(THEME SONG PLAYING) (GATE BANGS) (GATE CLOSING) (SIRENS WAILING) (FEMALE DISPATCHER TALKING INDISTINCTLY) PATRICK: Yo, Burset.

We're clearing out, man.

What the fuck you doing? Cap wanted me to document the damage.

You gotta check out this life-sized fucking panda bear they got in their living room, half burnt.

It's got one melted plastic eye.

Come on, I'll show you.

So I say to her, "You're the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month.

" She goes, "But, I'm not pregnant!" And I go, "You're not rescued yet!" (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Burset, where the fuck you going? Gotta drain the hose.

Anyway, you know the fucking crying guy with the cat? Remember him? I kept telling him the cat wasn't in the house.

He kept screaming that I gotta go back in.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) WOMAN OVER PA: Laundry is now available for pick-up.

(SNORTING) You sick fuck, do that in the bathroom.

I got cancer.

Is he allowed to watch us like that? Pornstache? (GRUNTS) He does whatever he wants.

One of these days, you're gonna have to change your panties, Chapman.

That shit's gotta be getting ripe.

Look at this.

I asked Sophia to do my roots, she says there's a two-week waiting list.

(CHUCKLES) I wouldn't let that he-she touch my hair with a 10-foot pole.

Well, hey, maybe you'll get lucky and go bald everywhere but in the tits like Rosa.

And Sophia's pole is a hole now.

MAN OVER PA: Watson, Bresnahan and Diaz, report to your counselor for your bunk assignments.

Watson, Bresnahan and Diaz.

Finally.

Wait, you got assigned? This is bullshit.

You know, I did my time in SHU.

How much longer are they gonna keep me in here with Darth Vader and Mr.

Clean? Fuck you.

Why didn't I get assigned? They're probably sending her to Spanish Harlem.

They're gonna put you in The Suburbs with the other white people.

So how do they choose your roommate? Why? You afraid you're gonna end up with your rocka-lezzie girlfriend? (ANITA LAUGHING) WOMAN OVER PA: "Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.

" Oh, I'm sorry.

Bitch, don't be cutting! There's a line here.

Um, for the toilet? I just need to pee.

Can I pee? Go pee, kid.

This better be hot.

If I find another clump of hair in the drain, there's gonna be trouble.

Oh! Gee! I'm sorry.

It's okay, honey, you can look.

I spent a lot of money for it.

(FLUSHING) Go ahead, it's all yours.

That's okay, I think I'll just wait.

You gonna be waiting a long time, now.

(WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH) She's talking to the devil.

Yeah, I got that part.

That's Satan's stall.

At least Satan gets a door.

Give it a week.

You'll be pissing and farting with the rest of us.

(SCOFFS) Your commissary ain't come in yet? (STAMMERS) Oh, I think so.

My ID number doesn't shop until tomorrow.

You better hope they got what you need.

Ain't had powder foundation in dark for three months.

I can't be walking around here with white face on.

But those sad pair of shower shoes are not gonna save you.

You need some of these.

I made my own.

Couture.

Commissary don't carry a size 13.

Is that duct tape? Metallics are very in this season.

Don't hold your big bathroom too long.

Prison food stops you right up.

You gotta get it out while you can.

If you wanna skip that shower line, do the 5:00 a.

m.

or the 5:00 p.

m.

That's my secret.

Why are you telling me all of this? 'Cause I fucked up your hair.

That shit looks broke.

When your commissary comes in, swing by the salon.

I'll fix it right up for you.

Okay.

Thank you.

There's no point in playing shy, baby.

You're home.

(SIGHING) MAN OVER PA: Medical staff to the iso ward Now, that's a fucking waste right there.

Black girl with a white girl booty.

I mean, what's the point? Ooh, watch out for this one, man.

She looks real good, and then she opens her mouth.

She's got those snaggly fucking Gargamel teeth.

(GROWLS) Fucking meth heads, man.

(CHUCKLES) Now, that right there? That's a whole different species, my friend.

Hey, Burset.

Come over here.

MAN OVER PA: Prisoner maintenance detail for the shower room.

Mmm.

Smell that.

That smell good to you? Mickey D's? How long's it been since you had one of these? - Long time.

Mmm-hmm.

Do you want some? You offering me a taste? You can suck it out of my dick.

I don't do sausage in my breakfast sandwich.

What the fuck are you doing inside the CO bubble? Your foot's over the line, Burset.

You better get back before I give you a shot.

Shit is wild, right? (CHUCKLES) Freaky.

Freaky-deaky.

Freaktown.

Cyborg pussy.

I bet it's fucking perfect.

Don't tell me you'd hit that? (CHUCKLES) I live in the present, not in the past.

Besides, she used to have a dick, and so she knows what it likes.

(CHUCKLES) What'd you guys do about pussy in Iraq anyway? Did you fuck camels? I was in Afghanistan.

And you don't go anywhere near the camels, 'cause sometimes they strap them up with explosives and run them into camp and (IMITATES EXPLOSION) And if you try to have sex with the girls there, their village throws rocks at 'em till they die, so there's not a lot going on.

Plus, they're all dressed like beekeepers.

Occasionally, a Russian hooker comes through, but those girls are nasty and they cry a lot.

WOMAN OVER PA: Transporting one to I-S 12.

All these offenders want a piece of me, Bennett.

You know why? It's the fucking pheromones, man.

You get 'em all locked up like this for a long time, and they get this prehistoric yearning for man-stink.

They fucking hate my guts, you know? But they can't help themselves.

I'm musty and they love it.

(SIGHS) You don't really What? Fuck 'em? (SCOFFS) Hell, no! That's against the rules.

WOMAN OVER PA: Ladies in the house programs, we will begin in one hour.

But I tell you what, grasshopper.

(DOOR CLOSES) Some of these bitches would suck it for half a cigarette.

Swallow.

Lift your tongue.

Okay.

Move on.

MALE NURSE: Black! Take these with food.

No check.

Ooh, you got me on the yellow ones.

I like the yellow ones.

Lost 10 pounds on the yellow ones.

But gave me that horrible rash on my Not my problem.

Burset.

What are those? Those aren't my pills.

They are now.

Whole prison is going generic.

What's the dose? .

5 milligrams.

Then that ain't enough.

I need four of those.

I do what the chart says.

You can't just change my dose.

Talk to your counselor, okay? Fatovich! MISS CLAUDETTE: You got a name, girl? That's your bed, those two are your hooks.

This ain't like the projects in here, I got rules.

No sleeping all day 'cause it's depressing.

Clean up after yourself.

If I find a mess on this floor, my floor, you're gonna hear about it.

And keep your food sealed, because I don't need chipmunks or roaches in here trying to get their Cup O' Noodles on, plus that poor excuse for food stinks to high heaven I sleep whenever I want, old lady.

And I don't know what busted-ass country you come from, but this is America, and if I want noodles, I'll eat noodles.

Now, back off across your floor before I make you that mess you hate so much.

NICKY: Time to peel that orange, Chapman.

You're one of us now.

One of us.

One of us.

Gooble gobble.

Gooble gobble.

MAN OVER PA: Inmate Martinez, report for an assignment at the laundry detail.

Nine and a half, right? Ten.

Did your feet swell when you went back to boys? Fuck you.

HEALY: You can't just change people's meds! I got a line of golden girls complaining about blood pressure pills.

Half this prison's on antidepressants.

You take away their Zoloft, they're gonna go off the rails.

Monumentally bad.

Monumental pain in my ass.

Your ass? I'm juggling vendor changes, staff reductions.

Look at me, I'm paying for my own coffee here.

I got a tranny camped out in my hallway yelling about her hormones! He can suck it up.

She.

Jesus.

She could be a major headache for us.

We are only required to give her enough to maintain.

It is a federal system.

If he wanted to keep his girlish figure, he should've stayed out of jail.

Why would anyone ever give up being a man? It's like winning the lottery and giving the ticket back.

(PANTING) Hello, baby.

Look at you getting your sweat on.

You look all shiny.

I bet you don't even smell funky.

(SNIFFS AND CHUCKLES) I knew you wouldn't.

You a real woman, Chapman.

A real grown woman.

And not like all these other girls around here.

I can't waste my time with these silly bitches.

I need a real woman.

I'm sure that you'll find one.

I wrote a poem, you wanna hear? - You know, that's fine "Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape "But now, it look like fire in the sky "Why? Because you light a fire inside me" Wow.

I wrote it for you.

You know, my fianc� is a writer.

I'm gonna call you Dandelion.

'Cause they're pretty, and yellow, just like you.

GUARD: Everybody out! Let's go! Oh! Thank you.

PIPER: What's going on? Locking up the track.

Why? - Budget cuts.

No staff to cover it.

But I have to run.

This is the only thing that makes me feel normal.

Ya'll gonna have to do your swirl someplace else.

Swirl? (SING-SONGY) Chocolate and vanilla.

Swir-irl.

Swir-irl.

The bottom line is that the prison can no longer provide high-end hormones.

If I don't get my medication, I'm going through withdrawal.

Hot flashes, night sweats.

My face will sag, my body hair will start to grow back.

Okay, we don't need to get into Let me explain this for you.

When my penis was split in half and inverted, my testes were removed, so I don't have any testosterone left to replace the estrogen that you taking away from me! Okay, okay! What do you want from me? I wanna see a doctor.

You can't go to the clinic unless it's an emergency.

This is an emergency.

Yeah, well, we don't see it that way.

Was there something else? Yes.

(GULPS) I'd like to report an emergency.

Man, new bunkie's trying to lay down all these rules and shit.

"Dis go here.

Dat go there.

Dis how you be wipin' your bunghole.

" Wait, you got assigned? What dorm are you in? Yo, girl, be careful messing with Miss Claudette.

That woman is no joke.

What, is she gonna put a voodoo curse on me? - Island bitch got control issues.

(SCOFFS) Word is she killed someone.

That's why she doin' so much time.

Yeah, I believe it, too.

You look in her eyes and know she seen some shit.

I'm not scared of her.

You should be.

I hear when she was down the hill she threw a pot of boiling water in her bunkie's face.

Burned her eyelids off.

She be looking like Beetlejuice and shit.

So? Let her come at me.

POUSSEY: Yo, come on, now.

She'll see what she be messing with.

POUSSEY: Yo, the lady ain't taken a visitor in 10 years 'cause she won't do strip search.

And she ain't dookied - the whole time she been locked up.

(LAUGHS) Oh, come on.

No, I'm serious.

That's crazy.

TAYSTEE: Nah, for reals.

No one's ever seen her use the stalls! That's the truth.

She don't poop.

She probably got a voodoo spell stopping up her butt.

That's some steel right there.

(LAUGHING) WOMAN OVER PA: Maxi pads with wings are back in the commissary.

MAN OVER PA: Swing shift guard detail.

P.

m.

cell check commences at 2130 hours.

I had to rub Red's feet for this.

You can't sit there.

How long are you gonna do this? We both live here.

We have to deal with each other.

No, we don't.

I plan on spending my entire sentence avoiding you.

Get over it.

We did some illegal shit and we both got caught.

You stole my life.

You stole my good life that I made after you.

Stay the fuck away from me.

WOMAN OVER PA: Ladies, in-house programs will begin in one hour.

Is there a problem here? No.

You bothering my friend here? Dandelion, she bothering you? No, we were just talking.

Yeah, she is bothering me.

Then you need to be on your way.

'Cause she don't like talking to you.

Not one bit.

Are you kidding me? Move, bitch.

This is my wife here, so you need to step Well, no, I'm not actually your (YELLING) I will cut you! I will cut you, bitch! Don't make me cut you! You know where the fuck you at, bitch? You don't know me! OFFICER: Take it easy, take it easy.

(LAUGHS) It's all right.

We all good.

Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLING) I'm not your wife.

I threw my pie for you.

The head should pass through your body in three to five days.

Unless you start vomiting or have severe cramping, it's best just to let the body eliminate this on its own.

I'm gonna have to shit it out.

If it made it down your esophagus, it should travel the rest of the way.

If it doesn't pass in a week, we'll consider surgery.

Pay close attention to your stool.

I don't think I could miss it.

I'm going to have to put you on suicide watch.

What? (SCOFFS) Why? We take swallowers very seriously.

You really think I would've eaten a bobble-head if I wanted to kill myself? Listen, Doc, I need my dosage.

I've given five years, $80,000 and my freedom for this.

I'm finally who I'm supposed to be.

Do you understand? I can't go back.

Look, I'd like to help you.

Unfortunately, you have elevated levels of AST and ALT, which could mean liver damage That's bullshit.

That could mean anything.

We're gonna take you off your hormones entirely - What? - until we can schedule an ultrasound.

Get a clean read.

(SCOFFS) But that could take months.

I can offer you an antidepressant.

CRYSTAL: I can't take it! Can I open 'em? All righty.

Open 'em.

Oh, my God.

Good or bad? - Not good.

You look like Hannah Montana.

That skirt is I thought it was so cute.

That's what happens when I shop for myself.

It's 'cause I never got to be a teenage girl.

And you never will be.

You should be dressing like a classy grown-up lady.

You think I'm classy? I can't have my husband walking 'round like a $2 hooker.

Let's see.

Ah.

Yeah, this color looks good on you.

Come here.

Can't believe I'm doing this.

You don't have to.

Hmm.

Okay.

That is much better.

I can't zip it, but you get the idea.

Holy shit.

I look hot.

Please keep it.

(SIGHS) Crystal I'm fine with the rest of it.

The hair and the makeup.

I'll teach you all of it.

You'll be a pro.

Just please keep your penis.

You know I can't.

For me.

You don't have to stay.

No? Where would I go? I mean, this is my family.

I got this for you.

You can try it on if you want.

I'm 10 pounds up.

Besides, your tits are better than mine.

You're perfect.

Come here.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) (DOOR SLAMS) - You can't leave me alone with my mother.

(SOBBING) I know, I know.

I promised your brother I'd help him fix the roof of his trailer.

I need a buffer! Why can't you just come and visit me every single waking moment that you're allowed to and make your life all about me? Piper, we talked about this, okay? Visits every other week, so I can have a life.

You said that.

These are your words.

(WHISPERS) But I'm an idiot.

Okay, here's the game, you remember every rude thing she says, all right? And then next week, we will rank them in order from kind of crazy to truly bat-shit bananas.

It'll be fun! Come on, Piper.

I can't cancel.

He's living under a tarp.

Jesus.

When is he gonna get his shit together? - (LARRY CHUCKLES) I'm not sure that Cal gets the "family fuck-up" title anymore.

(SIGHS) You okay, Pipes? MAN OVER PA: In-house programs start in one hour.

Are those groceries? Yes.

But You forgot to bring the bags.

Uh, I did, but I'm gonna eat the bag later, so don't worry.

Planet is safe.

Did you go to Whole Foods? What did you get? A bunch of stuff.

No, no, no.

Be specific.

Tell me everything.

In detail.

Just take me away.

Okay, um, I got some crispy snap peas, I got some cherry juice for my smoothies.

Oh, God, smoothies.

Then some purple kale, Uncle Eddie's vegan cookies.

I can feel them in my mouth.

Then I got, um, you know, those bulk roasted almonds.

You know, with the sugar coating on the top? Yeah, yeah, the crack almonds.

The crack almonds.

And, uh, well, then I got some heirloom tomatoes.

Last of the season, you know? Super plump and ripe.

Engorged almost.

With some wet, juicy buffalo mozzarella.

And some sweet, sweet-ass organic blueberries.

Mmm.

My cock is hard.

And I'm rubbing it against your ass.

What? What? - What? - Are you trying to have phone sex with me? I thought that's what we (STUTTERS) I'm confused.

There are guards listening.

They sit in a bubble and they listen.

I'm sure people do it all the time.

And there's a woman weeping next to me.

Okay.

Well, I'm just gonna go jerk off then.

For the 500th time today.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

I'm, uh I'm reliving my youth.

I'm 14 again.

WOMAN: (SOBBING) I know.

I don't wanna I love you.

(SIGHS) I love your little boobs.

WOMAN: (SOBBING) Oh, my God! No! You're not allowed to put stuff on the walls.

Everyone has stuff on their walls.

Officer! What's going on? Tell her she gotta take that ugly shit down.

Your kid draw that? I did.

(SCOFFS) - Sorry, I didn't mean - No, it's okay.

I kind of messed it up.

My eyes are too small.

No, it's nice.

I mean, it's cool that you can draw, you know? It's art.

Oh, so you gonna allow that shit? She can leave it up.

Fine.

Then I'm gonna put my pictures up of Kanye.

What did you do to your hair? - I had to give it to a transsexual.

For a weave.

(CHUCKLES) Interesting.

Your dad sends his love.

He wanted to come, but No, I get it.

He doesn't wanna see me like this.

Here.

They didn't frisk me at the door.

I mean, this could totally be a fake belly full of drugs.

How would they ever know? I get strip searched on the way out.

Squat and cough.

Oh, Piper, please.

You didn't touch anything in that bathroom, did you? Everything around here is so sticky.

But the people are much cleaner than I thought they'd be.

How are you feeling, Pol? Large.

Hostile.

Nothing new.

I am so excited for you.

For all of us.

It is so smart to do this now.

I told Piper, it's much harder to conceive when you're in your late 30s.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, but it's true.

You just don't have a lot of time to waste.

That's exactly what I need right now.

A reminder of my ebbing fertility.

I'll go get some snacks.

The whole way up she hummed �dith Piaf songs and ate pistachios.

You owe me.

I wanted alone time with you.

I have a wife! - What? - A prison wife.

Her name is Crazy Eyes and she follows me everywhere.

That really happens? Jeez.

Are her eyes, like, bulgy or crossed, or is one lid kind of droopy? - What kind of crazy? - They're just crazy.

They're just full of crazy.

It's terrifying.

I'm afraid to tell Larry because I don't want him to worry.

But she's extremely persistent.

She follows me everywhere.

She threw pie for me.

Did she rape you? - No, she didn't rape me.

Oh.

But she held my hand.

Aw! That's kind of sweet.

I wish Pete would hold my hand.

But he says it makes his palms sweat.

And he won't stop laughing in birthing class.

He's like a seventh grader.

I just told you that I have a wife.

I heard you.

That really sucks.

But you were supposed to be my wife, Piper, remember? I'm kind of freaking out that you're not gonna be there.

I know.

I'm sorry.

We just got this crib pad that sets off an alarm if the baby stops breathing.

Which could totally happen.

I mean, that's a thing.

And there's a skinny bitch in my pre-natal yoga, she's a stick who swallowed a grapefruit.

The other day she asked me if I was having twins.

Ugh, thank God.

I'm starving.

Skittles.

Did you know that inmates are not allowed to touch money in this place? The guard just told me.

Fascinating.

So what about the Barney's order? Did you find a warehouse? Oh, I got a couple of sketchy bids.

I haven't had time to go look.

Well, that's why we hired Mariana.

I fired her.

She doesn't know how to make a Word document.

And she doesn't shave her pits.

Wait, but why didn't you ask me first? That's not fair.

Oh, honey, it's not as if we can pick up a phone and call you.

I know it's hard, but the rest of us have to keep living our lives.

How you doing, Red? I'm missing half my zucchini.

These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food, not dildos.

I'm all out of cucumbers, carrots, beets.

God knows what they're doing with those.

Can't hang on to anything cock-shaped.

Sorry.

Too soon? A little.

You, I don't understand you.

I got three sons, and let me tell you, if they tried to do what you did, I'd chop off their hands before I'd let them get rid of their baby makers.

I already made my baby.

Listen, I need you to get something in.

Talk to Gina.

She takes my orders, you know how this goes.

It's something that's hard to get.

Estrogen pills or patches.

I don't do drugs.

It's medication.

I got rules.

No drugs.

Nothing like that comes through my kitchen.

Besides, even if I wanted to help you, I don't have connections like that.

Here, have a yam.

My mamochka ate those during her menopause.

And I'll get you some soy, but that's the best I can do.

What if I have my own connections? Do you not hear me, huh? It's not gonna happen.

Listen, sweetheart, there's other channels.

But I really don't think you wanna go down that road.

You wanna go down that road? I say Jordans.

Those are cool.

Those are gay.

I like the Lebrons.

You want the highs or the lows? Both.

No.

Pick one, baby.

If it were up to me, my man, I'd say the lows.

Those Dunkmans are tight.

They're the hottest pair of kicks to drop this year.

How much? $300.

We'll take 'em, right? SALES CLERK: Stand up.

Check 'em out.

You're gonna love those shoes.

Excuse me, do you have Hey, Michael, what are you doing here? Oh, shit! Hi, Pat.

Shit Uh Yeah.

I, uh Deborah's doing some shopping, so I just thought I'd Did you get my letter? I was hoping to hear from you.

Yeah, I was, uh I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Take care, Michael.

Nice kicks.

Sometimes it's hard for people.

Michael.

Michael! No! Sir.

Ma'am.

You need to pay for those.

MAN OVER PA: Attention, inmates, the pharmacy window will be closing at 1530 hours.

Hey.

You wanted to see me? Yes, Chapman.

MAN OVER PA: Bravo dorms, assemble for visitation hall.

We do not choose roommates around here.

This type of hanky-panky is against prison regulations.

I warned you about this when you first came in.

I I don't know what you're talking about.

Warren just informed me that you'd like to be bunked together.

Warren? Who is that? Crazy Eyes? This is not gonna fly around here.

Not on my watch.

Lesbian request denied.

Okay, wait! I had nothing to do with that! Believe me, the last thing I want is to be anywhere near her.

I've been trying to shake her for days.

This didn't come from you? No! Absolutely not.

Please don't put me with her.

Please.

I would like to stay as far away from that as possible.

I was hoping that that was the case.

She is completely nuts.

No, I know.

I've had trouble with her before.

She's what we call a "stud," which is very confusing for a nice girl like you, because, let's be honest, she looks like a man.

If it were up to me, I'd take all the butch ones and I'd put them in a "little boy's wing," and I'd separate them from the general community.

Ran that up the ladder a couple of times, got no traction at all.

My advice? Let her down easy.

She's volatile, that one.

She was removed from the puppy program.

Lesbians can be very dangerous.

It's the testosterone.

ALEX: They took my moisturizer, guys.

I had to walk through the airport barefoot.

I mean, if Bush fucking wins again, we're all moving to Berlin! Hey, you, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

We're escaping America before the apocalypse.

Wanna come? Sorry? What can I get for you? Oh, hi, I was wondering if you're hiring? No, I'm sorry.

Well, can I leave this with you? Honestly, it's just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere, so Okay.

Well, can I have a margarita then? That I can do for you.

It's a little cold out for a margarita, don't you think? Let's see this.

Steve's Greek Cuisine? Le Grand Fromage? Bullshit, bullshit.

You need a lesson in fudging a resume.

Do you work here? Are you fucking kidding me? Manager, Polly Harper.

No one named Polly Harper gets put in charge.

Who is that really? - It's my friend.

(LAUGHS) You've never waited a fucking table in your life, have you? No.

So, Piper Chapman, "A Smith grad with excellent listening skills, passionate about making diners feel good.

" Mmm.

That sounds kind of dirty.

You can put that on my tab.

"Safe, clean, and careful when handling food and drink.

" (LAUGHS) Oh, gosh.

I like that in a woman.

What else do I need to know about you? Who are you? My name is Alex.

And what do you do, Alex? Besides make fun of strangers in bars? I work for an international drug cartel.

(LAUGHS) Oh, come on.

You telling me you don't get lonely out here in the middle of nowhere? No, I'm not into people.

I'm more into beans.

Did you see my long beans? They're going off.

And my banjo.

Those are my friends, my beans and my banjo.

And I'm banging this underwater welder.

Wow.

You gotta have hobbies.

What about you? What's happening with the writing? No gigs? Been a little distracted.

Maybe you heard, my fianc�e's in prison.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, when you visit, do you get to, uh No, they don't allow conjugals in federal.

It's a lot of me, myself and I.

Bummer.

Oh.

You gotta try edging, man.

What is that? It's where you jerk off, okay? Right to the point of orgasm and then stop.

And you do this because Because your jizz is your power, man.

It's spiritual, it keeps your Chi inside.

Especially if you got writer's block.

You gotta walk right up to that line, bro, and not cross it.

And this is something you do? Yeah.

Welder chick taught me.

See, you gotta, um You gotta grab right underneath your balls, like, right here, you really gotta get up right up in there.

Okay, yeah.

And it creates, like, a whole body thing.

Kind of like a female orgasm.

You know, most dudes, they don't know what women got, but trust me, bro, (CHUCKLES) it is way, way better.

A lot of creative people do it.

In fact, they say that John Lennon wrote Imagine (CLICKS TONGUE) right at that sweet spot.

Fifteen months.

Whoa.

It's a long time to wait.

Even if it is for my sister.

How about we don't talk about sex with your sister? Good point.

Did you see this coming? With Piper? No, no, not jail, but something, yeah.

She wants to feel like she's different.

Likes the whole "I'm risky" thing.

My sister's a complicated cat.

So I'm learning.

Not like my parents ever saw it.

Between "Perfect Piper" and "Doctor Danny," they met their quality parenting quota.

But, like, I was free to smoke a bowl and fuck off for the rest of my life with nobody ever bothering me.

Now, my mom's talking about coming up here to visit, putting me in the Christmas letter.

Suddenly I'm "Creative Cal.

" It's fucked up.

Piper going to jail might be, like, the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Oh.

Sophia! I got you a present.

It's powder foundation in medium dark.

(CHUCKLES) I had to guess.

I hope it's all right.

Honey, it's perfect.

That's real sweet of you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(CHUCKLES) I got commissary.

Look whose ship finally came in! Here.

This is payback for all the stuff you gave me.

And, Nicky, here's your cup.

Hmm.

And, um, Nivea.

That's interest.

What else you got, kid? I'll take that face wash.

Don't be a commissary ho, DeMarco.

And these It's like Christmas! Yo, P, heads up.

You got a visitor.

Hello, baby.

Can I talk to you? MAN OVER PA: Inmate Peterson, please return to the prison chapel.

(SNICKERS) (SIGHS) Listen, Suzanne.

I, um I know that you like me I don't just like you, Piper.

I got feelings.

Love feelings.

Yeah, I got that.

Um You know, maybe I was unclear, and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I cannot be your wife.

I've already promised to be someone else's wife.

Larry.

Whom I love very much.

And I'm just not interested in anybody else.

This is nothing personal.

But you and I? Not gonna happen.

I feel you.

Where is he? CRYSTAL: He won't come.

I tried.

They let him pitch Friday.

This big game against Castle Hill.

They won.

That's great.

You look like shit.

What's wrong? They took me off my hormones.

What, why? They're saying it's liver damage.

It's bullshit.

They just don't wanna be liable.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

I'm losing my shit, Crystal.

I didn't wanna have to ask you, but I don't know what else to do.

(WHISPERS) I need you to sneak 'em in.

How? I don't know.

You want me to shove 'em up my ass? Take 'em out in the bathroom? Then what? Put 'em in my mouth so I can kiss you? Have you lost your fucking mind? It's crazy, I know.

You want me to get locked up, too? Oh, that's perfect.

Yeah, Michael can go live with my mother, who won't speak to me anymore at all.

But you? Well, you'll have your smooth skin and your lady curves, so it'll all be worth it.

I shouldn't have asked.

I'm sorry.

I'm working two jobs, I'm trying to raise our son.

You know they trying to seize the house? They can't do that.

I never paid any of our bills with those stolen credit cards.

I can't even show my face in church anymore.

I'm sorry.

How fucking selfish can you be? Crystal, if they take this away from me, this will all have been for nothing.

I married a man named Marcus.

I cry for him all the time.

But I stayed and I supported you because I could see how much pain you were in.

I know it was saving your life.

It was.

I figured better my kid had two moms than a dead dad, right? At least he'd be around, which is more than my father was.

At least he'd be at his baseball games, even if it was in a dress.

So I put up with you becoming a woman, but I never signed on for a life with a criminal.

I'm gonna get my shit together.

I promise.

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Oh, you wanna make it up to me? Do your time.

Get the fuck out of here, so you can be a father to your son.

Man up.

What the fuck is this? We're reassigning you.

Get your things.

(SCOFFS) You fucking kidding me? You had me moved? Who's running this place? Not you.

Shut your mouth and get your things.

Watch yourself, little girl.

This is not America, this is The Litch, and I've been here a long while.

(WOMAN MOANING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) MAN OVER PA: Inmate Stuart, report to inmate work station two.

Officer Roberts, guard detail, central library.

I'm in here at 5:00 just about every day.

You don't like it, avoid it.

You named me.

What? - You didn't have to take me down with you.

Is that what all this is about? You think I turned you in? You haven't seen me in five years, you had no idea what was going on with me.

I am a different person.

I was building a life Oh, well, hurray for you.

It wasn't me, Piper.

Bullshit! You never ever forgave me for leaving.

Thirteen people were indicted.

You met all of them.

We traveled together.

I know it was you.

No, it wasn't! And fuck you for thinking it was! Right, what did they give you? Time off for every innocent person that you threw under the bus? Innocent? That is fucking hilarious! You carried that bag.

No one had a gun to your head.

Your fianc� might buy this bullshit, but I know you.

I know you.

And there were no complaints when I took you all over the world, but the second shit got real You put me in danger.

You loved it.

(CHUCKLES) You were just this boring little girl from Connecticut, who wanted to feel special and bad.

Don't turn this around on me.

I didn't name you.

And, yeah, maybe I never forgave you for leaving, because you broke my fucking heart.

And maybe I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life, but I've never lied to you.

Ever.

I'm stuck.

I think my necklace is caught on my shirt or in my hair or maybe both.

So you want me to Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

(CHUCKLES) Don't look at my belly.

There.

You're free.

Yeah, right.

(PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, baby, it's me.

Hey! How was the visit with your mom? Listen, Larry, I need you to do something for me, and I don't wanna talk about it.

I need you to find out if Alex Vause named me at her trial.

But wait, my dad said the testimony was sealed.

Why the sudden interest? I don't know.

It's just eating at me.

I got a lot of time on my hands.

Please, Larry.

There's got to be a way.

Will you talk to him? Her name is Alex Vause.

V-A-U-S-E.

This is really important to me.

Yeah, okay.

But, um And I don't wanna talk about it.

(SIGHS) And my mother told me that my eggs are getting old.

Chapman! Get your things together.

You're moving down to B dorm.

Cube 18! That's the ghetto.

What? They got you in the ghetto.

Good luck, Chapman.

You're gonna need it.

That's your bed.

These are your hooks.

I am nobody's cleaning lady and I make honor cube every week, so you do your part and then some.

My floor's my pride, so no shoes, leave them off before you step in.

And I see that nonsense go down in the cafeteria.

I don't care if you're gay or what, but you bring any drama in here and we'll have trouble.

I don't tolerate foolishness in my bunk.

Understand? MAN OVER PA: The following inmates have prescriptions waiting in the infirmary - You have the right to remain silent.

I don't understand! - What's happening? - Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney.

What did you do? If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

Do you understand these rights as I just read 'em to you? Yes.

With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me? No.

MAN OVER PA: Officer Williams, inmate services, station 2365.

Hey, Burset! I heard you've been looking for something.

Change your mind about that Egg McMuffin? You've got the wrong girl.

(WOMAN SNORING) (SNIFFS) (SIGHS) (SONG PLAYING)