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  1x12 - The Landlord
 Posted: 02/08/12 19:06
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(Horn honks)

NICK: Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot.

I was here first!

That's my space, huh?

This isn't Europe! Move!

Come on. Come on, Nick.

Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day.

I don't care if he's a nice guy.

Get that piece of crap out of my space.

Don't... - Come on, dude. Why don't you come in here, Nick!

...take my pants off...and kiss my ass?

Oh! Oh, my God!

What do you got to say now? Huh?

Oh, my God, it's like The Wire!

He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down.

Oh, my God. You still think he's a nice guy, Jess?

That's what I thought.

Maybe no one's ever been nice to him.

Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself.

Hi. - Huh? Get down. What are you doing?!

JESS: Hi. Don't kill us.

Don't use guns!

Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down.

We're sorry. Take the spot.

JESS: Sir...

Just be submissive.

Sorry about this guy.

Don't apologize...

He's overreacting.

I'm overreacting? He has a gun, and you're dressed like a bull's-eye.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I can't believe this is working.

Sorry. - You out-crazied a man with a gun.

Have a good day.

See, it worked.

You always see the worst in people.

♪ Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl?

Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess.

Here we go again.

Another text message from work. Look at that.

"Tokyo call at 11:00?"

This is driving me crazy!

What is she trying to say?

I'm not an expert at your industry at all, but, um, sounds like there's a call.

From Tokyo.

Sometime today.

Oh, wait. At 11:00.

You don't understand.

I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately.

What is wrong with you?

The world is not out to seduce you.

(phone buzzing) "And bring me the budget reports."

Why can't she just say what she wants?

What kind of sick game is she playing?

It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head.

Nonfat vanilla latte.

We're not talking about coffee...

are we?

Three, please.

Are you sure you want me to...

stop at three?

I have a package for Schmidt.

Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline.

He said he had a package for Schmidt. JESS: Oh, you're always starting fights with everyone, Nick.

I mean, not everyone's out to get you.

He had a gun, Jess!

He was literally out to get me.

Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met?

Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up right in that little satinous center below his belly button.

WINSTON: I mean, he's not wrong, though.

His life is genuinely terrible. NICK: You know what, Jess?

I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, and people do what I want them to do.

You never smile.

A smile is a sign of weakness.

(screams, whirring)


All right, everybody relax.


(clanking, Nick groaning)

Get out!

It's fixed.

Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord.


This is ridiculous.

Don't call the landlord.

We don't need him here, and he's a jerk.

See, here's an example.

Maybe you never gave him the chance to show you what a great guy he is.

Yeah, he's a terrible person. No, Jess. He sucks.

Don't call the landlord, I'm serious.


Hey, Kim, where should I put this...

budget... report?

On the desk.

Yeah, um, okay.

I'll just... Thanks. So...

Schmidt, my files need sorting.

Do it here... so I can watch.


So, you want me to...

sort... your files?

Is that right?

What are you doing?

What am I...? Hmm? Okay.

Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re...

I'm just gonna replace all of them.


Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord?

Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame.

I know I do, so if you could do me a solid and take care of those extras?

Cool office.

I like your...

bucket of...


It's super practical.

What you got there?


So, I live in, um, Four D...

There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft.

Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix.

What do you say?


(water dripping)

That's a sweet picture.

How old are your kids?

I did that.

It's me and my ex-wife.

Okay, you know what? Um...

My roommates are really scared of you, but I know you're a good man, and I know you don't want the four of us living in a dangerous apartment.

The four of you?

Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people.

Oh, did I say four?

You know what?

I was counting myself twice.

It's so easy to do.

Big personality over here, so...

gonna go...


Hey, guys.

I've got a fun exercise.

I'd like everybody to take a moment and think back to a time when they did something stupid, how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated.

What did you do, Jess? LANDLORD (knocking): Open up!

Did you talk to the landlord?

Little bit.

Okay, it's happening. Guys, go.

Ginny. Call me Ginny. Ginny.

Ginny. I'm Ginny. Okay, go.

We'll be right there. Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay.

NICK: Come on, this is what we trained for, guys.

Go! All the way, all the way, all the way.

Be careful with the duvet, please.

Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out!

Oh, my God. - Told you we didn't practice this enough.

Jess, close those up.

Oh, there goes the chinos.


Brad. Coach.

(heavy accent): Oh. Hello. (laughs)

Ginny! I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles.

It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives.

Oh. Hollywood!


Oh, good-bye.

Bye, Ginny.

Yeah, Ginny.

Thank you for memories.

Bye, Ginny.

Ginny. You're the best, Ginny.

Oh, I'll miss him.

I love Ginny.

So, someone told me you have four people living here.


Well, that idiot probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so...

You don't want... you don't want to go in the library...

Who left the library like this?

You kidding me? Oh!

Know what? This is so embarrassing. Who left the library like...?

This is a mess.

Hey, hey, where you going, my man?

Oh. Hello.

Train to Panama all sold out.

Must be the Mardi Gras.

Good God, what is this?

Why would you do this?

This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this.

It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony.

Paint over it!

Or you pay for it.


He's fair.

Who painted that?


Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with.

He used to wear a le...

I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast!

Have fun, buddy.

To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just...

Four people is fine.

Just paint over the sex wall, and don't bother me any more.

Hey, sir, wait.

Jess, let.. let him go.

I just want to apologize on behalf of all of us for lying to you about how many people live here.

Stop reminding him.

But while you're up here, might as well just fix a few things.

Please... Remy?

How did you know my name? They call you?

I saw your tattoo that says,

"Hello, My Name is Remy,"

and I just... I took a leap of faith.

Look, I know you're a good guy...

Okay, what do you... what do you want fixed?

Why don't you close your eyes and point at something?

Her. Not you.



I need you to clean up my hard drive.

Okay, do you want me to reformat first? - I said, I need you...

to clean up...

my hard drive.

I should have seen a divorce coming.

You know, we stopped doing the little things, like talking.

One day, we were humping.

Then everything changed.

We weren't humping.

That must have been really hard.

You know, it was what it was.

Come on, Remy.

It was hard.

It was hard.


All right, give it a shot.


Okay. Oh.

Here, I'll help...

I'll brace you. Pull back.


Use your hips. Come on.


Oh! Oh, that's good.

That's it, is it?


That'll do it.

Hey, Jess.

Can I talk to you for a minute alone?



So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong?

Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow.

That man wants to sleep with you.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does. - He was just showing me how to close a closet.

Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck.

Watch any sports movie.

That is not a thing.

You mind picking up that mug?

Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong.

Here, let me show you.

No, no, no. I've been doing this for years.

See, the way to pick up a mug is like that.

You just got to relax into it.

He wasn't doing that!

That's exactly what he was doing.

You always see the worst in people!

Yeah, because people are the worst!

Oh, five bucks!

Look out, college. Here I come!


That's it. People stink!

You must have been doing something.

Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?

Well, people can be good.

You just have to give them a chance to show you.


Hey, little girl.

You like candy?

I sure do!


My nana made way too much!

Why can't you admit you were wrong?

I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment.

I'm working up an appetite in there.

Boy, I hope you don't mind the smell of a real man in your room.

Let me know when you want to get started on that bed.


He's turning my mattress.


This is so wonderful.

Oh, come on.

Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table.

No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle.

Jess loaned her seasickness bracelets.

Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.

You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly?

Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there.

I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.

Cece, can I talk to you, as a...

as a woman?

All right, Schmidt.


My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25.

I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see the finish line, but I just can't get there.

I need to put one of these on right now.

The problem is is we don't talk.

I don't know what she's thinking.

Should I make a move or not?

Stop asking permission and go get it.

That's what I would want.

There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.

Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig?

What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her?

What if I had a croissant blog?

Two of these now.


Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going?

Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, because everything is easy...

"when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success."


I have here Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007.

Oh, please, read on. NICK: Read my favorite one.

"Stop pursuing Caroline.

"She's Nick's girl.

Deal with it.

"Deal with it." CECE: Wow!

She's my girl.

Okay, where'd you find that?

Do not ever stop reading this.

I was very young. And drunk.

Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..." - Cocoon.

...that will one day release your butterfly"?

No, it does not say that one!

That's number three.

Come on!

Why are you doing this to me?

Maybe I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo.

This is my favorite.

"Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it."


Steal his...! You were gonna steal my sparkle?

Give me that.

The funniest thing just happened.

I was watching Remy fix the sink, and I got totally soaked.

You were so wet!

Man overboard!

So I invited Remy over for dinner to thank him for all the stuff he's been doing around the apartment. Who's in?

I gotta... I...

I got a boat, so...

So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess.

Oh, no, Remy.

I changed my mind;

I'll be there.

Just watching you.

Remy brought a bottle of...


I ferment things in the basement.

I also make cheese.

Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess.

Yes, I am, Remy made it.


Think you can handle some, Nick?

Oh, I'm okay.

Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later.

Nick, be nice;

How hard could it be to just open yourself up a little bit?

Dip your toe in the pool of possibilities.

Yeah, Nick.

Dip your toe.

You guys have a lot in common.

Nick went through a break-up last year that was really hard on him.

Schmidt said your mom had to fly out.

That was a scheduled trip.

Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears?


Did you punch out all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand?

Did you go out, looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood?

In my own way.

Come here, man.

(sighing, panting)

It's gonna be okay.


Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine.

Yeah, I'll probably just do the same.



(car alarm blaring)

I want you.



(tires screech)

No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip!

No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him! She wanted me to! Consensual, guys!

Tap out, ow, tap out!


Oh, man, tonight is just...

I-I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again.

So... thanks.

Bathroom break.

(clears throat)


I was right.

What do you mean, you're right?

You're wrong.

You see the way he's buttering me up so he can move in on you?

Why can't you just admit that you were wrong?

How have you lived this long on your own?

There is no part of that man that wants to sleep with me.

He's been creeping on you all night.

No, he hasn't been.

Open your eyes, like, I'm worried...



Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants?

I've never done a threesome.

That's what we're doing here, right?

This I did not expect.

I love watching you be wrong, Jess.

I might've been a little bit off about Remy, but people are generally good, and I'm not wrong about that.

Jess, people are jerks.

He is hurting from his divorce...

Are you still making excuses for this guy?

Well, look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there.

Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility.

Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss that ball around, huh?

So turned on.

Okay, you would seriously have a threesome with that man just to get me to admit that I'm wrong?

I think we could do a lot worse than Remy.

He's got strong arms.

Let's have a threesome.


All right, so, a menage

a trois is about three of us... trois...


...Menage-ing fully.



This is happening with this guy.

This is happening right now, Jess.


So, it's gonna get even a little more uncomfortable.

We just have to keep talking with each other, all right?

Around and communicating.

Let's get some relax music going.

Great idea, great idea.

Okay? All right.

Thank you. Why can't you just admit that he's a good guy?

We are about to have a menage a

trois 'cause you won't admit you're wrong. You're out of your mind.

I'm just saying he's a good guy.

Yeah, get into it.

I am so into this.

I can't wait till we're all menage-ing.

Are you into this, Jess?


Say you're wrong. No, turn this up. It's great.

Say it's over, and it's over.

Don't get nervous, Nick.

This is just a regular conversation we're having.

Oh, yeah.

Except I'm rubbing your back.

That's right.

And then I'm going to start unbuttoning your pants, and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt.

I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though.

Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off, Nick.

Okay? Because you are gonna be the underpants captain tonight. - Makes sense.

Great choice, Remy.

Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain.

Let's bring it in.


You two get us started.

Me and Jess get it started?


All right?

Us two...

Go ahead.

...getting it started.

You know what to do.

Breathe into each other.

Oh, yeah, Jess.

I'm not here.

Relax into the menage.

Let's get this started, Nick.

You doing this? - Yes.

Come together.

Are you doing this? Cause I'm...


I will do it.

All right, okay.

We're gonna do it.

Then let's do this.

Nick, I will do this.

Say that you're wrong, and it's over.

I'm not wrong.

Jess, you can't do this.

But I can.


Let's do this, Nick.

Let's do it, Jess.

I can do it.

(muffled yell)

No, okay!

Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong.

Yes! Yes!

I'm sorry, Remy.


What, we're not doing this?

JESS: No. NICK: We're not doing it.

I get it, cold feet is just, you know, it's part of the journey, so...


What is going on in here?

All right, I am not ready for a four-way.

That's, uh, I'm-I'm...

I'm out of this.

To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high.

Why didn't you tell me four people couldn't live in this apartment?

If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans.

I love shenanigans, as long as no one gets hurt.

(loud popping, Jess screams)

Okay, just so we're clear, we're gonna have to live with this, right?




Hey, Kim?

Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.

I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just...

I really don't want to lose my job, okay?

I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years.

Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.

Your lip is bleeding.

It opens back up when I talk.

Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m.

mistaken assault in the parking garage.

I've had a thing for you every since I was the husky kid in the mailroom.

And if... if you don't believe me...

here you go.

Straight from '07. Read resolution number four.

It's about you.

"Only think about hot new C.F.O. Every other time I masturbate."

I did not live up to the challenge.

Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me"

"Mr. Finish/Garee Time Jones/

The Hook-up-erator."

Can I...?

Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already."

Okay, thank you.


Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call.



Pants! Pants!


(counting in Japanese)

...five, six...

I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call.

(clicks tongue)

(confused murmuring)

Yo... you look awesome.

(elevator bell dings)

My door is always open.

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