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  2x20 - Chicago
 Posted: 03/28/13 15:54
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Guess what! I got balloons.

From a guy in a van.

I love this neighborhood.

I just love it.

Oh, what does that...?

"Me so horny." Very good.

"No credit, no problem!"

And "Happy 100th, Jane!"

I don't think she made it, but she lived a good life.

NICK (Shouts):

Shut up!

Who booby-trapped me?

(Phone ringing)

Stop! Shut up!

It's my mom.

Get off of me!

NICK: Yeah, Mom, hey.

(High-pitched): Nick's just mad

'cause that punk-ass balloon beat his ass.

Hey, no huffing. Come on, guys.


Take these seriously, Winston.

I didn't buy the balloons to have you guys...

(High-pitched): If you do that one more time, I'm gonna break your faces in.

(High-pitched laughter)

Uh, my dad died.

Yeah, I guess he had a heart attack.

I got to go back to, uh, Chicago and, uh, go to the funeral and everything.


Well, are you guys gonna say anything or...


That's terrible, Nick.

Wow, we're so sorry.

SCHMIDT: If there's anything we can do, please.

Come here. Not Walt. Just...

Give me a hug.


We love you.

Love you, Nick.

Stay strong.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪

JESS: So this is where Nick Miller grew up.

Well, except for the fall of '88

to spring of '89.

That was our van year.

JESS: I just want you to know I am here for you.


I'm gonna be strong for you, man.

You know, I really did love Walt.

He was my dad, Winston.

Yeah, but, I mean, he loved me more than he loved you.

He told me that.

Yeah, he told me that, too, actually.



You okay, Schmidt?

I didn't want to make this about me, but...

the airline lost my bag.

I wanted to look fantastic for your father's funeral.

Now I have nothing but the schmatta on my back.


All right. Let's do this.

WINSTON: Uh, Jess, we should warn you.

Nick's family ... a little crazy.

MAN 1: It's called pop! MAN 2: Just call it soda.

It's soda, all right?

It's not! It's not!

Hey, Uncle Nicky. Hey, man.

No, it's called soda.

It's called pop!

It's called soda. It's called soda.

Why would you call it soda if it's pop?

You call your dad pop!


It's Nick.

Hey. Nickels.

My brother Nick's back, guys.

My condolences, all right?

Hey, thanks for making it out.

Sorry about that. Your brother's being a douche.

Yeah. I'm not being a douche! I'm emotional!

Oh, God...

You've been a douche all day.

I mean, why?

I know. I know.

You been... you been crying a bunch, buddy?


He'll get your shoulder all wet, too.

Hey, look, don't do the hair-pull. It's so intimate.

NICK: You okay? JAMIE: I'm not okay!

Jamie, here's what I need you to do: Grab a bunch of kids and teach them how to build a snowman outside.

I can't do that! I already did it already!

He put the carrot in the crotch.

Why'd you put the carrot in the crotch?

JAMIE: 'Cause they told me to! NICK: They're kids.

JAMIE: Those kids are cool! I wanted to hang out!

Don't trust cops.


Hey, Ma.


Oh. I miss him, Nicky.

Yeah, I know, Ma.

That bastard was a saint.

A saint.

The bastard.

I know. Come here. Hey.

This is getting very personal. May...

Maybe none of us should go to the funeral.

The early buzz on this thing is that it's gonna be a real drag.

So what still needs to get done? We need to, uh, get the groceries, uh, plan the funeral, call the paper...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you say "plan the funeral"?

That's why you're here, Nicky.

You take care of everything.

I got the napkins!

Oh, that's so hot.

Great, Jamie.

Is Nick taking care of people?

Yeah, with Pop-Pop coming and going, Nick had to step up and be the man of the family.

Pretty much takes care of all of them.

Don't laugh when they call him responsible.

They don't know why that's hilarious.

Um... Oh... Hi, Mrs. Miller.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If there's anything I can do to help, I...

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Jess. NICK: This is Jess, my new roommate.

Um, so nice to meet you.

I've told you about her.

Winnie and Fat Schmidt I know. Hey, boys.

JESS: I just wanted to say that I'm here and happy to do anything.

Is she a Spanish?

Um... I'm from Portland, Oregon.

Land of books.




Are you guys, uh...

Jamie, I'm begging you to shut up.

Your father always wanted to have a funeral just like Elvis had, so that's what we're gonna give him.

A funeral like Elvis had?

That means...

12 white limos and an Elvis impersonator...

NICK: Dad's gonna get the funeral you want him to have, okay?

So tell me what needs to get done, and I'll just do it.

Oh, the eulogy.


you'll do the eulogy, right?


I don't think I should do it.

You just say a bunch of nice stuff all in a row.

Do it, College. You got it.

Nick, you have to.

JESS: You should do it. JAMIE: Come on, Nicky.

You should do it. Do a good poem. Do one of your good ones.

BOBBY: Come on, man. You got to.

Yeah, okay. Sure. I'll, uh...

That's my boy.

He takes care of everything.


Hey, Jess.

It's like a whole secret life for you.

You're not even looking at the numbers.

Aunt Ruthie used to call this the Iron Jew.



Are you having time to process this?

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford.


And I think a white one's out of reach.

Is there anything I could do to help?

The eulogy.


Oh, that would be really helpful 'cause that's been getting in my way a little bit.

I didn't really know your dad except...

the one hour that I committed fraud with him.

That's all there is to know, really.

I think that's, you know, one task I think maybe is better if you...

Look, I've got to figure out an Elvis theme.

You know, Elvis-themed flowers and food and music all in a day.

I just... You asked if there was anything you could do, and there is.


Yay! Thank you.

I'll do it.


Oh, you are the best.

Hey, Nick.


For Elvis-themed music, what about Elvis?

I'm really... I'm so slammed right now.

I can't hear, like, new stuff.

WINSTON: Looking good, man. This was Walt's best suit.

Look at all these buttons, Winston.

I look like a remote control.

It looks good.

I can't mourn in this.

I don't even know how to use these buttons.

Hey, look, we're not mourning, okay?

This is a celebration, you know? That's what funerals are about...

Winston, I just can't go to the funeral, okay?

I don't want to go!

What the hell is the problem?

Look, I really want to support Nick. I do.

I want to support his family.

I want to be there for him, but...

I'm scared of death.

Uh... wow. Uh...

Schmidt, you know, death is natural, you know?

It's a natural part of life. Everybody's scared of death.

Death, Winston.


Death. Death.

And let me ask you something, Winston:

What's with this open casket thing?

All of a sudden, I-I got to walk in and I got to see the carcass?

That's crazy.

What if... what if his eyes open?

What if his eyes open, and then he comes and haunts all of us? Why do... Why...

Literally, why are the buttons on here?

Because they're not holding anything together, yet I don't know which buttons are buttoned.

How do you get this thing off, Winston?!

I don't understand this middle-class button system!

Get it off of me!


So I don't think I'm gonna go to the funeral, man.

I think I'm gonna hang back.

So, um, I'm helping Nick with the eulogy.

I'll give you the goods on Walt, Glasses Face.

My pop had a table at every diner in the city.

He had silverware from the finest hotels in the area.

He had a gold chain as thick as floss.

But, like, thick floss.

Wait, Walt's got that chain?

Yeah, he got that chain. That's his chain.

That was my dad's chain.

No, it was Walt's signature piece.

No, he got that from the Seiko watch deal.

No, he got it from the dishwasher arrangement.

No, he didn't. JAMIE: Yes, he did.

My dad took a dart in the eye for that.

I don't care what your dad took a dart in the eye for.

Guys. Guys, guys, guys.

Can we refocus? JAMIE: I can't!

Because he's accusing my father of thievery! - Hey!

Can we just talk about Walt? JAMIE: Yeah, so what's the deal with you and Nick? Are you guys, uh...

Could you...

could you stop doing that with your eyebrows?

Please stop doing... Stop.

They're doing it. They're doing it.



Whoever denied it supplied it.

Now, this would be the casket.


And now I'm dead.

So approach me and don't be afraid.

Just promise not to move, all right?

That's what I'm afraid of most.

Are you k... are you kidding me?

Also, you can't breathe.

Schmidt, I need to breathe, okay?

Because I'm coaching you, and also for regular life reasons.

Now, just calm down, find a joyful memory and let it lift you to the sky.



You left us too soon, you beautiful black butterfly.

Start over.

You know, when we first met, I thought that we would be rivals.

For Nick's attention, for who wore Easter colors best.

And then rivalry became friendship.


We've laughed, we've swum.

You cut my toenails.

Are you the brother that I never had?


You're the brother that I've always had.

That was beautiful.

(Shouts) What are you doing, man?!

You moved! Whoa! What the hell?

Of course I moved! I'm not a real dead person!

You ghoul!

Why do I do this for you?

Forget it, man. I'm never going to this thing.

You just made it worse.

What's wrong with you?


What if it wasn't six feet under?

How much for three feet?

I've gone through half a pack of ciggie gum here.

You want some of my weed?

Where are we on the food?

We-we got to have Elvis food.

Ma, I'm making calls right now.

It's got to be perfect.

It's gonna be perfect. You just got to let me do it. - If the food isn't Elvis-themed, does it matter that much?

You got a problem with Elvis?

I don't... (Stammers) - No, she didn't say that. I'm gonna have to call you back.

No, she didn't say that. She didn't say that about Elvis. - I was just suggesting that maybe the Elvis theme doesn't matter as much...

You don't think Elvis is important?

She knows Elvis is important, Ma!

Elvis is everything!

I know. He's the King. He's the King.

I'm sorry, Bonnie. He's the King.



I'm here to help, but I can't write this eulogy. - Wait, what?

Do you want some of my weed? NICK: I asked you to do one thing.

I need you to write the eulogy.

But I didn't know Walt.

Nobody wants to hear what I have to say about my dad.

It doesn't matter what you say. You just... you h...

you have to say good-bye to him.

I'm not asking you to do too much.

Just write my father's eulogy.

I can't handle this!

JESS: Nick. BOBBY: My dad's chain!

JESS: Nick. BOBBY: I want that chain!

JAMIE: Hey, Nick! Nick! He popped me right in my cherry!

That's not what that means, Jamie!

JAMIE: Then what does it mean?! JESS: Nick!

Where are you going?

(Door shuts)

I forgot my jacket. It's really cold outside!


Nick, wait!


(Organ playing)



When's the last time you saw Nick?

Is he not here?

What are you guys talking about?

Schmidt, if you want to hear what we're saying, come over here.

Don't shout across the room.

It's bad luck to see the body before the funeral.

No, that's, like, a wedding thing, Schmidt.


I think I said something to Nick.

I think this is my fault.

Hey, everybody! I brought Elvis!

NICK: Funeral saved. WINSTON: What?

Hey, happy funeral, Jess.

What happened?

What happened is I found this guy at the bar and he fits into the costume, so for 20 bucks, he's gonna be Elvis.

I thought you wanted me to kill Elvis for 20 bucks.

Then why would I give you the outfit, Brendan?

The element of surprise?

(Chuckling): Yeah.

The mirror effect?

He's gonna be perfect.


Whose birthday is it?

No, it's my dad's funeral.

I'm gonna go find cake.

How much have you had to drink?

One dozen beers. And I wrote...

I did what you asked me to do, Jessica.

I wrote the, uh, gigleography.

The what?

The gigleography.

A "gigleography"?


Elegy? Eulogish.

You wrote the eulogy.

That's what I've been saying the whole time ... it's right here.

"Walt Miller. Am I right?"

Am I right? Am I right?

That's terrible.


All right, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna sober up Nick and... and Elvis.

You, go buy us some time.

All right, Schmidt, stop asking people if they can smell the body. That is rude. - I'll try.

It's inappropriate and it's offensive, okay?

Okay, but I just...

All right? It's what's what I'm thinking.

I got this. Shh. I got this.

Just don't say anything, okay? Come on.


Uh... the chain.

Some... someone should stop...

'Cause he's taking the chain.

Hey, hey, quit it, man.

Don't do that.

Hey, beat it, Cali.

Long Island, son.

I don't care.

Get off of it, man.

Just stop it. Stop it.

You touching me? You touching me?

Yeah, I'm touching you.

You don't touch me.

I don't want to go near that.

You don't touch me!

Quit it.

Do you want to go?


Come on, do it. Come on, come on.

Here we go.

Get away from Walt's chain, man!

I'm just saying...

I... n-no! N-n-n-n-no!

Please, no, no, no, no! No!


Shut up.


Shut up.

There's no desecration.

Don't interrupt me.

That's my dad's chain, and I'm taking it.

Shut your mouth.

What's wrong with you?


Bobby, shut up.

Dude, he's dead. What are you doing?

What are you doing?


What are you doing?

I'm not afraid.

Not afraid of what? I'm not afraid.

I can do this.

I can do this all day.

Come on, don't do that.

All day, son.

Come on, don't-don't put your head in there.

Don't put your head in there, all right?

All day.

Dude, that's my uncle. SCHMIDT: Come get your chain, Boston!

What? All day!

All day! All day!

All day!

I don't need it.

I don't want it.

What's up!

I know you told me to write it, but I couldn't.

I didn't have anything to say.

You're mad at me.

You've got the mad face.

I'm not mad at you, Nick.

I'm not mad at you.

I have your back.

No matter what, no matter how stupid it gets, and...

you and I both know it can get really, really stupid.

I am the stupidest of all the stupid boys.


I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna hold your hand, and I wanted to tell you that last night, but you ran away.


(Loud grunt)

(Grumbles, sighs)

I want to meet your mom.


Oh, my God.

Hey, Elvis!

What are we going to do, Winnie?

Everyone's waiting.

Mrs. Miller, how about I just go up there and I say a few words?

Keep it light, keep it happy.


Don't mention the felony thing.

Or Paraguay, or the storage space.

Hey, y'all.


Now, some of y'all know me.

I am Winston.

And I look at today as a celebration.

So let's have a party. MAN: That's right.

You know, because a party is what Walt would have...

(Clearing throat)

(Choking up):

A party is...

a party, uh...


Walt would have wanted us to have a party. WOMAN: Oh, dear.

(Winston grunts)



I can do this.

I can do this, I can do this.


(Wailing sobs)

Oh, Walt!

I can't do this no more, Walt!

(Winston wails)

(Wailing continues in distance)

Hey. You done with this?

Hey! What's going on?



This is Elvis?


This funeral's going down the toilet.

I promised Walter it'd be beautiful and full of life.

I promised.

I'm sending everyone home.

Wait. Bonnie.

Are you tapping me on the shoulder, girlie?

Let me make this totally clear.

I don't want you here.

I don't know you.

I don't know your people.

You tap me twice?

I... please wait for Nick.

It's important.

Then why is he not here?

No eulogy? No Elvis?

I'd rather not have a funeral if it's not gonna honor my husband.

(Brendan groaning)


And I'm out.

(Clears throat)

I want to thank you for coming, but it's, uh, over now, so...

(Crowd murmuring)

JESS (Imitating Elvis):

Stop the funeral!

Everybody sit down.

This is the King.

What the hell?

I think you mean...

"What the heaven?"


It's Elvis.

♪ As the snow flies ♪
♪ On a cold and gray Chicago ♪

What is this?

♪ A poor little baby child ♪
♪ Was born ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ And his mama cried ♪
♪ Cause if there's one thing that she don't need ♪
♪ It's another hungry mouth to feed ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪

You know, this is every day in North Korea.

♪ Down in Chi-town ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto. ♪

I'm gonna hit her.

Mom, please.

Dad would've liked this.

He would've faked a slip and fall and sued the funeral home.


But he would've liked this.

(Nick chuckles)

Thank you, Jess.

You're welcome, Mama.




I used to always tell my dad that I hated Elvis just to piss him off.

And he would get really mad the way Walt could get really mad.

And, uh, he would turn it up loud just to spite me and sing all the Elvis songs.

He was very good at gambling.


He had a great mustache.


Hey, man.


And he was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way.

And he never was scared.


How did he do that?


I don't know if Walt was...

a good guy or a bad guy in the whole scheme of things, you know.

But he was my dad, and I'm sure gonna miss him.

♪ ♪

You okay, Mama?

Yeah, I'm gonna be okay, Mama.

♪ 'Cause if there's one thing ♪
♪ That she don't need ♪
♪ It's another hungry mouth to feed ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪


♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪


♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪

(Laughs) OTHERS: ♪

In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪



♪ In the ghetto ♪

I really feel transported to the ghetto.

♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto... ♪

BOBBY: You owe me a gold chain, or at least the price of a gold chain.

Or maybe just a giant lobster. It's all about the gesture, and I will get my gesture.

My face touched the mustache of a carcass today, Bobby.

I'm not afraid of you.

I got some advice for you:

Stay out of Boston.

What, you gonna keep me out of the whole city?

I work TSA at Logan.

I'll put a gun in your luggage.

Why do you got to bring weapons into it, Bobby?

Hey, wh-where do you think you're going with that hat?

Bonnie, I just really wanted something to remember him by.

Uh-huh. Empty your pockets.

Okay, look, all I got is this fishing wire and a Wrigley ticket stub with a button, and then there's the...

there's the leg to his favorite chair, and there's the...


You keep it all.

Hey, Bonnie.

Oh, sorry.


I almost tapped you.

(Laughing): You scare me.


Pretty fun weekend all in, though, right?

I packed you a snack for the trip.


Cheese puffs.

Thank you.


Come here.



JAMIE: Oh, hey, Nick?


How far away you are from getting married?

I don't know.

'Cause, uh, you know, DeAnn and I were thinking about getting married, so...

Jamie, you know, brothers don't have to get married in order.

DeAnn, we're doing this!

Hey, I couldn't find the, uh, cat.

I looked all over, but I just decided to clean out the litter box.

I... owe you an apology.

What are you talking about?

We all depended on you so much, and you were just a kid.

Don't do this, Ma.

I'm just saying.

You're going through enough.

I'm glad you have someone who takes care of you.

I love you, Ma.

Visit more.

So I don't have to talk to your brother all the time.


She said yes!



(Nick screaming)

♪ Ooh, hoo, hoo ♪
♪ I feel my temperature rising ♪
♪ Burning, burning ♪
♪ Must be 109 ♪
♪ Cause your ♪
♪ Kisses light my fire ♪
♪ And the sweet sound of the choir ♪
♪ And you light my morning sky ♪
♪ Of burning love ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk ♪
♪ Of burning love, ooh. ♪

Pallbearers, please come down.

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