Scene: The Apartment.

Raj: Howard’s capsule should be re-entering the atmosphere any minute.

Leonard: It’ll be good to have him back.

Raj: The Fantastic Four reunited.

Sheldon: Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

Raj: We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.

Sheldon: Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

Leonard: I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.

Sheldon: Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.

Stuart: I can go thirty.

Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.

Raj: Okay, the NASA Web site says Howard’s final descent has begun.

Sheldon: He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.

Scene: The Soyuz Capsule. Howard is screaming.

Dimitri: Loops, calm down!

Howard (singing): Baruch atah, Adonai, Eloheinu. Melech haolam, hamotzi. Lechem min haaretz

Mike: What’s that?

Howard: The Jewish prayer for eating bread! We don’t have one for falling out of space! We did it! We’re on the ground! We survived!

Mike: That was just the parachute. We still have another six miles to go. (Howard screams again)

Credits sequence.

Scene: The Airport Arrivals Hall.

Bernadette: Waiting for my husband.

Man in Suit: That’s nice.

Bernadette: He’s coming back from outer space.

Man in Suit: I think this flight’s coming from Houston.

Bernadette: No, I mean, he… Never mind. There he is! Howie!

Various others (all at once): Howie! Howie!

Howard: Whoa, thank you. Great to be back on Earth.

Howie Mandel: Uh, I think they’re here for me, Ringo.

Man in Suit: Mr. Mandel, I’m your driver.

Howie Mandel: Oh, thanks. That nut job was telling everybody on the plane he’s an astronaut.

Bernadette: I missed you so much.

Howard: I missed you, too. Where are the guys?

Bernadette: Oh, it’s just me.

Howard: Oh, I get it. They’re waiting back home with a big surprise party. Don’t worry, I can act surprised. (Does)

Bernadette: No, I told them they could have you tomorrow night. Tonight, you belong to me. (Sneezes)

Howard: Gesundheit. You okay?

Bernadette: I am now that you’re back. Come on, let’s go home so I can tear off those little pants.

Howard: Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.

Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.

Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.

Penny: You’re unbelievable.

Sheldon: I know.

Leonard: All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?

Penny: How about boys versus girls?

Sheldon: Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

Penny: Once again, unbelievable.

Sheldon: Yeah, once again, I know.

Penny: All right, round one. Here.

Sheldon: Got it.

Penny: Okay. Ready, set, go.

Amy: Uh, box? Uh, window?

Leonard: Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman.

Amy: Uh, gift? Uh, Present!

Penny: Present! Yeah!

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?

Leonard: In what universe is that a present?

Sheldon: It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

Penny: Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them.

Later

Sheldon: It’s a quark-gluon plasma.

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.

Leonard: Nothing with quarks.

Sheldon: It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.

Leonard: No.

Penny: It’s a chocolate chip cookie.

Amy: Yes.

Leonard: How could you miss that?

Sheldon: Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

Leonard: Penny got it.

Sheldon: Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.

Later

Leonard: Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog.

Amy: Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?

Penny: Relax, we got time, this is so fun.

Sheldon: There.

Leonard: A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t…

Amy: Now?

Penny: Soon.

Sheldon: Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you.

Leonard: I don’t know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost?

Penny: All right, that’s enough. (Draws)

Amy: Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?

Penny: Yep!

Sheldon: Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

Penny: Excuse me, the word is polish. See? Small P.

Sheldon: Ah. So it is. I guess we both share blame on this one.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s Bedroom.

Howard: Bernie, you okay?

Bernadette (off): Yeah, I’ll be right there. (Hacking and coughing noises)

Howard: Did you get a sea lion while I was gone?

Bernadette: It’s just allergies.

Howard: Okay.

Bernadette: Took some Benadryl. I’ll be fine. So, did you miss me?

Howard: Oh. Are you kidding? Every minute of every…

Bernadette (has a coughing fit): Ew. Excuse me.

Howard: Sweetie, we don’t have to do this now.

Bernadette: Yes, we do. You left right after we got married. This is like our honeymoon. Now, hold on to your hat. Oh. Uh-oh.

Howard: You okay?

Bernadette: A little dizzy. Must be the Benadryl. Switch places with me.

Howard: Okay.

Bernadette: Now, kiss me. (He does. She starts snoring)

Howard: Bernadette? Bernie? Bernie?

Bernadette (waking suddenly): That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again)

Howard: Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?

Sheldon: Don’t know.

Penny: I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.

Sheldon: I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

Leonard: Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.

Sheldon: Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

Penny: All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.

Sheldon: All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.

Penny: Oh, come on, what is that?

Sheldon: It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

Leonard: En el acelerador de particulares.

Sheldon: Bueno, mi amigo.

Penny: No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game.

Sheldon: All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

Leonard: Just pick another game.

Amy: Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

Leonard: No good, Sheldon doesn’t float.

Sheldon: That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

Amy: All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts?

Sheldon: No, that’s not fair either.

Penny: Why not?

Sheldon: Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

Leonard: Yeah, that’s when it started.

Sheldon: Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.

Penny: Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

Amy: We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: Uh-uh.

Penny: I don’t think so.

Amy: Are you sure? I mean, the nose doesn’t light up, but if the corpse is fresh enough, sometimes you can get the leg to jerk.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s House.

Howard: Hey, Ma, twinkle, twinkle, your little star is home. Ma, the chain’s on the door.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard? I thought I wasn’t going to see you till tomorrow.

Howard: Yeah, well, Bernie’s not feeling well, so I thought I’d stop by, tell you about the greatest adventure of my life, see if you can make me feel bad about it.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, uh, okay, hold on, I’m not decent.

Howard: All right. Woman hasn’t tied her robe in 20 years. Suddenly she’s not decent?

Man’s Voice (off): You want me to hide in the closet or go out the back?

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Shh, you need to whisper.

Howard: Ma, who is in there?

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Uh, nobody. The TV is on.

Man’s Voice (off): I only got one sock. Where’s my other sock?

Howard: Who is that?

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I told you, it’s the TV. Jay Leno lost a sock, it’s hilarious.

Howard: If you’re busy, I can come back.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Just give me a second. Go, go, go, go.

Howard (to man climbing out window): Dr. Schneider?

Dr Schneider: Oh, hello, Howard.

Howard: What are you doing here?

Dr Schneider: Um, house call.

Howard: You’re a dentist.

Dr Schneider: Yes, yes, I am. I think he’s on to us.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.

Sheldon: Hurry up, find him, find him.

Leonard: I’m trying. Don’t yell at me.

Sheldon: For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.

Leonard: I know what he looks like.

Amy: Oh, there he is, I got him.

Penny: Yes, we win again.

Sheldon: How could you not find him?

Leonard: Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo.

Later. Penny and Sheldon have their foreheads on light sabres and are spinning.

Leonard: 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute.

Amy: Long division, long division. Go, go, go.

Leonard: Remember, show your work.

Sheldon: I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m not okay.

Leonard: Get up, we can’t lose at math.

Penny: 37.

Amy: Yes.

Later

Amy: Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

Penny: Mwah!

Sheldon: Stop that.

Penny: Mwah!

Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Howard: One to beam aboard?

Raj: Oh, my God, you’re back. Oh, look at you. You, you look like you grew.

Howard: Yeah. The lack of gravity did decompress my spine, so I’m like an inch and a half taller. I’m going to the DMV tomorrow to get my license changed before I shrink back.

Raj: Oh, uh, come in, come in. Oh, I, uh, I didn’t think I was going to get to see you until tomorrow.

Howard: Yeah, well, Bernadette’s a little under the weather and my mom’s kind of under my dentist.

Raj: Wait, your, your mother is sleeping with your dentist?

Howard: Former dentist. I need a new one now that I know where his hands have been.

Raj: So you’re wandering all around by yourself? That’s not the kind of hero’s welcome an astronaut should come home to.

Howard: It’s okay, you know, we space cowboys don’t do what we do for glory and fame. We leave that to your rock stars and your athletes and your Howie Mandels.

Stuart: Oh, hey, man, welcome back.

Howard: Oh, Stuart, thanks. What are you doing here?

Stuart: I, I kind of live here now.

Raj: Just until he gets back on his feet, which are looking pretty good in the boots I bought him for his birthday.

Stuart: Ah, he’s spoiling me and I love it.

Howard: Wow, so you guys are like buds now?

Raj: Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time.

Stuart: Plus, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have a girlfriend.

Raj: It’s like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other’s holes.

Stuart: Uh, that sounds a little funny to an American ear.

Raj: Which part?

Stuart: Just all of it.

Howard: Okay, so what do you guys got going on tonight?

Stuart: Raj is taking me to the Sound of Music sing-along.

Howard: Sound of Music sing-along? That used to be our thing, but that’s cool.

Raj: Oh, Howard, it’s still our thing. Come with us, we’ll, we’ll get you a scalped ticket.

Howard: So I’d be sitting by myself?

Raj: We’ll switch. You’ll come sit with me after intermission.

Stuart: So I, I, I’d be sitting by myself during Edelweiss?

Howard: No, no, you guys go. Have fun.

Raj: Okay, uh, will I get to see you tomorrow?

Howard: Absolutely. See you, Stuart.

Stuart: Yeah, yeah. Is he taller?

Howard: At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: All right, standard state fair pie-eating contest rules are, no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.

Amy: On the count of three. One, two…

Sheldon: Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

Leonard: So?

Sheldon: So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

Leonard: Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.

Sheldon: That’s rude.

Amy: One, two, three, eat.

Howard: Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.

All: Not now!

Sheldon: Oh, ow, blueberry in my nose, blueberry in my nose!

Leonard: Snort it down and keep eating!

Scene: A diner.

Waitress: You look familiar.

Howard: I don’t think so.

Waitress: Yeah, I just saw you on the news. You’re an astronaut.

Howard: Yes. Yes, I am.

Waitress: Good for you. How about a piece of cheesecake on the house?

Howard: Oh, thank you so much. I’ve been having the worst night. I just got back, and my friends don’t care, my wife’s sick, I went to my mom…

Waitress: You want the cheesecake or not?

Howard: Yes, please. (Sings) And I think it’s gonna be long, long time till touchdown brings me ’round again to find I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh, no, oh, no, I’m a rocket man. (Sneezes) Perfect.