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  2x16 - Table 34
 Posted: 02/06/13 23:21
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Look how handsome I look.

That is a woman's coat.

This coat has clean lines...

and pockets that don't quit.

And it has room for your hips.

And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.

You're wearing a dress.

Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."

My coat makes me say things like that.

First of all, Nick, it is not your coat.

True, it was delivered to the wrong address.

But then tell me, why does it fit like a damn glove?

What is happening to you, man?

I don't know if I can give up looking this damn good ...

It's someone else's woman's coat.


I mean, nothing? Damn it!

I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour.

It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.

Eww! You have the door open, Schmidt.

I'm over myself ... I just don't do it for me anymore.

I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up ... didn't happen.

I just laid there.

You know what? That's it.

Tonight, I start having sex again.

Now, are you two gonna join me?

Not while I'm here, please.

Is that the way you wanted to say that?

I'm in, Schmidty! I am in!

I'm gonna have sex tonight.



♪ Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess.

I like this feeling, you guys. I'm liking the vibe that we got going here. There's definitely gonna be some sex-having tonight.

Oh, yeah...

Damn it, there needs to be.

You know I haven't had sex since Labor Day?

I know what the problem is ... I want it too bad.

So, what's your name?

Winst... W-W-W... yeah.

You just need a confidence boost.

Good news ... I'm lousy with the stuff I got your back tonight.

And you, London Fog, you're looking hot to trot, baby.

Any chance you're gonna take that coat off?

This jacket? No way.

I'm keeping the jacket on.

Take the jacket off.

No, I'm keeping the jacket on.

No, it's fine.

Band of brothers.

Band of brothers, yeah!

The club's up... Dance, dummy.

Hey, guys. Guess what?

Sam has the late shift and Cece's on a date with some Indian guy, so world's best wing-woman reporting for duty.

Jess, you can't come.


Look, I actually want to get girls tonight.

You're my cooler.


All I do is help you get laid, Nick.

Maureen, did you have one very special long-time love?


You should be with him.

I'm not your cooler.

It's not you.

It's the way that you behave.

And the things that you say.

And the look on your face.


It is you.

It's just you ... you're the cooler.

I'm sorry, but you can't come with us tonight.

I get it. Um...

I just... I have, um, a lot of things I have to do.

More important stuff to do here.

I have to clean out my closet and...

Oh, yeah.

I have an ice cream maker to try out.

That's better than going to a stupid club.

It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be great.

Shut up.

Get out of here, girl, you're missing nothing.

It's gonna get so crazy.

Come on, buddy, get in there.

Get crunk with us, bro.

Yeah-ha-ha! Yeah!

I can't believe you got us kicked out of the discotheque, Nick.

I didn't even do anything.

Damn it, Nick, take the coat off, all right? It freaks girls out.

Well, maybe they're freaked out

'cause you're not wearing a trench coat.

Yeah? Have you ever thought of that?

Okay, guys, please ...

no more friendly fire.

All right.


Ooh, Schmidty type.

That's a Schmidty type right there.

That's me. Yeah, yeah. Schmidty time...

I feel good. Yeah. Schmidty time.

Schmidt! Hey, dude!


What about band of brothers?

Your friendship means nothing to me.

Every man for himself.

Hey, uh...


I was, uh...

Most... M-M...

Okay... Yeah, can you...

In the beginning...

Tap out, man. Tap out.

What happened to building my confidence, Schmidty?

You went in too soon. Get out of here.




What's happening?


Wow, that was embarrassing.



You can relax.

I'm taken.

You were very beautiful from across the bar.

I'm sorry. I'm Schmidt.

I'm sorry... we were talking, Schmidt.

What a ten, what a beautiful woman.

He works here.

As a bartender.

Yeah, I do.

February clean-out.

What do you think, Nick?

I'm bored!

No bottoms, no bottoms.

Bottoms on top!

Robot can't find clothes to fit right.

Robot can't find clothes.

I do it for Kenya.


Damn you, Zimbabwe.



Nice coat you got there.

Well, I just actually wear it 'cause it gives me confidence.

That's kind of sad.

You know what's really sad is that he stole the jacket.

It's not technically stealing.

He's still reeling from being dumped.


He's attached to it.

Like a little bitch "bwanky."

It's not like a blanky, dude.

It looks like a "bwanky."

It's not like my "bwanky."

The only reason I'm out tonight is to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

That's not true. I'm not gonna...

Shut up, Schmidt.

I mean, I could take care of you, if you wanted.

You can what?

I love sad guys and you seem sadder than most.

I think your plan sounds okay.

When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror and just think,

"I am the worst"?

Actually yes, I do.


Yeah, a lot of the times.

You hate yourself?

I definitely don't like myself.

It's right on the line of hate.

What the hell is this?

I don't know how to talk to women.

Reason being, I feel like you all think that I just want one thing from you.


I want the one thing.

But a bunch of other th... can a man just want all the things?

I mean, damn.

I like a challenge.

And you are one big challenge.

I'm Daisy.


Sam, it's Jess.

Please come get me.

I'm probably fine, but I also might be dead.


It's Cece, leave a message.

Cece, it's Jess ... call me back, I'm alone in the loft.

I think there's something out...

There's something sexy about a man who just needs me to make him feel better.

I honestly need you to make me feel better.

Nicholas, your phone's ringing.

Not now, Schmidt!

Hey, Jess. It's Jess.

Schmidt, stop.

You should really talk to her.

Unbelievable. I am so sad.

Nicholas, you have a phone call.

Don't do this, Schmidt, please don't.

You are the dumbest...

Would you wait one second?

I'm just... I just have to do this.

I'll be sad in a second.




I'm sad.


Uh, what is going on?

There's something at the door and you have to come home.

Cooler, Jess ... you are being a cooler right now.

Seriously, I think it might be gang related.

I've always been worried about my blue curtains...


The Cri... Jess, I'm done!

Nick, I need you.

Yeah, so this is the place.

I'm really glad you're here.

The bedrooms are that way...

What are you doing, pal?

Never leave me alone again.

I'd like to introduce you to our roommate Jess.

Welcome to our home.

Jess, this loft has old pipes ...

I've told you that a million times, but you never listen during pipe talk.

Well, pipe talk's boring.

What is this?

What is what...?

You drew my face on a melon?

What else was I supposed to draw your face on?

Nothing. Don't draw my face.


Jess, for some reason, that girl out there, she is sexually aroused by other people's misery.

Do you understand the position that puts me in?

It puts you in a really good position?

It really does. And then what happens?

Okay, I understand how, in this instance, I might have cooled things off for you.

Thank you for admitting that.

I am prepared to fix it.

'Cause, son, I'm gonna get you laid.

Okay, it's not how it is and never call me "son"

and don't talk like that.

The game is True American

Clinton rules.

Pick your interns.

I don't understand the game.

Uh, you're gonna be my intern.

It's okay, it's stripping.

It's not just stripping, it's sexy.

Okay, so what exactly are the rules?

The floor is lava, doves versus hawks.

The couch is the Mason-Dixon line.

We're not doing cabinets ... no cabinets.

No cabinet.

No cabinets.

One, two, three, four, JFK!


Go, go ... that's the lava!

Down, down in the tunnel.


I'm the President, you're the Vice President.

Joe Biden!

It's Abu Nazir!


No, no, no, no! Spin, spin, spin, spin!

Fly! Do the chicken dance!

No, no counter clock-wise?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Holly, you're in the Amber Waves of Grain.

You have to lose your jacket.


Take off your jacket; She's right.

Those are the rules.

Is there, like, a printout of the rules I can see, or...?



I thought this was like music...

Howard Dean Scream.



I am sorry I was crying so much.

God, that film, it just... it just reminded me how much I want to have kids, you know?

Was that just a really weird thing to say on a first date?


Are you sure? It felt a bit weird.

Oh, my best friend has texted me, like, 12 times.

I get it ... you're just trying to get out of the date.

No, no, no ... no, this is real.

It's the kids thing. I knew it.

Some psycho keeps scratching at her door and then running away.

She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher.

I mean, is that a thing?


I don't keep up with local news.

I don't know, it's fine.

You don't have to lie to me.

I get it.

You can come with me.

Okay? Then you'll see.

Well, all right.

She's just like this.

Schmidt, Schmidt, Schmidt!

Schmidt, Schmidt, Schmidt!

Gettysburg, Bull Run.

Oh, no, oh, no, I think I fell ... oh, no.

In the course of human events, you must...

Surrender your shirt!

Fine, I'll take off my shirt.

He did it on purpose ... he did it to impress her!


I am not...

I am not a crook!

I am not a crook!

What do you mean, man?

I took my shirt off! Wait! It's part of the game, you guys!

Up, up, up. I'm up! Oh, wow!

This footstool really reminds me of my ex.

Liar! Holly, Holly, look at these ... these are my abs.

Hard to believe that I used to be a great big fat person.

Oh, fat makes me so sad.

Yeah, it makes me sad, too.

I'm chubby... I'm a fat guy.

You look great, man.

I'm a fat boy.

Feel where the fat used to be?


Yeah, it's been replaced with phantom fat.

I still feel it jiggle.

Hey, Schmidt, your butt just violated the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act Westward Ho, son! Westward Ho.

Bye-bye, Schmidt.

Damn it.

Come on, all you got to do is talk to her, what's the big deal?

Okay, mm...

You're at the bar ... I'm Holly.

Boy, am I thirsty.

I was wondering if, like...

if you want... if you want, per chance, like...

"Per chance," really?

Hm? No, it's, uh...

You're a swell kind of gal.

Getting worse.

You come on out to the bar.

Hey, girl, what your name is?

Oh, my God.

What that thing do?

Oh, my God.

Out of all the gals in this...

God... what...

you walked into mine.



Yeah, take a sip.

Okay, look, I think you're amazing.

Would you like to have a drink with me?

Yes, yes, I will.

Now give me that.

This coat is an unfair advantage ... take it off.

I love the coat.

Take the coat off!

Hey, Schmidt!

Hey, hey! No!

Order! Order!

All right, there's only one way to solve this.

Two of us have to go behind the Iron Curtain, which is that door there, and kiss.

And there has to be a "clear and present threat of tongue."

This is why I voted for you.

Holly, you ready for this?

Definitely against the president's order.


Let's do the count.

The two, three or four.

So when we do this, do two.

Okay. Not three, not one, not four ... two.

A one or a three. Anything but a two.

Just not a two. Two. Do you hear me? Two. Not four.

One, two, three.

What are you doing? You said not to do a two!

I made it so clear!



...brought the change in!

Mulligan! Mulligan!

Holly, wait for me! I'm very sad!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Open the door! Open the door!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

I can see how in this second instance I might be considered a cooler...

if you want to label me.

You think?

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Okay, we kissed. Let us out. Sent you a picture.

That ain't no kiss, man!

Come on, Inspector Gadget, inspect those tonsils.

Just give Jess a tender, sensual kiss, and we will let you right out.

Shut up, Schmidt!

Schmidt, stay out of this!

Please stop yelling at me!

You know that I'm ten percent more emotionally fragile than Nick right now.

No, no, don't! No, please!

Don't! Don't!

Do you mind if I tell you a story?

Is it sad?

Holly, he's really happy!

He's got a 401K and a six-pack!

Well, it's the tale of an uber successful marketing executive's journey...

I'm hairy and chubby!

...into heartbreak.


Her name was Cecelia.


Come on, come on. Holly, wait!

Ugh! What is the big deal?

Let's just suck it up and French a little.

Okay, fine, but don't say

"Let's suck it up and French a little."

Okay, fine. Let's do this.

What were you doing?!

Well, I thought you're sitting on the ground.

No. I... Okay.


Okay, Jess, hey, this is not a big deal.

Okay, not a big deal. Let's just do it.

Fine. Let's just do it.

Okay. Great, yeah.

Let's just do it.

Okay, cool.

Why are you licking your lips?

Should I not? Do you want dry lips?


Then I'm just licking 'em to make 'em better.



Do it.

I'm doing it.

Fine, then do it.

Are you a tongue-er?

Am I a tongue-er?

I don't want to put my tongue in your mouth, if you don't like it.

Just kiss me!

Okay, all right, great.

That's what I'm gonna do.

All right.



One, two... I'm actually not gonna do a count.


That's not my style when I kiss.

I don't count down before...


I don't think so.




I'm sorry. You can't do that.

What did I do?

Your face.

My face?

Yeah, you can't do that with your face.

Okay, I'll do something different with my face.

Okay, all right, great.

Wait ... you can't kiss with your teeth!

Okay, I can't ... no, I can't do this.

Well, you can't try to kiss me like a Joker and expect...

Okay, you're... let me out of here!

Let me out! Sometimes, I hear her name when the wind blows.


Open the door! Cece.

You know, I left something behind in the desert that day:

My faith and true love...

and my future biracial child.

You, you kind of lost me there.

Not really doing it for me.

It's more depressing than sad.

It's not depress...

It's depressing.

It's sort of depressing.

No, no, no, it's not depressing.

It's not really doing it for me.

I'm gonna tell you why it's not depressing.

Because she is still in love with me.

I'm over it completely.

Having said that, it's so hard to move on.

Do-do you know what I mean?


Can you help me move on, Holly?

You need help moving.

Can you heal my pain?

I can heal your pain.

Can you ple...

I can heal you.

Yeah, you can heal my...

Hey, Jess? Where's Jess? Jess, where are you? I came as fast as I can.

Cece, open the door!

Cece, don't worry! I'm just trapped I need to kill Schmidt!

Until I kiss Nick!


You're the... She's the Cece?

Right there, in the flesh.

You are obsessed!

Cece, honey, you have to move on, okay?

You can't love somebody forever.

I'm sorry. You love that small shiny man?


What do you mean, small, man?

None of this is true.

No, because I'm on a date.

Should we make out to make him jealous or something?

Are you lying to me? I really hate being lied to.

I would never lie to you. I haven't lied to you this whole time we've been in this loft ... that's a fact.

Cece, uh...


...please tell me, in front of Holly, how much you still love me.

I'm sorry. Is this why we came here?

Please, I don't really know what that accent is.


I speak English. That didn't sound like English.

It will be my final request, I promise, so both of us can move on.

'Cause I, you know, I'd really like to move on.

I get it.

I'd like to move on all night long with Holly.

Okay, I get it.

I'm only gonna say this one more time.

I always have and always will...

love you.

All right, all right, you know, this is the most elaborate way to get out of dating me that I've ever experienced, so...

Winny, it's Nicky.

Open the door, man!

I guess the game's over.

I thought we were working together.

I was gonna start on your confidence and work my way up to your facial hair.

What's your fiancé

gonna say about that?

Oh, this? I just wear it so guys don't hit on me in bars.


I'm single.

What are you gonna do about it, huh?

I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do.

Okay, I'm waiting.

Um, so...

Still waiting.

Don't say anything!

She sounds weird! Just let us out!

Just open the door.


C minus. You kiss like a damn bitch.

Oh, you're messing with me; Okay.

Little bit.

Nick, I'm gonna admit it.

I might be your cooler.

I chalk it up to bad timing.

Well, thank you for admitting that.

But to be fair, you are your own cooler

70% of the time.

Some basic grooming, Nick, and you'd be smoking hot.

I'd be smoking hot?

You'd be smoking hot.

You do want to kiss me, then.

All bets are off if you take a shower.

That is very nice of you.

Jess, are you okay? I got your message!

What's happening?

Sam, I'm so sorry. Yeah... here, I'll help you up. I'll help you up.

It was a false alarm.

All right.

What are you doing back there?

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Okay, let's just do this already.

Just kiss me.

No, I'm not gonna kiss you.

Kiss me!

Jess, stop!

God! Miller, just kiss me already!

No, not like this!

That, that...

What? What does that mean?

No, I didn't...

Nothing. I just, I didn't mean it like that.

I just, we can't like that because that's not... Do you know, like...?

It's very, like, you don't...

That's not what it...

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

If you'll excuse me.

Nick, what are you doing?

What are you do...?

I'm fine.


I just have to move this, right here ... my back. Aah!

Okay, this makes sense.

What are you doing?!

I just need a little air...

What are you doing?!

This is what I needed. This is... Ah-ha-ha!

Nick, you don't have to kiss me!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Help! Help me!

I made a very bad mistake!

Nick, no! No!

Help me open this window! Help!

Don't jump!

Hold it right there!

You scared me half to death out there.

Are you not getting enough attention?

I'm fine! I am fine!

You wouldn't let me out.

I was partly joking!

Nick, we will talk about this in the morning.

Yes, we will. But first...

I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl.


I'm sorry.

I'm glad you're okay.

I'm fine. I'm just, I got...

Hey, Nick, if you ever feel the urge to jump again, you call me.

Thank you.

I am genuinely afraid of her.

I wish you didn't do that.

Close the door.

Thank you.

That was freakin' hilarious!

I mean, Jess, he jumped out on a ledge instead of kissing you.

Can you believe that?

I'm an idiot.

Well, he's missing out.

You want to go to bed?




The scratching's back.

All right, all right.

Jess, I'll take care of it.


There's nobody there.

Admiral! Brian!

Admiral Hornbeck! Brian, down!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes he gets out... Is that my coat?


I thought my package was delivered here.

It's her coat.

I was knocking and knocking.

Are you sleeping in it?!

I think he might have been.


'Cause it's a fantastic coat.

It gives me confidence.

Man, that is a woman's coat.

What are you doing?

All right, well, this is not the...

Give her the coat, Nick.

I love this coat.

So much weird crap happens in this apartment.

He's really sorry.


Well, I guess the old Nick is back, huh?

Yeah. I'm gonna miss Trench Coat Nick.

He was pretty great.

I might miss him.

I liked him.

He had guts.

It was a woman's coat.

Good night, Nick.

Good night.

I meant something like that.

Oh, uh, hey, babe, do you mind if I, uh, put this somewhere else?

It's kind of, it's kind of creeping me out when I'm trying to go to sleep.

Yeah, that's fine.


That's fine.


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