INT. TAXI. NIGHT.

JESSICA DAY, late twenties, sits in a taxi with a large winter coat on. She’s on the phone. It’s summer in New York.

JESS (V.O.)

So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my god. There's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem?! Call the police!" And she's like, "Okay" but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh... my story's kind of like that.

JESS

It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in, and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he has this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold and he's helping me put myself through college.

CECE

He didn't say the college part, did he?

JESS

Um, no. I-I wanted to create a 3-dimensional sex character.

CECE

Really? What's your stripper name?

JESS

Uh... Rebecca Johnson.

CECE

Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?

JESS

Boobies Johnson. T-two boobs Johnson.

CECE

Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you.

Hello?

I came home early.

Jess! What ...

Who's Jess?

You're talking to...

Tiger Boobs.

I'm doing sexy things

With a pillow

This...

She's doin' sexy stuff

To the plant right...

JESS (CONT’D)

Okay. I'll pick that up later

(singing)

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

INT. A LOFT. DAY- A COUPLE WEEKS LATER.

Reveal the voice-over is coming from Jess in present day...

JESS

So, that happened.

That's why I need a new apartment.

I'm sorry. What was the question, again?

Do you have any pets?

You know, it's funny.

JESS (CONT’D)

When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women.

SCHMIDT (very defensive)

Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, well, I made the...

NICK

Schmidt wrote the ad.

JESS

Oh, I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, uh, like... "Sun-soaked and beige-y."

[Schmidt takes off his t-shirt, revealing a rock hard six-pack. He runs his hand up and down them.]

What are you doing?

SCHMIDT

What about these? These look beige-y to you?

Sorry.

I'm his trainer, so, uh...

It's kind of the house that Coach built right here.

What are we looking at here? That's baby-smooth.

This is L.L.S. "Ladies Love Schmidt."

What?! What did you just say?

Go put a dollar in the jar right now.

Are you serious?

Yeah! Now!

Damn it.

"L.L.S."? What is wrong with you?

This place is beautiful. It gets so much light.

Spencer hated light.

It's hard to say his name.

It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.

"Dumped"? Yeah, I got dumped.

I can't hear you! That means we're not breaking up!

Yes, we're breaking up.

We can't break up if I can't hear you!

I'm breaking up with you.

I need some time away...

Yeah, I got dumped.

She dumped me.

And I'm over it.

Okay? It was six months ago, guys.

Get past it!

I don't even know why we're still talking about it!

Why is everybody looking at me?!

You know what? I want to live here.

Actually, I still have some questions.

I mean, like, no offense, but we barely know you.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

So, um... full disclosure.

I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, so I'll probably be watching "Dirty Dancing" at least six or seven times a day.

Um, I'm a teacher, so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that.

Also, I like to sing to myself a lot. [sings] A lot.

I'm tired of living with my friend.

She's a model. All her friends are models.

Uh, how soon can you move in?

Actually, Schmidt, slow up.

Not happening.

Okay, uh, can you give us a second?

I just got to... got to talk to my boys.

"My boys" is not a thing around here.

My bros, okay?

Okay, douchebag jar.

For what? For "My bros"?

I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models.

Okay, you guys? Models.

I say no.

I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out, let them breathe!

Nick, it's all you, buddy.

Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points, points that I respect, but I will say this.

I have lived with a woman... Caroline, as you guys know...

And so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys.

Nick, you're weak!

Okay, pro... they smell nice.

Cons...

Every once in a while, the mood changes, and you're not sure why.

They'll ruin your life if you let them.

They'll break down your will to live.

Pros... they're really good at folding.

Make a decision!

I'm sorry. You know what?

But, like, another pro... like, when you, like...

Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Put it down.

Don't... don't hood me.

You guys don't know what you're talking about.

Don't hood me. Please don't hood me.

Okay. I know what I'm talking about.

Okay. Pushed him too hard.

We did pushed him too hard. Damn it.

Executive decision... she's in.

Yay! I'm in!

You are not gonna regret this.

What have you done, Schmidt?

I got to go mom.

No, I'm not watching "Dirty Dancing."

No, I don't think so.

Hey, are you gonna murder me

'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet?

Yes, I am.

He says no.

No, look, I got to go, okay?

All right. Love you. Bye.

So, the wild west party's on Saturday.

I'm trying to get us in, but...

You may need to call Caroline.

I'm not calling Caroline.

Now, hear me out ...

Shh!

Had the time of my life

We are in this situation because of you.

I hate your face, Spencer! I love you!

It has been a week of this madness.

I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it.

You know what? I got this.

Hi, Coach.

Stop it.

Stop!

Schmidt!

Okay. All right.

I got us into this. I'm gonna get us out.

Jess, I'm gonna take the remote.

All right. All right. Hey, Jess.

How you doin'?

You look fantastic.

Listen, what if you came out with us tonight?

You know, after work.

You know, we'll fix you up. We'll take you out.

We'll get you a rebound.

A rebound?

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm ready.

You're totally ready for it.

I'll take you through the whole thing.

You know, I'll be... I'll be like your guide.

Like Gandalf through Middle Earth?

Probably not like...

Okay, first of all, let's just...

Let's take the "Lord Of The Rings" references...

Let's put them in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them... ever.

Except Smeagol.

He lives in a cave.

You know what, Jess? Come on.

Let's just take the head off the... off the couch.

Come on. Sit up, girl.

There you go.

Look at that. Doesn't that feel good?

There we go.

I think that sounds nice.

She's goin' out to find a rebound

Who's that girl? It's Jess!

Wait. Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

I-I'm gonna fix it.

I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party.

This party is everything to me.

Please, Nick. We go every year.

You have no idea what I'm going through at work.

I'm just trying to do my work!

I'm trying to do a good job here!

Nice tie. Can I borrow a tampon?

Schmidt, I'm not calling her.

Listen to me.

Knowing every year that I will be going to the wild wild west charity auction for poverty reminds me that no matter what, I'm still a man.

And I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Cherokee nation, Which is not racist, because it is for a good cause.

Somebody's in here!

We're leaving in 10 minutes. Did you shave your legs?

I will now.

Front and backs?

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm gonna kill myself now.

Just call Caroline.

You call her all the time when you're drunk.

I-I don't know to what you are referring.

Hello, Caroline.

I still love you.

So much.

So much.

I'm not calling her.

Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat?

Then maybe, if you're super-lucky, you might find a girl who will motorboat you right back.

I don't think she knows what motorboating is.

Jess! We are leaving in five!

Hey.

Hey, Coach, what's...

Sorry.

Uh, m-my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, which is ridiculous.

Sweat, woman! Sweat!

Aah! I'm sweating!

Go!

You're so mean!

I'm not mean!

I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to help you!

So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that.

Sure. Sure. Absolutely.

Um, well, first of all, maybe think about what women like to talk about.

You know, like... use me for practice.

All right, um...

Shopping.

Is that fun for you guys?

Yeah, shopping's fun.

Uh, the other day, I bought a pair of jeggings.

They look like jeans, but they're really leggings.

You...

I...

Who cares?!

Sorry.

Um, good job.

Uh, a couple things you could work on.

Uh, one... lowering your voice.

Right on.

Um, two... listening.

Uh, three... rage.

Absolutely.

Um, four...

Your hair is on fire.

Beers and a rosé?

Pink wine makes me... slutty.

Whoa. Cute-guy alert.

Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this.

You want to forget about Spencer, you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things...

With that man right over there.

How bad?

Real bad, Jess. Real bad.

Like, uh, make-out session, no tops.

Okay, this is what... this is what's gonna happen.

Y-you're gonna go over there.

You're gonna stand next to him, and you're gonna smile.

You're not gonna smile like that.

You look like a hungry badger.

Stop that.

O-okay, I got this. I got this.

You got... you got it. Just go make it happen.

Get 'em up! Grind it out!

Go do it! Grind it out!

Hey, sailor.

Oh. All right. That's okay.

You can come back from that.

Maybe he didn't hear that. You're all good.

Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt!

Oh, it is all about the Benjamin!

What's up?!

What's up, man?

All right. P-funk, what's up, dude?

This is Coach.

What's up, Coach?

You like parties?

Don't talk to me.

Yeah, okay.

You know who likes to party hard, right?

So, you coming on Saturday?

I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there.

Uh, maybe. Yeah.

I heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No?

Are you not on the list?

Man, I'm on the... list. You know that.

Ah, that sucks, man.

Keep your head up, all right?

All right, player.

Do your thing, man. It was good seeing you.

All right, man. P-funk, always.

Nick, please Why are you friends with those guys?

Nick, please get me in the party.

I'm begging you, please.

No, I'm not calling Caroline.

Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea?

Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.

I don't think you're trying that hard.

Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so...

What if god was one of us?

Make it stop!

Just a slob like one of us

Look at us... couple of losers.

We both got dumped.

Geesh.

I'm fine.

It was six months ago, so...

Do you know why she dumped you?

I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad.

No, no. It made no difference to me.

I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire.

So you're always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it?

Was there something I could have done differently?"

You know what happens to people who keep it all inside?

They get old and they get sad and they get weird, and then you're the old man, and you're yelling at the kids who are running across your yard, and you're telling them,

"Don't run across my yard.

My life's filled with regret."

You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.

Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.

No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess.

Why not? It's fun.

Because I have a penis.

My name is Nick, I have a penis

and I'm not gonna let any feelings out.

Okay, Jess...

Your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.

Yeah. I know.

Hey.

I'm Peter.

What are you drinking?

Oh, I'll have another pink wine.

I like your glasses.

They help me see.

She's doing all right.

Schmidt stain!

Hey, man, I was thinking...

It's probably better that you don't come to the party.

That means more breasts for me.

You better step down, son.

You're taking this whole thing too far.

I'm seri... hold me back, Coach.

I-I'm serious. Hold me back. Hold me back!

Coach, would you please hold me back?

No.

Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax.

Nice. See you there, Schmidty.

Ah, totally, Broseph!

Yeah, I texted Caroline.

You texted Caroline?

It's no big deal.

It's behind me. It's in the past, so...

Thank you. I love you, bro.

Yeah. There it is.

Did you just kiss my arm a little?

You bet I did. It felt right.

So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor.

Yeah, cool. I'll call... cool.

What's happening tomorrow, sailor?

You know what? You guys were totally right.

I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, and it totally worked. He asked me out.

Dinner... with food.

I'm so proud of you.

You got it, girl.

You did good. Yeah, you put it...

Date!

It's Jess!

She's on fire

She's on fire

She got some big panties!

All right, should we tell her?

Ah, I think we let her have her moment.

Do the shoes fit, Jess?

I'm okay!

What, are you a model or something?

Yeah.

Yes, mostly print right now, so...

What is it? Cece? Cecelia?

"Chechelia"?

Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams?

You know, are you warm? I'm a little I'm a little warm right now.

Don't, Schmidt.

All right.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Please put your shirt back on.

Please don't make me laugh at you.

Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea?

Oh, my god.

How good is that? For real. What?

Little P-mint tea?

Yum, right?

Hot, sweet.

Little tea-bag action.

I wasn't... oh.

I wasn't talking about...

There it is.

Douchebag.

Listen to me, you guys.

Jess is by far the best person that I know.

So if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I did not hear a word that you just said,

'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now.

Here you go.

Jess!

Why are you talking like this?

I fell off my heels.

Okay. All right.

No. Come on. Get up.

Oh, what am I doing?

I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible?

What if I have nothing to talk about?

Then you go to the bathroom and you call me and you tell me all about it.

Maybe I just shouldn't go.

Babe, you got hurt.

That doesn't mean you stop trying.

Okay?

Okay. Let's go. Come on.

You got to take off those overalls.

I was going for, like, a...

Like a "Hot farmer's daughter" kind of thing.

You know, like...

"I'm going to go milk my cows...

With my bucket."

Take them off.

Okay.

What am I gonna wear?

Thanks, Coach.

And then she does that.

I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over.

Wait. Have you been texting him?

Is that bad?

No. It's nice.

Have a good night.

This is gonna be great.

Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian.

Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too.

Coach, I got your back.

No, Nick, I want to hear it from him.

Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts?

Excuse me, is, uh, Caroline, I'm looking for Caroline.

We're supposed to be on some list.

Hey. Nick.

That's her.

Sorry. I'm wearing this stupid thing.

Schmidt made me do it.

Thank you so much for getting us in.

Yeah. No problem.

Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank-calling me.

What?

"Hello, Caroline."

"I still loves you, I do."

Yeah, you got to figure that out.

Some crazy person's calling you.

You look nice. It's good to see you.

I-I think I'm almost finished out here if you...

Do you want to go... grab a drink?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Sure. Yeah.

Let's you and I just get a drink, be normal about it.

Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. I just...

I have to ask you something so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret.

But why did you dump me?

Do ... okay, are we doing this here, like, now?

Yeah.

Why did you dump me?

Honestly, I-I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up.

Okay.

Let's get that drink.

Get along, little doggie!

Well, howdy, there, muchachos.

Hey, where's Jess?

Oh, dude, she texted me seven times...

Like, long ones.

I just wanted to hook up.

So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her?

Yeah, that's what I did. I called her.

Stay in touch, Schmidt!

Nick.

Want to get that drink?

No, I got to go help a friend, Caroline.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Guys, this is the party of the year, you guys.

This is our night. This is our night!

I'm going with Nick, man. You coming?

I thought you guys were my boys!

"Boys" is not a thing, Schmidt! Stop!

Do you have anything else that is free but also has bread in it?

Because the... the, like, good bread, I ate, and that's... all that's left is like a...

It's like... it's kind of like a health bread.

I'm sorry.

We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.

Can I please just stay just a little bit longer?

We're here!

Yeah!

We're here, Jess! We're here.

Here for the date... date thing.

You're all on a date?

Yeah. We, uh, we're her boyfriends.

We are reverse mormons.

One man just isn't enough for her.

Okay.

Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk.

The guy's a clown.

You guys missed your party to come here and...

See me?

Yeah. We, uh... we care about you.

We like you.

That's so nice!

What is that?

Don't start crying.

Come on.

It's cool. It's very, very cool.

Come on, Jess. Come on.

Please ...

Stop it!

It's okay. Hey, don't cry.

For I've had the time of my life

What is he doing?

And I've never felt this way before

Yes, it's true

And it's something something something

There's bears in my house

And it's the song that makes you really, really happy

I'm not, uh, I'm not participating in this.

Just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

And I'll tell you something

This could be love, because

- I've had.

Had

The time of my life

And I owe it all to you

Come on! What time is it?!

The time of my life

You have to leave... now. All of you.

You're right, Jess. This movie's pretty good.

Seriously, thank you, guys, so much for tonight.

That was really cool.

Listen, Jess, I know you've had a really rough go of it, and... I just want you to know that...

I mean, for me, at least, n-no matter what...

I would still totally do you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Jar.

Yeah. Jar.