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  3x11 - Clavado En Un Bar
 Posted: 01/09/14 20:20
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Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys.

It's not raining today.

It hasn't rained in months.

Shh, don't ruin the moment.

There's actually a huge forest fire.

Dude, you should turn on the news.

This is a 15-year-old French oak reserve.

Mm! A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky.


Hunting, fishing, shooting, fatherhood, bonding, sadness.

Please don't leave me.

Cheers, guys.

Put 'er there Schmidty.



To a nice quiet evening.


This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it "Tim Duncan.

" I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! - Whoa.

Yeah! That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.

It tastes disgusting.

I don't like it.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

So, obviously, Nick has told you about how I've been volunteering at the Children's Museum, and really hitting it off with the head curator, Candace, right? In my way, I have.

I've never heard that.

Hasn't said a word.

Thank God.

Come on.

Guys, give me one second.

I gotta go play a round of "Car Keys Monte" with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive home.

So, anyway, about a month ago, Candace calls me and tells me there might be a full-time fund-raising position opening up - and I'd be perfect for it.

There we go, look for the keys, look for the keys, look for the keys.

And she keeps pushing me for an answer, and I keep putting her off.

I say, "Thank you very much.

I'm very flattered, but I already have a job.

Me teacher.

" That's a grammar joke.

You get it.

Look at the jukebox for a sec.

When I think of teachers, I think of two things: Jessica Day and pornography where the characters are teachers.

Well, of course I've always wanted to be a teacher, but my school's a disaster.

Justice Brandeis believed that Ms.

Day? Education's Principal Foster, everybody! Thank you so much.


Day, we have hit a construction hiccup - in our renovation, so - Okay.

everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space.

What? - Oh.

Hey, do you have a freezer or should I flush these frogs? My check comes either way.

Oh, come on.

Foster's sticking us with the math kids that use letters instead of numbers? Do you mean algebra? I guess.

Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh? I'm sorry? Months? Right.

Years if the bond issue fails.

Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future.

Anti-future? Who's anti-future? I don't know.

The Amish? The dying? Television industry, print media, record industry, railroad industry, karaoke machine owners.

You got this? I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

So my phone rings - Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.

No, I'm talking about work.

So your phone rings.

And it's Candace officially offering me the job! And I told her I'd think about it! Wow, you not being a school teacher? Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what, you've pressed it.

I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.

Look, I've been a teacher my entire life, and I've always wanted to be a teacher, but maybe I should be doing something else.

I don't know.

How do you know when you're on the right path? It's crazy.

That wasn't a rhetorical question.

Oh! - Oh! What I like to do is just take a drive up PCH maybe.

Willy Wonka once said Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00 to find out my final answer! - Whoa! - What? I'm sorry you're in such a pickle.

But I'm not sorry that I get to time something! - All right.

Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00.

I'm not sure this is helping.

This brings a whole new level of tension to the whole situation.

Yeah, because you're being timed now.

You time a lot of stuff, Coach.

46 seconds.

This is a life-changing decision, that's it.

Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always? You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights? - Yes.

Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them.

They're pornographers, but they're also a family.

my round ass! Jess, choosing a career path is never easy, but what I found - Oh, my God.

Shut up, dude! She's looking for career advice.

Your job could be done by a vending machine.

Guys, don't be mean.

So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.

I mean Or is it the most traditional? Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution.

Guys, as you all know, I am the expert at changing career paths.

Is this something we're now bragging about? No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision to quit playing the game of basketball.

Jess, I will tell you this, it was not easy.

It all began back Come on, Winston move it along.

Okay, Jess, fine, but don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life.

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! Ha-ha! Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys.

We didn't watch you play.

We watched you sit.

Which was still fun.

You know, any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys? Yeah, I haven't played all year.

They barely let me practice, but you know, like I always say, How about them Lats? So that's when you decided to change course.

That makes sense.

So my takeaway from that is Still building to the decision.

You are traded to Kraslava City.

The Outdoor League? Man, they play on a hillside! I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket, better.

Aha, and then you decided Ah! I'm going fast! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You never play basketball again.

Don't touch it.

Stop it.

And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball.

Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it.

I mean, that's what I did.

That's the thing, you didn't walk away.

You decided nothing.

That story contains zero decisions.

Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball when my doctor told me I had to stop.

Okay, okay, all right, I it was my decision Mm-hmm.

to start to play the game of basket You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born.

Damn, do I even like basketball? I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant? All right, good job, buddy.

Really good.


You know, if I may be so bold Oh, Nick, please.

Winston, have a seat.

I was literally about to give advice.

She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, she does not need to hear another.

What she needs to hear is my story.

All right.

A story of hard choices.

A story of paths taken.

A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!" Ah, you stupid bast The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook.

It all began back - Come on, Schmidt! What? Only one story in the whole wide world can begin in a hospital? I volunteered a lot in college.

But I shone brightest as a candy striper.

Sick people wanted me.

Dying people wanted to be me.

I was the total candy-striping package.

And yet I remained invisible to the one whose gaze I desired the most.

Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark.

Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse, but as far as I was concerned, it said "NILTH," "Nurse I'd Like To Hug.

" Not even the baggiest of scrubs could hide her splendid form.

Where's a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh? I don't volunteer.

I'm a man.

I have a job in marketing.

Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing.

So I got a job any dumb slob could do.

Relax, man, it's your first day.

For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees.

Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, but I could also sell like the wind.

Because I understood one fundamental truth.

When you're buying Christmas trees you're really buying sex.

Have you always been short? I've always been fat.

But who cares how God made you? Don't let him put you in a skin box.

At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy standing here in front of a short guy telling him that I think we found his tree.

It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, Christmas tree king of Syracuse, inventor of triple netting.

However In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel Billy Joel is definitely alive.

And he's definitely not a knight.

"The good, they do die young.

" As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin' left 'Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long That even my mama thinks That my mind is gone, but When you're on your deathbed, when your life has been lived, you're never gonna say, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family.

" Because money and everything it buys, you can take it with you Interesting, money.

Actually the museum job pays more than the teaching job.

Wait, the m Then what the hell are we talking about here, you guys? Done deal, case closed.

Follow them ducats.

It's not always about the money, Schmidt.

Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.

And Candace is insanely punctual.

You know, one of the best career choices of the future Driveways.

You're welcome.

Jess, the museum job pays more.

All right - The decision has been made for you.

No, no, no.

You don't know the difference between more and less.

Don't you? - Yes, Schmidt.

All of my decision's have been made for me.

I'm only in sports radio because I played professional basketball.

I played professional basketball because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby.

What if somebody gave Baby Winston a flower? Then what would I be? - Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer.

Oh, does water shoot out of the flower? If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian.

Wait, guys, this is classic after 6:00 topics.

Look, I There has to be more to this than money.

I really want to care about what I do.

Don't you ever miss getting your hands dirty - and selling? - I've moved up in the world.

I'm not freezing and covered in sap.

I'm making spreadsheets.

It's like Old Man McCue used to say.

The reward is in the destination.

It's not in the journey.

Was he wise or was he senile? Because he's mixed up a lot of really well-known sayings.

Jess, you're gonna want to listen to me.

Anyone else here named after their career? People call you Markety? Not yet.

That's too bad 'cause that's awesome.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hands up, Ulvis! Ball screen, Vlad, come on! There we go, yes! Bishop, finger out of your nose, now! Ernie's a really good coach.

Maybe we should call him Coach.

We should probably call him You do it first.


Uh Coach.

That's a great name! High five! Yeah! I think you see what I mean.

No, I do I really don't.

My point is don't overthink it, Jess.

The call's coming from inside the house.

What? Be who you are.

And do what you do.

What if I don't know who I am? And you know, I'm capable of doing a lot of different things.

Then you are on your own.

Good stuff, Coach.

Jess, would it help to think about your first day as a teacher? Like, I think about the first time I ever poured a drink - Boo, get off the stage! - Aw, man.

Nick! - Dude, stop.

No, that's interesting.

The first day I ever taught.

Portland Country Day.

Five-team Pacific Northwest squash champions.

Go, Rhododendrons! Now, if I was chalk, where would I be? If I were chalk, where would I be? Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive.

Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass because I'm new.

Well, guess what? I'm new, too.

I got lost trying to find the upper dining garden.

Oh, that's over by the hedge maze and the stables.

I haven't even met my horse yet.

Come on, let's get you cleaned up.

All of these jackets have cash in the pockets.

It's like a $50,000 lost and found.

Here, try this one.


You look great, Clifton.

This doesn't fit! Eddie Pascucci beats up the unstylish! Yeah, that's right.

We had an ethnic, gay bully.

He's gonna have to come through me first.

Clifton Collins really just needed someone to believe in him.

So I started tong him in math, and he became the best math student in school.

So, let's look him up and see how happy and successful and amazing he's doing.

Yeah! - I think that'll really fire you up.

All right, there's no trace of him.

What? - I'm really, I'm really good at this.

I'm good at it, let me see.

You found him.

He's right here.

No, I didn't.

Here's Clifton, wow.

It's not a - Yeah, he's right there.

That's Clifton.

Oh, yeah.

We're not the only ones looking for him.

So's the FBI.

What? - Yeah, he's a criminal.


Oh, my God.

Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins? Wanted for 53 counts of embezzlement.

Sounds like the math took.

Screw me.

Like, I Maybe I wasn't even reaching the kids at all.

Okay, you know what? - Miller up.

Excuse me? That's just like "fill 'er up," but with "Miller.

" - Don't.

'Cause I'm about to fill you up.

No, that's gross.

With my stories.

Oh, please don't.

That's disgusting.

What's disgusting about it? My first year of law school, I made an important discovery.

Look left.

Look right.

Next year, one of you will be gone.

What a cliché, huh? Oh, you wrote that down.

You'll be gone.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be right here.

Take it easy, guy to my right.

I discovered that I hated being around these people.

But second year, I made another discovery.

I hated being around myself.

So my third year, I wanted to find a place where I belonged.

Where I could look to my left or look to my right and like what I saw.

Love you in that scarf.

Why don't you wear scarves anymore? That place? Perhaps you guessed it: This very bar.

Get out of town.

What a twist.

How long has that guy been there? Kevin-97? Since 1997, Jess.

Why else do you think we would call him I don't know.

Move it along, Miller.

True, I wasn't loving law school, but my grades were fine and I even signed up for the California State Bar.

And then, one day Red over-served himself and everything changed.

So you went behind the bar, quit law school, you became a bartender - There's more to it than that.

Two minutes! Oh, my God.

I honestly don't know what to do.

I have so little time.


Cece! Have you ever questioned your entire career? Duh, I'm a 31 year old model.

My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling.

Tell me what to do.

And don't tell me to ask the guys, because I already tried that.

And also, don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton.

Okay, no, wait.

Your first student was not Clifton.

Lady, she's still got one minute.

That was a butt dial from your mother.

She is up to no good.

Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard.

You have 53 seconds.

You okay? Yes.


I think I need glasses unless crying makes your eyes not work.

I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it.

Crying makes your eyes work better.

After I finished Sophie's Choice, I could see in the dark for a week.

Here's what I do when I lose mine.

Ooh, this is interesting.

Get in here, we'll learn it together.

But everyone'll laugh at us.

They can drive it or milk it as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know what that means.

I heard my dad say it.

My dad just died.

Well, if you want to come over, and listen to mine say "They can drive it or milk it" you can.

He's also got one about the turds in City Hall.


I'm Cece.


I was your first student.

Hey, Candace.

Um Yeah, actually I'm not gonna take the job.

Yeah, I'll see you Sunday.

Okay, bye.

Yeah! - Whoo! - Thanks guys.

Yes! - Thanks guys.

You did it.

Good stuff.

Hey, she did it.

You made the right call, Jess.

What's wrong? I think you're right.

I made the right decision.

Look, I know it's hard, but the hard is what makes it good.

Uhm, A League of Their Own - Is that from A League of Their Own.

Yes, of course.

All of my quotes are from a sports movie.

You guys don't know them, and so they seem original.

A League of Their Own is not a sports movie.

It's a sports movie, first and foremost.

It's about sisterhood and the war.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's about a baseball team grinding it up.

This used to be my playground Coming right up.

His sister really worries about his drinking, so what I do is I come in early, and I soak a teabag until the water turns brown and looks like booze.

I call it tea-water.

So tea.

I will take a big old glass of booze-water.

Got an antacid commercial tomorrow - Oof.

and I'm playing day-old curry.

Or you can bartend.

You can bartend till you're 90 years old.

Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97? Oh, no.

We're gonna work on that.

Good morning, everybody.

Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.

Turn in your equations, and you will get a frog.

Dissect carefully, because inside the frog is the name of the city council member who you will be e-mailing to restart construction.


Day? - Yes.

I thought this was gonna be a disaster.

But thanks to you, I can go upstairs to the big boys and tell them they can always depend on Dr.

Alan Foster.


Please take his job, I'm begging you.

I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test.

So I figure if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal? - That's great.

I don't see why not.

Thank you.

Then you could take me to the principal's office and punish me - for being tardy, and - You know we're right here, right? Just lift up my britches and - We'll talk about it later.


Very nice.

We'll do it in my office.

After I fill up my juice box.

So, guys, just quit my job today.

Whoa, big decision.

Oh, man! - What? I just finally said to myself, "It is time to make your own decisions.

" - Right on.


If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back.

They would they would not like to have me back.

I burned a lot of bridges today.


Uh, stuff got weird.

Stuff got racial.

What? - I used a lot of swearwords.

Then I got sexual Well, sounds like you need a drink.

On the house.

What can I get you? - Ooh Let me get a, let me get a We have everything.

What would you like to drink? But you know, I'll make the decision.

Let me get - Double amaretto, extra cherries! - Double amaretto, extra cherries! That's what I was gonna say.


Oh, dear.

Oh, my goodness! My first shift, you know? I'm still working on it.

She's getting better.

That was great.

That was awesome.


A natural.



Sorry I didn't let you finish your story.

What's this? - The end of my story.

No way! You passed the bar exam? I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school because I wanted to be a bartender, not because I couldn't be a lawyer.

This also says "spaghetti sandwich.

" - That's just 'cause it's a great idea.

When I have a great idea, I write it down.

The point is is I want this.

You know, it makes me happy.

Well, here.

Now, can I get you a drink? - Sure.



To unemployment.



I see you're looking at a Douglas fir.

It's a beautiful tree.

We move a ton of these Dougie firs.

Love them.

But I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle.

Let's spruce this up.

Let me put you in a spruce today.

What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? By the way, there's no wrong answer.

You look like a confident man, you know that? You deserve a confident tree

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