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  3x08 - Menus
 Posted: 11/13/13 23:33
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Ah, Hop Foo's, my favorite.

Don't mind if I brunch.

Are you eating takeout for breakfast? - Hey, you're my girlfriend now.

You're not supposed to judge anything I do.

Say that again.

You're my girlfriend now.

(both laugh) I like it.

Even when you have dumpling in your mouth.

Sounds good.

I have to go.

I have a big meeting with Principal Foster today.

I hate that guy.

He always says no to your ideas.

No, no, no.

Not this one.

This one is, uh, Ocean Conservation Day.

Why do you do this to yourself, Jess? So you're telling me to not even try? I just don't want you to be disappointed when he says no.

Look, maybe you should try to try a little less.

How am I supposed to try to not try? - That's a catch-22.

Oh, hey, Coach.

Oh, I dropped a dumpling! - That his breakfast? - Yeah.

Isn't it cute? - He's not even ashamed of it.

Oh I got it! It almost got away from me Aah! Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

Look, Principal Foster, we have the chance to do something really great.

Everything's been donated.

All we need are transportation costs.

(stammers) Come on! That's only the most expensive part of doing anything! You I'm sorry.

That was rude.

I slept very badly last night.

Had a chai tea very late.

Had friends in from Montreal.

Some of these kids have lived in L.


their entire lives and they've never even seen the ocean.

Last week I asked them to draw what they thought the ocean looked like.

I got a lot of stuff like this.

Is that a bagel with wings? - Yes, sir, it is.


I'm afraid I'm not taking no for an answer.

You're gonna have to take no for an answer because that's just the way it is.

Hmm, a shark with legs.

That's not even anatomically close to correct.

That's just a square, though.

Have them start over.

That's just terrible.

Nick? I want to talk to you about your fitness level.

Of what? My body? - When's the last time you worked out? You know what? I'll tell you when the last time he worked out was.

It was the time that he battled his daddy's other dumb sperm in order to make his way to his mama's dumb-ass egg.

Your burns are getting better, man.

Just really long.


Look, I don't need to work out.

I'm old-fashioned, Coney Island fat-strong.

Ah, Nicholas.

Chinese food for breakfast.

See you're still a health nut.

Aren't you supposed to be at work? - I'm rocking a PD personal day.

Yeah, last day of the move.

Coach, I see you've wasted no time moving into my old room.

Anyway, I just came over to, uh, drop off my old key.

Wow, so this is like a moment.

Looking to get some much-needed space from this place.

You're right across the hall.

That's true.

Everywhere you go There you are.

What? - COACH: What? - His jeans are so small.

NICK: He looks like a little puppet.

Like something some Italian whittled.

Come on, man, just let me train you.

You know what, Nick? You should do it.

I would love for Coach to train me, but I kind of pushed it too hard at the court yesterday.

Went in for a dunk.

Landed sort of funny.

(yells) Typical Winston.

(laughing) - That's true.

What is that supposed to mean? Because you're always too injured to play.

Remember when you sat out of the game because you were sad? I was also cold.


Let's do this.

Look at me.

Now, you're in a new relationship, which puts you at risk for gaining the boyfriend 15.

That's not a thing.

It is a thing.

Jess is into this.

I've seen this happen a million times.

The boyfriend 15 quickly turns into the boyfriend 20.

Next thing you know, you're a fat dude on a little bike with a cowboy hat on talking about, "My ass hurts.

" - I don't want to be that.

I don't want you to be that.

I would just be riding around in circles or would I be going places? Circles, dude.

Fat-guy rash on your arm.

Okay, look, Schmidt's tried to get me to work out for years.

It didn't take.

Also, and it's not an excuse, I have a very bad back.

Your bad back? - Yeah.

You gave me a piggyback ride two days ago and you giggled the whole time.

It was awesome.

It was also really funny.

That was pretty funny.

We took the stairs, dude.


It's 'cause I was excited.


Either take this dumpling and be a dumpling guy, or you train with me, and be a do-ing guy.

It's hard because I've been a dumpling guy my whole life I know.

One day, that's all I need.

And I will change your life.

You'll be able to see your abs.

I thought God just didn't give me those.

Come on.

Let's do it.

My man! - I'm in! I'm gonna warn you.

Working out is not my thing.

Not worried, man.

I do not fail.

You know what? I'm in, too.

You're injured, you shouldn't, you shouldn't do it.

What? Come on, Winnie the Bish play through the pain, baby.

You know what? Let's warm up with some jumping jacks.

(yells) (smacks lips) (groans) I was going Oh! Miss Day! Check out my cool beach hat.

Unfortunately, um, I have some bad news.

Uh, we're not gonna get to go on that field trip.

But you said anything is possible, Miss Day.

You just keep wearing that hat, Crystal.

Because as long as hot dogs are hats Anything is possible.

You could be the first little girl in space.

You just ride that hot dog hat all the way to the moon, girl.

Oh, Crystal, you're not legally allowed to touch me.

But thank you.

(groans) Hey, guess who got a trainer.

So many menus.

I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds.

Seriously, what the hell? - Hey.

(groans) I take it, it didn't go well with Foster.

It did not go well.

Aw, Jess.

I hate seeing you hurt like this.

Are you serious? More menus? This is like Why do we need more menus? - Don't we have enough menus? - Feels like you're saying menus a lot.

This is an eco-disaster.

Conservation deserves a win today.

Hop Foo's has killed its last tree.

Jess, this feels like a something-else-is-going-on type of thing.

Are you okay to drive? You got crazy eye! Uh, welcome to Hop Foo's.

Can I help you? This morning, there were nine menus just in my apartment.

I also hate those menus, they're so bad for the environment.

It's wasteful.

It's an eco-disaster.

I'll talk to my boss, see if we can change that.

Yeah, great, you do that.

I'm gonna follow up with you on that.

I compost, recycle, but it's I don't feel like it's enough.

Thank you.

Geez, thank you so much for stepping up and saying something.

That's who I am, that's just, you know, I'm - My name's Brian.




It's really refreshing to meet someone who actually cares.

Well, it helps that you're gorgeous.

Ha! Blah! (laughs) Burr! No, that's crazy.

That ain't real.

That's dumb.

That's straight dumb.

You're dumb.

You're nice.

You excited for the holidays? I am.


Anyway - My system is built to be easy.


It's easy as peanuts.

Easy as peanuts? - Yeah.

That's not an expression; no one says that.

PEANUTS is an acronym.

PEANUTS stands for: Physical Education Activity Nuts! Like, like go nuts, have fun! Yeah, but you got to use every letter.

I'm aware of that, but it still works.




What's going on, guys? (chuckles) Let's do this.

I tell you, ain't no injury gonna hold Old Winnie the Bish down, 'cause I'm a warrior.

Nick knows.

Burpies? All right, cool.

(groans) - Injury is gonna get worse.

I'm not a quitter! (phone rings) Hey, Schmidt, what's going on, man? Everything okay? Did I leave my Oakland Raiders yarmulke over there? Don't know.

Coach and I are working out.

I've been trying to get you to work out for years.

Well, just come over, man.

I'm enjoying my space.

But maybe you should just put me on speaker.

Okay, you're on.

Okay, cool, set the scene.

What's the vibe over there? - Nick's in jeans.

Nixon jeans? What the hell are Nixon jeans? They sound really cool.

(sighs) Hey, I solved the menu thing.

I just went down there, I took action.


I made a change.

Now that I can do that, I really feel like I can figure out this field trip thing.

Double boom-yah.

(both chuckle) There are still some things we need to figure out.

Just got to get the message across.

Hey, hey, you don't, you don't need to leave these anymore.

Hey, hey, hey! Where are you running to? Who sent you? Brian, I thought you were gonna talk to your boss.

I am the boss.

Hop Foo's is your restaurant? Sorry I lied.

You just seemed kind of crazy, so I didn't want to deal.

But you care about conservation.

Oh, I don't, I really don't.

I care about my restaurant.

You're going down, Brian! I'm gonna collect signatures, I'm gonna start a petition, and I will turn it in to the person who's in charge of restaurants.

And I'm gonna report you to the City! Oh, no, not the City.

No! You're a jerk, Brian! I'm gonna burn down your building! I won't do that, I won't do that.

Why do people suck?! Ow! COACH: Okay, we're gonna warm up with music.

(electronic music playing) - Yeah, feeling that? - I guess so.

Yeah, got to loosen up the shoulders.

Wiggle those arms.

(gibbering) - Arms, not your face.

Oh, sorry, thought you said "face.

" Right.


Working out is sexy.

Yeah, it is.

That's not sexy, man.

This is sexy.

That isn't sexy.

Ooh, ay.

Damn it! It's a great workout track! What's next? And time.

Yes! - Yes! - Whoo! - Whoo! Let's do it again.

Again? - Yeah, man.

(grunting): Six, seven, eight.

Come on, man! Mine's broken.

Push through it, man, you got it.

Ah, thank God you're here, Cece.

What's the emergency? Why does Jess need all this Chinese food? No, no, no, I just made all that up.

Wait, you tricked me into getting you food? Yes.

Why? - Nick, what is this? - For after don't worry about it.

I will be right back.

(sighs) Hello zere.

I'm, I'm Cece, I-I remember you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, great memory.

That's what's up, that's what's up.

No doubt.


(sighs) (chuckles) - Nick! - Breasts Ni This is for the food, and there's a little extra for you.

Oh, my God, are you tipping me? - Yeah.

Well, if I'm gonna get in trouble, give it back.

I gave you four bucks.

I'll tip you good I'll tip you right over.

Good stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Damn, I wish I could have said something else.

"Tip you right over" was good.

Oh, okay, cool.

Uh, is she single? - Yeah, kind of.

Oh, cool, man.


What are you doing? Oh, I'm just gonna it's just a protein boost.

I'm just gonna eat a little.

That's not how it works, dude.

We're still in the middle of our workout.

We're not done yet? - No! Hey, whoa.

I just had a very productive conversation with the owner of the restaurant.

Action has been taken, change is in the air.

Now I'm going to go research lawsuits in my room for fun.

You okay? You seem a little off.

Stop ordering from that place.

Nick, put the dumpling down.


Hey, what's up, Jason Street? The Internet said that I had to stay off my feet, but then I found this wheelchair in a ditch, so I'm ready to work out.

Winston, go lay down.

Nick, put the dumpling down.



(gasps) Did you just gasp? (laughs) - I'm having one - Down.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Don't Don't do it.


D I'm going to eat one bite of this.

Don't do it.

You're better than this.

I don't know if I am.

I might.



Don't, don't.

Stop shaking it like that.

Let me eat the dumpling! - What's going on? - BOTH: Oh, just working out.


Just chilling.

(grunts) - Does this food have MSG in it? - JESS: What? (clenched): Oh, my God, MSG makes my jaw lock up.

You all right, dude? - What? - Mm-hmm.

What's going on with your jaw? - Yeah, dude.

(groans) Come on, you son of a Wait a minute.

Ha, "no MSG.

" Where are you going? - I'm just taking Winston for a walk.

Where are you taking me? - I think he needs some fresh air.

BOTH: Aah! Damn it, Coach.

Nick! I want you to really think about your next step.

Why do you care so much? - This is a crucial moment, a crossroads.

By you eating that, you are telling me that you'd rather sit on the couch eating dumplings than do something with your life.

Now, are you a doer or a dumpling-er? I'm sorry, I'm not you, man.

I'm a dumpling-er.


Oh, it's veggie.

I did all that for nothing? I tried.

Where are you taking me? - What? You're my smoking gun.

Winston's in a wheelchair? What's next, Roberto Benigni coming through the halls, making everybody laugh? (bumps) Aah! Ow! Missing everything.

Take these.





Don't even talk.

My friend is having an allergic reaction to your food.

Hey, man.

It says "no MSG" on the menu.

It also says it with the what do you call the circle with the diagonal line? - It's the Ghostbusters thing.

What? From the movie Ghostbusters.

Oh, it says it with words an it says it with the Ghostbusters thing.

All right, just calm down.

No, here's what's going to happen.

You're going to stop putting these menus everywhere, or I'm going to show the people in here what happens when you eat the food.

I actually like the food.

Listen, Jess, Chinese food is MSG.

America is living a lie, and we distribute menus so people order the food.

Just accept that that's the way things are! No, I am done accepting things the way they are, because there are menus everywhere, and there are kids who want to see the ocean.

What? - And I don't like your vibe, dude.

(groans) Hey! This is what eating here did to my friend.

Is that crispy noodles? (Coach singing) Coach.

Oh, no, no.

What the hell are you doing, man? - I'm making island beats.

I think this is what I'm gonna do from now on, since, obviously, I can't coach.

I thought we were just messing around.

Why are you taking this so hard? Because, dude, I was trying to prove to myself that I could still do this.

Ever since Malia broke up with me I don't know I've just been a mess.

Feel like I can't do anything right.

(sighs) Guys, it's locked, it's unlocked.

Get it together for real.

What are you doing here? I thought you said you were so busy.

I found this extra alarm clock, and, uh, I thought it'd be neighborly, so I'll set it up for you guys.

You're welcome.

Wait a second.

What is that? - What's what? - Is that a camera? - Hmm? Schmidt, are you spying on us? So (scoffs) It is it's a camera.

Well, I'm shocked.

Schmidt, look, you decided to move out.

So move out.

I am out.

I'm actually very busy, you know that? I'm actually late for a very important coffee with a with a dear friend of mine.

Who's that? - Hmm? - Who? - Yeah.

Wouldn't you like to know? (door closes) Tiny pants man He don't have friends That's why he got the clock He got the clock to watch his only friends.

Are you enjoying your meal? Winston enjoyed his meal, right? - Until he had an allergic reaction.

MAN: Let's go.


I drove away all of your customers, and I'm gonna do that every day until you stop with the menus.

Earth warrior! - You win.

I'll stop.

Thank you.

Charles? You're fired.

What? No! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Don't fire him.

He's the menu guy.

I was just trying to make a difference.

You did.

At the beginning of the day, this guy had a job.

Now he doesn't, so congrats on your victory.

You win.

(loud guttural sob) (loud guttural sob) Do you have any teaching experience? (sobs) Does anyone have an antihistamine? You know, I just moved across the hall, but it feels like I moved across an entire ocean.

People grow up, especially young people.

So my friends don't even miss me anymore? Uh-huh.

Well, they don't miss you.

They've moved on.

What? Well, how do you know that? Because he told me.

His name is Conner, and he went to SUNY Binghamton.

I once lived with 40 birds, and they all flew away, and I moved on.

Slow down on the noodles, buddy.

Well, congratulations, Miller.

You were right.

What happened? - I terrorized a restaurant.

I got a good man fired.

I might have ran over a lizard with my wheelchair, but I am ashamed of it.

So, that's what you get for trying.

Let's see what the enemy tastes like.

It's good.

Anybody want to help me use the bathroom? - No.


Okay, I'll work it out.

I shouldn't have even tried.

You just get hurt.

COACH: This is such a relief.

I can get fat now.

Hey, guys, stop it! - I want to eat this all day.

Like a Chinese food ménage.

Oh! Okay, you guys are doers, and people like me, people who don't do anything we actually need people like you.

Mmm - Oh, boy, this is bad.

Uh, this Okay, all right.

I'm gonna give you guys a speech, and it's gonna fire you guys up.

Got some on my pants - First we're gonna start with compliments to build up your confidence.

Okay, uh, - Coach, you're a great guy.

Mmm You've got strong bodies.

Aah! - What? You just need some more clients.

I believe in you.


Jess, you're awesome.

You are the most resourceful, optimistic, amazing person I've ever met in my life.

I can't even get my kids on a field trip.

You can do anything you put your mind to 'cause you're smart, okay? Why can't you get 'em on this field trip? There's no way to get them to the beach.

That's a board.

Karate-kick it! You're not used to making speeches, are you? Point of it is, is you never give up.

(door slams shut) Fine.

I guess you win.

I sort of miss being here.

Well, the nanny cam kind of gave it away.

Well, nobody helped me, so now there is a real mess.

Hey, Winston, do you have some money where we could rent, like, a car or a bus or something? I found this wheelchair in a ditch.

Is anyone gonna tell me anything that's going on? Stop! If it's not an idea about how to rent a car or a van, then I don't want to hear it! Wait a minute.

Nick? That's brilliant! JESS: Boys and girls, transportation provided by Hop Foo's restaurant.

All right, everybody, we did it! Ocean Conservation Day starts now! Welcome to the Pacific Ocean! Yeah.

The large body of water to my left.

No horseplay, guys.

Guys, don't talk to strangers.

And you said it wouldn't fit.

I knew it would fit.

I just didn't want you to bring it.


It's got a trick wheel.

I think it's fine.


Aah! Trick wheel.

Not fine.


(Nick grunting) Nice wheelchair.


Day? - Hey.

Thank you.


You deserve this.

Oh, thank you.

I love it.

But you know what? I think this actually belongs to Nick Miller, 'cause he did this.

Oh, wow! - Is this your dad? - How old do you think I am, little girl? All right.

I don't want this gift.

It's her favorite hat.

(laughter) - Hey.


You made a difference.

How's it feel? It feels good.

(laughs) Yeah, actually, it feels great.

I feel like, um I don't know.

I feel like running.

Hey, Coach, you want to show me how? - How to run? - Come on.

Coach me! Is this right, Coach? Am I doing it right? Miller, you sorry excuse for a human being, you are shaped like a bean bag chair! I will sit in you! - Ah, you can do it.

WINSTON: I'm coming, too.

'Cause I ain't a quitter! Ironside! I'm coming.

I'm com Aah! I am all-terrain, baby.

I was wrong about you, okay? You're not a quitter.

(whooping) Now, please, quit! I'm glad I got to see that.

(laughs) Oh, Schmidt, here's your key back.

We kind of like having you around.


This is just a copy, though.

I have like 50 of them at home.

What are you doing to me? - Your students are burying Winston.

Nah, he likes it.

Get away from me! Where are your parents at? Shoo, children, shoo! Away now, be away! Shut up, Winston! - They are so mean!

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