(THEME SONG PLAYING) Don't fucking touch it.

We'll take care of it from here.

(GUARD ANNOUNCING OVER PA) This shit better be spotless when I get back.

Here you go.

It's okay.

Wow.

It's tight in here with three people, huh? Tell me how it's also dark at night and cold in the snow.

(DAYANARA COUGHING) Hey, hey, you're gonna need to clean that up.

That's all you gotta say to the mother of your child? You have to be quiet, please.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Can I do anything or So what do you want? Hurry it up.

It fucking stinks in here.

I have a plan.

It's a pretty good one, I think.

You see, I told you.

So there's this thing called furlough, where they grant an inmate temporary leave I know what furlough is.

They don't actually give that shit to anyone.

Ever.

It's rare, yes.

But my uncle knows the warden.

I think we can make an appeal.

For the love of your poor, long-suffering grandma.

Mama Lourdes? Ay, Mama Lourdes is so mean, she's gonna outlive all of us.

He's talking about a fake abuela, who's really sick.

Then fake abuela fake dies.

And you get to leave for the weekend to go to her fake funeral.

What's that have to do with the baby? Ay, Dios mio, between the two of yous, this child's gonna be When you start to show and we can't hide it anymore, we tell everyone that you got your pussy fucked while you were on furlough.

Peg-leg Pete here gets to keep his job and no one knows shit.

Get it? Yo, that shit is smart.

Thanks.

But it ain't never gonna work.

Like you're the first person who ever tried this game.

Well, it's all we have, right? So, I'll submit it today.

Just do your best to hide the puking.

(VOMITING) Hi.

Larry Bloom.

I'm here for Urban Tales.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Great.

You can have a seat.

Maury's not quite ready for you.

Can I get you anything while you wait? Water? Coffee? Sir? Sorry Yes.

Water, please.

Would be great.

Got to keep the vocal chords hydrated, you know? Too eager? Just a little.

Okay.

Thank you.

You here for Urban Tales? I am, yeah.

Ben Palmer.

Larry Bloom.

Does your boyfriend live far away? My fiancee is in prison.

She's a she.

She's a girl.

The cardigan threw me.

So, prison? That's gotta be some rough stuff, huh? Yeah.

It's very difficult.

How about you? My husband's a scientist down at McMurdo in Antarctica.

So, it's a different kind of prison.

Jeez.

Yeah, that's like, as long distance as you can get.

Haven't seen him in almost two years.

Where's your fiancee locked up? She's upstate.

I get to see her, you know, pretty often.

Ready, guys? It's gonna be a great show.

I'm sorry Okay.

Thanks.

NICKY: Hey, heard your dude's gonna be on the radio tomorrow.

What? Where did you hear that? Well, a little birdie who listens to NPR in her transport van told me.

You didn't know? No, I had no idea.

I have not been able to get in touch with him for a week.

Maybe he's cheating on me with Maury Kind.

Oh.

Then you'd both be gay.

So post-modern.

You know, it's like the sole purpose of these things is to end up tangled.

Why has no one figured out a solution yet? All right, Seinfeld.

Calm down.

You in a hurry to hang yourself with it? Less than 24 hours and you're making a joke? Someone is dead.

Jesus Christ.

You having your red dot special? Communists in your funhouse? Crimson tide? Okay, perfect.

By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses.

You really just say menses? That's gross.

You're gross.

Great comeback.

Excuse me, inmate? What did you say to me? Hey, Chapman.

Oh! Pick your battles.

Didn't your vacation on the sunny island of SHU teach you anything? Are they really not gonna have a memorial for her? Are you kidding? The administration cares about burying the story, not her.

Well, fuck that.

Everybody deserves a funeral.

I'm gonna organize something for her.

You barely knew her.

What are you doing? I'm untangling.

Have you ever seriously considered suicide? What are you? One of those hippy-dippy docs? Like, if I told you I was dreaming about a pineapple you would ask me if I wanna have sex with my mama? Hmm? Have you experienced any of the following during the last two weeks? Anxiety? Of course I've experienced anxiety.

You think this is an easy job? Having to heal the whole world with just these 10 fingers.

It's a lot of pressure.

Loss of appetite? What does that have to do with anything? Hmm? Doc? You know, it's people like you that give America a bad name.

You all go squawking around talking about guns being dangerous, when all you want to do is shove pills down people's throats.

When all they need is just a little bit of faith.

Ask me about my appetite.

Why? Because I'm just naturally kind of skinny? Miss Doggett, if you could please just answer the question.

I have answered the question.

I'm not crazy.

I'm chosen.

There's a difference.

Now, if you just let me out of this cage, we can both get back to our jobs.

Please? You've stated that you believe God is speaking to you and allowing you (GROANS) I don't have to believe, Doc.

I know.

Why don't you just go ask some of the other girls? They're all gonna tell you.

I've been healing ailments left and right.

Miracle.

There's proof.

These hallucinations you've been having I'm not having fucking hallucinations! I don't belong in here! Come on! Miss Doggett I'm not a freaking animal, get me out! Miss Doggett, when you calm down I will get you on a sedative, take you to a nice room I don't need any sedatives! Jesus has my back! Please! Doc! Doc, come back! An inmate is dead and a crippled delinquent was attacked.

What happened yesterday was an epic fuckup, people.

All of you better get on your knees tonight and pray that none of those kids' families sue the shit out of the DOC, because we're all out of a job if they do.

You think she's gonna get on her knees tonight? Something funny, gentlemen? Hi.

I was just wondering, is there gonna be an investigation into Miller's death? Our manual says that the FBI is supposed to be informed anytime there's This was a clear-cut suicide case.

There's nothing to investigate.

The body was cremated.

May she rest in peace.

So, the warden has asked us to draft a memo to distribute to the inmates, telling them that we care, the services that are available, etc.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm sorry, but how is this a good use of our time, exactly? Excuse me? I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got real work to do.

Sit down.

Unless you want me to tell the warden that you refused to participate.

So, who wants to begin? We should offer our condolences, right? Insurance companies always tell you not to apologize when you're in an accident.

Admits fault.

Just say, "Being locked up sucks.

"But that's no reason to hang yourself, "slit your wrists or chug Mendez out.

You think a dead prisoner is a joke, Mendez? Something to make light of? Let me be clear.

When these women are at Litchfield, they're in our care.

And yesterday, we failed.

A girl died because of us.

All of us.

So quit fucking around and show some goddamn humanity.

(EXHALES) Heavy stuff, huh? Yeah.

It's so hard to believe.

What are you doing tonight? Nothing.

Probably gonna watch some SportsCenter, hit the hay.

You want to Want to get a drink? You know I would, I have a thing Come on.

Don't be a pussy.

One drink.

You can watch your gay sports show tomorrow.

Yeah.

All right.

Cool.

See you in the parking lot.

Hey.

I wanna order some of that ginger gum.

I got some commissary credit.

There's ginger ale at commissary.

No, I tried that shit.

I got a really bad stomach thing.

What's my name? What? I said, what's my name? I don't know.

Exactly.

All day long it's, "Get me this, get me that.

" There are, what, 250 women in here? Is it that hard to know my name? I bet you know Red's name.

We can't help you.

What? Look, I don't mean no problems.

Gloria said I should ask in here.

No problem.

Gina's a sensitive little squirrel when she's on the rag.

Your daughter's pregnant, yes? What? No.

There's this stomach thing going around.

She hasn't eaten in weeks.

She's nauseous all the time but still has a glow on her skin.

It's none of your business.

You bring it into my kitchen, you make it my business.

Okay, Sherlock.

Yes.

You got it.

PORNSTACHE: You're out of bounds, inmate! Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, what's your sign? Yo! My sign is get your ass up and help me with this shit.

You don't wanna know what the planets have in store for you, that's your business.

Man, the planets have jail in store for me.

(CHUCKLING) And some more of the same tomorrow, and the day after that.

Yeah.

Aries.

All right.

"It might be an excellent time to take a trip "or see a new part of the world.

"Expand your horizons, dear Aries.

" Yo! (CHUCKLES) Expand your horizons, boo.

Stupid.

This is for the birds.

Hate to break it to you, son, but we the birds.

If you want me to read yours, all you had to do was ask.

What's your sign? Taurus.

Oh, yeah, you a stubborn bull, all right.

Okay.

"The news that you've been waiting for "might be delivered in a few days, "and will likely be positive.

"Gather your loved ones around, "in case you need extra support for the changes to come.

" Yo, your appeal.

I don't think that's any of your business.

Excuse me.

So, what's up? You really believe in all that stuff? Sure do.

But this paper's eight months old.

What? Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHING) (DOOR OPENING) Oh.

Okay.

Here's some advice, when a girl makes you cum the way that I do, you should always act thrilled to see her.

Stop it.

Okay.

You're not in the mood to banter, I withdraw my bant.

Mmm.

I asked some of the girls to come help me plan a memorial for Tricia, nobody showed up.

I don't get it.

I guess I'm the only one who cares if there is a funeral.

Okay.

That's not the most self-involved thing I've heard you say, but it's definitely up there.

Please.

Alex, will you stop pretending like nothing happened? Pipes, you can't force people to mourn the way you want them to just because it'll make you feel better.

That's not what I'm doing.

Really? No! 'Cause I think we both know that dealing with emotional chaos is not one of your strong suits.

Which is why we're not having an affair, we're just being human.

And why you are planning a memorial for a girl that you barely knew.

We talked.

I did know her.

Did you know her better than you knew my mom? That's not fair.

None of it was fair.

Look, life gets messy sometimes.

You know, you gotta learn you can't always fix it.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.

It's off to work I go.

Oh! Don't mind me, ladies.

Just gonna do a little buffering.

All in a day's work.

Vanilla and vanilla Swirl, swirl Swirl, swirl ♪ You know, I don't actually think it's a swirl if it's the same flavor.

You know, if you were still my wife, I would tell you all the time how much I like your titties.

'Cause girls like that.

And that is a tip from me to you.

Alex, I miss you.

I don't have time to wander around flea markets and drink cafe au lait with you.

But I'm so cute.

Look how cute I am.

Babe, I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking stressed.

But you're always so fucking stressed.

I feel like a pathetic housewife.

Is this our life now? Hey.

Hey.

Let me take you out tonight, okay? Anywhere you want to go.

Okay? Okay.

Hey, would you be up for a trip to Istanbul this weekend? Yes! Of course! Oh, babe, that's great.

Thank you.

I think you should be able to get there and back in a day, so you won't even have to stay overnight.

I'm gonna call and set up your ticket for you.

Oh, my God.

I thought for a second you meant we would go together.

Like a vacation.

Like normal people.

I need you to do this.

I wouldn't ask if I had any another option.

I specifically told you that I would never do that again.

Jesus, I am so stupid.

I really am.

I'm just another drug mule to you.

You are such a naive asshole sometimes.

I'm an asshole? I'm drowning right now and you won't even consider helping me.

I am done.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't be with you.

Are you serious? Where are you gonna go? I don't know where I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go back to the States, where I'm not your errand girl.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.

How did I not see this You know what, I did see this coming.

Years ago.

Rule number one.

Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl.

Is that what you think this is about? That I like dick? You know, I guess that is easier than facing the fact that you are a drug dealer.

And it is ruining everything good in your life.

Don't you dare push this on me.

You knew exactly what you were getting into.

I thought we were a team.

This shit is weird.

Why aren't we playing dominoes? And what's she doing here? You gotta fuck Pornstache.

What the fuck? What are you even talking about? If you want to keep your baby and Bennett, this is the only way.

Otherwise, you don't get both.

You just gotta get him to fuck you.

Then you go to Caputo, and tell him that Pornstache raped you, you got the proof.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say.

You let soldier boy dream about his furlough.

It ain't gonna happen.

Girls in here miss their own mother's funeral.

And I think we all know your mother's doing just fine.

I don't care.

I won't cheat on John.

I love him.

Of course, which is exactly why this is your only option.

We've all known girls in your situation, and do you know what happens to them? They get punished.

Sent out to the SHU.

Transferred to maximum security.

And when it comes out that Bennett is the father, he'll be arrested and convicted as a sex offender and he'll go to prison, too.

This is bigger than you.

Every decision you make now affects your family.

Welcome to motherhood.

Even if I say yes, and I'm not, how would I get him to do it? You're good at getting guys to sleep with you, no? No.

Toss those.

Here, I'll take that.

Used it on her corn rows.

(CHUCKLES) You called her "corn hoes" when she and Mercy started dating.

Yes, well, that was before she was dead.

Besides, I told Mercy I'd keep a few things for her.

You talked to Mercy? Yeah.

I mean, somebody had to talk to her.

That was good of you, Boo.

Yeah.

Remember when Danita tried to do Trish's corn rows? (BOTH CHUCKLING) Even Black Cindy couldn't fix that shit.

Yeah.

Poor kid.

She walked around looking like Ursula from The Little Mermaid for weeks.

You eat.

Thank you.

BIG BOO: Fucking Chang.

Who would've thought it, huh? Yeah.

Hey! Fresh out of the microwave.

Gracias.

Always thought Tricia seemed nice.

I mean, I never talked to her much or nothing, but she had a good vibe.

MARITZA: Yeah.

Sucks she hung herself.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Yeah.

Gracias.

Let me smell.

What do you think? What's up? Thought y'all could use some comfort food.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, shit! You know, I talked to her once in the food line.

Man, we both hated goulash day.

She pulled off them rows really nice, too.

Yeah.

Well, for a white girl.

Thanks for all of this.

Oh, also This.

(CHUCKLES) Holy shit.

Looks like they forgot to turn these potatoes into chips.

Open that up, shawty.

BLACK CINDY: Shit! You gotta check this out.

What? Let me see.

What? No fucking way.

Fucking check it out! You gotta pour one out for her, right? Thanks, son.

Yeah.

Looks like we throwing a party.

Fucking-A.

We were having our coffee, reading the paper.

And all of a sudden there are two huge guys with badges at our front door.

Piper wasn't even dressed.

You never expect to be in your pajamas the moment your life changes forever.

That's true, isn't it? At the very least you'd have underwear on, hopefully.

(CHUCKLES) And how did you feel once you started to understand that she'd actually committed the crime? That your fiancee was an indicted criminal? I was blindsided, that's for sure.

But it's like anything, eventually it starts to feel normal.

You figure out the right words to say to other people.

You adjust.

I have to assume that Piper is much more fortunate than a lot of the women in there with her.

You're able to drive up to see her, you have resources, family.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're very lucky.

I see her a lot.

What are your visits like? Oh, you know.

She catches me up on all the latest prison gossip.

Which is actually highly entertaining.

Really? Yeah.

Can you tell us some of your favorite stories? Oh, man.

Well, I think my favorite is one of the first.

Ow! Dandelion! You okay? No touching.

No touching, okay? I'm fine.

I'm real sorry about that.

There used to be a sign that said, "Caution.

Wet floor.

" Really told people what was going on.

(GROANING) Suzanne, do you think you could help me up? It's okay.

Okay.

Man.

Okay.

Here we go.

Okay.

(EXCLAIMS IN ALARM) Okay.

Okay.

This is my fault.

This is my fault.

My fault.

My fault.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Please, don't, please, please, please, don't do that.

Please It's okay.

Thanks.

I'm gonna make sure you get home okay.

No weird stuff.

Thanks.

You know this doesn't mean I'm your wife, right? (CHUCKLES) I'm in much more of a loving-being-single phase, anyway.

I don't wanna be tied down.

You feel me? Oh, I feel you.

Thank you, Suzanne.

Thank you very much.

Ah! Suzanne, would you mind taking this pillow and putting it underneath my knee? You're not gonna pee, are you? No.

When I get angry sometimes I can't control myself.

That's why I go to Looney Jail sometimes.

Psych.

But not like "psych!" I gotta work on self-control.

I can come back up here when I'm in control 'cause Mommy and Daddy and the lawyer have an agreement with the warden.

Yeah.

I like it up here.

I just gotta use the signal.

What's the signal? Yeah.

Helps the guards know it's cool.

Otherwise, back down.

Is Psych worse than the SHU? Way worse.

Scary.

It's bold.

Cold.

Old.

It's real bad.

I wouldn't wish it on the worst gremlin.

But they give you a therapist No.

Nope.

I mean, they give me medication and make me calm.

But that just makes me sleepy.

Sometimes when I'm real upset, they tie me down.

Like a balloon.

So I don't fly away.

That sounds horrible.

Yeah.

Nobody comes back from Psych.

Except me.

Once you go to Psych, you get lost in Psych.

It's like that place with the three corners? In the ocean? The Bermuda Triangle.

We should play charades sometime, Dandelion.

We'd make great partners.

Not wives.

Just partners.

Oh, can I ask you one more question? Yeah, of course.

How come everyone calls me Crazy Eyes? (GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION) Oh! God, no! (SOBBING) Another five milligrams of diazepam for Doggett.

I don't need any more.

I don't need no Hey! I'm not crazy.

Jesus, where are you when I need you? No! Please.

I'm not crazy, I swear.

If you weren't crazy, you wouldn't have to work so hard to convince everyone you're sane.

LORNA: To Tricia.

May she rest in peace.

Hey, Boo! Hey! Oh, fuck off! Got to pour one out for our girl, huh? Shit.

Take it, take it.

I thought you said they weren't doing rounds today.

Oh, it's just you.

Yeah.

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF) Girl, get your ass in here.

So this is what you guys decided to do instead of come to my memorial? Huh? Get drunk? Which looks like more fun? Point, Nun.

(CHUCKLES) No, I can't.

Hey, hand it over.

Used to be a lady in here who made the best toilet hooch you've ever had.

Shame she got out.

Mmm! Why is having a drink so cathartic sometimes? Booze helps you process.

At least where I come from.

My family just yelled at each other when they drank and then pretended like nothing happened.

Ah.

This explains the wide-eyed, ice-princess uptight thing.

I'm not uptight! (ALL LAUGHING) Really? Is that funny? It's really that hilarious? No, it's fine.

You're awfully quiet, Nichols.

It's been a long day, you know? BIG BOO: Look at this shit.

Still kept track of everything she owed everybody.

How's that for karma, huh? Yoga? That girl, she was good.

Better than any of us.

Too fucking good for this fucking place.

Well, fuck that.

We all are.

To Trish.

ALL: To Trish.

Hey, come on, Benny.

Shoot one back with me, bud? Nah, it's all right.

I'm driving.

Suit yourself.

(EXCLAIMS QUIETLY) Hello, ladies.

How are we doing this evening? Buy us a drink? Are you serious? That's the first thing you say to me, buy us a fucking drink? You believe these fucking sluts, Bennett? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm sorry.

We just had a long week, we're letting off some steam here.

He didn't mean it.

Yeah, 'cause we work at the prison.

No shit? That's gotta be scary.

A girl died yesterday.

Hung herself.

Should've seen how her eyes fucking bulged out of her head.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Like that actor, that Oh, come on, (STAMMERS) the one with the big eyes Oh, come on! You know, the fucking The ugly one.

All right.

I think, maybe we should get you home, man.

Oh.

You know what pisses me off, Benny? (BURPS) These fucking bitches look at me like I'm some goddamn piece of meat, you know? Like a fucking sex toy.

But I'm a human being, man.

I'm a person, you know, with feelings and emotions.

Does anybody ever ask me how my day is going? No.

We practically live with these girls.

We know everything about them.

Do they ever for a second think about our life outside of work? It's like we cease to exist outside of those fucking walls.

What the fuck is that? I'm sitting here, right? Yeah, I exist! They think I'm so tall, my feelings don't get hurt.

All right, yeah.

You are tall, buddy.

Come on.

I'll drive you home.

All right.

All right, all right.

Still a lightweight, huh, kid? Hooch is a little stronger than Pinot Grigio, you know? You're looking very nice today.

Better than you, at least.

Are you off to see you-know-who? Perhaps.

Well, don't forget Larry's interview is at 11:00 a.

m.

I wouldn't miss it.

ALEX: Well, you two are like real butt buddies these days.

What do you think about that thing that Big Boo said last night? About Tricia's karma? I think that we were all drunk and bullshitting.

What if it's not bullshit? I don't think that Pennsatucky deserves to be in Psych.

Look, you're just hung over and feeling emo, all right? She's exactly where she belongs.

We basically performed a public service.

It's pretty horrible, Alex.

You thought it was hilarious.

That was before I talked to Suzanne about what psych was like.

Who's Suzanne? Crazy Eyes.

Are you cheating on me and Larry with Crazy Eyes? 'Cause there is not room for the four of us.

Shut up.

This is not funny.

She said that Psych is even worse than the SHU.

And I can't even begin I can't.

You know, you really shouldn't have started this whole gaslighting thing.

Whoa, what is with the blaming? You sent her into that bathroom.

Do not project your conscience onto me.

Especially before I'm barely awake.

You know, you're absolutely right.

You're absolutely right.

I am gonna go to Caputo's office and I'm gonna tell him that it was my fault and that he should let her out.

Okay, I get your point, Pipes.

I get it.

You think that it was wrong.

Cool.

I am so tired of running away from my shit, Alex.

You said it yesterday.

I compartmentalize everything to make myself feel better.

I mean, I'm having an affair with you.

And we did not play a prank on Pennsatucky, we were mean.

I cannot let her stay in Psych.

I can't.

Okay, I would like to stress that I think this is truly fucking stupid.

It was me that started this whole thing.

Then I'll take this one for the both of us.

PIPER: Are you off the phone now? It wasn't in the bathroom, either.

Did you look at all while I was out? Alex, I understand you're upset, but could you at least acknowledge I'm a person who is speaking? If I miss this flight I'm screwed.

Alex! Passport! Hello? My mom died.

What? My aunt just called up.

It happened this morning, I guess.

Oh, Alex.

I'm so sorry.

My first instinct was to call her to talk about it.

What happened? An aneurysm.

I don't know.

My aunt said so many things I don't even remember now.

What can I do? I don't know.

I mean, I need to fly home.

I need to figure out the funeral because there's no one else to do it.

Okay.

Will you see if you could find us two seats out on a flight today? Al, I can't go with you.

What? I am so sorry about your mom.

But this doesn't change anything.

You're still leaving? Right now? My mother just died.

I can't fucking believe you.

I can't be your girlfriend anymore.

Yeah, and apparently not even my friend.

Top drawer, underneath my T-shirts.

Jesus, Alex! You fucking hid it? Please don't leave.

Not now.

(SIGHS) You shouldn't really be out here.

It's okay.

I wanted to see you.

How are you feeling? (SIGHS) Okay.

A little better.

You heard anything from the warden? No.

I'm To be honest, I think I might have underestimated how long it'll take.

They said it could be weeks, or maybe even months.

We don't got much time.

I know.

Daya, look, I'm really starting to freak out a little.

I mean, I'm trying to be cool.

But, you know, I could be arrested for this.

It's not just my job.

It's my whole life, you know? And I know it's yours, too, of course.

I don't know how we're gonna fix this It'll be okay.

I know it will.

We'll figure something out, okay? Okay.

You know, would you have liked me if we would have met out in the real world? Yeah.

For real? Of course.

I would've bought you a drink.

Chatted you up.

I don't know if we would have been in the same club.

Who knows? You know, I ended up in a skeezy dive bar with Mendez last night.

Never thought I'd be in a place like that.

Oh, man, he was so drunk.

Really? Wasted, Daya.

Oh, it was hilarious.

These two nasty girls started hitting on him, then he went on this whole rant about how women treat him like meat and never ask him how he's doing or anything.

Who knew he was such a delicate flower? I wish you could've seen it.

Me, too.

Mr.

Caputo? What do you need, Chapman? I'd like to talk to you about Tiffany Doggett.

We took care of her.

She won't be a problem anymore.

It wasn't her fault.

It was mine.

And I would like to fill out a report.

Officially.

Have a seat.

(SIGHS) What the fuck are you doing? You are out of bounds.

Get back behind the line immediately, inmate.

Sorry, I was just I wanted to talk.

Is that okay? You must get bored in here.

It's not stimulating, no.

You like other posts more than the bubble? Cafeteria's my favorite.

More to do, keeps you busy.

Fucking hate that intake.

The goddamn ID machine's always broken.

Why? No reason.

Just curious about your day.

Well, it's important to stay occupied.

That's why I work on these brain exercises.

You know, a job like this, you gotta stay sharp.

You gotta stay on top of your game.

You gotta stay a step ahead.

Quick like a snake.

In case any crossword criminals jump out at you? (CHUCKLES) You know, the other day I just read this article about Sudoku.

Turns out, the Japanese did not invent it.

Some American, some guy came up with it, originally called it Numbers Place.

Now I don't know what Sudoku means in Japanese, but I find it a little bit odd that it came out right before 9/11.

You are glowing.

Am I? Jean, I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'll hear about my appeal soon.

Where would you like to go? What do you mean? On your first night out.

Where should we go? Anywhere you like.

You must believe, lanmou mwen.

Believe and it will happen.

You remember that little Italian place down in the basement, on Montague Street? The one with the fresh bread.

Of course I do.

I'd like to go there.

And after? Anywhere, with you.

MAN ON PA: Attention all officers, intake for new prisoners will be in one hour.

Come in.

She's family.

I'll do it.

I got it all set up.

You're sure? Did you tell him you wanted drugs? No, I just talked to him.

Simple.

It's clean.

I like it.

I didn't want to be this graphic in front of your mother.

But you know he needs to Cum inside of you.

Or on you.

Right.

Okay, if At the very least, you got to Lewinsky this shit.

Get some splooge on your uniform.

Anything that'll be concrete proof.

After you're done, you go straight to the medic's office.

Tell him you've been raped.

Have him do an exam immediately.

Don't stop to pee.

Don't wash anything.

Understand? Go get 'em, tiger.

Well, you're not in the SHU.

Mmm-mmm.

Janitorial duty.

Night shift.

Two weeks.

You're lucky.

You better be careful for a while.

No, no, no, no, no.

I think that looks like the exact opposite of being careful.

Regnery is on duty again.

Come be my little spoon.

Gosh! Ow.

How do you sleep on this thing? Not well.

(MENDEZ ANNOUNCING ON PA) Hey, I am proud of you.

Yeah? Yeah.

That was really brave.

I mean, it was dumb, but brave.

You know, I don't think that anyone has ever used that word to describe me in the history of the universe.

I'm glad we have each other in here, kid.

Yeah, me, too.

I mean, I'd rather be on a beach in Tahiti, but this is a close second.

Why do you always feel so inevitable to me? I heart you.

You heart me? (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

What is that? Is that like "I love you" for pussies? Say "pussy" again.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) I heart you, too.

NICKY: Hey, not-lesbians.

It's 11:00.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Do you have a radio? Yeah.

Are you gonna be okay to listen to this thing together? I mean, I don't think it's against the rules.

Okay.

Okay.

Here.

MAURY KIND: Chances are, most of you have been there.

It starts with two people in love.

You make a lot of promises, tell each other you're different from the rest, the exception.

For a month or two, the long, meandering conversations feel foreign and exciting.

A chance to get to know one another in a more intimate level.

And then, slowly, so slowly you might not even notice, conversations are replaced by missed calls and resentful voicemails.

And then finally, the day comes when the two of you admit that you aren't, in fact, the exception.

That being far away from the person you love most is difficult on the good days and impossible on the bad ones.

Today, we're exploring long-distance relationships and talking with a few New Yorkers who are currently navigating these treacherous waters.

I'm Maury Kind, encouraging you to take a break from life and join us, won't you? Can you tell us some of your favorite stories? Oh, man.

Well, I think my favorite is one of the first.

This insane girl, like, actually insane, the kind of person who belongs in a psychiatric hospital not a prison, but that's a whole other discussion.

She decides that Piper is going to be her wife.

She followed her around for days.

Wrote her this horrible poem.

MAURY KIND: Do things like that concern you in terms of Piper's safety? LARRY: Of course.

Yeah, of course.

Absolutely.

I know she can handle herself, but when you're dealing with unstable women, you have no idea what they're actually capable of.

I mean, when your fiancee says that she sleeps with one eye open because her roommate is rumored to be a murderer and might shiv her in her sleep, it's impossible not to be scared.

And I don't want to imply that they're all crazy and dangerous.

There's one girl who should've been a track star.

She was actually gonna start training again while she was in there, but they shut the track down because of budget cuts.

There's the girl who has been planning her wedding for months, just like everything is normal.

Oh, but she is also sleeping with the hot, lesbian junkie.

How's that for a prison cliche? I mean, the cast of characters goes on and on.

There is the Russian woman who runs the kitchen, totally terrifying, but she takes so much pride in feeding everyone.

You really have to admire the way these women find meaning in their days.

How they take care of each other.

KIND: I'd like to talk about the idea of female prison tropes, if we could.

It certainly seems that sexual abuse and rape are very real threats.

And then, of course, there's the consensual sex.

Did you and Piper make any agreements before she left? Agreements? Well, pardon the pun, were any "get out of jail free" cards handed out? LARRY: No.

I'm very committed to the relationship.

How about for her? No.

No, we never discussed any agreements.

Which was probably naive of us.

You know, it's funny, whenever we talked about cheating in an abstract way, I always said I wouldn't care if she had sex with someone else, if it's just sex.

But suppose, theoretically, that someone she loved was in there with her.

Someone she had history with.

Someone who could understand her life in there in a way that I'll never be able to.

It would be devastating to think that that person could give her something that I can't.

It would be way worse than just sex.

It would be It would be a betrayal.

He knows.

It's not phone hours yet, Chapman.

This is an emergency.

Go eat lunch.

You can deal with your emergency in a few minutes, just like everyone else.

Nice radio play.

Oh, my God.

He used a condom.

Do you have it? No.

He took it with him.

We went over this.

I know, but I couldn't do anything about it.

I Well, you're just gonna have to do it again.

Better hope you were good enough for him to want more.

Oh, fuck! I am so, so, so sorry.

I had no idea that he was gonna say those things.

Is that what you think of me? An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.

To accept the call, please press one.

(BEEPS) LARRY: So what did you think? How did you know? Know what, Piper? PIPER: I know that you know.

I want to hear you say it.

Tell me you had sex with her.

Please don't do this.

Are you still having sex with her? Yes.

Your counselor called me.

Freely, Healy, told me he was concerned about your behavior.

He told me that you had to spend some time in the SHU for lesbian activity.

So was this your revenge? Trying to get me killed? Wait, wait, so, so, you're the victim in all of this? They're just people, Larry.

They're just women who are trying to do their best.

And you made them sound like they were Criminals? Jesus! Who are you? Who I can't believe You're the one asking me that right now? I can't believe that No, actually, actually, actually, of course, I can.

I totally can, because, because God forbid I would get to dictate the conversation, ever! There hasn't been any conversation to dictate, Larry.

You haven't picked up the phone in over a week! Do you have any idea what it has been like in here for me? Do you have any idea how lonely I've been? Lonely? Lonely, really? You've been lonely, huh? That's Okay, that's interesting, because, you know, I just assumed you were okay, because you have Alex now.

Do you love her? No, that's It's difficult.

Do you love her? Yes.

She named you, you know? She's the whole fucking reason you're in there.

How does it feel to be in love with the woman who ruined our lives? You lied to me? Guess that makes us perfect for each other.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

I think I need some time.

What does that mean? I don't know.

I just I need I need some time, okay? I need some time away from you.

You have to let me fix this.

(TEARFULLY) I don't know if you can.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)