Scene: The apartment

Leonard: I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.

Sheldon: That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.

Leonard: Why would you say that?

Sheldon: You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.

Sheldon: Good.

Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.

Sheldon: Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?

Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

Leonard: You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.

Sheldon: There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.

Sheldon: What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

Leonard: That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this.

Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

Leonard: Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement.

Sheldon: You pick that up right now.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

Leonard: I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.

Sheldon: Where are you going?

Leonard: To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard.

Sheldon: Crazy bastard?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Leonard, wait.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: Dobby the elf dies in book seven.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Raj: Here you go.

Howard: Great. Come on in.

Raj: What, you don’t say thank you?

Howard: It’s my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.

Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle. So, is everyone from Bernadette’s company going to Vegas?

Howard: No, just me, her and a couple of the big wigs. It’s part of a bonus she got.

Raj: Cool. Did she discover a cure for something?

Howard: Not exactly. They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.

Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?

Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie’s idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.

Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: Hey, I got a favour to ask.

Raj: Sure.

Howard: My mom’s been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.

Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There’s nothing funny about morbid obesity.

Howard: She’s huge. It was funny. Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you could check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she’s doing okay.

Raj: Dude, I’m a single man. Saturday night is my party night.

Howard: Really? What do you got going on?

Raj: I don’t know, maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.

Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callender’s, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.

Raj:What time should I be at your mother’s?

Howard: I told her around seven.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.

Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.

Leonard: Well, I’ve had it. I am done. I can’t, I can’t live with him for one more minute.

Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?

Leonard: I was thinking here with you.

Penny: Oh.

Leonard: That a problem?

Penny: No, not at all. No, it’s, it’s great. It’s terrific. I, you know, I just can’t help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how’s he going to get by without you? Ernie.

Leonard: He’s got Amy now.

Penny: Yeah, he does, but it’s not the same.

Leonard: Why?

Penny: Um, well, um, all right. You, you know how in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ron didn’t abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron’s sister?

Leonard: Harry and Ginny get together?

Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert. My point is, as much as I want to live with you, I can’t do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.

Leonard: Please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his, his stooge, his doormat.

Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain’t broke.

Leonard: Wow. It sounds to me like you don’t want us to live together.

Penny: No. No, no, I do. I do. It’s just, I mean, it’s a really big step.

Leonard: Is it? We’re together all the time. Financially, it makes great sense. Can you think of one reason why we shouldn’t do this?

Penny: Well, um, I’m just a little thirsty.

Leonard: Yeah.

Penny: I got nothing.

Leonard: Great. I’ll go get my stuff.

Penny: Yeah. Okay, all right, don’t freak out. You can make this work.

Leonard: Oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine.

Penny: Oh, please let some of it be Xanax.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you ready for dessert?

Raj: No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I’m going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I’m a fireman rescuing an infant.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, please. You’re a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.

Raj: Well, I, I really couldn’t. But, uh, I’ve had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you’ve had removed from your body over the years. Didn’t know you could have a cyst inside another cyst.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls. Well, if you have to go, how about I put a little doggie bag together for you?

Raj: That would be lovely. Thank you. (Sound of crying) Mrs. Wolowitz, uh, are you okay?

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Don’t mind me. I just cry when I’m lonely and have nothing to live for.

Raj: I, uh, I suppose I could stay for some dessert.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Great. You like chocolate chip cheesecake?

Raj: Sure.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’ll make one.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.

Amy: Children’s toy.

Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s.

Amy: Children’s toy.

Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

Amy: So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward?

Sheldon: Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

Amy: No.

Sheldon: Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

Amy: Like a dog-boy.

Sheldon: Exactly.

Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

Amy: Great. Here I am!

Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?

Amy: Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate?

Sheldon: Um…

Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?

Sheldon: Um…

Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea.

Sheldon: Um…

Amy: See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.

Sheldon: Um…

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Good buddy Leonard.

Leonard: What do you want?

Sheldon: Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.

Leonard: Is that so?

Sheldon: Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

Leonard: Cut to the chase, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.

Penny: Hey. What’s going on?

Leonard: Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him.

Penny: Really? Interesting.

Leonard: Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

Penny: It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment.

Sheldon: Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.

Penny: Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine.

Leonard: Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

Penny: Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.

Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

Penny: That is the worst, isn’t it?

Sheldon: Yes.

Leonard: I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

Amy: Oh, there you are. When do I get a key to our apartment?

Sheldon: Um…

Scene: Howard’s old bedroom. A phone is ringing.

Raj: Hello?

Howard: Hey. How’d it go last night with my mom?

Raj: Okay, I guess.

Howard: What time did you leave?

Raj: Actually, I’m still here.

Howard: What? You spent the night?

Raj: Yeah. Uh, after dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files, and then she opened a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing I know, she was tucking me into your bed.

Howard: You wore my pyjamas?

Raj: Mm-hmm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed, like, three times.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh! You up? You ready for breakfast?

Raj: Oh, boy. Breakfast.

Howard: Okay, Raj, listen to me. You need to get out of there.

Raj: But I have a cream sherry hangover and I smell blintzes.

Howard: If you don’t leave now, she’ll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest of your life.

Raj: Oh, Howard, stop.

Howard: Trust me, you’re not Jewish. That’s how they get you.

Raj: You’re being silly. I can leave whenever I want.

Howard: Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes?

Raj: They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.

Scene: The stairwell.

Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.

Penny: What did I do?

Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.

Penny: Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me.

Sheldon: Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.

Penny: No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.

Sheldon: You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

Penny: Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.

Sheldon: Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

Penny: Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional.

Sheldon: That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.

Penny: Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.

Sheldon: I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.

Penny: Yeah. And who knows how Amy will react.

Scene: A hotel room.

Howard: Here’s some more ice.

Bernadette: Oh, thanks.

Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.

Bernadette: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy.

Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?

Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you’d be doing us both a favour. (Phone)

Howard: Hey, Raj. What’s up?

Raj: You were right. I can’t get out of here.

Howard: You’re still at my mother’s?

Raj: I’m trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do?

Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one.

Raj: Come on, Howard, help me.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Rajesh, tatellah, I ran you a bath.

Raj: Oh, my God. She’s not gonna bathe me, is she?

Howard: Gee, I wish I could tell you no. All right, well, thanks again for helping me out.

Raj: But, Howard…

Bernadette: Should we go back and rescue him?

Howard: It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.

Scene: The apartment.

Amy: Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.

Sheldon: Is it kung pao chicken?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Brown rice, not white rice?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?

Amy: Yes. I did good, right?

Sheldon: Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

Amy: No.

Sheldon: Yeah, why would you?

Amy: Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.

Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.

Amy: And this is Amy.

Sheldon: We’re not home right now.

Amy: ‘Cause we out dropping science, son.

Together: Leave a message.

Amy: Beep.

Sheldon: You can’t live here.

Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.

Sheldon: No. It’s not the message.

Amy: Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.

Sheldon: You did.

Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.

Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.

Amy: What?

Sheldon: She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: Hey, Ames.

Amy: Yeah. Hey, Ames, nothing. I was all set to move in with Sheldon, and now I hear I can’t ’cause you don’t want to live with Leonard.

Leonard (off): What?

Penny: Sheldon, what did you say?

Sheldon: I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.

Leonard: Since when don’t you want to live with me?

Penny: Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.

Sheldon: Yeah, I think we should talk about that.

Penny: And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?

Sheldon: I thought we were talking about the other thing.

Amy: You’re a coward.

Sheldon: Well, the evidence does support that.

Penny: Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are.

Amy: You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.

Penny: Um…

Sheldon: Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?

Leonard: ‘Kay.

Sheldon: Have you seen the one where Lori dies?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Or maybe she doesn’t. Let’s find out.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Raj is climbing out of the window.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where you going?

Raj (screams): No!