Where the fuck are we?

My guess, altoona.

Where'd you hear about this place again?

I read about it in "o".

And I thought it was all douche ads.

Well, I’ll have to get you a subscription for your birthday.

Something tells me this is it.

Uh-Ha.

We're here for the Feldman bar mitzvah.

Eh, come on.

Unh, don't do that, don't do that.

Watch it. Watch it.

Your cock is really hard.

Huh, yeah, try frozen solid. Hmm.

You don't suppose my tongue'll stick to it, do you?

Are you okay?

The metal's fucking freezing.

This sucks.

And not in a positive, life-Affirming way.

There has to be someplace else we can go.

Ah...

Ah. Oh, man.

Ah. Ah, that was great.

A-Mazing.

And climate controlled.

Stockwell's finally done it...

forced us to stay at home and fuck in our beds.

You're the one who helped him Turn us into straight, law-abiding citizens.

Call me dr. Spin.

You could be dr. Evil.

So what the hell are you two doing here this early?

Ben had us up all night, Prowling every back street in the city.

When did you become a couple of alley cats?

We didn't.

We're trying to find this kid.

The one we brought in here last week.

Oh, I remember.

I gotta tell him some news.

He's positive.

Christ, he's just a kid.

So why do you have to tell him?

It's a long story.

He was in the hospital and, uh... he gave them my name, said I was his uncle.

And ben went along with it.

He didn't want to get put back In the foster care system.

So now, all of a sudden you're responsible?

You know, you can get into some serious trouble, Messing around in this kid's life.

Tell him. I just did.

Then again, Maybe we can help him.

That is, if we can find him.

Why didn't you ask me?

I can tell you where to look.

You can? Sweetheart, Check out the clientèle.

Who in the fuck do you think comes in here This hour of the morning?

Boys who're working the night shift.

Last I heard, they'd all moved over to the warehouse district.

Mother knows best.

So who wants another waffle? Ted?

Huh? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Me too. They're yummy.

What's your secret?

A waffle iron... and waffle mix?

I'll have to remember that.

How nice to have someone plan a meal for me for a change.

So, things are going well? Mmm, At least two events a week.

I finally gave my notice at torso.

Auf wiedersehen, au revoir and good riddance To peddling polyester pullovers to tweaked-Out club kids.

Teddy, what about you? What have you been up to?

Oh, the usual... re-Reading Schopenhauer, Working on my theory of post-Neo-Relativity, And I think I discovered a new black hole between pluto and Jupiter.

Pass the syrup?

Well, you know, Mel and I have been thinking... that if you could spare the time... you might help us.

You see, we've managed, believe it or not, To actually set aside a little bit of cash... we want to start a college fund for Gus.

What a wonderful idea!

But it'll need to be managed properly by... Someone we can trust. Someone like you.

Like me?

Mm-Hm. Well, Considering how many times you've saved my ass on taxes, Not to mention that amazing program you put us on

So Linz could stay home with the baby... you'd be the perfect person.

We want to start with $ , .

And then add to it when we can.

So what do you say... ted Schmidt, financial wizard?

Uh... yeah, sure.

I mean we could... ladder it in stable bonds.

I'd stay away from the market for now, But, you know, if there's stability at some point, I wouldn't be adverse to investing in some blue chips.

Listen to him.

Teddy knows.

He sure does.

Whoo-Hoo.

And since it's the last spot before the election, I want to do something broad-Sweeping, an epic.

"Lord of the rings" in seconds?

Something that will put you in the context of the entire city; A man for all the people.

I get it. Show me with as many racially And culturally diverse groups as possible.

Exactly. -Actually, It's not a bad idea.

I don't really have bad ideas.

And I want the cameras on you at all times.

We'll get you at the Asian cultural society, The Hispanic institute, the gay and lesbian center... the gay and lesbian center?

I'm not too popular in that neck of the woods.

Perhaps we should scratch that one.

Let's not be too hasty.

They did endorse you, after all, And, who knows, when it comes down to election day, It may be those few extra votes That tip things in your favour.

Wouldn't that be a laugh, If it were the gays that put you in office.

The polls do show That the race is getting tighter.

Go kiss some hands. Shake some babies.

Wasn't it sweet of the girls to have us over?

And how about them asking you to manage Gus' college fund?

Yeah. How about that?

So how long have the three of you been planning this?

Not long. I mean, they did mention something When they called to invite us to brunch.

And you, no doubt, thought it was a splendid idea To invent a little project to keep teddy busy, Is that it? No, that is not it.

They're your friends, And since it's their son's future, They obviously trust you.

Ted!

Hey, man.

Oh, hi.

This is Derek and roman.

Uh, this is Emmett... my partner.

I prefer "lover".

I know it's not p.C. To say that any more, but... I don't give a shit.

So, are you boys coming back from Babylon?

Oh, they shut down the back room, can you believe it?

So we're going to my place to fuck.

That's... nice.

You guys want to "cum"?

Oh, uh... no thanks.

Some other time.

So long.

Wow. He seemed really tweaked out.

How do you know him anyway?

Oh, he's a... ear, nose and throat specialist.

I went to him once to have my sinuses drained.

Until you just said that, the scariest thing I ever imagined Were my parents having sex.

Oh... oh, That's exactly what I’ve been looking for.

Okay, I need these.

And these and these? I'm not sure.

Honey, can you just give me a second?

I just... I want to run in and pick up a couple of these.

I just want to say, chief stockwell, That I totally support your efforts to make liberty avenue A decent and respectable place to live...

Thank you very much. But I was wondering Why it takes the police so long to respond.

My townhouse was broken into a couple of months ago.

I called, and the police didn't show up for two hours.

Unfortunately, the current mayor cut my department's budget, But when I’m elected, I can guarantee you a greater police presence on liberty avenue.

Any other questions for the chief?

Margarita Lopez.

Excuse me?

Margarita Lopez was a transsexual.

She was murdered five years ago.

Her killers have never been found.

The Pittsburgh p.D. Does its best to solve every crime.

However, there's always the occasional... Jefferson proctor.

Jefferson proctor was a gay African American.

Shot to death half a block from woodies.

Crime unsolved.

Natasha Ginsburg.

Natasha Ginsburg, age .

A lesbian out walking her dog.

Stabbed to death, killer still at large.

Justin Taylor.

Justin Taylor, my beautiful gay son.

Attacked at his prom, Left for dead.

Police reported it as a simple assault, Instead of a hate crime, which it was.

His attacker got off with community service.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank these concerned citizens For reminding me of the violence that threatens,

And sometimes claims the lives of members of this community.

However, the vast majority of violent crimes are solved, And the criminals apprehended.

What about him?

Did you do your best for him?

I remember that boy.

His murder was tragic, someone so young.

Then what was his name?

I may not recall his name, But I do know... Jason Kemp.

His name was Jason Kemp.

And the reason you don't remember it Is because no one on your police force Was ever able to find out what it was.

But I did, The waitress who found his body in a dumpster Behind the diner where I work.

Let's wrap this up.

Jason Kemp, A.K.A. Dumpster boy.

Murder unsolved.

We'd like to thank our guest, Police chief Jim stockwell, for coming tonight, And to invite everyone to stay for coffee.

Uh, we should remember That Jim stockwell is a very busy man, And we're extremely grateful to him For finding the time to come... shame on you.

He's probably warmer than we are.

I bet some rich sugar daddy's taken him home, and... wrapped him in a cashmere comforter

And is feeding him lobster bisque soup.

What vivid imagery.

Well, that's what happens in stage one hypothermia: You start hallucinating. Look, look, look.

I could be a top or a bottom.

Come on, don't be shy. Want to hang out?

No lobster bisque soup.

Not even chicken noodle.

Hey.

Christ... fuck. Hey!

He's not the fucking cops!

I've been looking for you.

Why is it every time you show up, you cost me money?

He was even willing to spring for a hotel room.

It's important.

Everything with you is important.

You should listen to him.

Now what?

When you were in the hospital, They tested you for hiv and... it turns out you're positive.

Look, I know it's upsetting, but... the good news is you're healthy.

Your viral load is undetectable, With all the new advances...

Thanks for the info. Hey!

Don't you even care?

That I have aids?

I did not say aids, I said hiv.

So I have it.

Most of the guys out here already do.

It's no big deal.

No, it's a very big deal. You have to learn To take care of yourself... fuck off!

I have work to do. Hey, If you don't care about yourself, then what about others?

You could be infecting the people you sleep with.

You pays your money, you takes your chances.

It's cold out here.

Want to warm me up?

Yeah, you want it. You know you do.

Come on over. You can have both of us.

This pastry would be a hell of a lot crisper With a professional oven.

Well, mister, The kitchen fairy just may grant your wish.

After this next party, I will have saved up enough to afford one.

Now we're cooking. Hmm.

Can you think of anything worse than a soggy cheese puff?

As hard as I try, Absolutely nothing comes to mind.

One tasty tart deserves another.

Uh, no, thanks. Now, now.

One is never too busy for a blue cheese and pear puff.

Oh-H! Careful. Don't burn your tongue.

Now you tell me?

Uh... what do you... what do you say we all go out tonight?

Uh, the Pittsburgh civic opera's doing all hours Of wagner's ring cycle.

Maybe, if it were wagner's cock ring cycle...

Uh... a... a movie, then.

Uh, there's a Douglas sir retrospective Going on down at the regency.

Sweetie, my life is a Lana turner movie.

I don't need to see one.

Um... uh, but dinner, then? Uh...

I read about this great new restaurant...

the last thing I want to look at is food.

Anyway, I’m...

meeting Rodney for a late-Night game of strip scrabble.

Why don't you call Michael and ben?

Or, uh, Brian; see what they're up to?

You've been in all day.

Go out. Have some fun.

Here's to nailing that motherfucker.

It'll be all over the news for sure.

Mmm... mmm.

The gay community bashes back.

And we have none other to thank than my...

brilliant, talented son.

Hey, sunshine.

It was a brilliant idea, Researching those unsolved crimes.

How'd you do it, sunshine?

I have my "deep throat".

I bet you do.

Excuse me.

You're so smart. You know you're smart.

You don't seem too upset.

About what?

Well, we just exposed Your boy's considerable shortcomings In full view of the press.

Well... every politician has to deal with the lunatic fringe.

You know, in the old days, before you sold your soul For a sack of gold, You'd've been the one who laid the trap for stockwell.

In fact, it had the hand of the master written all over it.

I guess those days are gone.

Hi.

Where the fuck were you?

You never came to the center.

I was with ben, looking for hunter.

Yeah, well, you missed quite a show.

Your mom does a great Norma Rae.

Did you find him?

Ben told him he was positive. He didn't even seem to care.

He's a fucking hustler, what do you expect?

At his age, he probably doesn't realize the consequences.

You'd think he'd at least show some gratitude For us trying to help.

I'm sure he'll write you a thank-You note First chance he gets.

It was a very loving thing you did, sweetheart.

Even if some people don't think so.

Well, if you're done doing your good deed, How about picking up a cue?

You know, we're lucky.

What? That our hairline hasn't started to recede?

That no matter how much you hated your parents, Or how much my mom drives me crazy... they never tried to give us away.

Huh. Speak for yourself.

That coat does not look very warm.

It's warm enough.

Did you already blow your nose in it?

No, I did not.

Huh. I-I...

Got an old down-Fill here. It's, uh...

it's still in good shape.

No one wants to pick up a guy who looks like an eskimo.

Hey, no one wants to pick up a guy who's going to give him hiv either, So... here.

Make sure you use these, And make sure they use them too...

okay? Even if they do offer to pay you $ .

Hey, wait! Come back!

Get the fuck out of here! Leave me alone!

Fine.

Hey!

Why are you doing this?

Why do you even care?

'Cause I’m positive too.

You're going to fuck me, man.

Now, I thought you had to be with your boyfriend.

He's planning a party.

It couldn't be as hot as this one.

Oh...

just the blue cheese and pear puffs.

Speaking of parties...

it's white party weekend.

Yeah? Where?

Where else?

P.S., I love you.

Palm springs, the desert.

Hot, hot, hot!

That's right, darling. The hottest music, The hottest drugs, and the hottest boys.

You wanna go?

To a circuit party in palm springs?

Well, have you ever been to a circuit party in palm springs?

No.

Well then, let me tell you about it.

Imagine... tens of thousands Of the most gorgeous men you've ever seen.

You'll get hard the second you walk through the door.

And the favours...

any kind you want, any time you want.

You're floating. You're...

horny.

And... everywhere you turn, There's someone there to suck you or stroke you.

And the weather!

Fuck this snow And sleet shit.

There's a soft breeze blowing, Even at : in the morning, And everything's white, White, White.

So white it glows.

It's more than an oasis, it's, uh, well... heaven.

And if the real heaven

Isn't anything like it...

damn well should be.

That sounds amazing, But, uh... huh!

But, uh... what? It's all there waiting for us.

All I have to do is pick up the phone and call my travel agent.

See, I’m, uh... I’m teflon-Ing his nose.

He got a nasty coke habit.

He'll get us a great deal.

Won't cost more than a few thou'.

You can spare a few thou', can't you?

Okay. Have some miso soup.

What's that?

Oh... it's...

japanese chicken soup.

Come on, just eat it.

Just take it and...

so, how long have you had it?

Uh...

I tested positive three years ago, And so far, knock wood, I have been healthy.

So, what's the big deal?

Staying that way.

It takes a lot more work than you think, Not to mention dealing with the social and... and psychological ramifications.

I'm a kid, remember?

You mind talking down to me?

You know what I’m saying.

I don't want to talk about it.

I understand...

but at some point, you're going to have to.

Hey. Sorry I’m late.

I was at woody's with every...

Hey. Uh...

come on in.

I didn't realize we had company.

Yeah. I, uh...

I offered hunter, uh, something hot to eat, And a place to crash.

That was a very loving thing you did, sweetheart.

I can't believe you're doing this.

We're doing this. No, You're doing this.

What the hell did you tell him anyway?

That he could stay here.

For how long?

I did not give it a time limit.

We're not china.

There's no open door policy.

What's so funny? Oh... that is such a mother thing to say, And your mother must've said that.

My mother's never heard of the open door policy, And that's not the point. The point Is he just got out of the hospital.

He's just found out he's positive.

Am I supposed to let him sleep on the street On one of the coldest nights of the year?

No, of course not.

I just want to know what you plan to do.

Right now, I’m offering a helping hand to someone who needs it.

You hardly know him.

No, actually, we're related.

By blood.

Wow.

That's a real beauty.

Yeah, I’m kind of proud of it myself.

Where should we stick it?

Mmm... city hall, Police headquarters, Up his ass.

We'll annihilate the fucker.

Ah, don't be so sure. It's only a poster.

"Only?"

Last one sent him around the bend.

They even wrote an editorial about it in the paper.

Think of the stink when they see this one.

How did you get to be such a clever devil?

Learned from the master.

Thanks for meeting me at this hour.

You said you needed to speak to me Personally and confidentially. That's right.

Would you like some? I don't drink.

Thank god I do.

I've become aware of a situation Within my campaign...

that there's someone I worked with closely, Someone I’ve trusted, who's working against me.

That's very unfortunate.

But... why are you telling me?

It's Kinney.

Brian?

That's ludicrous.

Brian would never... I’m a cop.

I know when I’m being set up.

He sent me into that fiasco at the gay and lesbian center, Knowing exactly what would happen.

And what makes you so sure?

That kid who was shouting out those names...

a Justin Taylor...

I knew I’d seen him somewhere before, Then I remembered... it was here.

He's an intern in our art department.

And they were both there tonight.

That still doesn't explain why Brian would do such a thing.

Because he's a fag.

He's got too much invested in your campaign.

This entire agency does.

Why would he sabotage it?

All I know is... I want him gone.

That might prove a bit difficult.

You've referred to him in the press

As the gay member of your team, And as your "close friend and personal advisor".

One guess whose idea it was to do that.

Christ.

Never a moment's rest.

Now what's the matter? Haven't you ever seen two guys fucking before?

Want to finish?

We can't just stick around here all day Keeping an eye on him.

Well, then we'll tell him he can come back tonight, After we get home, okay?

Hey. How'd you sleep?

Any coffee?

Yeah, help yourself.

So, are you off to school?

Yeah! Gotta make good grades If I want to get into Harvard.

I take it that's a no.

You go to school, don't you?

Who the fuck are you?

My social worker?

Worse. He's a teacher.

Uh, and you ought to have a real breakfast.

Let me... let me fix you a protein shake.

He's also a health freak.

I could tell already, this isn't my day.

Listen... listen, Ben and I are going to work, So you... you gotta leave.

Yeah, but we'll, uh... be back around : , So if you want to have dinner, spend the night, We'll be here.

Hopefully, I’ll have a trick Who's paying me to sleep there.

Well, if you don't, Make sure you show up before midnight, 'Cause that's when we lock the door.

Huh! A curfew?

You're as bad as some of my foster parents.

Maybe some of them weren't so bad.

Hey.

Before you go on your merry way, I need to ask you something.

Not for myself, but for Ben.

I told you I’d do you both.

Alone, together.

Hell, I’ll even do you for half price Just to show my appreciation.

That's not what I was going to ask you.

I want to know if you're coming back.

I don't think you are, But Ben thinks otherwise.

I guess you could say he has more faith in humanity, Or... at least in you, than I do.

Anyway, I...

I would hate to see him get hurt, So if you don't plan on returning, just say so now And I’ll tell him not to expect you.

All I asked was for him to say he was my uncle.

I never asked for the free meal, the bed, the coat.

I sure as hell didn't ask to hear I’m positive, So he can keep his fucking help.

I'll let him know.

You've put me in a very difficult position, I hope you realize that. Yeah, almost as difficult As the one I was in when you showed up.

Even though you're a partner in this agency, I'm still the ceo and major shareholder,

And there are limits to what you can get away with.

If stockwell's got a problem, he can confront me directly.

After what he saw last night?

To say that you were caught with your pants down Is an understatement.

Okay, so you found me fucking the intern.

The same intern who made those libellous, Infantile posters,

Who stockwell recognized from the fiasco At the gay and lesbian center,

Where he suspects you sent him, Knowing full well what would happen.

All right! Gardner...

what do you want from me?

I want to know why you would do such a thing.

Sacrifice your future, as well as this agency's for what?

You wouldn't understand.

Why not?

Because you're straight.

Huh... whatever the reason, You just fucked yourself out of a job.

He said he was going to woody's

To have a drink with you and Ben.

He didn't?

Well, he didn't come home last night, he hasn't called.

Michael, I don't know what to do.

I can't call the police, Not after what... oh!

Look who it is!

Mel and Linz, with Gus.

Hi, sweetie! Oh, yeah. That's him.

It's Michael.

Well, yeah, y-You have a nice day too.

Mm-Hm? Me? Oh, yeah, I-I'm just going to stay at home, kick back and, uh... watch a tribute to Hitchcock on amc.

Did you ever see "the lady vanishes"?

Mm-Hm, mm-Hm. Good.

All right, well, talk to you later.

What a surprise.

Mind if we, uh...

oh, yeah, yeah...

uh, do you want something to drink? Coffee, tea, lemonade?

Um, a-Are you hungry? H-How about a... a grilled cheese?

My... my treat. For someone who's kicking back, You're going a mile a minute.

Oh, you know me. It's... my aunt lulah always used to say They'd've named me speedy alka-Seltzer if there hadn't already been one.

Oh.

So where's teddy?

He's, uh... he's out.

Uh, taking a walk... uh, to the gym.

He's... he's... he's walking to the gym.

He's on a new regimen, so... uh, you know, I was going to call him later, see how he's doing.

So much better, thanks.

Because I was checking out Gus' college fund and... well, I-I know he's been busy Looking for just the right investment, so...

well, he must've found it, because, uh... all the money in Gus' savings account's been withdrawn.

W-With... uh... w-W-Withdrawn?

You know how Melanie likes to watch money.

I-I-Is that an anti-Semitic remark?

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

Like a hawk.

Yeah, uh, remember the time that... the bank deducted $ by mistake?

How could I ever forget?

Well, he must've bought some high-Yielding bond, Or some stock that's about to split for .

You know what a wiz teddy is.

You see? I told you.

She's such a control freak.

But, um...

Just to... put your mind at ease, As well as mine, I, uh, will have him call you as soon as he gets back...

From, uh... from his walk...

to the gym.

From his... walk to the gym.

Hello!

Tuna and macaroni.

It was your favourite when you were a kid.

No, it wasn't.

Don't argue with me, you fucking loved it.

I heard you lost your job.

I was escorted out of my office and off the premises By a security guard... without so much as a ballpoint pen.

That, I’d like to have seen.

Why? So you could tell me I had it coming?

Damn right you did.

What you and sunshine were up to Was treacherous and deceitful... and I have never... been so fuckin' proud of you in my life.

Thanks, ma.

Can you still buy a lid?

Not unless you have a time machine.

Oh...

Well, I haven't smoked since... James Taylor had hair.

Recall the thrilling days of yesteryear.

I gotta go home and do the laundry.

Oh, god.

One whiff of that and I’m back at Woodstock, Getting laid by three guys named Julio.

Tell anyone and you're a fuckin' dead man.

Your secret's safe with me, senorita.

Mmm...

this shit's strong.

Well...

of. bucks a. th, the chronic had better be.

I won't even pretend to understand what that meant.

You know...

you really scared me, Brian.

I thought, "well...

this time you've finally gone too far...

sold your soul for money, and power."

I know how important those things are to you, And I understand where it comes from, But each time you'd reach the precipice

And were about to step headlong into oblivion, You always managed to pull back.

Why is that?

Winter sale at Prada?

I believe it's your innate goodness.

Don't laugh...

when I’m being profound.

It's like one of those philosophers, Socrates and... and... and Plato, or... anyway, one of them wrote about, Each one of us is born With a sense of right and wrong.

And... we all know.

And you're no different.

Shit.

This fucking thing's gone out.

Yeah, well, that's just as well.

Anymore and you'd probably be taking off your bra

And singing "white rabbit".

Oh god!

I loved the airplane!

I lived for grace slick.

Oh...

now we got Britney spears.

Tell me the world isn't going to shit.

The world's going to shit. Yeah.

I could've told you that.

So, lay off the bad boy routine, 'Cause you're too old for it, And... it isn't true.

Anything else?

Yeah.

You got a bag of chips?

I know, I know.

He's not coming back.

You really surprised?

Yeah, I guess I am.

I felt there were moments...

a flicker in his eye...

a pause before he'd answer, When I thought something registered, that...

I was actually...

getting through to him.

Call me crazy.

You're not crazy.

You're just kind. Hmm.

Well, let's, uh...

hope he's being careful, That he at least heard that much.

We can always hope.

There's always unemployment.

I suppose you could write your memoirs.

There seems to be an endless fascination among the masses

With reveling in the downfall of the once mighty.

Well, thanks for the career tips, But I think I’ll just go to Babylon and fuck my brains out.

Think again.

Back room's closed.

Well, the hell if we're going to stand around bare-Ass In the back of an -Wheeler when it's degrees.

I could always make my mother's meat loaf, honey, And we could look at photos From when we took the kids to Disney world.

I have a better idea.

All I can say is, he'd better be here.

You don't really think he ran off With Gus' college fund?

That's not ted.

That's what I’ve been trying to tell you, I...

I’m not sure I know who ted is any more.

You see him?

The loser?

He's one of the guys we ran into the other day.

One of ted's new friends.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I said, excuse me!

My name's Emmett.

You probably don't remember...

no, I’m sure you don't.

My... my boyfriend, ted Schmidt, and I, We ran into you and your friends the other day.

Anyway, I-I'm looking for him.

See, he didn't come home last night.

H-He didn't even call, And I’m worried that he might be...

he went to palm springs.

What?

We were tweaking last night... tw... tweaking? Ted?

And he and a couple of the others Decided to go to the white party.

Wish I could afford to.

Since when can ted?

That guy's a strung out crystal queen.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

Come on, keep looking.

No, let's go home.

I'll get it.

: and seconds.

You said midnight.

Whoa!

The back room is reopened, boys!