NARRATOR: Kids, Barney and Robin's wedding turned out to be a life-changing weekend for all of us. Well, not just us.

One ticket to Farhampton, please.

NARRATOR: But I'll get to that.

(horn honks)

Who are you honking at? You.

You're going 40 in a 65.

Pick it up, Grandma!

Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s, but I'm gonna need a hand... or two.

Oh, no. Not the driving gloves.

In 99.9% of highway accidents, the driver was not wearing gloves.

Because they're stupid.

They don't help you drive better.

That's why no one wears them.

Then why is it called... the glove compartment?

I am not having this argument again.

Now, as you know, a Mosby road trip is not only safe, but informative.

Chiggedy-check it.

Manhattan to Farhampton: Lil' and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

That baby's stuffed to the rings with fun facts about our unsung neighbor to the east-- Long Island.

For instance, just up ahead, the historic childhood home of Florian van Otterloop, the Dutch bucklesmith who revolutionized the belt industry.

Uh, fun story about that color-blind genius.

When he... Please stop!

Well, I was just gonna slow down for pictures, but that level of enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x01 ♪

The Locket

Original Air Date on September 23, 2013

(phone chimes)

Hmm.

Oh, look at my little cousins in their flower girl dresses.

Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.

Yeah.

Wait, you said ring bear-er, right?

Ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Ring bear.

Are you planning some crazy stunt with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding?

(phone chirps)

Because...

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, boy.

My brother wants to know what time he "goes on" at the reception.

What does that mean?

Every wedding he attends, James insists on... performing.

♪ Islands in the stream

♪ That is what we are

♪ No one in between...

So? What do you got against K-Rodge?

Everybody loves

The Gambler.

Wait for it.

♪ How can we be wrong?

♪ Sail away with me to another world ♪

♪ And we rely on each other, uh-huh! ♪

That is nothing.

I have invited Scherbatskys from all over Canada, and they are Canuckin' nuts.

Like my cousin Ruth from the Yukon.

I don't like to encourage Canadian stereotypes, but that woman practically rides a moose.

(laughs)

Does she actually ride a moose?

Yeah.

And, uh, I'm worried she'll bring it to the wedding.

She and the moose are... very close.

Whoa.

Every wedding's got a wild card, but we've invited a whole set.

(accordion playin,[/i] gWedding March")

Someone is gonna ruin this wedding.

It's just a question of... who.

I'm gonna ruin this wedding!

My wife is gonna kill me!

PILOT: Flight attendants prepare for departure.

We were gonna move to Italy for her dream job, so I brought my son here to Minnesota to see my mom before we left.

And then I got offered a job as a judge in New York City, which is my dream.

But that'll totally destroy her dream!

You are destroying a lot of dreams right now.

(phone chimes)

(chuckles)

Wait.

If I got this...

(phone chimes)

(sighs)

Aren't you gonna check that?

No.

It-It's just another obnoxious update from Marshall's mom.

She's been posting these "cute" baby pics of Marvin, but it's all just propaganda.

First, it wa,[/i] sDon't move to Italy."

Followed by an extremely subtle

guilt trip.

And then, randomly preachy.

Nah, not looking.

It's just gonna piss me off.

Why are we exiting again?

Well, if you turn in your binder to the section labele,[/i] dMennonite Windmills..."

Get back on the expressway now.

(scoffs)

The expressway's for gloveless amateurs.

I'm done.

There's a train station coming up; just drop me off.

Okay, but some newfangled train's not gonna stop at the 40-foot-tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!

Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops, at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!

You're a 21st-century toilet!

(gasps)

Train now!

Fine!

Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards, not counting the ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Oh, oh, here's another one.

You know how I found out that I'm one-quarter Canadian but I've completely blocked that out because your nation's ridiculous and I'm awesome?

Sure.

Well, turns out, I have a crazy cousin Mitch on that side of the family.

That's funny.

I have a crazy cousin Mitch, too.

But I guarantee he is crazier than yours.

He built his own house from timber he chopped down from other people's houses.

That's funny.

My cousin Mitch is a lumberjack.

Except mine has six fingers.

On one hand or total?

Total.

Are truckers always beating him up?

Yes, because he has to...

BOTH: ...hitchhike with his middle finger.

Wait.

Is it possible that we're...

Could... c-could... could we be...?

Shh...

Ranjit, could you be a dear and pull over for a second?

Pulling over!

(both chuckle weakly)

(both retching)

All right, train.

Let's show your critics you're not just a Dumpster on wheels full of drunk idiots.

CONDUCTOR: We're being held at this station until further notice.

I got to sober up.

(phone ringing)

Eriksen residence, Judy speaking.

Why did you post that judge photo?

Because I'm guilty... of being one proud mama!

Lily doesn't know that I took the job, so if she sees it, I'm dead.

Just take it down, okay?

Fine.

Let me just get on the online so I can Internet.

I love the lingo!

(modem screeching)

Look, Mom, just-just... click on the photo on your wall, and then under "menu"" click on "options""

Some kind of advertisement popped on.

Oh, my.

That appears to be pornography.

Just click on "options""

(whispering): It's men with other men.

(whispering loudly): Just click on "options"!

Excuse me!

Are there any other seats left on this plane?

No.

Hell, I've been going to Pilates.

I can just hang on to the landing gear like this.

Sorry, ma'am.

I only signed up for Pilates, I haven't actually started going yet.

I didn't sign up.

LILY: No, I'm not looking.

I don't need to see my child used against me.

My sweet, beautiful child who I haven't seen in a week... whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops, and why are trains so lonely?!

Damn it, I'm looking!

WOMAN: Hey, are you okay?

You look stressed.

Plus, you muttered a few words out loud.

I heard "lonely" and "unicorn," which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you.

Are you okay?

No.

But there's nothing you can do.

Do you want a cookie?

(crying): Yes.

Yes, I do.

Wow.

You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train.

I like how trusting you are.

There could be drugs or poison in there.

But there's not, is there?

No idea, I found them under my seat.

No!

Kidding! Sorry!

You looked stressed, so I thought you could use a cookie, then I thought you could use a joke.

I should have stopped at the cookie.

You know what?

I don't care if these are poisoned.

There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.

I call them "Sumbitches"!

(laughing)

NARRATOR: And that's how Lily met your mother.

Are Cousin Mitch and I directly related?

No, Mom, I'm asking is Cousin Mitch a blood relative?

I'm not asking about Cousin Pete, I'm asking about Cousin Robin!

Mitch!

Cousin Mitch!

Well, just find out from Uncle Frank and call me back!

Well, then, go visit Cousin Cecil at his sky-diving school and ask him!

Oh, God, he did?

Well, I guess that can happen no matter how experienced you are.

I'm so sorry.

(exhales)

My Cousin Cecil got fired.

(sighs): Oh.

That's a relief. He was so distraught he jumped off the bridge. He's dead.

Um... I'm so sorry for your loss.

It may be our loss.

(both shudder)

Just click on "options"!

All I see is a man holding a bratwurst!

Oh.

No, the pornography's back.

I said, please turn off all electronic devices.

Oh. (laughs)

This isn't an electronic device.

This is actually a toy.

For my son.

We call it Phone-y.

(scoffs)

I call you phony.

We can't take off till you hang up.

Okay, enough. Give me that phone!

Just click on "options"

I don't see it!

I said, give me the phone!

Just click on "options"!

Stop yelling at me!

Just click on "options""

Give me the phone.

Click on "options"!

Click on... I have a baby!

Please, I-I have to get to New York.

Yeah, well, you should have thought about that before you attacked me.

All right, boys, you got this?

Good.

Let's get this bird in the air. Ah, you're both banned from this flight.

So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he',[/i] sThe Road Trip Master."

He has leather driving gloves.

Who wears those?

Huge dorks, that's who.

NARRATOR: Your mother was lying.

She had her own pair.

And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction no one except him gives a crap about.

Nerd alert.

NARRATOR: Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our road trip to Disney World so your mother didn't miss that goat in South Carolina who could blow smoke rings.

And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.

That would drive me crazy.

I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.

NARRATOR: It was "Lady Tedwina Slowsby."

And it worked.

Okay, look, if it's true, if we are...

(gags softly)

You know.

It's really not that big a deal.

Okay, we-we know we won't have kids.

And even if we did, King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister, and he was a fair and wise leader.

Yeah. Look, no one ever needs to know but us.

Exactly.

(both chuckle)

I know.

BARNEY: We might have to...

ROBIN: Take care of Ranjit.

Hey, you just finished my...

Creepy telepathic murder thought.

Oh, it must be a soul mate thing.

Unless... it's a weird cousin thing.

(gags softly)

So we'll be good either way, right?

Honey?

That's right... sweetie.

Now, get over here, you.

Gah, just try and stop me.

Aw. Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Well, I can't wait till tonight.

I have got some naughty-naughty-naughty things planned.

Aw.

Oh, wow, you have certainly piqued my incest.

Interest. Interest!

I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home of some stupid bucklesmith no one's ever even heard of.

Yeah, who cares about Florian van Otterloop?

I never told you his name.

Sumbitch?

I mean, why'd he have to act that way?

He knows I hate how he gets on road trips.

It almost seems like he wanted you to storm off.

But we're going to the same place.

There's no reason why he'd want to ditch me.

NARRATOR: And suddenly Lily remembered that a week ago, I'd helped Robin look for her long-lost locket.

But it was gone.

Then Lily told me the locket actually got stashed in my pencil box, but when I opened it... the locket wasn't there.

Good.

'Cause that locket's trouble.

How? It's-it's just a friendly, innocent wedding gift.

It's not innocent.

Ted, you think if you can get that locket for Robin you'll win her back.

Lily, I've let it go.

I mean... What?

There's, like, a one percent chance that Stella has the locket from when we lived together.

Promise me you didn't call the woman who left you at the altar so that you could find that locket.

Of course not.

I e-mailed her.

Ted.

But Stella's living in L.A. now.

And even if she has it, it's buried in some storage unit.

She said I'd have to fly out there and look for it myself.

Promise me you aren't about to do that.

I promise.

Sumbitch!

You better hope when Sweaty finally gets off that phone, he can get me on the next flight to New York.

I got the password from my mom.

I'm gonna take that photo down myself.

You know, I don't give a damn about your photo.

My daughter is giving a big speech for the Model U.N. at her school, and I'm gonna miss it because of you.

(sighs)

Her father and I are separated.

She lives with her dad.

And if I don't make it... she's never gonna trust me again.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, that worked on you?

Let's hope Pit Stains is as dumb as you are.

What? Why is this so hard for my mom?

All you do is you click the photo, and then you click on the...

I don't see... I don't see "options."

Just click on "options."

But where is it?

Just click on "options."

Is it up on the toolbar?

Just click on "options." It's not there!

Just click on "options"!

(phone ringing)

Hi, Grandma.

You-you can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?

Explain, Grandma, explain!

Okay, he married Barney's dad's cousin Renee, who he met selling Vachon cakes outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.

English, Grandma, English!

And on our side of the family, he was adopted because his real parents were eaten alive by their sled dogs?

That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma.

(both sigh)

So...

So you and I share no DNA whatsoever.

Let's change that.

(both moaning)

RANJIT: Don't hold back.

This divider is totally soundproof.

Go all the way.

Wait till the hotel?

Totally.

Hey, you know what?

I'm not worried about a wild card at our wedding anymore.

Whether it's Uncle Vic or Aunt Shelly or the ring bear.

Ring bear-er. Er.

Whether any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding is gonna be legendary.

No "wait for it"?

I've got you.

I don't have to wait for it anymore.

(phone ringing)

(line ringing)

It's a long story, but if we don't beat my friend out to that wedding, it's gonna be bad.

This is too stressful. I-I need to see Marvin!

No! You made me promise not to let you look, because it's only gonna upset you.

Here, have another sum... bitch.

No more sumbitches?!

Give me the damn phone!

(both scream)

(clamoring) Just go to "edit" on the toolbar!

No, "account settings"!

Just click on "options"!

Stop!

It can't be done.

That photo is etched in eternity.

Long after humanity's reign has ended, the only traces of our civilization found by Earth's new ape masters will be the top of the Statue of Liberty and this photo of me pretending to be a judge with a banana gavel.

Well, they'll probably like the banana thing.

The ape masters?

Sorry. Lily's gonna see it, and we're gonna have the biggest fight of our lives.

(chuckles) Oh, I wish I could see your wife kick your ass.

I don't mean a physical fight.

She's not an animal.

I'm sorry I tried to bite you.

I'm sorry that I swatted you on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.

It's the only way I'll learn.

Look, I haven't seen my baby in a week.

You know what?

Go for it.

It's gone!

It's gone!

(all cheering)

You did it!

You did it! (laughs)

No new insulting Marvin photo.

Hmm.

(voice breaks): No new insulting Marvin photo.

I know I'm just a stranger on a train who you tried to bite, but... do you want a hug?

(Lily yells)

Lily! What the hell?!

Ted and I had some road trip issues.

Did he put on the gloves? Mm-hmm.

That tackle was justified.

What's this? It's for you.

Don't open it.

TED: With all the big changes coming up, I just wanted Robin to remember her friends.

We all want nothing but happiness for you and Barney.

Right, Lily?

Right.

Oh, wow.

That was, what, eight years ago?

Yeah.

Eight years.

Thanks, Ted.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get checked in.

Marshall's flight just took off.

My boys will be here soon.

Oh, yay.

NARRATOR: Actually, Lily's boys were just learning there was only one more flight out to New York with one seat left, and it was all the way across the airport.

You're not gonna tackle me again, are you?

I'm the maid of honor.

There's a good chance that won't be my only tackle of the weekend.

NARRATOR: It wasn't.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just got it in my head that you somehow managed to track down that locket in Los Angeles, and now you were gonna blow up the wedding.

You really think I'm that crazy?

(sighs)

I guess that's fair.

Look, even though I was wrong, tell me you aren't thinking about doing anything insane this weekend.

Of course not.

NARRATOR: And all I can say, kids, is at that moment, I really thought I meant it.

But the truth is... you never know who's gonna be the wild card at a wedding.

Hi. One ticket to Los Angeles, please.

NARRATOR: That afternoon at the Farhampton Inn, Aunt Lily and I tried to check in.

Are you chewing gum?

You never chew gum.

You shouldn't chew gum in here.

Nobody cares if I chew gum, Ted.

Are you chewing gum?

Yes, she is. She's chewing gum.

Ooh, can I have a piece?

Of course! Great.

Thank you.

Okay, let's chew some gum and get you guys all checked in.

Ms. Aldrin, how many keys will you need?

Two, please.

My husband's getting in later.

Excellent, and Mr. Mosby?

Uh, just one, please.

Oh, oh, I-I see.

Oh.

Well, hang in there.

You'll find somebody.

Thank you, front desk stranger.

I'm sorry, we just... we just don't get a lot of singles here.

I mean, look at this place.

It's so romantic.

Countless babies conceived within these walls.

And one... grisly murder.

Now, are you sure that you wouldn't feel more comfortable staying at a motel?

What? No, look.

I'm not some miserable, lonely person.

Tell him, Lily.

It's a tough weekend for him.

Bro.

We're here for a wedding. Ouch.

And he used to date the bride. Ooh, mama.

And he's the best man. Devastating.

Could you please just check us in?

Oh, your rooms aren't gonna be ready for hours.

But in the meantime, Ms. Aldrin, I definitely think you and your husband should check out the lighthouse.

It's a beautiful view of the bay-- so romantic.

Oh, wow.

Here's the channel guide for the TV.

Don't listen to him, Ted.

(phone ringing)

You are not alone.

In fact, this whole weekend, it is going to be nothing but me and...

Marshall!

Oh, thank God, you're on your way.

If I had to be here alone, I would kill myself.

How are you doing?

I'm fine... Curtis.

I mean, let's do the math here.

One "best man" plus on,[/i] eno girlfriend" equals...

"Mothers of Farhampton, lock up your daughters!"

Double guns!

(imitating gunshots)

Wow, you're in bad shape.

Marshall missed his flight.

He might not get here tonight.

He might not get here at all.

We... only have a few of these left.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x02 ♪

Coming Back

Original Air Date on September 23, 2013

Hi...

Linus.

Here's how this goes down.

If I'm going to make it through this weekend without my husband, I need you to hook a lady up.

Any time you see me without a drink in my hand, you put a drink in my hand.

Are you my guy, Linus?

So you want the Kennedy Package?

Bingo.

(phone rings)

Go for Barney.

Ah.

Thank you Linus.

Barney, before you get too upset, there's another flight that leaves in five minutes.

You're getting on it. I'm gonna try.

There is no try!

You're getting on that plane.

Hey, growth spurt.

If there is only one seat left on this plane, I will fight you for it.

And I'm a biter.

Marshall, whoever that is, grab her carry-on and throw it into a restricted area.

I'm serious. Do it. Do it now.

What? No.

Barney, are you...?

No, I'm not gonna...

That's... No.

There is n,[/i] oWhat, no, Barney, are you, no I'm not gonna, that's no!"

This is a holiday weekend.

You're not gonna get to New York by being nice.

So you're gonna have to lose the whole Midwestern aw-shucksy-doodles thing...

Shucksy doodles?

...and act like a New Yorker.

A pushy, obnoxious, knock-the-other-guy-down-and-take-his-hot-dog resident of the greatest city on earth!

No can do, Barney.

I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty of hot dogs for everyone.

Perhaps even too many.

But listen, I'm gonna get to New York without being a jerk.

Just get to New York!

I'll get to New York!

Nobody's getting to New York.

Not this weekend anyway.

There's a big storm rolling up the East Coast.

All the airports are closing.

My advice is rent a car and drive.

But you better hurry.

They're gonna run out of cars soon.

(groans)

Okay, listen.

If we're both going to New York, why don't we rent a car, split the drive?

That seems like a reasonable plan.

Can I help you with that diaper bag?

Sure. Thank you. Oh, it's...

Have a nice bus ride, pumpkin head!

(panting)

Hey, lady.

Yeah, you just threw away your ticket to a really great road trip.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

You're all the way back there, and I'm all the way up here.

(laughing)

Oh, you can hear me.

Get ready to be driving the jealous-mobile because our car is gonna have games, snacks, a James Patterson audio book my mother describes a,[/i] scluttering her glove box."

Your car? I'll be in Pittsburgh before you get your car.

We'll see about that.

And if you're going to New York, you're not gonna want to go through Pittsburgh.

94 backs up around Allentown, so you're gonna want to stick on 80.

Jerk face!

Come on, universe.

I'm a nice guy.

Send me a miracle.

NARRATOR: And then the universe sent your Uncle Marshall...

Herm.

Okay, people, let's move it along. What do you want?

You want a car? You got a car. Beat it.

What kind of car do you want?

Too slow, you get a minivan.

Next. Ah, midsize sedan.

Incoming. Next.

Yes! You want a gas option?

Nobody wants a gas option. Get out of here.

Next.

Hello. I need a car.

You've got it. That's all of them.

We're all out of cars, everybody.

Wait, no!

You let this guy beat you?

Ma'am, it's not a race.

That right there is why you lost.

Maybe this is your fault.

Did you ever think of that?

Maybe if you had just been a little bit nicer, then you would be the one driving this lovely...

What kind of car is it?

NARRATOR: Now, kids, I don't remember the actual name of this car, but to an environmentalist like Marshall, this car was a monstrosity.

2006 Monstrosity.

♪ Monstrosity

♪ 'Cause global warming's not real. ♪

Oh, no, not a Monstrosity.

I'll take it. I can't drive that.

I can. Give me the Monstrosity.

Do you have anything else? I'll take the Monstrosity.

There's nothing else. Give me the keys, old man!

It's just so freaking huge!

Well, actually it's a Monstrosity Sport, so it's a little smaller.

♪ Monstrosity Sport

♪ It's still freaking huge.

Fine. I'll take it.

But I'm also gonna need a baby seat.

We're all out of baby seats. Get out of here.

Oh, my God... what am I gonna do?

I don't care.

(groans)

Can I make a suggestion?

I rent the car, then I go buy the car seat, come back here, pick you guys up, and then the three of us drive to New York together.

(laughs quietly)

Let me get this straight.

So, you're gonna rent the car, go and get a baby seat for my son, and then drive all the way back here to pick me up.

That's right.

Well, then you're gonna need some cash. Here.

Hundred bucks ought to cover it.

So, we'll see you soon.

You got it, Michael! Marshall.

Doesn't matter now, does it?

Remember this day, Marvin.

Not only is this the day that we either saw Prince or a... a really flamboyantly dressed greyhound, it's also the day that your dad chose not to be a jerk... and put his trust in humanity.

Just watch where it gets us.

Shucksy-doodles!

NARRATOR: Uncle Marshall was just about ready to abandon his faith in humanity.

But let's back up a little bit.

And now the true tale of the Stinson Curse.

BARNEY: Moscow, 1807.

(Russian accent): What a wonderful night at the opera.

Wouldn't you agree, Comrade Barnovski?

(Russian accent): I would indeed, Comrade Jamesokoff.

But you know what made it truly wonderful?

Being here with my wife... the beet in my borscht, the fur on my hat, the only person I've ever been attracted to, ever.

I feel the same way about Kyle... my plutonic friend from work.

(clattering)

Is it just me, or did that feel like we hit an old Gypsy woman?

Yep. Old Gypsy woman.

Good call, Barnovski. Oh, well, she's just a peasant.

Home, Smirnoff.

Wait, she's saying somethink!

(low, deep moan)

Hornier.

Hornier.

Hornier?

Sonobovich!

Did she just put a curse on us?

Eh, nonsense, brother.

Okay, let's go, Smirnoff.

Smirnoff?

Homina, hominovich. Mmm, Smirnoff, I would climb you like the Kremlin Wall.

What's happening to me?

Don't you see? You're getting hornier, brother, just like the old Gypsy woman said!

Oh, hello there.

(chuckles) Ever had a White Russian?

BARNEY: For the next 200 years, every male member of the Stinson family was afflicted by the Gypsy's curse, an unquenchable thirst for booty that no committed relationship

could ever satisfy.

That is, until my brother James met his husband Tom.

The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever, freeing me from the shackles of having sex with lots of different women.

Although, sometimes Robin and I still use the shackles.

Bondage five!

Whoa. I can't, I can't, I can't.

(phone rings)

Go for Barney!

Ah.

Thank you, Linus.

This is worse than I thought.

I know. Showtime, no HBO?

JAMES: No.

Tom and I are getting divorced.

What? TED: What?

That's why you look extra handsome.

I do get extra hot when I'm single.

Your skin looks amazing.

Looks amazing. I know.

So... so what happened? Why-why'd you guys break up?

Well, the thing to remember is that when something like this happens, it's nobody's fault.

You cheated on him. Repeatedly.

I thought about keeping it quiet, but then I realized, wouldn't my family want me to be honest with them about news this big?

Oh, can I just say five things?

What is the matter with... sorry, six-- you?!

Ooh! What?!

I'm-I'm sorry about you and Tom, but you can't just drop a bombshell like this so close to someone's wedding.

You broke the curse. You and Tom are the only couple that makes Barney believe in marriage.

(chuckles) Really? The only couple?

I mean, no one else comes to mind?

Been together 17 years?

She's a spunky redhead, he's got calves that launched a thousand lady boners?

BARNEY: Hey, sorry about that.

Hey, did you guys know that Sunday is James' and Tom's anniversary?

How cool is that?

We're anniversary bros!

Every year, we should go out and celebrate... just the two of us.

Listen, bro, you...

I know, I know, "Please, Barney, you don't have to get us an anniversary gift this year."

You get them an anniversary gift?

Why shouldn't I? They're the one couple that makes me believe marriage is possible.

I mean, I'm sitting right here.

Thank you, Linus.

JAMES: Barney, the thing is...

Cover your ears and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Why?

It's for the bride.

Oh, it's for... (humming)

Okay, listen, James, my cousin Vince is a Mountie.

His girlfriend is back home, but he gets gay at weddings.

He's yours. I am giving you Vince.

Just please, don't tell Barney.

If he finds out that the only successful marriage in his life is over...

I hate everyone at this table.

...it'll spook him.

I don't want him getting spooked.

Robin, have some faith.

Do you really think what you and Barney have is that fragile?

I don't want to find out.

Fine.

Thanks, baby.

No sweat. Mmm...

So, James, seriously, where's Tom?

He can't make the wedding.

He had his wisdom teeth out.

Ugh! On top of a divorce?

That is rough.

Uh-oh.

What is she talking about?

Tom and I are getting a divorce.

Excuse me.

Vince... off the table.

What was that? I don't know.

It just came out.

That's it. It's barely even noon.

You're cut off.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Okay, but after that one, you're cut off!

No! No, you are not doing this. Step away from the desk.

What are you talking about?

You just found out about James and Tom, and it totally freaked you out, and now you're asking this guy to point you in the direction of the nearest, dirtiest strip club.

Oh, well, that-that's a tough one.

Uh, the nearest one that's-that's kind of dirty is The Sand Box, but the, uh... the dirtiest one that's nearby is The Crab Shed.

Dude.

Sorry. Uh, but hey, if-if you do go, maybe you could take Ted.

I'm really worried about that kid.

No, Robin, I am not going to a strip club.

Especially right now.

Could you imagine the day shift at The Crab Shed?

Robin...

I came to the desk to get this.

Is that the key to our room?

It's the key to James's room.

Oh, my.

What is that?

It's an erotic cake.

I wanted to surprise them for their anniversary.

Is that... is that James and Tom?

Mmm, caramel marzipan, chocolate marzipan.

I love chocolate marzipan.

So does Tom. Used to anyway.

This is, uh, absolutely the, uh... the weirdest thing anyone has ever done for their sibling.

I love you so much.

You thought I was gonna freak out.

Well, I mean, a Gypsy cursed your family to become hornier and do awesome guitar solos.

Can you blame me?

Look, am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce?

Obviously. But I don't need them to make me believe in true love anymore.

I've got you for that now.

Mmm.

Oh, man, now I gotta figure out what to do with all this stuff.

Well, before we do that... um, would it be all right if I nibbled on your brother's Ding Dong?

How about we nibble on my brother's Ding Dong together?

I'd like that.

NARRATOR: So, they cleaned all that stuff

out of there and had a talk with James.

And Barney didn't freak out, because here's the thing, kids.

When you believe in people, people come through.

Just so we're clear, I pick the music.

Of course.

Say it.

Say, "Daphne picks the music."

Daphne picks the music.

And you pay for gas.

Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much gas this thing takes?

(engine revs)

No, no, okay!

Okay, I pay for gas.

Good. Now, get in.

It's a long ride to Phoenix.

Say what?

(laughs)

I'm just kidding.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

This must be the singles table.

(chuckles)

Guess it is.

Well, it's kind of nice to be asking this question instead of answering it for a change: How are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm trying to be happy for my brother, but, uh... I guess a person has a different perspective on weddings when he knows what's down there at the end of the aisle.

It's not all champagne and frosting.

Mr. Stinson, your room is ready.

And, Ted... she's right around the corner.

Thank you, Curtis.

I feel it, too.

No, no, no, the-the housekeeper.

She's in the room that's right around the corner from yours.

Oh. So another hour, tops.

Sure.

Okay, see you later, Ted.

You're not giving up, James.

And neither am I.

(footsteps approach)

TED: Hey, beautiful.

Hi.

God, you look great.

What? Come on.

You do!

I've been in a car all morning.

I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra.

I'm disgusting.

Yeah, I saw you do that. And it was super hot. Come here.

(chuckles) You come here. Come here.

No, you come here. Come here.

Hey, you want to hear something funny?

Mm-hmm.

One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table right in that seat.

Oh, yeah. I can see it.

Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword, probably being all showboat-y about it.

I wasn't being showboat-y about it.

"Vesuvius"! Boo-yah!

Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.

The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself right at this table.

THE MOTHER: What was the promise?

BOTH TEDS: I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you.

Wait a second. Hold it.

One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.

I know, but I knew I would.

And now it's a year later.

And here I am.

Here you are.

Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.

Yeah.

You picked a real winner, Mosby.

I did.

Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms?

It was like this last year.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

Sorry that took so long.

Please... try to enjoy your stay.

I will.

Try to.

I will enjoy my stay.

Try.

Not gonna try.

Just... just gonna do it.

Good for you.

Not good for me.

No, just-just neutral for me.

Attaboy. No, at not a boy.

It gets better.

I am fine, Curtis. Okay?

I enjoy and appreciate the happiness of other people whether I am in a relationship or not. Okay? Curtis?

So just-just... just go ahead and give me my one key because I am fine.

Oh, come on! I need another drink.