Loaed and Alone 30 Seconds to Mars

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Loaed and Alone 30 Seconds to Mars

Post by StormyBear30 » 11/15/13 23:16

Title: Loaded and Alone
Author: StormyBear30
Author E-mail: StormyBear29@cox.net
Pairing: Jared alone w some Shannon and Tomo
Rating: Slight R
Summary: A song fic based on Hinder “Loaded and Alone” .
Author’s Note: All mistakes are mine and this is un-beta’d. I’ve been out sick for the last week and this is what my med filled mind came up with.
WARNING: Slash fiction…so that means two men. HEAVY ANGST! CHARACTER DEATH!
Disclaimer: I don’t know them. I have no idea of their sexual orientation. These are just stories that the muses in my head forced me to write.
Feedback: I live and breathe for it.
Posting: Anywhere…Just ask!

"Loaded And Alone"

Just a kid just a fool
Always trying to play it so cool
So he did what he knew
He left home and he dropped out of school

He wanted fame fame fame even just a little bit
A shame shame shame he would sell his soul for it
Even changed his name never gonna get it back now

He's got money but he's way off track
So lonely that it makes him think back
To his family and friends and
The lady he left back home
He's loaded and alone

Still a kid still a fool
Still trying to break all the rules
A big house with too many rooms
And an ego to go with it too

He got his fame fame fame more than just a little bit
A shame shame shame that he sold his soul for it
Aven changed his name never gonna get it back now

“And the winner is…” A hush fell over the crowd as the two actors fumbled with the folded card. “Jared Leto” They both announced with fake smiles upon their faces, as one of them accepted the award that was handed over by a very beautiful woman. “Jared could not be here tonight…but we will accept this award on his behalf” The actor continued to smile, but his eyes saying more then any smile ever could say.

Jared watched the TV through drunken eyes, his gut twisting not only from the alcohol flowing through his system, but at the hate he felt for the two actors. He hated them without question, hated them with nothing but undying passion and they hated him just as passionately as well. It was hard to believe that at the beginning they had all been the best of friends. They were each starting out on their own, but the simple idea of fame and stardom seemed to bring the three together. He couldn’t help but laugh at just how close the three of them had been; even living together for many years, until fame and ego’s got in the way. Jared had fallen head over heels in love with one of them; starting a relationship that made him happier then he had ever been in his young lifetime. However, that happiness didn’t last long when that same man realized that he loved the other friend even deeper. They had tried to remain friends with Jared, tried to explain that you couldn’t control the ways of love, but he wanted nothing to do with their explanations of love or their friendship. It was twenty years later and they were still together and happy and Jared hated them more now then he ever thought possible. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was envious of them, jealous of what they had and what they shared. They were in love, they were together and you could read it by just looking in their eyes that they were content with their lives as well.

The cold hard fact of the matter was that he hated his life, hated everything about it. He tried to recall something, anything that was part of his life that made him happy, nothing but a sad and pathetic blank coming to his mind. Taking a swallow from the ever present bottle in his hand, his thoughts, as they often did in the previous years, fell back to his family. Tears burned his eyes as he thought about the brother who had given up everything to be by his side as he pursued his dream of becoming a star. Shannon had been his rock, his savior when his heart had been devastated; holding him together when all he wanted to do was fall apart. He had given up his own dreams to make sure that Jared had achieved his and once he had, the only way he thanked him was by breaking his brother’s heart and expelling him from his life for good. He missed Shannon, missed him so much that he felt as if he couldn’t breath as he downed the rest of the bottle before tossing it on the floor with all the others. He wondered when his life had gotten so out of control, tried to recall the last time that he had been truly happy once again. He cried even harder when he realized that it had been so long that he no longer had memory of any happiness, only anger, pain and hatred. Closing his eyes, he allowed his mind to settle, his brain to calm as slowly the images of how it all started began to play before him. It was as if it was someone else nightmare, but as his tears increased and his heart broke a bit more, he knew that it was the story of the life that he had created for himself so many years before hand.

He was barely eighteen when he quit school and left his home for the sunny state of California. He had plans, he had goals and he was cocky enough to know that he would achieve them no matter what fate put in his way. He wanted fame so badly that he could taste it in everything that he did and he was willing to sell his soul to the very devil to ensure that he got just what he wanted. He was young, he was pretty and he was desperate, three things that he knew would get him to the top. He was snatched up the very week he landed in L.A. by a seedy looking woman who claimed that she could give him the glory and fame that he was looking for, of course for her services there would be a cost and at the beginning he paid dearly. By day he went anywhere and everywhere that she told him to go, getting bit parts and making small amounts of money, by night he was hers to do with as she pleased and despite his determination he was miserable for it. He was forced to be arm candy for any semi famous woman that needed a male escort and sexual favors were always expected at the end. Jared was gay. He had known he was gay at a young age and hated every moment with the dreaded women, forced to do things that were degrading and demeaning, but he held strong to his dreams because he knew it was just a matter of paying his dues to the Hollywood gods.

Nearly a year later he received a lucky break as he landed a part in a small movie as a bit characters. He had a few short lines, but it was camera time and he was happy for it. However, the fates decided to smile down on him a week into filming when the lead actor was found beaten and nearly dead in an alley by a nearby night club. Jared was never sure if his agent had anything to do with it, and he didn’t care because the director chose him to replace the nearly dying man. He wasn’t sure if it was his looks or his acting skills that had helped in choosing him, or if it was the fact that he had been secretly sucking his dick off and on since filming had started. He didn’t care as he fell into the deep and dark roll, more determined to prove to the world that he was a star. The movie was a colossal flop, but word about Jared had started to spread and then there was no stopping him.

He had done three other movies before he decided that he needed his brother by his side. He was gaining popularity quit steadily, had movie scripts of all varieties waiting for him daily, and yet without his brother in his life it just felt a bit empty. Shannon had to be persuaded to leave his life behind, but Jared held no doubt that he wouldn’t, because while growing up the boys had always been tight and Shannon had always been there for Jared without fail whenever he needed him. They bought a small house together, Shannon helping to pay the rent by the bit parts Jared constantly threw his way, as well as the selling of private pictures that only Shannon had the privileged to take of his rising star. Life was good, he was growing more famous with each day that passed and with that fame, came the ego, the ugly and then the madman.

Jared wasn’t really sure when he lost the last remnant of his true self. He wasn’t sure why he allowed it to go in the first place, but little by little he became someone that he didn’t recognize anymore, someone that if he had to admit it to himself, he didn’t even care for much. He became nasty and demanding, always wanting more, always wanting to be on top and he didn’t care who he had to scream at or torture to get what he wanted, including his brother. He was thankful that Shannon stayed with him as long as he did, because of all the people in his life; he got the worst of it. The thing was that Jared could see that he was hurting his brother, could see that Shannon was losing his beautiful and strong luster and yet he allowed it to continue. He grew jealous beyond belief when Shannon met someone and fell in love. Tomo was a strange looking man to Jared and no matter how hard he tried, which wasn’t very hard, he just never felt that he was good enough for his older brother. Shannon didn’t care what Jared thought of Tomo, because he was head over heels in love with the younger musician and he wanted nothing more then to share their lives together. There was no denying that Tomo felt that same for Shannon, ignoring Jared’s ugly remarks and constant attempts to break them apart. Tomo was determined to spend the rest of his life with Shannon, but even he had his breaking point and once Jared had found it, there was no going back.

Jared quickly learned that Tomo had a fondness for drugs and alcohol and with both substances played within his system, he was pretty much putty in anyone’s hands. The guitarist was in a band that played nightly in a club on Sunset Boulevard. They were a quite popular band, had a record deal in the making and life was good. Since he had started dating Shannon, he had cut out the drinking and the drugs, but at a particular show Shannon was no where to be found. Jared had showed up claiming that Shannon wasn’t feeling well, but had asked him to stop by and give him and the band some moral support. Tomo wasn’t buying it at first, but after the first drink and then the second, he found that he really didn’t care much about anything anymore. He was halfway drunk as they played through their set, but it was as it was like old times to him and he loved it. Afterwards he found himself in a dark corner, fully drunk as he and Jared shared one of many joints between the two of them that night. He didn’t even try to stop Jared when he advanced on him, kissing him hard, his hands playing with his dick under the waistband of his jeans under the table. He could only nod in response as he was led out of the club by that same man, more kissing and fondling in the back seat of a car before he was jerked out of the back seat and rushed into a building of some sort. He couldn’t stop the moans of pleasure when his naked back hit a bed, trying to figure out when he had lost his clothes in the first place. The fucking that took place afterwards was brutal and his altered mind began to realize that this was not the fucking of the man that he loved. He tried to push the person whose name he couldn’t even remember anymore off of him, a scream of anguish rushing from his lips as he looked up and found Shannon, the man that he loved, the man that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with standing in the doorway of the room, broken in two. Jared couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as he showered the funk of the night from his body, because he knew that the relationship between Shannon and Tomo was over for good.

Shannon not only ended his relationship with Tomo, but his with Jared as well. Jared fought tooth and nail to get his brother to stay, to forgive him. He lied and blamed it all on Tomo, but he could see that Shannon wasn’t buying any of it. He cried and begged, screamed and even tried to physically stop his brother as he packed his things into a suitcase and attempted to leave. He asked his brother how he was going to live without him in his life and in response all he got was a punch in the face and a load of spit on his shirt. Jared knew that his relationship with Shannon was over for good when not a few months later he got a phone call from his mother letting him know that Shannon had decided to forgive Tomo and that they had been able to work through his betrayal. It was also at that very moment in time, out of anger and confusion that Jared severed the final ties with his mother as well. He was now truly loaded and alone. The drinking and the drugs started that very night and continued until he was nothing but a shell of the eager and resourceful man he had once been.

Opening his eyes he wiped the tears away and stood up. He truly felt as if he had nothing any longer. He had wanted the world and he had received it ten fold, only to realize a little two late that what he only needed was the love of his family and true friend. He had more money then what he knew what to do with, hundreds of people that called themselves his friends, but not a one of them knew of his tortured soul. He had everything that he ever wanted, a large house, many cars and a slew of manly fuck toys that he could call over on a whim, and yet he knew none of that mattered. Bending down he picked up a discarded folder from the floor, falling back into the chair he had been sitting on once again. Opening it, tears once again flooded his eyes at the pictures and reading he found in front of him.

The very first picture was a picture of his brother and Tomo as they sat together in what looked to be a park. He had just received the folder in the mail that day and despite the twenty years that had passed; Shannon looked as if he hadn’t truly aged a day. He cried even harder as he traced the rugged contours of the face before him, his insides seeming to freeze up all at once. He even had to admit that Tomo looked amazing as well as the two of them looked on with smiles upon their faces. There were several pictures like that, but the one that tore at his very soul was the one of the beautiful set of twin girls that graced the next one. He continued to look at the pictures as in each one the girls moved closer and closer to the men across the street, smiles and hugs, shared between what could only be described as a family the end result. Shannon had a family, his own family and one that Jared wasn’t even supposed to be aware of. His sobs were loud and echoed through the many rooms of the mansion he lived in, because it had taken the hiring of a private investigator to reveal this to him.

He wanted to call Shannon so badly. Wanted to beg and crawl and do anything in his power to prove to Shannon how much he loved him, how much he was falling apart and needed his brother more then anything. He had a number, the private investigator had been able to find one, but as his fingers traced the buttons of blackberry, he found that he just could not do it. Throwing the phone across the room, he tossed the folder back on the floor; unable to read or see any more about the life he wasn’t able to be a part off.

Stumbling to the kitchen in the dark he found yet another bottle of vodka, downed half of it in one go before jerking open one of the utensil drawers. His eye fell on the butcher knife, watching the way the light from above gleamed in the metal. He touched the tip, jerking his finger back at the sharp prick and dollop of blood upon it. Falling to the floor, he took the bottle and the knife with him, both feeling strange in his hands, but somehow feeling at peace with what he was about to do. He finished the rest of the bottle of vodka, closing his eyes as he head swam, forcing his eyes open a few moments later before he could pass out. “I love you Shannon and I am so fucking sorry for everything” He murmured to the large and empty room, dragging the top part of the knife across the tender skin of his wrist. He couldn’t explain it, but their seemed to be warmness to his body that he hadn’t felt in such a long time as he watched the blood spill from the wound. He didn’t have a second thought as he grabbed knife in his other hand, struggling like hell with the slippery handle as he did the same to the other wrist as well. Lying back against the cabinet, he closed his eyes and welcomed the heat, the warmness that seemed to make him feel almost alive as he lie dying. He couldn’t help but smile at the irony of those words as his head became heavy, slumping off to the side. His smile grew even wider as he opened his eyes just a bit at a sound heard and found his brother standing there looking down upon him. He didn’t say a word as he got lost in beautiful hazel eyes before his world as he knew it, ended.

The end…or not?

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