Scene: The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great.

Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.

Raj: Please hurry.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill.

Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise.

Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise.

Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this?

Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.

Raj: All right. Now what?

Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room.

Raj: Do you know how to set it up?

Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: So she’s gonna be laid up for at least six weeks.

Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.

Amy: Should we do something for her?

Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.

Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.

Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.

Penny: Hi.

Leonard: Hey, how were things on the set?

Penny: Uh, pretty good, actually.

Raj: So the movie’s not as bad as you thought?

Penny: Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all.

Amy: Good for you.

Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.

Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.

Sheldon: I know.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Howard: Okay, she’s all settled in the guest room.

Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.

Howard: You mean a forklift?

Bernadette: Howie.

Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now.

Bernadette: Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that?

Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?

Bernadette: I would do it for my mother.

Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz.

Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?

Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells.

Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel.

Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle.

Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?

Bernadette: You are a putz.

Howard: As advertised.

Scene: A cinema.

Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me.

Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?

Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.

Raj: Is that a real thing?

Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out.

Raj: Emily, Hey.

Emily: Oh, hey, Raj.

Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.

Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?

Emily: Um, you know what? I better go. My movie’s about to start.

Raj: Are you here alone?

Emily: No, not really.

Raj: What do you mean, not really?

Man: Hey, should we get our seats?

Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.

Raj: Yeah, okay.

Sheldon: That was awkward, right?

Raj: Uh-huh.

Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

Raj: Yes.

Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead.

Scene: The movie set.

Director: And action.

Wil Wheaton: Please don’t shut me out.

Penny: Go away. Just go away.

Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.

Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?

Wil: I was trying to save your life.

Penny: Life? What life? Look at me, I’m a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don’t know.

Wil: You can’t give up. I love you.

Penny: I love you, too. But I’m afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you.

Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene.

Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.

Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares.

Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look, if we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of?

Director: Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ’cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn’t be in it.

Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her.

Director: And who are you?

Leonard: I’m her boyfriend.

Director: Isn’t she too hot for you?

Leonard: A little, yeah.

Director: Well, boyfriend, get off my set.

Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me.

Director: You know what? You can get off my set, too. You’re fired.

Penny: What? You can’t fire me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.

Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this.

Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too.

Scene: A bar.

Wil: Wow, that fell apart really fast.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.

Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.

Raj: You don’t have to make me anything.

Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?

Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either.

Sheldon: Slick, huh?

Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.

Sheldon: Have you had intercourse?

Raj: No.

Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m hungry again.

Howard: It’s like the world’s fattest cuckoo clock.

Bernadette: You know, you’re always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it’s gonna be like.

Howard: No, it’s not.

Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We’re even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.

Howard: Maybe you’re right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.

Bernadette: I’m just telling you now, if we do have kids, don’t expect me to do all the work.

Howard: Hey, I’m a very paternal person. I’d be excellent at taking care of a baby.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m still hungry.

Howard: I’m coming, you big baby.

Scene: The bar.

Penny: You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.

Wil: Forget it, man, it’s crap. You just move on to the next thing.

Penny: Yeah, well, it’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous.

Wil: Hey. I just lost a job for you.

Penny: All right, I’m sorry, you’re famous.

Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous. It’s about the art. It’s about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer.

Penny: God, what am I doing with my life?

Leonard: You having second thoughts about acting?

Penny: You were on set, you saw what it was like.

Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not always that bad.

Penny: Oh, really?

Leonard: What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater?

Penny: It was over a bowling alley.

Leonard: Yeah, but there was ample parking.

Penny: Are you done?

Leonard: And you were so good in the TV commercial.

Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream.

Leonard: And I got itchy and swollen just watching you.

Penny: Leonard, you are really not cheering me up.

Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this?

Penny: Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?

Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night.

Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now.

Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.

Raj: What do you mean?

Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with?

Raj: Eleven.

Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?

Sheldon: Sure.

Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.

Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem?

Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.

Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Bernadette: Howie, I’m back!

Howard: Shh, I just got her to sleep.

Bernadette: Sorry.

Howard: What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.

Bernadette: They only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.

Howard: Then why do I smell coffee on your breath?

Bernadette: So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.

Howard: A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.

Bernadette: Queen? I’ve been killing myself here.

Howard: Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I’m nice, I want to take care of people.

Bernadette: I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard.

Howard: Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.

Scene: Raj’s apartment.

Raj: Hey.

Emily: Thanks for letting me come over.

Raj: Of course. Please, come in.

Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we’re okay.

Raj: Uh, look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other.

Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he’s been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.

Raj: It’s okay.

Emily: Really?

Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that’s my issue, not yours.

Emily: Wow. If I saw you out with another woman, I’d be pretty upset.

Raj: Thank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen.

Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else.

Raj: Well, me, neither.

Emily: Okay.

Raj: Okay. Please. So, uh, you, you have tattoos?

Emily: Yeah.

Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.

Emily: That’s cool.

Raj: It’s a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos?

Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder.

Raj: It’s, uh, been a long time since I’ve seen a girl’s really not her shoulder.

Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos?

Raj: But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: Oh, my God. What a day.

Leonard: Can I get you anything?

Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions.

Leonard: With your career?

Penny: With my life.

Leonard: Like what?

Penny: I don’t know. We could get married.

Leonard: Come on, be serious.

Penny: I am.

Leonard: Why? Because I’m a, a smart decision?

Penny: Well, yeah.

Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin.

Penny: What? No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you.

Penny: What does it matter? The point is, I’m choosing you.

Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I, I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes.

Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.

Leonard: No, no. No, it’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.

Penny: You know what? Forget it. I never should’ve brought it up.

Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don’t need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.

Leonard: Then what do you need?

Penny: You, you stupid Pop-Tart.

Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in.

Penny: Really? You guess you’re in?

Leonard: Not like, I guess I’m in. Like I guess, I’m in!

Penny: Okay. Leonard: Cool.

Leonard: So is that it? Are, are we engaged?

Penny: Yeah, I think so.

Leonard: All right.

Penny: What’s wrong?

Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.

Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?

Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.

Penny: Where did you get a ring?

Leonard: I’ve had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me?

Penny: Oh, my God, yes.

Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn’t have monkey hair on your finger.

Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house.

Howard: How you feeling?

Bernadette: Last night was a little rough, but I think we’re gonna get through this.

Howard: I’m proud of us.

Bernadette: Me, too.

Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where’s my pancakes?!

Foreign Nurse: Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz!

Bernadette: You were right.

Howard: Welcome to Team Putz.