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  2x03 - Fluffer
 Posted: 10/04/12 00:38
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You're a big girl. You can watch The Walking Dead alone.

Sam booty-called me.

Ooh, Sam, he's so hot.

I don't care. Good night.



I need your help.

I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex.

I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.

You don't even know what that is.

No, sir, I do not know what that is.

I panicked. Help me.

Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex?

So what? You're a girl.

I deserve to have a shorty on the side.

Okay, a shorty is not... that's the wrong use of "shorty."

Hey, I drew a cat.

Sorry, man.

She's, uh, checking her fantasy football 'cause she...

Yeah, I'm not gonna do this, so I-I don't even...

? Who's that girl? ?

?Who's that girl? ?

? It's Jess. ?

Are we gonna talk about it?

Talk about what, Winston?

The belt, Schmidt. Please explain the belt.

It's after Labor Day. I'm wearing whales.

The dumbest thing ever.

You look like the bad guy in an '80s high school movie.

I'll have you guys know that Kanye wore this belt, okay?

Let me just say that word one more time: Kanye.


Yeah, and he looked beautiful in it.

His whole midsection lit up.

What is your obsession with Kanye?

Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata.

Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we're each other's last call before bed.

"Yo, what up, K?

"Yeah, I'm just going to sleep.

"You watching Fallon?

"That brother's crazy."

Hey, Tagg Romney.

You know if your dad's gonna win the election?

: He does look like a Romney.

Telling me that I look like one of the most handsome men in politics does not hurt my feelings, Winston.

Last night was horrible.

Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like two old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

Jess, I get it... you're the type of person that...

you need to ease into these kind of things.

Let us take you out tonight, okay?

And that way, you... you can feel like, you know, you're going on a date first.

Yes! Like we're all dating in a large, nonsexual friend group.

My nightmare. Have fun. I'm out.

Come on, Nick. Please?

Why are you doing this, Jess?

Why don't you just date a guy that...

I don't know... you like?

This is good for me.

I always jump into relationships.

Plus, Sam's not the kind of guy you spend Saturdays in your sweatpants with.

He's the kind of guy...

You bone.

I can't help. I'm at a crucial point in my zombie novel.

You selfish bastard.

I'm not a selfish bastard.

I just have to... I have to get through...

You're a selfish bastard.

I'm so sick of this zombie novel nonsense.

Not nonsense.

Friends help friends have meaningless sex, okay?

Now, you're going.

End of story.

You got it.

Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don't know which fork to kill myself with.

I got to bail! Kanye's at this club tonight.

What are you talking about? This was your idea.

Can't miss this, Nick. I got the belt on.

I took Winston with me to prove that I can be friends with black people, even oddly shaped ones.

Just shut up, Schmidt!

Shut up! This is ridiculous.

I'm leaving right now. Good-bye.


Wow. I forgot what you look like when you're not dressed like the Loft Troll.


Sorry, I didn't...

What I mean to say is you look va-va-va-vavooms!

Hello, nurse!

Hubba-bubba! Meow! Zing! You can stop me at any time.

Are the guys coming, or...?


It's just us... they bailed... so if you want to go back to the loft, or we can both go back to the loft.

We're already here.

But we're already here, so...

Can I get you a chair, milady?

So weird.


Loft Troll not used to fancy gentleman!

Shut up.

That was so loud.

Why are you yelling?

On the list.

Winston! You've been staring at this girl for five minutes.

I hope you're checking her out.

Otherwise, you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

No. Checking her out?

No, dude, I'm in a relationship.

I know.

Like, happily. Shelby, we're...

Shelby and I haven't had sex in three weeks.

For real?

We're in a bit of a rut.

Not now. I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm cheating on Shelby.


No, no, in my mind.

In your mind...?

I'm cheating on Shelby in my mind, man.

So what? So what?

What do you mean, "So what?"

I'm doing it all the time.

Like, I'm doing it a lot. I can't control myself, man.

Listen, everybody does it every minute all the time.

How do you think I get through the day, man?

Okay. Wow.

Um, in that case...

Hey, lady, can I introduce you to...

this lady?

This place is crazy expensive.

Schmidt picked it.

I can afford the valet charge and the "Add onions."

Then you'll be happy to meet my little Scottish friend.

You unexpected genius.

Is that whiskey?

White wine.

White wine?!

Why would you do wine?


All right, my man.

Not gonna happen.


It's the belt, man.

Take off the belt.

Okay, the only thing I know in this world is this belt is amazing.

Look, if you're gonna wear that thing, just...

just make it work for us, okay?

You got a plan?

Yeah, I got a plan, of course.

All right, go talk to your peeps.

It's not my peeps.

It's your peeps, man. Go talk to them.

Don't say... don't do this.

Yeah, man, come on.

I mean, come on. Really?

Yeah, word.

We got Tagg Romney out here.

We're gonna need you to sweep the the perimeter.

What the hell you talking about?

Tagg Romney. Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Romney. Like, Mitt Romney's your dad?

Let's get America back to work.

Here's the thermos.


You know, the drunker you get, the more obvious you're being with the thermos.

"Thermose?" "Thermas?"

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

What's a "thermoos?"

That one right there in your hand.

The "thermase?"

This is fun.

This is really fun.

It's Sam.

He's done with work, and he wants to "hang out."

He's got a job, too? Poke a hole in that condom.

Thank you, Nick.

I now feel ready to have meaningless sex.

I do what I can, so...

Hey, do you need money for the...?

Half the soup? No, I think I got it.

Loft Troll eats fancy soup.

Get out of here, would you?

Go have fun.

Excuse me.

Can I get an ice bucket for this bad boy?

And more than your normal amount

'cause this is a thermos, so...

I see what we're doing here.

We're stalking your ex-girlfriend.

Is Cece here?


Cece, what up?

So, where's, uh, Blobby?

Where's... where's Blobby? Where's that dude?

You mean my boyfriend? His name's Robby.

Excuse me. My friend is too embarrassed to come over here, but she said she heard from someone in line that you're a Romney.

I am...

She's right over there.

Yeah, I'm a Romney.

Hell, yeah, I'm a Romney.

Come on!

Security, remove the threat. Remove the threat. Code red.

Is that how bad it is?

Right this way, ma'am. Come on!

Hey, that woman is stupid enough to believe...

Remove the obstruction, please. Code red. Code red.

Winston, I thought you were better than this.

I'm so sorry.

I am a huge supporter.

In '08, I was the national cochair of Kappas for Romney.

You caught me. I'm a Romney.

I'm trying to be incognito, so just...

You're... Tagg?



Tugg Romney, yeah.

I'm Tugg Romney.

Tagg's everywhere. Too much Tagg for me.


Whoo! What a night.

What a crazy night.

Yeah, me, too. I found a dollar on my way out of the restaurant. I used it to buy a slice of pizza.

One day closer to death!

Winston, what is wrong with you?

No. Nothing wrong with me, girl. I'm just brushing my hair.

I just want to say that I had meaningless, wonderful sex last night with Sam.

And that sex would not have been possible without the efforts of a one Nick Miller.

But okay.

I don't want to kiss and tell, but he did ruin my dresser during intercourse.

Come on! Why are you saying that?

Will you go to Ikea with me?

Sure, I'm not doing anything.

But don't let me lay my eyes on the Malm collection.

I can't afford it, and I'm a sucker for it every time.

I'll go get my golf pencils.


If you got something to say, my man, just say it.

Hey, look, a man can only sit back and observe but for so long before he has to speak his mind.

Then speak your mind.

A line has been crossed, all right?

You, my friend, have become her fluffer.

Like in porn?

An emotional fluffer.

I'm an emotional fluffer?

You got to set some boundaries, all right?

You're gonna start fulfilling ever single need of hers, all right?

Doing all the things that a boyfriend would do...

Winston...for some other dude who ain't doing nothing.

And I'm her friend.

You're her boyfriend.

No, I'm not her boyfriend.

You're a boyfriend without the rewards.

How about this? Why don't you just shut up?

Hey, Nick, you ready?


So it's not available at the closest Ikea, but it is available at the second-closest Ikea, which is about 45 minutes...

if we could drive over the reservoir.

But we can't, so...

it's about an hour and a half.


I had so much sex last night.


You're gonna get caught.


I've been studying Romney trivia all day long.

Memorizing Dad's gestures so I can mimic him.

You're calling Mitt Romney "Dad"

now? That's where we're at?


Schmidt, we get it.

He's the dad you never had.

Okay, all-knowing Indian god Ganesha, this is about sex.

You know they have Romney Olympics every summer at the lake house?

I bet that's a hoot. I'm sure it's like the real Olympics, only the white people win the sprints.

Okay, so you good?



Hey, Nick, any chance you understand how to put this together?

I think it looks pretty easy, actually.

No, you know, I'm actually busy. I'm, uh...

I'm moving money around.

I'm-I'm diversifying. I've got...

And I'm not your fluffer, by the way.

What's a fluffer?

In pornography, it's the person who keeps the actor...

motivated, aroused, you know?

Ew! That's a job?

And that's what I am. I'm your emotional fluffer.

I'm there whenever you need a guy.

You want a cup of tea, I'll make it.

You lose your phone, I'll call.

You're my friend. That's what friends do.

I'm you boyfriend without the rewards.


You're saying you want the...?

No! No, no, no, no, no. Not with you. Blecch!

Don't say "blecch!"

I don't want it.

I'm not disgusting. It's not an unheard of thought.


Come on. Admit it, you've thought about it.

You and me, sexually? Nope.

Blecch! Never thought about it once.

Don't lie.

Not on purpose.

Sleeping Nick is a totally different guy.

You know you did when you walked in on me doing deep lunges.

Yeah, check my Google history, Jess.

It's filled with girls doing deep lunges.

I mean, I'll admit I've thought about it.


When was this?

Last year. Just once.

Would you like to eat me?

What do you mean? Aren't you a little small?

What, are you nuts?!

What happened?

Why am I doing this?

That's what does it for you?

Yeah, I thought about it for five minutes, and then I realized it would never, ever work between us.

Yeah, I agree. That's how I see it.

Great. I'm glad we agree on something.

Me, too!


Out of curiosity, why do you think that, though?

Because you drive me nuts, Miller!

Because you're always sighing, like you're the president of the United States and you have to decide whether we're going to war or not.

I sigh because you sing about everything.

I do not.

? And I hate it. ?

? You sing and dance about nothing. ?

You're cheap!

You are so cheap.

I'm not cheap.

You never, ever put money in any tip jar, ever.

What are you talking about?

I've never seen you ever do that.

Last week, when we went to the coffee shop.

You put nickels in the tip jar!

You know what a jar is in my business?

Nickels! Nickels are worse than no money; it's an insult.

It's just a little boy saying, "Love me!"

"Give me attention!"

You're a bartender.

You live on tips. You should know better.

The nickel?

The only American currency...

You can't not give someone a tip Because you don't like tip jars!

...graced with the face of Thomas Jefferson.

Well, I think that's rude, Nick!

I didn't realize you were on the fence about the Louisiana Purchase...

You hate everything!


And I could never live with that.

I barely live with it now!

But you need me to have sex.

That's what you think?

I'm calling Sam, and we're gonna go on a date.

And we're gonna talk our faces off.


Good luck. Good luck with that.

Can't find your phone, Jess?

No, I'll find it.

'Cause I'm not calling you this time.

Are you happy now?

Now I have to get to know the guy I'm sleeping with.

That was a pocket dial!

That was an ill-timed pocket dial!

I will not explain myself!

I just wish I had a lot more solo Tugg time.

You know?

Well, you can be Tugg with me.

Sometimes I think that I'm just a riddle that, well, even I can't solve.

Yeah, see? I tried to solve it again.



I hope it's okay, I invited over some of the Kappas For Romney.

Kappas For Romney!


Such a pleasure. - Courtney.

I'm April.


They just got so excited when I said I met one of the Romney boys.

No, who wouldn't be?

Did you ask him?

I think April's in love with your brothers.

Who isn't?

Who's the shy one?

Who's the joker? Who's tried coffee?

April, you're such a spaz.

Yeah, no, nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys.

Just a bunch of alphas, you know what I mean?


That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesauke.

There's nothing that I love more than just getting out on the water with Dad, the freezing cold dawn, a couple of cold beers in hand.

Having that one quick moment...

Your dad doesn't drink. He's a Mormon.

Well, we don't drink the beers, Courtney.

You know, we just buy them to support American breweries.

Then we dump them in the lake.

'Cause we're Americans.

So... um...

I want a casual sex affair, just like in the movies.


But it turns out...

I need some conversation first.


If you want to hang...


...Hang out more...

I don't...

I don't want to hang out more.


Because, if I hang out with you, it's just the truth, I'm gonna fall in love with you.

It's just how I am. I can't separate things out.


Under what circumstances would you build a dresser for a woman?

And this is, like...

and I'm not interested in sleeping with her?


Am I being blackmailed?


Is it like a...

it's like a Make-A-Wish Foundation type thing?


I mean... Yeah. Marriage.

You know, anything besides marriage is a...

you know, an abuse.

An abuse?

Yeah, you can't do that to a friend.

Unless your friend's a chump.

Or a certified carpenter... that would work.

Wait a minute. This isn't a sex thing, is it?

Because I... you know, I can't pleasure a woman and build a dresser at the same time, you know?

I'm not God.



Hey! Hey, hey, hey, what's going on, man?

Are you going to the dark place?

I'm not going to the dark place, okay?

I did what you said, I told her I didn't want to be her fluffer, and it went great.

Then what is wrong with you? Get up, man.

Look, I did what you said, and I feel terrible.

Because you didn't set boundaries.

I don't know what that means, Winston.

As a friend, you can lift a heavy object, but you can't drive her to the airport, okay?

You can hold the elevator, but only if you see her running down the hallway saying, "Hey, man, please can you hold the elevator?"

No picnics, no mini-muffins and never Adele.


Never Adele.

Adele's amazing.

No Adele.

No concerts, no music, no T-shirts, no nothing.

But guys and girls...

Never Adele!

A little Adele.

Hey. Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nick! You're gonna calm down, okay?

You want my help or what, man?


Don't be so intense.

Most importantly...

you will not build her that dresser.

It's furniture.

It implies that one day, you will share it with her.

And that's not gonna happen.

You're right. You're right.

Are-are you spelling it right?

Two "G"s, silent "B."

Here's a picture of the whole family.

And you are not in it.

Yeah, well, somebody had to take the picture, Megan.

Just admit it. You're not a Romney.

I'm not a Romney? Would a non-Romney know this?

That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry.

That there are 16 grandchildren, Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan, Sawyer, Nate, Nash, Mia, Owen, Soleil, Nick and Chloe.

Those are just facts you got from the Internet.

I'm proud to be a Romney.

Okay? I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up.

A dad that took me camping, a dad that spent Saturdays with me, throwing... throwing the football.

A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night and said, "Be safe, son."

When I think of a dad like that, I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country.

God bless Mitt Romney.

God bless America.

It's a candid shot from the governor's biography.

The caption says,

"The whole family."

Nitpicking turns me off.

You're all horribly unattractive to me.

Tugg Romney, out.


I got your text.

When you're going through a Taylor Swift-like range of emotions, I should come over, right?

You were the only one that I could talk to.

Being brown, you have the wisdom of 1,000 white women.

All right.

What happened with that girl?




Are you serious right now?

Well, I...

He-he said it was okay.

She is off limits.

Go call your girlfriend.

You obviously have things you need to work out.

Fine. Fine.

But for the record, it was loving and tender and you squeezed my hand at the end.

Get out of here!


Okay, so...

tell me what happened.

Well, I'm back to being Schmidt.

I'm gonna miss it, though.

Being a Romney.

Schmidt, your life would not have been better if you were a Romney.

Cece, look, my dad left when I was eight.


And then he went and had three kids with his new wife, and me and my mom were just these two weirdos who belonged to nobody.

Until she started spending all this time with this woman from work who...

who she still lives with today.


He's your dad. All right?

Find a way to forgive him for not being a presidential candidate with great hair.

Forget it.

No one understands.

There, I thought you needed that, okay?

Just take a breath, and it will...


Shh, shh, shh.

It's like memory foam.

Call your dad.

You've been cheating on me in your mind?

Yes, but, like, to be fair, you were there.

A lot of times, you would just pop up mad, but you were there.

Winston, come on, it's fine. Look, you can think about whatever you want to think about.

I know I'm the one you want to be with.

Come on, want to come upstairs and watch some SVU?

You want to watch SVU right now?

Well, I'm too wound up to watch Raymond.

Look, sometimes after a big fight, I like to cool off with some TV.

What do you mean, big fight?

We just had a fight.

We hardly talked.

Like, I want to talk, I want to fight, I want to do something!

Well, maybe we can fight in your mind.




Stop. Do not... Come on, Nick.

Don't build that dresser, please.

Jess, it's fine. I have another one.

I need, like, three to build this thing.

I can't let you fluff me.

I can't let you work in emotional porn.

You have too much to offer.

Forget it, Jess.

I'm building you the dresser.

I love this stuff.

It's like high-stakes Legos.

Okay, but...

I didn't know what I was doing to you.

I've always had relationships in different boxes.

Friends in one box, boyfriends in another.

But now...

it's messy, and...

I don't want to screw up what I have with you.

You're too important to me.

It's different with us.

We're just two people who want to be friends, but are sometimes attracted to each other.


No, no...

You have thought about the reward.

That's not what I said.

My calculations were correct.

I love deep lunges.

Just don't make a big deal of it.

I just don't need a bunch of people telling me what we can and can't do together.

That pisses me off.

If I want to build you a dresser, I'm gonna build you a damn dresser.

But if you want to have dates before sex, just do me a favor and have them with the guy you're having sex with.



Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam.

I'm old-fashioned below the belt.

I've got a Civil War-era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote.

All right.

I got to give you something now.

Something... really close to my heart.

That's Nick's Sexy Mix.

AKA the original fluffer.

"The Humpty Dance"

does it for you, Nick?

Do your thing, girl.

Get crazy.

When we're done, I want you to immediately turn this off.



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