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  3x13 - Birthday
 Posted: 01/23/14 12:44
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That's so cute! Bum, bum, bum! Birthday Eve Cocktail.

Oh, my God.

You're my favorite bartender.

Thank you! Oh, my God.

What is that? Is it not good? I'm still learning how to make drinks.

I'm better at shots.

Want a birthday shot? I think I'm good.

So, any special birthday plans? No, she's just gonna go to the movies alone, as usual.

No, I'm not, actually.

Uh, this year Nick asked me to spend the day with him.

That's so sweet.

I mean, what are you gonna do? Something special? Maybe.

You know, whatever Nick wants to do.

I'm not really a birthday person.


I do have a lot of expectations for people.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God.

"Made in China"?! Are you taking me to China?! And that's why, a long time ago, I decided that I would spend my birthday alone at the movies.

It's just safer, you know? No getting your hopes up, no getting let down.

Well, I know how you feel about movies.

I mean, my parents took me to see Witness and then they never came back.

What? - I can really quote that movie though.

"Be careful out among them English.

" But enough about me! I am talking your ear off, lady, and it's your birthday.

This year's gonna be different.

Maybe Nick has something big planned, maybe not.

I'm gonna be chill.

No expectations.

Low maintenance.

No maintenance.

I'm just gonna be one of those cool girlfriends, like in the movies.

She just, like, has bed head and she wears, like, men's shirts and she's just like, "Yeah, cool.

"I'll wear, like, men's shirts and, like, sneakers and stuff.

And, like, I don't care about how I look.

" Hey.


She has no idea about the party.

Uh, Winston's STD-free.

Whew! It was a close call.





Close call, y'all.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

Do you guys know how hard it's been for me to keep this party a secret? Nick, it's been an inspiration, and that's why we're gonna help you cross that finish line, okay? This is our Rudy.

Very condescending but thank you.

Right on.

All right, team check-in.

Coach, where we at with decorations? - I forgot.

Wait, what? Psych! I'm the best at stuff.

I don't forget stuff.

First place! Wait.

Why are you first place? I dominated on cake patrol.

And thank you for getting that cake.

You don't have to add the "patrol.

" Decorations beats cake.

Uh, no.

Cake definitely beats decorations.

Oh, really? Let's do a word association game, okay? - Yeah.

I'm in, I'm in.



Wait, what'd I say? Okay, Schmidt, are you ready to transport all electronics to the party venue? By "electronics," you mean this itty-bitty flash drive that I can fit in my pocket and that is light as air? I need a verbal confirmation.

You insult me.


Cece, you ready to cover my shift tomorrow with Mike? Born ready.



You're giving your Saturday to Cece? That's cool.

That's really wonderful.

Can you tell I'm being sarcastic? - Absolutely.

Yeah, it's pretty clear.

I'm ready.

You set fire to soda water.

Who does that? How do you even possibly do that? It's not a flammable thing.

It's not even Are you a witch? Mike I hate all of you hipsters so much Okay, and I'm gonna be on Jess Watch.

I'm gonna make sure she doesn't see anything that will ruin the surprise of this party that has taken everything from me, emotionally and physically and financially.

So what do you have planned for the day? A big surprise party.


Right, but before then.

The party's at 7:00.

What do you have planned b-before that? - Wait - Nick, you need a plan, okay? I don't care what Jess says.

She's going to expect something.

I have to plan a birthday before the birthday? The whole day is the birthday.

This is a very big deal.

This is your first birthday together as a couple.

All right, you know what? It's gonna be okay.

It's her birthday.

That girl's gonna want to sleep in.

My day is not starting till noon.

This is the time I was born.

I'm wide awake.

It's my birthday.

My day started earlier than I thought.

I got to slow down breakfast.

What's going on with you guys? Nick, first of all, blessings.

Um, second of all, there may have been a possible mix-up with the cake.


"See You in Hell, Boomer"? Oh, my God What part of you thought this was Jess's cake? I thought it was an inside joke.

I'll do the cake.

No, I am the cake patrol.

Both of you do the cake.

I'm considering this problem solved.

Hey, speaking of problems, do you want me to go check up on Cece at the bar today? I don't think that's necessary.

All right, I'll do it.

But you owe me one, bro.

I need to make a 90-minute omelet.

I love my birthday breakfast.

I can't believe you were gonna make this all yourself.

It would've taken you hours.

I know.

And with your help, it took six minutes.

I know.

I'm so fast.

What do you say we go into my bedroom and, uh, slow things down? Ooh.


That's the fastest it's ever taken.

I know.

You just look very pretty.

So, you want to take a long nap? Oh.

Um If that's what you have planned, then, yes, let's take a long nap.


Maybe for, like, six, seven hours? Hmm It's just such a nice day outside Yeah.

Um, so let's take, uh let's take this party outside.


Next up on the agenda is it's lunch.

It's 8:30 in the morning.

Oh, my God, it's so early.

What are you doing here, Schmidt? Nick thought you might need some help.

Yeah, well, I don't, okay? So you can go.

Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit.

Double-tap some Insta-G's.


Oh, hey, Mike.

I cleaned the glasses.

Oh, wow, a bunch of broken glass in the ice tub.

That'll be fun for me to clean up.

I'm sorry.

Um I'm not gonna cover for you like Nick does, okay? I promise you that.

And don't make eyes at me because it's not gonna work because I'm super gay.

When I look at you, I just see You know, it's fine, but it's bumpy, it's creepy.


Doesn't do anything.

It's like looking at this, it's like a it's-it's-it's-it's-it's it's not o it's not a good it's not good.


This, all this, everything you got, eh.

Three out of six.

Damn shame about that cake, Winston.

Looks like someone dominated their party task.

"Coach, where are all the kazoos?" All over your face.

I'll pick those up.

Or maybe in my spare time I'll make a cake.

Just back off, Coach.

What's up, Nick? - How's the cake situation? - Cake's good.

Can I just see the phone? - Can I see the phone really quick? Got it.

Dude, get Hey.

Cake's good, man.

I'm on top of it.

So, how's your plan working out? Okay, I have no plan.

I'm just winging it, okay? I panicked and took her to a drugstore.

She's getting a free diabetes test.

I don't know where to take her.

Is it safe to bring her home? - Hey.

Oh! The birthday girl! I got the test.

My blood sugar is normal.

Already? You did that all that already? - Yeah.

Birthday girl gets, all your favorite Next activity.

I see what you're trying to do here, man.

You're trying to show me up.

What are you talking about, Bish? I'm referring to basketball.

When we used to play back in the day, no matter how open I was, you never passed me the ball, you never let me shoot.

You just couldn't stand to let me shine.

Your nostrils are flaring so much right now, it's distracting.

I'm done letting you run the court.

I'm building my own court.

And it's gonna be bigger and yummier than yours.

Are you challenging me to a bake-off, Bish? Yes, I am challenging you to a bake-off.


Well, then, I'll do the countdown.

You know what? I'll do the countdown then.

The countdown begins when this timer goes off.

You set the timer for 20 minutes.

I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be, like, "Ew.

Why do you say moist? I hate that word.

" I'm gonna be, like, "Just taste the cake.

" And they're gonna be, like, "Damn, it's moist!" And - Bake! - Okay, bake! - I said it first.

I said it first.

I said it first.

I said it first.

A customer ordered an old-fashioned, and she got gin in a mug with a peanut in it.

I'll fix it.

Make me an old-fashioned right now, or I'm gonna call the manager.

And I want to talk to him anyway, because he's just gorgeous.

I want to be a barnacle on his ship.

Just hanging on by my mouth, getting all the nutrients I need.

Okay, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned.

If it's old-fashioned, it probably has something like - absinthe - Oh, the old-fashioned.

One of my favorite drinks; a classic cocktail.

Just a half ounce of simple syrup.

Splash of water, two dashes of bitters.

Mix that up with some ice.

And then, you know my personal favorite.

You know, and just, far be it from me, but the bourbon whiskey.


Two ounces of bourbon whiskey.



It's not the Scotch whiskey.

It's No, it's certainly not the vermouth.

Vermouth would be insane.

Yes, the bourbon whiskey.

My favorite.


Look at that.



Old-fashioned? Oh, my stars and garters, you made a drink.

Holy crud.

Yes, Nick! I have the electronics! Do you know any, like, time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park? Gross! Suicide? Schmidt, please.

I need some a Well, just figure it out, dude! - Oh, it's my mom.

Okay, um, found the biggest rock I could carry.

It was this one.

Um - It's heavy.

It's huge.

Yeah, heavy.

Oh, my God.

Um what are we doing here? It's not that I'm not having fun, 'cause I am.

It's okay if you didn't plan anything for my birthday.

Are you kidding?! Really, Nick.

Not only did I plan something, but my plan's about to blow your mind.


You need to trust me a little bit.

'Cause everything is about to be made very clear - very soon.

Oh, my God! What? Nick! - You're the best.

I'm amazing.

I'm so surprised! - I'm so surprised.

This is amazing! - It's amazing! - This is amazing! Yay! - Oh, son of a bitch! - Oh! - Don't touch anything! - It'll ruin the surprise! Yeah.

Yay! - Yes.

Yeah! - Yay! - Hey, Jess, let's get out of here - before anything ruins this perfect moment.

Ooh! I wouldn't t Wait because we've got a whole, uh, ceremony.

No! That lady took my birthday! What is happening? - Jess! Look, look, I'm sorry, Jess.

No, no, no, Nick, I just I don't know why I get so crazy about birthdays.

You know, it's crazy, 'cause you had a very fun day put together.

Eggs and sex and and a really long uphill walk.

And, um look, um, that's amazing for you, you know? For me? You're not a guy who plans things.

Maybe I am.

Look every day, you show me, in your own way, how you care about me.

Like when you pick up rubber bands on the sidewalk.

For your ponytail.

I could not be more fine.

I'm super chill.

I'm just gonna go home for a second.


Jess, let's keep Jess! Don't follow me.

Sure you know how to tap a keg? - How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud.

It's the drink of idiots.


Nick told me something about - Cece, look, I got I got it.

Ooh, there's a knob back here.

I got it in.

He told me if I turn this, I shoulde able to - Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, no! - Turn it off! - Oh, sorry! It's just - Turn it off! Oh.

You butt hole.

You can't do anything right, can you? I'm so sorry.

He's right, though.

I can't do anything.

No skills.

I told you this, but I didn't even graduate high school.

A lot of people never graduated high school.

Okay-- Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank.

I'm gonna take back that last one.

Why did I think that I could bartend? Because you can.

You are strong, and you are confident.

Those are skills.

Use them.

And be a little bit meaner to the people here.

It should be easy for you.

Just pretend that they're me.

You're right.

That is easy.

And pull your shirt down a little bit.

This isn't a monastery.

Do not push your luck with me.

I'll look away.

You're wearing paper towels.

Behind! No it's an environmental-friendly, recyclable apron.

Behind! Behind! - Okay, real really? Okay.



Behind! - Behind! Behind.

Whoa! Behind! - Behind you! Behind! - Behind! Behind! - Oh, so you - Behind! - Behind! - Whoa! Behind.

In front.


What's this? It's Jess! - Oh, my God.

I mean, it's Jess! Hey! What's up, girl? What you - doing home? - I'm great.

I'm great.

Hide the cake.

Hide the - I'm great.


How's your day going? Going good? - You're crying? - Oh.

I'm taking - Um - I got mine off first.

No, you didn't.

Rest up over here.

What a day, guys.

Really long, huh? - Yeah.

Bet you had a long day, huh? I'm really fine.

It had a real day, you know.

I'm disappointed in Nick.

Yeah, you got to let that out, you know, 'cause But I'm disappointed in myself because I'm disappointed in Nick, you know.

Oh, I feel you.

Yeah, that's messed up.

Yeah, let it out.

Let it out.

I'm getting up.

Oh! Jess - No, no, no Hey.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Want you to close your eyes, breathe deep, and go to the most magical place on earth-- your imagination.

Have you guys been baking? Ah, nah.

Bakery downtown exploded.

Don't look into it.

It's not on the Internet.


She is here.

What happened? She doesn't think I can do anything or plan anything, and it feels like crap.

Maybe she's right.

Why did I think I could pull this off? I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack.

And I haven't arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history.

I wasn't building a bomb! I was just curious.

Nick, you got a whole team of friends pulling for you, okay? Just get yourself home.

You can still pull this off.

Hey, Mike.

-What? - So I cleaned out the beer trap, I polished all these wine glasses, and I turned that penis graffiti in the bathroom into a whimsical hat.

Now my friend and I have to go to a party.

All right, Schmidt, let's go.

You called me your friend.

Did I? And now, look, no matter what we see in here, I just want you to know that it's been an honor working with you.

You, too, man.

Oh Wow, look at that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

Our, uh cakes merged.

Looks as if they have.


Well - Hey! - Aah! - Ah.


Team check-in.

Where we at? Our cake became double cake.


Two cakes.


Two cakes became one? - Two cakes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Fantastic, I'll go get Jess.



Hey, Jess.

Hey, guys! What's up, man? She's at the movies.

This might actually work.

At the what? - Come on! More, more.


Uh and, okay.

I think we're good.

Same to the second one.

Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick.

You obviously knew that.

Um, I know this is where you always go on your birthday to be by yourself, but I thought this year you might want a little company.

Mind if I sit? Look under the seat.

Now please read the card, I'll wait.

How did you know I was gonna be sitting here? I put one under every seat, - but you got to go fast, 'cause of the timing.


"My name is Jess, I like to wear tights.

It's dark in this room, so let's turn on the lights.

" Surprise! Whoo! That's enough.

Timing, guys, timing.

In the beginning, there was nothing, and then there was light and dark and oceans and birds and stuff and then there was Jess! Nick? This was the plan all along? What do I think of when I think of Jess? When I think of Jess.

Okay When I think about Jess I think of how sweet she is and how smart she is.

uh, is glasses and the hair thing.

think of dance parties and sleepovers Jess does not like being tackled.

The eyes, two eyes.

Happy birthday, Ms.


Your youthful exuberance exhausts me.

May it fade with each passing year.

Well, she made me try papayas.

That was cool.

They're super soft inside.

Jess is the upstairs lady.

There is a there is a ma You make mistakes.

Happy birthday to my best work friend.

Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry.

I just feel like we drifted apart after Jeremy's cocaine thing.

It was awkward.

"When the stirrups of life start to feel like the speculum of old age" Nick, I'm not reading this.

Happy birtay, Jess.

Your boyfriend is sweet and simple and will not get out of my waiting room.

I saw a squirrel once.

It looked like Jess.

Then it attacked my sister, So I had to beat it with a stick, and then it didn't look like Jess anymore.

Happy birthday.

It's Bearclaw.

Birthday Winston is about to do some He said a bunch, but it was really weird and racist.

Happy birthday, Ms.


Yay! What I remember most of all is the pain.

Honestly, it was 36 hours-- more than that-- of just searing, ripping, and then Out you came, the most beautiful, beautiful little baby I ever saw in my life.

And I forgot all the pain.

When you were born, I got a deli sandwich at the hospital cafeteria.

And then there was a baby.

Happy birthday to my oldest and my best friend.

Happy birthday, Ms.


Happy birthday.


Happy birthday, Jess.

Happy birthday, Jess.

Happy birthday from Bearclaw.

I love you.

Happy birthday.

Happy, happy birthday.

You have a cool boyfriend.

This is the coin I had in my pocket the first night we kissed.

And I always have it.

Happy birthday, Jess.

Happy birthday to you Cha, cha, cha.

Happy birthday to you Ooh, ooh Happy birthday dear Jess Um hmm, where'd Where'd she? Where'd? Hey, Jess, I'm so sorry.

That was cheesy, embarrassing.

I didn't have great talent to work with.

Winston was terrible.

It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

And I'm sorry.

Shh, shh.

It's starting.

Happy birthday, Jess.

That was so stupid, dude.

Oh, what is wrong with you? Ashamed of yourself.

Come on, Schmidt.

Quit it.



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