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  3x10 - Thanksgiving III
 Posted: 11/28/13 08:17
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Nick! We need to talk.

Winston stays.

End of discussion.

No, dude.

I got your Thanksgiving invitation.

(music playing, turkey gobbling) - Did you make this? - Absolutely not.

He's announcing Thanksgiving! With his little trumpet, he's announcing the feast! It's so funny (laughing) (turkey gobbling) We should name that little guy Roger.

When your testicles fell off, did you form lady parts, or is it kind of like a Gonzo nose down there? It's really interesting.


You see, the thing is, my testicles haven't fallen off Right.

it's just the morning.

And my testicles do this really unique thing of burrowing when it's cold out.

You're burning me.

I gotta be real with you.


I know how a guy can get, like, lost in a relationship.

I've been there, dude.

You're snuggling, you're snuggling, you're snuggling, and then, bam! Next thing you know, you're wearing a jean skirt and a tube top with no panties on, because you guys said you were gonna dress up like each other for Halloween.

But she doesn't dress up like you.

But you still go to the party.

I could not be more sorry for you, but that's not my story.

Stand up.

Stand up? Yeah.


Are those Jessica's pajama bottoms? It's, uh football player pants for, uh, br-breast cancer awareness.

I like the way that they hug my gronk.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

JESS: Camping on Thanksgiving? It might be a crazy Nick idea, but I kind of like it.

I thought you hated camping and nature.

You said you were afraid a fly was gonna fly in your head and learn all your thoughts.

I am a man, and men belong in wilderness.

It really means a lot to me.

The only thing I care about is that we're all together.

And that we can all sit down together and have a nice dinner.

I 100% agree.

I think everybody's gonna love this idea.

Me, too.

Camping? - Like we're animals? - What the hell? Come on.

Hear him out.

Let's face it.

Our indoor Thanksgivings haven't been so great.

Turkey! Dead body! I think I'm into your mother.

So this can't be worse.

Thank you, Jessica, I got it from here.

All right.

This Thanksgiving, I want to honor the traditions of our forefathers.

The mighty Pilgrims and Native Americans who came together in order to survive.

Sure, yeah.

The first chapter in a proud history of cooperation.

It'll be the ultimate test of manhood and our survival skills.

It will? - WINSTON: How's this for a test of our manhood? We stay at home, we drink beer, we watch football.


I like that idea.

Winston, I'm talking about real men.

Me, too.

Men who fend for themselves.

You're the laziest man I know.

Okay, Jess, be honest with me.

Has he ever been on top? Real men are on the bottom.

No, they're not.

(laughing) - You're on the bottom - Guys, guys.

It's Thanksgiving.

We need to be together.

Who's in? Come on, guys! - All right, I'm in.

What? - Yeah, Schmidt! - Yes! Look, my parents were super divorced and they never took me camping, but I always thought that I'd be incredible at it.

Let's get ready.

WINSTON: What the hell is on your head, Schmidt? SCHMIDT: It's an exact replica of the hat.

Viggo Mortensen wore in Hidalgo.

Knew you'd like it.

(Jess chuckles) JESS: Wow! Nice job, Miller! This spot's beautiful.

NICK: I know.

Cece! - Cece's here? I didn't know she was gonna be here.

Yay, I'm so happy you came! (laughs) We're all together! - It makes me so excited.

Of course! I mean, what could be better than camping in the woods with my ex-boyfriend and his friend I just made out with.

With whom you just made out.


It's very important.

You know I hate that.


Grammar's important.

Seriously, don't.

If it get awkward, I'll come save you.

Happy Thanksgiving! JESS: Yay! (chuckles) Hey, what's up, girl? Hey, Cece.

(clears throat) Hey, I never, uh had a chance to ask you.

How did the, um How'd your guys' date go the other night? - Oh, with Cece? - Yeah.

Uh it was I loved it.

I mean, it was good.

It was cool.

That's great.



So where you thinking - about pitching, uh, pitching a tent? - Thinking over there.

Oh, yonder? - Yeah, sure.



Listen, I've been researching on the Internet for the past 12 hours everything there is to know about the wood.

Now I'm a I'm a master camper.

So if you need any help with anything, just come to me and ask, okay? (chuckling): Thanks, man.

I don't know anything about the wood.

I know everything.

I'm lost.

What is that, a tree? If these trees were skyscrapers, - you'd feel very comfortable.


I'd be right at home.

Unfortunately, - they're actual trees.

(chuckling): Yeah.

You're the best.

I love the hat! I'm sorry, is that a solar cell phone charger? Yeah, I can't go more than two days without it.

(quietly): Okay, hold on.

Do you do you hate camping, too? Are you kidding me? I absolutely hate camping.

Then why are we here? Because I didn't get a say.

I never get a say.

Whenever I want to do something, they don't give a hoot.

Guess who just got free passes to a pottery seminar.

Get out of here.

Winston! We could've made the craziest mugs, man.

(grunts) - Hey, Nick? - Yeah.

There's just beer in here.

That should last us for the first few hours, - actually.

Where's the food? Where-where are all the pies I made? Look, don't worry, Jess.

'Cause the food is right here.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand that gesture.

We're gonna be hunting and foraging for our dinner, just like the Indians and the Pilgrims.

But you brought beer.

You can't forage for beer.

And that's a necessity.

So this is Thanksgiving meal? We can do this.

Guys, we've gotten soft! With our antibiotics and our sports creams.

Do you think George Washington had a pet cat? Yeah.


He didn't.

He hunted them.

What? And he made milk and butter out of their spoils.

That's terrible.

So you're saying George Washington milked his cat? Nothing is sounding accurate right now.

Not at all.

Where'd you read this? I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.

It's gonna be hard.

But we will emerge out of this better friends and a tribe.

I'm on board.

(chuckles) Going old-school.

Men! Killing! Hunting! Men! SCHMIDT, COACH and NICK: Men! Men! Men! Men! Oh, my cowman's my cowman my cowman's hat, my cowman's hat.

WINSTON: Guys, look, I'm as much a man as anybody here, but this plan is straight-up dookie.

I need my sweets and I need my parade.

Yeah, you know what? I'm out, too.

Guys, guys, guys.


We're together.

We're a family.

It's Thanksgiving.

And I'm sure Nick has a plan.

Right? - Oh, yeah.

I've got a plan.


You got a plan? - The man's got a plan.

These wilderness guides right here detail what plants are safe for eating and what traps we can build.

Unfortunately, I ran out of money, so I couldn't print out the chapters on gutting and skinning, but we'll worry about that when we get there.

Pilgrim rules.

Men, hunters! Women, foragers.

I'm not hunting.

The only Hunt I want is Bonnie or Helen.

You know what I'm talking about, Coach.

What? Nick.

This is perfect.

Primal man in nature.

Stalking prey.

Who's basically the lady now, Coach? I've seen that tree six times in the past 20 minutes.

We're definitely moving in a small circle.

NICK: Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna clear a path this way.

We will travel northbound, I believe.

That's not north; that's south.

That is south? Then let's travel southbound.

I'm gonna clear a path.

If something's in there and you get injured, I promise you I will kill you fast.

(groans) Scat! Scat.

There's an animal nearby.

Hey, Schmidt, that's a raisin, man.

That's not a raisin.

This is scat.


(coughs) (clears throat) That's poop for sure.

I was right.

In your face, Nick.

In your face, Nick.

How so? I don't know, he put a put a turd in his mouth.

And that's in my face? - Yeah.

I don't think we should start eating poo yet, Schmidt.

Let's wait on that.

You want to chase that with some dirt? Does anyone have any gum? No.

Not that I wanted any in the first place.

That's a mighty big hole there, Nick.

You trying to catch a refrigerator? It's a bear hole.

Bear falls in, other stuff falls in.

We take what the bear doesn't want.

Makes sense.

Classic human/bear team-up.

I'm from Chicago.

It's the best I can do.

Yeah, bears love to share.

What are you planning on doing with that bear when he falls into the hole? Dude, I'm trying the best that I can! We have no food.

Let me explain something to you, Nick.

When you're building a trap, you want to customize it to your prey.

So, I don't know, if was trying to catch, say a squirrel, I'd want think like a squirrel.

Allow me to demonstrate with this trap that I built.

How do you get into the mindset of a squirrel? (clicking tongue) I'm a squirrel right? You do that really well.

Look at this! Oh, there's some nuts here.

Look at all these little nuts.

You might not want to do that.

If I needed your advice on how to lead a spinning class, I'd ask you, but this is my territory.

(Schmidt yells) - My scapula! - Dude, are you all right? Aah! Aah, get it off! Aah! (Schmidt groaning) Get it! Get up.

Keep breathing, man.

I don't mean to be laughing, but are you okay? I'm gonna make you a sling.

You're gonna make me a what? You don't know how to do that.

A sling.

Of course I do.

What? - What are you doing? - I was an Eagle Scout.

What are you talking about, you were an Eagle Scout? - Look.

That's actually really good.

I'm sorry, dude.

You wanted to be the best at camping.

You were so excited about your hat.

I didn't want to get in the way of that.

Plus with the whole Cece thing or whatever.

What are talking about? You're gonna let me be the best camper.

I am the best camper! Yeah.

I think this is chicory.

It says you can eat the root.

Or it's jasmine.

Which will kill you.


What do you guys think? - I'm sure it's fine.

Yeah, just eat it.

Hey, raspberries! There Ow! (laughs): Ow.

There are a lot of brambles in here.

There's a country store not far from here.

Ow! Three and a half stars.

The reviews say, "It's functional and dusty.

" - Ow! - Sounds good to me.

This is so fun.

Who wants to help? This plan is officially the worst.

We are starving.

Just admit, you don't want to do this, either.

Okay, listen up.

Only stuff we can find in the forest, right? Look at that fish.

It's perfect.

What? Oh, I'm gonna grab it.

I'm so hungry.

Now we get to eat, boys.

Dude, that looks dead.

Guys, stop being negative right now.

Laying on its side means it's dead.

I wouldn't get in that water, man.

You're gonna get beaver fever.

Where are my testicles now, Coach? When he catches that little critter, I'm gonna show you how to scale it.


That hurts? Yeah, it hurts! A boulder fell on my Is all this 'cause I teased you about the invite? Yes, it is! No regrets! (grunts) Aw! Aw, come on, Nick.

(yells) NICK: Yes! Quit it.

You guys might be right! It might be dead! In fact, it was dead! Smells fresh enough! Oh, come on, Winston, what? You just get your nails done? Get the apple dirty! Grind some dirt in it, grind some dirt in it.

God, I'm so hungry! Hey, hey! Hey.

Look what the men brought.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey! The plan worked.

Hey, he looks like a fighter.

He really was, kind of.

Oh, my God! - Wow.

I mean, well Whoa.

Like a smorgasbord.

You guys did great.

Yeah, we did.


Where'd you get the cashews? - Um, on a bush.


How about the beets? - Also a bush.

That's right.


The avocado? - Also on a bush.

That's right.

Well, look at us.

Living off the land, fending for ourselves.

We got fish and fruits, and this is probably gonna be the most delicious apple I've ever eaten in my life.

"Product of Oregon"? We walked to Oregon? - What? - What? That's why this cramp Yeah This place Come on, you think the three of us are true dumb-asses? We're not.

I kind of knew from the beginning.

I mean, there's no way.

You just went to a store and got all this? I think so.

I think they definitely bought everything from the store.

The one thing I wanted was for us all to sit down together and have dinner, and you can't do that without dinner.

We have dinner.

That fish kind of looks like hippo meat.

Come on, man.

Let's just sit down and eat some delicious almonds.

And enjoy ourselves.


And have a really nice Thanksgiving together.

Come on, Nick, let's eat.

Come on, man, let's eat.

I feel like how they must've felt on the first Thanksgiving.


What? Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, come on.

Nick, come on! - Don't do this.

FYI, the first Thanksgiving was the good one.

WINSTON: Come on, Nick! These avocados were expensive! Here we go.

It smells so good.

I can't wait till it's ready.

I'm gonna be so stuffed.

Ooh! The eyeball fell off.

That's how you know it's good.

They got to pop out when it's ready, I think.

Now that the cards are finally on the table, I guess we can see who the true camp master really is.

The answer's me.

First one to make a flame wins.

Let's do this.

Now, check this out.

This is how you make a flame.

You go with two rocks.

One against the other.

You create friction.

I'm done.

What? I'm done.

Well, that's barely a flame, it's going out.

Whoa! Well, goodness gracious! What are you? A sorcerer? Damn it! Hey, mountain man.

You want to come eat some dirty vegetables with us? I should've known those beets weren't from nature.

Nothing purple grows in nature.

Look, we didn't come through, okay? You came through! Look, you caught a fish! That's really, really impressive.

How'd you do it? With my bare hands.

No way! You're so strong.


Yeah, it was It fought What are you doing? I'm not doing anything.

I think that's amazing.

You provided for us.

You're a man.

Don't patronize me, Jess.

I'm not.

Ever since we started dating, Jess, we've been doing a bunch of girly stuff, and I like some of it and you, but my tolerance to alcohol has, like, gotten really, scary low.

I drank three beers, and I got, like, all giggly and tired.

And I didn't want a fourth.

Last night, I had a dream that I was brushing a horse.

I just feel like I'm losing myself a little.

Just let me eat this disgusting fish and - No, Nick, Nick.

Yeah, just let me be over here.

This is the most beautiful fish I've ever seen.

Don't touch I wouldn't touch it.

It is! It is.

Jess, don't Don't put your hands in Oh, my Lo Spit it out.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Fragrant.

Mmm, I can really I can really taste the lake.

Spit it out.

I feel like I'm there in the lake with the fish.

Mmm! Bony.

That's gonna hurt going down.

But I like it.

Hurts so good! Hurts so good! Jess, that fish was dead when I caught it.

There was a sock near it.

(suppressed gagging) I'm gonna come with you.


Jess, let me come with you.

Where are you going? There's something over here.

I'm gonna look at it.

Jess I'm seeing some interesting things.

I'm out of the office till Friday.

For immediate assistance, please call Deb at extension A.



(grunts) You guys see where she went? - No.


Jess? - Jess? - Jess? Jess! - Jess? - Jess? NICK: Jess? Jess! I just want to see more carpet samples before I make a final decision.

(gags) Jess! CECE: Jess? NICK: Jess! Jess, where are you? Jess! Jessica! NICK: Oh, God, this is all my fault.

And you know what, Coach? I did like the invitation.

I made it.

And I liked the little trumpet guy.

I thought he was cute.

He was cute as a damn button! - What? So many st Hey, guys, look.

There she is! There are dogs that have dollar signs but don't even own banks.

Jess, we're over here! - Jess! Wait, wait, wait.

I've seen that tree before.

Jess, stop! The bear trap! (gasps) - No! - I'm coming! Jess! Headfirst? Why? (Nick groans) (groans) Son of a (gasps) Oh, my God, Jess, I am so sorry.

I was an idiot.

This Thanksgiving plan was so stupid.

You shouldn't have eaten that fish.

I'm sorry.

Don't let them pay the bill, okay? You bring the check to me.

No arguments, moon man.

CECE: Oh, my God! Is anyone hurt? We're fine.

I may have cracked a few ribs, and, uh, Jess is delirious.

I think she thinks she's a rabbit.

Guys, we're gonna figure something out, all right? NICK: Just get us a rope or a stick or something.

All right, man, so, any ideas? What are you talk? You know what, Coach? Don't humor me.

What? - You know what to do.

Look, I admit it.

You're a better camper than I am.

You're better at life than I am.

You're probably better at dating Cece than I am.

I saw you guys the other night inhaling each other in front of the loft.

Schmidt, that's all we did.

That was it.

I asked her to come upstairs, she said no, okay? And now she won't return any of my text messages.

She's been ignoring me this whole trip.

I'm all, like, "Hey.

" She's like, "Mm-hmm.

" I'm like, "What?" Why are you smiling, dude? I'm not smiling.

I'm over here baring my soul to you, dude, and you're freaking smiling in my face.


This is the face I make when I listen.

All your teeth show when you listen? I'm not.

You're smiling right now.

I opened up to you.

You're pissing me off.

Stop smiling.

I'm not.

I will wreck you.

You're crazy, man.

You're nuts.

Stop it, listen to me.

We are going to solve this right now.

All right, take your pants off.

Okay, I am no Eagle Scout, but I know how to make a pants rope.

Pants rope.

You're a genius.

I know.


Are you gonna take off your pants? Yeah, right after I take off my bra so we can anchor the rope to the tree.

That's gonna happen for real? - Just take them off now.

(laughing): Whoa, look at Winston's pants.

It's got kittens on it.

These aren't kittens.

I cannot believe I'm here voluntarily.

So stupid.

Take them off.

They're coming off.

CECE: Here, you guys, grab hold of the rope.

Okay, you go first, Jess.

I'll be right behind you to support you.

Ding, dong, ding, dong! - What are you doing? Okay, how about this? Get on my back, I'll bring us both up.

Back at you.


(coughs) You can do it! There, hold this flashlight, buddy.

Grab hold.

(blows raspberry) - Come on, Nick! Come on.

Here we go! Oh, God, I'm gonna get you out of here.

(straining) Use your legs, Nick.

(grunting) Come on, Nick! Come on.

Ah, Winston, I hate your leggings.

Come on.

Almost there.

Let's go.

You got it, you got it.

You got it, you (straining) (all exclaim) (sighs) You chubby son of a bitch.


(groans) You okay, Jess, you all right? Yeah! - Yeah.


ALL: Oh! Hey.

Thanks for saving me, mountain man.

So I've got good news from the doctor: you don't have rabies.


You have, uh, giardia and something called Legionnaires' disease.

I'm just glad they were able to save your foot.

What? No, nothing.

Never mind.

(chuckles) Hey, I'm sorry about the whole camping thing.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Ah, I was really stupid.

I haven't been myself.

You're the man I want.

All you wanted was for everyone to be together on Thanksgiving, Jess.

Next year.

Potato chips.

Chips? Maybe a treat.

Listen, Coach, uh, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought maybe that I could give you some advice about about Cece.

How desperate do you think I am? I think you're probably very desperate.

I'm very desperate, I mean, she's giving me nothing.

Told her she looked pretty, she said thanks.


What kind of mind game is that? Look, Coach, things have always come easy to you.

Cece is not going to be one of those things.

I once spent hours in a car with just a cracked window for air.

She was going into a club and she just kind of left me there.

Why are you smiling about that? Hey, guys, I figured out a way to save Thanksgiving.

I got a plan.

SCHMIDT: Enough with the plans.

You suck at plans! Not another Nick Miller plan.

I love you, man, but you are terrible at plans.


It's still 11:48, so happy Thanksgiving.

What? Got us some Brazilian nuts, a couple of string cheeses, and.


Thank you.

WINSTON: I got the parade on my phone.


Made some decorations.

I think this may be a turkey sandwich, but I'm not sure, and I know this whole thing isn't It's perfect.

Look, guys, start without me because it might be a few weeks before I can eat again.

(all laughing) You were throwing up a lot.

(laughs) That was scary seriously.

Okay, I'm starving actually.

Let's eat.

Yeah, let's eat.

Nick found all this food in the woods.

(all laughing) Can I have the ginger ale? Yeah, Nick found that.

It's already open.

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