Thank you so much.

Where in the Nativity story are we supposed to fit a juggler? You said you'd keep an open mind.

There are more ways to celebrate the birth of Christ besides singin' Joy to the World.

Ladies.

After the auditions, I was planning to leave the show in your hands.

But if you can't get along, I will take it back and the pageant will be two carols, the lady who juggles, and good night.

We'll be fine.

Of course, Chaplain.

Who's next? So a penguin and a farmer walk into a bar This is a duck.

This is a dolphin.

This is a goose.

Hark the Herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King Tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and Joy to the world, the Lord has come Here we go.

Dashin' through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughin' all the way Ha! Ha! Ha! Go, tell it on the mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go.

Go, tell it on the mountain Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah.

Don't forget Kwanzaa.

Watch out, old Jesus is back! Black Cindy! I can sing, too.

You know, in addition to the ice skating.

And so the penguin says, "Dude, he's not an eggplant, he's retarded.

" It lost me at the umbrellas.

"Be not afraid, for behold, I bring good tidings of great joy.

" Thank you, Doggett.

I assume by your choice of material, you're interested in the part of an angel? Yes, ma'am.

That's correct, because last year I was up on this stage as the ox, and the year before that I was the ass.

And so, I dunno about y'all, but I'm really startin' to feel like you're tryin' to assassinate my character.

'Cause I know that I am ready to shine my light for the shepherds and announce across the land the miracle of baby Jesus Christ.

Mr.

Healy, I know that I said a lot of things.

What do you want, Chapman? I need a marriage request form.

You need a form and my approval, which you don't have.

Please, Mr.

Healy.

Marriage is a privilege.

You are not entitled to it.

And to use one of your own delightful phrases, "Go fuck yourself.

" Yup.

What part of "out of the kitchen effective "immediately" did you not understand? Without my produce order, I have to re-plan the whole holiday menu.

I can't sit on the bench all day while you play out this little power trip.

We'll all be eating sardines for Christmas.

You're gonna be eating prison loaf when I drag you to Seg by that purple pelt on your head.

Now, have some self-respect and don't make me do it.

It feels serious in here.

It smells good, though.

What kind of soup is that? Navy bean.

I'll save you a bowl.

Gloria, you are reassigned to the kitchen.

Head cook, queen bee.

You start now.

Can I bring my people? Whatever you need to do.

Get the forms from O'Neill.

This is bullshit and you know it.

This whole place will fall apart when I'm gone.

Let's go.

No, originally from Poughkeepsie, well, outside of Poughkeepsie.

Go on.

So, after the tragedy with Miller, I was determined to find out if drugs were in fact coming into the prison.

I thought, um I had a hunch.

So when the vegetable truck pulled up, I went through the boxes.

Let me stop you there.

So, you went through the boxes before they actually came onto the property? That's correct.

At the gate.

So you didn't find drugs in the kitchen or on prison grounds? No, ma'am, the pills were in a box of cabbage, and I brought them straight to Caputo.

Okay.

Well, Bennett.

Uh, John? Yeah.

John, your intentions were so good here, but from what you're telling me, Neptune's Produce didn't bring drugs into the prison.

You did.

What are you talkin' about? You just said that you found the drugs in the cabbage before the truck pulled onto the campus, and then you brought them to Caputo.

That's right, but - John, you are one of the good guys.

I know that.

So, I want to protect you.

I think it's best if you don't fill out a report on this.

But they were going to the kitchen.

It's not like the truck was making stops between the front gate and the loading dock.

We don't know that.

Of course we do.

Bennett, I am so impressed by how you've handled things.

And you know what? I am going to authorize incentive pay.

That's an extra $130 a month.

Thank you, but - Now Hmm.

You go do your job and let me take it from here.

Okay, John? - Howard, Larry's here! - Hey, Pop.

You want a cup of decaf? I have this vanilla coconut creamer I put in.

It's delicious.

I'll make you one.

Thanks, Ma.

Mmm.

You read about this Google Glass thing? We're gonna all look like cyborgs.

Cyborgs? Aren't those your neighbors down in Florida? So, to what do we owe this pleasure? I went to the movies on - Anything good? - Nah.

My friends loved your radio thing.

Everyone was talking about it at mahjong.

Did Piper enjoy it? I never got the full report from you.

Uh, she had some issues with it.

But, uh, we talked them through.

And then we kept talking and at the end of our talk, we decided that we were gonna get married right away.

While she's still in there.

As soon as possible.

So That's really the full report, since you asked.

I think this is the longest you two have ever been silent.

Why are you rushing this? I want to start my life, Ma.

I want to know that we are committed and that our commitment is taken seriously.

So, take it seriously.

You need a paper for that? You've known we were getting married, Dad.

This is not new information.

The point is that Piper is spending a year in an institution.

You can't tell what she's gonna be like when she gets out.

Or when she gets out, for that matter.

Things are arbitrary in there.

You give someone the wrong look on the wrong day Why don't you just wait and see how things turn out? Yeah, if you meet someone else in the meantime, you'll have I don't want to wait and see.

I don't want to meet anyone else, okay? I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

In all her ways.

She's had some interesting ways so far.

Girl ways.

Boy ways.

Drug ways.

Ma! I get it, Larry, she's a natural blonde.

She's exotic for you.

But exotic is for pets and vacations, it's not for making a life.

You think I'm that shallow? I know her.

She is exciting, I'll give you that, but does she share your values? Will she be a good mother? Does she make you feel good about yourself? I think so.

Why, you can't remember? Yes, she does.

Of course she does.

Look, we've been together a long time.

We're invested.

Are you calculating your opportunity costs or are you discussing love here? Why don't you just wait until she gets out? See if you're still compatible.

Spend some time.

Larry, why are you in such a hurry? It's not like she's going anywhere.

What, are you afraid she's gonna meet someone else? Well, if it isn't the invisible woman.

One intense talk about the future and you disappear on me.

Not a shocker, but I had gotten my hopes up.

I'm getting married.

You've been getting married since before you got here.

This is not news.

Say what you really mean.

I pick him.

I pick Larry.

Of course you do.

I love you, too.

But we both know I don't have the balls to free fall through life with you.

No.

You don't.

At least I made a decision, right? Aren't you proud of me? Piper Fuck you.

Alex - Listen Yes.

You have made a decision.

So here is what it means going forward.

You may not come running to me again.

Not with your problems.

Not with your love.

Not with your need or sadness or anger, or even your laundry when it's not specifically your laundry day.

You may never come to me again.

Ever.

Well, what do you know? Jesus.

What are you doing here? Relax, man.

Just here to get my paycheck, shit.

Oh, It's nice to see you, too, buddy.

Sorry.

I'm just It's a surprise, I mean.

Spit it out.

Have you seen her? You gave her my note, right? I wrote her a letter, didn't put my name on it.

But she'll know who it's from.

She say anything? - Who? - Who? My girl, man! Fuck! Oh, God, I can't keep my brain off of her! What do you think you're gonna do about that? Man's greatest struggle in life is to find a woman who's sexy but, like, still could be a mom.

She's that, Benny.

I feel like she could be the one.

You know, I see myself buying sheets with her.

Taking trips to Mount Rushmore.

That's great.

Oh, she's got these lips, Jesus! I had no idea.

I always dated women with thin lips.

It's a fucking revelation.

Isn't something on the record with you guys now? I mean, how does that play out? I dunno, but whatever it is, she's worth it.

Hey, if you get any info, intel, insight, fucking call me, all right? - Happy holidays, man.

Hey, what about your paycheck? You know your lines yet for the pageant? I dunno.

'Cause I can't concentrate with Satan's Girl Scout skipping around.

I was a Girl Scout.

Troop 247.

They taught us how to use tampons.

You are still on probationary term, Leanne.

Don't be talking about tampons while I'm sittin' here plottin' my revenge.

Thanks.

Okay, I figured it out.

She don't need God.

That was a misinterpretation.

I went back to my book to find some answers.

I needed a clear answer.

Luke, 19:27, Jesus said, "But those mine enemies, "which would not that I should reign over them, "bring hither, and slay them before me.

" And I found it.

I found it.

I turned right to the page.

Now if that ain't a sign, I don't know what is.

Is it just me, or are these eggs, like, extra spicy? My mouth is on fire.

Okay, so, for Secret Santa, I've got you guys, Red, Norma, Gina, I'm putting Alex in.

Think we should ask Chapman? Hmm.

I think she'd give good gifts.

Come on, you guys, Secret Santa is supposed to be like family.

What, you honestly think Chapman and Vause are family? Well, I think it's nice.

We don't have Mercy anymore.

And Tricia.

Let's throw 'em in.

Expand the circle.

It's fucking Christmas.

All right.

All right.

Hey, you gonna finish those eggs No! No! You can't have these.

They're good this morning.

Do not say that to Red.

Whatever you do.

As far as we're concerned, breakfast was a mess, capisce? Hmm.

Yeah.

Of course.

Sure.

But when she gets back in the kitchen, could you ask her to make the eggs like this? Because they are delicious.

You're both asking for fuckin' trouble.

Chapman, hello.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

You are a first time offender with a short sentence, and you're white.

Which means there are a lot of programs here that you probably are not aware of, because you're lucky enough not to meet them.

I'm sure.

Like the GED program.

We've allocated some funds to bring that back in the new year.

Well, that's great to hear.

I don't personally care for talk radio.

The incessant chatting gives me a migraine, but some people do, and apparently, some of these little shows have fans that write articles.

Oh.

This is about Larry's radio thing.

Yeah.

I believe he got some of the facts wrong.

But, you know, it's not a news story.

It's more like, um, storytelling.

Did you listen to it? No.

So, here's what I need from you.

On the off chance that there's a follow-up storytelling, it would be great if your husband could be better informed about all we're trying to accomplish here.

Here's a list.

Of course.

I would be happy to make sure he's up to speed.

I mean, that would only serve all of us, right? That's right.

But, you know, I'm not the only one who's been talking to Larry.

Counselor Healy has spoken with him.

Why was Healy speaking to your husband? He called to tell him I was having a lesbian affair with another inmate.

Oh, good Christ.

No, no, that's okay.

It's probably just another case of misinformation.

What's your angle, Chapman? You know, you keep referring to Larry as my husband? But we're not married yet.

Though we do hope to be.

So, that means, I need a marriage request form, and, of course, your approval.

And I would be happy to make sure that my new husband is up to speed with all of the great work you're doing here at Litchfield.

I am sure we could arrange something.

All of us in the kitchen, making tamales.

Almost feels like Christmas at home.

Hmm.

Yea, except my Uncle Fernando ain't around to stick his hand down my pants.

Please, speak English.

How about you learn Spanish? In my family, it's Cousin Frankie.

Fuckin' perv.

My mother hit him with a brick when he messed with my niece once.

She broke his cheekbone.

Now half his face is kinda sunk in.

Serves him right.

My daughter's with my cousin at some marimacha collective she's part of.

Not a dick for miles.

And I want it so.

You ain't worried they'll turn her gay? - She's a baby.

And I only got a year.

I'll get her back before she knows anything.

Immigration! Hands where I can see 'em.

Hmm.

Funny, cabrona.

Hey, the Squirrel and the Silent One nearby? Out back.

But not too long, 'cause they got work to do.

All right.

Hey, hey, Tweedles, time to draw your names for Secret Santa.

Now, Norma, I'll remind you again, it's a secret, so don't go blabbing all over camp.

If you pick your own name, just put it back and pull again.

Really? You seen Red? No, not yet.

How's she doing? She wouldn't leave the cube this morning.

She won't show up for work.

I said, "They're gonna throw you "in the SHU if you don't go to work," but then she gave me that look that makes my ass leak.

I am familiar with that look.

You gotta talk to her.

And what am I supposed to say? That it's all gonna be okay? She's a very bright woman.

She knows how fucked she is.

Please, Nicky.

She's really not in a good way.

I'll see what I can do.

Ooh! Diaz got an interesting one.

Mom Diaz or daughter Diaz? Daughter.

"Dayanara, I think of your body all the time.

"I'll be doing something else, something normal, like driving my car "or making spaghetti, and then I see you there in my brain, naked.

"I can barely write this letter I get so turned on.

"You cast a spell on me.

"And, baby, I hope that spell is never undone.

"Until we see each other again.

" Signed, "Hot for you.

" But with the number four.

Poor schmuck.

Guess he doesn't know Mendez stuck it in her.

And what's the latest with that? So far just a suspension.

Captain's not saying anything about it, though.

And he won't.

Watch.

Diaz'll get transferred and Mendez will be back.

They love that sadistic fuck.

You just gotta let the jizz settle first.

Hey, check this out.

Vause got one from Chapman's fiance.

Ooh, scandal! He's asking, will she add him to her visitation list? "We need to talk," he says.

You think they're conspiring on something? Yeah.

A threesome.

Been thinkin' about that, have you? Chapman and Vause? I'm not saying something we don't all know.

There she is.

And standing up! I heard you'd gone horizontal.

I'm not here.

I'm outside raking dirt somewhere.

You don't see me.

All right.

You gotta pick your name for the Secret Santa.

Not this year, Nicky.

I'm not in the mood.

Come on, Red.

You love Christmas.

Your sons come up, I mean, with their big-haired wives.

I can't wait to see what Sparkle Tits wears this year.

Sparkle Tits and Yuri have split.

She took the kids and the tits and the guinea pig and moved to Sheepshead Bay.

So, how was breakfast? Spicy.

And my potatoes were cold.

But it wasn't a disaster? I heard that someone found a long black hair in her eggs, but it went unconfirmed.

What? Should we have gone on a hunger strike? They all work in kitchens now, don't they? They pop out of a trunk of a car and learn to fry an egg.

God bless America.

You can't blame Gloria.

She's just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Fucking Mendez.

This is not how it was supposed to go.

None of this is how it's supposed to go.

You're tougher than woodpecker lips.

You'll be okay.

Here.

Just get whoever it is something nice.

It's good karma.

Sometimes that shit comes back around.

All clear! Heard you broke up with your girl.

Wow.

Twitter's got nothing on prison.

You feel bad? I feel like I did what I needed to do.

She mad? Yep.

Mad enough to leave a dead rat on your locker? What? Whoa! What the fuck? No, no, no, she didn't do that.

Do you think that that thing just crawled up here and died? No.

This a message rat.

Someone say they gonna kill you.

Say it right here.

See, they meant "you're," apostrophe R-E.

As in, you are gonna die.

But this some ignorant bitch-ass shit.

What's an Amalekite? I think it's some Bible stuff.

Hey, yo, Black Cindy.

Come here.

Stuff.

I bet this was that crazy fucking hillbilly.

What's up? - You was raised in the church, right? - I was, but like my daddy say The Lord don't take the wuzzers into the kingdom He take the izzers Yeah! Uh, so what's an Amalekite? - Amalekite? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, they real baddies in the Bible.

Attackin' everybody.

Preying on the weak and shit.

A war tribe.

Ooh, in Samuel, God told Saul to kill 'em all.

Utterly destroy them motherfuckers.

That what God say.

Even the babies.

Even the cows.

They so bad their cows had to die.

Say anything about rats? No.

Mmm-mmm.

Okay, this is nuts.

It is.

I have to tell someone.

Right.

'Cause COs love trouble.

Man, you say something, they gonna put you in Seg "for your own protection," just so they ain't gotta deal.

True, true.

You gotta handle this yourself.

Straight up.

Cut.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Kill that motherfucker.

Out.

I seen dead everything.

Did you explain to her about the inventory? That protein order has to last into next month.

I'll come back and there will be nothing but scraps for me to work with.

They all talk Spanish when we're around.

Listen, Jesus.

She may have fed a quinceanera or two, but this will catch up with her soon enough.

Feeding an entire prison population day in and day out is a whole other pot of fish stew and when she starts to drown in it, we'll be the ones who will pay the price.

It'll take us weeks to put everything back into working order.

This is what I need you to do.

Speed up the inevitable.

Overcook, over-salt.

We need the inmates to revolt.

Red, we're on the B-team.

We don't go anywhere near food prep anymore.

She's got us stacking boxes, serving Well, start serving very slowly then.

The meal times will be all screwed up.

It'll throw the whole camp off.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she runs a pretty tight ship, right, Norma? I don't think we'll get away with it.

Don't think, Gina.

Just do it.

You want to be stacking boxes for the rest of your stay? You listen to what I'm telling you, you need to fuck with that kitchen.

You fuck with this kitchen, I'll have you outta here so fast you'll think your ass grew wheels.

Hey, we just wanna do a good job.

Yeah? Then why you in here sniffin' around the dry goods when I asked you to wipe down the service station? Yeah, yeah, yeah, mira, I got four kids, I know every trick there is.

Now, I kept you here 'cause you know your shit.

It's not your fault that Red lost the kitchen.

But we all know this is one of the good jobs.

Don't let Red take you down with her.

Vamos, let's go.

Maybe she's just trying to engage me.

She says that thing about the Amalekites, piques my interest, and then she can get me to go to Bible study group.

She's a weird girl.

Yeah.

"You gonna die" was really vague.

Ha! Like, totally open to interpretation.

You know that tweakhead is coming for you, you better prepare.

All right, listen, chick steps up, kick her straight in the cooch.

Hurts just as much on girls as it do on guys.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, but if you punchin', you go for the nose.

Biff! Swap! You know what I mean? I still say the pookacha.

Shot to the twat.

Yo! Then, when she doubled over, - elbow straight to the back.

Like - Bitch out! - What? Gone! Pow, pow, pow, pow! Whomp! Okay, come on, you guys, come on! With Red, I just had to come up with a creative solution.

So, maybe we should think along those lines.

Figure out something she really needs.

What is something that she really needs? New teeth! - This is jacked up! Bitches in heat.

Yo.

He's in love with you.

What are you talking about? Mendez.

He's madly in love with you.

Clearly you gave an amazing performance, because the man is head over heels.

Unless it wasn't a performance.

You think I liked it? - I don't know.

All I know is that he sure did and I had to hear all about it, and now I can barely look at you.

John, it's our baby.

Well, it can go live with George.

Who's George? - Mendez! He'll think it's his love child anyway.

I'll ask him to get a DNA test.

Then they'll fire me.

They're not gonna know it's yours.

They'll just know it's not his.

Then Cesar will pick it up from the hospital and he'll bring it to you.

If the test proves it's not his, they're gonna want to know how you got pregnant in prison, and then we're back to where we started.

Daya, it was a bad plan.

And you had sex with him.

John, I love you.

I hate him.

I only love you.

You gotta know that.

I can't do this.

What You missed a spot.

Come on, Lorna, tell us who you got! No! It's a secret! Some secret.

You just got finished asking me what my favorite color is and if my feet get cold.

If I was making you slippers, which I am not, I wouldn't be anymore.

So, you just get used to having cold feet that ain't magenta! Wow.

Please start fucking her again.

Yeah, you only get one chance to break my heart.

Hey, remember that, Vause.

Such self-restraint.

It's impressive for a junkie.

Well, yeah, that's with drugs.

Look, you gotta remember, I had a mom who sent me to overnight camp when I was three.

I have mastered the art of shutting people off.

Yeah, maybe I should go into training with you.

What, Chapman? Sucks.

I'm sorry, kid.

I know she got to you.

Hey, how about we both say a little prayer that she gets fat and stops shaving her legs? Done.

Look.

From your son? Oh, Sophia, I'm so happy for you.

Look, he didn't write anything else.

But that's his signature.

My wife didn't fake-sign it for him this time.

Oh! So that's something, right? Mmm-hmm.

That's something.

I just wish he'd talk to me.

He's starting to.

Sisters.

You all sure about this part for me? Have faith, dear.

Your voice resonates.

Yeah.

You right.

I should just put the past behind me.

No way that could happen again.

Alex.

Yeah? You're tall.

I've been told.

Um Sorry, this is, uh Had so many things planned to say to you, but now I I'm just picturing you Got you all flustered? You got me pissed off.

How many times do you think you can come around and fuck up Piper's life, huh? I don't know what psychic black void your little game with her fills, but you need to end it now and stay away from her.

Not a problem.

She's all yours, champ.

We done here? Whoa, whoa! Whoa.

Hold on.

Suddenly she's all mine when you have been working her over since she got here? Working her over? Are you fucking kidding me? She came to me.

Dragged me into that chapel and fucked me.

Surprised me, too.

She never used to be the aggressor.

I guess it was a new color she was trying on.

Or maybe she was bored.

Uh, who knows? You fucked in a chapel? It's prison.

There aren't a whole lot of options.

But I'm done.

I can't survive another spin on her merry-go-round.

And clearly, you're still into it, so enjoy the ride.

Fuck you.

It's not a ride.

We're getting married.

Great.

So why are you here? I wanted to meet you.

Larry, my heart is with you.

She's hot.

She's read everything.

We both know what she's like in bed.

But she is fucked up.

I know it, and you do, too.

Or else you wouldn't be here warning me to stay away.

I'm not your problem.

Hey, College.

What are you - Don't be acting all modest.

You're about as indecent as they come.

Okay.

Let me dry off and we can talk about this.

Bathroom's full.

Try back later.

I don't wanna talk.

I'm not going to let you intimidate me, Tiffany.

What do you want? What do I want? Hmm.

I want you to feel the same pain on your body as you have made me feel in my heart.

I know, it's not much.

But it's sharp, it's sharp.

Do you wanna see? Hmm.

Out.

I thought only lady COs can go in the bathroom.

Hey! This is not your assigned bathroom, you are out of bounds.

Out, now! I guess next time we're gonna get more creative.

That's okay.

Doggett! I got some other ideas.

Doggett! - Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, coming.

You okay? No.

I'm not equipped to deal with this.

I have to tell someone.

Please, she is a bitty thing.

You can take her.

Easy.

And when you do, score is settled.

Girl, stop being a bitch-ass bitch.

You got a little blood on your nip-nip there.

Rinse that off.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Pop, turn and shake.

No, a shimmy now.

Daya! Okay.

Got it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Hip, hip, ha, ha, pop, pop, turn and shimmy.

No, pero you gotta pop! - Booty.

All right! - Okay, okay.

And shake your booty at the end.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, hip, hip, ha, ha, pop, pop, turn Ladies, this is not a recreational area.

Get to work.

Now! Whoa, lighten up.

It's the holidays.

I said back to work.

Okay, but we were just rehearsing our dance.

The rules are put in place for your safety.

All right.

Daya needs to tell her boyfriend to lighten up.

I know, right? I understand some Spanish, Flaca.

He's not my boyfriend.

What did you say, inmate? Nothing.

That's right.

You say nothing.

You have nothing to say.

I don't see any electrical issues.

Appliance seems to be in good shape.

Just full of grease.

So I'm gonna say grease fire.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

How bad did Murphy seem to you? It's hard to say.

You know, after she got sprayed, there was a lot of foam.

She was burned, all over her arm and, like, her clavicle.

I seen it before Maritza spritzed.

Mendoza, part of your job is to make sure these ovens are cleaned properly.

Don't make me regret putting you in charge.

I did clean those ovens.

Well, clearly not well enough.

Yeah.

Clearly.

All right, get back to work.

Attention, ladies, breakfast has been temporarily delayed.

Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, it just scared me a little.

Me, too.

Bennett! We have more to discuss.

Yes, sir.

Blocks B and C resume normal program.

Talk to the medic, get a detailed account of Murphy's injuries, bring me the report by the end of the day.

Speaking of reports, where's the drug bust? I want to get that filed.

That is a big win for us.

Yeah, can I talk to you about that? I had this meeting or something with Fig.

Christ.

What happened? She is a pencil pusher, Bennett.

You and I, we are battling in the trenches.

She told me not to file a report about the About the drugs.

She said an investigation could point to me.

That little She's cutting off your balls to protect her own.

You write up that report, Bennett, and you bring it to me.

That way, in fact, you did not file it.

I did.

Yes, sir.

This place fucking stinks.

We'll open some windows, sir.

That's not what I meant, Bennett.

That's not what I meant.

Merry Christmas, Chapman.

It's not Christmas yet.

Yeah, well, it came early for you this year.

There you go.

Go on.

You big ho, ho, ho.

I never meant to hurt anyone, Norma.

Least of all Gina.

She's my daughter.

You know that.

Yo.

Check it out.

Whoa! You put a lot of work into that.

Who knew you were so fucking thoughtful? Jesus.

Yeah.

I have my moments.

Think she'll like it? I don't know if she'll appreciate the groom.

What happened to that iron gate keeping your heart shut? It's a joke.

Is it? What are you doing there? Making you a pair of earrings.

Wait! You asshole! That's supposed to be a surprise.

Surprise! These suck.

God! I'm just not crafty.

I don't know what to give you.

Man, you're right.

It should be a boy.

It's not funny.

Hey.

I think I know what I want for Christmas.

Yeah? Yeah.

Next.

I got the marriage form.

It's all filled out.

Good.

Good.

If I make it.

If you make it? Someone's trying to kill me.

A Christian meth head.

Someone else is trying to kill you? Hey, it's not my fault.

I didn't ask for this.

It just It just happened? It happened.

The drama happened to find you.

Like it always does.

'Cause you need it.

Where did that come from? I met Alex.

What do you mean you met Alex? I wanted to tell her to stay away.

I wanted her to see that I was a real person that she was hurting.

But actually, Piper, you were the one that was doing all the hurting.

Whatever she said is a lie, Larry.

She's a crazy, manipulative liar.

This is unbelievable.

I can't believe you didn't trust me to handle this on my own.

No, I didn't.

I didn't, and doesn't that say so much? I can't be on your ride anymore, Piper.

I don't think we share the same values.

Why was I in such a hurry? Because I was afraid.

You shouldn't be with someone out of fear.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I Bye, Piper.

No.

Larry.

No.

No.

Alex.

Are you kidding me? Get out.

Alex - Get out.

No fucking way.

Get out.

You heard the lady.

Another holiday.

Can you believe this? I can because I have eyes.

And a calendar.

Healy, if you ever call an inmate's family again with your lesbian witch hunt shit, I will destroy you.

Your mail-order bride will leave you, and you will never work again.

Get some fucking therapy, man.

Hey.

Hey.

I heard you were coming.

I would have sent these to the hospital, but I thought I'd rather deliver them in person.

Wow, Mr.

Caputo, Joe, thank you.

That's really thoughtful.

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Stephen.

This is Joe Caputo.

Hello.

Hello, Stephen.

Really, really nice to meet you.

Happy holidays, sir.

Joe.

Please.

Joe.

Oh.

All right, that could be trouble.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, I think that's theater for "the show's gonna start soon.

" Right.

Of course.

Okay.

Okay, night Yeah.

Joy to the world - The world - The Lord is come - Is come - Let Earth receive her King - Her King Let every heart prepare Him room - And Heaven and nature sing - Nature sing - And Heaven and nature sing - Nature sing - And Heaven, and Heaven, nature sing - Nature sing Amazing grace - How sweet - Sweet - The sound - Sound That saved A wretch like me Like me I once was lost Lost But now I'm found Found Was blind But now I see Psst.

Hey! Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Shut the fuck up.

Joseph, I'm not feeling very well.

I'm really tired and I have a pain.

I think it's time for the baby to be born! Please, Mary, lie down here on this nice bed I made in the straw.

Oh, yeah, lay down, Mary! Jesus fucking Christ! All right, ladies.

Knock it off! Knock it off! Joseph, you were saying? That should have been us up there.

I know.

Lie down, Mary, it won't be long now.

Yeah! You should be in the center.

You should be in the center.

Hey! Hey! Where you think you're going? Oh, no.

Oh, no.

You do not wanna fight with me right now, crazy.

You do not.

Oh, no? Maybe you're right.

I don't wanna fight you.

I wanna end you right now.

You better stop.

Mr.

Healy's right over there.

Hi, Mr.

Healy.

Mr.

Healy! Mr.

Healy! Mr.

Healy! She's trying to kill me! Oh! Look what you brought out to play.

You back the fuck off me! You think I'm scared of you? Do you? I'm not scared of you.

'Cause I got God by my side.

And he told me that you ain't worth nothin'! See? See how he just works through me? And he wants me to smite you.

I see things.

Hmm, she-devil.

That's what you are.

You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God.

I mean, look at my dress.

Have you seen it? How's that for poetry? Hmm? 'Cause God loves me.

He don't love you.

'Cause you ain't worthy of God's love, you ain't worthy of nobody's love.

So I think it's time that you die.

No!