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  3x08 - Effy
 Posted: 02/07/14 11:04
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COOK: Oh, fuck! Jack-a-fucking-NORY! Smashing.

EFFY: Wow. See you later, yeah?

FREDDIE: 'Hi, you're through to Freddie's Dyslexia helpline. 'Please leave a massage.'

ANTHEA: Jamie Oliver. Bastard. Stephen Fry. Bastard. Nelson Mandela. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. Oh, big, fat, ugly Irish bastard!

EFFY: What are you doing?

ANTHEA: Oh, I'm just looking at pictures of men, saying which ones are bastards.

EFFY: Nice... Cook's gone.

ANTHEA: Mm-hm.

EFFY: We broke up.

ANTHEA: Yeah. Never mind, sweetheart.



EFFY: It's just gonna make it really hard raising our baby.

ANTHEA: Yeah. Bastard.

FREDDIE: Karen, I told you...

KATIE: Hi, Effy. Babe, not being funny, but you look like microwaved shit. What's up?

FREDDIE: Nothing.

KATIE: Oh, my God, it's really good you're here, actually. You can drive, right?

EFFY: Yeah. Why?

KATIE: Cos... Me and Freddie are having a party tonight, in the woods... What's it called again, honey?

FREDDIE: Gobblers End.

KATIE: That's right. You should come!

FREDIDE: I was gonna borrow my dad's car, but now he has to... take Karen to an audition.

KATIE: We're always doing that!

EFFY: Maybe. I have to ask my mum if I can borrow the car.

KATIE: Cool. Can we ask you something, though? Me and Freddie want this to be like, a quiet thing, not some kind of... what did I call it before?

FREDDIE: Pikey hoe-down.

KATIE: Thanks, babe.


KATIE: So Cook's not invited. Cos we don't like him.

EFFY: Like I said. I have to ask my mum.

KATIE: OK. Well, you just have a little think about it and let us know, yeah? I'm going to have a shower. You coming, juicy?

FREDDIE: Yeah. In a minute, hon. Yeah. You should come.

EFFY: You want me to come?

FREDDIE: Why are you here?

EFFY: Came to tell you something.


EFFY: Your shed's changed.

FREDDIE: Effy...

EFFY: I'll see you later, yeah?

FREDDIE: Effy...

COOK: Alright Anth, take me to your kitchen! Your daughter's in for a fucking treat. Four courses, real fancy shit. Pesto. Salmon. Salad.

ANTHEA: Love, she's gone.

COOK: OK. What time's she back?

ANTHEA: Oh, not till tomorrow. They've gone to some party at Gobblers End.

COOK: Nah... Nah. Nah, cos we're supposed to hang out tonight.

ANTHEA: Was that before you broke up or after?

COOK: I bought a fucking gateau. Black Forest...

ANTHEA: Oh. My favourite. Cheers.

PANDORA: Can't talk now, Mum. Later. Later, OK? Bye.

You sure this is the right way?

That's what the map says!

Oh, my God!

No we haven't...

Yes, we have!

Well, whatever!

Where do we go now?

Right. Yes. Turn right.

You're not indicating.

No, that's left!

Turn right and go straight on...

I'm sure it's left, right, Fred?

What are we doing?

This isn't the right way, I told you!

Stupid piece of crap.

We're just gonna have to ask someone for directions.


KATIE: Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? For fuck's sake!

NICE: Excuse me, gentlemen, could you tell me how to get to Gobblers End, please?

MAN: Well, I wouldn't start from here, love. No, I reckon I could show you.

EFFY: Great. All right. Listen to the nice man, Freddie. Come on.

MAN: Right. Gobblers Knob... Gobblers End, you call it... See the roundabout? Well, go back there...

KATIE: Anybody here? Hello, hello...

MAN: Second on the right. You got that?

FREDDIE: Yeah, thanks.

MAN 2: Hey. You kids want to see something before you go? Are you leaving something for me, lovely?

KATIE: Let me out, please.

MAN 2: Cos I've got something for you.

KATIE: Get out of the way!

MAN 2: Little tradition of ours.

FREDDIE: Hang on, mate, do you really think...

MAN 2: Shut up, kid. Come on, sweetheart, you know you want it.

KATIE: Get off! Get off of me! Freddie! Freddie, help!

MAN 2: You made me miss. Sorry, but... I've never...missed...before.

FREDDIE: All right! That's it, that's enough, leave her alone! Go.

MAN: "Beware the moon"

Whatever. Freak!

Fucking hell!

Did you fucking see the size of that gun?

OK, let's get out of here.

Did you see the size of the knife?

Katie, what happened?

KATIE: Fucking hell. He just started shouting at me. I didn't even do anything.

EFFY: Panda? Panda? Thomas, is she OK?

Um, Eff?

KATIE: It's them. It's them. Freds... Freds...

Oh, my god... Shit!

Calm down, calm down.

Just stay calm. It's probably nothing. Just chill out.

Roll that down. Roll the fucking window down.

What are they doing? Eff...

Pull the car over.

Stop the car.

Stop the car now!

Effy, stop the car!



Are they gone? Christ...

I think we should go home.

FREDDIE: They're gone now. We're safe. As long as we, "Beware the moon". Obviously.

KATIE: Why are you laughing? It's not fucking funny!

FREDDIE: All right, babes. Chill out.

Sorry. I was...

Come on. Not far now.

It's so heavy.

OK. This way, right, Freds?


FREDDIE: You'll like it here, mate.

JJ: It's all right.

FREDDIE: So what's the deal with Thomas?

JJ: I don't know! Cook, like, had carnal relations with Pandora!

FREDDIE: Don't call it that.

JJ: His girlfriend's a no-good hussy and he's acting like everything's fine! It's messing with my head!

FREDDIE: How you doing, mate? Wasn't expecting to see you tonight. I mean it's great you're here. Just thought. After what Cook said at your gig.

THOMAS: I would like that we keep that between us for now, yes?

FREDDIE: Yeah. Yeah, course. Whatever you say.

KATIE: Freddie! Is this the right way?

FREDDIE: That's right, sweetheart.

EFFY: Panda. Are you all right?

PANDORA: Yeah! Fine! I mean, relationships just can't stay the same, can they? Can't always be lovely and lush and not full of weird silences all the time. People can't always be perfect cos that's not real, is it? It's not real cos things change. Don't they?

EFFY: Yeah. They do. But you can tell me. If something's up, I can help you.

PANDORA: Everything's great. I love Thomas, he loves me, everything's just, tickety-flippin-boo!

EFFY: OK, if you say so. Look what I found. Shroooms.

PANDORA: Are they funny ones?

KATIE: What are you doing?

EFFY: Found some shrooms. Want some?

KATIE: No! How d'you know they're not poisonous? I don't want you ruining my party by, like, vomming blood! And this isn't supposed to be that kind of party, Eff. It's just drinks and sausages. No mushrooms.

FREDDIE: Whoa, mushrooms! Who's got mushrooms? Give me some!

KATIE: Freddie!

FREDDIE: What? Chill out.

EMILY: Did I hear mushrooms?

KATIE: Emily! Don't you fucking dare!

NAOMI: Don't listen to her, Ems.

All part of the fun, I suppose.

EFFY: Come on, Panda. Live a little.

PANDORA: No, thanks! Love is our drug!

THOMAS: Sometimes you need a little more sugar in your bowl, though. C'est vrai ca, ma jolie?

EFFY: Go on, Panda.

PANDORA: Eurggh.

KATIE: Don't cry. Don't fucking cry.

PANDORA: How long till it kicks in, Eff?

EFFY: Not long.

FREDDIE: I am so fucked. Do I look fucked? Eff? Listen, before. In the shed. I was just... I just wondered... What were you gonna say?

EFFY: I'll tell you later. Bye.

KATIE: Katie's cold.

EMILY: Cos that's what it's about, isn't it? Forget all that other shit, cos it's not about that, it's about everything else. Like when you open your eyes in the night and you see that face... see that face...

KATIE: Listen, Effy. I didn't even want you here and you've ruined my night. I invited you here was because you can drive and you're embarrassing yourself- don't you think? It's pretty sad, throwing yourself at your friend's boyfriend don't you think?

EFFY: Katie, come and sit down.

KATIE: I'm not being nasty or anything. I don't even think you realised you're doing it. It's just, it makes you look like a desperate whore.

Who moved the stuff?


Who moved the stuff?

The bags are gone.

What are you talking about?

For God's sakes.

This is so not funny, guys.

Chill out, somebody...

Turn the music off!

Oh, shit!

PANDORA: Eff, I don't like it!

EFFY: It's OK, Panda.

Turn the lights off now.

Everything off.

Quick. JJ, get that fire out!

Shh. Everyone, round the fire!

Get down, get down.

What the fuck do you think you're playing at? You fucking idiots.


You fucking prick!

FREDDIE: I should fucking kill you!

NAOMI: You scared the shit out of us, stupid prick.

COOK: It wasn't me! There were psychos in the woods with a gun! I saw them nick your stuff so they started shooting. They're fucking mental!

KATIE: Shut up. Joke's over.

EMILY: You bloody scared us, you stupid fucking tosser.

COOK: All right, calm down. I took your sodding knapsacks, children. They're just poachers, you daft wankers.

EMILY: Poachers?

COOK: After rabbits and shit. Not you. I was just trying to freak you out.


COOK: Cos I thought it'd be funny! And it totally was! Ooh, turn off the lights! Ooh, we're going to die!

KATIE: What the fuck are you doing here?

COOK: Well, you know me. When I smell a shin dig I’m there.”

KATIE: Yeah well you weren’t invited so you can just fuck off!

COOK: Ooh, but we’re having such a nice time. Your tits look fucking mint from this angle by the way.

FREDDIE: What is your fucking problem?

COOK: Come on then, Rambo. ike you don’t remember. What you want? My fucking blood? You’ve fucking taking everything else. You’ve taken fucking JJ and now you’ve nicked her as well ! She hasn't told you has she? Fuck me! I'm so glad I didn't miss this!

KATIE :What's going on?

COOK: Effy doesn't want me any more. Do you, princess?


KATIE: So? Why should we care? Freddie's with me now. Right, Freddie? Freddie? Freddie!


KATIE: I'm going for a walk.


COOK: Well, I think she took that pretty well, don't you?

JJ: Just go! No-one wants you here! No-one likes you! So JUST FUCKING GO!

NAOMI: Do what he says. Fuck Off.

COOK: Whatever. Have nice lives, all of youse. You coming? Nah, yeah, stay here. With your friends. Look at them. Look at their little faces. You're all such whizzo chums aren't you? Ain't that right Eff? Ain't that right Panda? Panda's been worried lately Eff. Says you don't see each other as much as you used to. Ain't that right Panda? I said to her 'cupcake, maybe if you didn't spend as much time with my cock in your mouth...'

PANDORA: Shut up! Shut up! I can’t, come on Thomas!

THOMAS: Stop! It's fine. I know.

PANDORA: No, no, no...

EFFY: Wait! It was one time right? Your party. It was only once right? I need to sit down!

COOK: Um, sorry, slugger, I don't think you heard. Me. Fucked. Your. Girlfriend. Like, multiple times.

THOMAS: What do you want me to say?

COOK: I don't want you to say anything! Hit me. Come on! Come on, hit me!

THOMAS: You are such a sad little boy.

PANDORA: Thomas, please. I stopped it. I love you. Just give me a chance.

THOMAS: I have given you chances! And you have not taken them! Time and again you've lied to me! It's too late now! I fell in love with this girl, she was good. She was honest... and doughnuts and... Now she is gone and this new one, I don't like her. She makes my heart hurt.

PANDORA: Please, please, Thomas, come back.

FREDDIE: Effy, are you OK?

EFFY: I'm really tripping, there's something on me.

FREDDIE: Effy. Effy, calm down.

EFFY: Get off me! Get off me!

FREDDIE: Calm down! It's me! Effy, wait! Effy!

EFFY: Who's that?

KATIE: Effy? Is that you? It's all right. It's me. Why are you crying?

EFFY: I...I don't know.

KATIE: Aww. Look at you. You're, like, totally monged, aren't you? Oh.

EFFY: What?

KATIE: Fuck, there's loads of, like, bugs in your hair!

EFFY: Where? Get them out! Get them off me!

KATIE: Effy! Effy! What you doing?

EFFY: The bugs! The bugs!

KATIE: What bugs? There's nothing there. Please don't take him from me.

EFFY: What?

KATIE: Freddie. Please don't take him from me.

EFFY: Hey. Hey. Don't do that.

KATIE: : Get your fucking hands off me ! As if you could take him from me! God, you're so up yourself! Your life's so shit, you want to crap all over mine! Don't invite fucking psychos to my party and don't push your flat little tits in my boyfriend's face, OK? I said, OK? Cos I swear, babes, I'm serious, if you ever try and touch anything that belongs to me ever again, I will fuck you up. I said OK? I said OK?

EFFY: Hit me.


EFFY: Just once. I want to feel something. Hit me! I dare you.

JJ: Phew! Bit cramped in there. Me, two girls and one tent - nightmare! You ladies like to wriggle, don't you? Anyway. I need a wee and a Tic Tac.

NAOMI: Morning.

FREDDIE: Good morning.

JJ: Has anyone seen Pandora or Thomas?

EMILY: And where's Katie? Thought she'd be with you, Fred.

FREDDIE: Probably still asleep.

PANDORA: Thomas has gone home. He's gone. I got to go now, please.


EMILY: Katie!

EFFY: Freddie!


EFFY: Nothing.

FREDDIE: Just need to find her, OK?

VOICE: 'Are you saying you don't know where you are?'

EFFY: No, I mean I can't find her.

VOICE: 'Why not?'

EFFY: Because I just fucking can't, OK! Just send an ambulance, will you?

VOICE: Keep calm... Calm down.

EFFY: I think I hit her. No, I mean I can't find her. With a rock, and now she's... I was tripping, I didn't mean to. Please...

NAOMI: How long does it take to have a wee, Eff?

VOICE: 'Tell me where you are.'

EFFY: It's Gobblers End. Coming!

PANDORA: 'Hi, this is Pandora. I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Bye.'

FREDDIE: 'You're through to Freddie's dyslexia helpline.'

EMILY: 'Hi, this is Emily, sorry I can't take your call right now, but...

NAOMI: 'Naomi. I'm not here. Wait for the beep.'

JJ: 'JJ's phone. I can't take your call so just leave me a message. Please call again later.'

EFFY: Hi! Freddie, hi! Are you...

FREDDIE: 'I should've gone with her, Eff. 'Middle of the night, I just let her go. 'She's got nine stitches in her head. 'She was lying in those woods all night. Alone. 'Fuck knows what happened to her. 'She's not even woken up yet.'

EFFY: But she's OK, right? She is OK?

FREDDIE: 'Yeah, I guess. 'Eff? 'Eff, you there? 'I gotta go. I'm meeting Em at the hospital. Call you later.'

EFFY: Freddie, wait.

EFFY: She woke up, then?

FREDDIE: Yeah. She woke up.

EFFY: Fred, listen, she...pulled my hair.

FREDDIE: So what?! She pulled your hair so you smashed her head open?

EFFY: It was an accident ! I was tripping! She choked me, I couldn't breathe!

FREDDY: I can't see any bruises. I can see nine fucking stitches! But when did it happen?

EFFY: Just before... Em, it was an accident. I promise.

EMILY: You hit her with a rock. You just left her there. She could have died.

EFFY: Panda, listen.

EFFY: Whose car is this?

COOK: Dunno. But they do have a sterling collection of power ballads.

EFFY: Where we going? OK. Where are we?

COOK: It's you and me, babe. It's always gonna be you and me. It's always you and me.

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