the Viking age, the Eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. Number one, avoid lemons. They're baby girl fertilizer.
Marshall: Okay... No offense, Dad, but I doubt there's any scientific data to support--
Marvin: "I doubt there's any scientific data to support.."" I had all sons. Your grandfather had all sons. Your great-grandfather had all sons. Scoreboard! Who you gonna listen to? Me? Or "scientific data"?
Robin's work place
Robin: Members of the G-8 convened today in Vienna to discuss plans to fight climate change by re... What?
Becky: Ask me what I did yesterday.
Robin: Hey, Becky, Becky, this is our news segment, okay? Nobody cares what you did yesterday.
Becky: Lighten up, Robin. (in baby voice): What'd you do, sweetheart?
Robin: Mike!
Becky: Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people. But yesterday, I met the sweetest man, who took me on a tour of the city. (whispering) Guys, New York is kind of cool.
Robin: Okay, back to the G-8 conference. Hello? Mike, can I get in the shot? Fantastic.
Becky: Then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called MacLaren's, right underneath his apartment.
Robin:Wait-- did you go out with Ted Mosby?
Becky: Yes! Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate. I saw her bedroom. (whispering) She's a messy Bessie.
Robin:In other news, later today, a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.
The Bar
Ted: Ow!
Robin: Ted, of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?
Ted: Not what it sounds like, folks.
Robin: Ted, you know that I hate her. How could you go out on a date with this girl?
Ted: It wasn't a date. She came over to the apartment looking for you.
[FLASHBACK]
Becky: I made Robin my famous chocolate chip cookies. But instead of chocolate chips, I used gummie bears.
Ted: Aww...
Becky: (shrieks) A spider!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Let me guess: she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man.
Ted: I don't know if that's totally true.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: It's okay, little darlin'.
Becky: Poor spider.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spiders gotta die so trees can grow.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Then I held her tight and told her it was all gonna be okay. By the way, I think I only wounded the spider. It crawled off into my bedroom.
Robin: Wait. Is that why you slept on the couch last night?
Ted: (scoffing) Yeah, I slept.
Barney: I'm dying out here. Talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: (in childlike voice) Wow, lady. You got some tig ol' bitties! Gosh! Your body's a perfect... this many. (To another girl) Hi. Do you want to wrestle with our special bathing suit places? Come on!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily's and Marshall's appartment
Marshall: Mm, I just need two seconds, baby.
Lily: I know you think that's a compliment, but I'd rather you took your time.
Marshall: No, um... I'll be right back.
(Marshall goes into the bathroom et takes a box from the bathtub)
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Ancient Norse wisdom tells us that, to sire a son, you must do three things right before you lay with your maiden. First, eat pickled herring. Eat it!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: This is ridiculous. (He imagines his daughter, pregnant et in a wedding gown)
ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage, throwing her life away, give it up for Marshall's daughter!
The Bar
Barney: (little boy voice) Hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? His name's Otis. Hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string; you got the cans. (giggles) I wet myself! Will you change me? Can't blame her on that one. Guys... I have some terrible, terrible news. I, Barney Stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. Challenge forfeited.
Robin: Yeah, we don't care about this...
Ted: No one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge.
Barney: (whispers) I'm sorry.
Man: Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt? Nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing.
Barney: Challenge accept...
Ted: Wow, I'm glad that's over. It was creepy watching Barney talk like a little kid.
Robin: Oh, but you find it irresistible when Becky does? I don't get it. The Ted that I went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak knife without supervision.
Ted: For your information, Becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. Spaghetti. And more importantly, she makes me feel needed.
Robin: Needed? (scoffs) She makes training wheels feel needed.
Ted: Hey, it's nice to feel needed. And you know what? It's not a feeling guys get when they're with you.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Son... Viking lore tells us that to ensure the continuation of your noble male lineage... get a big old bowl of ice and dunk your man sack right in there!
Judy: You two and your football.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Okay. (He dunks your man sack in a big old bowl of ice) Mm-hmm.
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Now get in there, point Lily due north and make me a grandson! Eriksen!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: Eriksen!
(Marshall goes out of the bathroom)
The Bar
Robin: When we were dating, I... I didn't make you feel needed?
Ted: Come on! You always took charge of everything.
[FLASHBACK]
(Ted takes the pizza and is going to pay for it when Robin arrives)
Robin: I got this.
Ted: Thanks.
(Later, on the couch)
Ted: This okay? Am I hurting y...
Robin: I got this. Whoa!
(Later)
Ted: Someone's trying to break in-- call the cops.
(Robin comes out of the room, a gun in her hand)
Robin: I got this.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Did that really bother you?
Ted: Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed. Look, I'm sorry. (phone chimes) I didn't mean to upset you. It's Becky. Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.
Robin: I got this.
Ted: Yeah.
Lily's ans Marshall's bedroom
Marshall: (goofy voice) Let's make a baby!
Lily: Whoa! Baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.
Marshall: Loving the dirty talk-- but you know what's even hotter? If we face this-a-way. Ooh, we're bad.
Lily: Wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? You're trying to make us have a boy.
Marshall: I... can ex... How do you know about the north thing? Um, um... And what are you doing with those lemons?
[FLASHBACK]
Marvin: Baby girl fertilizer!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Marshall: You're trying to make us have a girl! You are trying to make us have a girl.
Lily: All my least favorite students have been boys. So I Googled "how to make a girl some really weird stuff came up but finally, I found this conception Web site that said you should point south at the moment of conception... eat a lemon......and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. (blow-dryer whooshing) Ooh... ah... Oh, that's not bad.
Marshall: Lily, how could you do... exactly the same thing I did? You're supposed to be the sane one.
Lily: See that? Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. That's why girls are way better than boys.
Marshall: Oh, really. Well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie it's always a little girl? Or twin girls, who speak... (eerily): in unison.
Lily: Oh, well, what about Chucky?
Marshall: Okay, A) He was a doll; B) He was possessed by an adult serial killer; and C) How could you bring up Chucky right before bed?
Robin is at Barney's door
Robin: Hey.
Barney: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did... did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.
Barney: Wait, where are you... That's a compliment. You are the least needy woman I've ever met-- that's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky. You're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman I've ever banged.
Robin: Thanks, Barney. You know, um... there's something that I wanted to ask you, and I don't really know how to say it so... here goes. Who's the crazy chick in the apron?
Woman: (baby voice) Someone naughty left his toys on the floor and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.
Barney: (baby voice): Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble."
Woman: You did it? How?
Barney: Last night, after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.
[FLASHBACK]
(Barney is eating an icecream at the bar)
Woman: Mmm, that looks so good. Can I have some?
Barney: No! It's my ice cream; you can't have any.
Woman:(baby voice) Someone needs to teach you how to share. Who's your mommy?
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Challenge completed! (chuckles) Now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? I'm really scared.
Robin: I got this.
At Stuart's and Claudia's
Lily: Oh, so you finally agreed on a name?
Claudia: Uh, well,vthe other night she ran a really high fever.
[FLASHBACK]
(Stuart and Claudia are taking their girl to the hospital)
Stuart: We rushed her to the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't admit her without a name. Right then and there, we realized how stupid we were being.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Claudia: We looked at each other and, well, we just knew. Our baby's name is... Esther.
Marshall: Esther? That's beautiful.
Lily is throwing the lemons
Lily: We're idiots.
Marshall: Baby, names and gender, it's just, like... it's some way of giving ourselves the illusion that we have any control whatsoever. I- I just want a healthy, happy, 12-pound--
Lily: Whoa.
Marshall: Ten-pound? Eight-pound?
Lily: I guess, but, dude, you're writing checks my vagina can't cash.
Marshall: I love you. And I'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have.
Lily: Me, too.
Marshall: You know what? We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. Like, um...
Marshall & Lily: Jamie.
Lily: Marshall... we just named our baby. Jamie.
The Bar
Lily: Not Jamie.
(Lily leaves the bar. She has two hand prints on her ass)
Ted is offering an ice cream to Becky
Ted: Shoe's untied. I got it. Yeah, this is over.
[END]
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