5.08 Changing Channels

Air Date: 5 Nov 2009

THEN

Lilith was the final seal.

I killed her and I set Lucifer free.

Dean: You sons of bitches jumpstarted Judgment Day!

Zachariah: It's Apocalypse Now.

Castiel: Raphael. Where is he?

RAPHAEL

God? He's dead, Castiel.

You know who I am.

Sam: Lucifer.

Lucifer: You're the one, Sam. You're my true vessel.

Sam: That'll never happen.

Zachariah: You're the Michael sword.

Dean: What do you mean, I'm the sword?

Zachariah: You're Michael's weapon.

Dean: I'm a vessel?

Zachariah: You're the[i]vessel.

You got a Trickster on your hands.

Dean: So what is it? Spirit? Demon?

Bobby: More like demigods.

They're immortal, and they can create things out of thin air-

Bobby: -usually with a sense of humor. Deadly pranks.

Dean: Okay, another thing Bobby mentioned was-

-that these suckers have a real sweet tooth.

So this is fun for you?

Killing Dean over and over again?

TRICKSTER

Sam, there's a lesson here.

Sam: What lesson?

TRICKSTER

Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam.

NOW

[i]EXT. SUN 'N SANDS MOTEL - DAY

Dean (V.O): Supernatural[i]is filmed before a live studio audience.

[i]INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Dean puts some things in a refrigerator, closes the fridge, and turns around. Applause. There is a sandwich on the table, about a foot tall.

Dean: I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.

Laugh track.

Sam enters the room. Applause.

Dean: Hey there, Sam. What's happening?

Sam: Oh, nothing. Um. Just the end of the world.

Laugh track. Sam sees the sandwich.

Sam: You're gonna need a bigger mouth.

Laugh track.

Sam: Hey, uh, have you done your research yet?

Dean gets a 'busted' expression. Laugh track.

Dean: Oh, yeah. All kinds of research. All night.

Sam: Yeah? Hm.

The bathroom door opens. A Woman in a bikini comes out. Wolf whistles.

Woman: Oh, Dean...

Sam looks at her. Dean turns around, caught.

Dean: We have some more research to do.

Sam folds his arms.

Sam: Dean...

Laugh track.

Dean: Son of a bitch!

Laugh track.

TITLE SEQUENCE

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Dean and Sam look around an empty house.

All captions are in the Full House[i]font.

Supernatural

Music: Town to town, two-lane roads, family biz, two hunting bros

Dean and Sam back into each other, startle, turn around, and burst out laughing.

Music: Living a lie just to get by

Sam opens a cabinet. A white-sheeted 'ghost' waggles at him. He shuts the cabinet and stands against the door. Freeze frame.

Starring

JARED PADALECKI

As

Sam Winchester

Music: As long as we're moving forward

[i]EXT. LANE - DAY

Dean is working on the Impala. He wipes his forehead, smearing grease there. Sam points and laughs. Dean looks at his hand and laughs. Freeze frame.

JENSEN ACKLES

As

Dean Winchester

Music: There's nothing we can't do, together we'll face the day

EXT. PARK - DAY

Dean and Sam ride a tandem bicycle.

Music: You and I won't run away

Dean and Sam race on absurdly small motorcycles.

MISHA COLLINS

As

Castiel

Sam throws a football to Dean, who catches it and bounces it off the ground.

Guest Starring

RICHARD SPEIGHT, JR.

As

The Trickster

Music: When the demons come out to play

Dean and Sam both flop backwards onto the ground.

INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Dean and Sam both hold half-eaten burgers. They clink together beer bottles and grin at the camera.

Created by

ERIC KRIPKE

Music: Together we'll face the day

ACT ONE

Black screen. Anya Marina's "Move You" begins to play.

Wellington, Ohio

Two Days Earlier

HOSPITAL

INT. HOSPITAL

Several medical personnel exit an elevator.

INTERCOM

All on-duty interns please report to station five south. All on-duty interns please report to station five south.

A Man in a white lab coat, Dr. PALMER, and a Woman in blue scrubs, Dr. PICCOLO, enter the elevator.

Music: Bending spoons with my mind

The moment the doors close, they begin making out.

Music: Manifesting men of all kinds in my spare time

MOTEL

INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY

The hospital scene is on the TV. Dean is sitting on a bed watching, rapt. The room looks exactly like the BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM from earlier, only less clean, less well-maintained, and in less vivid colors.

Music: Oh how I struggled in vain with this riddle in my brain

Sam: What are you watching?

Dean: Hospital show. Dr. Sexy, MD[i]. I think it's based on a book.

Sam: When did you hit menopause?

Dean: It's called channel surfing.

Dean gets up and turns off the TV. The music stops. Sam grabs his suit jacket off the other bed and puts it on.

Dean: You ready?

Sam: Are you?

Dean grabs his keys and walks out.

Police STATION

[i]INT. Police STATION - DAY

Officer: One more time, the FBI is here why, exactly?

Co-Producer

Jeremy CARVER

Dean: Might have something to do with one of your locals getting his head ripped off.

Officer: Bill Randolph died from a bear attack.

Sam: How sure are you-

Co-Producers

JERRY WANEK

SERGE LADOUCEUR

Sam: -that it was a bear?

Officer: What else would it be?

Dean: Well, whatever it was-

Producer

TODD ARONAUER

Dean: -it chased Mr. Randolph through the woods, smashed through his front door-

Co-Executive Producer

PETER JohnSON

Dean: -followed him up the stairs, and killed him in his bedroom.

Executive Producer

SERA GAMBLE

Dean: Is that common, a bear doing all that?

Officer: Depends how pissed off it is, I guess. Look, the Randolphs live way up in high country. You got trout runs to make a grown man weep.

Executive Producer

BEN EDLUND

Officer: And bears.

Sam: Right. Now, what about Mrs. Randolph? The file says she saw the whole thing.

Officer: Yes, she did.

Executive Producer

PHIL SGRICCIA

Officer: My heart goes out to that poor woman.

Dean: She said bear.

Executive Producer

McG

Officer: Kathy Randolph went through a hell of a trauma. She's confused.

Sam: What did she say?

INTERVIEW

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

Sam and Dean are sitting at a table with KATHY RANDOLPH.

KATHY

No, it must have been a bear.

Produced by

JIM MICHAELS

KATHY

I mean, what else could it have been?

Sam: Mrs. Randolph, what do you think it was?

Written by

Jeremy CARVER

KATHY

No, I, I remember clearly now.

Directed by

CHARLES BEESON

KATHY

It was definitely a bear.

Dean: We're sure it was. But see, it helps us to hear every angle. So just tell us what you thought you saw.

KATHY

It's impossible, but...I could have sworn I saw...the Incredible Hulk.

Sam: The Incredible Hulk.

KATHY

I told you it was crazy.

Dean: Bana or Norton?

KATHY

Oh, no, those movies were terrible. The TV Hulk.

Dean: Lou Ferrigno.

KATHY

Yes.

Dean: Spiky-hair Lou Ferrigno.

KATHY

Yes.

Dean: Huh.

Dean and Sam look at each other.

KATHY

You think I'm crazy.

Dean: No. Uh, no, it's just...is there, uh, would there be any reason that Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk, would have a grudge against your husband?

KATHY

No.

Dean: No.

MOTEL

INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Dean is at his laptop, looking at an article in the Wellington Guardian[i]about a "Local man killed in bear attack". He looks up when Sam comes in.

Sam: Hey.

Dean: Find anything?

Sam: Well, uh, I saw the house.

Dean: And?

Sam: And there is a giant eight-foot-wide hole where the front door used to be. Almost like, uh-

Dean: A Hulk-sized hole.

Sam: Maybe. What do you got?

Dean: Well, it turns out that Bill Randolph had quite the temper. He's got two counts of spousal battery, bar brawls, and court-ordered anger management sessions. You might say you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Sam: So a hothead getting killed by TV's greatest hothead. Kinda sounds like just desserts, doesn't it?

Dean snorts.

Sam: It's all starting to make sense.

Dean: How is it starting to make sense?

Sam: Well, I found something else at the crime scene.

Sam pulls a handful of candy wrappers out of his pocket.

Sam: Candy wrappers.

He drops them.

Sam: Lots of them.

Dean: Just desserts, sweet tooth, screwing with people before you kill 'em-we're dealing with the Trickster, aren't we?

Sam: Sure looks like it.

Dean: Good. I've wanted to gank that mother since Mystery Spot.

Sam: You sure?

Dean: Yeah I'm sure.

Sam: No, I mean are you sure you wanna kill him?

Dean: Son of a bitch didn't think twice about icing me a thousand times.

Sam: No, I know, I mean, I'm just saying-

Dean: What are you saying? If you don't want to kill him, then what?

Sam: Talk to him?

Dean: What?

Sam: Think about it, Dean. He's one of the most powerful creatures we've ever met. Maybe we can use him.

Dean: For what?

Sam: Okay, Trickster's like a Hugh Hefner type, right? Wine, women, song-maybe he doesn't want the party to end. Maybe he hates this angels and demons stuff as much as we do. Maybe he'll help us.

Dean: You're serious.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Ally with the Trickster.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: A bloody, violent monster, and you wanna be Facebook friends with him? Nice, Sammy.

Sam: The world is gonna end, Dean. We don't have the luxury of a moral stand. Look, I'm just saying it's worth a shot. That's all. If it doesn't work, we'll kill him.

Dean sighs.

Dean: How are we gonna find the guy, anyway?

Sam: Well, he never takes just one victim, right? He'll show.

Dean is sharpening a wooden stake and Sam is sitting at the table staring at the police scanner. On the table is a card that says "Day-Z Motel".

SCANNER

Um, Dispatch? I, I got a possible 187 out here at the old paper mill on Route 6?

Sam: Hey.

Dean stops working and focuses on the scanner.

DISPATCH

Roger that. What are you looking at there, son?

SCANNER

Honestly, Walt, I, I wouldn't even know how to describe what I'm seeing. Just-send everybody.

DISPATCH

All right, stay calm, stay by your car. Help's on the way.

Sam turns off the scanner.

Dean: That sounds weird.

Sam: Weird enough to be our guy.

WAREHOUSE

[i]EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Dean and Sam get out of the Impala. No one else is in sight.

Dean: There was a murder here, and there's no police cars. There's nobody. How's that look to you?

Sam: Crappy.

Dean pulls two stakes and two flashlights out of the trunk and hands one of each to Sam. He closes the trunk and they enter the building.

HOSPITAL

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Sam and Dean are both wearing white lab coats. Anya Marina's "Not a Through Street" begins to play. They look around and at each other and themselves.

Dean: What the hell?

A Blonde Doctor and an ASIAN Doctor, Dr. WANG, pass by.

Blonde Doctor

Doctor.

Dr. WANG

Doctor.

Music: I don't remember much of anything

Sam: Doctor?

Music: Of those years

Dean opens the door they just entered through.

Music: Kind of strange and kind of sad

It leads to a janitor's closet where a Man and a Woman are making out.

Music: Considering all the laughs

and all the tears

Dean closes the door, looking freaked.

A BRUNETTE Doctor, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Dr. PICCOLO from Dr. Sexy, MD[i], turns away from the receptionist's desk and approaches Sam and Dean.

BRUNETTE Doctor

Doctor.

She slaps Sam.

Sam: Ow!

BRUNETTE Doctor

Seriously.

Sam: What?

BRUNETTE Doctor

Seriously? You're brilliant, you know that? And a coward. You're a brilliant coward.

Music: Or the cynical moon

Sam: Um. What are you talking about?

Music: Could it be the neighbor's cat

She slaps him again.

BRUNETTE Doctor

As if you don't know!

Music: Watching me from the living room?

She stalks off. Dean gawks after her, looking as if he's seeing a dream come true.

Dean: I don't believe this.

Music: Either way

Sam: What?

Dean: That's Dr. Piccolo.

Sam: Who?

Music: These days I feel so strange

Dean: Dr. Ellen Piccolo.

Music: I remember you

Dean: The sexy yet earnest Doctor at-

Music: So strange

Dean looks at the sign behind the receptionist's desk and gestures at it angrily, reading it aloud.

Dean: Seattle Mercy Hospital.

Music: Do you remember me

Sam: Dean.

Music: Secretly

Sam: What the hell are you talking about?

Dean: The Doctor getups. The, the sexy interns. The 'seriously's. It all makes sense.

Sam: What makes sense? What's going on?

Dean: We're in [i]Dr. Sexy, MD[i].

ACT TWO

[i]Dr. SEXY, MD[i], HOSPITAL CORRIDOR

[i]INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Dean and Sam walk through the hospital corridors.

Dean: Dude, what the hell.

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: No, seriously, what the hell.

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: One theory. Any theory.

Sam: Uh, the Trickster trapped us in TV Land.

Dean: That's your theory. That's stupid.

Sam: You're the one who said we're on Dr. Sexy, MD[i].

Dean: Yeah, but TV land isn't TV Land. I mean, there's actors and, and lights and crew members, you know. This looks real.

Sam: It can't be. Dean, how can this possibly be real?

Dean: I don't know.

Dr. WANG walks past.

Dr. WANG

Doctors.

Dean: There goes Dr. Wang. The sexy but arrogant heart surgeon.

Dean watches her go down the corridor and sees her pass a Man sitting on a gurney.

Dean: And there's Johnny Drake. Oh, he's not even alive, he's a ghost in the mind of-

ANOTHER BRUNETTE Doctor enters, sitting next to JohnNY.

Dean: Of her. The sexy yet neurotic Doctor over there.

Sam: So...this show has ghosts? Why?

Dean: I don't know. It is compelling.

Sam: I thought you said you weren't a fan.

Dean: I'm not. I'm not.

Dean sees something and just stares.

Dean: Oh boy.

Sam: What?

Dean: It's him.

Sam: Who?

Dr. PALMER comes down the corridor.

Dean: It's him, it's Dr. Sexy.

Dr. PALMER stops next to Sam and Dean. He looks at Dean.

Dr. PALMER

Doctor.

Dean looks down, hiding his smile.

Dean: Doctor.

Dr. PALMER addresses Sam.

Dr. PALMER

Doctor.

Sam nods. Dean whacks him.

Sam: Doctor.

Dr. PALMER addresses Dean.

Dr. PALMER

You want to give me one good reason why you defied my direct order to do the experimental face transplant on Mrs. Biehl?

Dean's expression goes from awed through confused. He glances at Sam, then back.

Dean: One reason?

Dr. PALMER nods.

Dean: Sure.

Dean looks down. Dr. PALMER is wearing white tennis shoes. Dean slams him against the wall.

Dean: You're not Dr. Sexy.

Dr. PALMER

You're crazy.

Dean: Really? Because I swore part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Not tennis shoes.

Sam: Yeah. You're not a fan.

Dean: It's a guilty pleasure.

Dr. PALMER

Call security.

Dean: Yeah, go ahead, pal. See, we know who you are.

Dr. WANG, the Blonde Doctor, and a SECURITY Guard are all approaching. They and the other extras freeze-frame. Dean glances around; only he, Sam, and Dr. PALMER are still moving. Dr. PALMER grins and morphs into the TRICKSTER.

TRICKSTER

You guys are getting better!

Dean: Get us the hell out of here.

TRICKSTER

Or what?

The TRICKSTER grabs Dean's arm and twists, hurting him.

TRICKSTER

Don't say you have wooden stakes, big guy.

Sam: That was you on the police scanner, right? This is a trick.

TRICKSTER

Hello? Trickster. Come on! I heard you two yahoos were in town. How could I resist?

Dean: Where the hell are we?

TRICKSTER

Like it? It's all homemade. My own sets-

The TRICKSTER raps on the window in a nearby door, then indicates the frozen extras.

TRICKSTER

My own actors...call it my own little idiot box.

Dean: How do we get out?

TRICKSTER

That, my friend, is the sixty-four-dollar question.

Sam: Whatever. We just, we need to talk to you. We need your help.

TRICKSTER

Hm, let me guess. You two muttonheads broke the world, and you want me to sweep up your mess.

Sam: Please. Just five minutes. Hear us out.

TRICKSTER

Sure. Tell you what. Survive the next twenty-four hours, we'll talk.

Dean: Survive what?

TRICKSTER

The game!

Dean: What game?

TRICKSTER

You're in it.

Dean: How do we play?

TRICKSTER

You're playing it.

Dean: What are the rules?

The TRICKSTER raises his eyebrows, grins, and vanishes in a burst of static. The extras unpause.

Dean: Oh, son of a bitch.

Blonde Doctor

Dr. Sexy? Dr. Sexy?

She walks past. Dean and Sam continue down the corridor after her.

INTERCOM

Paging Dr. Sexy. Report to the ER.

Dean: Oh, by the way. Talking with monsters? Hell of a plan.

Sam: Just, what do we do now?

Dean: You know what I'm doing? Leaving.

Dr. PICCOLO appears and takes another swing at Sam, who ducks.

Sam: Lady, what the hell?

Dr. PICCOLO

You are a brilliant, brilliant-

Sam: Yeah. A coward. You already said that. But I got news for you. I am not a Doctor.

Renee Stahl's "Something Real" begins to play.

Dr. PICCOLO

Don't say that. You are the finest cerebrovascular neurosurgeon I have ever met, and I have met plenty. So that girl died on your table. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. Sometimes people just die.

Sam: I have no idea what you're saying to me.

Dr. PICCOLO

You're afraid. You're afraid to operate again. And you're afraid to love.

Dr. PICCOLO leaves, sobbing.

Music: Can you hear me calling

Sam: Yeah, we're getting out of here.

Man: Hey. Doctor.

Dean stops and turns to him.

Dean: Yeah.

Man: My wife needs that face transplant.

Dean: Okay. You know what, pal? None of this is real, and your wife doesn't need jack squat. Okay?

Dean and Sam keep on going.

Music: Thought I could almost see the other side

Mr. BIEHL

Hey, Doctor.

Mr. BIEHL raises a gun and shoots Dean in the back.

Music: Of something

Dean stares after him, then goes to his knees.

Music: Real

Dean: Real-it's real-

Sam: No no no, no no no no no-hey! We need a Doctor!

Music: Something real

Sam looks around frantically.

[i]Dr. SEXY, MD[i], OPERATING ROOM

[i]INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY

Dean is facedown on an operating table, staring through the headrest at several pairs of white tennis shoes. For inexplicable reasons he is not under anesthesia.

Music: Disappears before you see the signs

Dr. WANG passes an operating instrument to another Doctor.

Sam is dressed in operating scrubs, as is everyone else in the room. Dr. PICCOLO is watching through glass. Sam holds something absorbent against Dean's injury with a pair of tweezers. He hands the tweezers to another Doctor and presses an already bloodstained cloth to the injury.

Music: The end is near

Blonde Doctor

BP is eighty over fifty and dropping.

Dr. WANG

Doctor.

Dr. WANG holds out a scalpel. Sam doesn't take it.

Sam: What?

Dr. WANG and the Blonde Doctor exchange glances.

Music: Disappear before I saw the signs

Dean: Sam. Do something. Come on.

Music: The end is here

Sam leans over and speaks in an undertone.

Sam: I don't know how to use any of this crap.

Dean: Figure it out.

Sam grins awkwardly at the other Doctors but doesn't do anything.

Dean: Sam. Come on. I'm waiting.

Sam: Okay. Um. I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle, and a fifth of whiskey.

Robbi Spencer's "I Love to See You Happy" begins to play.

The other Doctors look at him and each other.

Sam: Stat!

Everyone starts moving.

A view of a mostly-empty bottle of Kentucky Bourbon and a thing of dental floss next to the usual surgical tools. Sam's gloved hands are bloody.

Music: I'm living my life for something worthy

Sam snips off the extra floss from Dean's stitches.

Music: Living for someone other than me

Dean: We okay? How's it looking?

Music: Everything that you mean to me

Sam: Yep. You'll be fine.

Music: I love to see you happy

Sam looks up and catches sight of Dr. PICCOLO, who mouths 'I love you' and sighs, smiling.

Music: You embrace the essence of a soul that must have been sent here straight from heaven, you talk ?, yeah you showed me how to ?

The shoes leave Dean's field of vision. The lighting and texture shift, the music fades, and the light starts to flash in time with clapping. Shouts. The floor has become two doors, which slide apart.

JAPANESE GAME SHOW

INT. JAPANESE GAME SHOW STAGE

Behind the doors is blue-lit smoke. A JAPANESE Man comes out of the doors and forward between TWO JAPANESE WOMEN and Dean and Sam, both of whom are wearing more usual outfits (not what they were wearing at any earlier point in the episode). The JAPANESE Man says something in Japanese.

HOST

Let's play Nutcracker!

The crowd cheers and applauds. A caption in hiragana (or katakana?) appears. Dean looks around: he is standing in shoes glued to a platform that has a slot for a pole with a large ball at the end. Sam is similarly situated. To one side is an LED screen that says "20".

The HOST says something in Japanese and pulls cards out of his jacket. Silence falls.

HOST

Sam Winchester.

The HOST continues to talk in Japanese.

What was the name of the demon

you chose over your own brother?

HOST

Countdown.

Sam: What?

The screen begins to tick down the seconds.

Sam: Uh, what am I supposed to say?

Dean: You think I know?

Sam addresses the HOST.

Sam: Uh, I, I don't, I don't understand Japanese.

The HOST says something in Japanese, presumably repeating the question.

What was the name of the demon

you chose over your own brother?

Sam: Is he screwing with me? I, I, I can't speak Japanese.

The screen hits "0". A buzz. The HOST says something in Japanese.

The answer is...

HOST

Ruby!

Ruby

HOST

I'm sorry, Sam Winchester.

Sam: Sorry? Sir? For what?

The HOST mimes hiding laughter.

Sam: Dean?

The pole on Sam's platform comes up so that the ball whacks Sam in the crotch. Dean is horrified; the crowd cheers.

HOST

Nutcracker!

The scene replays from several angles. The Japanese caption flashes.

HOST

Nutcracker!

Dean: Sam?

Sam makes an inarticulate noise. One of the JAPANESE WOMEN says something in Japanese. The HOST goes over to her. She shows off a bag of chips.

Have we discussed these

nutritious Shrimp Chips?

Lots of nutrition, tastes great...

and the more one eats,

the slimmer they get, just like you.

Dean: You okay?

Sam just looks at him. Dean looks at Sam's platform, then at his own, and cringes.

The JAPANESE Woman is still talking.

Please buy them.

The light on the doors starts flashing again.

Dean: Oh now what?

The doors open to reveal Castiel. The crowd cheers.

Dean: Cas?

Sam: Is this another trick?

Castiel: It's me. Uh, what are you doing here?

Dean: Us? What are you doing here?

Castiel: Looking for you. You've been missing for days.

Sam: So get us the hell out of here, then!

Castiel: Let's go.

He raises his arms to touch both Dean and Sam on the forehead and vanishes in a burst of static.

Dean: Cas?

The HOST comes back to center stage.

HOST

No, no, no, no. Mr. Trickster does not like pretty-boy angels.

The HOST pulls out another card and speaks in Japanese.

HOST

Dean Winchester.

The HOST speaks in Japanese.

Would your Mother and Father

still be alive...

if your brother was never born?

HOST

Countdown.

The screen begins to tick down the seconds from "20".

Dean: What do I do, what do I do?

Sam: What?

Dean: I don't wanna get hit in the nuts.

Sam: I don't know, I, I, uh, just, uh-wait.

Dean: What?

Sam: I played a Doctor.

Dean: What?

Sam: In, uh, in Dr. Sexy[i]I played a Doctor. I operated.

Dean: So?

Sam: So I played the role the Trickster wanted me to play. Maybe we should just go along with it.

Dean: Go along with what?

Sam: With the game! You know, we're on a game show, right? So just answer the question!

Dean: In Japanese?

Sam: Yeah!

Dean: I don't know Japanese!

Sam: Try!

Dean: Dammit!

Dean hits the button. The countdown freezes just before the buzz.

Dean says something in Japanese.

The answer is...

yes?

The HOST repeats the last few syllables and so does Dean. The HOST shouts something in Japanese. Dean braces himself.

HOST

Dean Winchester, Nutcracker champion!

The crowd cheers.

Sam: How did you do that?

Dean: I have no idea.

Sam: So that's it. We play our roles, we survive.

Dean: Yeah, but play our roles for how long?

Sam: Good question.

Dean forces a grin and waves.

COMMERCIAL

[i]EXT. LAKE - DAY

A Woman does a yoga pose.

Woman: I've got genital herpes.

INT. HOUSE - DAY

An Old Man sits on a couch.

Old Man: I've got genital herpes.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Four MEN are playing basketball. One makes a basket. This one turns around; it's Sam, looking very uncomfortable.

Sam: Seriously?

Dean: Hey, you're the one who said play our roles.

Sam: Yeah. Right.

Dean claps him on the shoulder and goes back to the game.

Sam: I've got genital herpes.

EXT. LAKE - DAY

The Woman sits in another yoga pose.

Woman: I try to be responsible.

INT. HOUSE - DAY

The Old Man looks over at ANOTHER Woman.

Old Man: Did I try.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Sam: But now I take twice-daily Herpexia to reduce my chances of passing it on.

EXT. LAKE - DAY

Woman: Ask your Doctor about using Herpexia.

INT. HOUSE - DAY[i]and [i]EXT. LAKE - DAY[i], alternating

The Old Man and the OTHER Woman are slow-dancing. The Woman does other yoga poses.

Dean (V.O): Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.

[i]EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Sam: I am doing all I can to slightly lessen the spread of-of genital herpes. And that's a good thing.

Sam goes back to the game. The Herpexia logo appears.

ACT THREE

SITCOM

EXT. SUN 'N SANDS MOTEL - DAY

Dean (V.O): We now return to Supernatural[i].

[i]INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Dean: Son of a bitch!

Laugh track. Applause. Sam goes over to the BIKINI Woman, glaring over his shoulder at Dean.

Sam: Uh, I am really, really, very sorry, but, uh, we've got some work to do.

Sam escorts the Woman to the door.

Woman: But we did do work! In depth.

Laugh track. Dean waves at her as she leaves. Sam shuts the door and shakes his head. Dean speaks through a forced smile.

Dean: How long do we have to keep doing this?

Sam: I don't know.

Applause.

Sam: Maybe forever?

Laugh track.

Sam: We might die in here.

Laugh track.

Dean: How was that funny? Vultures.

Laugh track. The door opens; it's Castiel, with minor injuries. Applause.

Dean: You okay?

Castiel: I don't have much time.

Sam: What happened?

Castiel: I got out.

Dean: From where?

Castiel: Listen to me. Something is not right. This thing is much more powerful than it should be.

Dean: What thing-the Trickster?

Castiel: If it is a trickster.

Sam: What do you mean?

Castiel is flung backwards into the wall, his face hidden. The TRICKSTER appears at the door.

TRICKSTER

Hello!

Applause and cheers. Castiel gets up; his mouth has been duct-taped shut.

TRICKSTER

Thank you. Thank you, ladies.

Castiel glares at the TRICKSTER.

TRICKSTER

Hi, Castiel!

The TRICKSTER gestures at Castiel, who vanishes in a burst of static.

Sam: You know him?

Dean: Where did you just send him?

TRICKSTER

Relax, he'll live. ...Maybe.

Laugh track.

Dean: All right, you know what? I am done with the monkey dance, okay? We get it.

TRICKSTER

Yeah? Get what, hotshot?

Dean: Playing our roles, right? That's your game?

TRICKSTER

That's half the game.

Sam: What's the other half?

TRICKSTER

Play your roles out there.

Dean: What's that supposed to mean?

TRICKSTER

Oh, you know. Sam starring as Lucifer. Dean starring as Michael. Your celebrity death match. Play your roles.

Sam: You want us to say yes to those sons of bitches?

TRICKSTER

Hells yeah. Let's light this candle!

Sam: We do that, the world will end.

TRICKSTER

Yeah? And whose fault is that? Who popped Lucifer out of the box? Hm? Look, it's started. You started it. It can't be stopped. So let's get it over with!

Sam glares.

Dean: Heaven or hell, which side you on?

TRICKSTER

I'm not on either side.

Dean: Yeah, right. You're grabbing ankle for Michael or Lucifer. Which one is it?

TRICKSTER

You listen to me, you arrogant dick. I don't work for either of those S.O.B.s. Believe me.

Dean: Oh, you're somebody's bitch.

The TRICKSTER's smile vanishes. He grabs Dean by the collar and slams him into the wall.

TRICKSTER

Don't you ever, ever presume to know what I am. Now listen very closely. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up, accept your responsibilities, and play the roles that destiny has chosen for you.

Sam: And if we don't?

The TRICKSTER grins.

TRICKSTER

Then you'll stay here in TV Land. Forever. Three hundred channels and, uh, nothing's on.

The TRICKSTER snaps his fingers.

CSI MIAMI[i]

[i]EXT. PARK - NIGHT

A Man lies on the ground with a stomach wound. Crime-scene markers surround him and cameras flash. Dean and Sam are standing outside the crime-scene tape, watching the various extras work. They turn around; they're wearing suits with matching blue shirts and sunglasses.

Dean: Oh, come on.

A Police Officer ducks under the crime scene tape.

Officer: So, what do you think?

Dean: What do I think? I think go screw yourself, that's what I think.

Sam: Uh, could you give us a sec, please? Thanks.

The Officer nods and turns away.

Sam: You gotta calm down.

Dean: Calm down? I am wearing sunglasses at night.

Dean yanks them off.

Dean: You know who does that? No-talent douchebags.

Sam nods in agreement.

Dean: I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show and you wanna know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There's like three hundred of them on television and they're all the freaking Same. It's ooh, plane crashed here-oh shut up.

Sam notices something at the crime scene and takes off his sunglasses.

Sam: Hey.

Dean: What?

Sam: Check out sweet tooth over there.

The Officer is sucking a lollipop.

Dean: Think that's him?

Music reminiscent of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" begins to play.

Sam: Just, um, follow my lead.

Sam goes over to the body and Dean follows. They both put on their sunglasses as the crime-scene tape is raised to let them under.

Officer: You, uh, you okay?

Dean: Yeah. What do we got?

The Officer kneels next to the body.

Officer: Well, aside from the ligature marks around his neck, he has what appears to be a roll of quarters jammed down his throat.

Dean takes off his sunglasses, gets out a flashlight, and takes a closer look. Sam also takes off his sunglasses.

Sam: Well I say, jackpot.

The Officer looks up, snorting in amusement. Sam puts his sunglasses back on.

Officer: Also, there is a stab wound to the lower abdomen.

The Officer indicates the bloodstain with his lollipop. Dean grabs a stick and pokes at the hole in the shirt with it, getting blood on the stick, then puts his sunglasses back on.

Dean: Well I say, no guts, no glory.

The Officer laughs. Sam puts his sunglasses back on.

Sam: Get that guy a Tums.

Dean: Gutter ball.

The Officer keeps laughing.

Officer: Good one, guys.

Dean comes around behind him with the stick. The Officer turns toward Dean, who stabs him with it. Internal view of the stake piercing a beating heart. The Officer collapses, struggling to breathe. None of the extras notice or care except ANOTHER Officer, who starts laughing and morphs into the TRICKSTER.

TRICKSTER

You've got the wrong guy, idiots.

Dean: Did we?

Sam stakes the TRICKSTER from behind. He falls over. A burst of static.

WAREHOUSE

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

The TRICKSTER is still down with the stake through him. Dean and Sam are back in the clothes they were wearing when they entered the warehouse.

ACT FOUR

MOTEL

EXT. DAY-Z MOTEL - DAY

INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Dean finishes brushing his teeth and spits.

Dean: I'm worried, man. What that SOB did to Cas. You know, where is he?

No response.

Dean: Sam?

The room is empty.

Dean: Where are you?

KNIGHT RIDER[i], MOTEL PARKING LOT

[i]EXT. DAY-Z MOTEL - DAY

Dean heads for the Impala, his phone to his ear.

Sam on phone

It's Sam. Leave me a message.

Dean gets in the car.

Dean: Sam. It's me. Where the hell did you go?

Dean snaps the phone shut.

Sam: Dean?

Sam's voice sounds odd. Dean looks around. Sam isn't in the car.

Dean: Sam? Where are you?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean notices a red light on the dashboard. It flashes in time with Sam's words.

Sam: Oh crap. I don't think we killed the Trickster.

KNIGHT RIDER[i], ROAD

[i]EXT. ROAD - DAY

The Knight Rider[i]theme plays. The Impala has acquired red flashing lights under the front grille as well. Dean drives.

Dean: Okay, stake didn't work. So, what, this is another trick?

Sam: I don't know. Maybe the stake didn't work because it's not a trickster?

Dean: What do you mean?

Sam: You heard Cas. He said this thing was too powerful to be a trickster.

Dean: And did you notice the way he looked at Cas? Almost like he knew him.

Sam: And how pissed he got when you brought up Michael and Lucifer.

Dean: Son of a bitch.

Sam: What?

Dean: I think I know what we're dealing with.

[i]KNIGHT RIDER[i], PARK

[i]EXT. CENTENNIAL POINT WILDERNESS AREA - DAY

Dean rummages in the trunk of the car.

Sam: Dean?

Dean: What?

Sam: That, uh, feels really uncomfortable.

Dean shuts the trunk.

Sam: Ow. You sure this is gonna work?

Dean: No, but I have no other ideas.

Dean goes to the front of the car and shouts at the sky.

Dean: All right, you son of a bitch! Uncle! We'll do it!

Sam: Should I honk?

TRICKSTER, appearing from nowhere

Wow. Sam. Get a load of the rims on you.

Sam: Eat me.

TRICKSTER

Okay, boys. Ready to go quietly?

Dean: Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast. Nobody's going anywhere until Sam has opposable thumbs.

TRICKSTER

What's the difference? Satan's going to ride his ass one way or another.

Dean looks at him. The TRICKSTER rolls his eyes and snaps his fingers. The KITT lights on the car go out and Sam gets out of the car.

TRICKSTER

Happy?

Dean: Tell me one thing. Why didn't the stake kill you?

TRICKSTER

I am the Trickster.

Dean: Or maybe you're not.

Sam holds up a flaming cigarette lighter and tosses it down. A ring of fire springs up around the TRICKSTER.

Dean: Maybe you've always been an angel.

The TRICKSTER looks incredulous, then laughs.

TRICKSTER

A what? Somebody slip a mickey in your power shake, kid?

Dean: I'll tell you what. You just jump out of the holy fire and we'll call it our mistake.

The TRICKSTER laughs, then stops laughing: he's caught. A burst of static.

REALITY, WAREHOUSE

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

The TRICKSTER claps.

TRICKSTER

Well played, boys. Well played. Where'd you get the holy oil?

Dean: Well, you might say we pulled it out of Sam's ass.

TRICKSTER

Where'd I screw up?

Sam: You didn't. Nobody gets the jump on Cas like you did.

Dean: Mostly it was the way you talked about Armageddon.

TRICKSTER

Meaning?

Dean: Well, call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they're talking about their own family.

Sam: So which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy, or Douchey?

TRICKSTER

Gabriel, okay? They call me Gabriel.

Sam: Gabriel? The archangel?

GABRIEL

Guilty.

Dean: Okay, Gabriel. How does an archangel become a trickster?

GABRIEL

My own private witness protection. I skipped out of heaven, had a face transplant, carved out my own little corner of the world. Till you two screwed it all up.

Dean: What did Daddy say when you ran off and joined the pagans?

GABRIEL

Daddy doesn't say anything about anything.

Sam: Then what happened? Why'd you ditch?

Dean: Do you blame him? I mean, his brothers are heavyweight douchenozzles.

GABRIEL

Shut your cakehole. You don't know anything about my family. I love my father, my brothers. Love them. But watching them turn on each other? Tear at each other's throats? I couldn't bear it! Okay? So I left. And now it's happening all over again.

Sam: Then help us stop it.

GABRIEL

It can't be stopped.

Dean: You wanna see the end of the world?

GABRIEL

I want it to be over! I have to sit back and watch my own brothers kill each other thanks to you two! Heaven, hell, I don't care who wins, I just want it to be over.

Sam: It doesn't have to be like that. There has to be some way to, to pull the plug.

GABRIEL laughs.

GABRIEL

You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate.

Sam: What are you talking about?

GABRIEL

You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other.

Dean: What the hell are you saying?

GABRIEL

Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.

A long pause. Sam and Dean look down, then at each other.

Dean: No. That's not gonna happen.

GABRIEL

I'm sorry. But it is.

GABRIEL sighs.

GABRIEL

Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be.

EPILOGUE

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

GABRIEL

So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?

Dean: Well, first of all, you're gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.

GABRIEL

Oh am I.

Dean: Yeah. Or we're going to dunk you in some holy oil and deep-fry ourselves an archangel.

GABRIEL snaps his fingers. Castiel appears.

Dean: Cas, you okay?

Castiel: I'm fine. Hello, Gabriel.

GABRIEL

Hey, bro. How's the search for Daddy going? Let me guess. Awful.

Castiel glares.

Dean: Okay, we're out of here. Come on, Sam.

Dean turns and walks away.

GABRIEL

Uh. Okay. Guys?

Sam follows Dean.

GABRIEL

So, so what? Huh?

Castiel follows Dean.

GABRIEL

You're just gonna, you're gonna leave me here forever?

Dean stops at the door and turns back.

Dean: No. We're not, 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.

Dean pulls the fire alarm. GABRIEL looks up; the sprinklers go off.

Dean: Don't say I never did anything for you.

GABRIEL glares. Dean leaves, Sam right behind. Castiel looks back for a moment and follows. The fire goes out; apparently in this world water extinguishes grease fires instead of spreading them.

EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

The Impala is exactly where Dean and Sam left it. Dean and Sam go up to it. Castiel hangs back.

Dean: All that stuff he was spouting in there, you think it was the truth?

Sam: I think he believes it.

Dean: So what do we do?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: Well I'll tell you one thing. Right about now I wish I was back in a TV show.

Sam: Yeah, me too.

Sam and Dean get in the car.