So I say to this guy "Save your schooner for someone else, yes?" I come here to buy a boat, not become some goddamn pirate.

You should go talk to them.

Please don't drop that.

Get out there.

Shake hands.

Are you listening to me? It's important that we make this connection.

These are very important people.

Go meet his wife.

I've been cooking all day.

I smell like onions.

Ladies and gentlemen! I have someone to make you acquaintance.

That's disgusting.

And unsanitary.

Keeps 'em warm all day long.

Thanks for this back board.

Pleasure doin' business with you.

Breakfast time.

So we need request forms for next spring's non-perishables.

Bring 'em tonight.

Tori's getting out in six weeks, so we gotta train someone new on the feed slicer.

Look into little Sara.

Make sure she never stabbed people.

And Betty's been acting up again.

The bitch is gonna fuck us.

A little patience.

She's been here a lot of years.

I'll deal with her.

The blondie? Yes.

She's going nuts.

That one's a light touch.

Well, you did serve her a bloody tampon.

Yeah.

Heh.

I'm proud of that one.

I have to go to another prison.

A different one.

You have to move me.

Like this is the Radisson and you don't like your room? Why? Why isn't this the Radisson? Why do you need to be moved? Did someone try to engage with you sexually? Tell me what happened out there.

It's fine.

I just freaked out.

I'll be fine.

I'm sure you will.

You're gonna be late for orientation.

Attention, ladies.

Remember the rules.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Sit down.

That one's broke.

Hi.

Welcome to the Federal Department of Corrections, where we strive to maintain facilities that are secure, humane, and cost effective.

Night school classes are offered three nights a week.

There are a variety of recreational activities available and clinical visits are offered at the inmates' request.

But enough about policy.

Let's get to the important stuff.

This is a piece of copper pipe.

And it was taken from the laundry room.

It's hard.

This was used to break two ribs.

Could also be used to crack your skull, break your knee, muss up your makeup.

Amongst other things.

Suicidal thoughts will come.

Frequently.

Some days, it'll feel like there are no other thoughts.

"Do it," they'll say.

"End it.

" "Come on.

" You'll be assigned bunks soon.

Uniform issue is next week.

State your correct size on the form.

No baggy hip-hop pants.

Yes, I'm lookin' at you.

Plastic toothbrush with a razor-blade melted right into it.

Yeah, probably shouldn't have showed you that one.

The women who made and used these items are now in the SHU or down at the max facility with added sentences.

Their lives are basically over.

Hello, ladies.

I am Natalie Figueroa.

I am the Executive Assistant to the warden.

I try and visit often.

If you have any concerns, specifically regarding your needs as women, please come to me.

I will handle them personally.

Yeah, she will.

I had a question, actually.

Today I'm only here as a formality.

Next.

Next.

Next.

No.

Wait.

Next.

Seriously? Next.

Come on.

Dorm D, Dorm D, laundry is ready for drop-off.

Uh-uh.

They're not letting me eat.

That sounds like a whole lot of your problem.

We don't leave lunch till lunch is over.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Come sit with us.

Not with Crazy Eyes.

Rough morning? Something like that.

We should've warned you about Red.

Well, I just didn't expect to be punished while I was getting punished.

You gotta fix that.

Make it right.

How? I find it best to confront things head-on.

Know what? I'm just gonna apologize.

I'm just gonna very sincerely apologize.

People make mistakes.

People say stupid things all the time.

Uh-huh.

She's gotta understand that, right? Check this shit out.

Who are you? Her daughter.

Who are you? Her daughter.

What's the matter, you don't wanna hit me again? From here on out, this place will hit you for me.

This orange thing, it's like, I glow in the dark.

The guard with the mustache keeps staring at me.

Since when do you hate that? You got any extra khakis? No.

Well, not in your size.

And don't be in such a rush to get out of that orange, sabes? Once you're in these, you're old news.

White girl said somethin' nasty about Red's food, then Red sent her a message 'cause white girl better recognize.

A message? Egg McTampon.

Rare.

So now nobody's givin' her nothin' to eat.

Not until Red say so.

That's Thanks.

This ain't gonna get Red in trouble, right? 'Cause I ain't no snitch.

No.

Of course not.

I mean, probably not.

I haven't decided yet.

Hold up.

Where my candy? Get me another towel.

Is this a bad time? Moment.

About what I said yesterday? It was careless and it was rude.

And I am really sorry.

I appreciate everything that you do here, I can't imagine how much work it takes, and since we're clearly gonna be spending some time together Don't forget the toes, Norma.

I can tell you take pride in what you do, and I so respect that.

If someone insulted my work What is it, your work? Oh.

Um, I make artisanal bath products.

We got into Barneys.

Artisanal? I'm just saying we're not that different, you and I.

That's all.

And I understand how stupid I've been.

I really apologize.

I'm sorry.

You seem sweet.

You really do, honey.

But I can't do shit with "I'm sorry.

" Not in here.

Might not look like it, but there's rules in this place.

The most important of which is, the second you're perceived as weak, you already are.

What do you want me to do? You're a smart girl.

Figure something out.

That girl got some nice legs.

What the fuck is this? Oh, it's my treat I'm savin'.

Just leave it.

Leave it? Fuck leave it.

You can't put your sticky ice cream shit in here.

It ain't just an ice cream.

It's a King Cone.

Man! Get off me, girl! Get this bitch off of me! B fucking took my hair out! B Dorm, Itza Martinez Please tell me y'all ain't fighting over ice cream.

King Cone.

You okay, Chapman? Yeah.

You know, I'd give you a pretzel but the walls have eyes, and I'm not retarded.

When I first got here, I had troubles like you.

There was a disagreement.

Then we brawled.

That's how you settled things.

And if I'd have won, I'd have been la jefa.

Instead of this.

Thank God I got cancer.

No one fucks with cancer.

Good talk.

Fuck! So it's nothing but lemonade? It's a cleanse.

No vegetable juice? Fiber? We are going to deny ourselves sustenance while there are people that starve in Kinshasa? It's racist to just say "Africa.

" You put cayenne pepper in this? Yes! Yes.

It flushes out toxins.

We don't smoke, we don't snort crack.

Honey, don't you think the little rocks would hurt your nose if you tried to snort crack? I think you mean coke.

You know what I mean.

You know, you don't let me buy food unless it's locally-grown, grass-fed, conflict-free I'm perfectly fine doing this on my own.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Honey, that's not what I'm saying.

You're making fun of it.

No.

I'm just When you said cleanse, I thought you meant we'd be eating more kale.

We can eat more kale when we're transitioning back to food.

Okay.

What about dinners out? Weekend brunches? I mean, isn't this gonna turn us into anti-social losers? Well, it doesn't have to.

I'm not gonna be the guy that shows up with his lemonade cuppie.

Okay.

Okay.

For me, this is it for the next seven days.

If you wanna back out, I'm not gonna love you any less.

We did say that we were gonna do it together.

But if you don't wanna be "that guy," I'm perfectly happy doing it on my own.

Well, where's the fun in that? See? Oh, God.

Number four, on the left.

Next! Turn around.

Hold it right there.

Next! Oh, look, it's the fiance.

Put your bag down, please.

I should be on the list.

And I should be on American Idol, but I can't sing for shit.

No Larry Bloom here.

What? Oh, this is from last week.

Where's this week's? In another office.

Have a seat.

When in the visitation room, you're allowed two hugs, one on arrival, and one on departure.

Okay, try not to crowd around, ladies.

Come on, now.

Thank you.

Itza Martinez again Thank you.

Can I have some gum? Sorry.

Can't do that.

Inmates aren't allowed.

I get it.

You can't give special treatment.

It'd look funny.

Like I liked you.

Don't you? Oh, my God, honey! Oh, baby.

Hey! Hi.

Honey.

Oh! Hi.

That's enough.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

No.

It's fine.

I swear I was here, but I think they were, like, deliberately fucking with me.

No, whatever, it's fine.

You're here.

Oh! You look great! I mean, who knew you could rock orange? Please.

Come on! Seriously, and your face is like all cheekboney.

Well, I haven't eaten since Wednesday.

What? She's starving me out.

Who? Oh, my God.

Do you have any change? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

What do you want? Literally anything.

Go.

No.

I don't think they work, honey.

No.

No! No.

Inmate, step away from the machine.

He just called you "inmate.

" You too, sir.

Sorry.

This is her.

She did this.

Who? Who are you talking about? The woman who runs the kitchen.

What? Why are we whispering? She's starving me out.

I insulted the food.

Oh, Piper.

Your foot in mouth disease? I'm an idiot.

She's issued a fucking fatwa against me.

I think I'm gonna have to fight her.

What? How am I supposed to prison-fight an old Russian lady with back problems? Hey, Piper, come on.

You're not.

That's ridiculous.

You don't have to fight anybody.

Okay? Hey, hey, hey, stop.

Stop.

No touching.

Jesus.

It's gonna be okay.

Mmm.

All right? Uh-uh.

Your commissary money's coming, right? I sent the check the minute I left here.

Express mail.

Even if you have to live off Snickers bars, it's gonna be okay.

I hate that you're seeing me like this.

At least I get to see you.

Tell me that you're not watching Mad Men.

What? Promise me you're not watching Mad Men without me, that when I get out of here, we're gonna binge watch it, together, in bed, with take-out from Gertie's? Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Of course.

100%.

Visiting hours have come to a close.

Jesus.

Really? That was like two minutes.

Visitors, please make your way to the exit.

We can hug again.

What? Once coming in, once going out.

Come here.

Oh! I love you, babe.

Sorry.

Red? Red? What is it? Betty's dead.

She was a good girl.

No one heard her go.

Get over it.

It's a freezer.

See, what happened here was a breach in the main coolant line.

Big, nasty breach.

Ugly breach.

Bad, bad breach.

What's that smell? That's the Freon.

Some people use it for huffing.

Makes for a super intense, but short-lived high.

Similar to crack, uh, but without the migraines.

Put those in ice water.

Don't stack those, Gina.

Nice pussy.

Don't ask.

I don't intend to.

Thanksgiving's coming twice this year, ladies.

Spread the word.

Okay, I understand what you have to do.

What? I'm not a fighter.

Go ahead.

I'm a little busy here.

Pick up those rags.

I'm not going to swing first.

Good.

Just hit me and get it over with.

I said I'm a little busy.

I'm not leaving until you do it.

Wow.

You want me to hit you? Yeah.

Okay, get ready.

You called my food disgusting.

You're not getting hazed, you're not getting harassed, you're getting starved.

To death.

You'll leave Litchfield as a skeleton in a body bag.

Pow! Now, march your yuppie ass outta my kitchen.

Slowly, so you don't burn too many calories.

So the third time, same thing happens.

And the farmer looks at his wife, then back at the penguin, and finally the penguin goes, "He's not an eggplant, man.

He's retarded.

" You get it? 'Cause he We get it.

My brother was retarded.

Oh, so sorry to hear that.

You know, my husband's a little slow.

Says he was dropped on his head when he was born.

Just my luck.

They couldn't have dropped him on his dick? I think I slept wrong last night.

Should we call it a short walk today, ladies? Yes.

Oh, you barely broke a sweat.

Oh, my son has dentist appointment.

Oh, okay.

We're close to your house, no? Yeah.

Right over there.

Same time tomorrow? We'll let you know.

Oh, shit! Did no one think to turn this off? Where is his highness? You're out of bounds.

Healy? Sir, I told her not to Jesus Christ! I need a new freezer.

We can talk about this later, Red.

You have been saying that for three years.

We're dealing with a very serious budget situation here.

Should I subdue the inmate? The warden has been very clear about spending this quarter.

You want me to walk? I'll walk, happily.

Remember the last time I gave back the keys to the kitchen? I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Ugh, like a dying animal it smells in there.

A dying animal, or just a man who eats your food? Ugh with you, too.

That smells fantastic.

It's like fresh muffins.

Dried blueberries.

Twelve fuckin' pounds of 'em.

Funnest hobby ever.

You seen my headphones? Uh, left drawer.

So you can put anything in there? Just about.

Peppermint, basil, grapefruits, vanilla.

She won't do chocolate.

It never works.

Or popcorn.

We're making soap, not Jelly Bellys.

Sweet.

You know, for Amy, I think you'd want something more along the lines of sage, patchouli, maybe eucalyptus? Oh, she's allergic to eucalyptus, or she hates it.

I can't remember.

Really? Who hates eucalyptus? Larry's mother.

She thinks they're "dirty trees.

" You're still with that guy? Thought you wouldn't make it two months.

Pete! What? You said so, too.

They're moving in together.

Already? Shit.

You are still a lesbian.

I'm out, ladies.

Okay.

You could sell these, you know.

At farmers markets, little boutique stores.

I just kinda like making 'em.

I could be your partner.

What? This could be something.

I mean, this could be a thing, Pol.

Market it right and package it right, this is money.

I mean, it smells so fucking good in here.

I can make this money.

I make lotions, too.

Yo, y'all got headphones for movie night? Sold the last pair this morning.

That's some bullshit.

I ain't tryin' to watch no silent movie.

Sold out.

Next.

Spanish ladies are calling you La Llorona, the wailing lady.

Well, they would've screamed just as loud if someone handed them a used tampon sandwich.

Oh, yeah.

Or if they suddenly saw an ex-girlfriend in prison.

Hey, what's her name? Alex? What did she say to you? Not a word.

I just know dyke drama when I see it.

You gonna buy something or not? Yes.

Hi, um, I should have some credit here.

My fiance sent a check on Wednesday.

Take seven day to process.

You can use mine.

It's not like you're going anywhere.

For food? Fuck no.

Okay.

Yo, Chang.

So, some rubber gloves.

Okay, so maybe some cocoa butter? Uh, cocoa butter? Maybe like a sieve of some kind.

A strainer? Okay.

All right.

Yo, you got a strainer? This is a cup.

Knock yourself out.

You know how often I come by new weave? You probably gonna look like this till Christmas.

Uh-uh.

I paid you seven bottles of Pantene for this shit.

Ain't my fault you went all UFC over a King Cone.

And if you call it "shit" one more time, you can take your ass down to Danita.

How much to fix it? Mmm-hmm.

Excuse me? Hi.

I'm Chapman.

Yeah, that's me.

Um I heard you might have something that I need.

J.

Crew is around the corner.

Yeah.

Um Cocoa butter, or shea butter? Do you have either of those? Maybe.

I would just need an ounce or two.

Ain't you the one they're starving out? Yeah.

You got some fucked-up priorities.

We work on a barter system here.

You know what that means, right? Yes.

Three shower caps or a round brush.

Whichever they got at commissary.

Gladly.

I will get them to you the second that my money comes in.

Credit declined.

Please.

"Please" is for commissary hoes and Oliver Twist.

Hold up.

Some of us tryin' to work here.

I got an idea.

But you ain't gonna like it.

Got that new 'do, Boo.

Chapman's going around asking for weird stuff, Red.

What stuff? She's trying to get her hands on hot peppers.

You think she's gonna mace you? I don't think so.

But if she does, worst case, I'll get off my feet for a week.

No, but it wouldn't hurt your feet.

It's an expression.

Mace burns your eyes.

Jesus, God.

Oh.

You okay, Chapman? Tonight's movie will be the airplane edit of Good Luck Chuck, which Roger Ebert gives one star.

8:00 p.

m.

Are you the new girl? Yes, I am.

Piper.

And you are? Uh, Sue.

It's short for Susie, which is short for Suzanne.

You like spicy food? Sometimes.

One of my girlfriends, she was Mexican, real-talk.

Uh She gone now, but she left these.

I have nothing to trade you for those.

People forget we was all new here once.

It's good to know you ain't alone.

This feels awesome! My senses feel heightened, I'm like a fucking werewolf.

Larry? My skin is clear, I'm lighter on my feet, and in the bathroom this morning Oh, please.

Epic.

Even better than yesterday.

Lord of the Rings.

What if we only did this for five days? You wanna cut it short? Not cut it short.

Just Yes.

This was your idea.

Can we not make it a thing? This doesn't have to be a thing.

It's not a competition.

I mean, you can't win the Master Cleanse.

Can't I? Here, drink up, love.

All right? You'll feel better.

What is that? You are not a werewolf.

Oh.

What are you doing? You fucker.

Seriously? It was all that we had.

Mr.

Fox's Honey Barbecue Pork Rinds? They're baked.

Piper, we were in this together.

I know, I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

You smell so good.

Oh, my God.

Come here.

I totally win.

Two, nine and seventeen, dinner is now available.

Aw.

Don't be so sad.

Poor little baby.

Dinner's in five.

I hear it's a big one.

Yum, yum.

Thank you, dead bitch.

Don't forget, ladies, your usual meal is 1,500 calories.

Ain't nobody got this.

It's that hotness.

Beware of overeating.

That new shit.

My hair is yellow as that corn right there, girl.

No, no, no.

Look, I love these things.

I want extra.

Yeah, can I get some more corn? No.

Navi.

Amy.

Forgot I even had this.

Oh, no thanks, love, I'm too old for hooch.

Don't insult me.

Single malt.

12 year.

Jesus Christ! And that was in '04.

It's only gotten better.

So have we.

Tell my ass.

Oh, no.

It's the one without culture.

Red.

And the penguin goes, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded.

" It's fucking funny.

It's just not.

That awful dye job on your head make me giggle though.

You Aah! You popped her tit! Oh, shit.

What the fuck were you thinking? After all Ganya's done for us.

He loved those tits.

He'll get them back.

There's plenty more of them at the tit store.

Did you count to 10? You're supposed to count to 10.

I never even wanted to speak to those pizdy! You made me.

Why did you do such a thing? Because they left me out! Because they made fun of me! Because no matter how hard you try and how much we want it, there's the people who serve the bread, and the people who eat the bread! And for once, it would be nice if you would be on my side.

I'm on your side, Galya.

I'm with you.

And together we gotta figure this out, cause this is bad.

Real bad.

How bad? They want $60,000.

No boob job costs $60,000.

It's crazy.

This one does.

I was I was just They're so mean.

So are the men they married.

They meaner.

I'm sorry, Dima.

We'll figure out something.

We always do.

It's okay.

Red? She's busy.

This'll only take a second.

For your back.

It's jalapeno rub.

I made it myself.

The capsaicin in the peppers creates heat which is good for sore muscles, and the cocoa butter is gentle on the skin.

We have a similar product in our line and my dad swears by it.

He's got sciatica.

These are wrong.

They should say "March.

" You can go now.

Count time starts now.

Count time! Line it up.

Stop the chatter.

Count time! Dorm A, one through 20.

Get that garbage out of there.

All good.

Thank you, ladies.

All good.

Wilson into left field.

Beautiful hit.

eludes one tackler.

And he's brought down hard.

"One imagines somewhere in an attic "there's a painting of him that's rapidly aging.

" For a guy from Ad Age, he can really write.

He also says you're married.

Jesus.

He never asked me that.

Did he check any facts? You didn't give him any facts.

He had to make some assumptions.

My job is to write ads, not go around talking about who I am.

Who knows who you are? This was supposed to be an advertisement for the firm.

Why do you have so many copies? I bought one to read.

And I was going to buy one to frame in reception.

That new freezer cost more than my car.

Freon leak, huh? Most likely.

You know, huffers, addicts.

Anything to get high.

Anyone in here huff that much Freon, we'd have a body to show for it.

Even you gotta know when you're gettin' played.

Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish and Muslim services will begin tomorrow in the chapel at 9:00 a.

m.

They said to give you this.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it worked? It must've worked.

Your back cream? Yeah.

She said it burned, it made her smell like a Puerto Rican, but you're good now.

Everyone saw how hard you worked.

"A" for Effort.

Mmm.

It's not that good.

Mmm-hmm.

Next.

Thank you.

Next.

What? Next.

Hello? Put that in.

What's in those? You don't want to know.

It's fine.

This will make things right for us.

This doesn't feel right.

We're fine.

We'll work it out.

I promise.

Sorry.

Have you considered the possibility the reason you haven't been laid in the last decade has something to do with your routine use of the word "Trim"? Yeah, seven days a week, That's my bad.

Where's your manners, shithead?