Scene: A public washroom. Amy and Penny are in cubicles, Bernadette is washing her hands.

Amy: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.

Penny: Glad you’re enjoying yourself.

Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.

Bernadette: Amy, you must’ve been in the bathroom with other women before.

Amy: Of course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.

Bernadette: Some women don’t like to get chummy when their panties are down.

Amy: You okay in there, bestie?

Penny: I’m fine.

Amy: The reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine

Penny: Yeah, I said I’m fine. Stop talking to me.

Amy: She always this crabby when she urinates?

Bernadette: We’re really not that close.

Penny: Screw it. I’ll go later.

Amy: And I’ll be right by your side.

Scene: A shoe shop.

Bernadette: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?

Penny: Oh, that’s nice.

Amy: No, it’s not. It’s a strategic manoeuvre. Leonard’s new girlfriend is testing Bernadette’s loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.

Bernadette: You think?

Amy: Of course. How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.

Bernadette: Well, what makes me the weakest member?

Amy: Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn’t last a minute on the Serengeti.

Penny: Okay, Amy, you’re being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don’t have a problem with Leonard’s new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I’ll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.

Bernadette: It doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her we can’t make it.

Amy: Oh, no. You have to go.

Bernadette: I don’t understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.

Amy: You are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we’re going to use that to our advantage.

Penny: Wait. What are you talking about?

Amy: By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya’s tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard’s no stranger to back-alley cockfights.

Bernadette: I don’t know. I’m not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.

Amy: Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.

Penny: Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.

Amy: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?

Bernadette: I don’t want anything in my ample bosom.

Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

Credits sequence

Leonard: Okay, see you later.

Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

Leonard: That is good news. Bye.

Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

Leonard: That, that’s brilliant.

Sheldon: It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?

Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

Leonard: All right.

Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

Leonard: Elegant.

Sheldon: That’s because it’s simple.

Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.

Sheldon: And…

Leonard: And what?

Sheldon: And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.

Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

Leonard: Got it. Bye.

Sheldon: You know I’m right.

Leonard (outside apartment): I think he’s getting worse.

Amy: Oh, my metatarsal are barking.

Leonard: You okay?

Amy: Yeah, yeah. I’m just breaking in some new shoes.

Leonard: Very pretty.

Amy: Thank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?

Leonard: Hadn’t really thought about it.

Amy: Look.

Leonard: Uh, sure. Very… prominent.

Amy: Please, Leonard, don’t leer, you have a girlfriend.

Leonard: Sorry.

Amy: So, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?

Leonard: Yeah. How did you know?

Amy: I heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, ’cause, you know, that’s kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Priya: Hey, you.

Leonard: Hi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?

Raj: The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I’d rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.

Priya: Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?

Raj: I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me.

Leonard: Really? In front of your sister?

Priya: We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.

Raj: Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. (Leaves, then returns a moment later) I forgot my windbreaker. It’s chilly.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: I don’t understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?

Penny: No. Once these puppies touch the ground they’re mine, and I’ll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Amy: Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.

Penny: The what?

Amy: Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation “Priya Wouldn’t Wanna Be-ya.”

Penny: Hey. Seriously? Didn’t you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?

Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn’t have any.

Penny: None?

Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It’s the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.

Penny: Wh… What the hell did she say?

Amy: She thinks it’s cool you’re following your dream, no matter what.

Penny: That bitch!

Amy: How do you want to handle it?

Penny: Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I’m on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.

Amy: Got it. Is it going to be in 3-D?

Penny: What? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

Amy: I’m gonna say 3-D. That’ll let her know the studio has faith in it.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Leonard: You’re kidding. 3-D?

Bernadette: That’s what I hear.

Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.

Leonard: Wonder why she didn’t tell me.

Priya: Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?

Leonard: No.

Priya: Then why are you surprised she didn’t tell you?

Leonard: Well, it’s not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.

Priya: What other thing?

Leonard: Well, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don’t, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Howard: I’m not going to help you. This is hilarious.

Bernadette: She’s also dating an astronaut.

Priya: Wow. That’s very impressive.

Bernadette: Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too.

Leonard: Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself.

Sheldon: Knight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?

Raj: I need a hug.

Sheldon: Sorry, I have company.

Raj: Come on, Sheldon, open the door.

Sheldon: I don’t want to hug you.

Raj: I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.

Sheldon: Blue, as in depressed.

Raj: Well, not so much depressed as lonely.

Sheldon: I don’t know what colour lonely is.

Raj: What?

Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely.

Sheldon: All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

Raj: What are you doing?

Sheldon: I’m working on my three-person chess game.

Raj: Oh, cool. Can I play?

Sheldon: It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?

Raj: No.

Sheldon: Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

Raj: No, thank you. I’m fine.

Sheldon: It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.

Raj: I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down.

Sheldon: Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

Raj: I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.

Sheldon: The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

Raj: Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.

Sheldon: Yellow. Go ahead.

Raj: A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.

Sheldon: Fascinating. What’s in it?

Raj: I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.

Sheldon: I like cows.

Raj: That’s not the point.

Sheldon: It was its own point. Go on.

Raj: I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.

Sheldon: Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Howard: Okay, I’m still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?

Bernadette: I don’t know. The regular way people meet astronauts.

Howard: Most of those guys live in Texas.

Bernadette: Obviously, this one doesn’t.

Howard: Okay.

Bernadette: Leonard lives here. Priya’s from India. People meet, Howard. God!

Howard: Fine.

Bernadette: You’ve met lots of astronauts, and I’ve never grilled you about that. I’d thank you to extend me the same courtesy.

Howard: I’m not grilling you, I was just curious.

Leonard: I still can’t get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend’s up to, ’cause I don’t.

Bernadette: Maybe that’s where she met the astronaut, all right?

Priya: I’m sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?

Bernadette: He’s a consultant.

Leonard: I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?

Bernadette: He can’t have a hobby? Excuse me, I have to pee. Or is that implausible, as well?

Howard: It’s nice to have another couple to hang with, isn’t it?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny (to the shoes): All right, guys, you have to go back. I can’t afford you. “No, don’t send

us away, we love you.” I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. “But, Penny, you look so good in us.” Damn it, the shoes are right.

Amy: Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?

Bernadette (in Raj’s bathroom): I think they’re on to me. The story’s starting to fall apart.

Amy: Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay. (To Penny) We may have to kill her. Bernadette, I’m putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?

Bernadette: In the bathroom.

Amy: Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What’s the problem?

Bernadette: They’re just asking me all sorts of questions I can’t answer.

Amy: Just change the subject.

Bernadette: I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya’s parents.

Penny: What?

Bernadette: They said something about going there this summer.

Penny: What, are they getting engaged?

Bernadette: I don’t know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy’s stupid astronaut story!

Amy: What astronaut story?

Bernadette: You texted me Penny’s dating an astronaut.

Amy: I texted architect. That’s amusing. Auto-correct must’ve changed it.

Bernadette: Yeah, it’s hysterical.

Penny: All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.

Amy: Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?

Penny: Look, just find out what’s up with this trip to India.

Bernadette: I don’t want to do this anymore!

Penny: Don’t you quit on us!

Howard (knocking on bathroom door): Bernie, you okay?

Bernadette (screaming): It was an architect!

Scene: A coffee shop.

Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.

Sheldon: I’m glad you think so. That’s what I strive to emulate.

Raj: Okay, let’s see if this drug works.

Woman at table: Can I help you?

Raj: Forgive me for staring, but you’re very beautiful.

Woman: Thank you. That’s a great accent. Where are you from?

Raj: India.

Woman: Oh, cool. I’ve always wanted to go there.

Raj: It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you?

Woman: Uh, okay, sure. Why not?

Raj: My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Woman: Hi.

Sheldon: Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.

Woman: What’s he observing?

Raj: We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.

Sheldon: All right.

Raj: And what is your name?

Woman: Angela.

Raj: Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.

Angela: You’re cute.

Sheldon: I’d like to buy a scone.

Server: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins.

Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.

Angela: What are you doing?

Raj (taking his shirt off): Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

Angela: I…

Sheldon: They were out of scones.

Raj (removing his trousers): Sheldon, I’m talking to someone. You’re being rude. I’ll bet you’re an actress. If not, you should be. You have a very expressive face.

Angela: Oh, my God.

Raj: Wait, where are you going? We were doing so well. She never even got to see my penis. Ta-da!

Scene: Raj’s apartment. They are playing Jenga,

Priya: Who wants some more coffee?

Leonard: Thanks, yeah.

Howard: Sure.

Bernadette: Let me help you.

Howard: Nice to see that the gals are getting along.

Leonard: Gals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?

Bernadette: This trip to India sounds fun.

Priya: Yeah, I think it will be.

Bernadette: Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?

Priya: A little. They’re very old-fashioned.

Bernadette: Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not like you guys are getting engaged, right?

Priya: Oh, God, no. We’re not there yet.

Bernadette: Not engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.

Priya: You’ve been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?

Bernadette: Yes. Are you writing a book?

Priya: Why are you getting upset?

Bernadette: I’m not upset. Maybe you’re upset.

Priya: What’s up with you? Bernadette?

Bernadette: I can’t do this anymore! I’m a good girl! I went to Catholic school! (Storms out,)

Howard: Okay, well, it’s getting late. This was terrific. You win. Bernie?

Leonard: I think the word you’re looking for is befuddled.

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess.

Sheldon: My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two.

Howard: Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop

five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.

Leonard: Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?

Sheldon: When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.

Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.

Raj (still naked): Hey, I’ve got winners.