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  3x16 - Sister
 Posted: 02/12/14 20:14
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Hey, guys.

Bertie's playing it cool, but you guys coming over for dinner tonight is a really big deal to her, so Be there by 6, and no bailing.

Ooh, bailing on dinner.

Nick, I need you.

Wingman sitch.

Jewish girl, sensible nose.

High-level target.

I can't be your wingman.

We got to go this Bertie dinner.

Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? She is making ten or eleven soups.

And all of them are cream-based.


Hey, Mom.

Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know the morning is the most sensual time of day.

But, um, I need you.

It's your sister.

Abby? What is it? She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego.

How's everything with your sister? I mean, she was caught stealing, they called the cops, it's a mess.

Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl.

Hey, Jess has a sister? - Yeah, I've never met her.

I need you to go to the jail, pick her up and put her on a plane home.

Oh, that's fabulous.

And by the way, um I don't know what kind of jail this is.

So be prepared for anything.

I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love.


Love you.

Hi Nick Okay, here, these are all the ladles that I could find.

Ooh, this one is deep.

Well, what's up with your sister? Well, she's coming to town.

Great! - Ooh, yikes, that's The best news ever? I know! It's so, so, so, so, so, so, so good.

Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day.

Not mysterious.

Jet setter.

You know, I always imagined her with a French-speaking black husband, like a Jerome St.


So, I'll probably meet her at the airport for a little layover hang.

Why are you ignoring me, Nick? - 'Cause I'm paying - Nick! - attention to my girlfriend.

There, a reaction! Thank goodness! Now I know I'm not a ghost.

All right, I got to go.

Oh, you're going? I'll, uh, I-I got to go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess! What if I came with? Yeah, you know, I don't think - you two would really get along.

Why not? Look, I just haven't seen her in a really long time, and Jess, I'd like to meet your sister.

Why don't we do this? Um Why don't I go pick her up? And then come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves? That would be awesome.

That's all I was looking for.



Winston, we can't make your dinner! - Bye, Winston.

I'm not gonna be with you.

Wait! No, no, no, no! Wait Hey, hey.

Are you really letting Nick meet Abby? Hell no.

I'm going to pick her up from jail.

Like, straight-up jail.

I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" but, whoops, her flight got changed.

No time.


Bye, Nick! I'll see you later! - I'm out of shampoo! Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference! Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! He's never going to meet her.

Hey, dude.

I can't go to this dinner.

It's a double date now.

Things are already weird enough between me and Cece.

Because you went on a date two months ago and she never texted you? Yeah.

Be a man, Coach! - All right.

Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine.

And don't be cheap, either.

Bertie is a Somalian.


Oh, tidings, Abigail.

I'm Jess's beau.

My name is Nicholas.

It's a pleasure to - Oh, good God.

Is that a common barber's comb? - Look, Schmidt, I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.

Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

What did you come here to talk to me about? As I was saying earlier, I have a very difficult flirting situation here.

I mean, it's a double black diamond: trees, moguls.

And, as we both know, you're the best wingman who's ever wung.

Thank you, Schmidt! I'm almost glad I got in the accident so we can have more days like this together, with you helping me through this.

Hocod a guy so rich be so generous with his time? Whoa Excuse me.

Are you the writer of So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? - Incredible.

Can I have your autograph? - Of course.

Come on, man.

It's a quick party.

I'll have you back by your little dinner.

Okay, I'll do it, but as soon as Jess says I've got to go, I'm out.

Thank you very much.

For your mitigated support and tiny portion of your life.



Hey, Abby.

Oh, look who came to pick up her big, bad sister.

So, you good to go? Or you gotta sign yearbooks or something? Bridget stole your gum.

What? You took my Fruity Fruit? I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! - Oh, my God.

Oh - Gum? I want my Fruity Fruit! I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! What about the new guy? I want to meet him.

We don't really have time to meet him 'cause I have to take you to the airport 'cause Mom's already bought you a ticket.

I know all of her credit card information, - No.

and I can just change it.

Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no.


Why don't you just for once in your life do something that you're not supposed to do? I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day.




Oh, my God.

No! No! - No! No! I will not drive unsafely! - Try-try it! I have a perfect record.

Get your hands away from me.

Why don't you want me to meet him? - About.

Are you embarrassed of me? - I do.



'Cause I just got on a later flight.

That's great.

So excited.

I know.

Did you just start driving really slow? No, I actually think I'm speeding.

I hope there's no coppers around.

Drive faster.

Sorry, sir! Thank you for your service! - What is this place? - It's a bar mitzvah.

I am not watching a kid get circumcised.

The target is Rachael.

She's a Hebrew school teacher.

Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's the best way to get her? Get her on the dance floor, a little bit softer now, a little bit louder now, sweep her off her feet, we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon.

At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom at this bar mitzvah.

Not a dry eye in the house.

Jewiontinuity, et cetera, et cetera.

Do you realize how long you were just talking? There she is.

Whew! - A beautiful piece of hamentaschen.

What the hell is hamentaschen? Problem is her dad is my rabbi.

He hates me.

So I just need to charm Rachael before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things - about me.


Oh! Hello! - What a day.

Oh a special day.

Oh, take my hand.

Take your hand.

A special day.

You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you? Mmm, I did.

I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting.

May I take your hand, too? You can take anything you want, Shirley.

So, yeah, just the just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight? Yeah, just, uh just-just you and me.

Uh, and Bertie.

And Winston.

Just eating night lunch.

Yeah, like a you know, like a date.

But not a date 'cause - Yeah.


So, uh - What is that? Is that a onesie? - Yeah.

How do you how do you take it off to use the bathroom? Mmm Whoa.

Nice place.

Oh, my God! - Hey! - You look, you know, amazing.

You look amazing.

Look at you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore.

Oh, my God.

You're just the best.

Hello, Hot Cocoa.


What's going on here? I'm getting a real vibe.



Mmm, you want to have sex with her, you are not so sure.

If she doesn't want to put out, I will.

Abby Day - There you go.

Abby Day, she always says The most inappropriate stuff.

You a cappella sing at me one more time, I'll rip that stupid little dress off you and shove it down your mouth.

Okay, I'm scared of you.

Let's go in my room Don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me.

Damn it.

She hasn't called.

Will you put please that away? We're 30 seconds to curtain here.

I don't want to miss a call from Jess, man.

I need you focused.

Are you ready? Yes.

I distract the rabbi while you hit on his daughter.

And action.



What a spread, huh? - Terrible.

I agree.

Thank God I have pizza in my car.

Yeah, that's very funny.

What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke.

Who has pizza in their car? Listen, when I make a joke, you'll know it.

I'm a joke machine.

What are the chances? I love jokes! Oh, good, okay.

Uh Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter? - No.

Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?" Hi.

Rack-hael! Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.

Oh, thank you! - Uh, Shabbat sha-hello.


It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute.




How's Hebrew school? - It's fine.

It's the only place that would hire me after I got out of rehab.

Two Jews walk into a bar.

They buy it.

'Cause they're rich people.

Yeah, they well, these particular Jews happen - to be rich, but they worked hard.

I'm sorry.

Hold on - Telephone call in the middle of a punch line? - Hey.

Generation's the worst! - Hey, what's going on? So Abby's flight is crazy delayed.

Um, so, no time for dinner.

I can come right now, Jess.


Um, she has, um, a conference call with Hong Kong about a very important, uh fashion business, uh, venture magazine conference.

Well, maybe I'll see her next time.

Oh, no, no, no, no! You will not speak to my daughter! Rachael, this man is a nut ball! A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

was a goof ball.

You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr.

I'm a I'm a goof ball.

I am a goofball.

You're bad news.

Bad news.

Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me.

Let him! Oh, I love sex! Text me.

Text me.

What was that, man? Jess is embarrassed of me.

Can you believe that? What a shanda.

What's a shanda? A shanda! What a shanda! All you care about is Jess.

Remember when we used to be best friends? Uh, that was neat.

What a neat time in my life that was.

Hey, Schmidt! My girlfriend's embarrassed of me.

Can we go on that for a little bit? Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? The bird never gets to be the main bird.


Ugh! So, I just talked to Nick, and this is a real shame in the pants, but he's not coming home tonight.

What? Why? - He had to hang out with his work friends.

He can't come and see me? - Guess it's just us till the airport.


You see what you're doing, right? Oh, my God.


No! I'm turning into Mom.

How did this happen? - "Just a little bit.

" - "Just a tipple.

" - "I don't want to get stoned.

" - Hey, I love that she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned.

" Oh, my God.


Big news.

Mom got one of those very, very small denim backpacks.

What? - She did, and she calls it her blue guy.

She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy.

" Can't believe you're making fun of Mom.

You're her perfect little baby.

I'm Hey, I'm I'm not really a baby.

You're a super grownup.

Thank you.

Oh, my - What? I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack at her sign language class graduation.


You have to see this.


It's amazing.

I have it in a photo album.

Ooh, bonus shot of Dad getting a haircut while eating spaghetti! Abby? Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes? Sorry.

I'm doing my taxes.

Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending.



How's it going with Abby? Yeah, you know, we were having fun for once, and then What happened? Tell me what happened.

I will take care of it for you, baby.

Baby? I got this.

I got this myself.


Quick question.

Is pee-pee a write-off? Hey.

Not sure my body's built for these chairs.

It's a regular chair, man.


Hey, bub.

How you doing? Well, I want to apologize.

Sorry I got distracted.

It's okay.

I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you.

Ah, she doesn't hate me.

She's just ashamed of me or something.

Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world.


Okay, slow down.

I apologize if I went overboard.

Water under the bridge.

I've never been ashamed.

Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man.

Feel like I blew it.

Well, she was kind of nutty.

What happened to us, man? We used to be the best in the biz.

We still are.

I'm the best wingman that's ever wung.

Make a plan? - Absolutely.

You're my brother.

Thank you.

Charge that to room 304.

Ah! You! Charge that to nothing.

She's checking out.

Adding this hotel to your rap sheets? You found me.

Oh, yeah.

Don't you want to know why I left? You saw my text, and I'm I'm honestly sorry, but you do ruin everything! Whoa.

Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one.

Get your ass in the car.

I'm taking you to the airport.

Thought we could share some calamari.

Now! - Kobe beef sliders? - Now! - Lobster quesadilla? Right now.

This is a great Mmm.

You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me.

So, uh, Coach, what's new? Nothing.

Isn't that right, Cece? Hmm? What's that supposed to mean? Oh, you'll figure it out.

If not, just text me.

Or don't.

You're good at that.

Oh, my God.


We made out once, pointlessly, for two hours.

That's it.

Get over it.

Let it go.

Pointless was it? - Yeah.

I mean, who does that?! Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months.

What are you talking about?! Ice out what? You text me, "Happy Monday.

" What do I do with that? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe have a happy Monday.

Going out with you was the hottest and dumbest mistake I ever made! It was the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake I ever made.

It was so dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall.

So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel.

You guys should try the fisherman's bisque.

Has just the right amount of tang.

That tang? - Mm.

That's tang.


Whoa! Whoa.



I was trying I was trying to Just gonna pivot a little bit more - to the side.


Yeah, just pivot? No, okay, look, I think the way it was was more I was up, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up.

That's-that's how it was yeah, up.

Just Okay.

All right.

Now what do we do? Maybe just, like, lower your center of gravity, and then this is gonna work.

Just lower it down, I'm gonna clench my thighs.

I'm gonna fall.

I'm gonna fall - I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can.

Okay, okay.

What? Oh.


Oh! - Geez.

That was awful.

That was the worst.

Oh, my gosh.

Wow, what is happening? - Oh, Lord.

Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was embarrassing.

I'm sorry.

No, that's cool.

Can we just be friends now? You know? Yeah.

I mean, why not? Friends? Friends.


Come here, you.

Oh, oh! - Aah! Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Literally just bit my tooth.

I'm sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out.

Who does that? - Sorry.

I think I broke my tooth.

Let me see? Oh.


Go straight to the gate.

Look I get why you're mad at me.

Okay? But if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother.

It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too.

I said I would never go back to Portland.

So I guess I'm a complete failure.

I'm the baby.

Is this the craziest thing that's going on in the airport? Really? Okay, recap, you hit the dance floor, and Do what I do best, be an embarrassment.

Well, it's a gift, Nick.

I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah.

What do you say, just get out there and do some weird dancing? - It's got to be bigger than that, man.

Bigger than that? Then I come out there and I knock you out.

It's all right.

Again, it'll be a stage punch.

Don't worry.

I've done several productions of West Side Story.

I know.

You told me.

As a Puerto Rican Shark.

Da, da.

That's cool.

It was awesome.

You never came and saw it, but - Well, I was very busy at that time.

Whatever, never mind.

The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, - the hero - Gotcha.

He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo - in the Florida Keys.

You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches.

You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt.

Do you s Do you, do you hear yourself? - I-I'm unaware of it.

You Okay.

I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of - I'm unaware of it.

But, like, it's weird.

I apologize.

I'll stop doing it.



Yeah? Light this cannon up so I can shoot off.

Oh! Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass.

How you doing? My name's Nick.

You know martial arts? Swear to God you don't? You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat.

I know your game.

Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes.

I wish I had 'em.

Breaking my heart, beautiful.

What? And I all do is love you.

I give and I give.

I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you.

We just met.

I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me.

Oh, wow.

I want to wear your lipstick.

Well, that's interesting.

I want to rip those earrings off and put 'em on and I want to be the girl! That would be wonderful.

But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews.

And I don't care who's watching.

I want what I want.

Ooh! - Unhand her, sir.

Whoa, what is Hey, man.

That's my mother! Ooh! You okay? Nice shot, Dr.


Would you like to date my daughter? She's available.

Oh, great, yeah, tell the whole room that I'm available.

I'm not telling the whole room.

I'm telling Dr.


A doctor.

No, I got that.

Oh, hey.


I like your glass What happened to your eye? I got beat up at a bar mitzvah.

And I know that's embarrassing, and I know you're too embarrassed of me to introduce me to your sister.

What? - And I get that, Jess.

Nick, that's not at all what - You know what? There is something I just cannot shake, I been tossing and turning all night long.

We literally have been apart for like I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings - Don't do this.

for a, for a bird to dance.

Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.

I agree.

And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him.

Don't I told him not - Excuse me? I don't understand where this is coming from.

I am not embarrassed of Nick, - not at all.

For real? - No.

Well, that's great news.

I'm glad that's out of the way.


I'll see you guys for brunch.

Why would you think that? - She's embarrassed of me.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hey.

This is, um - I'm Abby.



Mom was right.

He does have an uptown butt.

What? - I'd like to put that butt in ski pants.

What does that mean? - Nothing.


Come on, Abby.

Oh, come on.

Jess, I'm putting my stuff in your room.

So that mean you guys are gonna stay in your room.

Thank me later.

All right.

Well, she is just a delight.

So I might have told a few lies about my sister.

She's a total train wreck, and she was in jail.

Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been or are currently in jail? I get it.

It's just, she's such a I can hear you.

Complicated person.



She needs me.


Can she stay with us? Yeah, of course.

How-how long? A few weeks.

Few weeks.

A month, tops.

Six months, super tops.

Six months.

Just till I get on my feet.


What's your address? In case I want to get any "deliveries.

" I'm not telling you.

I'm not telling you, I'm n "Deliveries?" No.

Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no.

Depends what you want "delivered.

" I'll figure it out.

Well I love you.

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