Michael & Maria

"Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple."

MAX: So did you and Maria officially break up?
MICHAEL: I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any. Let's grab a burger.

He said it in SH

ISABEL: What is this?

MICHAEL: Uh, school project.

ISABEL: Huh. Whose blood is this? Is this Jesse's blood? Are you testing his blood now?

MICHAEL: And he passed! Because I knew he would pass. I told Max-

ISABEL: Max is in on this?

Michael's just so bad at trying to cover things up - it's adorable

Michael: Well, knowing what I know about alien sex he's gonna have questions after the honeymoon.

***

Michael: Let's go scuba diving.
Max: Are you serious?
Michael: When else? You gotta seize the moment, Max.
Max: I've gotta get back home.
Michael: There'll be plenty of time for intense brooding moments with Liz later.
Max: We were just almost obliterated by an alien killer.
Michael: Which is why we need to chill.
Max: Chill?
Michael: Exactly, chill. See some stingrays.
Max: You're really serious about this.
Michael: Yeah.

Micheal: Where are you going?
Maria: Santa Fe.
Micheal: Maria, where are you going?
Maria: Michael.
Micheal: Liz doesn't want us to know because she and Max are at war, so here's the thing: I'm not going to tell Max, but I need to know, because if wherever you're going turns out to be dangerous, I'm sure as hell gonna be there to protect you. So, where are you going?

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Michael: I'm not completely emotionally retarded. I have feelings.

Michael: Look, Laurie, I know a lot of people think you're pretty crazy. But the truth is, knowing everything you've been through, you seem pretty normal to me. I just want you to know that whatever you are to me - a sister, a cousin, whatever - you're the only family I've ever known, and I just found you. I don't... I don't want to let you go. I know you're scared to death of me, but... if you could find some way to trust me... I mean, I got all kinds of faults. And this one over here, you know [gestures to Maria] she can list them off for you if you want later on, but... the one thing I am is loyal. I will not turn my back on you. That's all I got to say. I don't know.

Micheal: The thing I've realized is the fact that my life basically sucks is a good thing. It's easier. We always have to be able to leave, pack a suitcase, go somewhere else. Maybe 10 years from now, maybe a week from now, maybe tomorrow. So my advice? Don't get in too deep, Maximillian. It only makes us weaker.

Michael - "Well I hate to tell you this, Max, but when I have urges, you're not exactly the first person I think about."

"Mud."