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| 7x23 - The Gorilla Dissolution https://foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=159&t=11035 |
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| Author: | bunniefuu [ 05/11/14 13:29 ] |
| Post subject: | 7x23 - The Gorilla Dissolution |
Scene: The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Bernadette: Almost there. You’re doing great. Howard: Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box. Raj: Please hurry. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I don’t need a treadmill. Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I get plenty of exercise. Howard: Crushing my will to live isn’t exercise. Raj: If she isn’t gonna use it, then why are we doing this? Howard: She’ll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham. Raj: All right. Now what? Bernadette: We set it up in Howie’s old room. Raj: Do you know how to set it up? Howard: Please, I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle… Ma, look out. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Aaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Raj: So she’s gonna be laid up for at least six weeks. Leonard: Poor Mrs. Wolowitz. Amy: Should we do something for her? Sheldon: I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie. Amy: Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt. Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey, how were things on the set? Penny: Uh, pretty good, actually. Raj: So the movie’s not as bad as you thought? Penny: Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all. Amy: Good for you. Penny: Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen. Leonard: I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat. Sheldon: Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust. Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon. Sheldon: I know. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Howard: Okay, she’s all settled in the guest room. Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs. Howard: You mean a forklift? Bernadette: Howie. Howard: I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with this right now. Bernadette: Taking care of your own mother? How can you say that? Howard: Bernie, she’s gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet? Bernadette: I would do it for my mother. Howard: Yeah, of course you would, you’re a loving person. I’m what my people would call a putz. Bernadette: Look, I’m not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have? Howard: We get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who’s used to suffering and unpleasant smells. Bernadette: You’d hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That’s so cruel. Howard: Not if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I need to tinkle. Howard: Sounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet? Bernadette: You are a putz. Howard: As advertised. Scene: A cinema. Sheldon: Thanks for coming with me. Raj: Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses? Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes. Raj: Is that a real thing? Sheldon: Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out. Raj: Emily, Hey. Emily: Oh, hey, Raj. Raj: Uh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily. Sheldon: Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about? Emily: Um, you know what? I better go. My movie’s about to start. Raj: Are you here alone? Emily: No, not really. Raj: What do you mean, not really? Man: Hey, should we get our seats? Emily: Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later. Raj: Yeah, okay. Sheldon: That was awkward, right? Raj: Uh-huh. Sheldon: Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow? Raj: Yes. Sheldon: Good. I thought she saw something on my forehead. Scene: The movie set. Director: And action. Wil Wheaton: Please don’t shut me out. Penny: Go away. Just go away. Wil: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back. Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla? Wil: I was trying to save your life. Penny: Life? What life? Look at me, I’m a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don’t know. Wil: You can’t give up. I love you. Penny: I love you, too. But I’m afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you. Director: And cut. All right. All right, let’s set up for the next scene. Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better. Director: Let’s just move on. No one cares. Penny: Well, I care. I mean, look, if we’re gonna do this, why not try and make it something we’re actually proud of? Director: Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, ’cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn’t be in it. Leonard: Whoa, whoa, hang on. There’s no need to insult her. Director: And who are you? Leonard: I’m her boyfriend. Director: Isn’t she too hot for you? Leonard: A little, yeah. Director: Well, boyfriend, get off my set. Penny: You can’t do that. He’s with me. Director: You know what? You can get off my set, too. You’re fired. Penny: What? You can’t fire me. I’m the star. I’m the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster. Director: Yeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this. Wil: Hey, if you’re gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too. Scene: A bar. Wil: Wow, that fell apart really fast. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy. Sheldon: Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea. Raj: You don’t have to make me anything. Sheldon: No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you? Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban. Sheldon: Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man? Raj: Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Sheldon: Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me. Raj: But you don’t have sex with her, either. Sheldon: Slick, huh? Raj: To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other. Sheldon: Have you had intercourse? Raj: No. Sheldon: Well, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m hungry again. Howard: It’s like the world’s fattest cuckoo clock. Bernadette: You know, you’re always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it’s gonna be like. Howard: No, it’s not. Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We’re even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own. Howard: Maybe you’re right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth. Bernadette: I’m just telling you now, if we do have kids, don’t expect me to do all the work. Howard: Hey, I’m a very paternal person. I’d be excellent at taking care of a baby. Mrs Wolowitz (off): I’m still hungry. Howard: I’m coming, you big baby. Scene: The bar. Penny: You know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass. Wil: Forget it, man, it’s crap. You just move on to the next thing. Penny: Yeah, well, it’s easy for you to say. You used to be famous. Wil: Hey. I just lost a job for you. Penny: All right, I’m sorry, you’re famous. Wil: Penny, it’s not about being famous. It’s about the art. It’s about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer. Penny: God, what am I doing with my life? Leonard: You having second thoughts about acting? Penny: You were on set, you saw what it was like. Leonard: Yeah, but it’s not always that bad. Penny: Oh, really? Leonard: What about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater? Penny: It was over a bowling alley. Leonard: Yeah, but there was ample parking. Penny: Are you done? Leonard: And you were so good in the TV commercial. Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream. Leonard: And I got itchy and swollen just watching you. Penny: Leonard, you are really not cheering me up. Leonard: Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this? Penny: Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny. Scene: The apartment. Raj: I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me? Sheldon: An interesting question. Well, good night. Raj: What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now. Sheldon: That’s your problem. You can’t be alone. Raj: What do you mean? Sheldon: How many women have you had dates with? Raj: Eleven. Sheldon: How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion? Raj: Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sheldon: Sure. Raj: I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better. Sheldon: Well, now do you see the problem? Raj: Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone. Sheldon: I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Bernadette: Howie, I’m back! Howard: Shh, I just got her to sleep. Bernadette: Sorry. Howard: What took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away. Bernadette: They only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes. Howard: Then why do I smell coffee on your breath? Bernadette: So what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha. Howard: A mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen. Bernadette: Queen? I’ve been killing myself here. Howard: Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I’m nice, I want to take care of people. Bernadette: I’m glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I’m glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Howard: Thanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again. Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj: Hey. Emily: Thanks for letting me come over. Raj: Of course. Please, come in. Emily: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I want to make sure that we’re okay. Raj: Uh, look, you and I haven’t made any commitments to each other. Emily: I know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he’s been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with. Raj: It’s okay. Emily: Really? Raj: Well, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that’s my issue, not yours. Emily: Wow. If I saw you out with another woman, I’d be pretty upset. Raj: Thank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen. Emily: Just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else. Raj: Well, me, neither. Emily: Okay. Raj: Okay. Please. So, uh, you, you have tattoos? Emily: Yeah. Raj: I don’t. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing. Emily: That’s cool. Raj: It’s a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos? Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder. Raj: It’s, uh, been a long time since I’ve seen a girl’s really not her shoulder. Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? Raj: But, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches. Scene: Penny’s apartment. Penny: Oh, my God. What a day. Leonard: Can I get you anything? Penny: No. I need to start making some smart decisions. Leonard: With your career? Penny: With my life. Leonard: Like what? Penny: I don’t know. We could get married. Leonard: Come on, be serious. Penny: I am. Leonard: Why? Because I’m a, a smart decision? Penny: Well, yeah. Leonard: So I’m like a bran muffin. Penny: What? No, that’s not what I’m saying. Leonard: No, it’s exactly what you’re saying. I’m the boring thing you’re choosing because I’m good for you. Penny: What does it matter? The point is, I’m choosing you. Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don’t want to be a bran muffin. I, I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you’re excited about even though it could give you diabetes. Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want. Leonard: No, no. No, it’s too late. I’m your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon. Penny: You know what? Forget it. I never should’ve brought it up. Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you’re only doing this because you got fired and you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could have happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don’t need to be famous or have some big career to be happy. Leonard: Then what do you need? Penny: You, you stupid Pop-Tart. Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I’m in. Penny: Really? You guess you’re in? Leonard: Not like, I guess I’m in. Like I guess, I’m in! Penny: Okay. Leonard: Cool. Leonard: So is that it? Are, are we engaged? Penny: Yeah, I think so. Leonard: All right. Penny: What’s wrong? Leonard: I’m not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic. Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh? Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help. Penny: Where did you get a ring? Leonard: I’ve had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me? Penny: Oh, my God, yes. Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn’t have monkey hair on your finger. Scene: Mrs Wolowitz’s house. Howard: How you feeling? Bernadette: Last night was a little rough, but I think we’re gonna get through this. Howard: I’m proud of us. Bernadette: Me, too. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Where’s my pancakes?! Foreign Nurse: Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz! Bernadette: You were right. Howard: Welcome to Team Putz. |
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