Scene: The Comic Book Store

Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.

Stuart: Well, Howard, that’s very nice of you.

Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first.

Howard: It’s my official NASA portrait.

Stuart: To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”

Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.

Howard: That’s not true. At the Walgreens I was over the moon for their store-brand antacids.

Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you’re getting ready for your Halloween party.

Stuart: Yeah, it’s my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time’s the charm.

Raj: Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quois when it comes to soirees.

Stuart: Thanks, but I can’t afford je ne sais quois. How much for just quois?

Raj: You know, you don’t worry about money. I’ll take care of everything.

Stuart: Really?

Raj: Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party.

Howard: But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?

Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.

Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?

Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.

Sheldon: It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

Howard: Not really.

Sheldon: Oh, well.

Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar

Amy: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?

Penny: I hope so.

Amy: Question. Do you think your husband’s fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin?

Penny: It’s not getting any better. (Text tone) Ugh. It’s Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.

Bernadette: I thought you liked Halloween.

Penny: I do, it’s just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy.

Bernadette: Like my husband?

Amy: And my boyfriend?

Penny: I’m, I’m sorry, Amy. You were saying something about Howard’s foreskin?

Bernadette: Nice try, but you have to go to that party because we’re going.

Penny: Yeah, I’m gonna go. It’s just not my idea of a good time.

Bernadette: Leonard does thing he doesn’t like to make you happy.

Penny: Well, yeah, he’s my boyfriend. Isn’t that, like, his job?

Amy: Then what’s your job?

Penny: Letting him make me happy.

Bernadette: I just think in relationships you get back what you put into them.

Amy: That’s not always true. Last night I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look, and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.

Penny: I guess I could probably try a little harder.

Bernadette: You could start by taking an interest in his work.

Penny: Yeah, that’s kind of a problem.

Amy: Why?

Penny: Not really clear on what he does.

Bernadette: He’s an experimental physicist.

Penny: Yeah, I’m not really clear on what that means.

Amy: He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.

Penny: Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?

Amy: I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.

Sheldon: Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave.

Amy: So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.

Sheldon: I couldn’t agree more.

Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.

Sheldon: Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

Amy: Yeah?

Sheldon: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.

Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.

Sheldon: Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?

Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?

Scene: Leonard’s laboratory.

Penny: Anybody home?

Leonard: Hey, what are you doing here?

Penny: I just thought I’d stop by and say hello.

Leonard: Oh, what a nice surprise. I don’t think you’ve ever seen my lab before.

Penny: No, I know. It’s long overdue. So, what ya doing? Better not be building a robot girlfriend.

Leonard: No. Although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette.

Penny: You’re kidding.

Leonard: Nope. Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.

Penny: Ooh! What’s going on in here?

Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, don’t look in there.

Penny: What, is it secret?

Leonard: No, it’s a nitrogen laser. It’ll cook your eyeball like a soft-boiled egg.

Penny: Oh. You might want to put a sign on it.

Leonard: Sign right there.

Penny: Ah. Danger. Sure, sure. Yeah. What’s, what’s that?

Leonard: Uh, that is an integrated ion trap and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.

Penny: Wow. High-techie-techie. What’s this little box?

Leonard: That is a pencil sharpener.

Penny: Ooh, low-techie-techie. So, what are you working on right now?

Leonard: It’s actually pretty neat.

Penny: Yeah?

Leonard: Yeah. It’s a front-projected holographic display combined with laser-based finger tracking. Here, I’ll show you. We’ll just put this pencil over here.

Penny: Sharp. Thanks to the machine we saw earlier.

Leonard: Very good. And then a laser will map the reflective surface, and voila. (A floating 3D image of the pencil appears. Leonard moves it around with his finger)

Penny: Wow. That is amazing.

Leonard: You know, there’s a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.

Penny: What do you mean? (Leonard flicks a switch. The hologram changes to a view of the planet Earth). Oh! Wow!

Leonard: Uh-huh. Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really (changes view to solar system) just be information (changes view to the galaxy) on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. (Starts the galaxy spinning) So it’s possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.

Penny: Hmm.

Leonard: What?

Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.

Leonard: You should visit more often. What are you doing?

Penny: Take off your clothes.

Leonard: What? Here? Now?

Penny: Yeah. You got a problem with that?

Leonard: No, no. It’s kind of crazy. I’ve never fooled around in the lab before.

Penny: Really? Never?

Leonard: No. I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn’t long enough.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: Before I forget, I’d like your opinion on the menus I’ve prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is food that goes bump in the night.

Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.

Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.

Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?

Raj: It’s funny because bread sounds like dead.

Sheldon: I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.

Raj: Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it?

Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

Leonard: Hello, boys.

Sheldon: What are you smiling at?

Leonard: Nothing.

Howard: You know where’s there’s a lot of nothing.

All: Space.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.

Howard: Boy, it’s nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again. Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock?

Bernadette: Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.

Howard: So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty. Preparing thrusters. We have liftoff. Are we clear to jettison that nightgown?

Bernadette: Okay, we need to talk.

Howard: What?

Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I’m incredibly proud of you. But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.

Howard: I don’t talk about it every minute.

Bernadette: Tonight at dinner you went on bout it for an hour straight.

Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.

Bernadette: I’m just saying, people are getting a little tired of it.

Howard: So, I did this amazing thing and I’m never allowed to mention it?

Bernadette: Of course you can. But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.

Howard: Okay, no problem. It won’t happen again.

Bernadette: I love you.

Howard: I love you, too. I can’t tell you how many times I dreamed I was in bed here with you when I was… you know. What, I can’t even point?

Scene: Leonard’s lab.

Leonard: So, basically, this is what’s called mag-lev technology. It uses very powerful electromagnets to create a force strong enough to overcome gravity. Here, you hold this.

Penny: Whoa! That’s heavy.

Leonard: Yeah. Oh, uh, you don’t have on any jewellery, do you?

Penny: No. Why?

Leonard: A grad student forgot to take out one of his piercings. Now he’s on a transplant list waiting for a nipple his size. Now watch this.

Penny: Whoa! That is very cool.

Leonard: Sometimes I like to turn this on and pretend I’m the super villain Magneto.

Penny: Getting a little less cool, Leonard.

Leonard: But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him.

Penny: There we go.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.

Sheldon: A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.

Raj: Do you have a preference?

Howard: I don’t care. Get the Tardis.

Sheldon: Yes! This party just became a major rager.

Raj: Oh, by the way, can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora?

Howard: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Raj: I was thinking of dressing up as Indiana Jones’ mocha-skinned love child. Indian Jones.

Howard: Clever.

Raj: What’s wrong with you?

Howard: Nothing.

Raj: Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

Howard: Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?

Sheldon: Yes.

Raj: No.

Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

Raj: It’s called being nice.

Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

Howard: You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.

Sheldon: Look at that, the problem solved itself.

Leonard: Hello, boys.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: What if we were to go as dinner table favourites salt and pepper?

Amy: You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.

Sheldon: No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.

Amy: No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.

Sheldon: What’s a hickey?

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom. Howard and Bernadette are dressed as smurfs.

Bernadette: How do I look?

Howard: Fine.

Bernadette: Uh-oh, is someone a little blue? Come on, Howie, that’s like the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life. What do you say? You ready to go?

Howard: To tell you the truth, I’m not really in the mood.

Bernadette: What are you talking about? It’ll be fun. All your friends’ll be there.

Howard: Yeah, some friends. They all think I’m boring. Maybe you should go without me.

Bernadette: No, if I’m there alone, people might think I’m just a really short person from Avatar.

Howard: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to go.

Bernadette: Hey, I just spent the last three hours colouring myself blue. I’m gonna be washing paint out of my Smurf for a month.

Howard: Fine. Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Bernadette: Yeah, well, now you’re a Smurf. Keep walking.

Scene: The comic book store.

Penny: Oh, my God, you guys look adorable.

Bernadette: Thanks, so do you. Slutty cop?

Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with a skirt and two badges.

Bernadette: And Albert Einstein?

Leonard: Ja, und later she’s going to arrest me for goink fashter zen da shpeed of light.

Penny: I thought we said in the car, no accents?

Leonard: Sorry, Officer.

Girl dressed as a Witch: Hello. It’s a great party.

Stuart: Thank you.

Witch: The monster foods, they’re really fun.

Stuart: Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

Amy: Sheldon, get in here.

Sheldon: I should’ve picked hickey.

Stuart: Hey, hey, look at you guys!

Amy: I’m Raggedy Ann, and he’s Raggedy C-3PO.

Sheldon: It was a compromise. I lost.

Raj: Can you believe Stuart’s walking around taking credit for this party?

Howard: Who cares?

Raj: What do you mean who cares? Look at what I pulled off here. The DJ’s on fire, there’s a Tardis photo booth in the back room, and, oh, my God, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft Draculoni and cheese.

Howard: You’re right, the party’s fantastic. Please, tell me more. I haven’t heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old.

Raj: Is this about the space thing again?

Howard: Well, I’m not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space! Space, space! Space! Space, space! Space!

Bernadette: Whoa, Drinky Smurf. Can I talk to you for a second?

Howard: Great, now I’m in trouble. You happy?

Bernadette: You, out! You are being very rude.

Howard: No, I’m not. They’re all being rude. And you’re being rude.

Bernadette: Me? What did I do?

Howard (in a squeaky voice): Oh, Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.

Bernadette (in a gruff voice): I don’t sound like that.

Howard: You’re my wife. You’re supposed to be on my side.

Bernadette: I’m always on your side.

Howard: Then why are you trying to take this away from me? Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I’m ever gonna do. If I stop talking about it, then I’m just…

Bernadette: Just what?

Howard: Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.

Bernadette: Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.

Howard: You’re just saying that.

Bernadette: No, I’m not. I married him. On purpose. Come here.

Howard: I love you.

Bernadette: I love you, too.

Penny (emerging from Tardis): Nothing to see here. Just sexy police business.

Leonard: Just explaining the theory of relativity. Twice.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s bedroom.

Bernadette: Hey, what you watching?

Howard: I don’t know. Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz (on video, handing Halloween candy to children): Here you go. It’s a Milky Way. The Milky Way’s a galaxy in space. I’ve been in space. Here’s a Mars bar. I’m an astronaut. And this one’s a Moon Pie. I walked on the Moon. What have you done?

Howard: Okay, I get it.