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Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day.
As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me.
I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia.
I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, and I closed myself up again.
The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi...
Off topic. Off-putting.
Okay. I agree.
So I've decided...
to give up on women, and put all that energy into...
tomatoes!
You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid.
Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something.
Guys, I have a whole speech!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys.
I told him not to lead with tomatoes, but he did.
As his friends, don't you want to know why he wants to plant tomatoes?
Is it because he wants tomatoes?
This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning.
He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow.
He is turning over a new leaf. He is...
Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now.
Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
Okay, but you did it again.
It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
Okay, but stop.
I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing that there's a possibility of happiness.
He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight.
Go.
Sorry.
Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so...
No, you have no idea.
No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time.
I think we all have a pretty good idea.
Pretty clear idea.
Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together.
You almost made a person. Think about that!
Jess...
you're dating the man that I could see myself growing old with.
Russell, you got a great-looking face.
Your jawline could cut glass.
Hold on tight, sister.
Don't let that one slip away.
It's getting a little weird, Nick.
So, without further ado...
Water, the source of life.
Whoa!
(everyone groaning, grumbling
(everyone groaning, grumbling It's okay, I got two of them.
You know what?
Go downstairs, if you want!
I don't care!
I got the tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me!
Freeze frame!
When I'm up in the air and the legs are there.
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪
Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.
Uh, it's actually Schmidt.
Um, we've met, uh, many times.
Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall.
You sound like dog being stepped on.
Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place.
I like to create a free environment in the sack.
Hey.
What's going on here?
I like his face.
I want to punch, punch, punch!
Beautiful women...
you guys can say just about anything, can't you?
So what are you doing here? So, look, we've barely spoken since I almost impregnated you.
You know, it's just, it's this whole thing has just kind of got me thinking.
Maybe this is just too intense, and we should stop.
That's what you want?
It's how I feel right now, so, yeah.
Oh... Coolio.
So he goes out with me.
Oh, Nadia, I think that...
I think that's a great idea.
I mean, that's what you want, right?
Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me.
Yay! We have fun.
I make him put on black shawl, pretend he's grandma.
Fine, twist my arm.
I'll go out with the hot Russian model whose ancestors probably burned down my ancestors' village.
Something weird happened to me today.
I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli.
Jess, hi!
Ouli!
Oh, that's a great swimsuit.
Thank you.
Wow, someone's been working out.
You back's like a bag of ropes.
Oh, mama.
It was really foggy and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight.
What?
You did what?!
It's just that, like, Ouli is like this looming presence, and we don't talk about it, and I don't know, I thought it would be, like, good for us.
Everything okay with Russell?
Everything's fine.
I know it's gonna be tense at first,
'cause Ouli's no Russell's favorite person, but I grew up with divorced parents, and I'm really good at navigating these situations.
What did I do?
Nothing!
♪ Mommy's all right ♪
♪ Daddy's all right ♪
♪ They just seem a little weird ♪
♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪
Don't tap-dance at dinner.
Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner?
Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess.
Absolutely.
I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it.
Hi.
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi!
Hi!
Hey, remember last time we were hugging?
You were naked.
That was weird.
No!
No, that's not weird at all.
I have no problem being naked.
Hi.
Hi.
How are the "quethadillath"?
You know what? I've actually never had them.
Oh, the eye roll.
Mm. Miss that.
I didn't actually roll my eyes.
I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling.
Hey, Ouli...
Mm...
I love your name.
Thank you.
Or should I say, "grathiath"?
Uh...
Oh.
Well, this is fun.
Yeah.
It is.
Should we get, like, eight more of these, right?
I love this song.
Oh, I hate this song.
When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive.
Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours if you hadn't gotten lost.
At one point, we were just following some donkeys.
Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food!
I love food.
They were not donkeys!
I can't even remember what we were talking about.
It wasn't a road.
For the millionth time, just because a road's not on a map, doesn't mean it's not a road!
Inside voice.
You know what means it's not a road?
When there are guys in tanks telling you to turn around.
Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep!
Car gets stuck in the mud, and no, you could not move it, Oh, here it is.
Because, God forbid, you break a nail!
I got one manicure, one time!
I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this!
♪ Ouli's all right, Russell's all right ♪
♪ They just seem a little weird ♪
♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪
I'm leaving.
You mean before you get your "quethadillath"?
That's it.
It was crazy.
There was, like, serious heat between them.
Does she still have feelings for him?
Maybe...
Hey, Schmidt.
What up?
So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight.
I bet.
Make sure, uh, you use protection.
She's a foreigner, Cece.
What, do I look like an idiot?
Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right?
What, are we at Santa's family reunion?
'Cause the "clawses"
are coming out.
The-the "claws" are coming out? You know...
You're being catty, Cece.
Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia?
She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia.
Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him?
It doesn't matter if I like him.
It's over.
And you're fine with that?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah.
Hold up. Are you?
I am gonna kill you.
But are you?
Hey, Nick...
What?
Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub?
I mean, he is the cutest.
Just the absolute cutest.
All right, take a look at this picture where he woke up on my face.
Can't even see my face.
I look like a cat man.
No! No! Get out of here, birds!
Please get out of here, you sky rats!
Go back to Hell, where you belong!
Leave me and my plants alone!
I need this!
You know who loves birds?
Please don't say it, Winston.
Shelby.
So...
How do you like America?
I like salad bar.
I like Despicable Me.
Tosh 2.0.
I like Connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, uh... sidewalk.
I like 1-800-SLIM.
"Your Mama" jokes.
Strawberry.
Wilmer Velmavelma.
Leon J. Panetta.
Ice skating for fun, not to save life.
What are you laughing at?
Cheese. Is for mouse.
Are you Mick Mouse?
Am I what?
Why don't you get in your spaceship like Mick Mouse?
What are you talking about?
Mick Mouse.
What is a Mick Mouse?
Mick Mouse!
I don't understand what Mick Mouse is!
Mick Mouse!
I don't under... I don't...
What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse?
Mick Mouse!
Are you saying Mickey Mouse?
Yes.
In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound.
Let's do sex party.
I sex you in face.
You're gonna sex me in my face?
Well, fancy meeting you here.
Hi.
What's up?
Love the gym.
You and Russell, huh?
Oh... God.
Last night?
Sorry.
If we made you feel uncomfortable.
We just can't be in the same room without wanting to rip each other's faces off.
Yeah... yeah.
Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces and not, like... clothes.
You don't think...
No.
I'm just... it's my endorphins,
'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins.
Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell.
I mean, he is all yours.
All yours.
Awesome.
I mean, you know what it's like with Russell.
Yeah.
Yeah!
I mean... It's this roller coaster.
It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran blasted with spray during a perfect storm.
But you're...
naked and...
and you're on fire.
You know?
Yeah. I do.
Whoo!
I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion."
And...
show me a moderately good time.
Yeah.
Crazy.
So crazy.
It's crazy.
Russell.
Hey!
What?
What's with all the hammering?
Whoa! What the hell is this thing?
This thing is creepy.
Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay?
Birds keep coming after my plants.
Whatever you're doing, just... stop with the hammering, okay?
Because me and Shelby are downstairs, right now, trying to make love.
Ugh! Did you honestly just say that?
Well, dude, we're making love, man. It's beautiful.
Who have you become, man?
I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy?
You're allowed to be happy, but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it.
You know what I don't care about?
Mm-hmm?
Shelby.
Oh, Shelby loves puzzles.
Oh, Shelby loves donuts, but hates donut holes.
Why are you hating on Shelby so much?
I used to be your Shelby!
That came out wrong.
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault that your life sucks and you're so miserable.
Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video.
I want you to git.
Seriously?
I want you to git off my farm!
This is a little weird, man.
You used to be my best friend. Now, I don't know! - Talk to yourself, man.
So git!
I'm gitten!
I don't need ya!
Shut up!
Hey, Russell.
Mm-hmm.
Do I ever drive you crazy?
Of course not.
Come on. There has to be something that I do that just, like... gets under your skin.
No, I can't think of anything.
Come on, Russell. Think.
Think, think, think, think.
Thin-k.
That's annoying, right, the way I say, "Think"?
Well...
With a "K."
Okay, Jess, um...
Your eyes bug out a little when you're trying to make a point.
Yeah?
Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing when you're thinking sometimes.
Yeah?
Yeah. Don't love that.
Like that? Like that?
Uh...
Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine.
Is this just driving you crazy?
Um...
No, but it's not pleasant.
You're not pleasant.
You're not pleasant.
That's not nice, that's-that's...
Yeah.
Not nice.
No, it's passion!
Oh! You hurt my teeth.
Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell?
Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing.
You know, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt.
Okay. Okay, you know, well could you please... thank you.
There it is. There's the fire.
Where you been hiding it, Rusty? Where you been hiding it?
I'm gonna, um, make some tea.
Do you want some tea? We have chamomile.
No!
Okay. I mean...
oolong... oolong, you want oolong?
Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why?
Well, it's actually kind of a funny story... - Yeah?
Wow. - You just coasting through life, you coaster? - This isn't good, not at all. What are you...
You know, now-now I'm pissed. What is this?
Something's missing.
I didn't know it until I saw you and Ouli together the other night almost strangle each other.
But then it clicked.
I want that.
I want what you and Ouli have.
You want me to treat you like my ex-wife?
Who I hate?
I don't know, I just...
You guys have this spark, and I want that spark!
You have to admit, you have this spark, this passion.
Passion's overrated, Jess.
I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I...
I want to go home.
Jess...
Just...
can you just take me home?
Get in there!
Useless.
You... get... in there.
What is this, Martin Scorsese's
The Wizard of Oz?
I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man.
Apology accepted.
It's just... we used to be miserable together, man.
We did have some pretty bad times together.
Had the worst.
Hey, remember that time we pooled our money and bought that online dating profile together?
Yes.
The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller.
Zero dates.
Zero.
I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you.
I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston.
You want me to tell you?
Not really, actually.
Okay, why are you giving up?
If something doesn't work out, what do you do?
You make an adjustment, you give it one more shot.
I mean, that's what I did with...
Okay, just say it.
...My beautiful Shelby.
Shelby.
See, why did you say,
"my beautiful Shelby"?
It's so weird.
Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay?
And then... I was a different person, and she was a different person. Now look at us, man.
We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another.
Sandwiches and sex?
I want that.
Hey.
How, um... how was your date last night?
Brief. Small man go to hospital.
The hospital?
Is he okay?
I don't know.
I leave him there, I go make bowling.
Nadia... like, honestly, what did you do to him?
Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny.
Oh, my God.
There's me!
I really like what we have. I thought you did, too.
I do. I did. It's just, Russell...
Great. Just forget it.
Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car.
But there's so many buttons. It's like...
The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons.
Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, explosive passion thing.
When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper.
I'm not looking for that any more.
I understand.
But I am.
And...
I want passion...
even if it's harder and hurts more.
So that's it.
Good-bye, Russell.
Well...
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
I am so, so sorry.
Okay? This is all my fault. I thought...
What happened?
Yeah, um... this is embarrassing.
I broke my penis.
You what?
I broke my penis.
Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night.
And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain.
And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself...
I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about.
And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.
I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here.
How are you upset right now?
Cece, you ended this.
I don't know what you want from me!
I don't want you sleeping with Nadia.
Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone.
Because I like you.
I can't just always say what I feel, okay?
It's just...
Just, whatever, Schmidt.
You like me.
You like my personality?
I was surprised, too.
Come here.
Oh!
Oh!
What happened?
Oh, my God, why?
Oh, what?
Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack.
Don't touch me, don't touch me.
Okay. I...
You gotta get out of here.
All right.
I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over!
For crying out loud! What are you, nuts?
I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
I'm sorry for this, but I...
I like you.
And I like you, too, so much.
Call a nurse, call a male nurse.
Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice.
Bye.
Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone.
Oh, hey.
Hey...
Caroline, how you doing?
Good.
Just... going to use the bathroom.
♪ For sentimental reasons... ♪
Caroline?
Yeah, I know.
I just called her, and then... I don't know, it's...
What are you doing? You guys had such a terrible relationship.
Are you crazy?
Are you burning incense?
Yes, I am, for ambiance. She digs it.
She digs it?
Are you kidding, Nick? What happened?
What happened to swearing off women and focusing on tomatoes?
I can't grow tomatoes, Jess.
I think this is what was supposed to happen all along.
Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it.
I'm happy.
That is pathetic, Nick. You're just saying that
'cause you don't have the patience or the courage to be alone.
I will never get used to those urinals.
Hey, would you give me a second? I have to talk to Jess for...
Oh. Sure.
Great.
Okay.
Bye, Caroline.
Bye.
See you in one second. What is your problem?
Have fun making terrible life decisions!
Oh, you just know everything, don't you?
No, I don't...
I'm actually so sick of you.
I'm just really disappointed in you.
You know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries with sprinklies on them, That isn't what I do.
Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, and then tell other people how to live their lives!
It's not a pajama outfit!
They're called pajamas!
That's what I said!
Nick, why don't you go back in your room and put on your stupid flannel and keep not living up to your potential!
You're a crazy person, Jess!
I am not, I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear.
You know what I would like to hear from you?
What?
Silence!
Well, I'm not gonna be silenced!
Just shut up! For one second be quiet!
I'm trying to help you!
Please be quiet!
No! No!
I don't want your help.
Stop making that face at me. I hate that face.
This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess...then look at my ass!
Oh!
Yeah! Get a good look!
Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter.
This is the ass of a failure.
You get a look.
Look right at my ass.
No, Nick.
You bought the ticket, take a ride.
Feast your eyes on my butt.
I'm winning this moment.
You quitter. - Look at my butt, it's going faster than yours!
I have the fastest butt in the land.
I got a faster one!
No, you don't.
What are we doing?
Stop looking at my ass.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
Quitter!
You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato just sprung up overnight?
Yes, I do.
When it comes to tomatoes, no one in the world knows less than Nick.
So how long you gotta ice that thing?
Eight weeks.
I mean, if I have any excitement it's excruciating pain.
Boobies.
What?
Boobies.
I love boobies...
Girls with clean hair. - Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played.
Models eating sliders.
Bernadette Peters on a high beam.
Freshly baked bread.
Oh God.
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