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 Posted: 04/12/12 13:00
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I love these parties.

I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.

Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser.

Who's to say you can't be all three?

Hey, this is... really good.

I mean, I gotta tell you, I'm really, um...



It's like the complete opposite of my marriage.

I'll give you the opposite of your marriage.


Sorry, I just...

I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife, and I got really nervous and...

I tried to flirt information out of you.



I haven't been home in a week, and, um...

underneath my dress, I'm wearing...

a pair of your boxer briefs that I borrowed slash-stole slash-I'm not giving them back.

Come on. Let's go. Go to my house right now.

Well, I have to go to my home for a bit.

No, no, come on.

Come on. Stay with me.

No, I'm worried about the guys.

They must really be missing me and wondering where I am.

Hey! Sacrifice, sacrifice, Lava! Touched the lava!


Touched the lava! Ow, ow! Touched the lava, dude!

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

(whistles quietly)

MAN (on Radio):

He's the worst quarterback in the league, I mean, statistically, it would be better if he wasn't even playing, all right?

You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen?

What decade are we in?

NICK: I cannot listen to that guy.

Come on. Joe Napoli's the worst, man.

What? Man, that is blasphemous.

He's the king of sports radio, man.

I've got an interview with him today, okay?

He's hiring a new research assistant.

Hence... the research.

My old basketball coach set it up.

You know, I'm just trying to figure out how to break it to Elvin.

You gotta cut ties with that kid.

He freaks me out.

He never blinks.

He's like a tiny little owl in a shirt.

Hey, guys!

Hey. Hello. JESS: I have so much to tell you.

I spent the whole week with rich people.

I finally tried port.

Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?

I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long.

You all look so handsome, so grown-up.

Thank you.

Hey, Nick.

I finally notice the one-eighth Cherokee.


that's almost a mustache.

Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.

How was your sexcation with Russell?

I did have a lot of sex. Thank you.

What'd you guys do without me? Hit me up with a headline!

Nothing. We played True American.

What?! You played True American without me? - Yes, ma'am.

(cell phone ringing)

Oh, sorry. It's Cece.

Hey, you!

Tell me everything. How's it going?

Where are you? CECE: With Schmidt.

Where are you?

Right here.


I am not used to this yet.

I'm surprised this one's still standing.

We burned through a lot of ideas last night.

That's really great.

We went deep into the stables...

Yeah. Cool. NICK and WINSTON: Ugh.

I don't know. It's like we're living in a romantic comedy montage.

Like, we, like, throw our heads back when we laugh, and I, like, try on floppy hats for him.

It's pretty perfect.

It's like the first act of a TV movie until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.

Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right?

You're kind of doing everything on his terms, living in his beautiful, fancy house...

I'm not really living there.

Has he ever spent a night here?

Hey, guys.

So, listen, um...

Russell's gonna come and stay this weekend.


I was just wondering if you guys could be cool?


Sure. JESS: Okay, uh...

Actually, I don't trust what

"cool" means to all of you, so how about we just say

"be normal"?

Big R.


Your shoe's untied.


What are you doing?

Label check, man.

What are you doing?

Label check.

What are you doing?

Just calm down.




I got it.




Oh, man, you scared me.

You scared of black people?


It's 2012, baby.


Yeah, of course. - Done deal.

Easy. - Of course.

Quick question.

Russell's such a visionary, would it be okay if I took him through my Idea Notebook?

Nope, not at all. - Maybe I won't take him through the whole notebook...

Or how about none of it?

But I have one that I'm really excited about called Real Apps, that I know Russell would be interested in.


Nick, Real Apps is my idea.

Real Apps is not your idea.

SCHMIDT: Yeah, sure, you might have birthed the idea, but I midwifed it, and I midwifed the crap out of it.


It was a messy birth.

NICK: You just thought of the name!

The name is everything.

The name is the name of the game.

The game is... is the name. The game is the name.

The product is the game.


I know you can do this.

You sure you don't want to swing?

Nah. Pushing's where the action is.


Elvin, listen, buddy. I think we should talk.

You know I'm not going to be here forever, right?

I know about death, Winston.

I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go.

What? No. It's just that I'm an adult.

It's time for me to get an adult job with adult people.

You understand, right?

Maybe we should get to work on your resume because yours is terrible.

It's 2012, Winston.

Typing is not a special skill.

And you're familiar with the show?

Yes, I am. I've been listening for years.

What do you think of Mr. Napoli?

He's actually like an idol of mine.

Be honest, jackass!

Would you consider yourself an undercover cop? - Huh?

Seriously. Are you a cop? You have to tell me. - No!

How far can you drag an unconscious man?

I don't know. I never really tried to... Hello, Mr. Napoli.

If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard, I'll eat you.

You know, I know you, Winston Bishop, okay?

Sub-par collegiate career, went to Latvia,

9% from the European-slash-

Women's 3-point line?

Okay, just...

Now you wind up in my lap.

Well, I'm the luckiest girl in school.

Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.

Hey, first of all, I've not agreed to do it...

Welcome to the team, Winston.

Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.

I'm in. I'll do it.


So nice to meet you, Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Can I sit on your shoulders?





You've made a wonderful decision.

I'm sure you're going to learn a lot.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

NAPOLI: Yeah, well, welcome aboard. You can start today.

I want to Kareem about a segment on his show.

I want to talk to you about the jackets.


You said we were going to get show jackets!

Russell, hey.

I could show you around. I could show you our world.

Way up here, it's crystal-clear.

Nick, you're doing Aladdin.


Do you like cheeses, Russell?

What? That's...

Nick, come on.

It's for Russell.

So you really just call these "ethnic noodles"?

No, actually, I don't know.

The only English writing on the box is,

"Find water. Grow hot. Family celebrate plus."

That guy.

Nick, stop staring.

I'm not... what?

Schmidt's being really weird, too.

So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune, but I hear you hara-kiri'd that one.

Well, I know the chef at Namuda.

Oh, oh. Namuda?

Maybe "My First Sushi."

Baby wants a tempura California roll.

Little Russell wants...

Little Wussell wants an avocwado roll!

JESS: Schmidt...! Nick, don't eat his noodles.

Yeah, but we're bowl brothers, now.

No, you're not.

Tighten up, guys. WINSTON: I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna punch him in his rich, old white dude face.

Not you.

Joe Napoli.

So I guess you didn't get the job?

No, I got the job. And that's the problem.

I want six shakes in my fridge at all times, ready to go.

And I want it Beyoncé-colored.

Not darker, not lighter.


Clean your damn desk!


Don't let him see you cry.

See, I want to kill him.

Russ, I was wondering if later, if you had a minute, if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my Idea Notebook.

Um... Hold that thought.

I will hold it.

Hold that thought 'cause he doesn't want to hear it, Nick.

Those ideas were 51% mine.

(garbage disposal rumbles, whines)

I got it, I got it! Russell, move, my man.

What'd I do?

No, you did nothing, my man. Don't blame yourself.

Yah! It just fights back a little bit, Russ.


Anchor me! Anchor me!

It's choking me! Come on. Go, go, go!

Come on!


Anchor me. Don't grope me.

Jess, get in there!



One more big one!


(garbage disposal stops)

Oh, my God. Sorry.


You guys, my contractor knows a really great plumber. - Please.

I know the best plumbers in the business.

White guy knows a plumber.

Sorry. Plumbing's, like, a really sensitive topic around here.

I-I didn't know.

I mean, who would?




who wants to play True American?

I'm in.

That sounds like a great idea.


So it's 50%

drinking game,

50% life-size Candyland.

Well, it's more like 75 drinking,

20 Candyland, and by the way, the floor is molten lava.

It's actually 90% drinking, and it's got a loose Candyland-like structure to it.

JESS: Well, with steaks.

Hey, guys, we doing teams?



One, two, three, go.

SCHMIDT: Two, two, four. WINSTON: Wow, I'm with Russell. Perfect.

What? You don't want to be on my team?

Well, I just copied you.

You haven't given me any information yet. - Oh, okay.

So it starts off there are four zones. An alternate zone is a crazy zone.

And there's a trail of chairs.

But the floor is lava.

These are the pawns. They're the soldiers of the secret order.

This is the king of the castle.

And remember, everything you hear in True American is a lie, knock on wood.

And it starts with a shotgun tip-off, okay?

Oh, that I can do.

Shotgun, for sure.

Oh, yeah!

All right! Yeah!


Yeah! Yes!

Yeah, there's no going back now.

One, two, three, four, JFK!

FDR! Up, up, up! FDR!


Russell, you're in the lava, man.

I don't understand. Abe Lincoln, George Washington.


Cherry tree!

(person whistles)

All right, Americans, you ready? Let's do the count.


One, two, three.

That's me!

(others cheering)

Okay, remember:

The ground is lava.

OTHERS (chanting):

Russell! Russell!

Don't touch the lava. (cheering)

(laughs) NICK: Big R!


Only thing we have to fear ALL:

Is fear itself!



(shouts unintelligibly)

(others shout unintelligibly)


Jimmy Carter... atop...

Grover Cleveland.

What now?

More beer.

More beer.

I got to get to the castle!

Go, Nick, go! Russell, you're kind of ripped up, huh?

Well, I used to work summers in a lumber camp near Banff, and I still split my own wood.


You're pretty good at this, old-timer.

Ooh, ooh, Cece, this is the best game of True American ever.

I'm this close to winning.

I'm gonna go get in your bed.


Yeah, I'm out.

Schmidt, no!


Does it mean we win?

Yes, we win!

Whoo! (laughs)




Oh, a little bit. Ah!



I'm trashed.

I'm in a trash bag right now.

It's true.

I think we should call it a night.

No, no, hang on.

I was, I was saying something.

What you was saying to me. I remember.

Hey, guys, guys? I'm really sorry.

I'm on a water break.

It's over here.

Oh, man, you were giving me advice on my boss because you are also a rich white man. And that's okay.

Hell, yeah, I am!


Hey, I love ya.

. Russell, we have a big day planned tomorrow, so maybe we should...

Shh-shh, hang on a sec.

Let me straighten you out.

Here's what you do.

Your boss is power-playing you.

So you need to power-play him back.


How do I do that?

Dip your boys in his shake.


That's all you gotta do.

Your testicles, dip 'em in, wring em out, dip it again and give him his shake. That's how you do it.

That's a terrible idea.

Jess, no, no. Shh.

Hang on. It's like a guy thing.

Territory. Jess, you don't know.

It's a guy thing, you know?

Jess doesn't get it. It's a territory...

Stop copying Russell.

I'm not copying him. I love him.

Classic is a classic, you know what I mean?

Just get in there, dunk your nuggets in his shake!

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, we all learned a lot.

You know what would make this night really great?

Idea Notebook.



Have you ever wanted to take a ride on a magic idea?

Well, strap on, Russell.

Russell, let's go to sleep.

I'll be in in a second.

I want to hear your idea.

Take one more of these, and then this idea's gonna be even better.


Down the hatch!

(all groan)

Let's have a little bit more of that.

I'm mad at him, and I've never been mad at him before.

Oh, Jess!

This room is not a place of comforting, okay?

This is Darwin's jungle, where open-minded people do weird things to each other.

Go away.


I can't fight with him.

That's our thing. We don't fight.

He used to fight all the time with his ex-wife.

I think he likes that we're peaceful.

Fighting's good. It's healthy.

It's how you know it's working.

You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do is we like to fight with our bodies.

It's like very intense game of Capture the Flag.

I won't make you guess what the flag is.

As my financial business partner, I appreciate you taking the time.

All right, Russell said we need a prototype.

So, Mr. Schmidt, I now present you "Real Apps."

The phone obviously goes back here where the phone goes, and then these are all the apps.

You've got a Zippo. You've got a fork.

You've got a spoon.

That's a corn holder.

It's also a gentleman's shiv.

Nick, it's a prototype of a prototype at best.

Let me see it.


Don't be mean about it.

Come on, let me see it.

You got a bottle opener. - Come on.

Yeah. - Look at this.

There's no brushed steel, no nickel.

I mean, it's got none of the baller metals.

I mean, come on, man.

I'm not gonna get Winkelvossed because of your sloppiness.

What do you mean, "I"? Real Apps is my idea.

You just came up with the name!

Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo.


Yes, it is, man.

No, it isn't. No, it isn't, man.

Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a "slippery germ brick"?

Yeah, actually, I might.

That's why they call it basketball and not "peach basket catch-it-up."

You just came up with that?

Hey, hey, we're back here on

the Joe Napoli Show, and let me

introduce you to a new member of the Joe Napoli Show family, and that is Winston Bishop, who is our new assistant.

I'll tell you what ... he's sharp as a tack.

Ladies, there's no ring on his finger, and, Winston, why don't you tell us just a little bit about yourself?

(goofy voice):

Hey, thanks, a lot, Joe.

I really want to tell you about myself.

You know, I been on the job two days, and I don't know how to make no milk shake.

Oh, and I played two years of mediocre Division I basketball. - Wow.

And why was that?

Well, because I really didn't know how to play basketball.

I got recruited for a girls' volleyball team.

All right, there he is. That's Winston Bishop.

And we'll see you again probably never.

All right, turning now to the NBA picture, it looks like the West...

These are hangover eggs.

See, they'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you'll just throw it up really fast.

It's high-risk, high-reward.

Oh, maybe I should just go back to bed.

I have a really nice day planned for us.

We're gonna go apple picking...

I don't... I don't pick apples.

That... that's... that's not gonna happen.

Are you serious?

Because it's picking and it's apple...

You're serious?

That literally sounds like hell.


Are we in a fight?

We're not fighting.

This feels like a fight, Jess.

This is not a fight!

Russell, my man, it seems these days there's an app for everything.

Doesn't it, though?

Yeah, but there isn't.

Let's say I'm out and about, you know, being mobile, and I want to cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.

Haberdash on the fly.

Is there an app for that?

No. Is there?

Until now.


We now present to you...

Real Apps! Real Apps!

The prototype.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.


Real Apps.

Real Apps.



Would you calm...?

You called my baby


No, I didn't call it anything. Just calm down!

I gave you 51% of this for Relapse?

Russell. Russell. Enough.


Hold it in your hands, my man.

We're in the middle of something, guys. JESS: No, no, no.

We're great. We're fine. Show it to him, Schmidt. SCHMIDT: It's all right here.

Let me show it to you. NICK: Yeah, but you have to...

I want to... Russell.

You're going the wrong way.

Aah! Oh! Oh, oh, no!

Oh, my God, Russell, are you okay? NICK: No, no, no.

I've been stabbed!

It wasn't ready.

It wasn't ready.

You called it Relapse, idiot!

Where are the Band-Aids?

No Band-Aids! JESS: What?!

Ow! (panting)

I'll get you a takeout napkin with some Scotch tape.

Searing pain!

So sorry.

Here. Oh, sorry.

(groans) Ow! Ow! Jess.

Jess, do you know what? You just taped a napkin to my hand.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

I need to be home right now.

Is that a problem?


I'm fine.

It's great.

We're great.



I'm s...

Just nicked him.

(door closes)


Get it all out.

I have an idea for your Idea book!

Replace the Band-Aids!

Very fair.

It's so sticky!

Oh, I have an app for that.


What are you doing here?

Why aren't you at your new job?

I'm quitting.

You're quitting your dream job?

Well, I mean, there's good news.

I want to keep being your nanny.

That's what I've come to tell your mom.

I can't let you do that.

Mom? Mom?

Winston just asked me if he can smoke weed.



No, see...

He said when we go to the park, he wanted to do it.

And I get to hold it because I'm a minor.

Where is your imagination taking you? No!

You said that in front of my kid?!


Are you serious?!

Are you completely insane?!

Gina, you know me, okay?

I'm wearing a tie and everything.

You're never, ever gonna nanny again.

I will destroy you on the nanny boards.

You can count on that. Come on, Elvin. Just...

Let me explain. Let me... Elvin, Elvin, Elvin, hey, now.

Elvin, let's get away. Get away from the hippie.

Come on.

Bye, Winston.

Bye, Elvin.

GINA: No, no, don't talk to him.

It's 4:20. Don't you have to be somewhere?

Oh, no.

The shakes.

Six... Where are you, number six?

NAPOLI: Hey, Bishop, I thought you left early.

Assumed you weren't coming back.

There was something wrong with the shakes, so I went in and just threw them out because there's something wrong with 'em.

Speaking of which, I should probably go ahead and throw that one out. What did you do to the shakes?

They've been compromised.

What... did... you... do?

Look, I really, really want this job, Mr. Napoli, and I know you're going to fire me if I tell you what I did, but I would love a future here, and I don't want that to be jeopardized by a moment of... poor judgment.

I put my beans in your shakes.

Yeah, and I...

I shook it around a little bit like this.

In there? You stuck 'em down in there, huh?

I did.



Oh, man!


(laughs weakly)

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna do that to Kareem.




I have something to say to you.

You don't have to apologize.

Well, I'm not here to apologize.

I'm here to fight with you, and I don't care if you want to fight or not.

All right, let's fight.

Well, I was prepared to have a perfectly nice weekend with you, and you just give up, and you come home.

Because I was bleeding from my hand. I had to go to the ER.

I had to get a stitch.

Ooh, stitches.

I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid.

I'm actually... I'm actually really sorry about that.

Jess, I haven't played a drinking game in ten years.

The only reason I did is

'cause you asked me to.

If I want to have a drink, I don't really have to play a game while I'm doing it.

Well, that's my world. Garbage disposals don't work.

Elevators don't pass inspection.

Wait. I didn't know about the elevator.

Yeah, it was, like, the cables were really thin. We signed a waiver.

They took 100 bucks off our rent.

That's really not safe!

Well, that's where I live, and those are my friends.

And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month.

And Russell, my life is just as important as your life.

And if you want to get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song.



We just had a fight.

I won.

You did not win.

Hey, tell you what. Let's just go back to your loft and try again.

Let's just hang out.

Oh. Now?

I mean... I just got here.

Maybe later.


Okay, that sounds like a plan.

Those boxers you borrowed ... I'm gonna need them back.

They're my lucky underpants.

Lucky underpants?

And what are the values of the Olympic games?

Openness, exchange.

The first victims of an authoritarian security regime.

I'm Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and that's The View from Up Here.

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