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  5x20 - The Girl in Question
 Posted: 05/08/04 11:31
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WILLIAM

He doesn't know who he's dealing with.

ANGELUS

Well, he's about to find out.

(struggles against his restraints)

Aagh!

WILLIAM

He's gonna curse the day he ever crossed purpose with Angelus.

ANGELUS

And William the Bloody.

WILLIAM

(both grunting as they struggle to get free)

We'll see just how immortal he is when we're done with him.

ANGELUS

We'll carve him up like a Sunday roast and make him watch as we feast on his steaming flesh.

(they both struggle to get free of their shackles, but make no headway)

Yaaaagh! Aah! Unh!

(gasps for breath)

How you doin'?

WILLIAM

Bugger.

ANGELUS

Arrr!

(escorted by two body guards, a man walks into the room wearing a fine suit; he takes off his hat and gloves)

Your master send you to do his dirty work? Ferry us to hell, then. We'll save a spot for him—next to the fire, the mangy, dung-lickin'—

(slaps Angelus gently in the face with his gloves)

Bit over the top there, are ya?

MAN

(unshackling Angelus first, then William)

His benevolence The Immortal wishes to convey his regrets at having detained you, but your recent actions against his concerns merited stiff reprimand.

WILLIAM

His concerns?

ANGELUS

This is our city. We were here first.

MAN

No, actually, he was. 300 years ago. And now he's back. You will leave this city tonight and never return under a penalty of death so swift that—

Angelus reaches up, grabs the man's head, and twists it, breaking his neck. The man falls to the ground, and the bodyguards aim their crossbows at the vampires.

ANGELUS

Go ahead. Take your best shot. I'll snatch your little wee sticks out of the air and spend the next fortnight shoving 'em slowly up your arse.

The bodyguards lower their weapons and run away.

WILLIAM

(both laugh)

Can you really do that?

ANGELUS

The arrow thing? I don't know. Never tried.

(picks up his clothes)

Aw! Look what he did to me shirt!

(getting dressed)

WILLIAM

"His benevolence The Immortal."

ANGELUS

In for a shock, he is. There's gonna be a reckoning after a good meal and a long rest in the arms of...

Cut to:

5c INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Angelus is looking down at Darla, who's sprawled out naked, face-down on a bed, her hair all disheveled.

ANGELUS

Darla!

WILLIAM

What have they done to her?

Cut to:

6 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY

Illyria stands by the bamboo plants, touching them wistfully.

ILLYRIA

I can no longer hear the song of the green.

Pan over to show that Wesley and Lorne are standing nearby, watching her.

LORNE

You think that includes me?

WESLEY

Her powers have been greatly reduced. She still has an unusual level of strength, but is no longer invulnerable or able to alter time.

ILLYRIA

You revel in my defeat.

WESLEY

Is that how you view it—you've been defeated?

ILLYRIA

My world gone. My power stripped. How would you define it?

LORNE

Uh, I don't know, how about... lucky we didn't kill you when you went nuclear?

ILLYRIA

This fate is worse than death. Condemned to live out existence in a vessel incapable of sustaining my true glory. How am I to function with such limitation?

LORNE

(chuckles)

Well, ever tried a Sea Breeze?

ILLYRIA

You attempt amusement at the expense of your better.

WESLEY

Illyria. Perhaps you should return to the lab.

ILLYRIA

I do not bend to your wishes.

WESLEY

I'm not asking you to. Merely suggesting that more tests might lead to knowledge of how to help you function.

ILLYRIA

(glares at Wes, then turns toward the stairs)

I go because it suits me.

(walks upstairs)

LORNE

Whew. Ah, so too bad that whirly-jig thing didn't suck the sass out of her.

WESLEY

She's overcompensating. Posturing.

LORNE

So she really wasn't gonna snap my stalk?

WESLEY

Her powers are weakened, but... she's still unpredictable. Perhaps more so until she learns to adjust.

(elevator bell dings behind them)

We have to be careful not to agitate her.

When the elevator doors open, Fred's parents walk off the elevator.

LORNE

(seeing them over Wes's shoulder)

Burkles!

ROGER BURKLE

See? I told you they would remember us.

TRISH BURKLE

Guess we do make an impression.

WESLEY

(gruffly)

Why are you here?

(catches himself, and softens up)

I mean, what—

ROGER BURKLE

Hawaii.

TRISH BURKLE

Been savin' up for years.

ROGER BURKLE

Thought we'd take a layover and surprise Fred. Uh, know where we can find her?

WESLEY

(beat)

Step into my office.

While Wesley leads Fred's parents into his office, Illyria watches from the balcony upstairs.

Cut to:

7 INT. APARTMENT IN ITALY - NIGHT

Angel and Spike knock on an apartment door.

ANGEL

Let me handle this.

SPIKE

Bet you'd like to.

When the door opens, Andrew is the one who answered it. Andrew is wearing a robe over a t-shirt. His hair is disheveled.

ANDREW

(clutches his hands to his heart)

Spike! O mio dio!

(hugs Spike tightly)

E come un sogno incantevole.

(releases Spike, steps back)

What are you doing here?

ANGEL

About to ask you the same question, Andrew.

ANDREW

Buffy and Dawn are letting me crash. My casa was incinerated when that thing happened.

SPIKE

What thing?

ANDREW

Cultural misunderstanding.

(chuckles nervously)

Let us speak of more pleasant times. Entrate pure. I part my threshold.

(Angel and Spike just stare)

I mean, my apartment. Obviously.

(Angel and Spike enter the apartment at the same time, getting stuck in the doorway; Angel wriggles free and enters first)

So, um, I had plans later this evening, but I can change them if you guys wanna hang.

(tries to straighten up the apartment a bit)

Uh, I could show you Rome at night, a city of contrasts. Anywhere you want to go, anything you want to see.

ANGEL & SPIKE

(simultaneously)

Buffy.

ANDREW

Right, because you two both—

(nods, crosses his arms)

Yeah. She's not here.

ANGEL

Where'd she go?

ANGEL

To meet The Immortal.

SPIKE

By herself?

ANDREW

I told you I had plans.

ANGEL

When did she leave?

ANDREW

Just missed her.

SPIKE

Then we're not too late.

ANGEL

Of course, it could be worse.

ANDREW

You're telling me.

(plops himself onto the couch)

Most nights they never leave the house, just curl up on the couch and snuggle.

ANGEL

(frowns, hurt)

There's snuggling?

ANDREW

For starters.

(sits up)

Wait. Uh, you didn't know they were...together?

SPIKE

(looks at Angel)

It's worse.

Fade to black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT II:

8 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Angelus and William have just discovered a limp and disheveled Darla lying naked, face-down in bed.

ANGELUS

(rushes to her side)

Darla. Darla!

(rolls her over to look in her face)

Darla! What have they done? My sweet death.

DARLA

(weakly)

Angelus. You're back.

ANGELUS

I'd claw my way back from the depths of hell to lay by your side.

(pulls her into his arms for a kiss, but recoils, drops her, stands and wipes his mouth)

He's tasted you.

WILLIAM

Who?

ANGELUS

Who do ya think?

WILLIAM

Well, that cheeky bastard. Had us tossed and then violates your woman.

ANGELUS

(to Darla) Did he hurt ya?

DARLA

(writhes, smiles naughtily)

Not until I asked him to.

(stands, wrapped in a sheet)

Oh, come on. Have you seen him? With the eyes and the chest and the...

(sighs blissfully)

immortality.

WILLIAM

We're immortal.

DARLA

(in the corner dressing, putting on a robe)

Not like him. I mean, he's not some common vampire. He's—I don't know what he is. A giant. A titan straddling good and evil, serving no master but his own considerable desires.

ANGELUS

Darla—

DARLA

And spiritual. Did you know he spent 150 years in a Tibetan monastery? Which I guess explains all the desire.

ANGELUS

He's my arch-nemesis.

DARLA

Darling. It was just fornication.

(chuckles)

Really great fornication.

WILLIAM

(steps in for a closer look at Darla)

She's glowing, mate.

ANGELUS

(brushing him off)

She isn't.

DARLA

(nods)

Little bit.

WILLIAM

(to Angelus) Best fit you for a pair of antlers. Been made the right cuckold, you have.

DRUSILLA

(steps out from the next room wearing a lacy negligee)

Time for another pony ride?

WILLIAM

(sees Drusilla, gasps)

Son of a bitch!

ANGELUS

(points from Darla to Drusilla)

The both of ya?

DARLA

(shrugs, giggles)

He's insatiable.

WILLIAM

Drusilla, you—you let him touch you?

DRUSILLA

(closes her eyes and holds up her arms, remembering)

He felt like sunshine.

WILLIAM

(shaking his head)

Uh, no. No.

ANGELUS

That's why he had us tossed. So he could violate—

DARLA

He didn't—

ANGELUS

Violate our women!

WILLIAM

(points angrily)

Violate in succession!

DARLA

Concurrently.

ANGELUS

Concurrently?

(frowns)

You never let us do that.

DARLA

(touches Drusilla's hand, talks into her ear)

Come on, Dru. Let's have a bath so the boys can weep in private.

DRUSILLA

Will you hold me under the water?

DARLA

If you wish.

The women walk into the next room giggling.

ANGELUS

Rrrrarrgh!

(throws a vase against the wall, shattering it)

This is a slight that will not go unmet.

WILLIAM

Death's too quick.

ANGELUS

Not all deaths are quick.

WILLIAM

What do you have in mind?

ANGELUS

I think it's time The Immortal found out exactly who he's dealing with. I think it's time for blood vengeance.

Cut to:

9 EXT. PARTY - NIGHT

Angelus and William, dressed in their dirty, ripped clothes, speak to the bouncer at the door to an elegant party. The bouncer is searching his list.

ANGELUS

Blood vengeance. I'm sure we're on the list. Is there anything under blood vengeance?

BOUNCER

No. No blood vengeance. Sorry.

WILLIAM

Maybe it's under Angelus.

BOUNCER

You're not on The Immortal's list.

ANGELUS

(to William) Ah, you know what? To hell with the list.

(with Spike, he charges toward the bouncer, but a magical force field bounces them back)

Augh!

BOUNCER

(referring to his list)

You're not in here. You're not going in there. Piss off!

Angelus and William walk away slowly, looking back over their shoulder at the party they can't enter.

ANGELUS

He mocks us at every turn.

WILLIAM

Yeah, the man has no sense of indecency. You remember Frankfurt? He hatches the Rathruhn egg personally and just decides to give those nuns safe passage.

ANGELUS

Those were my nuns!

WILLIAM

Yeah. Nuns are your thing. Everybody knows that. They respect it. They respect us.

ANGELUS

We are the reason men fear the night. This isn't over yet, Immortal! This'll never be over!

Cut to:

10 INT. DEMON PARLOR - NIGHT

Angel and Spike wait in the parlor of a fancy house.

SPIKE

It's over. Just like that. Not that I thought I had a chance anyway.

ANGEL

At least I have a girlfriend.

SPIKE

(shrugs)

Still.

ANGEL

(defeated)

Yeah.

A creepy demon guy watches them as they wait in the parlor. The demon has long, pointed ears sticking out of his cheeks. His skin is gray and uneven. His nose is long. He's wearing his hair in a tacky, greasy comb-over. Otherwise, he's dressed like a normal person, wearing a tuxedo.

SPIKE

(incensed)

The Immortal?!

ANGEL

I mean, come on!

SPIKE

She's smarter than that.

ANGEL

She'd never fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil.

SPIKE

(points)

She's under some kind of spell.

ANGEL

I was just thinking that.

SPIKE

We're gonna pick up the Capo's body...

ANGEL

Find The Immortal, and break his whammy.

A female demon of the same kind as the one wearing the tux and watching them walks into the room carrying a bowling ball bag.

DEMON MAID

(puts the bag on the table nearest to Angel and Spike)

Grazie, Signor Angelo. We are in your debt for attending to a delicate matter. Grazie, grazie.

ANGEL

(nervously, points to the bag)

Um, this is the, uh, Capo di Famiglia of the Goran demon clan?

DEMON MAID

Si, si. The Capo di Famiglia.

SPIKE

Must've been a wee fella.

ANGEL

(unzips the bag, looks inside)

This is just his head.

DEMON MAID

Si, si. The Capo di Famiglia.

SPIKE

What happened to the rest of him?

DEMON MAID

When a Goran demon becomes heavy with the age, his head-a sag and drop off like a ripe-a fig. Heh.

ANGEL

So his new body just hatches out of it?

DEMON MAID

If the rituals are performed by the family in time. You must-a get the head of the Capo to Los Angeles subito. Eh? Si?

ANGEL

Si. Subito.

Angel grabs up the bag in a hurry, and he and Spike rush out.

Cut to:

11 INT. APARTMENT IN ITALY - NIGHT

There's a knock on the apartment door. Andrew answers it holding the cordless phone to his shoulder and wearing a pore-cleansing strip on his nose.

ANGEL

Is Buffy home yet?

ANDREW

You guys, it's only 8:30.

ANGEL

Right.

SPIKE

Yeah.

ANGEL

Do you know where they went?

Cut to:

12 INT. WESLEY'S OFFICE - DAY

Roger and Trish Burkle walk into Wesley's office and look around, admiring it.

ROGER BURKLE

Gotta say this is a step up from where you boys used to hang your hat.

TRISH BURKLE

Ooh, a couple of steps.

WESLEY

(closes the office door)

Yes, we—

ROGER BURKLE

Uh, you know, we didn't wanna say anything, but we were a little worried about that old hotel.

TRISH BURKLE

Seemed a little run-down.

ROGER BURKLE

But Fred called it home, so we just kept our mouths shut.

TRISH BURKLE

Girl reaches a certain age, she's earned the right to make her own decisions.

ROGER BURKLE

Which with Fred was around 7, wasn't it?

(Mrs. Burkle laughs)

WESLEY

Mr. and Mrs. Burkle—

TRISH BURKLE

Please.

ROGER BURKLE

Roger and Trish.

TRISH BURKLE

The way she goes on about y'all, well, it feels like we're practically family.

ROGER BURKLE

So where is that prodigal daughter—out saving the world with that nice Angel fella?

WESLEEY

Roger, Trish. There's something you need to know.

(takes a deep breath)

Fred—

FRED

Mom?

Fred is standing in the doorway to Wesley's office, looking very human and normal.

ROGER BURKLE

Well! There she is now.

FRED

Dad! Oh, my God. What are y'all doing here?

(runs to hug her parents)

ROGER BURKLE

Sweetie.

TRISH BURKLE

Sight for sore eyes.

ROGER BURKLE

Oh, you look great!

Wesley stares incredulously.

Cut to:

13 INT. DANCE CLUB IN ITALY - NIGHT

In a night club, dance music plays loudly as Spike and Angel make their way through the crowd toward the bar.

ANGEL

Dancing. Why'd it have to be dancing?

SPIKE

(to the sexy female bartender)

You speak English, luv?

BARTENDER

Si, si. I love the English.

SPIKE

We'll get along fine, then.

ANGEL

We're looking for a girl. American. Blond hair. Blue eyes.

BARTENDER

Many blond American coeducationals. Spring break? The girls, they go wild.

ANGEL

No, no. We-we're looking for a friend of ours.

SPIKE

She's in trouble. This ponce called The Immortal is—

BARTENDER

Ah, si. Si. The Immortal's new ragazza. They come, while ago.

(gestures to the crowd)

There.

(Angel and Spike turn to look; a blonde is dancing in the middle of the crowd)

Your friend maybe go a little wild, too, si?

SPIKE

Right. Hold down the fort. I'll be right back.

(walks away toward the dancing crowd)

ANGEL

Huh?

(follows Spike)

Oh, yeah, here it comes. The part where you run off alone and play the big hero so Buffy'll take you back. Well, newsflash, blondie bear: Never gonna happen.

SPIKE

Look! I know I don't have a shot with her, all right? Probably never did, but I still care about her, and I'm not gonna let her end up with a jerk like The Immortal. Or you.

ANGEL

Hey, ours is a forever love.

SPIKE

(scoffs)

I had a relationship with her, too.

ANGEL

OK, sleeping together is not a relationship.

SPIKE

It is if you do it enough times.

ANGEL

Spike.

SPIKE

What?

ANGEL

The head.

SPIKE

I thought you had it.

(they look back at the bar to see the butler from the house where they picked up the head carrying the bag away)

Hey!

(chases the butler; puts his hand on the butler's shoulder)

Where you think you're going with our head, Jeeves?

VOICE FROM BEHIND

Anywhere he wants.

Angel and Spike turn to see several large, bulky muscle-men standing behind them.

ANGEL

Don't suppose we can talk about this over a nice amaretto?

One of the men punches Angel.

Fade to black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT III:

14 INT. DANCE CLUB IN ITALY - NIGHT

Resume. Muscle-men just started a fight with Angel and Spike while the butler steals their head. The fight is shown in slow motion while the song "Take Me in Your Arms" sung by Dean Martin plays over the scene.

SONG

(performed by Dean Martin)

Once upon a lovely time,

Many million dreams ago,

Once there was a man in love, dear,

Many million dreams ago.

Once he thought he had a sweetheart,

Then he broke the golden rule:

Never take your love for granted.

Wise men often play the fool.

Now he'd like to say, "I'm sorry."

Can't you see within his heart

Without you, there's no tomorrow.

Why should true love have to part? A man punches Angel, and he staggers back. Spike jumps the man, knocking him down. Angel engages another man, punching him, while Spike kicks the man he tackled before. They continue to fight, exchanging punches. Angel grabs the man he's fighting and throws him headfirst into the wall. Spike punches his man in the face, shattering a display at the bar. Angel walks toward Spike, but Spike punches him in the face. When Spike stands and looks at whom he punched, he realizes it's Angel. Angel looks at Spike, wondering why he would hit him. Angel rubs his jaw, then gets an angry look on his face before returning Spike's punch. Spike looks angrily at Angel, and they both rear back to swing, punching each other in the face.

The scene plays at regular speed now.

ANGEL

(getting up from the floor)

What the hell are you doing?

SPIKE

(yelling)

I was confused, ya git! It's very loud in here.

ANGEL

Where'd the little guy go?

Angel and Spike look around and see the butler walking out the door with their head. The butler sees them and gestures with his fingertips off of his chin before exiting the club. Spike and Angel rush after him.

Cut to:

15 EXT. DANCE CLUB IN ITALY - NIGHT

Spike and Angel walk out of the club and look around, but there's no sign of the butler.

SPIKE

Where'd he go?

A car screeches as it rushes past them, nearly running them down.

ANGEL

(scrambles back to his feet)

Hey!

(watches the car drive away)

That's our car. He's got our car.

Spike grabs a nearby motor scooter, starts it, and revs the engine.

SPIKE

(pulls the bike up to Angel)

Hop on, little mama.

ANGEL

I'm not ridin' on the back.

SPIKE

He's getting away.

Angel steps over the bike, sits behind Spike, and puts his arms around Spike's waist. They drive off after the car on the motor scooter.

Cut to:

16 EXT. STREETS OF ROME - NIGHT

The car speeds through the streets of the old city. Angel and Spike aren't too far behind.

ANGEL

Faster! Come on, punch it!

SPIKE

Stop holding on so tight.

The butler drives the car down an alley and the tires screech. A random person pulls out in front of him on a motor scooter, and the butler has to swerve to miss him. Angel and Spike almost catch up to him, when he turns a corner.

ANGEL

Shortcut. Turn right.

SPIKE

Let go of me.

ANGEL

Turn left, turn left. We'll cut him off.

SPIKE

All right, already!

Spike and Angel have headed the butler off and are now facing him head on. The butler pauses a moment, then drives the car into their motor scooter, knocking them off and destroying the scooter.

SPIKE

Son of a—

(angry muttering)

ANGEL

(kicks the debris)

One job, you know. Hang onto the head. That's it.

SPIKE

You were right there, too.

ANGEL

I wasn't in charge of the head.

SPIKE

Well, it's gone now, isn't it? You gonna stand here in the strada yelling at me all night?

ANGEL

Did you just say strada?

SPIKE

It means street.

ANGEL

Yeah. I know what it means.

SPIKE

We only have 12 hours to get that head back before Los Angeles becomes a demon war zone. Should we argue some more, or should we get on with it?

ANGEL

Ah, all right. You know, you're right. No more screwing around. We find that guy, we get the head back, and then we get the hell outta here. That's it.

Cut to:

17 INT. DANCE CLUB IN ITALY - NIGHT

Angel and Spike are back at the dance club talking to the bartender.

ANGEL

Have you seen the blond girl?

SPIKE

Buffy. Her name is Buffy.

ANGEL

She was just dancing with The Immortal.

SPIKE

Are they still here? Did they leave?

BARTENDER

Relax-a, relax. It's OK.

SPIKE

They're still here?

BARTENDER

No, no. They're gone. But you must relax. I pour you some wine.

ANGEL

Oh, he's got her, Spike. He's got Buffy. Why is this always happening to us?

SPIKE

It's him. The Immortal. This is what he does. Every time he shows up, I either lose my girl, get beaten by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion. Long story.

ANGEL

Well, you know what? It's different now. We're different.

SPIKE

Hey, damn right we are. We're not gonna be his Shemps anymore.

ANGEL

No way, man. I mean, we're just out of our element.

SPIKE

If this was L.A., We'd have him hog-tied by now.

ANGEL

If we had our resources, if we had our team, if we had our helicopters or—he'd be in a world of—

SPIKE

Hang on. Doesn't Wolfram & Hart have an office here in Rome?

Cut to:

18 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART'S ROME OFFICE - NIGHT

The elevator bell dings and Angel and Spike step off the elevator into a lobby that looks identical to the L.A. branch's lobby.

ANGEL

(looking around)

Huh.

The office is busy at night, full of people chatting away in Italian. A woman walks through the lobby toward them. She's wearing a low-cut, tight, slinky sundress.

WOMAN

(talking in a very animated way)

Ciao! Benvenuti! Welcome! Ah, Spike.

(kisses Spike on both cheeks)

Ha ha ha. Oh! You are the very meaning of handsome. You take my breath away. Ah, I have no breath. Ha ha ha!

(kisses Angel on both cheeks)

And you, what an honor. The great Angelus.

ANGEL

Actually, it's just Angel.

WOMAN

Ah, yes, of course. The gypsies, they gave you your soul. The gypsies are filthy people!

(spits)

And we shall speak of them no more. I am Ilona Costa Bianchi. I'm the CEO of the Roman offices of Wolfram e Hart. And please, we are at your disposal. Whatever it is that you want, we give to you. If you want the world, we give you the world. We give you 2 worlds, in fact, because this is our way.

ANGEL

OK.

SPIKE

Good. Yeah.

WOMAN / ILONA

Now, let's go in my office, and we talk like adults, eh? Come.

(turns toward her office)

Pietro.

PIETRO

(sitting at the receptionist's desk)

Si, signora.

ILONA

(speaking Italian rapidly)

Vai un circare un caffe e dolce qual checosa di mangiare.

PIETRO

Per chino, signora. Andiamo. Subito.

SPIKE

(Angel and Spike hesitate to follow her, but do)

She seems nice.

Cut to:

19 INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY

Fred escorts her father into the science lab. Fred's mom is behind them, holding onto Wesley's arm.

ROGER BURKLE

I gotta tell ya. Everyone is so dang friendly. I can't get over it.

FRED

Well, they kinda have to be, daddy. I'm their boss. If they're mean to you, I'll just fire 'em.

TRISH BURKLE

Have we not seen each other since I ran over that bug demon with the bus? How is that even possible?

WESLEY

Things have been a bit hectic these last couple...years.

TRISH BURKLE

Well, I want to hear absolutely everything, but most importantly, have you got a young lady in your life?

FRED

Mom!

TRISH BURKLE

What? I was just asking. Well, can I help it if there's a perfect gentleman hiding in plain sight of my single daughter?

FRED

Dad, make her stop.

ROGER BURKLE

Knock it off, big mouth.

TRISH BURKLE

(to Wesley) He keeps talking to me like that, I'm gonna keep you for myself.

ROGER BURKLE

Uh, is this whole laboratory yours, honey?

FRED

Well, technically, it's the company's, but... yeah. I'm in charge of it. Wanna see my office?

ROGER BURKLE

That's it up there?

(to Trish) Come on, baby.

TRISH BURKLE

Well!

WESLEY

(grabs Fred's arm, whispers angrily)

What the hell are you doing?

FRED

Visiting with my folks.

WESLEY

Illyria—

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in a lower voice, as Illyria)

Your grief hangs off of you like rotted flesh. I couldn't tolerate it from them as well. I thought this would be more convenient.

WESLEY

How's it possible?

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in a lower voice, as Illyria)

It's a simple modulation of my form. I appear as I choose.

(cocks her head, looks closely at Wesley)

Do you wish me to stop?

TRISH BURKLE

(steps out of the office)

Sweetie, you have got to do a better job decorating. This office is as bare as a bone.

(notices the tension between "Fred" and Wesley, puts her hands on her hips)

Is everything OK?

WESLEY

Everything's fine.

ILLYRIA as FRED

(chipper, as Fred)

Absotively.

Cut to:

20 INT. ILONA COSTA BIANCHI'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Ilona's office is where Angel's would be, but it's decorated very differently. There are lots of paintings of religious and secular material that appear to have been created by masters of the Italian renaissance and baroque periods. Pietro lights a cigarette for Ilona, and she smokes it through a long detachable filter.

ILONA

Please, make yourselves as though you were at home. Your problems, they are no more. You have no more problems.

(shrugs, chuckles)

What are your problems?

ANGEL

Our friend, she's under some sort of spell...

SPIKE

Cast by the vilest wretch this side of Mount Everest. Which... I'm told he has climbed... several times.

ANGEL

Look, he goes by the name of The Immortal.

ILONA

Ah, The Immortal. Ah. Then your friend is lucky. Ha ha. I have had dealings with The Immortal many times, and I must say that the outcome is always... most satisfactory.

SPIKE

He's got her trapped.

ANGEL

It's a love spell, and we—

ILONA

It's doubtful. The Immortal doesn't use spells. He considers them dirty. Dirty tricks for dirty people. Like gypsies.

(spits)

We will speak of them no more.

SPIKE

Well, he's done something magic to her.

ANGEL

We need to do some research. Look, don't you guys have, like, an Italian Wesley here?

ILONA

Yes. Yes, we have, but he's taking a nap. And I do not need him to tell me what is already widely known, that The Immortal does not use magic.

SPIKE

Then it must be somethin' else.

ANGEL

Look, we need to know everything there is to know about him. We need—

ILONA

To keep your head. Ha ha! Yes. We know all about your mission to retrieve the Capo di Famiglia. And I have to say, right now it seems a bit more important than trying to pry your friend off of The Immortal. Your head is in great danger.

(walks to her desk)

We have already received a ransom note. It was addressed to you via our offices.

(unfolds a piece of paper)

I took the liberty of sneaking a peek.

(hands the paper to Angel, who seems annoyed)

We must hurry because the drop is about to take place in less than one hour.

ANGEL

All right. We're gonna need a chase helicopter, assault team...

SPIKE

And guns. Lots and lots of guns.

ILONA

No, no, no, no! No, no.

(squeezes their cheeks)

The two of you are so precious. But no! This is a civilized country. We do these things all the time. Somebody gets kidnapped, somebody pays the money. Everybody goes home happy. Grazie. Prego. Kiss-kiss. We already have the money ready to go.

(gestures to Pietro, who opens a briefcase full of Euros)

Eh. Huh?

ANGEL

(Angel and Spike look at each other and sigh)

All right. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it your way.

SPIKE

(sighs)

Who's making the drop?

Cut to:

21 EXT. STREET IN ROME - NIGHT

Angel and Spike are standing in the middle of a piazza at night, waiting.

ANGEL

I helped save the world, you know.

SPIKE

Like I haven't.

ANGEL

Yeah, but I've done it a lot more.

SPIKE

Oh, please.

ANGEL

I closed the hellmouth.

SPIKE

I've done that.

ANGEL

Yeah, you wore a necklace. You know, I helped kill the mayor and, uh, and Jasmine and—

SPIKE

Do those really count as savin' the world?

ANGEL

I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.

SPIKE

Buffy ran you through with a sword.

ANGEL

Yeah, but I made her do it. I signaled her with my eyes.

SPIKE

She killed you. I helped her!

(points)

That one counts as mine.

ANGEL

My point is I'm better than this. OK? We're better than this. What the hell could Buffy see in him?

DEMON BUTLER

(stepping out of a nearby car, speaking in an Italian accent)

Perhaps she likes the cut of his trousers.

Other men get out of the car after the Butler. They surround Angel and Spike.

Cut to:

22 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY

Roger Burkle presses the down button to call the elevator. Trish is standing with him. They turn to face Wesley and Fred.

TRISH BURKLE

Sorry to just drop in on you like this unannounced.

ILLYRIA as FRED

Are you kidding me? I'm just sad y'all can't stay longer.

ROGER BURKLE

Well, the beach is callin'.

TRISH BURKLE

Wesley. You take care of our little Fred for us. OK?

WESLEY

Of course.

TRISH BURKLE

(hugs Fred)

Ohhh. I miss you already, and we haven't even gone yet.

(sighs, looks her in the face)

You sure you're OK? You seem different somehow.

ROGER BURKLE

Oh, she's just growin' up, mother. Let her go. You're gonna embarrass her in front of her employees.

ILLYRIA as FRED

Stop it, daddy, and come here. Give me a hug.

(hugs them both)

I love you guys so much.

TRISH BURKLE

Oh, we love you, too.

ROGER BURKLE

We'll talk soon. OK?

ILLYRIA as FRED

Countin' on it.

Wesley and "Fred" wave good-bye as Fred's parents get on the elevator.

WESLEY

Did you get what you needed from that experience?

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in a low voice, as Illyria)

Yes. It was most informative.

WESLEY

Good. Don't ever do it again.

(walks to his office)

Illyria glares at him as he leaves.

Cut to:

23 EXT. STREET IN ROME - NIGHT

The demon's cronies are in a circle surrounding Angel and Spike. The demon butler circles the two of them, talking, holding the bowling ball bag that the head's in.

DEMON BUTLER

You must be so lonely. Your girlfriend has become lovers with The Immortal. How unfortunate for you. And how fortunate for her.

ANGEL

(scoffs)

You know The Immortal?

DEMON BUTLER

But of course.

ANGEL

Ha! I knew it. None of this is a coincidence.

SPIKE

Been his plan all along. Steal our head, keep us busy, and traipse off with my girl.

(Angel gives him a look)

Our girl.

ANGEL

It's a setup. You're just his lackey.

DEMON BUTLER

I should be so lucky. The Immortal does not need men like me to do his business. He is a wild card, a wolf removed from the pack, a stallion without, uh, the bridle.

SPIKE

(sarcastically)

What, are you in love with him?

DEMON BUTLER

No, no, no, no. Well, OK, yes. But if anything, he's more of a, uh, inspiration, a spiritual guide. Have you read his book? It's a life changer.

ANGEL

(whispers to Spike)

I'm gettin' a little tired of Italy.

SPIKE

Know what you mean.

Angel and Spike start fighting the men surrounding them.

DEMON BUTLER

Oh, look. The Americans are relying on violence to solve their problems. What a surprise.

(as the fight ensues, the demon throws the bag into the air)

Whoo!

Angel tries to keep his eye on the bag, but another man catches it and swings the bag at Angel, hitting him in the face. The men keep playing a massive game of "keep away" with the bag, throwing it through the air to someone else anytime Angel or Spike get close to it.

DEMON BUTLER

(catches the bag)

OK. No more games!

(pulls out a gun and aims it at the bag)

(everyone stops fighting, but then Angel elbows a man behind him, getting in one final blow)

One more step, and the head gets it, hey? We are not animals. We are italiano. You give us the money, we give you the head.

(Angel and Spike don't move; they just stare)

You give us the money, we give you the head.

(Angel and Spike stare)

The money, the head. The money—

ANGEL

Yeah. We get it.

(hits Spike)

Money.

Spike gets the money and walks toward the demon.

SPIKE

(holds out the money, but pulls it back)

Hey.

(they switch bags at the same time)

DEMON BUTLER

Arrivederci, americanos. It was a pleasure to do the business with you.

(chuckles; he and his men leave)

SPIKE

Don't believe him for a second. The Immortal's neck-deep in all of this.

ANGEL

'Course he is. He's screwin' us. He's screwed us before, and he's screwin' us now.

SPIKE

Yeah. Every time we hear his bleeding name, we end up standin' in the strada holdin' the bag.

Spike unzips the bag to look inside, and instead of the head, a ticking bomb is inside, counting down in seconds from 0:05 — 0:04 — 0:03 — 0:02 — 0:01.

Fade to black.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT IV:

24 EXT. STREET IN ROME - NIGHT

Angel and Spike are looking around at the fiery debris from the explosion that litters the street.

SPIKE

Civilized country? Look what that squeaker did to my jacket.

ANGEL

After everything we've been through, you're pissed about a jacket.

SPIKE

No, not a jacket. My jacket. You have no idea what I went through to get this.

ANGEL

You stripped it off a body of a dead slayer.

SPIKE

Well, which gives it great sentimental value. Besides, I've been wearin' it for over 30 years. It's like a part of me.

ANGEL

Get over it. Buy a new one.

SPIKE

It's my second skin. It's who I am. It's just one more thing he's taken away that I'll never get back.

Cut to:

25 INT. ILONA COSTA BIANCHI'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Ilona helps Spike put on a new black leather duster just like his old one.

SPIKE

(admiring the new coat)

Yeah! This is good.

ILONA

(petting Spike's shoulders and chest)

I'm glad you like, because I sent another 10 of them to Los Angeles for you along with a fine assortment of shoes.

Angel walks in wearing a waist-length white, red, and black leather motorcycle jacket. He's not quite as pleased with it as Spike is with his.

ILONA

(gasps)

You! Guarda! Come sei bello! Sei bellissimo!

(speaks Italian)

Bellissimo! You look gorgeous! Oh!

ANGEL

You know, I'm not sure this is me.

ILONA

No, no, no, no, no. This is the latest style. You will define handsome for years to come. Ha ha ha! Now, what happened to the drop? No grazie, prego, kiss-kiss?

ANGEL

Grazie, prego, ka-boom.

ILONA

Ohh! Oh, they always do this to first-timers in this country. Did I not mention that?

ANGEL

(unzips his jacket angrily)

That's it. Call up the helicopters.

SPIKE

And the assault team.

ANGEL

We're gettin' our head back.

ILONA

No, no, no. I love the two of you so much, but brute force will only get your precious head smooshed. You have done such fine quality work.

(escorts them to the door)

Now, please, relax. Let us handle it from here.

(walks them out of her office)

Sometimes you have to put your fate in a higher power.

ANGEL

We're heroes. We don't need any higher power.

ILONA

I'll be in touch.

(closes the doors to her office)

ANGEL

We make our own fate.

(the doors click shut)

We don't need anybody cleaning up our mess. You know, we're champions!

(Spike pounds on the door; Angel tries to open it, but it's locked)

Got this under control.

(pounding on door)

You know, we're just gonna— We're—

(leans against the door and sighs)

Should we just go home?

SPIKE

(sighs)

Oh, God, yes.

(they walk to the elevators)

Couldn't get me out of this rat hole of a country fast enough.

Cut to:

26 INT. APARTMENT IN ROME - NIGHT

Andrew opens the apartment door once again to see Angel and Spike standing there.

ANGEL

Is Buffy back yet?

ANDREW

(his hair is wet and he's wearing a bathrobe, holding a towel)

Sorry. Not yet. You guys can hang if you want. I'm just heading out.

(Angel and Spike walk in; turns to Angel)

Oh. Hey. Nice jacket.

ANGEL

(closes the door behind him)

It's the latest style.

SPIKE

Andrew. Has Buffy been acting off? Like The Immortal's got her under a spell of sorts?

ANDREW

Excellent question. No.

(walks back to the bathroom, off screen)

ANGEL

Could it be mind control?

SPIKE

Or a love potion? Did she drink a love potion?

ANDREW (O.S.)

Dude, seriously, I thought of all those things, but turns out Buffy fell for The Immortal on her own, and—and now she's happy. That's it.

ANGEL

But she's not finished baking yet.

(ranting)

I gotta wait till she's done baking, you know, till she finds herself, 'cause that's the drill. Fine. I'm waitin' patiently, and meanwhile, The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!

(sighs, sits)

ANDREW (O.S.)

Uh, Spike, is Angel crying?

SPIKE

(defensively)

No!

(looks at Angel, who's holding his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes)

Not yet.

ANDREW (O.S.)

May want to hold the waterworks, big guy. The Immortal's cool and all, but he ain't all that. He's got his flaws.

ANGEL

(stands)

Really?

SPIKE

Wh-what are they?

ANDREW (O.S.)

(sighs, exasperated)

Ohhh. The point is she's moving on. You guys do the same, and you might catch her one day. One of you, anyway. But you keep running in place, you're gonna find she's long gone.

SPIKE

(to Angel) It is a bit silly. Us... chasin' around like a couple of henpecked teenagers.

ANDREW (O.S.)

Buffy loves both of you, but she's gotta live her life. People change.

Andrew walks out from the bathroom, now wearing a tuxedo and a sophisticated hairstyle.

ANDREW

You guys should try it sometime.

(there's a knock on door; answers it to find two beautiful women on the other side)

Ah, Caprice, se bella come la notte.

(kisses the blonde on both cheeks)

E tu, Isabella...

(kisses the brunette on both cheeks)

superi perfino le stelle.

(turns to Angel and Spike)

Ciao.

(exits and closes the door)

SPIKE

Well... maybe it's time we—

ANGEL

Yeah.

They leave.

Cut to:

27 INT. WESLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Wesley is sitting at his desk, staring off into space when Illyria walks in still dressed up as Fred.

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in Fred's voice)

Wes? Are you, like... mad at me or something?

WESLEY

Stop it.

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in Illyria's voice)

Isn't it what you desire?

(in Fred's voice)

I mean... you love me, I love you. What's the big deal?

WESLEY

I loved her.

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in Illyria's voice)

You loved this. And part of you still does. I can feel it in you.

(walks closer to Wesley)

I... wish to explore it further.

WESLEY

(stands, faces her)

Never. You... like this. It sickens me.

ILLYRIA as FRED

(in Fred's voice)

Oh, lord. We both know that ain't true.

(smiles, walks closer to him)

WESLEY

(leans away)

Stop it!

(avoids looking at her)

Change back. Be blue. Be anything. Don't be her.

(walks toward the door)

Don't ever be her.

(walks out)

ILLYRIA

(leans her head back, transforms back into Illyria's blue form)

As you wish.

Cut to:

28 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY

Gunn signs a document on a clipboard as Angel and Spike walk off the elevator.

GUNN

(to the assistant) Thanks.

ANGEL

Gunn. We lost the head. Start preparing the troops for war.

GUNN

Head's in your office.

ANGEL

What?

GUNN

It's on your desk.

Gunn walks away.

Cut to:

29 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY

The bowling ball bag containing the head is sitting on Angel's desk with a little folded note tied to it with ribbon. Angel and Spike walk up to it. Angel pulls the note out of its envelope and reads it.

ANGEL

"With regards, The Immortal."

(angrily rips the note into tiny shreds)

You know, I really hate that guy!

SPIKE

What's Buffy thinking? H-honestly?

ANGEL

She doesn't exactly have the best taste in men. Case in point.

(looks at Spike)

SPIKE

H-hey! I think I turned out all right.

ANGEL

Yeah. Once she got through with you.

SPIKE

I wasn't the one livin' in alleys, rubbin' rat filth all over my face. If we're talkin' projects, you're the Sistine Chapel.

ANGEL

I wasn't a project.

SPIKE

Well, neither was I.

(Angel sighs, sits on the edge of his desk)

Can't we just... lock her away in a box where no one can ever touch her? You know? Like we did with Pavayne?

ANGEL

(crosses his arms, thinks a moment)

I don't think she'd let us. Uh, she's pretty strong.

SPIKE

We could do a spell. Some sort of mind control.

ANGEL

Oh, she'd figure it out. You know, she's pretty smart.

SPIKE

Yeah.

(sighs, sits on the edge of the desk by Angel)

So, what? We just have to live with it? Get on with our lives?

ANGEL

'Fraid so.

SPIKE

(sighs)

Fine.

(sniffles)

No problem. I was plannin' on doin' that anyway.

ANGEL

Yeah, me, too.

SPIKE

Actually, I'm doin' it right now. As we speak, I'm movin' on.

The camera pans out to a wider shot.

ANGEL

Movin' on.

SPIKE

Oh, yeah.

The camera pans out to an even wider shot of Angel and Spike sitting next to each other in the big, empty office.

ANGEL

Right now.

SPIKE

Movin'.


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