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  3x02 - Nerd
 Posted: 09/26/13 19:39
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So I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'd really like to start calling you "Shorty" in public.

By the way, my office is throwing a party tomorrow, and I would - I'd really like for you to be there.

Well, I have a photo shoot, but I think I could come after that.

Oh, yeah, well, that sounds good.

Who's that? Hmm? It's my doctor.

Uh, D-Dr.


Doc-Doctor Wyland Cover.

He's my oncologist.

He's an oncologist.

Hey, you guys know anything about cats? Yeah, I'm trying to score some points with Daisy, so I promised to watch her cat tonight.

They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples, and they are unwelcome in this loft.

Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples? I've told you this story before.

I think I would have remembered that story.

No cats.

Come on, bangs, you sons of bitches.

Here, let me do 'em, Jess.

What? - Nick, Nick, stop.

What? - Stop, you're gonna ruin it.

I'm not gonna ruin I was I was making 'em look prettier.

No, you weren't.

Then they look perfect as is.

Can I ask you a question? Absolutely we having this thing right now? - Do I look okay? - Do you look okay? - Yeah.

Hell yeah! I want to put it on you.

On? Put it on me? Yeah, on I stand by that.

I'd like to put it on you.

What is wrong, Jess? I've been at this new school for a week now and I still haven't made any friends.

There's, like, a clique of teachers, and they run the school.

You keep bumpin' me against the wall Yeah, I know I let you slide before Hey, but until you seen me, trust me You ain't seen bouncin' back You keep bumpin' me against the wall I just want them to like me.

I know it sounds dumb, but Leave it to me.

I'll fix it.

You're Nick Miller's girl now.

You're my old lady.

What? - Whatever you need, you got it.

Why are you talking like a James Taylor song? I don't know.

Hey, either of you guys know anything about cats? Oh, my God, Schmidt has the greatest cat story! - Ugh, I was there it's disgusting.

You shut your damn mouth, Jess.

Thought it was cute Oh, grow up! Nothing came out.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess You know what? I've never actually seen you this happy.

Who are you? - I don't know, it's weird.

I've never seen you smile.


This is the first time.

It's not bad.

I mean, it's not great.

Yeah, I agree.

Somewhere right in the middle.

Hey, can I ask you something? - Of course.

Hypothetically speaking, what if you met somebody that you that you liked, uh, just as much as Jess? Schmidt, stop.

Okay, you picked Cece, so let Elizabeth go.

Initially I said "hypothetically," so just Do you know a place I can get cheap school supplies? I only have $15 and a halfie $15 and a halfie.

A halfie? - Yeah, it's a half.

It got ripped, so it's a half.

No one's gonna accept that as currency.

Hey, what's up, guys? - Did you press the button? - I thought you pressed the button! What is wrong with you?! - What did you do when you walked in? - Talked to you.

Guys, I'm gonna go pick up Daisy's cat.

You know, you don't just ask anybody to take care of your cat.

That's a very serious thing, so I decided I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna ask Daisy to be my girlfriend.

You are? - Whoa! - Yeah.

Major move! - Good stuff.

Look at you, man.

So I'm just gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Daisy, "Listen, my heart is a two-man bike, and I want you in the rear.

" What do you think? Winston, don't say that.

You want her in your? You can say "the rear.

" You don't want her in your rear.

No, don't say "the rear" at any time.

You guys are just jealous.

What? You guys are gonna steal my swag.

I wouldn't even know how to begin to steal a swag.

I thought you pressed the button.

I've been way over here.

I-I haven't pressed - I'll press the button.

Last night, I rectified our budget while taking a long soak in my new Jacooz.

My elbows are as soft as babies.

I love a soft elbow.

How about you bring that noise over here.

Good meeting.

Great, well Uh - Foster's such a dork.

He needs to get laid.

I got laid.

This morning.

From my boyfriend.

So coitus no-one-interruptus.

That because we finished, so Why are you talking to us? - You have owl eyes.


Hey! Trust me.

What's up, teachers? Who wants free school supplies? - What are you doing here? - Point to the ones who don't like you - I can handle this myself.

I'm fixing it for you.

And then she Yeah.

Say, listen, why don't you guys come to my bar later for free drinks.

Teachers don't pay.

We'll think about it.

Okay, they'll think about it.


Oh, my God.

That was genius.

It's a no-brainer.

Whoa, that's an amazing move, sex partner.

Sex part With the promotion, uh, I got a new office, so I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day.

Do you like it? It's a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office from Mad Men, and you're my sexy Peggy.

Good God, at least shut the door.

My tiny credenza is in the way.

Hey, Elizabeth, are you gonna be coming to the party tomorrow night? Party? What party? The big office party.

Schmidt, did you not invite her? I was just about to invite you to go.

Cool, it's a date.

Bye, baby.


Mwah, mwah.

How how dare you interfere with my personal life, you crone.

I don't I don't kick up a fuss when you massage yourself with your yoga ball.

Oh, I'm sorry, were you gonna invite Cece? Beth, please.

I am in love with both of these women.

Do I feel bad about lying to them? Yes.

I'm a Sagittarius.

Congrats on your new office.

Gina gave birth on that carpet.

Consider this closed.

Right, so, yeah, um Um, so, Daisy, what I was really trying to say is, uh Is your shower running? Yeah, I was just about to take a shower.

What's going on? - Okay.

Um, Daisy, I think what we have is real, and, uh, I want us to be exclusive just you and me in the rear.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Awesome, um Sorry, that's mine.

So, Furguson gets his wet food in the morning, dry food at night.

Somebody in there? No.

No treats after midnight.

"Oh, my name is Principal Foster, and this is the Jacooz.

" "The Jacooz.

" He's so nice, don't you think? He's such a nice boss.

Y'all want some drinks? - Yeah, okay.



Thank, thank you.

Thank you.

What do you think? I think it's going really well.

Okay, I just realized what's happening.

It's high school over there, and they're the cool kids, and you're the nerd.

I was never a nerd.

On western wings the fowls doth fly On briny swells the fishes doth swim Oh, like you were so cool.

Stall! CROWD Nick! Nick! Nick! The Miller Sack Pack.

Miller Sack Pack? - They made shirts.

You know what? I'm not explaining my coolness to you.

I was cool.

Listen to me.

You want to be in with them? Roll with the punches, go with the flow.

Make fun of your boss a little bit.

Don't follow your instincts.

I wouldn't sing.

But most importantly, follow my lead.

And by "follow my lead," I mean drink.

And I mean drink a lot.

Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.

That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

Schools are for fools! They are.

Sometimes firemen are women! Sometimes! Sometimes! Hey, there she is.

Ol' Toilet Pants, the girl who bet herself six dollars she could dance in a toilet bowl.

Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah What's going on? I'm cool.

You are cool, but you still got to go to work, 'cause you're running late, so up and at 'em.

Hey, Nick, I got to talk to you.

I have a real problem.

Oh, my God.

Did you kill Jess? - No, no, no, no.

She just got really drunk last night, and she passed out.

Hey, guys.

Are you crying, buddy? - No.

Hey, did he kill Jess? No, I didn't kill Je Okay, remember when I was so hungover, I almost missed my flight for Christmas? Ah, count it down.

Three, two, one.

Two, one.

I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away I believe I can soar Soar - I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

Oh, she's awake.

That was beautiful.

Where are my tights? Uh, in the bathroom where you barfed.

You sounded really good there, man.

Start the band.

What did you do to her? I just told her that I thought drinking would make her cool.

What are you, a 14-year-old hockey player? You're supposed to protect her, not encourage her.

Okay, I am protecting her.

She's my old lady now.

By turning her into you? - I'm not Yeah, Daisy cheating on me.

Wait, we're using real honey? So sticky.

Hey, babe! What a nice surprise! I came to tell you that you can't come with me to the party tonight.

They just told me that it's employees only.

No sig oths.

Just say "significant others.

" Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.

Looks like we're gonna go late here anyway, so no worries.

All right Shorty.

All right, bring in the bees! Oh, wait.

The bees are real, too? Oh, hell no! Nick, I need your help, okay? Now, I am no plumber, but I'm 99% sure that there was a guy in her bathroom.

So, she agreed to be exclusive with you while the guy she is obviously sleeping with was washing his size 15 ding-dong in the shower.

And now you're taking care of her cat.

Those are the bullet points, yes.

You know what you got to do to get yourself out of this situation.

Break up with Daisy! Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you're making some very good points.

You know, break up with Daisy.

That's an option.

I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat.


Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna kill her cat first.


I'm gonna kill you.

Hey, it's little Toilet Pants.

Hey, Toilet Pants! Toilet Pants! Please stop shouting.

You are so awesome.

I want to show you something.

Oh! Oh.



You're one of us now.

You never have to drink out of a paper cup again.

Fun mugs.

This one makes me look like I have a - mustache.



What's up, Winston? - Oh, hey, Nick.

You know, I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson, so I decided to just let him choose how he wants to die.

If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam.

You're gonna murder a cat? - Yeah.

This is a joke, right? - No.

This is one of your pranks? - An eye for an eye, Nick.

A cat for a cat.

But what's the other cat? My heart.

Where's that big flashlight you can hit people with? Also, do we have any meat pieces that might distract a dog? Winston, don't do anything stupid.

Jess, what are you doing? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Cool, cool.

It's nothing.

We're just breaking into Foster's backyard, and we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi.

You're gonna put your butts in his Jacuzzi? - Isn't it awesome? - Uh, no, it's not awesome.

It's a crime.

It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime.

Hey, do you have any makeup or costumes that might make someone look like a bush? You are about to commit a felony.

Oh, my God, Nick! You said roll with it! You're not the kind of person who could break into the principal's house and get away with it.

You're the kind of person who gets caught, and it ends up on the Internet in a funny way.

My God! That is the cutest cat! Uh, don't get attached.

Okay, both of you, knock it off! Winston! Look, Nick, you're right.

I'm a nerd.

I've never fit in.

If I met you in high school, you never would have even noticed me.

That's just because I didn't go to class.

I wouldn't have seen you.

I know it's stupid, but I'm doing it.

I'm not letting you go.

Oh, you're not letting me? No.

If for some reason I don't come back tonight, I'll be at the Appleton Suites under the name Suzuki Sinclair.

Ask for Charles.

Don't Hey, hey.

We're not done with this conversation, young lady! - Well, we are done! - Oh, yeah, then where are you going?! - I'm getting a flashlight! - Oh, a hammer, huh? - Hey, Winston, Winston.

Good way to go.

Thr - Don't hurt that cat.


Hey, Furguson? Furguson? - You scared him.

Don't do this.

Furguson? - Winston! Winston, Winston, stop what you Stop! Don't do that scary walk! Do not do that scary walk that you do that scares me! Hey, Jess? Jess? Je? Winston, don't kill that! Jess! I don't know what to do! - Oh, good Lord.

What's wrong? Nothing.

You know what? Let me show you the stairwell where they got the idea for the escalator.

Shorty! My love.

My only love.

I'm sorry.

I just I quit that job, and I had to see you.

How emotional.

Let's go talk about it in private in a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office.

You stay here.

I'm gonna get you a drink.

No, no, no, please, you-you you stay here.

So - Oh, God, what? They're both here.

The gas has been spilled.

All we need is a match.

What, are you narrating a book? Here it comes.

The long nap.

Oh, wow.

Tell you what, man, we both need to just cool off and have a drink.

You smoke? I'm just kidding.

But, man, that'd be cute if you did.

What is wrong with me? It Oh, Furguson.

So, listen, I've been dreaming about this fantasy, and I think this party might be the perfect place to try it out.

Okay, but I can't get wet.

No water.

So, listen, you and I are gonna be sexy strangers.

Yeah? Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed type, and your job has you on Hong Kong time.

But the most important thing is, you're the first person to leave the party.


I like.

Wait, is that Cece? - Is that who? Huh? No.



No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece.

Sorry, in between modeling jobs, she does catering.

You mind if I go over there and say hello? I think it's only right.



Hey, I know you told me to stay in the office, but Beth insisted that I Stay away from that woman.

She is patient zero in this office for spreading HPV.


Put on this apron.

No, why-why would I do that? That's crazy.

My boss was asking, so I told her you were a caterer.

So just It's a good idea.


Just Yes.

You really want me here, don't you? So badly.

Can we just come back when we have a plan? Are you afraid? No, I'm not afraid.

Rose, give me a boost.

Here's Rose.

I got you.

Oh, my Oh, my God.

You got to help me a little.

That's a hell of a grip, Rose.

I see the Jacuzzi! Didn't stick the landing! You're doing great.

I'm gonna do a loop to not attract suspicion.

All right.

All right.


I'm right here.


Do I know you? Right.

The fantasy.

Boy, I got to go.

I have a 5:00 a.


conference call with the Asians.

Are you leaving soon, stranger? You mean "Corporal"? And, no, I'm gonna stick around and throw down one more beer.


Oh, hey.

Don't tell me you're leaving.

Whew, great news.

My boss is in her office completely passed out.

We finally have the night to ourselves.

Thank God.

It's getting a little weird here, right? Dressed up like this.

That Elizabeth? Okay, look, Cece, I-I got to tell you something.

Does Elizabeth work here? Yes.


We were just talking about you.

The food was good.


I was thinking of taking some home.

You deserve it.

Okay, well, I'm heading off.

The Asian markets wait for no one.


She was ice cold to you.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

What a night.

I got this! - Open the damn gate! - Everything's under control! - Jess, hey! Don't move! I'm coming over! Rose, move! Jess, hey.

I'm coming.

I got you.

Whoa, hey, Rose! Ease up on the throttle.

Those are my precious goods.

Did you follow me here? Here I come! - Nick.


Hey, Jess.

Jess, hey.

You okay? - Yeah.

I'm sorry I tried to stick my nose in this.

I just I just I came here because I'm your old man now.

And if you're gonna do something that's obviously very stupid then I'm gonna do it with you.


Oh, my God.

You go there.


What's going on out here? - Hey.

Who are you? - No, I-I used to live here.

I was just doing a visit around the neighborhood.

That's my old bedroom right there.

That's a bathroom.

To you maybe it is.

But to me and my four brothers, - that's a home.


Nick, I can't let you do this.

Mostly 'cause you're so bad at it.

Is that you, Ms.

Day? - Yes.

It is.

I'm so sorry.

I trespassed on your property.

And I would not be surprised if you fired me.

I think I know what's really going on here.

You heard about my new Jacooz.

And you wanted a taste.

And say a little prayer for right You know that if we are to stay alive Come on in, kids.

The water's hot! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo Hey, babe.

Thanks for watching him.

He can be a real pain in the ass, huh? Yeah Was there a dude in your shower yesterday? Yes.


How do you know him? From sex.

But it was from sex before you and I were exclusive.

Have you had sex with him since? No.

Oh, wait.


Last night.

Look, um I really liked you, Daisy.

You know, I wanted this to be a thing, but, uh I deserve better.

And so does Furguson.

Hmm? I'm keeping the cat.

I got your cat! Well, Schmidt, you win.

They both really love you.

So enjoy your office.

Hey! Toilet Pants! - Oh! Toilet Pants! Thanks for taking the bullet for us the other night.

How long were you stuck in that Jacuzzi for? I don't really want to talk about it, but, um, at one point, he did grab my foot with his toes like it was a hand.

What are you doing tonight? 'Cause we got a liquid form of Ecstasy, and we're gonna grade papers together.

What? I would love to, but I actually think I'm gonna hang out with my old man.

That's weird.


See you.



So I hear you're interested in joining the Sack Pack.

I might be.

Then perhaps this will wet your whistle of what's fun about being a member.

Just leave it.


You are terrible at Hacky Sack.

I think I'm retiring.

Yeah, I just want to say I would've noticed you.

Want to go do it in the teachers' lounge? - Yes.

You do? Oh, I'm gonna do it with a teacher! Shh.

Okay, something is definitely coming out.

I think we should go.

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