(THEME SONG PLAYING) Did you get in trouble, too? (SCOFFS) Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt.

And I like to clean things.

Pretend the dirt is the feelings.

This floor is my mind.

That is called coping.

And the COs don't care 'cause they like things clean.

(SCOFFS) And that is called symbiosis.

Suzanne, listen.

Those things that Larry said on the radio? They sounded a lot worse than they really were.

And when I said those things to him, it was before I knew you.

Before I knew what a nice person you are.

And you have to admit that you come on a little strong.

It's okay, dandelion.

You know why? I used to spend a lot of time thinking how I could make you love me.

Like, if I had long pretty hair, or if I made a chocolate cake with frosting, or if I had a green bicycle.

No! You are great the way that you are.

I know.

Because the answer is, you're not a nice person.

You're a mean person.

And I used to think you was a yellow dandelion but you're all dried up with the puff blown off.

And it's not your fault.

You are who you are, like, I am who I am.

I'm not mean.

I didn't mean to be mean to you.

You gotta start from the inside out or else you'll step on the clean.

Hey.

Look at you, waking up for crack of dawn I-told-you-so.

That's dedication.

I have to pee.

But as long as I'm here, how's that, uh, spontaneous confession treating you? (CHUCKLES) Shittier than I thought, which is impressive, considering I'm literally scrubbing toilets.

You're sucking all of the joy out of my gloat.

You gonna tell me what happened with the fiance? Oh, you know, I accused him of feeding on my misfortune with the sensitivity of a vampire squid, and then he accused me of betraying him in a disgusting, yet totally predictable manner.

So, we're in a good place.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Pipes.

And that was before he told me that his father, AKA my lawyer, looked at the records and found out that it was you who ratted me out to the Feds.

(GATE BUZZES) Fuck.

Don't worry about it.

I mean, fool me once, right? Okay, listen Alex.

I'm over it.

Really.

It's fine.

(INMATES CHATTING) You got mine? Caputo's special! You know, you're not supposed to take food out of here, Sister.

SISTER INGALLS: Maybe we can bend that rule a bit.

At my age you, you've got to keep your blood sugar steady.

I dip at around 10:00.

Don't worry about it.

Oatmeal and cheese sandwich, no crusts.

You should eat something.

He's coming.

(STUTTERS) I like the shape of your ears.

What else do you like the shape of? (SHUSHES) You know what I miss? Mimosas.

I'm gonna need your help with something.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA) You missed breakfast.

I needed to sleep more than I needed eggs.

Miss Claudette, I want to apologize to you for everything that Larry said.

I had no idea it was gonna I know the stories they say about me, Chapman.

I wish you'd thought enough of me to ask for the truth.

(SNIFFLES) If you're getting sick, please keep your hands clean and stay on your side of the room.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and I won't have you ruin it.

That seems to be a talent of yours.

You ain't said nothin' all morning.

There ain't nothing worth saying.

And they say there's no such thing as miracles.

Yikes.

No scrappy rejoinder? They must have put you on the scary meds.

Why ain't you throwing back at her? 'Cause there ain't no point, Leanne, all right? I got beat.

Ain't nobody up there looking out for me no more.

I'm looking out for you.

You know, he finally come to me, after all this time that I've been following him.

I finally heard him talk to me, him saying how I was his girl, I was.

Turns out it weren't him.

No, it was Chapman, the bitch devil of Litchfield.

Well, you missed her boyfriend's crazy radio show.

Hey.

Chapman put her ass on the line to get you out of Psych, you know? She's cleaning toilets every morning like Private "fucking" Benjamin.

Look, I ain't looking for revenge, okay? She'd probably kick my ass anyway.

No way, Tucky.

You're small but you got spit.

Man, do you know what it means, when there ain't nobody up there punishing the evildoers? It means there ain't nobody giving out prizes for the good ones, neither.

'Cause there ain't no judge, there ain't no justice.

We just crawl around this Earth like ants and then we die.

You don't gotta kill it.

I'm just thinking about you, is all.

(SCOFFS) I mean, you show 'em a baby, you get good money from the government.

(CLEARS THROAT) Plus WIC packages.

All kinds of things in them packages you get.

Cheese, peanut butter.

Baby food.

Hell, you can make a good casserole out of baby food.

Sprinkle some Fritos on top, tuna.

Tasty as hell, and baby food is vegetables.

Well, if you're eating all the baby food, what's the baby supposed to eat? (CHUCKLES) Suit yourself.

I'm not keeping it, Arlen.

You never keep it.

(SIGHS) Look, my cousin, Sierra, she had a baby down at County last summer, and after they drug tested her, they took the baby boy away and they arrested her for endangering a minor, okay? So, I think babies are cute and all but I ain't going to jail for this fucker.

Well, another idea is, you could stop doing drugs.

(BOTH SNIGGERING) (COUGHING) For real, though, I need a ride tomorrow to the clinic.

Hell, tomorrow I gotta do the thing with the hammers.

(URINATING) Jesus! Hey.

You know what's overrated? Toast.

Wanna fuck in the pantry? Hey! Get out of here.

You're gonna get us shot.

I'm serious.

I was so afraid about you finding out the truth, but now it's out, and it's okay.

It's kind of a rush.

Cool thing about sex in an industrial kitchen is there's a ton of margarine in here.

Stop it, Alex.

Come on, babe.

Let's celebrate how totally fine you are with everything.

You're freaking me out.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

I said stop it.

What? Can't a girl be totally overcome with desire for someone who's being so cool, and so forgiving? We're not okay! This is not fine! Good.

Now we could talk about it.

It that what this is about? Yeah.

That's what this is about.

You find out that I personally got you thrown in here at the exact moment your manicured fingers were like closing on the yuppie brass ring, and somehow you don't have a problem with it? You are so full of shit.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Alex.

You want me to be angry? Well, guess what, I'm really fucking angry, because I love you, Alex.

I love you and I fucking hate you.

I have really been trying to keep my shit together, but if you really need to see me Hulk out over this Larry left you, didn't he? And that's why you're fake-fine with me.

Right now you're willing to overlook pretty much anything because ultimately you are just terrified of being alone.

Is that what I am to you? A fucking binky for you to suck on until you feel better? Look at me.

Why did you do it? They were offering less time.

A lot less time, depending on how much I gave them.

I hadn't seen or heard from you in eight years.

You weren't even real anymore, which made it easier.

And I was pretty sure one of the other guys would give you up anyway.

And if I'm being really honest, I was still pissed at you.

For leaving.

For my mom.

So, yeah, at that moment I probably was just, like, "Fuck you," you know? I'm not proud of myself.

You lied to me.

When I first got here you could've given me this whole speech right then.

I wanted you to like me.

I still do.

Maybe you should've thought that all the way through.

Ugh.

This isn't even remotely coffee.

No, it's dandelions.

Which are loaded with potassium, man.

Everyone thinks potassium is all about the bananas, but that is banana-lobby bullshit.

She does have a point about the radio thing, I'll cop to that.

She's the most interesting thing about me right now, and I used that.

Mmm.

And I guess it was a dick move.

But that doesn't make it okay that she cheated on me.

No, cheating is a strong word, pal.

Sorry, is there another word for "fucking someone other than the person you promised, "in the very recent past, "to fuck exclusively forever"? Uh, no.

I'm just saying that this "someone" was a girl, which isn't really cheating.

Like, you and Piper play squash together.

And if in her downtime she joins a softball team, then That's the bigger problem with this whole thing.

She fucked a woman.

So what, is she gay now? I don't know about "now.

" I just think that she is what she is, man.

Which is what exactly? I'm gonna go ahead and guess that one of the issues here is your need to say that a person is exactly anything.

I think it might be over.

Uh No offense, Bloomer, but it's super weird that I'm in the middle here.

You know, one of the main reasons that I live 110 miles from civilization is I'm kind of allergic to other people's drama.

Including, and sometimes especially when it involves my sister.

That's kind of the whole point, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I know.

Uh You want me to take off? No, man.

Absolutely chill here for a few days if it helps you out.

I would just really enjoy not being involved in any kind of decision-making process.

And respect the limitations of the septic system.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) It's touch-and-go as it is.

Holy shit.

(YELLING) Everything okay? Dude, I'm engaged! Mr.

Caputo, I gotta make a complaint about the fungus in the Spanish showers.

Talk to a CO about that.

I did.

They told me to come to you because you were the only one that could deal with this from high up.

(SIGHS) I bet they did.

I got a serious case underneath my big toenail.

It is all squishy and green under there.

As a matter of fact, let me show you.

No.

That will absolutely not be necessary.

Well, could you at least get Crazy Eyes over to the light brown side? I mean, she's keeping the ghetto cleaner than a nun's chocha, mira.

And another thing, between my pinkie toe and my ring toe, it is bad news, bad news! So when I go to medical call and I show them, they write that shit down, I gotta let them know that I told you guys.

What happened to your shower shoes? So I just passed out sitting there like that, and then when I woke up my zoris, they were gone, right off my feet.

(VOCALIZES) Which reminds me, stealing, that's another problem we've been having.

Well, what are you gonna do, right? At least we got our sanity.

Oh, look at that.

Ten of jack.

Mr.

Caputo, I think I heard somebody crying in the utility closet.

Oh, well, we can't have that.

I'm just saying 'cause we had that suicide and you know how these girls are.

They get an idea in their heads and if you don't watch out they start offing themselves every time they get their period.

I know you guys wrote a really encouraging memo about it, but truth be told, I'm not sure everybody here can read.

I mean, I would look into it myself but I got too much empathy.

Lays me low.

If I am not home in my massage chair holding a glass of Wild Turkey in 25 minutes, I am holding you personally responsible.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Yeah.

That's it, baby.

Faster.

(GRUNTS) Seriously, faster.

Oh, my God.

Here it comes.

Oh, God! Oh, God! I, I love you.

Oh, God! (GROANS) Christ on a cross.

(PANTS) (HUMMING) You seem very chipper this morning.

My lawyer thinks the judge is leaning our way.

We find out this afternoon.

Oh, I have something for you.

Well, honestly, I got it for myself, but I figured you could use it.

For your special day.

I don't know if that is my color.

Hold out your hand.

(SIGHS) You have any big plans if this all works out? There is someone waiting for me.

That is plan enough.

And I'm going to eat dinner at dinner time.

At 7:00, like a person.

What do you think? Pretty.

Hmm.

FIG: Fuck me running.

Are you trying to kill the warden, Joe, is that it? Are you trying to lay him out flat with a stroke? Because hired fucking assassins could not be doing a better job on him than you are right now.

It was an isolated incident.

Oh, right.

Like the hanging two weeks ago.

Or the maple syrup situation before that.

(SIGHS) An armadillo could run this place better than you can, I swear to God.

I can't be everywhere.

You can't blame me for this scumbag deciding last night was his go time to start raping people.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We are not talking about a rape here.

We're not using the "R" word.

A CO fucks an inmate against her will Did she scream? Was she crying? These girls throwing themselves at COs thinking they can get out of here and snag a government pension.

Read the rules, Fig.

The girl can't give consent even if she wants to.

Listen to me.

We are not putting rape on the record right now.

Mendez is gonna take a little leave without pay.

Uh, the stress of the job is getting to him, etcetera.

Frankly, we could use the money, the budget is shot to hell.

I am going to sell this to the warden as a plus.

It's getting a little old cleaning up your messes, Joe.

What the hell happened last night? You okay? Should you be working? I'm fine.

Daya, if he hurt you Bennett, I'm fine.

And now you're fine, too.

What? Now, when they find out I got a baby in me, it ain't gonna come down on you.

Oh, my God.

Don't be mad.

You did it on purpose? Because I love you.

I did it for us.

For us, you fucked Mendez? And you lied? You got him suspended without pay.

Suspended? They ain't fired that fucknut? He raped me.

He didn't rape you, you framed him.

Yeah, but as far as they know.

Anyway, it don't matter.

Everything's gonna be okay now.

Who are you? So what? Leanne call you? She's worried about you.

Said you haven't been yourself.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

She's probably right.

I'm still getting out from under the meds that they gave me.

Why? 'Cause you so much as even squawk about God in here, and you get thrown in with the Looney Toons.

Yeah.

Well, liberals are everywhere.

Yeah.

Well, they ain't wrong, you know? About what? Oh, this girl, Chapman? She made me believe that he'd chose me.

He didn't.

They all disrespecting me, he didn't do nothing.

He let 'em laugh at me.

Conclusion being that I don't think he exists at all.

And if he does, he ain't a person I wanna know.

Matthew 5:11.

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, "and shall speak all manner of evil "against you falsely, for my sake.

" He hasn't abandoned you, Tiffany.

Maybe he just wants you to notice someone who needs him.

She don't need him, okay? All she needs is her own self and her sasquatch of a girlfriend, okay? People hurt other people because they're unhappy.

Because they feel guilty over things they've done and they have no one to forgive them.

You might as well tell me to turn into a duck.

'Cause I ain't forgiving her.

I mean, I have to confess that to you right now, I'm not that big.

God wants you to be that big.

He chose you to be a hero.

Remember how you yourself have been forgiven.

(MONITOR BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY) (GRUNTING) Number five, huh? We should give you a punch-card, get the sixth one free.

You best not waste my squirrel bullets.

She disrespected me.

(GUNSHOT) I assume you heard about Mendez.

I heard he was fraternizing, sir.

"Fraternizing.

" Fischer, I've seen some things I can't unsee.

I can imagine.

More importantly, I've had to put an officer on ice, leaving us short-handed a week before the Christmas pageant.

You have not seen crazy until you've seen 200 women with anger issues fighting over who's gonna be the ass-end of a camel.

Are we working extra hours? Washington won't cover two-ply toilet paper, they're not gonna start shelling out overtime.

We'll get a body in from down the hill.

What I need from you is, not to get yourself in trouble the way Mendez did.

Oh, I'm not gay, sir.

(CHUCKLES) No, God, no, I didn't mean that.

No.

You are straight as they come.

I mean, does a zebra have stripes, am I right? Exactly.

No, what I mean is, you can't go easy on the inmates.

They will take advantage of you.

I saw you yesterday, look the other way when the nun moved a contraband muffin.

Oh, Sister Ingalls is harmless.

Sister Ingalls killed a man.

I thought she was a political protester.

That's not the point.

The point is, these women are criminals.

And even the cuddly-looking ones, they have done some shit that would terrify a kind-hearted person such as yourself.

Fischer, you need to get on your game.

You maintain your authority, you remind them who's in charge.

If you want, I can help you out.

Be a mentor or something.

You think it would help if I use a deeper voice? "Move along, Sister.

" It could, sure.

Also, it helps if you don't use their names.

Just say, "inmate," like they're all the same to you.

It reminds them they're not really people.

They are people.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) You can't think that way.

They are sheep.

We feed them, we herd them from one room to the next.

They're not like you.

You're a woman.

And I'm a man.

All right.

Got the bread crumbs, right? Come back for that.

Take that in.

(CAL LAUGHING) What the fuck is this? Oh, don't start with me.

We are done with factory meat, babe.

There's no reason why we can't responsibly hunt all the animal protein we need.

Yeah, I was hungry.

Is this some kind of game to you? I can't even put this in the compost pile, it'll make the worms sick.

We're 100% on the same page philosophically, babe, but I think we really need to calibrate the intensity factor.

Oh, you think I'm intense? Yeah.

Okay, guess what? Without me, all you're doing is smoking pot in the forest in a flannel shirt and a hipster beard, like a fat Bon Iver, the fucking Jack Johnson of Wisconsin.

Whoa! This is exactly the kind of black-and-white Holstein shit that I'm talking about.

Oh, okay.

You know what the problem is? We are just funda-fucking-mentally different people, at a DNA level! What? Your father is a financial systems analyst! Okay, are you fully committed to living an authentic life, or are you just acting out some Hank-Thoreau-at-Walden-Pond fantasy shit from seventh grade English? Why does it matter? I can't talk to you! (SIGHS) Well, that was awkward.

What, awkward how? It's just tough to watch you hit the rocks like that, man.

No.

That was foreplay, Bloomer.

Yeah, that's, that's how we relate.

It seems a little aggressive.

Think about how baby Cal grew up, all right? Everyone pretended everything was chill.

Dad fucked two different women named Linda, Mom lived on gin and cottage cheese from '91 to about '98 and everyone knew and nobody ever said anything about it.

But with Neri, we put everything out there, man.

It's safe.

You know, we scream and throw shit and it's like, electric, you know what I'm saying? It's erotic, no joke.

I mean, you get it.

You're a Jew.

All right, I just got to say it, man.

You guys have known each other what, nine weeks, tops? Isn't the whole thing a little fast? Oh, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) Maybe it doesn't look like what everyone else thinks it should look like, but who cares? We're crazy, but we are in this.

They said the video machine got unhooked.

There's this, uh, Guatemalan grandma who's been teaching herself English watching Turner and Hooch about six times a day.

I'm guessing someone got tired of it.

I came by yoga today.

Oh.

Well, I'm taking a little break.

I thought yoga was a little break.

It was.

Then I hit you.

You can only take so much Zen, you know? Sometimes you wanna feel something.

You gotta talk about it sometime.

I used to grow marijuana out in California, Humboldt County.

One acre, nothing crazy.

Just enough to keep me going.

Goin', like, baked? Like, pay the rent.

I mean, I smoked it once in a while.

But mostly I was just a good old-fashioned drunk, like my parents raised me to be.

So the Feds shut you down.

Actually, it was the deer.

The who, now? Oh, yeah, deer love weed.

(CHUCKLES) Fucks them right up, too.

They start jumping around all over the place.

Then they come back for more.

And the kicker is, you can't keep them out.

I tried everything.

Soap shavings, fox pee, which they sell at the Home Depot for $120 a gallon.

Seems like you could have just built a fence.

No, a deer can jump an eight-foot barb wire fence with a smile on its face, like Donald O'Connor.

Get to the meat already.

I got a hunting rifle and stayed up all night, four, five times a week.

And finally, one night I see them rustling around the edge of my property, where I was growing the quality shit, this hybrid plant called AK-47, which the fake prescription people eat up like peanuts.

I was pissed.

And drunk? Oh, honey, that goes without saying.

So what happened? I shot him.

And? And it wasn't a deer.

It was an eight-year-old kid from the farm next door who was running away from home because his dad took away his Nintendo.

(SIGHS) A kid.

Shit.

And they buried him on their property, in a box.

(CHUCKLES) Work hours means no socializing whatsoever, inmates.

It was a mistake.

Oh, no.

We're having a moment here.

Shit.

I'm sorry.

Carry on.

POUSSEY: I don't even know what Kwanzaa is.

I mean, except that you're supposed to wear dashikis and eat corn and stuff.

BLACK CINDY: Nobody knows what it is, girl.

But they're taking Fed money up in here, so they gotta give all the traditions equal time.

Hey, you know what? I think I'm gonna be needin' a traditional week off from work.

Hey! To honor my African roots, you feel me? Uh, huh.

Joyous Kwanzaa, my Nubian sister.

(VOCALIZING) (LAUGHING) May the Kwanzaa Elf smile upon ya! And pull it through the loop.

And you got a single crochet stitch.

Ah, ha, ha, ha! Look at that! Ninety-five thousand more of those and you'll have a lovely throw.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, college, I got words for you.

All right, I'm just gonna give it to you straight, college, I've been harboring some really bad hate in my heart for you.

But I saved you.

I got you out of Psych.

You saved me from some shit you got me into.

Don't be surprised if there's not a national holiday declared in your name.

You got me thrown into the SHU Who's talkin' right now? Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me.

A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it.

What do you believe in? Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out.

But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist.

Which is not to say I'm not spiritual You're not religious, okay? Just stop.

Stop.

You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is him.

I'm sorry.

Don't ask for my forgiveness.

You should ask for His forgiveness.

You need to get right with him, and then we'll see that all this was part of His plan.

And then, we don't have to fight anymore.

I wasn't planning on fighting with you.

Well, then, just do it.

Right now? Yeah, right here, right now.

Got somewhere to be? Dear Jesus That's awfully familiar for somebody that doesn't give him the time of day.

Um Dear Mr.

Christ? Dear Mr.

Christ, I know that I've done some things recently that have not been, have been up to your standards.

And I feel pretty ashamed.

It's really easy to point fingers.

And I've done some things lately I feel pretty lousy about.

And I'm wondering if maybe you could make things right between us? Meaning forgiveness? If I could be forgiven, that would be really Um That would be really comforting.

Amen.

How was that? I think you took a step on the right road.

Okay.

(LAUGHING) Now we just gotta get you baptized.

I would've looped in the Blessed Virgin to cover my bases.

But that's me.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) MAN: Let's try again.

Thanks for coming.

What do you want? Wow, way to harsh on a dude when he's down, bro, fuck! You put your dick in Diaz! It's not what it sounds like, man.

She wanted me to do it.

Hey, Benny, I think we're in love.

(EXHALES) You poor fucker.

Yep.

That's okay.

I mean, if we have to spend a little bit of time apart, I can handle that.

I gotta get her a message.

Will you take it? I could get in deep shit for that.

Plus, it's not good for you, man.

It's not healthy.

You need a girl who you can actually be with.

I'm gonna help you out, Benny.

Perfect.

We've got a shipment coming in tomorrow from this vendor called Neptune's Produce.

Stop the truck, get into it before they unload it.

Look for a box with a check mark on the side.

Look, I don't wanna be involved in anything weird.

It's not weird, it's drugs.

Sputnik in the kitchen is dealing to the inmates, turning them into addicts.

It's wrong.

You get that box, bring it to Caputo, he's gonna be grateful.

Butter him up, he'll probably give you a raise right on the spot.

We could all use a little extra cash, am I right? I was gonna be the hero, but I'm gonna give you my win, man.

It's your win now.

Why? Satisfaction.

And this.

I'm not saying yes.

But you will, because you're my brother.

Fuck.

PIPER: You were right.

About Larry, you were right.

I think that I've lost him.

Can I? (MAN ANNOUNCING OVER PA) (SIGHS) So all of my cards are on the table.

Everything.

I'm an emotionally manipulative narcissist who bailed on you when your mother died.

And I'm a ruthless pragmatist who sold you out and then lied about it.

We suck.

(CHUCKLES) It's kind of a relief, though, isn't it? Oh, my God, Piper! I'm getting whiplash here.

I'm not fucking with you.

I've ruined my life now, twice, over you.

So, what's the end game here? When we get out of prison what's the plan? Are we gonna move to Vermont and open a pottery studio and wear Tevas? (CHUCKLES) That sounds more like Santa Fe.

I'm being serious.

Are you gonna get a job? Hmm Like a regular person? I mean, I can't even imagine what that would look like.

Me neither.

I'm good at moving large amounts of heroin.

Like, really fucking brilliant at it.

Other than that, I don't know.

One thing that I do know is that I am never, ever coming back to prison.

Listen, I am not planning on going back to doing illegal shit.

I'm not planning anything.

I don't know what's gonna happen, and that's the point of being with me.

If you wanna have babies and remodel your bathroom, then, please go.

Do.

Nest.

If you wanna do X on a beach in Cambodia with three strangers in drag I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but it could.

I love Cambodia.

Me too.

Chapman, you blinked.

Vause wins.

Yo, you seen her yet? Who? Princess Stephanie of Monaco.

Your roommate.

Lorna drove her back up, you haven't heard? Her appeal went kaput.

Better sleep with both eyes open tonight.

Oh, shit.

Inmate, where's your badge? Inmate, I'm talking to you.

That nail polish is non-regulation, too.

Where did you get that? I said, where did you get that? (GASPING) Take your hands off her, Pelage.

You're headed to Max, inmate.

Doesn't matter.

(COUGHING) Get up.

Get up! Come on, you.

What we lookin' at? Taystee? You ain't got to be alone no more.

What is this? This is me never having to make mac and cheese in the common room microwave again.

It smells like a salmon farted in it.

You don't know when Miss Claudette is coming back.

You put your hand on a guard, you go to Max, you don't come back.

Everybody know that.

We goin' to my bunk, where Book of Eli never happened.

Hey! Hey, I get the blanket.

Well, look at you, Miss Thing.

I was her roommate.

I took her shit and I listened to her snore.

The blanket is mine.

I've got three of them.

Kill, Little Boo, kill! We're working on it.

Good girl.

You wanna talk about it? Not really.

I have to give you a titty-twister, you'll be feelin' that shit next week.

What they don't tell you when you get out? They gonna be up your ass like the KGB.

Curfew every night, piss in a cup whenever they say, you gotta do three job interviews in a week for jobs you never gonna get.

Probation officer callin' every minute, checkin' up.

Man, at least in jail you get dinner.

Ow, man! What the fuck? Man, where do you think you at, Paris Hilton? Yo, it's bitches in here doing 15 years for lettin' their boyfriends do deals in the kitchen 'cause they was afraid of getting beat if they said no.

And there's bitches ain't seen their kids since they was babies, and them kids got they own babies now, or they're runnin' around the street carryin' guns and shit, no one watching over 'em.

Yo, I been in here two years and I got four more.

Eight months ago when I was waxin' fuckin' floors in the cafeteria, my moms passed.

And I wasn't there to say the shit you supposed to say to your mom before she gone.

So I know you ain't tellin' me in my face right now that you walked back in this place 'cause freedom was inconvenient for you? It ain't like that, P.

Minimum wage is some kinda joke.

I got part-time workin' at Pizza Hut, and I still owe the prison $900 in fees I gotta pay back.

I ain't got no place to stay.

I was sleepin' on the floor in my second cousin apartment like a dog, and she still got six people in two rooms.

One of the bitches stole my check.

I got lice.

Everyone I know is poor, in jail, or gone.

Don't nobody ask about how my day went.

Man, I got fucked up in the head, you know? I know how to play it here.

Where to be, and what rules to follow.

I got a bed.

And I got you.

I really missed you.

I didn't mean to let you down.

So what did you do to land yourself back in here? (CHUCKLES) Well, first, I got a can of Rockstar and 100 paper clips.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I found it in the shed behind Electrical.

If they see us with that, we both go straight to the SHU.

So don't let them see us.

What kind of voltage are we talking about here? No idea.

That's what makes it exciting.

You don't wanna do it, that's cool.

We just go back to our regular, prison lives.

Work, sleep, count.

(GRUNTS) Shit.

Oh, my God! Wait, come on, Jones.

Oh, man! I didn't think it was like that.

Shit.

I'm sorry.

No, it's cool.

I feel good.

I feel better.

You're serious? I kind of needed that.

Here, you gonna go? You ready to get dunked? I got towels so don't worry about that.

Oh, God, the baptism thing.

You were serious.

What about me makes you think I wouldn't be serious? Good point.

Uh I have visitation today.

It's Larry's day.

Or was.

We haven't talked but I'm really hoping he'll be there.

So just go after.

This takes a few minutes.

And that's not a lot of time to get your ticket to the Kingdom of Heaven, which is forever and ever, amen.

Wow.

(CHUCKLES) That was a sign.

I think he's back on my side.

How did you sleep, Tiffany? Who's askin'? I'm your lawyer.

You ain't my lawyer.

My lawyer is fat and his name is Wesley Weeks.

Wesley Weeks is a C-minus public defender who will plead you out without even looking at your file.

I think you'll find that the Christian firm of Turro, Payne and Whorton will serve your interests much better.

You're gonna get me out of jail? Well, if you shoot somebody in broad daylight, with witnesses, you're gonna do some time, that's a fact.

But, I will see that you do less time.

Couple of procedural challenges, plus we're gonna argue that you did what you did based on the moral conviction that you were saving lives.

Defenseless, innocent lives.

I didn't (SHUSHING) I can't afford a fancy lawyer.

My fees have already been settled.

And there's a small monthly stipend going to your family, to help them while their daughter serves her time.

How's this being paid for? By the grace of God.

And also, all your friends.

Good God! (CROWD CHEERING) Order in the court.

I want order in this courtroom! All of you, sit down! Look, I understand that this is important to you, but I don't think College? Don't let me down.

Okay, fine.

Fine, I have 10 minutes.

Perfect.

Running I really fucking needed this, Bennett.

Just doing my job, sir.

This is the kind of thing I remember when it's time to move somebody up the ladder.

That kitchen Commie cunt is finally going down.

Oh, man! Beautiful! (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) I have a whole life in front of me.

I don't want to spend it watching "Storage Wars" She's bored.

You should take her out more.

Well, maybe I would take her out more if she didn't flirt with other men.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Have you been acting like a slut? I have a body! I can't help it if people look.

She says it's not her fault if other people look at her.

Maybe you're too jealous.

All I want is a nice quiet life, is that so much to ask? (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) He wants peace and quiet.

He's got a government job, dummy.

It could be much worse.

His toenails scratch me in bed.

Okay, you have to get a pedicure.

The long toenails are a problem.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Caputo wants to see you.

I'm busy.

I'd go now if I were you.

That little bitch Mendez.

Couldn't go down like a man.

I'm confused here.

If it goes bad, take care of my girls.

Bennett, explain this immediately.

Bennett! (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) I need to talk about grocery money.

Behold! (CHEERING) I bring the lost sheep back to the 99.

All right, as you know, we don't have a river to dunk you in, but we cleaned out the muck sink.

And yeah, you might just wanna take off your shirt.

Okay! Nope, see, I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

I really want us to get along, I do, but I can't pretend to believe in something I don't.

And I don't.

Chapman, we've all had our doubts.

No, see, this isn't doubts.

I believe in science, I believe in evolution.

I believe in Nate Silver and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Christopher Hitchens, although I do admit, he could be kind of an asshole.

I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get wacked with machetes.

I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell, I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel.

I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that.

I mean, don't you? The angel thing does seem kind of desperate.

I thought you was a Christian.

I am, but I got some questions.

PIPER: Look, I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us.

And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier.

But I can't.

Feelings aren't enough.

I need it to be real.

I gotta go.

I tried to be your friend.

I hope he makes you very happy.

Excuse me.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING) Hello? ANDREW: I'm looking for Natalie Figueroa.

You found her.

Ms.

Figueroa, this is Andrew Nance calling from The City Post, online edition.

I recently caught a public radio interview with Larry Bloom.

He's engaged to a Litchfield inmate named Piper Chapman? I'm sorry, I've never heard of this person.

Oh.

Well in his interview, Mr.

Bloom mentioned some cutbacks at Litchfield this year.

The closing of the track, for instance, the GED program shutting down, medications switched to generics, those kinds of things.

All of which seem to have been attributed to budgetary considerations? Well, we do the best with what we've got, but there's always a bottom line to consider, obviously.

I understand that, obviously.

But, I did some digging into the budget allocation for New York and as it turns out, Litchfield actually got an increase over the last five years of $2.

3 million.

So, what I'm wondering is, where did all that money go? I'll have to look into that.

As I understand it, you're in charge of day-to-day operations at the prison I said I'd look into it.

I'm really glad that you're here.

Listen, neither of us understood how crazy this was gonna be.

We thought, "Sure, we'll get married after.

" Like, we were just gonna pick up where we left off.

But, Piper, this, this is changing you, it's changing me.

You didn't ask for any of this.

No.

But we're here.

It's messy and weird and we're gonna do stupid and lonely and embarrassing shit.

And either we can do it together, get married, now, in this room, possibly, as soon as we can file the paperwork, and do it as husband and wife or Or we have to break up.

Because this thing that we're doing now, this in-between? I can't.

So, what do you say? PENNSATUCKY: You know what I got to do.

Hmm? Hmm? She disrespected me.

ALL: Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, I'm gonna have to kill her.