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  1x19 - Secrets
 Posted: 04/05/12 08:31
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Are you ready to run?

I have my playlist all ready.

Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed

First Wives Club,

and it's getting me pumped!

I totally forgot we were going to run today.

I e-mailed you, like, three times.

Maybe you typed

"gmoil" again.

No more excuses ... we have to train.

We signed up for this charity run and now we have to do it.

Why can't we just donate the money?

Why do we have to run the six miles first?

That's a good point, but, no, you're gonna go...

Oh, no, Jess, look, I can't go.

I am super hungover right now.

Plus, Masha had a bit of a crisis.

She accidentally ate a cookie.


Because she fell on it.

I am devastated.

She is devastated.

Well, why don't you come running with us?

No, she definitely can't.

You can run off that cookie.

It's great.

You know what? We will do it tomorrow, I promise.

It's more money for charity.

It'll be so fun.

I mean, that was a close one.

Good thing I'm a quiet breather.

I learned that as a kid playing "Who passed out?"

with my mom.

My mom always won.

Jew in the couch, Jew in the couch.

Nadia, American manners.


Jew-Jew person in couch.

She's not wrong.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪

Okay, bye, Nick.

So you'll call me?

Um, yeah, yeah, I'll definitely...

Are you, are you okay?

I'm gonna call you.

Um, okay.

Do you hike? Do you hike?

Okay, I...

This was fun.

Okay, I'll call you tonight to make sure you're okay?


That was ridiculous.

I can't do this, Winston.

I don't know how to sleep with 21-year-old girls, and for the last couple weeks, that's all I've been doing.

What's going on with you? Are you okay?

I saw something a few days ago.

Now, I've been sworn to secrecy, but it is just too big.

You know I can't keep a secret, I can't lie, Winston. You saw me with that girl. - Don't leave me like this.

Even thinking about keeping a secret turns my back into a Slip 'n Slide.

Come on, man, you got to help me out, okay? I'm dying.

I don't want to know.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on...

I'm dying! I'm dying, man!

I don't want to know.

I don't want to know!

Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!


It's happening under our roof.





This makes me hate things.

I know, man. It's like up is down.

Up is the new down, man.

Now my back is sweating.

All right, who knows?

Everybody but Jess.


Hey, Jess.

We're just hanging out in the hallway.

What's going on? Nothing's going on.

Yeah, actually, I'm really annoyed.

Cece bailed on me again. We were supposed to train for that race this weekend.

That is so Cece.

I know... I mean, and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover, but last night she said she didn't want to go out.

Maybe she had a guy over.

Not like that ... I didn't say anything.

If you think about what I said, I didn't say anything.

You have a secret.

You have a secret.

No, you have a secret.

Turn around.

You turn around.

Let me see your back.

Please don't.

J- ust be cool about...

Ew, gross.

J'accuse, Miller,


You fold like a lawn chair.

Fold, fold.

Yes, you ... fold, fold, fold, fold, fold, fold.

Winston told me Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!

Come on, man!


Oh, my God.

They know, Schmidt.


You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston.



I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this.

But, I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me?

Schmidtty really did it this time.

I mean, I'm having Indian every night.

No, no!

Whoa, whoa!

Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way, okay, but trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy.

It was just something that happened and then it got out of control, sort of like poison oak and I just couldn't stop scratching it.

Cece started it.


I did, I started it.

Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents?

When did it start?

Jess, I want to emphasize that we are not dating.

I can't stress that enough.

This is just sex.

Mm-hmm, when did it start?

1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.

Two months ago.

Two months?

Two moons have passed since you started doing it?

Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?

Two moons have passed!

Just a quick sidebar.

Uh, we've done it in every room of the apartment.

Ugh, even my room?

Just the one time.

Oh, God.

How long have you known?

A few days.

You didn't tell me either?

Jess, just as a reminder, I told you seconds after I found out.

Because you're weak, Nick, weak.

Okay, I agree. Just chill out. Stop yelling.

Jess, I want to tell you everything.

What do you want to know?

I don't know, Cece. How would I know if you're telling the truth?

Come on, Jess.

Are you seriously mad?

No, no, I'm not.

I'm really glad you two are having fun.

How cool is that?

For what it's worth I think what I did was really brave.


Get off of me.


Hey, have you guys seen a scarf?

Holly said she left it out here.

It's my favorite scarf because it's a circle, so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or the left.

My therapist gave it to me.

She's Asian, but she's the nicest.

Who is that?

Nobody, just...

Who was that?

Was it that stuck-up bitch from last night with the fake hand?


No, it was no one.

It was just... it was just beep-beep-beep.


I'm so old.

I don't even know how to use a cell phone.

Come on. Let's go clubbing.

You want to go clubbing?

Show me the phone.

Let's go back to when we were having fun.

Let me see the phone.

No, just chill out.

Let me see your phone.



I'll call you.

Nick, are you kid...?

What, you keep the ringer on?

Amateur move, man.

Yeah, I'm just in over my head.

Schmidt, I hate asking you this, but how do you do this?

Oh, glory be, are you asking for my help?

Oh, I-I'm flattered.

Pull up, pull up, Nick. Yank back on that yoke.

We have to face the reality of the situation.

Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it.

He's better than us at this, Winston, and I hate it as much as you do, and, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might...

I might respect you.

Thank you for saying that.

You've come a long way, man.

Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours which, like weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple, a.k.a. Cece, because she's Indian.

You don't have to be so gentle with me.

All right, oh, that's how I like it, baby.

All right.

Sex, man. It's the real stuff.

I don't know that I should help you.

You're not a player.

You're a clingy serial monogamist with ... well, with a terrible metabolism.

Schmidt, I need teach me to be a douchebag.

Let's get to work.

What's happening in the world?

Hey, babe.

Oh, hey, Cece.

Doing some stretches?

Good guess, model.

No, just limbering up in case I want to have sex with one of your roommates.

Do you want some company?


Do you want some company?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Diane Keaton is talking about her rich life full of loyal friends.

Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight.

I get so stressed out.

I mean, my eye twitches back.

I'm eating bread, all right?

Just let me come on this run with you.


Seriously, Jess, it was just one secret.

Everybody has got secrets.

Good afternoon.

Uh, my name is Mr. Schmidt. M-R...

Not even a real chalkboard.

First of all, Nick, congrats.

Thank you.

You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason, they seem to, you know, find you appealing.

In the restaurant of life, you have selected the tasting menu.

Okay, I changed my mind. I don't want to do this any more.

Nick, you're terrible at lying, so what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.S.V.

I cannot believe you slept with Cece.

Short, simple...


Vague. It's actually... it's actually vague.

Let's apply it. I'm one of these young girls that's coming in here.

I want to party. I'm in college. Let's do this. - I'm in.

Hey, what happened to your phone?

Jesus took it.

A Jesus hawk on a speedboat.

The environment.

Bears, family, magic.


I need your help, Schmidt.


I'm the girl, and the whole objective is to get me out of the front door as fast as you possibly can.

Let's do this.



What's your name?

My name is Janine, all right?


Don't make that sound.

Good morning, Nick.

You really gave it to me good last night.

You gave me the full business, yeah.

This is really weird, Schmidt.

It's one of the weirder things we've done, right?

What you thinking, brown eyes? Want to grab some brunch?

Sure, Janine, that sounds fun.

God ... no, you don't want to grab brunch.


Come on, damn it, Nick.

I'm all turned around.


I just had sex with Janine.

I have feelings for her.

Yeah, so you're done.

Oh, I just sleep with her and then kick her out like she's a piece of meat?

This is the problem.

All right, ask me again, Schmidt.

Okay, cowboy, want to saddle up and go again?

No, sweetie, I can't.

Good ... why can't you?

I got things to do. I got plans. - You have work.

Plans can be canceled.

I don't want to live in a house of lies.

I can't do it any more.

Is this happening, too?

No, this is not happening.

No, this is not happening.

This isn't what it looks like.

Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft, and that means that I have some secrets I want to get off my chest.

I'd rather not hear those.

Nobody wants to hear these.

Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.

That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.

Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.

Each heirloom-quality...

Good, this is healthy. Air it out.

All right, one more.

Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life.

He said you were going "full Poppins."

Okay, Winston, I can see anger in your eyes.

Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.


One time.


I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them.

Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one.

Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Dreams do not count.

You've all thought about me while self-completing?

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, Jess, it's not that big a deal.

Really, it's, it's the sincerest form of flattery.

We're going back to keeping secrets.

When I walk through this door and into my room, this conversation never happened.

Oh, my God!

So, what did the raccoon hands look like?

Oh, man, they were digging through the garbage.

Oh, my God!

Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.

Why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler?

Because Cece, I don't want to live in a world with secrets.

And that means that I now know my three roommates have all thought about me while self-completing.

So, I'm gonna wear my winter clothes until I can deal with that fact.

But it's better than not knowing.

Is it really better?

Yeah, it is.

Jess, I don't want to fight with you any more, okay?

I said I was sorry.

We tell each other everything. We always have.

I've never not told you something.

That's what second base means?

Then I'm not a virgin any more.

Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?

I had a dream that I killed you.

You tell me everything, all right?

I stopped telling you everything because every time I did, you got so judgmental and critical.


I had to give it a try, Jess.

I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.


Okay, yeah, you got me.

You don't have secrets, Jess, because you never do anything stupid.

Look at me!

With guys.

So, living with Spencer for six years was not a mistake?

Cece, I'm not judging you.

It's just... Schmidt?

Judging. See what that is?

No. I'm not judging until now.

Don't look at me!

Oh, Jess, would you please!

A winter hat is not gonna make us stop thinking about you from time to time when we delight ourselves.

Oh, no!

Hey, could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor.

Hi, Nick.

Oh, I get it.

It's actually kind of a fantasy of mine.

Can you say the following words out loud?

"The ice roads are too dangerous!

You're gonna have to turn back, Chief."

I'm not saying that.


I want my scarf.

It is 62 degrees out, and I am freezing.

No. I had work. I-I have plans. I...

Get in there! Come on!

Can I just pay you for the scarf?

Fine. $25.

25...! No, I'll just help you look for it.

Nick, where'd you go?

Are you kidding me? No, no, no. It's a bear.

There's a magic bear in there! That's all it is is a magic bear. Just stop. Just...

Hey, Nick.

Who is this?

Can I have this circle scarf?

It's my scarf.


It's my scarf!

It's mine!

It's mine! It's mine!

Nick, I just want you to know that I am not judging you right now.

Oh, yeah. Right, sure.

Ladies, let's not do this.

At least not with our shirts on.

Do you know how many things I haven't told you?

Nol I don't, because, apparently, I don't know you at all.

Are you running a 10K tomorrow?

Who knows? Are you even against MS any more?

Beats me!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

They've stopped hitting each other, and they're just hitting me!

All right, you want to go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house.

I was down in St. Barths with a guy who might be an arms dealer.

And my feet aren't whiter than yours.

I just told you that to make you feel better.

And when we were ten years old, I went to the movie My Girl

with Jessica P before I saw it with you!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

And... I own a motorcycle.

Jessica P?!

Jessica freaking P?

Oh, my God, are you crying under there now?! - No! No!

I think you are.

No, I am not.

All right, everybody stop!

Wherever you are right now, just sit down!

Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!

You ... give her her scarf back.

Finders keepers is not a thing.

You ... get out of my house!

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins.

And Nick is my lover on the down low.

Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D.

Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman!

Flesh on flesh.

When the lights are off, we are all the same.

Not true.

Dear lord, help me, Father!

Get out of my house.

Get out of my house!

Yeah. I'm out.

I'm leaving.

Hey, can you give me a ride?

Get out.

I'm gonna stop and get a manicure.

Do you want to...?

Okay. Yeah.

You told Harpo to beat me?

Bye, guys.

You want them over me?

Over me?! You...

You're sweating so much, it looks like rain, and you...

You, you're peaking, man.

You're at the prime of your life. That's actually...

Cece, get rid of the motorcycle! And Jess, don't act like you haven't thought about us, too, when you're going solo.

Okay? I don't work a

9:00-to-5:00. I'm here all day.

I can hear you!

Now, go away, because I'm... having cereal.

Runners, take their marks.

♪ Around with them ♪
♪ I don't want to walk around with them ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to walk around with them ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ I don't want to walk around with them ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ I don't want to walk around with them... ♪

Why do all female runners look like old German women when they run?

Oh, boy, look at her glisten!

Oh, Cece.

That sports bra is doing God's work right now.

Two months. - I can't stop. I got to beat Jess.

What are you...? What is wrong with you, sir?

That is Cece's water!

You animal!

This thing with our girls has gotten out of control.

Our girls?

Yeah, it makes me really sad to see them fighting over me like this.

Then why are you smiling?

Have you guys... seen... Cece?

Yeah, she's way down there.

Hasn't even broken a sweat.

Jess, okay. Jess, arms up.

Arms up. I need you long and loose like sea grass.

Moving. Move...

Oh, my God, why?!

I'm sorry.

I'm just mad at you.

My adrenaline is going.

Did you make that?


And Cece let you wear it?

What? She thought it was funny.

Cece! Cece?


What's that about, man?

I mean, I think the shirt's pretty funny, no?

Not funny at all.

Puns are creepy, and they freak me out, and you know that. - I like it.


Oh, no, no, no.

I hooked up with both those girls last week.

I didn't know they knew each other. I thought they just lived in the same apartment.

Why didn't you call me? - Why didn't you tell me you hooked up with my roommate?

I don't...

Willow, I didn't call you because I had a family emergency.

Is everything okay?

Yes, it is.

And Megan, I didn't tell you about Willow because the moment we had was so beautiful and intense, that for a second I thought we were the only people on the planet.

Oh. Okay.

Well, we'll see you later.


Bye, guys.

It worked.

Where did that come from?

I don't know. I'm trembling, but it worked.

That was so good my pants just got tight, Nick.

Oh, God, now I hate me as much as I've always hated you. - Skin.

See, I have to do this now.

No, you don't. Don't do it.

Yes, I do. - Skin. All you have to do is just not do it.

I have to. No, because it works.


Cece, I can't... breathe.

Cece, I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt ... because you like him!


The shirt, Cece.

You thought the shirt he made was funny.

You obviously like him.

It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny.

Oh, my God, I think you're right.

And you didn't want to tell me

'cause you knew that I would know.

And you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.

Okay, can we just say that I didn't tell you because I'm a total bitch?

'Cause I'm way more comfortable with that.

Oh, maybe I like Schmidt.

You... You can't tell anyone.

Yeah. That's like a secret only I know.

Heads up.

I'm-I'm peeing.

Oh, my God.

Okay, come on. We got to finish.

Oh! No!

Oh, come on, man. Come on, dude!

Hey, here they come. Here they come.

Come on, guys! Let's go!

Come on, ladies! Be strong!

Come on! Come on, ladies!

Come on, guys.

All right, let's go!

Come on... Come on...

Finish strong!

Good job, guys.

Winner! Oh, man.

Thanks for waiting, man.

Hey, thanks for the ten bucks.

Guess what, you guys.

My shoes are filled with blood!

Oh, God.

I think it's time to go home. A little help. Come on.

All right, Cece, I got her, I got her.

All right. Okay, Jess, here we go.

Okay, Schmidt, grab her feet.

All right, there we go.

Lead us away.

Good job, Jess.

Real proud of you.

What are you doing to that basil, Cece?

You trying to make it confess?

Easy with the knife, Robespierre.

I will cut off your weaker fingers, Schmidt, and I'm gonna start with your pinky.

You guys are adorable.

We are not adorable.

Okay? We are just two people having casual, successful sex.

My bad.


All right. I can't stand this heat.

I gonna get out of the kitchen.

Ow. Ow.

You should really stretch, Jess.


You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is...

I don't... It's kind of a turnoff.

How do we explain to her that this is just... it's just sex?


What is that?

That is shoddy workmanship is what that is.

I'm taking you off prep.

Go clean the garbanzo beans.

I'm taking my knife.

Be careful with that knife.

It's from Japan.

Why? Why, Cece?

Why am I sleeping with Schmidt?

Is it a pity thing?

Is he sick?

Are you working for the government?

Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he?

If he is holding you against your will, blink twice.

Blink twice.

Are you tired of being turned on?

Hmm? You have a mole fetish?

Is it huge?

I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that.

Is it huge?

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