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  2x22 - Bachelorette Party
 Posted: 04/11/13 07:14
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Oh, my God! What is that?

I don't want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me.

It belonged to my father.

We have the same exact butt.

What are you wearing?

What are you wearing?

I'm dressed for my Booty Burn Boot Camp class. I know what you're thinking.

It's not because I need it. I go to inspire the others.

Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

I will not take it off. I have a pass.

A pass? What kind of pass?

A Dead Dad Pass.

Which means I can do what I want when I want and no one can say anything about it.

Like right now, I want to tap dance, and you, Jess, you cannot tell me that this isn't tap.

Nick, that's just not tap!

My dad died!

I'm sorry. It's just not.

Hey, y'all. Look at these fancy invites.

Do you think it's to a gala event? I've always wanted to go to a gala event.


What the hell are you wearing?

Dead Dad Pass.

Oh, my God! It's Cece's wedding.

Wait a minute.

It's in three weeks?

She didn't tell me it was in three weeks.

Cece didn't give me a plus-one. How dare she not give me a plus-one.

You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize.

Schmidty gonna go get his plus-one.

Ew, Nick, what are you doing?

Dead Dad Pass.

♪ Hey, girl

♪ What you doing?

♪ Hey, girl

♪ Where you going?

♪ Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess.

I have not technically been asked to be maid of honor, but I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Seriously though, this is a really big deal for her.

Some girls plan their weddings, Cece planned her bachelorette party.

I want to have the dirtiest bachelorette party of all time.

Then you better have it in a pigpen.

No, I mean I want strippers and a mechanical bull and balloons in the shape of ding dongs, and I want to wear the kind of underwear that goes between your cheeks.

I'm also gonna need your help.

Oh, God. We could've left.

See. You know what?

We had ample opportunity to leave.

I saw it coming miles away and did nothing. Me, too.

No. I just need you to kidnap Shivrang so I can get Cece alone.

Roughhouse him a little bit, drop him off in the desert till he don't breathe no more?


I'm so happy you guys could come help.

All the way from India.

Aw, look at all the ladies bonding.

This is so exciting. You know, Grandmother and Ankita Auntie just couldn't wait to meet you.


Just a little overwhelmed.

I'm gonna take a...

I know.

Wait, listen.

Look, babe. Just think.

When all of this madness is over, you and I will finally get to, you know...

What are you doing?

Freaking me out.

You know, make love.

Which I am personally looking forward to greatly.

And we'll already be married forever.

I'll-I'll get it.

Hello... Shivrang? What are you doing here?

I, uh... You stole my question.

Hi. How are you doing? My invitation didn't have a plus-one.

If this is a mistake, I would just like an apology for the pain that you've caused me.

Also reimbursement for all travel expenses.

Not a mistake. There's no plus-one.

Who is this?

I'm Gérard Depardieu.

Do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.

Get in my room right now, Schmidt. Move.

I'm going to your room right now.

Hey, you listen to me. That is my future family, okay?

You cannot speak like that in front of them.

And, no, you cannot have a plus-one.

This wedding has a budget.

Plus-ones are for spouses and serious partners only.

So you just assume that I won't have a serious partner by then?

I know for a fact you won't, okay? You're not a relationship guy, and that is fine.

I can do anything I put my mind to.

I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Every girl that I've ever slept with wants to be my girlfriend. It's just the way that it is.

If you have a real girlfriend by the time of the wedding, I will happily give you a plus-one.

Challenge accepted.

Not a challenge. - Time to go make some dreams come true.


Hey, ladies.

I just want to thank you all for coming on such short notice for Cece's last night of freedom.

Hi, models.

Hi. - Hi. - I'm a lawyer.


I'm Sadie.

I'm a lesbian.

Hey. - Hi. - Hi, lesbian.

I'm 39 weeks large right now.

I can't stand for more than 60 seconds but just wanted to say I'm-I'm so excited to be raging with you all.

So bring on the cranberry juice, right?

I need this.

It's really weird.

You're acting really weird.

So many models.

I know. I know.

So many.

You can look. Don't touch.

One more thing? I am a doctor if anyone's got any areas they want... looked at.

I'm fine to take a peek. That's too much.

Don't make me call your wife.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Cece's here. Everybody assume surprise positions!

She's coming. Cece'soming.

I don't get what's happening.

I'm just gonna run upstairs and quickly grab a CD from Jess.

I'll come, too.

That's okay. I... I'll be really fast.

I want to see what your friends are like.

Have fun.


It's gonna be great. It's just Jess.



I-I'll be right here.



Hey, Nick. Sorry, I thought you were Jane Lynch.

Jane Lynch. Nice... nice wheels, man.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm a bit of a car man myself. Well, you know I decided to... Right on. - Good for you.

Too far!

Winston! Oh, take the car. Take the car.

I'm gonna beat your ass with an athletic stick, boy!

Winston! Winston!

Jess said to kidnap him, so that's what I'm doing.

It's a figure of speech, you idiot.

You nervous?




It's your bachelorette party!

Jess, I...

Love it? I know.

Complete with your favorite game, Pin the Dong on the Shivrang!

Pin the dong! Pin the dong!

Oh. Hello.


Um, Jess, this is Ankita-ji, Shivrang's aunt all the way from India.


Ankita-ji, this is Jess, my non-blood related best friend.

Welcome... to California.

May I please use your restroom?

I need to wash my hands.

Yes, of course. It's down the hall. Um, also there's a very sexually aggressive message on the mirror and I apologize for that.

Pin the dong.

Pin it. - I can't.

Come on, Cece. Get the bull's-eye.

I haven't seen Shivrang's penis.


It's that small?

You still know where it goes though.

It just hit me. I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a man that I have never seen naked.

Cece, chances are he has, like, a standard garden-variety penis.

And if we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads?

Am I right, ladies?

No. - No.

I'm trying to make her feel better.

And Ankita cannot hear anything about this, all right?

She will not understand. You guys have to promise to keep it G-rated tonight.

Cece, you've dreamt of this party your whole life.

I wouldn't want to change it.



I can't.


I can't.


Cece, what if it looks like an old carrot?

What if it's curly?

Oh, God.

If he's using it right, no one's seeing his penis.

Okay, I'm gonna fix this.

So, if Jess is throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party, does that make this my surprise bachelor party?

You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!

Hey, you got to ease up, Winston.

I got to go.

Oh, no, no, no. No, don't.

I got a call. - Please.

I need a picture of Shivrang's penis.

Dead Dad Pass! New topic!

Cece's really freaking out.

She hasn't seen his penis.

For the love of God, Dead Dad Pass.

And I need it to scale, so please put, like, a nickel or a big toe or a golf pencil in there for reference.

It's not gonna happen!

One picture and you can come home.

Give me 20 minutes.

If you want to end this, we need to get a photo of Shivrang's penis.

There it is.


Hey, Shivrang! We're liars, man!

We are throwing you a good old-fashioned American bachelor party!


Bachelor party! Yeah!

Whoa! Whoa Hey! What are you...

What is wrong with you?!

♪ Come on, come on


I know.

Why don't we talk about some of the things that we love about Shivrang?

I'll start. Um...

he has really good taste in magazines.

This sucks!


So lame. - Jess, let's put in the slideshow that you made for Cece.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Yes! Time for porn cinema.


Oh, my God, no!


Oh, my God. No. Guys, guys...

How are we gonna get a picture of Shivrang's junk?

Well, spoiler alert:

Women are liars.

Yeah. Yeah.

They're supposed to want commitment, right?

But then I offer it to them on a silver platter and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.

I know this is awkward because we slept together, and I never returned any of your phone calls, so this might come as a shock to you, but... will you be my girlfriend?

Oh, God.

I thought you had herpes.

But no to the girlfriend, you dick.

Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials and then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship and I laughed in your face?

Well, my new answer... is yes.

Be my girlfriend!

What's that all about?

Cream cheese in bulk?

I mean, it's possible that Cece's right.

I mean, maybe I'm just not a serious relationship kind of guy.

What are you talking about?

You dated Elizabeth for, like...

for years.



Yeah, but Elizabeth doesn't count.

She was during my "Big Guy" period.

So you like the foot rub? Softer? Harder?

That's perfect, Big Guy.

Look at all these little toes.

All my little toesies feel so good when you rub 'em, though.

This little... this little one went to market.

If Elizabeth doesn't count, then why is it seared into my brain forever?

You were awfully salty about that.

She counts.

We need to make Cece jealous, and I don't think that's the route we want to take.

Then go to the wedding alone.


Well, then, go with Elizabeth.

Great idea, Winston. I'm gonna ask Elizabeth.

Yeah. You were of no help to me, Nick.

That's what... my whole thing about the whole thing with Elizabeth was that I was also suggesting...

Thanks, guys.

You're an idiot, dude.

You're the worst. You guys were...

How did you know we were here?

Oh! Oh, I just couldn't decide.

Your country's refusal to embrace Robbie Williams will forever baffle me.

Well, I got to say, we're really glad you're back at the table with us, Shivrang.


Let's play a classic bachelor party game right now.

Mm-hmm, all right.

I'm gonna take a photo of my junk.

Oh, no, you're not.

Yeah, I am. 'Cause this is what we do in America, Shivrang. - What?

Don't think that's much of a competition... - Oh...

I work here.

It doesn't matter.

They're not gonna fire me.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Okay. Yup.


That is my junk in a photo. Okay.

It's your turn, Shivrang. Take a photo of your junk.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

We're all doing it.

No, it's not... Absolutely not.

I'm begging you. - But I will get us another round of drinks.

Take the photo...

Take the picture, Shivrang.

Who fancies a shandy?

What the hell is that?

It's a drink.

Two for you guys coming right up.

Cece actually designed that toilet.

Cece was a volunteer nurse, and, um...

No bottoms?

You know, what-what happens in Orlando stays in Orlando.

Nadia, seriously, turn it off.

Cece, is this how you like to spend time with your friends?

Is this the kind of wife you want to be?

No, no. It's not at all, okay?

I didn't even know this party was happening.

It was a surprise.

I promise you, this is so not me.

I didn't want any of it.

Cece, you wanted a bachelorette party ever since I've known you.

Why do you have to pretend to be somebody you're not?

What are you saying? - I'm just saying, this is all moving really, really fast, and maybe you need to get to know Shivrang a little bit more, and maybe you need to slow this down so he can get to know you.

I'm getting married in three weeks.

Are you saying that I shouldn't get married in three weeks?

No. I'm just saying that maybe you should...

I knew it! I knew it!

You have been against this wedding from the beginning.

Fine! I don't think you should marry Shivrang if it means you have to change who you are.

Yeah, well, I don't need to take relationship advice from a girl who's in the middle of a seventh grade debacle with a boy across the hall!

Oh! - "Oh, I'm a single adult, and I kissed another

"single adult. What's gonna happen?

"Does Nick like me?

"I better go pick out a party dress.

I wear pajama sets!"

You question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship.

Let's say it, Jess! - You never asked me to be your maid of honor.

It's awful hot in here.

Who wants to cool down with a double scoop of Alfredo?

Not now, Alfredo!


♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪
♪ I'll let you lick the lollipop ♪
♪ Go ahead, girl, don't you stop ♪
♪ Keep going till you hit the spot. ♪

Congratulations, Cece.

Well, chaps, I guess we'll just have to make our own.

But first, I have to use the bathroom.

See you in a minute. This is fun.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?




Real fire. This fire is real.



What are you doing? You were supposed to take the picture.

Aah! It's burning so fast!

Go put it out!

You... Oh!

Look, you guys are acting really, really peculiar.

What is going on?

What is going on... is that, uh...

recently I've been one-half orphaned.

I'm sorry.

My-my dad passed away.

We orphans, man!

And it would mean the world to us ... not so much ...

if, uh...

I miss Walt so much.

If we can get a photo of your penis.

Wait. What? I'm sor...

It would help with the grieving, it would just...

For Walt, man.

All right, all right, enough!


We need a photo for... for Cece.

Cece? - Yeah. She's freaking out

'cause she's never seen you naked.

And she's afraid it looks all funky.

So just show us that it looks regular, and we all go home.

She's freaking out?

Look, guys, I've-I've got to go.

I have... I have to talk to her.

Oh, you're... We're all in the same car. Ugh!

You know, I'm gonna take care of this.

How are you gonna take of this?

Crop, rotate, rotate... and send.

What are you doing?

I mean, this.

I just send a picture of your penis to Jess... - No!

...and told her it was Shivrang's.


So now, we good.

You did not just do that.



What, Shivrang? Shivrang, what?


No, nothing. It's nothing. Don't.

Oh, my God.

"Shivrang's Shiv"?

You got your idiot roommates to kidnap my fiancé to take a picture of his penis?

Well, you were freaking out!

Well, see... Three more weeks of winter.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Get out!

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I immediately regret that.

Show me!


You are scared because you haven't seen your future husband's manhood?

Where I come from, women cry about this for days.

This is real.

This is not a dream.

Look, I've kept off the weight.

You knew me when action sandals were my necessary footwear.

What do you want? - Why do you think I want something?

Because I dated you for four years.

I know when you want something. What do you want?

I would like to take you to a wedding, because I miss you so much...

No, I can't take you seriously when you're wearing such tight pants.

Get to the point.

Okay, look, my model ex-girlfriend is getting married to some small little Indian man who I just don't understand.

Okay, and I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she gets very sad, and then, breaks off the wedding, and then, runs away with me.

No. Not a chance.


Wait, wait, wait, please.


I'm only gonna say this once.

You were the greatest boyfriend.

I loved Big Guy.

But then, you lost weight, and you got mean.

You stopped listening to me.

You changed completely.

You stopped paying for my dinner.

Elizabeth, to be fair, at that point, you were eating the lion's share of the food.

And you were sitting there eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.


Look, I loved Big Guy with all my heart.

But I have no interest in helping the guy who's standing in front of me now.

I hate your hair.

And I looked, and I looked, and I couldn't find it. Where is it?

And then, I realized, uh-oh.

That is not his leg.

Oh, hey, uh, Jess, uh, please tell me...

Hey... that nobody's looked at your photos in your phone.

Um... you're too late.

Cece looked at it.

We all looked at it.

Prize hog, Shivrang.


I'm so sorry they made you do it.

Oh, it's okay.

Actually, it wasn't mine.

What?! - What?!

Whose was it?

It was mine.

What?! No way!

Yeah, it was, uh... Those were my privates.

Are you serious?

I'm serious. Give me my phone. I want it back now.

I have a Dead Dad Pass. I have a Dead Dad Pass!

No! No! It's my property!

What is going on here?

And why is Alfredo crying in the elevator?

Hello, you.

What's up, Nadia?

It's just... it's just that there's so much we don't know about each other, and I...

It's fine. That's it. I'm showing it to you.

I'm showing you my software.

No, no, no! No, no!

It's called hardware, Jack.


If it run, I catch it.

I mean, I don't want to see it. I do. Okay.

But not-not... not here.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, I-I...

Sometimes it feels like we're just moving so fast, and I feel crazy that we're just...

jumping in blindly.

But maybe that's what makes this special.

It's just a real leap of faith, Shivrang.

Yeah, uh, but look, the first thing that you need to know about me is that it's actually pronounced Shivrung.

I don't know how to pronounce your name?! - No, no.

You were just so pretty, I didn't want to correct you.

But look, the most important thing is that I am gonna do my best to make you the happiest woman on the face of the earth.

Shavvy's getting nasty.

Shavvy a dog.


We're friends now.

Dead Dad Pass.


Look, Cece...

I just wanted to say that if I was ever selfish in our relationship...

What do you mean, "if," and what do you mean, "relationship"?

That's fair. Um...

if I was...

I sincerely apologize.

So, challenge unaccepted. I don't want a plus-one.

I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

Good night, Schmidt.

Schmidty out.



I just want to say, um, I'm really sorry about...

No. I'm-I'm... I'm sorry.

And there's, uh...

There's something I've been wanting to ask you.

It's not traditional in Indian weddings to have a maid of honor, but...

I would really love it if you would be mine.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know...


Yes! Oh, my God, thank you so much for asking me!

I paid. All yours, no judgments.

Why'd you come back, Schmidt?

The Big Guy is...

Well, he's still somewhere inside this... perfect body.

He needs you to coax him out a little bit.

Please tell him what to do next.

Eat the pizza.

Eat all the pizza...

while I watch... right now.


Oh. It's so greasy.

So many carbs.

Hey guys... Oh boy.

Welcome home, melted cheese.


I don't even know what pepperoni's made of.

It's so good.

Is that your happy dance, big boy?

I love it.

Oh, there he is.


There's my big guy.

It's like waking up from a bad salad dream.

♪ Big guy in the house.

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