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  5x01 - Frankie
 Posted: 02/07/14 11:13
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Franky's bedroom.

FRANKY: Hey, what are you looking at? Come here.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: All set, tiger? That's the last of the boxes.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Serrano and Reblochon sandwich, just in case the cafeteria isn't... Now, where's that smile?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: You off, Franky? Franky?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: New start, remember? Just try to blend in.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: And don't take any crap this time.

FRANKY: Bye, Dads.

In the street.

BOY 1: What the fuck is that? Is that a batty or a lezzer?

BOY 2: Let's check it out!

BOY 1: We're BS5, get me?


BOY 1: Yo. You deaf? Yeah, get it, bitch. Oh, my days!

BOY 2: You got dropped by a batty lezzer!

BOY 1: Shut the fuck up! Come on, boys. Let's get 'er.

BOY 2: Get him!

BOY 1: She went up here. There. Stop her.

FRANKY: Shit, shit, shit.

BOY 1: You're so iced.

FRANKY: Screw you!

BOY 1: Get her! Oi!

BOY 2: Ouch. Ouch.

BOY 1: Batty's getting away.

Front of the school.

FRANKY: Out of my way! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Get out of my way! Move! Move, move!

NICK: You OK, babe?

TEENAGER 1: What the fuck happened to my bike?

TEENAGER 2: Mangled to shit, mate.

FRANKY: Sorry. I'm really, really sorry. The, er... The brakes were fucked.


MINI: Has the circus come to town or what?

At school.

DOUG: Uh, uh. In you go.

FRANKY: I'm, uh, I'm Franky. Er, Fitzgerald? It's my first day.

DOUG: F... F...Fitz. Oh! The last-minute transfer. Francesca? Your first period is Sports Foundation, so...

FRANKY: What? But, I haven't got kit...

DOUG: Franky, my dear, I don't give a damn! And I've got just the thing, my own contribution...

In the cloakroom.

MINI: Er, excuse me. I was just wondering, are you, like, in fancy dress, or is that look an actual, like, choice?


MINI: Oh, my God, what the hell are those? Problem? Earth to Oddness, what are you staring at?

FRANKY: Fucking hell.

MINI: See you on the field, stud. Try not to run me over next time. See ya.


On the sports ground.

GIRL 1: Move! You muppet.

MINI: Pussy. Coming through, bitch!

MINI: Ahh! Take that! Nobody does that to me, OK?!

SPORT TEACHER: Oi, oi, oi! Hey! Shake hands and heal, ladies. Come on, shake. Nothing to see, girls. Play on.

MINI: Better watch your fucking back, or you're dead meat... bruv.

In the canteen.

RICH: Scooter Girl! Now we're even Steven.

ALO: Hey, short stuff, what's up?

FRANKY: Nothing, just some nightmare girl.

RICH: So who is this chick that brings on the sweats?

FRANKY: Think her name's Mini.

BOYS: She's fucked.


ALO: Meet Anita. Mini's last slay. She wore the same outfit on first day of college. Not pretty.

RICH: If Roundview was a medieval village, I'd strap that witch to a ducking stool.

ALO: Save us your Middle Ages wet dream, Rich!

RICH: She's probably got gills under her armpits.

MINI: Ahem!

ALO: Ladies! How's it hanging?

MINI: Cowshit and Bullshit. Fuck off, now. Those dicks are death. Avoid. Haven't seen you around Bristol. How come you started so late?

FRANKY: I 've like... moved here.

LIV: From where?

FRANKY: Oxford.

MINI: Understandable, but why?

FRANKY: If you're gonna start shit, can you just get it over with now, because I had enough grief before...

MINI: Start shit?

LIV: What grief?

GRACE: Before, like, Oxford, or past-life before? I had a dream two Sundays ago that I was a slave, on a plantation in Jamaica...

GIRLS: Shut up, Grace.

MINI: No hard feelings. Again. I'm Mini.

LIV: Liv.

GRACE: Grace. Hello!

FRANKY: Franky.

MINI: You know, you are pretty fucking...

GRACE: Badass.

MINI: Yes, you are. So, Franky Badass... fancy hanging out later?

FRANKY: No. Er, I mean, no thanks.

MINI: Are you say not cheap thing ?

FRANKY: No, I'm sure it smells lovely.

MINI: Not alternative enough for you?

FRANKY: I... I just... I got to, um... I've got go home after college.

GRACE: See you later!

MINI: Don't be gay, Gracey.

LIV: What was that about?

FRANKY: New start, yeah? New start.

LITERATURE TEACHER: Ah, newbie. School's out.

FRANKY: I, uh, had a stomach ache.

LITERATURE TEACHER: Oh, you got proof? Stool photos, shit like that?

FRANKY: Er, no.

LITERATURE TEACHER: Copy what's on the board. Present tomorrow. You're first.

In the street.

FRANKY: All right?

GRACE: Oh, great!

LIV: It's not brutal, Mini. It'd be rude not to. Franky ?

FRANKY: Nice one.

MINI: Welcome to our world!

GRACE: Come on, Franky.

GRACE: Peek-a-boo, Mini-moo!

LIV: Franky's seriously got the funk.

MINI: So, Franky, I'm having a party tomorrow night and er, was to come?

FRANKY: That'd be... yeah, that'd be cool!

MINI: Excellent. Oh, but what are you going to wear? Cos we need, well, the situation sorted out first. No offence!

In a make-up shop.

MINI: Oh, my gosh. You've never worn make-up before, have you?


LIV: What about with your girls in Oxford?

FRANKY: I didn't have none.

MINI: No friends?

FRANKY: No, I had a mate, a best mate, Dean, but he went young offenders.

GRACE: That is so fucking cool!

MINI: I won't bite.

LIV: Look it's just to try. OK? Some eyeshadow won't hurt.

MINI: Ah, beautiful.

LIV: You've totally got, like, "fuck me" eyes, girl. Totally "fuck me sideways" eyes.

MINI: When you've finished licking her out... We've got outfits to sort!

MINI: This will be perfect for you, Franks!

FRANKY: I look like a fucking twat.

MINI: What, like me, you mean?

FRANKY: No, no, it's just...

LIV: You look...

GRACE: Like a punky butterfly!

MINI: So, it's a sort of that.

FRANKY: What is?

MINI: What you're wearing to my party, butterfly. Minus the wife-beater and, um, shorts, naturally.

FRANKY: Fucking hell.

MINI: Hurry up !

LIV: Knock yourself out. Got the eye make-up for you - enjoy.

GRACE: Peg it!

LIV: That was so sick, Franky!

GRACE: You OK, Mins?

MINI: Fine. I mean, apart from securing a Crimewatch spot with thieves, abso-fucking-lutely!

FRANKY: I'm kind of near here, so I'll see you guys.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Franky?

LIV: Is that your dad?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Franky?

GRACE: And who's that with him?

FRANKY: My other dad. I'm, er... I'm adopted.

GRACE: Oh! Like Annie. I totally love her.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: I can't stand the bitch. Are they, er, troubling you?

FRANKY: No, I'm fine.

MINI: We're Franky's new friends!

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Friends?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Friends?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Girl...

FRANKY'S DAD 2: ..friends?

Franky's house.

MINI: Was Franky, like, bridesmaid?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Oh, no, we've only been blessed with her for two years.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Ta-daah!

FRANKY'S DAD 1: My man's a Chef de Partie.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Franky? Anyone else?

LIV: Mmm, this is sex!

MINI: So you actually made it, Jeff?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: At four this fucking morning.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: I couldn't sleep. Franky's first day.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Should have phoned after college. Had us worried sick.

MINI: Sorry. Totally my fault. Franks was trying stuff to wear to my party.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Party? That's fucking brill! Franky's going to a party, Geoff. What did you try on, darling?

MINI: We got her make-up, necklace and this. She looked oh-my-God amazing. You so have to wear it.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Franky?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Er, sorry. She's still a bit fragile.

MINI: That, erm, grief in Oxford, right?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: You... you know about that?

MINI: Yeah, Franks told us everything. Really tough, huh?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Yeah, it was. Sorry, I need to check on dinner. I'll be back in two shakes.

MINI: They got married in an army uniform. Twisted or what?

GRACE: Mini, that's naughty!

MINI: What the fuck?

LIV: Oh, my God, she's been fraped!

GRACE: Come on, Mini, this isn't fair!

MINI: Yeah, but look at that one!

FRANKY'S DAD 1: We do not lock doors in this family.

FRANKY: It's the toilet.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Well, I haven't heard any lavatorial what-have-yous whatsoever, clever clogs. Chin up. Your mates await!

FRANKY'S DAD 2: What the hell are you doing looking at those?

MINI: It just came on when Grace brushed past it. We're really, really sorry. We're friends.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: This is not fair. She had a really shit time at the last school.

MINI: We were just looking.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: I don't care, this was a real...

FRANKY: What the fuck?! I can't believe you looked at them! Please don't say anything. Please, promise. Promise me!

LIV: Yeah, Franky, we promise.

GRACE: Yes, Franky, of course.

MINI: Cross our hearts.


FRANKY: Dicksplash!

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Geoff, did you hear that? She just called her dad "dicksplash".

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Franky, only I can call Geoff that.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Great, gold star for discipline.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: I was aiming for levity. You need to start trusting. No person is an island. You're going to have to make an effort this time.

FRANKY: Fuck off.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: Freeze. You are not ducking brekkie again.

FRANKY: Trick or treat?

FRANKY'S DAD 1: Oh, bloody Nora.

FRANKY: Don't take the piss, all right.

FRANKY'S DAD 2: You've just been a bit over-zealous, that's all. Here, let me. When I was your age, I bough myself a Sergio Tacchini tracksuit and a sovereign ring for every finger.

FRANKY: You wore sovereigns?

FRANKY'S DAD 2: I even had a Playboy one. I didn't get any more shit off the estate after that, but I developed so much testosterone, I didn't know what to do. So I joined the TA.

FRANKY'S DAD 1: And when our eyes met across the assault course, he just couldn't deny me.

At school.

LIV: Fuck me, Franky.

GRACE: Pretty please with sugar on top. Adoring the new you.

LIV: Yeah, it's well original, Franks.

MINI: What's it called. Lidl La Roux?

GRACE: Mini...

MINI: I'm sorry, but you can't come to my soiree like that.


MINI: Cos... Cos I mean, it looks like she's been gang-raped by clowns! What about that gorge dress I got you?

FRANKY: I don't think it's...

MINI: Soz, don't speak mumble. What?

FRANKY: It isn't right.

MINI: Why not? Come on, why not?

FRANKY: Do I look like a bulimic fucking Barbie? Shit. I'm sorry.

MINI: Fine. It's fine. See you guys in class. Nick.

In classroom.

LITERATURE TEACHER: And it was my cell-mate, Peter, who taught me to read and it really helped block out the flashbacks from that... gruesome night. Who's this?

ALO: Your mum?

LITERATURE TEACHER: No. This is my mum, sandwiched between Dickens and Nabokov. This is the original punk - Charlotte fucking Bronte! This is my ID. Do you get me? Yeah? Good. Now, I asked you to prepare and discuss to the class whether choice truly shapes us. Thank you, Richard, please resume picking your hole. Oi. Fresh meat. You're up.

LITERATURE TEACHER: No. Fuck is good. Fuck is poetic expression for the unsayable soul. Carry on.

FRANKY: Right. Yeah. So, um... Fucking. Erm... Yeah. Basically if... If you can, like, choose your identity cos... I tried today and now I feel, kind of, less like me and I mean I'm not exactly over the moon about being me in the first place, but now... Now I think... I kind of like it less than trying not to be me. Um, cos I just want to, like, just be.

GRACE: Yes, we can!

LITERATURE TEACHER: Well done, Fitzgerald, you just took a big dump on the grave of Jean-Paul Sartre.

NICK: Sorry, Sir. Rugger practice, like, over-ran and shit.

LITERATURE TEACHER: Your turn to pick up the soap, was it?

NICK: We use shower gel in the free world, Sir.

LITERATURE TEACHER: Sit the fuck down, meatheads. Next up...

FRANKY: What's the big joke?

ALO: You... Franks.

MINI: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. I thought something like this might happen. That's why I tried to help.

FRANKY: You promised.

LIV: Oh, Franks...

GRACE: Franky...

MINI: Looks like someone won't be coming to my party. Shame. What?

FRANKY: Fuck you! Fuck you all!

FRANKY: Fuck you, you bitches! Fuck! You! Go! Go away, please! I said, "go away"!

MATTY: Is it real?

FRANKY: Do you want to find out? It's a re-drilled replica. It shoots bullets, OK?

MATTY: Bullets for bitches?


MATTY: Is this how you have fun?

FRANKY: Can you just leave me alone? Go on, then. I don't have to take this shit any more.

MATTY: No, you don't. Bang. You're beautiful.

FRANKY: No. No, I'm not. I'm... I'm a no-good shit magnet. I'm... I'm nothing.

MATTY: So why do I see a...glorious fucking head-fucked thing?

FRANKY: Who are you? Don't...

MATTY: See you around. Remember to aim straight for the heart next time.

Franky's bedroom.

GRACE: This is amazing! Is it like Wallace & Gromit?

FRANKY: After the apocalypse. How did you get in?

GRACE: Your dad let me. The old one. He's lovely.

FRANKY:'ve come to take the piss some more?

GRACE: No, Franky. I came to say sorry.

FRANKY: Sorry ? For fucking my life up? Again?

GRACE: That wasn't me, it was Nick. Mini's boyfriend?

FRANKY: Doing her dirty work.

GRACE: She's really sorry, Franky.

FRANKY: Bollocks.

GRACE: She is. I know she is. Deep down. She just... doesn't know it yet. We really like you, Franky. Me, Liv and um...

FRANKY: Have a great party.

GRACE: I'm sorry you won't be going, Franky.

FRANKY: Yeah. So am I. What do you think? Yeah. Me too. Let's go. Now. Now.

In the street.

ALO: We don't have an invite, dude.

RICH: Fuck it, just be cool! Evening, me lovely.

WOMAN: Don't think so, boys.

ALO: She's only a little chicken.

RICH: Rush on three. One, two...

WOMAN: Don't fuck, lads.

BOYS: All right! All right!

ALO: Cor, you look sharp, Franks! I could go gay for you, I reck.

RICH: She's a girl, you dick.

ALO: You all right, little 'un? Franky!

RICH: Come on. Fancy a spliff?

FRANKY: Thanks.

WOMAN: You'll look like a nun at a brothel in there.

At the party.


MINI: Franky, what the hell are you doing here?

FRANKY: I came because you, uh, you invited me.

MINI: Well, now I'm uh-uh-un-inviting you, Cinder-fella, so...leave.

FRANKY: I don't No, I'm staying. I'm...I'm not going anywhere.

MINI: F-R-E-A-K. Now what does that spell? Let me see, oh, yeah, you. No wonder the girls at your old school went ape shit on your arse. I mean, just, just look at you, standing there like some...

FRANKY: Cuntless dyke-alike no-breed stutter-fucker spako lamo shit-headed wanker magnet Oliver Twist-ed thimble-titted loser-loner fugly bastard? I think you're great. A billion miles better than this, this bollocks place. And I really feel...that, that we could be mates... fucking awesome mates.

MINI: They're not your mates. They're my mates. We only let you tag along with us for jokes.

FRANKY: That's not true. Is it, Grace? That's not true.

MINI: Speak up, Gracey.

GRACE: Mini, please.

FRANKY: We had laughs, Liv, didn't we?

MINI: Must've been tripping, Frankenstein. Now get the fuck out of my party. That bad-mouthed lesbo's like shit on my fucking stiletto.

LIV: Seriously, Mins, this isn't Year 11 any more.

MINI: Where the fuck is Grace?

ALO: I take it madam had a delightful eventide. Shit.

GRACE: Franky! Come back!

FRANKY: Oi! What the fuck? Get off me! Stop! Agh, what are you doing?! Can you fucking put me down already? This isn't funny. Fucking hell, Rich, I'm gonna be sick.

At the swimming pool.

ALO: Right. Are we ready, yeah?

FRANKY: What the fuck?

GRACE: Welcome to Bristol, Franky. This is my favourite place.

FRANKY: Cheers. You fuckers!

RICH: Come on, come on!

GRACE: Come on, Franky, get in now!

FRANKY: I'm freezing...

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