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  3x04 - The Captain
 Posted: 10/10/13 20:07
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That is how you have sex, America.



What's happening here is amazing.

Like, I want to film it, but I don't want to film it 'cause that would be porn.

And that time, I think I figured out what that thing underneath the thing was.

Yeah, you did.

And whoa, right? Yeah, whoa.

Hey, should we take a break and, like, talk about our childhoods or something? You know, get in there, get into it, get into each other's heads.

Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.

If Yeah I mean No? I'm gonna throw a curveball.

I'm gonna go banana it and then I'll be ready for round two.

Define "banana it.

" Eat a banana? Oh, good.

I was worried for a second.

What are Nick and Jess doing in there, and how is it this loud? Nick's body is so soft, it should absorb sound.

They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt.

It's a whole new ball game around here.

You, see, you wouldn't know that 'cause you haven't been here in weeks, but now that you're single, yeah, you got to deal with this, too.

Dumped by two women in the same day, Schmidt, that has got to be a record, man.

I get it, all right? I lost two perfect women, but I'm fine with it, all right? I'm fine.

You could've been perfectly happy with either one of them, - but now you're by yourself.

Winston, I'm fine.


That really has to hurt.

This is my home, too.

I shouldn't have to be faced with their stupid, happy relationship everywhere I look.

This is going to stop, Winston, and I'm gonna stop it.

Well, my advice to you is to stay in your foxhole, keep your head down and invest in one of these babies.

Watch your butt, Furguson.

This is my survival kit.

Check this out, man.


Get this bell wrapped around my neck so he can hear when I'm coming.

Every couple has a weakness.

Kate and Will, I could break them up with one e-mail.

Oh, look at that, look at the royal baby now, - living with slutty Aunt Pippa.

I'm telling you, they're bulletproof.

Um, I have to show Nick something in the bathroom.

Yeah, it's tiles.

I'm so bad at lying.

It's for sex.

Oh, go! Go make love in our communal shower.

Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.

What? Want to see a magic trick? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess I like your chewing face.

It's just food.

Yeah, that's all it is, okay, people? I know it's super annoying to be around a couple.

Not me at all.

It's him.

Who? Oh.

Look at him.

Yeah, we had a tough day today at the V-E-T.

Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get It rhymes with "fleutered.

" The word is neutered.

Cats don't speak English.

Furguson's never gonna experience actual, physical lovemaking.

Do you think you're a little too into your cat? He should be out there, just getting all crazy, getting his freak on.

I feel bad, man.

I don't know what to do.

Let's try to help.

We got three smart people here.

We all know we got to get Furguson laid, right? Cat bachelor party.

That's right.

What do you think? Yeah, get some little cat strippers.

Big booty cats, little booty cats.

Some tabbies.

Some black ones, some white ones.


We'll mix it up.

Get us a couple Siamese, get weird with it.

Get him laid? - You know we're kidding? Sure, sure, sure, sure.


It's happening.

Oh, look, it's you and you.

Is that a cake? Why do you have a sheet cake? Don't eat the cake, Jess.

What is that? Like, vanilla and vanilla? I just wanted to wish you guys a happy one-month anniversary.

Hip hip.

You said you wanted to break us up.

You said you didn't care if it took your whole life.

Look, I understand that I'm not exactly your favorite person right now, but I didn't want a milestone in your relationship like this to-to go uncelebrated.

You're really great together.

I don't trust him.

I know.

It's Schmidt we're talking about.

After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.

What? - Look it up.

They're called the Zaniacs.

Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done? - I will handle this.


And I'm gonna test this cake because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake? Come on, man, I'm just happy for you.

Looking at a-a month? A big month, man.

How many relationships have you had that have lasted more than a month? I don't know, some.

Probably very few, probably very, very few, right? I mean, you think it's less than two? One, it's Caroline, you know.

One? Are you kidding me, man? It's insane.

That's so few, but I guess you only need one, right, the one.

Too soon? - I'm really happy, Schmidt.

You should be, man.

Look at you.

You're like a different guy.

Usually at this point, you're overthinking and anxious and panicky and overthinking and overthinking and distant and nervous and sweaty and overthinking.

You're trying to get in my head, and it's not gonna work.

Who could, man? Look at you.

You're cool as a cucumber.

You're Obama on the ski slopes.

Now, get out there.

Enjoy that cake with the woman that you love.

Too soon? Forget about it.

Good talk.


What's wrong? Nothing.


Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.

Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.

Six more weeks of winter.

Don't worry.

Lie back.

I'm gonna take care of this.

This has never happened in my whole life, just so you know.

It's cool.

What can I do to help? I don't know, maybe think outside of the box? A little chicken kabob with rice.

Choice of naan or chutney.

How about we - Shh! Oh, I had it.

Reverse psychology.

I'm not attracted to you.

I don't think you're sexy.

Don't want to have sex with you.


I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat - Okay! Oh, yeah.

Papa Smurf? Really? Whole body.

Are you sure? - Yes, hey.


This will work, let's do it.



Well, at least the sun managed to get up.

I have to go move my car.

I'm kidding.

But I'm kidding! Are we not kidding about this? Does she have all her shots? - Yep.

Okay, cool, cool.

Um, let me ask you this.

Uh, does she strike you as, um, I don't know, slutty? Excuse me, I'm here to pick up Fatty from her grooming.


Oh, there you are.

Who are you here to pick up? - Well, actually, uh, my boy cat is looking for a girl cat.


Well, I might know a girl cat who's looking for a boy cat.

Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Does the girl cat have all her parts? - Um, yeah.

Yes? Uh, okay.

Well, um, I don't know, maybe, uh, she could come over sometime? Like, our cats could go on a date? Yes, you get it.

You know, everyone else thought I was being weird.

So, um, how often do you groom your cat? So I talked to my mom about it, - and my dad - I've got to go move my car.

Hey, no, it's important we talk about these things.

Nick, it's - I'm moving my car! Hello.

Whew, Nick looks exhausted.

You guys obviously had a good night.

Yeah, um, I We didn't sleep much.

Well, of course you didn't, you mangy little stray.

I really don't want to talk about it, - especially not with you, Schmidt.

I know, and look, I also realize that it's gonna be a long time for me to regain your trust.

I just think it's sad because if you did have a Nick problem, I probably could help you out.

You know, my diploma says that I majored in communications, but my heart says that I majored in Nicholas studies.

I'm just saying.

I love the morning.

Anything's possible.

The whole day's ahead of you, you know? Last night, Nick struggled with impotence.

Oh, my God, I'm not talking you about this.

Jess, look, I get it.

You don't want my help, but just do me a favor please.

Let me know when you're not mad at me anymore so I can tell you about how men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives.

I just hope it's not too late, fingers crossed.

What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did theoretically.

Theoretically, I would tell you for-for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex.

He's pushed that mush all over town.

And you know what, he's got some very weird taste.

Dark, real fringe stuff.

He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for.

And you know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain - in-in bed.

What? That was a mistake.

I shouldn't have said anything.

I didn't want to talk about the Captain.

It was a thing, and I did and Do you want a smoothie? What's the Captain? Well, it starts off with But you want to clean yourself up immediately.

I mean immediately.

And then you How comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you That's basically it.

That's what Nick wants in bed? Yeah, I know.

Look, you're probably not up for it.

It's my It's my fault.

It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you, you just don't have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds.

Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

Okay, Furguson, this is a big moment in your life.

All right, just be yourself, you dawg.

Winston, I think I found a way to You want to try some catnip? This is a real bummer.

Ahoy, Nicholas.

Wait, I'm scared! - Hey.


I'm so glad you could make it.

Oh, thanks.

Let's, um, let's head to my room.

Oh, you're not wasting any time.

You know, it's just that I have very judgy roommates, you know, that might get a little weirded out if they walked in the room and saw something they weren't supposed to see.


Or it's whatever, whatever Fatty wants.

What do you want, Fatty? Fatty wants to see your room.

That's awesome.

Great news.

You hear that, Furguson? - Y'all go play.

Yeah? There you go.

He was nervous.

Well, good thing I brought this.

Yeah, we can't give wine to these cats.

It's been a tough six months, and this cat needs a drink so O-Okay.

I don't think they care.

They're not listening at all.


They're too into each other.


Nick, we have to talk about this, okay? All right, I'll go first.

Listen I was uncomfortable with some of the specifics of what we just did.

For example, when I said, "You like that, huh?" I felt like you really, really didn't like it.

How do you feel? I just I feel like, you know No, it's just kind of like be I mean Uh It was good, you know.

It's over.

Love sleeping birdsty.

I just want to know what I did wrong.

How does the Captain normally go? - The what? - The Captain.

What we just did.

I've never done that in my life.

We did that because you wanted to, Jess.

What?! Why would I want to do that? That's degrading to not only women but all of mankind, Nick.

I know.

I only did that 'cause Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing Did you say, 'cause Schmidt said? No, no, no, no.

Did you just Did you talk to tight pants and eyebrows Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick? Every time I tried to talk to you about your penis problems, you went to move your car.

Those aren't penis problems.

What is Did you talk to Winston about my penis problems? - What about Cece, did she get a call? - He wasn't around.

Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology.

He doesn't.

There's no such We have to talk about our feelings 'cause we're together.

If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called "talkings.

" No, that is not true.

Nick - That is 100% - This is it This is Schmidt getting in our heads.

I'm going to kill him! - Jessica, wait.

Schmidt! I can't run that fast The Captain! I trusted you.

You took advantage of me.

Something wrong? - You set us up.

I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo.

You see, your fatal flaw Communication.

You won't shut up about your feelings, and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.

It's just the Chicago Bears.

There's no brown Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it.

Ooh, by the way, how was the Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass? Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision's very good 'cause my eyes are so buggy and big and I saw everything and I can't erase it from my memory.

Please, Jess, stop talking about the Captain.

Why don't we just go back to being roommates.

Okay? Nick, what do you say? The floor is yours.

You want to tell us how you feel? - Me? - Yeah.

Well I think it's I just Beautifully said.

Thank you, Nick.

Enjoy your breakup.

If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to mainstream hip-hop.

Stop! I have feelings.

I didn't like when you did the Captain.

It made me feel bad.

Okay, I've I've never seen this sober before.

Stop, it's my turn.

You talk too much and it frustrates me.

Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep.

How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? But it doesn't matter, Jess, because I like you a lot.

But maybe do that less, okay? Nick, I just feel Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Just keep going.

I don't know.

Um I really like the instrument of the cello.

I like the cell a lot, and I don't talk about it a lot but I should because I feel very passionate about it.

It's a beautiful instrument.

It's like a guitar but it stands up.

I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.

And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again.

Sometimes when I smell dust in like an attic or something, like that mothy, dusty, I think about my mother.

When I was 14, I saw my mother change, and I saw her whole body naked without underpants on.

I really like when a rap song uses a choir.

It makes me feel really happy when all those ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping.

I think it's awesome.

I'm really proud of you, Nick.

I really like.

I like you, too.

And it's been a month and I'm not scared.

Unless you're doing the Captain, and then I experience very real fear and it's very visceral Just kiss me.

No kissing in the living room! No.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Cease lovemaking! All lovemaking must cease.

Get out of here, Schmidt! - Break up! - Just break up already, pl - Oh, forget it.

I'm just I'm-I'm - Hey, no, no.

What are you doing? Oh, my God, he just hit my sack.

Body block! I'm pure core.

I've been training for this.

Yeah, human dental dam.

So What do you do for fun? Huh? Oh, um You know, like all good things.

Like what? Tell me one thing.

I'm sorry, do you hear noise? - Oh - Do you hear shouting? - 'Cause I'm just - Yeah.


No, no, no, no, no.

Who the hell mess up the mood?! - Schmidt, Schmidt.


Put down my condoms.

Pull it together, Schmidt.

It's raining celibacy.


You're losing it, man.

If I'm not having sex in this loft, nobody's having sex in this loft.

Hyah! Oh, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my birth control pills.

You don't want to do this, my man.

Yes, I do want to do this.

It's the only way to get this place back to the way that it was.

Put them down.

Give them to me.

Give them to Jess.

Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.

No fear! - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you just throw them in the sink, you idiot.

You better pray that was a placebo week.

Is he eating birth control pills? Friday! Full wheel, bitches! I win.

I don't feel good.

Guys, come on, our cats were just about to have sex.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, this whole time I thought What? Fatty, come on.

We're out of here.

So, what do you guys think, loft meeting in 20? Yeah, I'll be there in 15.

Got to stick my head in a paper bag and scream at the top of my lungs.

Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.

Schmidt, I just looked it up.

There's no way estrogen works that fast.

You don't know my body.

Please, stop talking about your body.

Okay, that's a good segue to some of the more relevant topics that I would like to cover in this meeting.

Like, uh, personal space.

Public space.

Other people's medicines Taking them versus not taking them.

I am so aware of my nipples right now.

Okay, that's a good start.

If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream.


Any takers? All right, we live here.

Where are we supposed to go? This is my fault.

'Cause I'm going through a sexual awakening.

It's like I'm tapping into this raw sexual energy that the universe is putting forth.

And it's just both imploding and exploding at the same time.

And it's kind of like I'm a young nun.

And Nick is my sexy monseigneur.

And I'm a I'm just going to shut up.

Both of you need to shut up, okay? You're having sex, not inventing.

It can't be that good.

It's good.

Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits.

" - I'm serious, Nick.


And, Schmidt, stop taking it out on everybody else, man.

Deal with your breakups.

Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft.

You did a bad thing.

Deal with it.

What's that? Oh, it's just what I needed.

This gum is crap.

You ready? What is it? Just keep your eyes closed.

All right, stand right there, okay? - Okay.

Turn around.

I love it.


I don't I don't know what it is.

All right, then yell something.

I soundproofed it.

What's wrong? I just heard yelling.

Get out of here, man.

He must He must've literally been right by the door.

It is soundproofed That's what the egg crates are for, so Nick, I just want to say something.

Um This last month has been the best month of my life.

Me, too.

I've never, you know, felt this way or had this with anybody.

It's like there's been this fog around my life, and with you, all of a sudden it's gone.

I love that you can express your feelings now.

Yeah, it's a weird feeling.

It's kind of like gross but also good.

You know? It's like an egg broke.

And then, like, all the yolk comes out but it's good.

I'm happy to admit I like love songs.

I understand them.

They're really sad.

They're mostly about either the girl or the guy got away.

They're heartbreaking numbers.

The air Do you feel it? I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's nice.

I feel like I'm on this whole new planet.

How about your two favorite planets? Oh, yeah, those are great.

But I also feel like being with you, I've finally, for the first time, and I know this sounds crazy, but I can see the stars.

You know, the other great thing about talking about our feelings is we don't need to do it all the time.

Thank you for expressing that.

I feel like I can see you - Uh-huh.

in 3-D vision.

Everyone see in 3-D.


So, would you like to take my bra off, or should I? See, I feel excited to take your bra off.

So, do it.

I love your breasts.

Just mixing it up with those two things.

I'm not even nervous to do it.

So, do it.

I feel excited to Okay, right now.

Let's do this.

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