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  3x15 - Exes
 Posted: 02/06/14 03:30
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This is why I buy my food from gas stations, Jess.

Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full of fruit, and then you actually skipped away.

Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay? The LAPD does not offer entrance exams every single day.

Just Mondays and Fridays.

But I am not waiting till Friday.

Hey, why do you have so much fruit? Because this one ran into his ex-girlfriend at the farmer's market.

Nick? Hey! No way! Caroline of my past.

What a pleasant surprise.

My ex-lover No! I don't deal with exes.

They're part of the past.

You burn 'em swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon.

I'm really good friends with Berkley, and we had a terrible breakup Come on, what? You have a good relationship with him because he wants to bone you.

He's a stay-at-home dad.

His entire life revolves around his family.

He's the most emotionally evolved person I know.

And I'm sure his favorite emotion is the emotion of wanting to bone you.

That's not an emotion.

Possible sex is the only reason people stay "friends" with their exes.

Come on.

Back me up, Winnie the Bish.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, I'm friends with all my exes - See? - families.

Ha-ha! See? I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card, and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday.

What is wrong with you? - That's nice.

Hey, guys.

I bet Coach is friends with his exes.


Oh, for sure, yeah.

Yeah! I'm right! - For sex.

No! Ha-ha! I'm right! Can't spell "sex" without the "ex.

" Man, is that sexy when he does that.

Announcement: I finally finished my loft.

Hold the applause.

Let's go.

All right.

Come on.

C-Come on, you guys.

All together, now.

We're not Who's coming? Let's go.

Come on, Nick.

I don't want to go, man.

Thanks for the invite.

Nah, come on.


No? You and Caroline still need some closure.

Well, what do you want me to say? That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you? We started dating, like, a year after you broke up.

Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her.

She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off.

What if she hurts me physically? What if she hurts me with words? Just talk to her.

Clear the air.

You'll feel better, she'll feel better.

Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market.

Strolling around, chatting with vendors It's so nice.

I feel like Don Corleone.

I think a lot of ladies do.


Hey Sorry about that.

Haven't spoken anybody all day.

Phlegm buildup, you know? I've been cooped up all day in my loft apartment.

So much space for one person, you know? You could scream in there, nobody would ever hear you.

I'm gonna go.


What is going on? May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? I'm in a bit of a sexual drought.

The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months.

You're just you're giving off a creepy vibe.

All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird.

Yeah, but I love living alone.

Where are you, grapes? Grápés.

Great apes.

Grapes, we have you surrounded.

Come out with your stems up! I guess my game could be upped if I increased my my human contact - a little bit.


Because you're caressing your own arm right now.


That's not normal, man.

I've been working out.

It feels I don't I just want to know why you walked out.

Was there something else going on? Was there someone else? Can I just say, I really wish this coffee was a giant beer.

And I wish this scone was a-a whiskey and I could just drink one just chase 'em.

This is nice.

Glad we're doing this.

So how'd it go? We gabbed like a couple of washer women over the back fence.

That's great.

So proud of you.

You two are dating? I knew it.

I knew it was her! What? You didn't tell her we were together?! I told her we were together.

I'm not getting away with this.

I didn't tell her.

Screw you, Miller! I don't understand.

You guys talked for 30 minutes.

How did our relationship not come up? - 'Cause I got scared.

There were so many things that I wanted to tell her.

You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? You just didn't have a thumb.

I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? Just like this? I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day in the Dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me.

What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? Spend my quid.

Cheers? Oh, crap.

This is her.

She thinks I cheated, Jess.

You know who you should talk to? Berkley.

He's so good at this stuff friendship, closure.

Actually, he did write a book about it.

It's an e-book.

I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end.

He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to.

You know what? I'm gonna text him? Why would I talk to your ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend? Well, you need his help.

You're right.

Give me.

Can I see? - No, no, no.

Can I see? - Yeah.


"Hey, babe" Don't call him "babe.

" It's just what we call each other.

"BF problems"? My boyfriend is having problems.

XOXO? - It's a really common greeting.

"Kissing you, hugging you, kissing you, hugging you"? What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"? That just looks like "Oh" You're leading him on, Jess.

Oh, Nick.

You are.

Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot.

Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex, or they're Winston.

I also want sex.

Going to Schmidt's.

He's been begging us to all week.

Jess, men are sick.

Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko.

Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of Oh, this is terrible! She's quoting scriptures, but using tons of cuss words.

This is as bad as it gets with Caroline.


Berkley's around the corner at his baby's world music class.

Okay, you know what? I'm in.


What kind of beer does Berkley like? - He doesn't.

Oh, great.

I cannot wait to meet him.


You made it.

As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.


Probably get ham.

Wow, man.

It's nice inside of here, man.


It's like a European airport.

Oh, what's that? Uh, you want to watch the game? Which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones? Oh! That is awesome, man.

Look at this place, Schmidt.

You got so many plush surfaces.

Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, each one specifically designated to its own sexual position.


That's standing, this is sitting, that's diagonal.

That's how I do it.

The "Why? Why? Because.

" The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel.

" The "Red Beanbag Chair.

" Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one.

The "Glass Menagerie.

" - The "Bike Share.

" - Nice.

The "Backwards Oops.

" What is "backwards oops"? You don't want to put it mm.

You don't know what it means.

I mean, I don't I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it.

You know, it was Super cool, dude.

I wish I had my own place.

Guys, mi casa es su casa.

I even made you guys keys.

What? Check these out.

That one's yours.

Aw, it looks like a guitar.

Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking.

Mine's a It's a rainbow kissing a star.

You like it? - Blah! Yeah.

Guys, hang out here anytime you want.

Even now.

Who's thirsty? - Thanks.

Right there.

Dude! - Shut up! - Damn, man.

You're like James Bond.

But I'll be I'll be Moneypenny for sure.


Wait, which one is Moneypenny? It's the woman.


So, did the store have that, uh, bamboo highchair you were looking for? No, not the one I wanted.

So I think I'm just gonna Order it online.

You still got it.

You still got it.

Big deal, I've been online, too.

I still got it.

It's different.

So, this is the problem.

Nick didn't tell his ex that we were together, and she found out, and now she's really, really upset.

This is the scariest one yet.

It's just a bunch of smiley faces.

Okay, um, not to be all guy with a baby, but, uh, exes are really a lot like newborns, okay? The burps can be so yucky, but you know what comes after a burp? What? A big old smile.


What the hell are you talking about? It was a metaphor, Nick.

It was a classic fatherhood metaphor.

No, my-my point is you just need to face her and let her get it all off her chest.

Oh, I feel like I've done that.

No, you didn't.

You just talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes.

Okay, look, I know it's hard.

I know that, man.

I'm here and I'm hearing it.

I mean, when Jess and I did this, I think we cried for, like two days? I mean, at least.

But look.

Now I have such a good friend, and we talk all the time, and he's such a good listener.

Say what? I can't hear you.

Is this real? You guys saw each other naked, and now you're friends? Yes, it's the purest form of friendship.

Straight Leno and Eubanks.

I just want to say you're incredible, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Okay, I took your advice.

What do we got? "My bad.

Let's be friends, 'kay?" Smooth, but tough.

That's not good, Nick.

Friendship is a, um it's like a beautiful flower.

You have to nourish it, okay? - You can't just buy it at a store.

All right.

First of all, it was a draft, okay, and I'll fix it.

And second of all, with all due respect, you can buy a flower at a store.

Millered! I know as an angel you usually sleep in heaven, but would you care to spend the evening at my place? I think maybe I would.

Fantastic choice.

Here's my address.

There's usually no place to park.

Well, so where would I? You're a big girl.

You'll figure it out.

Uh, just tr-try south of Sixth.

There's usually a string of open spaces down there.

And there's not a right turn on red on Fifth, just FYI.

Okay, here's the deal.

I've been wanting to end things with Claire for years now.

And I'm gonna do it.

It's gonna take one phone call.

What? - She's gonna burn all my clothes on the lawn.

I don't care.

I only want to wear Henleys anyways.

Jess, we can finally be together.

What?! Wait, no, but leave your wife?! For you.

I'm gonna leave my wife for you.

Wait, what? "Thank you for being so incredible.

" "So lucky to have you in my life"? - Jess.


When you said those words, I knew.


Berkley, there's been a fundamental misunderstanding here.

You know the last time Claire thanked me for anything? It was when I was pulling out her chair at our wedding.

No - She doesn't appreciate me like you do.

No, it's not happening.

No, no Aah! Damn it, Winston! Oh, God.

Pretend this is attached, and there's water coming out.


No, not like that.

It's not sexual! No! I'm not feeding you water! - Wet my mouth.

No! Oh, hi.

Are you Schmidt's friend? - What? Sch-Schmidt's friend? Where you at? 'Cause I'm ready to ea Hey! My good friend Frank Scabopolis! Ah, give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch! - Come here! - What? Where is this coming from? You.

The phone calls, the texts, "Boyfriend problems," "I need you," hugs, kisses.

What? - More hugs, more kisses.

I - You have been setting up dominoes for ten years.

And now they are falling.

You have a baby, sir! I know.

And you are gonna make such a good stepmom.

I love you, Jessica.

God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.

Guys, I need your help.

You, hey! Nick was right about you, and he can't know that, - so put a sock in it! - What is wrong with me? - Hi.


I keep trying to write to Caroline, but I'm choking.

I can't get past "What's up, C?" Oh, that's her.

It says, "Come to the window, friend.

" Friend.

That's good.

That's good.

That's a good thing.


Caroline! Hey! You cheat on me and then you want to be friends?! I'm just writing you an e-mail! It's-it's not sending! Look, gonna throw it down, but I need my phone back! - We talk now! - Caroline! Hey! Stop! Really excited to - No! - talk to you guys.

Hey, stop! That's not my car! Tell Jess I said hi.

No, Caroline, I parked down the street! It Why am I telling you?! At least she can't get into the building.

Okay, what am I gonna do here? She cut off the power.

No, Nick, that was you.

You turned off the light.

All the other lights are still on.

My bad.

Thank you.

I know you're scared.

Let me be brave.

You should go because you have a wife, and you have a baby, and you love them.

Jess, what are you, crazy? It's not safe out there.

Berkley can't go.

He stays here.

I don't think that - Thank you, Nick.

You're very welcome.

I'll be with you in just one second, all right? - Mm-hmm.

And don't drink the water by the bed.

It's got my contacts in it.


What are you doing? - What are you doing? - And t-tell her that I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries.

What? Dude.

Why is she calling you Schmidt? I told her my name was Schmidt in case we saw your mail.

I don't just leave mail out.

This isn't a small business.

Get out.

Dude, I'm about to seal the deal.

I'm not getting out.

I'm about to I'm-I'm a deal sealer.

I'm about to get some squish, dude, and you need to not get in between that.

I'm about to nail it into the wall.

Dude, I'm about to take down that va-dragon.

I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude.

You better not stand in the way of this.

Don't call her a va-donkey.

I don't even know her well and I want her to leave, but please don't call her - a va-d va-donkey.

I won't.

All right.


I need this.

Okay, fine.

I will use the guest room.


Like an animal.

Oh, yes.

Oh! Winston! What are you doing?! Oh, we were just playing a game.

You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop? It's me, Bertie! Um, I might have been wrong about some things, um, some Berkley things.

Hey, the screaming stopped.

I knew she'd run out of gas.

"My bad"?! - What? "Let's be friends, 'kay"?! You couldn't even write out "okay"?! It's go time, Nick.

Time to break out that burp cloth.

Jess, let's give him some space by going to a motel.

I don't love you.

I got a slight beer buzz.

Let's do it.

Yeah, don't go.

I thought you wanted me to talk to her.

Don't go right now.

I'm sorry.

You don't love me? Say it again? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh What?! Then why have you led me on for ten years? Oh, hell on Earth no! Oh, my God, I was right.

He wants to bone you.

Oh, come on, Nick! Caroline, I'll be right there.

I'm so sorry, Berkley.

You got cut off.

Thank you, sir.


May, 2004.

You brushed my hand at Dave Matthews concert - during "Two Step.

" - "Two Step"? - Oh, my God.

Or that time that I helped you move, and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants.

You couldn't stop staring at my rig.

She loves looking at rigs.

Why are you calling it a rig?! You're doing it again.

One second, Caroline! Open this door! You think I wear this sweater because I like it? It's a handsome sweater.

That's right, I love you.

No! What do you mean, no? Ooh! Open the door! Come on! Schmidt? You said to me that I was incredible and you were so lucky, and now here we are, we're trying to hook up Nick with his ex-girlfriend.

I mean, that's what this is, right? No, it isn't.

That's not what So let's just do it, come on.

Hey, hey, - Berkley, Berkley! - Oh, no! - No, no! - No, what are you doing? - Oh, no.

'Kay! - Oh, hey! - Car-o-line.

Yeah You stole my boyfriend.

Schmidt? Be right there! That should buy us some time.

Coach, you stay with your girl who thinks that you're me in my bedroom.

Winston, you stay in the guest room with Bertie doing whatever the hell it is you guys are doing.


I'm gonna keep Sarah Almost there! I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room, using one of the living-dining-open-floor-plan bang spots.

Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney.

Capeesh? Confirm my capeesh! Capeesh! - Let's go.

Do it.

All right.

Guys, guys! - Right.

This is the exact type of baloney that I'm talking about.


Guys, guys! I'm really glad that we're doing this.


All right.

I did not steal your boyfriend.



Okay, um you and Nick break up.

London has a great Olympics.

Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.

Board up your windows.

Superstorm Sandy.

Hey, over here.

Me and Nick get together.

And here's that beautiful Sunday in the park that you and I went to, and we have a wonderful Sunday.

Shut up, Berkley! - No, you shut up, Jess.

Don't take this out on Jess.

Oh, oh, right, it's the beginning, so you're being all supportive now.

He's still trying.

I mean, I bet he's still laughing at all your jokes, right? Well I have a great instinct for comedy.

All right, well, you know what, you enjoy all that while it lasts, because I'll tell you what.

It's not gonna be long before he stops holding your hand and starts high-fiving you and he stops letting you be the little spoon and he starts drifting off during important conversations.

Are you listening right now? What's that? - Seriously, Nick? - Jess, you're the girlfriend now, but one day you're gonna be the ex.

And two years after he breaks up with you, he still won't tell you why.

Um, okay, well, um this has been a really, um, neat talk, so, um I'm gonna go sit in the shower, and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind.

I'll just be right here, picturing the whole sudsy thing.

Hey, hey, ho, I'm right here.

How about a little respect? I know.

What, you This is obviously happening.

No, it's not! Where's your brain? Hey, Jess, you okay? No.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I've led a very fortunate life.

Look, Jess, you were right.

No, you were right.

I feel like such a fool.

You were right about everything.

No, I wasn't.

Caroline deserves to know why I left.

And you should hear, too.

I'm thirsty! Stop! Let me go, boy! - No, no, no, come, come Whoa! Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you? Schmidt.

What? Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch.

That's not necessary.

I mean Who's Frank Scabopolis? Aren't you Schmidt?! I-I am Schmidt.

I thought you were Schmidt.

I am Schmidt.

Uh Uh, w-we're brothers.

We are, we're-we're brothers.

What an upbringing that was.

Yeah, same mom, different dads.

One browner.

Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis? Yeah.

I am Frank Scabopolis! Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan.

Winston, please shut up.

Plan? What plan?! I there's no plan.

I know nothing about a plan.

Is this some little nasty group sex games y'all got going on up in here? Been a couple years, but I'm down.

I didn't want to know that.

I am out of here.

I'm way ahead of you.

No, no, please! Sarah, please, wait! I can ugh.

Just Well, I'm gonna go back to bed.

Schmidt, that mattress is heaven.

It's pretty good.

See? You don't think I'm scary, do you, baby? - Oh, whoa! - Oh! No.

Hey, no.

I was just kidding.


Hey, Caroline, there's something I need to say.

Nick, you don't have to do this.

No, I-I do.

Look, I never cheated on you, but I might as well have.

See, I fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door.

Boo! - Really? Sorry.

The moment I walked through the door? Really? 'Cause I thought I annoyed you.

Can we do this later, please? - It's just not a good - Yeah, okay.

Got it, yup.

Got it.

Caroline, she's the reason that I left.

I always thought that it was Jess.

I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Well Hmm.

Thanks for telling me the truth.

Oh, I'm just sorry it didn't happen sooner.

Don't touch me.

I'm so sorry.

I was kidding.

There's that famous Milwaukee humor.

I'm not from Milwaukee.

You honestly scare me.

Good-bye, Nick.



Look, Berkley, um, I'm so sorry that you got the wrong idea about us.

You were right.

I did play some part in it.

Thank you.

Good luck, Jessica.


See you later, bud.

I really don't want to go back to my wife.

Do you guys want to play cards or something - Go.

Just go.

Get out of here.

The moment I walked through that door, huh? Just be cool about it.

'Cause for me, it was way later.

Yeah, I know.

Like, a lot later Oh, come here already.

You could use that for something.

That's the "Glass Menagerie.

" - Yeah.

I'll sit her down right on top of that.

Oh, absolutely.

The, uh, "Star 68.

" Where's that at? - Right there on that pillow.



The "Jumanji.

" Yeah, you do the the "U Lock" on here.

That'd be cool.

The "Jean-Michel Basquiat.

" Oh, okay.

The "Fabric Softener.

" That's the "Kansas City Shaker.

" - This, right here? I like that.


Back there, that's the "Nia Vardalos.

" - Ooh.

That's nice, dude.


That one's "Sex on the Rug," which is and, again, it's pretty obvious.

But that's you know, why mess with a classic?

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